Shedding Skin
I stormed down the corridor, ignoring the curious glances from the passing personnel, my mind in turmoil.
How was I going to fix this? Just how the hell was I ever going to fix this? The thin veneer covering my past had been stripped away, and my friends had finally seen me for what I was.
I scrubbed my hand across my face as I walked, thinking back to the scene in the park. Nolan,…stunned,… my gun at his head. My team, totally shocked by what they had found.
And me? I’d had to force myself not to pull that trigger. Not to blow the brains out of the evil minded bastard who had just done more to ruin my life than all the Goa’uld combined.
Only the look on Carter’s face had stopped me.
As soon as I lowered my weapon, Nolan turned tail and ran. Moments later, the sound of his car engine came to me through the trees.
I hadn’t hung around to see the condemnation in the faces staring at me. I had taken a leaf from Nolan’s book, and fled without a word.
Without any destination in mind, I found myself back here at the mountain. I was like a homing pigeon, always returning to the same roost no matter how far away it had been. Always returning home.
But now I felt like the wolf in the fold, the cat amongst the canaries. Like I was impersonating someone that I was not, someone good and honest. Someone clean. I felt like I had lost my soul all over again, but this time Ba’al hadn’t taken it. This time I had lost it through my own actions.
The NORAD firing range was half full. The Gunnery Sergent was obviously surprised to see me. He looked down at his booking sheet before pointing me towards a vacant spot. He looked even more surprised when I pulled the Beretta from my dress uniform jacket and started shooting. The sound of rapid gunfire rent the air, each round connecting, in my mind’s eye, with the smiling face of Nolan. Bullet after bullet sped its way towards the head of the target, until the clip was empty. I saw with satisfaction that they had all hit right between the cardboard eyes.
I felt slightly better.
I turned to leave. It was only then that the silence registered. Every eye was on me – the general in his dress uniform, the small concise hole into which every bullet had flown, the look in my eyes.
If my reputation hadn’t already preceded me it would now.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I went straight to Hammond. There are some people that you know that you can trust under any circumstances, and George is one of them. He needed to know what had happened.
And, to be honest, I knew that I needed to talk this out with someone. Someone who understood.
I knocked on his door, and received a quick permission to enter, only to find myself confronted by a scene that chilled my blood.
SG-1 stood in the General’s office, questions painting their faces. Teal’c’s was calm, perhaps a little worry furrowing his brow. Daniel was a little shocked, his eyes looking up at me, widening, before looking away.
But it was Carter that wrenched my heart. She had obviously been the leader of the little party that led them here to the General’s office. Her face was accusing, beyond shocked, she looked as if I had done the unthinkable.
Oh, shit.
“Have a seat, General.” George waved me to a chair. “I think we need to have a talk.”
I dropped into the seat, totally unable to think of anything to say. Carter’s eyes followed me like a hawk eyeing prey. My anger still burned deep inside me. This was so not fair, they shouldn’t judge.
She shouldn’t judge.
I had my reasons. I had my orders. It had been a different time.
A different Jack.
I raised my eyes and met her stare. "What do you want to know?"
Her eyes flickered at my sudden abrupt question. It was Daniel who spoke first. It was always Daniel. "Who was that man, Jack? What were you doing?"
That's when Hammond coughed, taking some of the attention from me. His eyes caught mine, and I realised I was between a rock and a hard place, classification still stood. I was on my own on this one. Unable to give them the details, but needing to give them some answers.
I hesitated for a moment longer, swallowed, and attempted to speak, but my throat got caught on my tongue, and I only ended up coughing. Carter's eyes bore into the top of my head as I bent over, trying to catch my breath, and my anger flared once more. I found myself answering more sharply than I had intended.
“It was an old acquaintance, Daniel.”
"A friend, Jack? It didn't look like you were being very friendly."
Shit. Why did life always have to be so hard?
"You seemed to know him quite well, O'Neill." Teal'c's calm voice cut through the uncomfortable silence in the room.
"Know him, yes, Teal'c, I did. I just wish I didn't." My answer raised a few eyebrows. I could see from their reaction that they needed more.
Damn.
"I worked with him for a time." I looked over towards George, seeing him listening carefully. ”I can't tell you the details, it's classified."
