Stress Relief
I signed the report and stuck a post-it with a smiley face on the front.
Homeworld Security. Now who thought of that one? Someone with a fondness for melodrama? I bet the General…ah…George…hated it.
Slipping the document into the security satchel, I buzzed for someone to come take it away.
One down, how many to go?
Time for a break. I bent, stretching my hand down to the briefcase I had placed under my desk. I know I had a Hershey bar in there somewhere.
My hand touched something it definitely shouldn’t touch. At least not under my desk. Not deep down under tons of rock inside a mountain.
In a park, maybe, or in my own garden.
But not under my desk.
I came back up, took a deep breath, and yelled into the phone.
“Get me Doctor Lee. Now!”
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
“Calm down, Jack. You’ll give yourself a heart attack”
“Calm down! I’m getting reports from all over the mountain. The damned thing is popping up everywhere. All Lee did was slow it down.”
I threw the sheaf of papers in my hand at him, and watched them flutter into every corner of the room with something akin to glee. At least it would have been glee if I hadn’t been so damned pissed off.
The plant from P6J-908 had reared its ugly head in the canteen, the main control room at NORAD, the officers’ latrines on Level 7, in fact everywhere it couldn’t fail to be noticed. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it had flowers, but no – it had to look like an umbrella tree, one of the most boring plants on the face of this planet.
Surely some little white blooms weren’t too much to ask for?
There were small scuffling noises coming from the floor. Perhaps the plant was eating Daniel? It might be good for something after all.
I stood, and leaned over the desk. No such luck. He was carefully collecting the papers I had thrown and forming them into a neat pile.
I couldn’t even have a temper tantrum anymore without someone cleaning up after me.
I snarled at him, his startled eyes meeting mine for a second before I stormed out of my office, slamming the door behind me.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
“General. The delegates from…”
I pushed my way past. “Tell someone who cares, Walter.”
“Sir!”
“No!” I spun on my heels, ignoring his flinch. “I am going home. I am sleeping in my own bed. Tell Doctor Lee that if the plant isn’t gone by O800 tomorrow I will order the cook to have it made into a soup for his personal enjoyment. Is that clear?”
“But, sir…”
I raised a finger and stuck it in front of his face, eliciting another flinch. “No! Don’t care. Don’t think I ever did. Bye.”
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Well that was fun. Not!
I took my foot off the accelerator, taking the sharp corner with a little more caution than I had shown on the previous few turns.
Acting like a three year old wasn’t the best thing to do while driving down a mountain.
I had some apologies to make. I pulled my cell out of my pocket, steering with one hand, and pushed speed dial.
“Jackson.” He sounded a bit concerned.
“Hi, it’s me.”
“Jack?”
“Yeah.”
“Where are you?”
I grimaced into the phone. “On my way home.”
“Major Davis was looking for you. Something about the delegates…”
I could feel my knuckles tightening as I interrupted. “Tell Davis I will speak with them in the morning. In fact, I’ll deal with everything in the morning. I’m taking the evening off.”
I hung up.
So much for my good intentions. I had turned into the perfect senior officer. An answer for everything, and an apology for nothing.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
The selection of movies was as limited as my patience. I had spotted the small video store down a side street and thought of a brilliant plan to hire a movie for the evening. However, the plan had hinged on my not having to go to any effort to find one.
I muttered, knowing that the clerk was watching me closely. I wandered up the narrow aisle scowling at the bright covers of the kids’ movies, running my eyes over the westerns and moving on with a sigh. There was a section labelled “Classics”. Since when did the movies I remembered from twenty years ago become classics? This was getting ridiculous. I barely recognised a tenth of the titles staring up at me from the recent releases section. Shit!
I slammed another case back onto the shelf. If I wanted to watch aliens, I’d go out and find some for myself.
“Have you seen this one?” The voice was low and feminine. The hand holding the DVD had long, black painted nails. “It’s a classic.’
I shuddered, then looked up at the laugh.
