Dear Diary
Dear Diary
by Anna.
TITLE: Dear Diary
AUTHOR: Anna.
EMAIL: stargategirl86@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: nope...
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 4
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Male/Female Relationship, Language...but very mild
SUMMARY: Sam writes her diary
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate Productions, Showtime / Viacom, MGM / UA, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Send me feedback. And hi to Jenni, Sanna and Juplinar :) !
9.02.2000
I am so upset. Nothing workes out today. We had another fight with Colonel, only that this time Daniel was on his side. It drives me crazy. I don't get what does Jack have against me. I mean, we've always been such a good team, but now...Geez, we are just fighting all the time. About stupid and meaningless things. I just don't get it. It hurts so much. I really respect Colonel O'Neill, to be not saying anything else.
As I came home from work I saw that one of my plants is dead. My coffee machine got broken, I forgot that book Daniel gave me at work, I almost cut my fingers off when I was making dinner, do I have to go on ? Sure I do. I forgot that Janet was going to visit me today, and when I remembered it was too late. She was already here and I didn't have any food or even coffee to offer her. So we ordered pizza, and it tasted really really bad. Of course Jan said it was good, but I know she was lying. My day was finally ruined as Jan started to tell me about her new boyfriend. Hell, I know it's Valentine's day soon, but so what ?! After three hours torturing me Janet finally left.
I switched my computer on. Usually I don't like chat rooms, but today I felt so bad that I didn't have a choice. I choosed a chat room full of sci-fi freaks. Those god damn crazy guys hoping that there's life somewhere out there, what would they think if they knew I meet aliens at least once a week. I entered the room as Sad Girl. Stupid, I know. I read how two guys had a conversation about life on Mars. I was going to leave the room, but then it happened. It cheered me up, and made me think that maybe my day wasn't that bad at all. He first asked 'why is Sad Girl sad ?' How cute. I don't usually believe in what the guys on internet say, but this time I just felt somehow about that guy. His name was Flyboy. How cute. I decided that perhaps I shouldn't leave that chat room so fast. We talked with him, and he didn't seem to be as crazy as the others. Not a sci-fi freak, in my opinion. I couldn't help myself from asking him if he believes in little green men. 'They're not green, they're more like human beings' sounded his answer. Smart guy, I thought. After that we talked about lots of things, and at the end of our conversation I felt really well. There was something....familiar with that guy. I dunno how or why, but I just - felt comfortable talking to him. We arranged to meet at the same chat room tomorrow. I hope he will come, because it looks like I'm gonna have another happy day with Colonel O'Neill.
10.02.2000
How did I know...Colonel was more like himself today, but not quite. Sure he was joking, but most of the time today his jokes hurt me. I don't understand why is he acting that way. It hurts. Guess I'm gonna ask him tomorrow at work. I thought about it today during my lunch. I really like Jack, he's so...he was so understanding, dependable, he was always there to help me and the rest of our team. And he still gets around well with Teal'c and Daniel. Something has changed between me and Colonel. My Colonel...wait a minute, I don't know why I just wrote this. Guess I need to start writing about something else before this Colonel thing starts to bother me even more.
At eight pm I was chatting with Flyboy again. I really like that guy. He's fun, and I love his jokes. He cheers up my day just by being there. Just as Jack did earlier...Seems like I'm writing about nothing else than Jack, Jack and Jack.
By the way, I asked Flyboy if we could meet. And he said yes. He didn't tell me where or when, but he said he's gonna find me tomorrow. I just wonder how...
11.02.2000
Sure I didn't meet Flyboy today. Or at least I didn't see him. Perhaps I did, but he didn't let me know. But I don't really believe. I sure asked him at evening why didn't he come, but he said that he was there and he saw me, and that he's sure that I saw him too. Well maybe I did see him when in supermarket, but why the hell didn't he come to greet me. Well anyway. We wont meet in that chat room tomorrow. I told him that I am too busy. Of course I didn't tell him where am I going. He wouldn't believe it anyway. He said he has to go too. So we'll probably meet the day after tomorrow, if things go well. I wish there was no mission tomorrow. I don't get how can we get along with Colonel being together on another planet, if we can't stand each other meeting two or three times a day in the base. I just hope that tomorrow's not gonna be as much like hell as it seems to be.
