Rodney sighed in relief as he landed the Jumper; glancing over to where John was sitting beside him, looking in desperate need of sleep and painkillers and not necessarily in that order. He opened the rear hatch, allowing Carson and the medical team in so they could check out the injured Major.
Rodney waved away any help from the medics; he had no physical injuries from the encounter with the Wraith and stood to follow them out, finding Elizabeth waiting for him.
“Rodney?” her voice was filled with concern.
“I’m fine,” he sighed, “Look I want to get the medical over with so I can get some rest.”
“Of course,” the leader of Atlantis said, motioning him past.
Rodney walked to the infirmary, knowing Carson would be too busy stitching up ‘Major Insanity’ to notice how long it took Rodney to get there.
He couldn’t believe what Gaul had done, he couldn’t fathom it. And he couldn’t get it out of his mind. Finally he trudged into the infirmary and took a seat on one of the beds, waiting for Carson to notice he’d arrived.
“Dad?”
Rodney turned, finding his daughter at his side looking concerned. He studied her, aware of the differences in her since they’d come to Atlantis; the most obvious was that she was slimmer than she had been back home. A combination of the food rationing and running with Ford every morning when he wasn’t on a mission had been instrumental in this. The casual jeans and bright green t-shirt were a counterpoint to the uniforms worn by everyone else.
“Dad?” she asked again, worry in her eyes and voice.
His hand came up to rest on her cheek, “I’m fine.”
He saw the concern in her eyes and pulled her close to him; hugging her tightly, feeling relief fill him that he’d survived.
“Are you sure,” she pulled back from him.
Rodney smiled at her softly, thinking once more that he couldn’t understand what Gaul had done.
“Just need some sleep, Lissa,” he murmured, squeezing her shoulder affectionately, “I just need some sleep.”
*********************************************
“Dr McKay,” Kate greeted him, “I see Dr Weir has finally persuaded you to come see me.”
“It’s not like I had a choice, Dr Heightmeyer,” Rodney replied sharply, dropping into a seat, “I have exactly one hour for this nonsense.”
“You think talking about what happened to Dr Gaul and Abrams is nonsense?” Kate rolled her pen in her hands, trying not to be unnerved by his piercing stare.
“I feel that talking about my feelings is a waste of time,” he snapped, “I am fine.”
“That’s good to know,” Kate told him; “However, I also have to talk about other events, including how you got that scar on your arm.”
Rodney flinched, unconsciously wrapping his hand around the reminder of the Genii invasion of the city.
“Dr McKay…Rodney,” Kate said gently, “I know you feel this is a waste of your time but it is a requirement. It’s not like you haven’t spoken to a counsellor before.”
Annoyance covered his face, “I don’t see why that’s relevant.”
“Seeing a grief counsellor is nothing to be ashamed of,” Kate told him.
“And I only did that because it made my in-laws happy,” he snapped.
“Of course,” she wasn't even ruffled by his anger which irritated him more, “Rodney, you have to remember you have a stressful job, not to mention the added stress of having to care for your daughter.”
“Now it’s coming out,” Rodney declared angrily, “You’re assuming that Alisa causes stress.”
“She’s a teenager,” Kate laughed, “I believe it’s a requirement.”
“Alisa is not a problem for me,” Rodney continued, “I actually like having her here. It means I get to see her more than once a month.”
“Like when you were in Antarctica,” Kate finished for him.
“Exactly.”
Kate watched as he took some water, weighing up how to approach him next; she decided the best way was to approach him as he approached others bluntly.
“I noticed last week you wore a wedding ring,” she said, seeing him stiffen, “Just for one day.”
Rodney turned away to look out of the window, trying desperately not to hear her question.
“What made that day so special, Rodney?” her soft voice floated through, despite his mind trying to block it.
He stared across the city, “What does it matter?”
“It matters because your wife died sixteen years ago,” Kate’s voice remained gentle but firm, “It matters because your daughter stayed away from you for most of that day when she usually eats dinner with you every night you’re here.”
He turned to her, a question in his eyes.
“I was with Carson when she went to meet him for dinner,” Kate explained.
Rodney continued to stay silent.
“I understand how it feels for you, Rodney,” Kate told him, “I can see why you feel you need that one day but you need to let your wife go.”
“I let her go,” Rodney breathed, absently rubbing his where his wedding band would sit.
“No, Rodney,” Kate continued, “You haven’t. You hold onto her memory like a lifeline because you’re afraid what will happen when you let go. But you have to let go.”
“I can’t,” he closed his eyes.
Kate moved to sit at his side, “Look at me.”
