This Day
by beatenandwhipped
TITLE: This Day
AUTHOR: beatenandwhipped
EMAIL: beatenandwhipped@yahoo.co.uk
CATEGORY: Angst
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: 5
SERIES:
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: character death
SUMMARY: Sam comtemplates the most difficult day of her career.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: My first character death fic. I don't intend to make them a habit!
Of all the days that had made up the past week, this was the one she had been dreading the most. That is, once she had managed to see past the shock and horror, past the bouts of unbelievable emotional pain once she had regained consciousness out of her confusion into a world irrevocably changed, this is what she had been most afraid of.
Carter didnt know how she was going to get through this day. Once her alarm clock had rung loudly in her ear, she had continued to lie there no more awake than before it had sounded. She stared at the ceiling, thoughts a medley of screams and cries. Suddenly finding the external silence of her home unbearable, Sam swung out of bed, feet hitting the floor heavily. Outside, it was a beautiful day. She sighed at the irony.
Hammond had forced her to return home the previous night, eventually enlisting Janet to drive her when even the threat of court martial for disobeying a direct order had failed to make her leave. As Carter had left the Generals office, she thought shed heard Hammond muttering to Janet. Make her talk to you, he seemed to implore, make her let it out. Dont let her bottle it up better to get it out today than tomorrow.
Dont let her disappoint me, Sam had thought at the time, adding her own words to the Generals liturgy Dont allow her to let me down, tomorrow of all days.
Janet had tried her best to obey Hammonds muted order, despite Carters absolute silence on the way to her home. The Doctor had entered Sams house without an invitation (although Sams mind was too numb for indignation) and attempted again and again to get her to talk.
Talk. That was the one thing Carter did not want to do. Scream, yes, though she found herself unable. Talk&no. What use were words? They were things either wasted or left unsaid. Anyway, as she had shouted at the ever-understanding Janet, wouldnt there be enough words tomorrow? Words that were her absolute duty to say?
Sam had left her friend then, storming out of the living room and leaving Janet stock-still on the sofa. Carter didnt remember much about the rest of the evening. She had gone to her bedroom and slumped on the bed, fully clothed, closing her eyes against the emptiness of the universe. Sam supposed she must have just fallen asleep, but realised as she looked down at herself that she was wearing pyjamas. Janet must have undressed her. Like a child put to bed by her mother.
Suddenly, Carter was filled with rage. This isnt me, she thought, Im better that this Im stronger than this! I didnt spend this many years in the military, I didnt get promoted to Major, I didnt put up with all the sexist crap I have done over the years just to be put to bed by my CMO!
Standing, Major Samantha Carter, USAF, found herself framed in a mirror. Blonde hair dishevelled, eyes red from lack of sleep but not from salt water, blue checked pyjamas hanging from a decidedly depleted frame. It was surprising how much weight one could lose in a week.
In fact, it was surprising how much one could lose in a week, period.
Seeing her face for the first time in days, Carter was confronted by the question she had tried to avoid asking herself since all this started.
How can I do this?
There was a soft knock at the bedroom door and it opened as Janets head appeared. The doctors face was lined with concern, tiredness and another kind of grief.
Why do I look so different? Sam wondered through the permafrost that hugged her skull.
Morning, Janet greeted her carefully, warmly. She moved further into Sams room, carrying two mugs of coffee in her hands. They steamed gently in the tranquil early morning air.
Sam stared at her, knowing all the answers to any questions she might otherwise ask. So, having nothing to say, she remained silent.
I stayed, Janet said unnecessarily, and put one mug on the bedside table, heard the alarm go off and thought you might like some coffee .
Sam nodded, intending to say thank you but unable to find her voice. Janet perched on the bed as her silent friend went back to the image in the mirror.
How can I do this?
The answer eluded her yet again, and so Carter sat on the other side of the bed, keeping her back to Janet.
I have to go shortly, the Doctor said softly, I have to collect Cassie from my mothers. She didnt want to be alone last night.
You should have gone home, Janet. Cassie needs you. I dont.
The blunt lie bounced off Janet, who merely took a mouthful of coffee and once more held out Carters mug. Taking the proffered drink, Sam took a slug. It was still hot, strong but milky. It helped, maybe, a little.
They sat in silence for a while, swallowing heat and memories as outside life began to waken. Eventually Sam stood and turned to Janet.
I have to get ready .
Hammonds sending a car for you, Janet stood, regarding Sam with poorly hidden concern.
I dont need him to send a car. Im perfectly capable of driving myself. Sam turned away again, heading for her wardrobe.
Dont fight us, Sam. Not today. You need us.
Why am I so different? Carter spun suddenly, rage returning as Janet stepped closer, The whole base is going through a tough time, but its me thats getting special treatment! Everyone is treading on eggshells around me! Why? Its ridiculous! This is my job! Its what I do. I dont need a car, I dont need tucking in, I dont need anything. Ive just got to get through today, okay? So leave me alone and let me get on with it!