Carter spoke for the first time; her voice very controlled. "Convenient, General." Her tone was like ice. "We heard what he said, sir, and we didn't hear you deny it"
I stared up at her. "That's because I couldn't deny it, Major"
I couldn't believe that her eyes could get any colder, but they did. There was a sharp intake of breath from Daniel, but Teal'c showed no reaction what so ever. I stared at the Jaffa, using him as a bastion of strength in these troubled waters. Teal'c stared back, and I suddenly understood. His past was as stained as my own. There was a depth of understanding in his eyes that spoke volumes, but the heat boring into the side of my head brought my thoughts inexorably back to Sam Carter. She would not understand.
But she would have to.
Hammond finally spoke "Last week General O'Neill was contacted by this person. We believe that he may be involved in criminal activity. Upon mutual consultation it was decided that we should seek further information from the individual. It was this meeting that you witnessed. All I can ask is that SG-1 co-operates in this exercise."
"It didn't look like a meeting from where I stood, sir." Carter's voice was accusing. "It looked more like General O’Neill was about to get rid of an annoyance." Her eyes left my own to turn to Hammond. "I'm not sure I want to be involved in this mission, General." The temperature in the room dropped several more degrees. George’s eyes snapped back to my face.
"Sam?" Daniel sounded worried, but Carter was now ignoring everyone but Hammond, she didn’t take her eyes from the General’s as she replied. "You heard what was said Daniel. Am I the only person who has a problem with it?" She stood to attention. "Permission to be excused, sir."
Hammond looked a little shocked, but nodded his assent, and she stalked out without a backward glance.
Leaving me behind, my temper barely in check.
Oh, God. Was I going to loose the team over this?
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Carter’s abrupt departure left me with a very bad taste in my mouth. I sat looking at the door of the briefing room as it closed behind her, not really sure how to react.
But as the temperature in the room suddenly heated up, I realised that I had already reacted.
Badly.
I was furious. Totally and utterly livid.
How many ways are there for a general to be angry? I could count at least fifteen – and that was only in English.
Forget the other languages I knew.
Irked.
Peeved.
Peeved didn’t cut it really.
Deep breath, Jack. Don’t let it get to you. Don’t let them see that they had finally made a crack in the façade that was O’Neill, hardhearted military man.
Hardhearted bastard.
Don’t let them see that I cared. That would make me vulnerable. Keep the anger; use it to your advantage.
Any advantage helped in war, and, make no mistake about it, this was a war that I was determined to win.
Daniel was the first one to break the silence.
“What’s going on, Jack? You can’t just leave us in the dark like this. From where I’m standing it sounds like you have more in your past than just a few classified missions. Something that you were prepared to kill to hide.” His voice was more upset than angry – hurt even.
It was General Hammond who answered. “General O’Neill has nothing that he needs to be ashamed of, Doctor Jackson. What he did, he did because he was asked to by his country.” He glanced over at me as I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. “ No – not asked, ordered. Yes, he has killed, but never did he do anything unsanctioned by the Air Force.” He paused then continued. “At no time have I lost faith in the capabilities and honour of Jack O'Neill. Dr Jackson, you should know as much yourself.”
I found that I couldn’t raise my eyes, couldn’t look at them. What would they see if I did? Would they see the man that they had known for so many years, worked so closely with, their friend, or would they see the man from the park, the killer of men?
I couldn’t look.
“I have never doubted that, General Hammond.” Teal’c’s deep voice broke the silence. “General O’Neill is an honourable man, one that I am proud to call friend.”
“Jack.” It was Daniel again. “Jack?” I found myself looking up into his anxious, worried face. “I don’t care what anyone says, I know you. Whatever he accused you of, whatever you have done in the past, you had a reason for, and if the reason was good enough for you, then it’s good enough for me.”
“Why, Daniel?”
“Because I trust you, Jack.” His answer was simple, but it grabbed my heart and
squeezed.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I left the others in George’s office, still hunting for more information on Nolan and any possible target. Hammond’s total support had stunned me. With a few phone calls he had obtained permission for me to tell Daniel and Teal’c as much as I could, as much as was needed. It had been hard. I had found myself revealing more about my past than I had ever wanted to remember, let alone tell anyone.
