Shattered Dreams
by L.E. McMurray and Stonedtoad
TITLE: Shattered Dreams
AUTHOR: L.E. McMurray and Stonedtoad
EMAIL: louiseellen@mcmurrayc.fsnet.co.uk or leapfrogjb@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Angst Hurt/Comfort
PAIRING: Daniel/Sha're
SPOILERS: Stargate:The Movie/Need/Legacy/Forever In A Day/The Devil You Know/Enemies
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 5
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: Torture. Language. This is a pretty dark fic.
SUMMARY: Daniel is recovering at Jack's after being rescued from Apophis but is his torture really over?
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the first joint fic we've ever done (and toad's first fic ever) so please send feedback. Hope you enjoy it.
I am still really sore. I knew that I was practically one big bruise after our recent mission. The only reason Janet let me out of the infirmary was that Jack promised I would stay with him and not move from his couch. Not that I could, I barely made it to the couch.
After the past week of recovering I have only one thing I want to scream. BASTARD.
Apophis, how did he keep doing it? How did he survive the crash that we were almost completely sure had finally killed him?
The planet we'd visited was nice and peaceful. Beautiful scenery, lots for me to look at and work on. Okay, Jack was bored to tears but he and Sam started playing cards, Teal'c is banned from playing after he managed to beat them both for six straight hours, and things were fine.
Then I was grabbed and after that my memory is hazy at best. All I know for sure is it hurt.
When I saw Apophis standing over me with that superior, smug look on his face I just wanted to scream. This was the creature that had taken my world away from me and was still alive while my love, my soul was gone.
He used her against me, I don't remember how but I have a vague memory of thinking I was talking to her. The one and only thing I know for sure is I managed NOT to give anything away. I know this because I held onto the fact Sha're would never demand me to betray my friends. She ordered me to forgive Teal'c for killing her for crying out loud; she would NEVER want me to get them killed.
I feel so confused. I don't know which of my memories are real and which ones that scum sucking snakehead, to borrow Jack's phrase, put in there.
Jack keeps trying to get me to talk to him about it. I don't think he realises I can't. I can't talk about it cause I don't know what is real.
It suddenly occurred to me that maybe this wasn't real either but I managed to push that idea away. It was real, their rescue.
Sometimes I just feel that maybe I should quit SG1 and work on the base so I never put my team in danger. That's probably the smartest idea I've had in years. The smartest was staying on Abydos after my stunning screw-up of almost getting everyone killed cause I lied about being able to get the team home.
Home.
It took all of three seconds for Abydos to become my home but it's the home I'll never return to. Earth is where I live now but it can never be home.
"Dan'iel, you must tell Apophis what he wants," Sha're whispered, "He will kill me if you do not."
"No," I whispered anguished, "You can't be real. This can't be real."
"Dan'iel please," she cried before screaming as Apophis pierced her heart with the knife.
I woke up with a start covered in cold sweat. I shuddered from my dream feeling tears sting my eyes.
"It wasn't real," I told myself, "That's not what happened."
But no matter how often I told myself it I couldn't lose the image.
"Daniel?" Jack's concerned voice sounded in the dark room, "You okay?"
"I'm fine," I told him trying to keep my voice as steady as possible despite my whole body shaking, "I'm just fine."
"Sure," Jack replied, his voice telling me he didn't believe one word of it, "You should go back to sleep. Janet'll kill me if she thinks I'm not taking proper care of you."
I smile slightly, "Sure Jack."
"Night Daniel."
"Night," I call back curling back under the blankets closing my eyes.
But no matter how much I tried sleep didn't come because all I could see was Sha're standing with a knife in her heart.
I frowned as I watched him try to sleep. Dammit Daniel, don't you think I know how hard things are for you? I was there remember? Seeing that bastard laugh as you screamed for your wife, but you beat him Daniel, you didn't give in. I hope you will give me the chance to talk to you, to help you, but I'm not sure I can, talking never was one of my strengths, you'll have to help me Danny, we can get through this together, just another crisis between friends.
As Daniel tossed and turned in the next room I couldn't stop myself thinking back to when we first met, how I'd been so rude, playing the tough Colonel role to intimidate, so I wouldn't have to talk, to focus on anything other than the mission. And you saw me for what I was, a man on the edge, with nothing to live for but a wish to go out in a blaze of glory. And you made me look around, for the first time in I don't know how long, and realise I wasn't alone, and that I still had friends, Sarah, people I could help. People we could help together. And we did, we beat Ra, and you sacrificed yourself for the people of Abydos, not for the last time.