“No, I mean it really is. It’s considered to be the worst movie ever made.” Long legs clad in black jeans, low cut black top, leather collar and belt with silver studs, and a face hidden behind a fringe of long black dyed hair.
“Just a suggestion. It looks like you need a bit of cheering up.” The smile transformed her face. Early thirties, pretty if a little pale.
“Let me have a look.” I took the movie and couldn’t hold back the laugh. It had a lurid cover featuring a woman who looked remarkably like Nirrti. “Plan 9 From Outer Space!” I even found the exclamation mark at the end of the title humorous. No Plan A or Plan B for these people – they moved straight to nine.
“Perfect.” I smiled at the woman. “Just the sort of thing I need tonight.”
“You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help.” She turned back to the shelves.
I was halfway to the counter when I turned back. “Want to come watch it with me?”
She swung her bag embroidered with snakes up onto her shoulder and grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Bela Lugosi said his last words in this movie or any other, something like ten minutes into the film. Every time the dead actor reappeared, back to camera, wearing a long black cape and large hat to conceal the fact that it was a stand-in, I cracked up. The paper plate spaceships with visible string had me rolling on the floor. The leaps from night to day and back again – all in the one scene - were like balm to my stressed nerves. And the hand running up and down my thigh didn’t hurt either.
That bag held some pretty interesting cigarettes, the sort I hadn’t smoked since the seventies. I didn’t renew my acquaintance with them, but I can’t say I didn’t indulge in a little passive smoking. Some beer, some popcorn, and good company. This was shaping up to be an excellent evening.
Vampira stalked her way across the cemetery for the last time about the same time I lost interest in the plot and moved on to more entertaining things. Like finding out other uses for black leather with silver studs.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
The phone woke me. I untangled my arm from the sheets, lifting myself up on one elbow and reached out.
“Jack’s phone. Why are you calling him at four in the morning?””
Oh shit!
I snapped on the bedside light. Black tangled hair and lots and lots of naked flesh.
“It’s for you.”
Yeah, well duh!
“O’Neill.”
There was an embarrassed silence, then the sound of a throat clearing.
“Jack?”
“Yes, Daniel?”
“Sorry - ah – I just rang to ask if you could – ah”
I waited impatiently for the rest of the sentence. Then what I was hearing on the other end of the line registered in my half asleep brain.
“Daniel? Why do you sound distant?”
There was the noise of frantic movement and then the timbre of his voice changed. “That would be because I had you on speaker phone.”
Oh triple shit!
“Who’s with…. No, don’t tell me.” I took a breath and counted to ten, hoping that the alien plant would take the opportunity to fulfil my dearest wish and eat him. “What did you want?”
“I’m having trouble translating an inscription in Ancient on an orb SG-8 brought back a few days ago.”
“And for this you called me at 4am?”
“Would you believe that it seemed like a good idea at the time?”
I was ready to slam the phone down, when his words finally sunk in.
“Orb?” I hissed the word into the mouthpiece, well aware of interested ears. “Like that other one?” I tensed as the memory of being pinned like a bug to the wall of the Gate Room flashed into my mind.
“No. Well, sort of. But I’m sure there’s no need to worry…”
I cut him short. “I’m coming in. Don’t touch anything.”
Hanging up, I pulled myself out of the sheets, grabbing discarded clothes from the floor and dropping them on the bed.
“Here, get dressed. I have to go into work.” I practically ran into the bathroom, her words following me.
“Couldn’t I just stay here? Wait for you to get back?”
I stuck my head back out the door. “Nope. Sorry. You have to go.”
Within a few minutes I was back in the bedroom, pleased to see that she had taken my words to heart and was dressing, albeit with a pout of the lips. I took my uniform from the closet, and put it on, finally sitting on the edge of the bed as I slipped on my socks.
“Listen, sorry about this. Will you be okay if I call you a cab?” I looked across to where she sat echoing my movements, one high heeled boot already on. “Maybe we could have dinner some time, take in a movie?”
She stood, brushing the knots from her hair with a few sweeps of her fingers. I took a step towards her.