Approaching quickly, Janet reached up and pressed her hands to either side of Sams face, stilling her anger.
I wouldnt envy anyone what you have to do to today, but for gods sake, Sam, dont pretend it isnt worse for you. Dont imagine the rest of us arent hurting as much, but its different. I know. And I know that you just have to get through today in one piece, but dont think I dont know what its doing to you inside. Pretending that it doesnt matter&itll make things worse in the end.
Sam stared at her woodenly through eyes that steadfastly refused to water.
I have to get ready now. She repeated, voice like stone. Janet nodded with resignation, letting her hands fall to her sides.
Okay. Ill see you there, okay? I love you Sam. Ill be there.
Sam had already turned her back before Janet had even reached the door, but she felt Janet pause. Suddenly overwhelmed by something unspeakable, she almost sobbed, but squared her shoulders instead. Sam knew without looking over her shoulder that Janet was about to leave. Involuntarily, she spoke the truth of the weight bubbling around inside her.
This is really it, isnt it?
Yes, Sam, this is it.
Mist hung in wisps along the semi-rural route. Sam watched them part as the car slid soundlessly along the sun dappled road. It really was a beautiful day, still early enough to plan a day out, maybe take a picnic to somewhere remote. A perfect day for the children, who must still be on summer break, she thought dully, a perfect day for lovers holding hands in the park, a perfect day for painters to paint outdoors.
A perfect day for a funeral.
They were getting close now. Out of the smoke-tinted windows, Sam could see a few cars parked along the roadside that lead towards the hilltop cemetery, and a few people looked up as the dark car passed them, noting the flag on the hood, the military plates that marked the car out as important. Sinking into the heavily cushioned back seat, Sam felt her head begin to ache. She already felt detached from the moment as it was&
The car had arrived outside her door despite her protestations to Janet, and as the airman had stood there on her doorstep, crisp in his dress blues, she couldnt think of an adequate reason to turn him away. Instead she had stepped out of her door and into the perverse sunshine, squinting gently in the light. Carter had spent more than a solid week inside the mountain. It was amazing how agoraphobic one could become in such a short space of time.
Since Janets departure just two hours earlier, time had slowed to a standstill. Sam had showered and dressed in a state of mild stupor, her brain having shut down almost completely following her last strangled words to the Doctor as she left. There had been a few telephone calls one from General Hammond, which she guessed was mainly to reassure himself of her relative well being, and one from her father, who had returned to earth for the occasion.
That had surprised her a little. Jacob Carter never had been one to expound the virtues of big funerals. Sometimes she thought he would have missed his own wifes if he had been able to formulate an excuse. Yet he had been willing to postpone a TokRa mission for this one. His call had been to see if she wanted his company on the journey to the cemetery, although why he thought she would want that was a mystery to Sam. A stickler for emotional detachment in the ranks of the Military, he had never expected anything less from his daughter.
She had refused his offer, telling him that she would meet him there instead. It was bad enough that Hammond seemed to be treating her with kid gloves (what was the car about, for gods sake?). Carter didnt want to be seen arriving with her father as if the strain really were too much for her to bear.
She had some pride left.
The car made a swift right turn, sweeping out of the partial shade of the trees and into the unprotected heat of the day. It feels like it should be raining Sam thought, feels like the weather has got it wrong somehow. Bright summer sun just doesnt sit well on days of despair.
They pulled to a silent halt and for a moment Sam didnt move, just watched the slow trickle of mourners walk through the tiny wooden gate and towards the gathering of people on the other side of the cemetery.
How can I do this?
The door was opened abruptly, shattering the sanctum behind the tinted windows. The airman stood to attention as he held the door open, as if she were someone important, as if she had any consequence on this day at all. Slowly, legs feeling sluggish in the rising heat of the day, Sam moved, stepping out of her only protection and becoming one of the mourners for real. She smiled briefly at the airman, nodding her thanks, but he remained in his deferential pose until she saluted back and turned away. Shielding her eyes against the glare, Sam saw three figures move towards her.
Tealc was dressed in black, his customary hat looking slightly incongruous. Not much they could do about that, of course. Not like the US Military could announce the presence of aliens within their ranks just because of a death or two. Life goes on, after all.
The huge Jaffa approached her, his sombre face no different from any other day. How Sam wished she could keep that kind of reserve. It had been bad enough when Daniel&ascended. All those tears. Maybe that was why her eyes were so dry now. Maybe there were only so many tears one could shed.
Then there were two, eh, Tealc? She asked, with a bleak smile.
He inclined his head slightly, a sure sign that he did not understand the reference but was humouring her for some reason. Crack! There goes another eggshell. Crack!