I breathed a sigh of relief as Daniel settled at last, although I was sure that he would be awake again before long, I recognised myself in him, back in the days after Iraq. I had Sarah then, to hold me when I woke up screaming, to comfort me from the nightmares that wouldn't let me go, to bring me home night after night when I got trapped in the memories. I could never talk to Sarah about my nightmares; I could see the hurt in her eyes as she fought to help me but I couldn't let go, still can't. My fear now is that Daniel won't be able to trust me, won't want to admit to himself the level of hurt he bears let alone me, but he has to. In my daily check in with Doc Fraiser Janet reminded me that he still doesn't remember all of what was done to him.
"Jack, you have to help him to start talking about it, I'm sure I don't need to remind you that he should be talking to Dr Mackenzie, but for some reason he chose you to help him, don't let him off dealing with things. I can't let him back on even light duties until he goes through a psyche evaluation this time, and as I'm sure you know, sooner is better, he needs to remember everything and he may not want to. It may come back in flashes or he may even hallucinate. We don't know the effects of the drugs that were in his system, but I don't need to remind you about the after-effects of the "Blood of Sokar".
She was right, she didn't, the memories that were so real it felt like you were there, and the implications of the memories in each of us. It wasn't easy to let go of the memory; even knowing it was false. If Apophis had given Daniel some more of the drug he would have given him a far larger dose this time... if only I could start him talking.
"Dan'iel, you must tell Apophis what he wants," Sha're whispered, "He will kill me if you do not."
"No," I whispered anguished, "You can't be real. This can't be real."
"Dan'iel please," she cried before screaming as Apophis pierced her heart with the knife.
"I can save her, Daniel Jackson"
"Apophis, help her, save her please"
"I will save her if you kill O'Neill"
"No, I can't, I won't"
"Then I will restore her so you can watch her die again"
As I woke up screaming I knew that he had, Apophis had made me watch as he revived Sha're again and again, only to kill her again each time, a single stab to her chest because I would not kill my friend, he had made me choose between my wife and my best friend.
"Daniel?"
I looked around, confused and disorientated, why wasn't I in the throne room still? And then I remembered, I was at Jack's house, safe with my friend. And my wife was dead, all because I wouldn't kill.
"I'm fine Jack, go back to sleep."
I heard Jack say something then walk quietly away. I felt suddenly sick to my stomach as I realised that I had made the wrong choice, a friend for the life of the woman that I loved more than life.
Anger burned within me as I tried to sleep. I couldn't move yet, I needed time to gather my strength.
I'm sorry my Sha're, I won't fail you this time.
****
Sunlight spilled through the curtains the brightness slicing through me. I curled away from it hoping maybe I could get back to sleep again.
A distinctive smell made it's way to me. Coffee. I turned round wincing in the sunlight seeing a mug of hot steaming coffee sitting next to me.
"Thanks Jack," I murmured as I lifted the mug to my nose taking in a deep breath savouring the aroma.
Janet refused to let me near any coffee while I was in the infirmary. I could smell Jack's as he sat beside me but any time I tried to get some Janet would appear and that chance would disappear like ice in boiling water.
I felt strange. I knew I had dreamed last night but I couldn't really remember what it was.
"Good afternoon," Jack greeted me as he walked into the living room.
"Afternoon?" I asked, surely I hadn't slept that long.
"Well, it will be in about three minutes," he replied dropping down onto the chair across from me, "How you feeling?"
I shrugged then winced as my muscles screamed at me.
"That good huh," Jack said, "You were having some pretty intense dreams last night. Feel like telling me what you were dreaming?"
Subtle as a truck Jack, I thought as he looked at me concern in his eyes.
"I don't remember," I told him truthfully, "Just your standard run of the mill bad dreams that disappear in the tranquil morning light," I quoted a magazine I had read once.
Jack gave me a look that said he wasn't sure if he believed me.
"Daniel," he said softly, "For you there's no such thing as standard bad dreams."
"Jack," I declared sharply, "I don't remember what I was dreaming. Why is that a bad thing?"
