Lose a little, Drag a little
Lose a little, Drag a little
by Jenny
TITLE: Lose a little, Drag a little
AUTHOR: Jenny Jade
EMAIL: jedi_jenny@coruscant.net
STATUS: complete CATEGORY: humour, and S/J Romance
SPOILERS: Based on the episode "Emancipation", and the events after it.
SEASON / SEQUEL info: Depends on the feedback. The title will be similar for the sequel if I have one. The season is one, right after "Emancipation"
RATING: PG-13 at least.
CONTENT WARNINGS: Sexual Innuendo and a teeny bit of Danny whumping
SUMMARY: Jack and Sam make a bet and Jack gets more than he bargained for...More info? Imagine Jack in a blue dress....
DISCLAIMER: You've probably read all this before, but unfortunately I don't own anything that is StarGateSg-1, it's characters, plots, yada yada. They all belong to Stargate Productions, Showtime, MGM, and Gekko. This fanfic is solely for my own perverted entertainment, or any others who wish to read it. No copyright infringement is intended. I am not receiving money for this. Please ask if this story is to be posted elsewhere.
P.S: This story is my first story, and since I've read lotsa StarGate and Star Wars fan fics, I've picked up on a lot of writing techniques. Thanx to Louise for her "support" (Louise BTW, is also a fanfic author) Feel free to write to my email address for any comments, please don't send me any abusive emails. And yes, coruscant is a Star Wars planet...
"You wanna make a bet, Carter?" Jack asked. He was getting bored sitting and waiting for Daniel to finish collecting artifacts on this world. They were on the desert world P3X417,and well, it was just, desert. Except for a few 'rocks' as Jack liked to call them, there wasn't much of anything else.
"What on, sir?" Carter replied, just as bored as he was.
"Well, I bet that Lieutenant Simmons will be in the Gate room, when we go back to the SGC." Jack said, with a smirk at Sam to hide his jealousy.
"OK, what's the catch?" Sam asked, suspicious.
"Ahh, here's the fun part. If Simmons is there, you have to wear that LOVELY blue dress you wore on Simarka." Jack said, with a vicious gleam in his eye. He remembered his words last time he referred to her appearance in the dress It works for me...
"OK...." Sam said, feeling something was up, but being a good sport.
"When we go back to Simarka for the chieftan's son's wedding." Jack finished.
"What?!" yelped Sam, shock evident on her face.
"Oh come on, Carter, don't be a spoilsport, in fact, I'm so generous, I'll even wear a suit." Jack said.
"Sir, its the General's order for you to wear a suit." Sam answered dryly.
"So? What if his orders coincide with my decisions? It'll be in my advantage." as Jack uttered those words, he felt a sudden change of mood from his second officer, like she just remembered something.
"Sir, I'll take the bet only on one condition, that you dress in drag AND the blue dress to Simarka if you lose." Sam replied.
"Sure, there's no way I can lose, I mean, the poor kid has fallen hard for you." Jack joked.
This seemed to make Sam even happier to raise the bet even more.
"OK, you also have to conform to the customs on Simarka, like the slave trade of women, and of course I'll conform to the rules also if I lose." Sam said with a twinkle in her eye.
By this time Jack was getting suspicious. "Now wait a minute..." Jack started to say. But he was cut off when Sam said, "No, too bad, you can't back out of the deal now sir."
Daniel caught the end of this and asked, "What's happening? Teal'c?" he asked Teal'c what happened when Sam and Jack didn't answer him.
"I am sorry Daniel Jackson. I was over there standing guard when O'Neill and Captain Carter were talking." Teal'c answered in his usual monotone.
"Sam? Jack? What's up? Guys?" Daniel started asking, confused as they proceeded to dial up the Stargate and DHD.
Or Daniel was anyway. Jack and Sam were too busy giving each other challenging stares, though Sam looked slightly more smugger than Jack's unusual nervousness...
*** Gate Room ***
Whoosh! The ride from the wormhole ended, and Jack looked around desperately. Sam just stood back, relaxed, hoping Simmons was not THAT obsessed.
Jack grabbed the nearest soldier he could find and asked "Where is Lieutenant Simmons?" his eyes wild.
"Not here sir, he went home sick with food poisoning. He's on standown sir." the soldier replied calmly, not knowing what the answer would entail for Jack and his manhood.
Well that was just peachy. "Uh, Carter, we WERE joking when we made that bet right?" Jack asked, hopeful.
"Oh? I thought we were serious, in fact, I have already pictured in my mind on what your colouring is, and how you would look in purple eye shadow, though it would clash with the dress." Sam said with a smirk.