12.02.2000
I have a long story to tell. Let's start from beginning. At morning when I arrived at the base I understood right away that it was gonna be hell. Colonel was sitting in the gateroom, and I saw he was not in a good mood. He mumbled something I did not understand for an answer to my 'good morning, sir'. Danny rushed into the gateroom shouting 'damn, I didn't find it'. Jack closed his eyes acting like he had terrible pain. Daniel became silent as he noticed me. It didn't make me feel any better. Graham Simmons was sitting behind us. He was working on one of computers, but when he saw me, he asked me to come closer. He gave me a letter. I thanked him, smiling. The hell I knew what was in that letter, later when I read it I found out it was from Janet. She wanted to let me know that she wasn't going to visit me next week for she was gonna have a vacation. Anyway, as I received the letter I felt how Jack stared at me. I just wonder what was he thinking. Then Graham said we had half an hour to prepare ourselves to leave. Jack sighed and stood up. I didn't like that at all. 'Are you okay, sir?' I asked. He looked at me and said 'just fine', his every word full with sarcasm. I started to feel more uncomfortable than earlier and left. After thirty minutes we were standing infront of the stargate. 'Chevron seven, locked', I heard Graham saying. 'Wormhole established'. General Hammond took a microphone and said 'SG-1, you have a go'. 'Let's go kids', Jack said. It sounded so much like the old Jack, but it wasn't quite the same. We walked through the gate. A long trip through galaxies, it used to make me feel bad the first times I travelled by stargate. Now I love it. I need it. It just...feels so good. Dunno why. Just does. We found ourselves on a planet looking pretty much like the other planets we've been to. Sand, sand, some trees, more sand. No signs of life, or so it seemed. My radio get stuck, and I gave all my attention to it. I was trying to fix it, and as I finally did, I raised my head. Daniel was sitting on the ground looking at something. I noticed how dark it was where he sat. I looked for trees beyond him, but there was only sand. I didn't understand it. Daniel asked Jack to come and take a look at something. I wondered why didn't he ask me. At least he used to, sometimes before. I looked at the sky and my mouth dropped open. A meteor, coming down in terrible speed. 'Sir !', I shouted. Jack looked at me. He appearantly saw how I stared at the sky, and looked at the same direction. I saw horror in his eyes. He knew as well as I did, that if we don't get out of there quickly, the gate gets burried and we die. I ran to dial us home, for I knew Colonel knew what to do next. The gate was ready for us to go. Jack told us to go first, shouting 'go, go, go, move, go' or something like that. Daniel ran through tha gate, so did Teal'c. I stood there, stareing at the meteor. It was so beautiful, that I forgot about everything else for a moment. The meteor had got me into its power. I could not move. I was like frozen. Jack grabbed my shoulder and we jumped into the gate a sec before the meteor crashed down. We fell out of the stargate. Lots of hot rocks and dust came with us. I watched helplessly how one of the bigger rocks hit Jack's head. He fell down, and I ran to see if he was okay. I got there at the same time as Janet. 'Is he gonna be okay ?' I asked. Janet nodded quickly and shouted that she needs more doctors there. I backed off. I saw Daniel and Teal'c standing in the corner. I went to talk to them. After couple of hours I was in the infirmary, putting some flowers into vase, cause Janet asked me to. Jack was lying in a bed near me. I guess he was not feeling comfortable in the same room with me, for next moment he tried to stand up. Janet pulled him back. 'Easy flyboy', she said smiling. I dropped the vase down. Flyboy !!! Of course it might be just an accident, but I didn't think so. Flyboy ! I started to remember all the things I knew about Flyboy from that chat. I remembered how familiar he seemed. It was all so clear at that moment. Of course it was Jack. But...did he know who was he talking with ? I had so many questions to ask him, but I guessed I'll never get the chance to ask. Janet raised her head as she heard the noise of breaking vase. 'Sam are you okay ?', she asked. 'Fine', I said. 'Jan, can I be alone with Colonel for a moment ?' I asked. Janet agreed and left the infirmary. I turned to face Jack. He looked at me wondering what I was going to say. 