He frowned, "It's not Daniel. But not being able to remember what happened last week is."
Only concern was in his eyes but I didn't see it. All I saw was he was pushing me into remembering something that had left me in the infirmary for over a week and unable to move without help.
"I don't remember," I told him, "And I don't want to."
I dozed away most of the afternoon to be woken by a sharp knock on the door.
"Finally," Jack yelled as he answered the door.
Curiosity filled me and I hoped it wasn't Janet. She had been pushing for me to see Mackenzie, one thing I wasn't doing. The last time I talked to the man they locked me in that padded cell, leaving me to deal with the thought I was going mad.
But thankfully it was Sam and Teal'c.
"Hey," Sam grinned bouncing in, "How's the patient?"
"Bored," I replied.
"And irritable," Jack threw in as he brought in coffee for everyone.
"That is nothing out of the ordinary," Teal'c mentioned getting three amazed looks.
"I hate being unable to move," I told Sam, "And I hate not being able to work."
"Janet's orders," Sam told him, "Besides, you should relax for a while. I brought you some cookies," she smiled at me, "I thought you could use some cheering up."
"Thanks Sam," I smiled slightly.
As we sat talking I felt a shiver run through me.
This was wrong.
This was completely wrong.
I shouldn't be here. I should be on Abydos with my wife. Sha're should be sitting with me, teasing me, loving me but she wasn't cause I didn't let her live.
Because I choose Jack.
"Daniel?" I looked up confused into Sam's concerned eyes.
"You okay Daniel? You seemed miles away. Want to talk about things?"
Talking, back to the pity and the talking, well I wasn't going to play this game.
"I'm fine, just tired still. Jack must have mentioned that I haven't been sleeping well."
Okay that hit a nerve; Sam was defiantly fidgeting now, trying to show concern without being too pushy. "I'm okay Sam, just give me a bit of time." That seemed to work as shortly after they decided to head back to the base leaving me to Jack's care once more.
"Hey Daniel, what do you fancy eating?" Jack again, but this was my chance for some time alone if I could get him out of the house.
"How about fish Jack? I don't mind if you go fishing," I said hopefully. No such luck.
"So eager to get rid of me Danny?" said Jack with his best puppy dog face on. "We'll compromise, I'll go buy fish and we can grill it outside tonight."
"Okay Jack, I just need a little breathing room."
"I know you do Danny, I know you do."
****
I woke up sweating, voices in my ears but too quiet to hear. There was something I had to do; this was the most important thing to remember. I needed some sort of weapon but I wasn't sure why, but I started searching anyway. Where would Jack keep a gun in the house? Then I realised- he probably wouldn't, certainly nowhere that could be found, not after Charlie... I realised that the word Jack seemed to be echoing through my head but I couldn't tell why. I started as I realised I was still defenceless, must find a weapon, a stick anything- Jack wouldn't have a baseball bat but he did have a hockey stick, that would do, now all I had to do was wait.
The voices in my head seemed louder again but I still couldn't make out any words. I was sweating as I crouched hiding. I heard the car drive up and realised that this was what I had to do, I heard the keys in the door, saw the figure walk through and then I attacked, with the stick, with my fists and legs, hitting, kicking and punching because this was right, this was what I had to do, I knew now. My final thought before I collapsed exhausted was of Sha're smiling at me proudly.
Son Of A Bitch.
I walked into the house to find Janet lying on the floor with Daniel lying nearby.
"Janet?" I yelled checking her out. She was unconscious but didn't seem too bad whereas Daniel was unconscious holding my hockey stick tightly in his fist.
Oh God.
First thing first, I decided picking up the small form of our friendly MD and carrying her up to the spare room. I'd run into her outside, she was coming to see how he was so I'd got her to go in while I grabbed my shopping. After getting her comfortable I headed back and hauled Daniel up and back to the couch. This time I restrained him. He'd attacked Janet but I had a horrible feeling he'd thought it was me.
That idea made me nauseous but I pushed it aside as I went upstairs to check on Janet. She was starting to stir.
"What the hell?" she muttered pressing her hand against her head, "Jack?"
I stared at her feeling guilty, this was completely my fault.
"Daniel did it," I told her, "I think he thought he was hitting me."
"What?" she sat up swaying slightly giving me a grateful look as I gripped her arm to steady her, "Why would he attack you?"
