Broken
Broken
by glittervixen
Summary: Sam begs Jack for help when she realises the constraints of their relationship
Category: Angst
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: FAM
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was created for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 09/19/05
Dear Jack,
This is borne of a sheer lack of courage and the inability to do what is needed, and the hope that you can. I get the feeling that for those very reasons I will never let you see this, but I need to get these things down on paper, and at least fool myself that I will tell you, that I will fix this.
Since I met you for the first time in the briefing room, I have changed, and there are aspects of that transformation I don't like. I was very much an individual who relied on herself, trusted no-one. I didn't need to make connections with anybody. I stood on my own two feet.
Then I saw you. My focus changed. My life is now lived around you. You define when I eat and sleep. You're there for my triumphs, you're there for my falls. You pick me up and put me down. I've begun to take you for granted, like you are my second skin.
The result for me is a completely dependant existence, I would not function without you there. My focus on you has closed down my world. I am not me anymore, I am Sam and Jack. People assume we are together when they see us, because we are. We're inseparable. We're not breaking any regulations with a physical relationship but we are living as a couple nevertheless. You are my world Jack. You are my everything. I cannot breathe without you there. I don't fight the outside world because you do it for me. You are my security and my warmth and my hope. You're killing me. I'm dying because I can't have more.
And yet I cannot break free. I'm addicted to you. I love you. I can't have you. It's not in the room anymore Jack, it broke out long ago. We steal glances, we smile and we hope, but it can never happen. We would destroy everything, our careers, our team, each other. And yet I cannot break off this `relationship' that we're in, I can't cut myself off. You're like a drug Jack, and I'm your addict. I've reasoned out my course of action to fix this, I've even got as far as your doorstep and your office door, and then I see you, and the high kicks in, and I'm too weak and pathetic to go any further. I see you, and logic and reason is swept aside for just one of your smiles, for a little contact, for a little acknowledgement. Is it the same for you? Do I make you feel this way?
I can't do this anymore Jack. I can't keep living in this fantasy world I've built up for myself, where the belief and the hope that one day we will make it is the only reason for my continued existence. I need you to break me Jack, I need you to push me away. Please. I need you to walk away from me, because I can't do it. I need you to knock me down and leave me there. For once I need you not to pick me back up.
Can you do this for me Jack? Can you be the strong one, and walk away? I think you could. If you feel about me the way the same way I feel about you, then you will do it for me. I think you know how much we're hurting each other, and I think you know we'll both let it continue, just to be near each other. I know you would walk away to make it better for me if I asked you to.
And that's exactly why you'll never get this letter.
Sam x
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