"Oh shit!" Jack swore.
"Now, now, sir, dresses aren't that bad, they give freedom to your legs." Sam said sweetly. "Speaking of your legs, we'll need to shave them, we don't want the chiefs to be turned off by hairy legs." Sam continued.
"WHAT?! That'll be even worse than when Teal'c tried to shave my head!" Jack exclaimed, shocked. His chocolate brown eyes were becoming dilated. Teal'c just looked on curiously.
"Uh, guys, sorry if I sound completely stupid, but what is this all about?" Daniel asked.
"That's exactly what I would want to know. Colonel, Major, What in sand hill is going on here?!" General Hammond arrived just in time to hear the end of the conversation.
When Sam and Jack didn't answer, the General turned to Teal'c, because Daniel, as usual, was clueless. "Teal'c?" Hammond asked. "I do not know, General, I prefer not to listen into other people's conversations." Teal'c said, one of his eyebrows quirked up.
"Well? Someone answer me!" General demanded, getting impatient.
"Well, sir, in a fit of boredom, we, um, made a bet, or actually, the Colonel suggested it." Sam stuttered. The General looked at Sam in astonishment. Sam would never be nervous over something like that unless....
"OK, out with it. I want to know why two of my best officers are nervous and scared over a little bet." Hammond stated.
"Well, sir, we made a bet that if, um, Lieutenant Simmons was in the gateroom waiting for me.." Sam paused, taking a breath. She turned red. "I would have to wear that traditional blue dress to Simarka for the wedding. If Lieutenant Simmons wasn't here in the gate room, the Colonel himself would have to dress in drag in the blue dress." she finished.
The General had always known that Sam and Jack were attracted to each other and Simmons was just the tip of the iceberg. "So... what colour lipstick do you have in mind?" the General asked, trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.
"GENERAL?! You are going to let her dress me up in.. in drag?" Jack asked forlornly.
"Well, son, a bet is a bet." the General answered, thinking this will help get revenge for the whole base. After all, how many times had Jack made Hammond explain unexplainable things to the President? His reports were so illegible that the General had a hard time understanding them. Also, this might give a chance for Jack to make his move on Sam.
"But, but...." Jack tried to protest, though he was fighting a losing the battle. Sam took Jack by the collar and dragged him to the infirmary. She was going to need some help from Janet. "Sir, I think we should start with a facial, you have the most shocking dry skin!" Sam said as they proceeded to the infirmary. Jack just stared into space in shock.
Meanwhile though, the General was laughing his head off, something he unusually does.
Daniel just looked confused and said "What happened??"
Teal'c just stood back and looked perplexed, he never knew the Tau'ri were so weird. After all, these were the people whom he was trusting his life and his families with. He just hoped whatever disease they had this time, that Doctor Fraiser would be able to cure it.
*** Infirmary ***
Meanwhile, Janet was far from discovering the cure for the "disease", in fact, she caught it, and was having a fun time doing so.
"Janet, do we have to necessary equipment to handle this situation?" Sam asked not quite seriously.
Janet just pulled out a bag, inside was a women's (and drag queens') paradise. There were enough facial cosmetics to supply a movie studio for a month!
"Doc, what were you doing with all this?" Sam asked, surprised, picking up a bottle of moisturizer.
"Well, do you know how dirty some SG teams become when they come back from other worlds? Some women need so much face washer that they come to me, begging for some of the soap that we use to disinfect our hands with. So, I put together packs of cleansers that I give out to some of the women, depending on the degree of dirt they need to wash off." Janet answered, taking a look at Jack's face, and deciding he needed the heavy-duty stuff. "I also have other bags, such as normal makeup, evening makeup, heck, I even have Halloween makeup!" Janet continued, digging around for some exfoliators.
"OK sir, lie back on the operating table while I just put this towel around you...." Sam said, as she helped Jack, who was still in a state of shock, onto the table. With this, Janet and Sam began working on the Colonel for an hour....
*** General Hammond's Office ***
Dr Jackson, do you think the people on Simarka will allow Colonel O'Neill to dress in drag?" Hammond asked, after explaining everything to Daniel. He may have been an excellent archaeologist, but boy could he be slow and unobservant when he's away from his precious artifacts!
"Well, General, I have no idea, maybe we should send someone to warn, I mean tell them that they will be having a drag queen as one of their guests." Daniel suggested.
"OK, you and Teal'c get ready. I'll tell control to start dialing." the General said, and with that, he left the room.
"But, uh, I wasn't..." Daniel tried to object, but found he was standing alone with Teal'c. "OK, is it just me, or have I been transported to a world where everyone is acting like they're on Prozac?" Daniel exclaimed, referring to the anti-depressant drug. "What is Prozac?" Teal'c asked, puzzled.