"I don't know Doc," I sighed in annoyance, "But after I make sure you're in one piece I want to check him out."
Janet shook her head to clear it, "I'm okay. He just hit my head but other than that he was too weak to do any real damage."
I nodded and started to move stopped when she grabbed my arm, "This isn't your fault Jack. If it's anyone's fault it's Apophis."
That's when it hit me, "Dammit," I yelled, "That's it Janet. You are a genius."
"You lost me." "He thought it was Apophis," I shuddered, "He was screaming for Sha're earlier. The one person I know that Daniel would attack without a second thought is Apophis."
Janet sighed, "I came to give him a check-up I'll do that now."
We wandered down and thankfully saw Daniel lying on the couch where I'd left him. He was tossing uncomfortably.
"Daniel," I whispered kneeling down next to him, "Daniel, wake up. Come on wake up."
He shouted something in some language I couldn't understand before opening his eyes with a gasp of horror.
"Jack?" he looked at me in confusion.
"Yeah Daniel," I gripped his shoulder in comfort, "You're okay. You're at my house."
He stared at me his blue eyes narrow with suspicion, "Sha're?" he asked me.
An ice-cold feeling gripped me, "Daniel, she's dead. She died almost two years ago."
Tears filled his eyes and he turned away from me curling into the back of the couch. I looked up to Janet for help. She motioned me back out of the way and she took my place.
"Daniel," she gently touched his shoulder, "Daniel, look at me."
Never underestimate the power Janet Fraiser wields, despite being quite petite there isn't one person on that base who doesn't jump the moment she tells them. He turned in response to her order pain clouding his eyes.
"Daniel, tell me what year it is," she ordered.
"Ah," he looked confused as though he was working something out, "2001."
Janet frowned knowing he'd worked it out from what I'd said but she smiled at him, "That's right."
"I...I was dreaming about her," he explained quietly pain in his voice, "It got mixed up for a bit."
I could tell Janet believed him as much as I did. I would really love ten minutes with Apophis tied to a wall and a zat gun or maybe one of those pain-giver thing the Goulds use.
"Daniel," Janet smiled at him, "I want to see how you're doing. Okay?"
He looked reluctant but nodded.
I headed into the kitchen to start cooking dinner since that had been the original plan.
I hated this.
I hated seeing Daniel in such obvious pain.
God, Danny talk to me. All you need to do is let me help you. Let me be your friend. You've always let me in before so just talk to me cause otherwise I'm gonna lose you. Janet can take care of your body but your heart is still broken.
Sha're.
She is his only true weakness. She always was and always will be even so long after her death and that scum sucking snakehead knew that. Hearing Daniel scream for her always makes me wince. His pain is deep and I don't think anything's ever going to change that. I can understand it, I can. All he has to do is talk to me.
"Jack."
I jumped as Janet called my name.
"How is he?" I ask turning to see our diminutive Doctor.
She sighed, "Physically he's fine," she paused looking at me worriedly, "Jack, I'm seriously worried. He tried to attack you."
"He thought I was Apophis," I defended Daniel, "or you were Apophis. Janet you said yourself he'd hallucinate."
"That's not all," she continued, "Where the memory device was attached to him I just noticed something else."
Fear gripped me, "What?"
"I think Apophis is still drugging him," Janet told me, "There is something under the skin that I didn't see on my original examination. And it's slowly taking over. Jack I want to take him back to the base."
"No," I argued instantly, "He'll just disappear into himself. Here I can get him out. I've done it before I can do this time."
"I don't think so," Janet countered.
"Janet, he needs me," I told her firmly, "He needs to be somewhere he feels safe. He told me once he thought of here as a sanctuary. Do whatever you need to do to get rid of the drug but don't take him back to the infirmary. He hates it there."
Janet looked at me and I just stared back coolly. A battle of wills against her is something I very rarely win but this time I wasn't losing. I was keeping Daniel here were he was safe.
I'd failed.
Jack was fine and Sha're was still gone. I let Janet poke and prod me and ask me dumb questions before she left to talk to him. Closing my eyes I decided to go back to sleep, I was so exhausted.
"Dan'iel," Sha're smiled at me, "What are you doing?"
I smiled back, "I was just thinking about Jack."
She sat down nestling her way into my arms, "You miss O'Neill?"