Neither of them had questioned. They had both accepted what I said – the reasons that I gave. Teal’c I could understand, but Daniel – I don’t think that I will ever forget the feeling of relief when I realised that he had meant what he said. He trusted me. He had heard me tell them of the things that I had done, and he still trusted me.
Now there was only one hurdle left.
Carter.
She was exactly where I had expected to find her– in her lab surrounded by bits and pieces of alien machinery, her hair messed up and sticking out all over. She had heard me come in, I knew she had, but she kept twisting a piece of metal, trying to fit it into some sort of boxlike object. I waited, my anger, lost in the wonder of Daniel’s words, growing once again.
Finally I had had enough.
“Major Carter.” It was a command, not a request.
She jumped up, her training kicking in. “Yes, sir?”
“What excuse do you have for that little display in the General’s office?”
Her face flushed, but I’ll give her this, she stood her ground. “I would rather not discuss it, General.”
“We will discuss it, Carter. Here and now. I want to know what gives you the right to judge me. Why you couldn’t even be bothered with an explanation before condemning me.” My voice rose as my anger grew. “You have no right, Major. No right at all.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I have every right, sir.” She spat out the words, her eyes flashing. “I watched my parent’s marriage fall apart because of my father’s involvement in just the sort of missions that you accepted so easily. I watched the arguments and the hurt silence. I watched my father change. And then my mother was killed, and I found out why my father hadn’t gone to pick her up like he had promised, why he hadn’t been there.” She took a step closer to me. “Was it really your son’s death that killed your marriage, General, or was it already dead? Was it just the last straw for your wife, like it was for my mother? Did your killing murder your marriage?”
My mind went totally blank for a moment, empty, but then the emptiness began to fill with rage, a fury, and as I stared down at the woman in front of me, a red haze blurred my vision. I felt rather than saw her stumble back from me, her hand going up to cover her mouth. I couldn’t trust myself, couldn’t trust what I might do.
I turned sharply and left, breathing hard.
I had to walk away.
I should have gone back to Teal’c and Daniel, but instead I went to my quarters and lay down on the bed, wound up so tight that I knew that I would snap at the slightest touch or errant look. That would not be a pretty sight, not a pretty sight at all.
My mind spun in circles, going over and over what Carter had said. She obviously had issues, was carrying a lot of baggage.
Well, she didn’t need to off load it on me.
My marriage had been a happy and loving one, right up until that terrible day when my son had died. Sure, Sara and I had gone through some bad patches, especially after my time in Iraq, but our love had been strong. It had died with our child.
Carter was wrong. Very wrong. And I was not sure that I could ever forgive her for her words.
I didn’t know how long I lay there. At one point Daniel had knocked at the door, asking if I was inside, that he had news. I told him to go away.
Finally, I realised that hiding was useless. After a quick wash and a change of clothes, I opened the door, ready to face the world again.
Carter was sitting on the floor, back against the wall opposite my quarters. She stumbled to her feet, her face white.
“What do you want, Major?” My fury was still incandescent.
“I need to speak to you, sir.” She glanced around. “Privately.”
I thought about ignoring her, but then gestured curtly with a nod of my head. “You better come in.”
I shut the door after us, uncaring about how it might look. “Well?”
She was trembling. “I want to apologise, sir. I can’t believe I said those things to you. God, I am so sorry.”
I wasn’t ready to forgive so easily. Things had been said that couldn’t be glossed over with a quick apology. “What brought on this change of heart, Major?”
She just stood there, shaking her head, then spoke in a small voice "I was wrong, General, and I apologise. I'm afraid I have some issues regarding the sort of operations that you carried out, and I lashed out at you, unforgivablely. I'm sorry." Her voice broke into a sob. “You have never done anything to deserve what I said. I have nothing but respect for you, sir. I understand about following orders, I know that we have all done things that we regret.”
“Yes, Carter, we have. But some of us have more to regret than others.”
I wouldn’t let her get to me. I wouldn’t. I needed this fury, this pain. I needed to use it to bring Nolan down – hard.
“Come on. Daniel had some news he wanted to tell me earlier. Let’s go see what it is.” I kept my tone cool, professional. As we walked I could see her watching me out the corner of her eye, as if she wasn’t sure how to handle my reaction. That’s exactly the way I wanted it. We walked in silence the whole way.
