Choices
by Meloko
TITLE: Choices
AUTHOR: Meloko
EMAIL: faithz_angel@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: POV, Thoughts
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: Divide and Conquer and Children of the Gods
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4
RATING: G
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: Jack makes a choice.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Random thoughts. Boredom struck, and I felt like writing anything.
I couldn't help it, I couldn't let her be hurt again, or maybe it was me I was protecting? Our feelings were out, our emotions high and I just walked away. Sure we had agreed that we were both ok just going on as usual. Not that my life was ever usual, each planet brought us new experiences and dangers.... how can you not feel close after that?
Friendship, that was all I was allowed to have with her. Her...the golden maiden...it sounds ridiculous, as she hardly fits the stereotypical woman, maybe that was what I had fallen in love with. At first it had been the instant attraction, the type any sane guy would have after seeing her. Though my attitude towards her had hardly been kind. I was just so surprised by the supposed he, being a beautiful she and then of course the word scientist. I had hardly had the greatest experience with them. Most of them at that point had seen, snooty with their high IQ's and ability. Only she ever took time to explain what the terms meant.
She, it was her that loved me back. Her that had helped me through the bad times over the past four years but it was her that I couldn't have. We both knew I our first glance alone with one another after the whole Zatarc incident neither one of us would leave the team. I couldn't leave the military, and I knew how much she loved the job. This had been her dream.... and mine.
Am I being selfish? I could let us be together, I would only have to sign one bit of paper. Give us one thing. You had to make sacrifices for love. I wanted to make it, I really do want to be with her but...this is my goal, to work at the SGC.
Though if I can't give up my job for her, is it really love I'm feeling? Is it just the loneliness I feel every night when I come home to an empty apartment. The need to have someone there, and she's the only one I'm close to. Am I confusing a deep friendship with love?
Or do I just long for the connection I once had with Sara, am I just trying to recreate that with her? To get back all I lost, to have a child to replace the place Charlie still has in my heart? The broken emotions, the guilt...
Do I even deserve that kind of love anymore? Do you only get once chance at it? If you muck it up, you've lost it forever. I once said I'd love Sara forever, but I broke that. I left her, to get over the grieve, to face to alone. I was responsible for my son dying and I left my wife, my love to get through it by herself. What kind of man am I?
I said I loved a woman today, an emotion I had been hiding for years, a feeling that had been growing inside me. She reciprocated my love.
Yet I am still alone, I am here in my one bed apartment watching hockey and drinking beer. I am a bachelor who yearns for affection but at the first sign does nothing.
I can't help wondering, what will happen when I really retire/ what will I have then? Nothing, all because I can't give it up just yet. That the choice I've made and I am just going to have to live with it.
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