A few paces behind the Jaffa, General Hammond and Jacob Carter waited patiently, observing her conversation with the alien. Sam had the impression that she had recently been the subject of discussion between the three men. If she had been herself, it would have made her angry, but at the moment it just added to her head ache. She turned towards her father, accepting the brief hug he offered her.
Major Carter. Im glad to see you look a little rested, at least. Hammond reached out and patted her gently on the shoulder. She was almost sure he would have hugged her himself if protocol had so allowed.
Well, you can thank Dr Fraiser for that, General. Not that I made it easy for her.
Well, under the circumstances, Im sure she was willing to make allowances.
Sam frowned, biting her tongue as a curt reply tried to force its way past her lips.
Sam, Jacob Carter took her gently by the arm and started leading her towards the gate, General Hammond and I have been talking, and Tealc is happy to speak in your stead if you would really rather sit this one out. No one would think less of you.
I would think less of me. Whats all this about? I was his second in command, Dad, its my duty to speak a eulogy. Why wouldnt I want to?
Im not saying you wouldnt want to, Sam&
Then what are you saying, Dad? Do you think I cant do it?
Were just trying to make this easier for you, Sam, thats all. I know this is painful&
No more than for anyone else. This is my duty, and I wont shirk it.
They stopped just in front of the gate, turning aside a little to allow others to pass as Father pulled Daughter around to face him.
Im proud of you Sam. I love you.
I love you too, Dad.
Sometimes I think people dont tell each other that enough. He looked at her hard for a moment, but her eyes remained guarded.
And sometimes people think they hear it when they dont, Dad. Carter pulled her arm free and smiled, its not the end of the world.
Sam didnt listen as the priest did his thing. She wondered if ONeill would have cared one whit about his funeral, or if he would have rather they just shot him into space in a missile casing so that he could float forever among the stars he spent hours staring at.
She suspected the latter, but then, who was she to say so?
The coffin lay slightly raised against the newly dug earth of the grave, flowers giving way to the Stars and Stripes of the flag draped over the mahogany casket. Facing her where she stood beside the priest was a large framed photograph of Colonel Jack ONeill in happier, younger days. He wasnt smiling exactly it was an official Military portrait - but pride lit his face above the colourful ribbons displayed on his lapel.
Sun come up, it was blue and gold
Sun come up, it was blue and gold,
Sun come up, it was blue and gold
Ever since I put your picture in a frame
The sparse remnants of ONeills family were seated to her left, including Sara. For some reason, Sam had assumed they were divorced, but from where she stood the woman still wore a wedding ring, and her tears were very real.
Maybe people didnt tell each other they love them enough. Maybe her dad had been right.
She had faltered a little, maybe, over the eulogy. Not that she was inarticulate, but how to condense a life so full into just a few poignant sentences? General Hammond had done an admirable job, she thought, and at least the few thoughts she had managed to gather in the hours leading up to the funeral had not been repeated in his own speech.
General Hammond held her gaze and offered nothing but an encouraging smile. Shifting her eyeline slightly as she addressed the crowd, Carter saw Janet comforting Cassie with tears on her own cheeks.
What could she say about this man, really? How could she explain the importance he had come to have in her life?
&The Colonel ONeill I met that day was fierce, loyal, trustworthy and brilliant. In the years that followed, he proved himself to be all of these things, and more. His leadership was a privilege to experience, enriching not only from a tactical and military standpoint but also as an example of how close a team can become. He may have at times been irreverent, insubordinate, politically incorrect and dare I say it infuriating& but Colonel Jonathan ONeill inspired loyalty of a depth that can only be described as love& He taught me a myriad things I cannot hope to express adequately here, but the most important being that the people you serve with are of value above all else. No one gets left behind, no one gets forgotten. Jack ONeill will not be forgotten. He will remain the most influential person in my life, and many others, for years to come.
There was a brief silence following her words. Sam glanced up to see Jacob nod and smile reassuringly. Feeling other eyes on her, Carters gaze slid sideways to where Sara ONeill sat. The woman was watching her with plain interest and an expression that Sam found impossible to gauge. Their gazes locked, communicating nothing but giving everything away until the sharp crack of gunfire jolted Carter back to consciousness. The honor guard, task accomplished, stepped back to allow the folding of the flag.
Sam watched as the corners moved slowly inwards, thirteen times, and thought about all the history it represented. Not to mention all the history it didnt know about the travel between the stars, all the new species, peoples and places ONeill had experienced.
As she took the proffered material, and in turn walked towards Sara ONeill, Sam thought about their history the history of a couple so tragically thrown askew. The power to turn back time - now that would be a god-given gift. But where to go back to, of course, was the question. Back to before that fatal gunfight with the Jaffa? Or back to before their child was taken from them?
Back to when the name Samantha Carter did not exist in the mind of Jack ONeill, and would probably have continued to mean nothing at all if young Charlie had not had a mind to start playing with his fathers gun.