The others had moved from George’s office into the briefing room, where they would have more room. All three pairs of eyes turned to us as we entered, but one look at my face and they quickly turned back to what they were doing, that is except Hammond, he gave me a tight smile and stood, drawing me to the far side of the room with him.
“Are you okay, son?” He kept his voice low as he watched Carter moving to where the others sat. I knew what he was really asking.
“Sure. You know me, sir – water off a duck’s back.” I shrugged, unwilling to show my true feelings even to George.
He didn’t seem happy with my answer, but he knew me, he really shouldn’t have expected anything else. “We’ve found some information, Jack.” We walked back to the table, still talking. “We may have found Nolan’s target. Has he tried to reach you again?”
“Crap!” I pulled my cell out of my pocket. “I left it off.” I quickly switched it on. Five messages – all from an increasingly annoyed Nolan. The final one demanded a meeting in the morning or he threatened to go public with what he had on me. I decided then and there that I would met him alright, but there was no way that I would ever do what he wanted.
My soul wasn’t for sale.
“The target seems to be political, Jack.” Daniel interrupted my thoughts. “We traced Nolan’s movements. He made contact with a radical right wing group last week before coming straight here. We have a possible name.”
I was surprised at how much they had achieved in such a short space of time. I glanced at each of them, in question. Teal’c was the one to explain. “General Hammond has made several phone calls to people whom he refers to as ‘contacts’. They have been extremely helpful.”
George looked at me, and I did a creditable impression of the Jaffa’s raised eyebrow. “I called in a few favours, Jack.”
I understood what that must have cost him. I am reluctant to ever have anything to do with my sources, and only use them when absolutely necessary. There was always a price on that sort of information, and sometimes it was too high to pay. Something of my thoughts must have showed on my face because George continued. “It only goes a small way to repay what I owe you, son.”
“Who’s the target?” So sue me, I’m not into big emotional scenes.
Daniel held up a picture.
Shit!
The Secretary of Defence, Arthur Simms. Simms was one of our staunchest supporters, and a man that I personally liked.
“Nolan must have done some digging, worked out that you can get close to him.” Carter looked as stunned as I felt.
Maybe, maybe not. I wondered if he had found some reference to me in his research on Simms, a clue that had set him on my trail and lead him to me by luck more than cleverness, after all, he hadn’t known much about my career since his last contact with me. He probably just decided to use whatever tool came available – me.
So Nolan was trying to send me on what was essentially a suicide mission.
“How do you want to handle this, Jack?” George made it clear that the decision was in my hands.
“I’ll have to meet Nolan. What happens then will be up to him.” Carter lowered her eyes when I said that. She knew full well what I meant, and wasn’t comfortable with it. “I do know that we can’t let him continue, even if it means exposing some things better left hidden.” Those eyes looked up at me. I stared back.
I was going to keep true to myself and damn the consequences.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I don’t know about the others but I barely got any sleep that night. Every time I started to drift off, images came crashing in, images of times I had done my best to forget, and through it all Nolan’s smirking face was all pervasive. The morning saw me awake well before the base came alive, drinking strong black coffee in an effort to stay sharp. Today was a day that I needed to be as alert as possible.
“O’Neill.” Teal’c inclined his head at my gestured invitation for him to join me at the mess hall table.
The room was empty, the hour too early for most. We could speak freely.
“Thanks.”
Brief and to the point.
“For what, O’Neill?”
Oh for cryin’ out loud!
“You know.”
“I do not.”
I sipped my coffee and tried to gauge if he was really as clueless as he was making out.
Oh crap.
“For, you know, your support.” I’d never been good at this sort of thing.
“You have done the same for me, O’Neill. It is I who should thank you.”
“Yeah, well, thanks.”
He bowed his head again.
Thank god that was over! Wasn’t that hard after all.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Carter was next. I cornered her in her lab again. Nicely predictable is Carter.
"We good?"
"Sir?"
"We good, Carter?"
Her smile was dazzling. "Yes, sir, we're good."
Good.
"Okay, just checking."
All done. I could concentrate on the task at hand.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
The rain poured down out of thick grey clouds. The grass was soft under my feet, mud already coating the bottom of my jeans. Needless to say, we were alone. He was waiting for me in the same place, the tall stand of trees blocking us from view.
He looked pissed.