She stepped back and looked me up and down, taking in my blue clad body, the stars on the collar. Then she smiled and shook her head.
“No. It wouldn’t work. I don’t like men in uniforms.” She picked up her bag. “Don’t take it personally, I think it’s something to do with hating authority.” She headed for the door. “Don’t bother calling a cab. I’ll walk. See ya, General.”
I grinned.
Well, that was novel.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I barrelled into Daniel’s office, loaded and hunting for bear, only to stop short. Instead of one annoying archaeologist, I was confronted by five pairs of eyes – Teal’c, Daniel, two of Daniel’s assistants, and Walter.
“Daniel?”
“Jack.”
“Daniel?”
He pointed at the round, copper colored, shiny ball on his desk. I walked up to it, feeling all the eyes in the room upon me.
“Have you touched anything?” I tore my gaze away from the row of buttons running around its circumference. “Please tell me you haven’t touched anything.”
Daniel looked indignant. “No, of course I haven’t.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Well, last time you touched an alien ball it started ticking.”
“That was just a coincidence – I never even touched it. It started ticking on its own!”
I nodded, staring back at the innocent looking object. “Yes, Daniel, sure.”
“I didn’t!”
“Did.”
“Did not.”
“Should you not be translating the inscription, O’Neill?” Teal’c – aka The Voice of Reason.
Anyway, I had been. I could multitask, arguing with Daniel is a no brainer.
I read it.
Blinked.
Read it again.
“What did you make of this, Daniel?”
He picked up his notebook and flipped several pages. “I came up with several possible translations, Jack. It seems to be a warning of some sort, but of what I couldn’t work out. Something about visions, or taking the correct path.” He looked and sounded annoyed. It really irritated him that I could read Ancient fluently while he was still at Kindergarten level. “Can you read it?”
I nodded solemnly.
“I certainly can. And you were right, it is a warning.”
I picked up the orb gingerly and began walking. Every eye followed my movement.
“Come on.” I included everyone in my gesture.
“Should I go ahead and get them to dial the gate, sir?”
“No, Walter.” I shook my head. “That won’t be necessary.” I turned the corner, heading for the elevator. “So this was found on the same planet as that plant?”
Daniel held the doors open and we all piled in. ”That’s right, Jack. I hadn’t had a chance to look at it before tonight.” His face showed surprise at the button I’d pushed.
The door opened and I started along the corridor to my office.
“Ah, Jack?”
“Shush.”
For once, he shushed.
I juggled the orb in one hand while getting out my swipe card, careful not to drop it. As soon as we were all in the office I walked behind the desk and bent down.
Yeap. Still there. Bigger too.
Placing the orb on the papers covering my desk, I twisted the top.
Then I picked it up, ducked down under the desk again and pushed three of the buttons.
The plant took one gulp and shrivelled up.
“Sweet!”
I poked the dry leaves with my foot, watching them crumble into a fine dust.
“Jack?”
“Yes, Daniel?”
“What the hell just happened?”
I patted the orb in a friendly fashion, then twisted the top again.
“You were right. It was a warning.” I pointed to the appropriate piece of text, tracing it with my finger. “Careful. Align nozzle correctly. Do not spray in eyes.” I smiled at him. “It’s a weed killer.”
I tossed the orb to him. He caught it instinctively, still staring open mouthed.
“Crisis over. I’m going back home to bed.”
Every eye swivelled towards me, speculation on every face.
Damn! Let me guess. They had all been in Daniel’s office when he called me.
Oh what the hell! They could think what they liked.
I grinned.
“Yes. I won’t be back until later. Much later. Could you lock the office door when you leave, Teal’c?”
“Certainly, O’Neill.” Was that a smirk?
I whistled as I walked down the corridor.
I definitely wasn’t feeling stressed anymore.
The End
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Stress Relief – General Jack Year 2 Part 9
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Movie details for anyone warped enough to want to watch it. “Plan 9 From Outer Space!” aka “Grave Robbers From Outer Space!” Directed by Ed Woods (1956)Site Navigation
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