Slowly he opened his eyes, Kate could see so many emotions running through them that he normally kept so well hidden from the world and her heart ached as she got to see the depth of pain he carried.
“Rodney,” she took his hands and separated them, “You have friends here who care a great deal for you, you have a life here in Atlantis and you have a daughter who idolises you. Your wife wouldn’t want you to be clinging to her like this.”
Rodney laughed suddenly, the laugh filled with bitterness, “Then she shouldn’t have left me a daughter who is her spitting image.”
“That’s not something she could help,” Kate reminded him, “And she did leave you with an amazing gift. Alisa is brilliant and sweet, she has the ability to come out top no matter who she’s talking to. She is the future, Rodney. You have to let her be and stop holding onto your past.”
He let out a long sigh, staring past her for several minutes before turning back to her, “Lis, my wife left Lissa a video telling her things.”
“Did you ever watch it?” Kate probed gently.
Rodney shook his head, “I couldn’t because then I’d be admitting she really was never coming back. I’d have to say goodbye to her completely.”
Kate, amazed he was talking this much, did something she was sure would normally get Rodney angry or defensive. She took both his hands in hers and looked into his eyes.
“Have you had anyone in your life since your wife died?” she asked, straight to the point, “Has any woman come close to even being more than a casual girlfriend?”
She was expecting instant defence at the question but instead he just shook his head sadly.
“And I’ll bet being a single parent didn’t help much either,” Kate gave a small smile, relieved he smiled as well.
“Lissa was always my first priority,” Rodney told her, taking his hands back as Kate released him, “And even when I did manage to date, the instant they found out about her…”
“Vamoose,” Kate finished for him.
“A lot of the times…except once but that was even worse.”
“Rodney,” Kate moved back to her desk, noting their time was almost up, “If you want to talk to me some more my door is always open, even if it is just to rant when Alisa has annoyed you. But I do have one suggestion for you.”
“What?”
“I believe that if Alisa allows it, you should watch the tape your wife left for her,” Kate told him, “You have to say goodbye to her and this is the best time to do it.”
*********************************************
Rodney stood at the door to Radek’s lab where Alisa was sitting at her own space in the middle of a project; he wasn’t precisely sure what it was. He’d promised her he wouldn’t interfere in anything that she was doing as a ‘school project’, Radek was supervising and, despite Rodney’s tendency to berate and belittle everyone who worked under him normally, he trusted Radek to do this.
“Dad?” the surprised voice brought him back to reality.
“Hi,” he smiled at her.
Alisa looked at him waiting, “Why are you here? I thought you had stuff to do?”
“I…” he hesitated and tilted his head to look at her, for once not just seeing Lis in her but also a little of himself, “I wanted to know if you minded me watching the video your mother left.”
Surprise covered her face at his request, “Of course not.”
“Where is it?”
Alisa gave a sad smile, “My top drawer. It’s just sitting on top of everything.”
Rodney moved over and gently kissed the top of her head, “I’ll see you for dinner.”
Without another word he left.
“Is this thing working, Rodney,” a voice asked as the DVD started, “Alright good, now go away because I don’t want you hearing this.”
Her voice hit him like a hammer and Rodney felt his eyes tear up instantly. Wiping the tears away, he smiled as he saw her the way he remembered her most; short cropped blonde hair, bright mischievous blue eyes and heavily pregnant.
As the video continued, Rodney found he was remembering things that he’d forgotten in his sadness about her. Lis had brought out a side of him that no one had ever seen before or since. She’d found parts of him that he hid away from the world because of his parents and childhood.
“That’s really all I can think of to say, baby,” Lis continued from the screen, “So I just want you to know I love you and nothing could make me change the decision to have you. Take care of yourself and your Dad, he needs someone to keep him out of trouble. Ask him what he said to me when we first met, if he hasn’t already told you that one.”
Rodney laughed softly, reaching out to switch it off.
“And, Rodney,” Lis interrupted him, making him stare at the screen, “I’m assuming you will watch this at some point because you can’t not. I’m hoping you waited till after our baby’s sixteenth. I’m going to assume you did and be proud of you. If you didn’t then I hope you’re feeling guilty pal.”
Rodney laughed amazed that she could do it to him from so long ago.
“I want you to know that the time I spent with you was the happiest of my life,” she told him, “And this baby,” she gently stroked her stomach, “Is the best gift you gave me. I just want you to remember I love you, darling and I want you to be happy.”
She smiled at the camera for a few seconds before she reached up to switch it off.
Rodney paused it and stared at her, his fingers gently brushing her face.
“Thank you, Lis,” he sighed, “I love you too,” deliberately he held out the remote and pressed the stop button, “Goodbye.”
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