I had deliberately kept him waiting for over half an hour just to see how much he wanted this. The water dripped off his hair and ran down his sodden jacket, turning his clothes a uniformly wet black.
He must want it a lot.
“About time! I was just about to leave.” He looked upset and cold and I didn’t care one iota.
“I was delayed.” I didn’t sit down. I got right to the point. “What exactly do you want from me, Nolan?”
He glanced quickly around before answering. “I told you, I have a job for you.” He pulled a large envelope from under his jacket and held it out to me.
“And I told you that I wasn’t interested. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?”
His face reddened slightly, the anger showing. “I told you what would happen if you fucked with me, Jack.” He pushed the envelope forward.
“What if I said that I didn’t care? I’m not going to play your sick game, Nolan. You can just slink back into your hole now. I did what I was ordered to do, no more and if you want to go to the press with this, go right ahead.” I stared him down, hoping against hope that he wouldn’t call my bluff.
His smile chilled me. “That’s where you’re wrong, General. You see, that last assignment of yours? You were already on my payroll. It was never officially sanctioned.” He stood and stepped closer. “I was paid well for that job. Very well indeed. You would have been in my service for years now if it hadn’t been for the war. Your disappearing act spoilt my plans.” He saw the dawning comprehension on my face, and his smile grew. “Didn’t you wonder about that last mission? How it all went wrong and yet nothing was said? You sold your soul to the devil on that one, Jack and I’m here to collect.”
My skin went cold, and it had nothing to do with the rain. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. To think that four months in hell had bought my salvation from this bastard. All those months when I had been unreachable. I had dropped out of sight and reappeared, seemingly broken and scarred. Unusable.
“I have evidence that places you at the scene. Evidence that proves you were freelancing, Jack. Evidence of a very large sum being placed in your account. It’s marvellous what you can do with computers these days. How do you think that the Air Force will respond to that? Especially when you consider the aftermath of that job, the lives lost because of you.” He paused, watching me carefully.
There was one thing that he didn’t know. I had lost my soul to the devil already.
And I had got it back.
I wasn’t about to lose it again.
All those years of guilt. All those times waking at night, screams echoing through my head.
I had been set up.
I usually pride myself on my ability to keep calm and controlled in most situations. You have to keep a cool head when you operate in the sort of places I have. There aren’t many times that I can remember losing it. This was one of them.
I don’t even remember moving. One moment I was standing, looking at his smiling face, the next I had my hands around his throat, squeezing, hearing his breath gasping, and enjoying every second of it.
The burning sensation in my gut barely registered until I felt the strength leave my hands. I looked down.
The bastard had stabbed me.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I couldn’t blame him really. That’s what comes of getting upset, acting without thinking. It was a lesson that I would remember for the future. That is if I had one, from the expression on Nolan’s face, my future could be counted in minutes at the most.
My hands dropped to the wound without any conscious move on my part, an instinctive reaction. I pressed them to me, holding back the pain and watched helplessly as Nolan took large shuddering gasps of air. I knew what was coming next, just what I would have done in the same circumstances. He moved in for the kill, his face still red, his eyes bright with anger.
There was nothing I could do. Nothing to stop him. A tremor rose up from my stomach, the agony dropping me to my knees.
I watched my death move closer.
Nolan was overtaken in mid step by a burst of light. My stunned gaze took in the figure of Teal’c standing over him. Our eyes met and I knew exactly what he was about to do. Maybe I could have stopped him. Maybe I couldn’t have. I will never know, because I didn’t speak. Two more zat blasts lit up the clearing.
“Teal’c!” Daniel’s horrified voice made me look up, to see the rest of SG-1 run into sight. “What have you done?”
My friend’s eyes were on me as he replied. “My finger slipped.”
“Twice?”
“Yes, Daniel Jackson. The zat’ni’katel must be faulty. I will check it as soon as I return to the SGC.”
I could feel myself slipping down into darkness. Carter’s hands were all that was keeping me from falling forward.
“You heard everything?”
“Yes, General, and we have it on tape, but I don’t think that we’ll need to use it. Now.” Carter’s eyes flickered to the spot that should have held a body, but didn’t.
“I’ve called Janet. She should be here soon.” The voices were fading in and out. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered now. I knew that I was in good hands.
I might be on my knees in the mud, but I could finally hold my head up high.
The End
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