*** An hour later in the Doc's Office ***
"Wow! I've never felt my skin so smooth! Gee, you think I could give me the name of the product? I want to buy some more!" Jack said, sounding like a teenage girl.
"Umm.. sir? Are you OK?" Sam asked, a bit nervous, thinking he must be joking. Right?
"Sure, fine, it doesn't really matter that I'm a MAN and a soldier!" Jack answered sarcastically, "By the way, since we're on such CLOSE terms with each other now, please call me Jack, and I'll call you Sam." Jack continued.
Sam breathed a sigh of relief. At least he was reverting back to his sarcasm now, after going through a stage of shock. "OK sir, I mean Jack, we're now shaving your legs......" she said calmly and soothingly, hoping that he wouldn't revert back to shock again. It didn't work.
*** In the Gate room ***
Daniel and Teal'c arrived back in the gate room as the blue energy from the Star Gate dissipated.
"Well, son, how did they take it?" the General asked, as soon as Daniel was settled.
"Actually, General they handled it quite well. In fact, it's one of their customs to play jokes on each other by dressing in drag and tricking them into buying them. By the way, when they heard that Colonel O'Neill was the one who was supposed to drag, they thoughtfully gave us another dress that is larger, in case Captain Carter's one was too small." Daniel replied, pushing his glasses higher onto the bridge on his nose.
"So we're all set, now all we need are the people. I think I'll go get my suit ready. You should give that to Doctor Fraiser when you pass the Infirmary. Dismissed." General Hammond said, thinking that most of the female officers would be tempted to risk a court marshal for 5 minutes alone with the Doctor, once they got a look at him in a suit.
Daniel just went back to his quarters, and on the way handed the dress to the Doc.
Teal'c sat for a moment, thinking he must get those codes ready for Chulak, the Tau'ri were getting stranger and stranger.......
*** Back in the Doc's office where screams have been periodically heard from by passing officers. ***
"Owwwwwww!" Jack wailed.
"I'm sorry Jack, your leg hairs were hard to remove, so now we're waxing them." Sam informed him, before once again ripping the wax strips from his legs, taking a substantial amount of hair with it.
"But Special Ops didn't train us for this kind of torture! Maybe we could use this on the System Lords to get information if we catch them." Jack said sarcastically, rubbing his legs where the wax had just been.
Sam just made a disgusted face when she thought of waxing those slugs. "Well, sir, we're just about done all we need to do now is put the makeup on, after the dress." she said, throwing rest of the used strips into the bin.
"Have you considered the thought that the dress might NOT fit me? Ha! I get out of it!" Jack said happily, with a giant smirk.
"Not too fast Colonel, you're not getting out of it that easily." Janet said as she walked into the room, carrying the dress.
"Oh, for crying out loud.." Jack started to say.
"You didn't think we would just let you go with just a facial, did you?" Sam asked warningly.
"Well,..." Jack said. As Sam took out the dress, which was the same design as hers, Jack started to inch away, slowly.
Janet caught Jack with surprising strength and pushed him back to Sam, where she handed him the dress. "Now go behind that curtain and get dressed, or do you want both of us to dress for you?" Sam said, pushing him towards the white curtain.
Jack did what he was told, though he would have rather liked having Sam dress for him....
"So what do you his colouring is? I thought blue, to suit the dress." Janet said, keeping an eye out for any sign of escape.
"Well, I think brown to suit his brown eyes and skin." Sam said, thinking about those chocolate brown eyes and how they would make her melt. And that strong tanned body.....
"Good idea. I never noticed it before." Janet replied, and started to take out the brown makeup.
Jack appeared from behind the curtain, dress and shoes and all. Janet raised her eyebrows and Sam wolf whistled.
"Hate to tell you this sir, but I'm actually jealous. You look very pretty, and you don't even have the makeup on yet. A lot of chieftains will be challenging each other for your attention!" Carter said teasingly.
"No giggling. Let's just get this over and done with. I DON'T want to remember this part of the wedding." he shot back.
With this, both women started to put makeup on him.
*** Doctor Jackson's room ***
"I really hate doing this type of stuff." Daniel said, talking to himself while he was trying to do up his tie, which had little mummies all over it, and also adjusting the stiff collar of his shirt at the same time. It was not an easy job. When he decided he needed help, he called out to two female officers who were passing by his room. He recognized them as Senior Master Sergeant Louise Halliwell and First Lieutenant Jennifer Jade and knew they were friendly and willing to help, they were both in SG-9.