'You were there' I said. I know I sounded stupid, but so what. 'Were where, Major ?' Jack asked. 'Flyboy', I said. 'So ?' Jack asked. As if he didn't get it. 'You were Flyboy in that god damn chat !' I shouted at him. 'Like you didn't know !' he shouted back. Our friendship, a thing straight from heaven. 'No I did not know !' I said. Jack stared at me. 'Really ?' he finally asked. 'Yes', I said. 'Really really ?' he asked. 'Yes', I said and nodded. 'Really really really ?' he asked. 'You're sick !' I grinned. Good old Jack. But I could not believe that what he said there in the chat room was not true. 'Did you know it was me ?' I asked. 'Sure I did'. 'And all you said...' I wasn't able to end the question. I loved everything what Flyboy said. The way he said it. And now, I was so scared that it all would be just a stupid joke. 'I was kidding', Jack finished my sentence. 'Kidding...' I repeated slowly. 'Kidding', he said once again. There was silence between us for couple of seconds, but it felt like eternity. Finally I broke the silence. 'How did you know it was me ?' I asked. 'Sad Girl, right ? Sad Girl, like SG, like Star Gate', he replied. I stared at him and my mouth was open. I didn't even think of that SG thing. Why did he ? Jack looked at me for a long time. I looked back at him. At that moment I knew I love him. Everything about him. And for a sec I thought that I saw love in his eyes too. I thought I understood why didn't we get along well at those few past days. We just loved each other too much, or so I thought. I was just going to do something lovely and insane, as he said 'For god sake, Carter, sometimes I just wonder how did you get here'. It did it. All the love was gone. I looked at Colonel and said 'Sometimes I wonder what for did I get here'. I don't know why I said it. I just did. Guess I just wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me. Anyway, after I said it I left. There were tears in my eyes as I walked out of the infirmary. Janet was sitting there infront on it, and she stood up to greet me. I walked away as if I didn't notice her. The last thing I wanted to do was to tell her about what fool I was. I walked quickly out of the base and drove home. I cried all the time till I got home.
13.02.2000
Today was a really hard day for me at the base. I tried to avoid Jack, but I meat him on every god damn corner. I didn't talk to him, I didn't even greet him. I felt tears in my eyes every time I saw Jack. It just hurt so much. I guess now it's that I don't understand his jokes. How could he be kidding, when he was so...wonderful in that chat. I guess I fell in love with Flyboy. And yesterday as I found out that the man I loved and hated was the man I loved, it just...I'm gonna need a doctor now. It's Valentine's day tomorrow, and I will just stay home, cause I haven't got anything else to do. Or anybody to do it with. Today I went to that chat again. I don't know why, I just felt like it. I took another name. I just wanted to check if Flyboy...Jack was there. He was. It was eight pm, our date time. He was expecting for me to come, I guess. Maybe he wasn't kidding about all that stuff. Maybe he had some feelings for me. Maybe not everything, not everything of what he said was a lie. Maybe he meant something of it. Or maybe it's just my crazy imagination. Anyway, I didn't see him talking to anybody else either. He just was there. So was I. Maybe he knew that I was there. Maybe he wanted me to chat with him. I don't know, and I don't think I'll ever find out. I waited till he left at nine pm, and I left too. Maybe it'd be better if I had talked to him. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. But it's too late. If there was something to fix or save, it's all gone now. And it hurts the hell out of me.
14.02.2000
It's Valentine's day today. I was going to spend this day just as it would be any other day, but things got changed. I woke up at morning because somebody was ringing my doorbell. I went to open the door, but there was nobody there. I was going to close the door, but then I looked to the ground. A big bucket of red roses. They looked lovely. I took them inside. As I put them in vase, a small card fell to the floor. I raised it. It was a cute Valentine's day card. I checked the other side of it. 'Sorry.........Jack' it said. And below was written '2000 at my place'. I smiled and squeezed the card in my hand. Maybe things were not as bad as they seemed to be earlier.
The end.
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