Sorrow
Sorrow
by Jo Taylor
Title: Sorrow
Author: Jo Taylor
Email: sylvia.benson@linone.net
Category: Angst
Season: any Season
Pairing: Daniel/Sam
Rating: G
Warnings: character death
Summary: *It was her turn to sit with him, something she both longed for and dreaded.* Sam's pov on Meridian plus episode tag.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
SORROW
Jo Taylor
It was her turn to sit with him, something she longed for and yet dreaded. He had been so much a part of her life these last six years, someone she could rely on in any situation. Just the thought of what he was suffering now brought tears to her eyes, for both of them she realised. There was so much she should have told him. Now, though she poured her thoughts out to him, she really didn't know if he could hear her. A few minutes ago his eyes had closed, his breathing had become so shallow she had held her own breath in case the moment had arrived. But the machines had kept on beeping, little numbers kept ticking over.
In the mad panic to get him back to the Infirmary she hadn't let herself think, or feel. All the time she had something to do she could pretend this wasn't Daniel, this wasn't someone who she loved, on whom she had come to rely on in those moments when she needed a sympathetic ear. He had never judged, never wanted anything in return, he had always given never taken. He didn't deserve this. Nor had he deserved any of the heartbreaking things that life had sent his way. His brief moment of happiness with Sha're had been summarily taken from him, and she had been there for him in his grief. As he had been for her when Nureem had given his life for his people. It wasn't until Daniel had sought her out after that suddenly terminated message that she had realised just how much she had cared for the man.
The image of Daniel standing in the doorway of her lab came back with crystal clarity. His voice, his comforting words, the sympathy, the empathy in his eyes made her heart turn over with the pain of it. He was the only one she had felt comfortable enough with to express her anguish. There would never be any judgement from him, just support. His shoulder was always available. He was more than a brother to her; more than a friend. He was utterly reliable and yet he could, and did, go his own way to the concern of all of them. Daniel was full of contradictions, which just meant he was even dearer to her.
Was it her imagination or had he stirred a little then? Bandages, now soaked with bodily fluids tore at her heart. There was one last desperate measure she could try. The healing device that was hidden in her lab. If her father didn't arrive soon she would make the attempt, for Daniel - though the thought of failure almost made her heart stop. She was about to lose one of the people most dear to her, and it behoved her to try ever avenue.
"I'll be back, Daniel," she whispered.
Teal'c stood outside the door, waiting his turn to say his farewells. His massive frame seemed wonderfully strong at that moment though the pain in his eyes was evident. Without thought she rested her forehead on his chest, taking comfort from his presence. His arms wrapped around her as they stood silently giving and receiving from one another. A few moments later she lifted her head and gazed up into Teal'c's face. His lips were trembling where he held his emotions clenched tightly within. On every level, with every one of the SGC Daniel had connected. From the members of his team to the technicians and scientists, without exception he had touched them in some way. Just by being Daniel. With a greater sense of urgency she ran to her lab and grabbed the healing device from its cupboard.
It was over. Daniel had... ascended. They had all seen it; the glowing entity that had left his ravaged, pain wracked body. And with it a sense of elation had briefly filled her heart. He was free, free to follow the dictates of his heart, free from the restraints of the military life, free from his pain forever.
She let her eyes lower to the bed, nothing remained. It was as though Daniel had never been there, had not slowly slipped away from them. There was nothing left to mourn over, nothing to say a final farewell to - no body to return to Abydos as had been his most heartfelt wish. His will had asked that he be buried beside his beloved Sha're, that Kasuf should stand as his father and perform the rites that would see them united in the afterlife. That could not happen now; and somehow someone had to explain to him what had happened to the beloved son of the Abydonian chieftain.
The rest of that day passed in a blur. General Hammond had given them all leave to go home for the rest of the day and she had taken that respite willingly, only to find that home was not where she wanted to be. The one person she could have gone to to share her sorrow was no longer there.
Restless, she had gone to the park, sat on the bench and watched as couples strolled by her, watching their smiling faces with envy. Tears pricked at her eyes once more, dashing them away with trembling hands she made her way back to the house and its empty silence. Daniel had spent many evenings here sharing her food and her company. They shared so many interests beyond the scientific and had spent hours debating over everything from their favourite ice cream to how best to aid the Asgard in their fight against the replicators. Something Daniel had felt passionately about since the destruction of the android. A guilt that was not his alone she conceded now.
There seemed nowhere that she could rest; nowhere that did not resonate with his personality or his influence. Dragging on her coat she drove quickly back to the facility and wandered the corridors, round and round until her footsteps led to his door. No one had been here since Daniel had been brought back from Kelowa. Her hand reached for the handle then drew back. She couldn't face it, not yet, not now. It had been hard enough to go through Daniel's effects after his supposed death years before, now... now she found that she could not face such an overwhelming reminder of him.
It had been a week. A week since she had felt part of her soul depart with Daniel's spirit. A week when sorrow had caught up with her at totally inappropriate moments and tears had threatened her control. Her mirror told her that red rimmed eyes did nothing for her looks but she could not empty her heart of its sense of loss. And here she was again, outside his door. With a quick turn of the handle she strode across the threshold as though it had been some huge barrier she had to pass. A flick of the switch and subdued lighting gave the room life. Standing just inside the door she could feel him all around her. His touch was everywhere, from the shelves laden with books and artefacts to the discarded glasses laying on his desk, waiting for him to return, to...
She took a deep breath and moved further into his sanctuary, fingers touching an ancient pot here, a shiny knife there. And everywhere the scent of books, of paper, musty with age. On his desk, a reference book lay open, his glasses resting against the page as a marker. She looked at the text, Latin, and smiled before her loss wrapped around her once more. His diary lay to one side and she picked it up, feeling the soft leather cover with gentle fingers. It was then she heard General Hammond coming into the room.
It had been Teal'c who had come up with the idea. For days he had avoided everyone on the base whilst he had performed a long Kel'no'reem. On his last visit to the Infirmary he had taken a statue that Daniel had given him many years before. A receptacle for the soul; to ensure that person's journey to heaven. Teal'c had brought it to her in her lab and proposed that they take the statue to Abydos. It had been beside Daniel when he had... ascended. Who was to say that some small part of him had not entered the statue, was not trapped within only waiting for them to perform the rites that would set him free?
She knew then that Teal'c felt the lack of finality the same way she did. They had not even held a memorial service for Daniel. Without a body and the fact that he was not really dead, meant that there was no 'official' recognition of his passing. But they needed more; she needed more. They might never see him again and it was so hard to let go.
Warm winds blew around them as Kasuf stood over the tiny grave next to Sha're's. He had accepted their story of Daniel's departure from the world, had accepted the statue housing his son in law's last breath and had bid them stay for the rites.
As he weighed Daniel's soul against the feather Sam could not stop the tears from falling. At last she had a focus for her grief, something tangible to pour out her feelings to. And she could come here when she needed to talk to him. After the last few days, the loss of Thor, the fight with Osiris, she needed this.
The others had moved away, were saying their goodbyes to Kasuf and Daniel's extended family. The sorrow she saw in every face only confirmed the loss that Daniel's departure had brought to them all. But he was at peace now, wherever he may be. And perhaps she could begin to let him go too.
"Goodbye Daniel," she whispered, her words taken by the desert winds to be scattered across the universe.
The end.
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Sylvia.benson@lineone.net
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