It took a lifetime for Sam to reach Saras small frame, and as the woman accepted the flag that symbolised the colossal loss of her husband, the two womens fingers touched, sliding over one another in a trail of warmth.
Well, she had done it, and reasonably successfully too, she felt. No breakdowns, no tears, no embarrassment for herself and her superiors. They had buried Jack ONeill and Sam felt&
∅&
But at least she had survived this day in one piece. It had brought no personal revelations, no further heartache - and no closure, but she could live with that. She and Tealc just needed to get on with it now that all the formalities were over, and sooner or later her insides would wake up and realise that she was still alive.
It must have been almost an hour after the ceremony was over that Sam realised she was still staring at his gravestone. From a discreet distance, of course, but staring nonetheless. No one had interrupted her, surprisingly enough, but then Sara had been there. She was the widow, after all, and separated or not, people needed to have someone to focus their grief upon.
Major..Carter, is it?
Sam turned her head to see the woman she had just been musing about standing just a few yards away, her light summer coat floating on a sudden breeze.
Mrs ONeill. Allow me to offer my condolences for your loss&
Sara nodded and moved closer, wrapping her arms around her own waist, We have met before, I think?
Yes, once&at the hospital when&
Oh yes, thats right, she laughed a little harshly, the pseudo-Charlie incident. I actually recognised you from a photograph at Jacks place. Of the team.
It was Sams turn to nod. She knew the photograph, taken a couple of years ago. They all had a copy&well, now just she and Tealc had a copy&
Ever since I put your picture in a frame
Sara reached into her bag and pulled out the black velvet box holding ONeills mourning flag. Your eulogy was very touching. I think you caught Jacks persona very well.
Im glad. He& well, what I said was heartfelt. We wont forget him.
Sara watched her for a moment more, before stepping forward and holding out the box. You should take this.
Sam stared at her for a moment. Mrs ONeill, I cant. This is meant for family a symbol of what your husband gave for his country. Its precious.
I know what it means. Ive attended the military funerals of Jacks friends before now, Major Carter. Which is precisely why I know that you must take this. Sara paused, looking towards the freshly chiselled gravestone. When she spoke again her voice was soft, earnest, Jack wasnt fighting for me, Samantha. He was fighting for you for all of you. Like you said, Sara met her eye squarely, it was the team that was important. Im not saying this bitterly&you have to understand, I knew my husband well. And this flag belongs to the team it belongs to you.
Sam swallowed, a numbness sweeping up from her toes, engulfing her as she reached out and took the box. Her arms stayed in the air for a moment, feeling the weight in her hands before she brought it to her chest. Sara was still watching her.
You know, on a more personal note, Major&. She shifted on her feet, as if about to utter something uncomfortable, a couple of years ago I approached Jack about&a possible reconciliation&
Sam looked up at her with a frown. What did that have to do with&?
He said that he had already met someone else. Someone that he loved, someone that his heart belonged to, if not the rest of him.
Sam nodded, still confused but with a strange thump echoing in her heart.
He didnt tell me who it was. I dont think he ever told anyone, least of all the woman herself, Sara began to walk away, slowly, her final words echoing across the now deserted cemetery, but for some reason, I always assumed it was you.
Somewhere above her, Sam heard a bird break into song. The sun shone across the hill, from which she could see clear across Colorado Springs to the cold bulk of Cheyenne Mountain. The hand holding the box trembled slightly, and so she pulled it tightly into herself, bending almost double over the soft velvet.
Something quaked in her stomach, and as she reached up to push her hair out of her eyes, Sam realised that she was crying. She was crying so hard that she didnt try to stop herself slumping to her knees, five feet away from the fresh grave of Colonel Jack ONeill.
Im gonna love you till the wheels fall off
And the sun no longer shines
I come calling in my Sunday best
I come calling in my Sunday best
I come calling in my Sunday best
Ever since I put your picture
In a frame
End
Authors note: This story originally had a different, bleaker ending. Ive added it as another section (even though it is very short) - just in case people dont want to be depressed even more than they were with this! Please let me know what you think, either way! Cheers.
This Day Story addition:
Im gonna love you till the wheels fall off
And the sun no longer shines
I come calling in my Sunday best
I come calling in my Sunday best
I come calling in my Sunday best
Ever since I put your picture in a frame
Sara continued walking, through the little wooden gate and into the shade of the trees beyond. Ahead of her, she saw General Hammond waiting patiently for her to approach. She smiled, a little tiredly.
George. Thank you for everything today.
Dont mention it. Its the least that Jack deserved, George paused, looking over her shoulder in the direction of the cemetery, I saw you speaking with Major Carter&
Sara smiled again, patting his arm.
Sometimes the kindest thing is to lie, General. Sometimes the kindest thing is to lie .
*
End&.which do you prefer?
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