longing
Longing
by AliCat
TITLE: Longing
AUTHOR:AliCat
EMAIL: princess_alicat@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack
SPOILERS: Solitudes, In the Line of Duty, Message in a Bottle
SEASON / SEQUEL: None
RATING: PG13
CONTENT WARNINGS:
SUMMARY: None given
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This one's for Siobhan!
I'm always watching her. I love the way she moves. She's so graceful, so poised, so full of confidence. She doesn't know I'm watching her. She's always too involved in whatever she's doing to notice me or anyone else. I love the way she gets so focused that she shuts out the world. She looks so innocent then, and unguarded.
It's the times when she's doing what she loves that I love to watch her the most. She'll be concentrating on a problem, and then she'll smile her angelic smile and reveal that she's found the answer. Everyone around her can't help but smile back. Her joy is so pure that it's contagious. Too bad I can't see her doing what she loves offworld.
And now's when the jealousy rears its very ugly head. I shouldn't be jealous. Every team is carefully picked, and I'm not on one, let alone hers. I'm always at the base, always here for when she steps back through the gate, always here to watch her go and possibly never return. Every time she leaves, a little part of me goes with her. I'd die if something happened to her.
I remember all the times she's been hurt. I remember the incredible sinking feeling I had when she and Colonel O'Neill were lost, only to be found again in the Antarctic. I hadn't even realised I'd had a crush on her then. That whole incident tore my heart out and I knew my dreams would be filled with visions of her forever.
I remember when she was taken over by Jolinar. I thought she'd die. I'd read the reports of what had happened to Kowalski. I knew that they'd try just as hard to save her, but I knew there was no technology that we had that was good enough. She was lost to us, to me. I thought it was a dream when they told me she was alright.
And then when my secret was laid bare. Dr. Jackson told her! I didn't know what to do. I have never wished for death, but the thought flashed through my mind. It was so utterly humiliating, and there was nothing I could do but stammer that we were already recording, letting them know I'd heard his comment. I think he actually enjoyed embarrassing me.
Later on that day, I nearly died. My angel came to my bedside and spoke to me. I think she touched me, but it might be a fever memory. When she smiled, I really didn't feel the pain. I think it was the first time she actually smiled at me. I wish she'd do it again. My heart twists as my mind drags up the image for the millionth time.
Her clear blue eyes are so expressive. When she smiled at me, I felt like I could take on the entire world, and then some. But she smiled out of pity, and only a little friendship. I want her to smile at me the way she smiles at the Colonel. There's that envy again.
He knows the way she looks at him. It's the same way I look at her. He KNOWS how she feels. She's as transparent as I am. When she smiles at him, her eyes twinkle and then she'll laugh at one of his jokes, and he'll smile back. The worst thing is, his smile reflects the same feelings. It's times like these when being in the military really messes things up.
I don't know whether to count myself lucky that neither of them are willing to break the "no fraternising" rule. They're both too aware of the importance of that regulation, and they're both too dedicated to their duty. If we weren't in the military, she wouldn't turn to me, but run to his waiting arms. How can I compete with the Colonel anyway?
Why can't she look at me the way I look at her?
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