"Lou, Jen! Could you help me with this tie?" Daniel called out. Both officers seemed to be startled and pleased by this invitation, and both had different reactions. Lou just stood there, frozen on the spot with her mouth open, her brandy brown eyes staring at him, while Jennifer rushed over with her dark hair swinging to help him.
"Doctor Jackson! Here, let me help you do this tie. So what's happening with Colonel O'Neill, Captain Carter and Doctor Fraiser? The Infirmary is off bounds unless there's an emergency." Jennifer said, as she did up his tie.
"Thanks, well, for helping me, I'll tell you what happened. We were on P3X417....." Daniel started to say, and both Jennifer and Louise (who had recovered) moved in closer to listen.
***Back to the Infirmary***
"Oh man, why do you women wear makeup for? It's so, so, yuck." Jack said, disgusted by the layers of makeup.
"Captain Carter, is he always this illiterate? Anyway, to answer your question, we wear makeup to enhance our natural features, and well, since you don't thankfully have any feminine features, we had to apply triple the makeup. That's why it feels weird." Janet explained.
"Weird doesn't even come into it." he muttered.
"What was that Colonel?" Janet asked.
"Oh, um, nothing. Just said beard sore, really must rub it." Jack tried to cover up.
"I've got a few things to get ready for, you should too, Captain." Janet said, and promptly left the room.
"Colonel, are you OK? You seem to be talking very strangely lately, for one thing you don't even have a beard. Maybe we should do a CAT scan on you for Gou'ald....."
"I do not have one of those slugs in me. To answer your question, I am notOK, take a look at me, a full grown male soldier in a blue dress with tastefully chosen makeup, what in the hell do you expect?" Jack practically yelled.
Sam, surprised by this outburst, just stared at him.
"What? Like what you see? Never knew you were that type of woman." Jack said teasingly.
"No, I like men, just not the right ones..." Sam said, stammering and hating herself and Jack for revealing that kind of personal information.
"Well, I might be the one to change that for you..." Jack spoke softly, not really knowing what he was saying.
Sam also didn't understand this, but felt her face flush, and vowed to follow through with the bet. "I have to go change now, but sit here and be a good boy and I'll come straight back. If you ruin your makeup in any way, I'll wax your UNDERARMhair...." she warned, and walked out of the room.
Jack paled at this and sat still as a stone.
*** Dr Jackson's room ***
"Oh, so that was what it was all about..." Jennifer said, and started laughing.
"Say, do you guys have a camera?" Daniel asked.
"Actually, I, I do." Louise stammered her face going red.
"Good, you should get as many pictures as you can. I want to torture Jack for all the pain he put me through." Daniel said, with an evil glint in his eye.
"Anyway, we should really get back, to do, uh, routine work. See you around." Jennifer said, and dragged a very happy Louise out of the room.
"Thanks!" Daniel said gratefully, knowing that while Lou and Jen were really nice, they also were big gossips. The news that Jack was going drag would spread like wildfire through the SGC, and there would be a big crowd at the Gate when they would leave. That thought brought a smile on his face.
*** Infirmary ***
"What is taking Carter so long?" Jack said out loud.
"This is what is taking Carter so long..." Sam said as she stepped into the Infirmary.
Jack stared at her. She was dressed in a blue dress that clung to her curves, that ended up above the knees. It was low cut in the front and was mostly backless. In her hair were sapphire clips that glinted in the light. He now knew what was under those fatigues! He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.
"What?" Sam said, though she knew what he was thinking. "You can't let those chieftains see the way you're staring at me, they'll find it very strange." she tried to joke.
For a moment, they just looked into each others eyes. Sam looked away first.
"Jack, I think we should get going now. Oh wait a minute, forgot these." She began scrunching up balls of paper.
"Carter, am I thinking what I think you're doing? No... arghh!" Jack yelled as balls of paper were pushed down the front of his dress.
"Jack, you wouldn't want this to be unauthentic, do you?" Sam said as she finished.
"Carter, do I look if I *care* if it's authentic or not??" he demanded, pointing to his face. "For crying out loud, I don't have the organs to even be like the proverbial female!" he exclaimed.
And it's a good thing you don't...Sam thought. She pushed that thought away and completely ignored his protests. "We should make up a nickname for you. What do you say about, Jacqueline?" she suggested.
That calmed Jack down considerably. "Good name. You lead the way, I don't want any officers seeing me." Jack answered, and Sam began walking out of the Infirmary with Jack in tow. Wow, those legs are great!Jack thought.
There was no chance on any officer NOT seeing Jack. True to Daniel's word, Lou and Jen had spread the news. Only a few officers were left in the hall and they all stared at Jack, or Jacqueline.
"Oh man, tell me why I did this again?" Jack moaned.
"Well, we were on P3X417, and.."
"Carter that was a rhetorical question." he said, annoyed.
"I know, and that's the reaction I wanted to get from you." she said evilly.
"You should save some of that wickedness for Maybourne and Kinsey next time you see them." Jacqueline retorted.
Sam never got to retaliate because they reached the Gate Room. A crowd was waiting for them. There were cameras flashing as they walked in.
"Okay, who spilt the beans?" Jack growled. He turned to the closest officer standing near him. "How did you know I was going drag?" he asked.
"J-Jennifer an-nd Louise from SG9 t-told me." the officer answered, obviously intimidated by Jack, despite him being in a dress.
The Colonel walked over to where Louise, who had a camera, and Jennifer were standing. "How did you both find out I was to be in drag?" he asked menacingly.
"Um.. Dr. Jackson told us." Jennifer replied helpfully.
He walked away and started to stalk towards Daniel. "Wait till I get my hands on you..." But he never got a chance to carry out with his threat, because the StarGate was activated and everyone was starting to go through.
"Looking good, son." the General commented as he stepped through the Gate.
"I do not understand the purpose of this, drag." Teal'c said as he too went through the Gate.
"C'mon Jack, lighten up." Daniel said, and was rewarded with a glare from the Colonel.
Daniel, Sam, and Jack moved through the event horizon at the same time.
After the kaleidoscope of stars and colors, they found themselves standing on soft earth. "Well, everybody, we're here." Jack said, as he looked around at the familiar surroundings.
"Greetings, people of the Tau'ri, my son and I are honoured for your presence here for this joyous occasion." the Chieftain said.
"No, no, the pleasure is all ours." the General said.
"Come, follow me." the Chieftain said, and he and his son Apu led them to the village.
"Good to see the women so liberated isn't it?" Sam commented as they arrived, seeing the women all without veils and doing their own thing.
The wedding ceremony was performed, in which many villagers hit on Jacqueline, but 'she' somehow managed to avoid them. Rumours have been heard that 'she' threatened to chop off various body parts of the suitors.
Nighttime soon came round, and that meant celebration. That meant all the people who were invited came together to eat and dance. Unfortunately, Jacqueline found 'herself' sitting next to Turgan, the Chieftain Sam fought during their last trip here.
"Greetings, offworlder, have I seen you before?" he said interestedly.
"Umm..no.." Jacqueline replied, trying to find a way out and trying to pitch 'her' voice to female level.
"Well, you certainly are very pretty. How much are you?" he said.
"I thought women had their freedom." 'she' said, getting nervous.
" For the others, yes, but not for me, the mighty Turgan. Not until after the wedding. So by then, I get all the women I choose." he said, leering at 'her.'
Thankfully, Samantha came in time to rescue Jacqueline.
"Sorry, Chieftain, 'she's' already been sold." she said, not the least sorry. Steering Jack away, she said, "The person who bought you told me to bring you to this tent." pointing to a tent about 1 metre away from her.
"OK, you can stop the charades now, he can't see us." Jack said, fear creeping into his voice.
"Oh no sir, it's real. Even the General approved it, though he was in a slightly drunken state." Sam said, enjoying the variety of emotions on Jack's face.
Sam pushed Jack into the tent and went away.
Jack just sat on a cushion, panicking. What should I do? I mean, if I keep wearing this dress, the buyer will come in here and after a few moments will discover I'm male. Looks like I'll have to get out of this dress and makeup, and explain things.Looking around, to his surprise, he found male clothes and some tissues. Must be someone else's. Too bad.He shrugged. Within moments, he was out of that stifling dress, and all the makeup gone. I wonder how women manage to keep that stuff on. I don't want to know.He shuddered. Just then, he heard a rustling. Someone was entering the tent. Time for explanations.
Jack stood up, ready to start a long spiel when he noticed who was at the entrance.
SAM.
"Where's the buyer?" Jack asked.
"Right here." she answered, and moved on closer to him.
"Look, Sam, I've been wanting to tell you something for quite a time now..." he started to say.
He was silenced with a kiss from his Captain.
He responded in kind, and they shared the most passionate kiss either has ever felt. When they came up for air, she asked him, "Do you want to remember *this* part of the wedding?"
Jack smiled, remembering "Oh most definitely." he murmured, as he moved in for another kiss.
It was a good thing that Janet told me about Simmons' food poisoning before we left.....Sam thought before giving her full attention to the kiss.
THE END... or is it? You decide if you want a sequel or not......
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Jenny
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