I shook my head, "Not really. I'm just thinking about what happened."
"It is hard to believe you have only been here for a few days," she gently kissed me. Suddenly she frowned, "You would hurt him. You would hurt O'Neill," she cried.
"What?"
"Dan'iel you mustn't," her voice cried as she pulled away from me.
"Sha're?" I called.
I looked up to see Apophis standing stabbing her in the heart.
"Why did you not choose me?" she asked when she fell into my arms, "Why?"
"I'm sorry Colonel, not this time, I need him in to run some tests and get an MRI done to check that we aren't missing anything else. After that's all done, you can bring him back here, but not before."
Not the victory I'd hoped for, but to be honest I needed to know myself if there was another explanation behind Daniel's sudden attack on Janet. "Okay fine, but he's not staying on base a second longer than he has to."
"Agreed, do you want to come with him? If you drive I can keep an eye on him."
Like I'd let him go alone! "You get him ready, I'll fetch my coat and start the car then I'll give you a hand to get him moving."
It took a surprisingly long time to get Daniel to wake up enough to get into the car, he seemed disorientated but I managed to keep the worry off my face as between us we got him settled in the back seat with Janet in the front next to me.
As we set off I had a nagging feeling that something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I glanced across at Janet who was gazing out of the window, seemingly lost in thought since Daniel had drifted off to sleep again.
"My Dan'iel, now is your chance to save me."
"Sha're? What can I do?"
"The drugs next to you, they can kill as easy as any bullet can."
"Sha're, no, that can't be what you want, Jack is my friend"
"My love, it is your choice, you must choose, him or me"
As my eyes snapped open it took me a few seconds to get my bearings. Just as Sha're had told me, Janet's medical bag was on the seat next to me, and I was sitting right behind Jack. All I had to do was open the bag, load a syringe and the nightmares would be over, I would be reunited with my love, Apophis would leave us together, he had promised.
With a heavy heart and shaking hands I silently opened the bag and located a syringe and a couple of bottles. I couldn't be sure what they were in the darkness so I would have to mix the drugs to make sure that they finished Jack off, and I didn't want my friend to suffer unduly. I was doing this to save my wife, I had no other choice but dammit I wasn't going to enjoy it or gain any satisfaction.
As I withdrew the liquid from the bottles I asked silent prayers of forgiveness. I couldn't convince myself that this was the right thing to do, but I couldn't witness Sha're's torment any longer either.
With tears in my eyes, I grabbed Jack's shoulder and pushed the needle in, injecting the liquids as soon as the needle was in place, even as the car began to spin on the road.
"What the hell?"
I didn't have time to question what had happened before I started to lose control of the vehicle, my mind already beginning to lose focus. I blinked hard, trying to force my eyes to work as they should but they refused, my vision blurring and my hearing muffled. I was sure I had heard Janet scream but I couldn't check she was okay until I stopped the car, and right now that was taking more concentration than I would have believed possible. My final thoughts before the world turned dark were of utter disbelief, surely not Daniel?
Pain.
Pain exploded through my body as I felt the car slam into something.
Janet was screaming before suddenly becoming silent. I was flung against the seats hitting my head against something.
I pulled myself up and pushed open the door. The car had slammed into a tree and I could see the front had been caved in. I struggled to keep myself upright and went to see what had happened to the others. Janet was unconscious but she seemed to be okay thankfully. I staggered round and looked at Jack. His head was resting against the steering wheel and he was bleeding from a cut to his head. I started to check to see if he was still breathing when,
"Dan'iel."
I looked up confused hearing her voice.
"Dan'iel, come to me."
"Sha're?" I turned to see her standing amongst the trees watching me.
"Come to me my love," her voice called before she turned to walk away.
I'd done it. She was alive. Now all I had to do was get to her. Without a second thought I headed to where she had been. I could find her. I could.
Pain.
Pain shot through my head. My shoulder was numb and I could feel a gentle hand touching my head.
I jumped back as a sharp pain shot through me.
"Jack," Janet's cool voice called, "Jack, just stay still I'm trying to help you."
"Daniel?" I asked, terrified he'd been injured even worse than before.
"He's gone Jack."
"What?" I tried to move and felt Janet push me back down.
"Colonel, sit. Stay. You're not going to help him if you can barely move," she told me sharply, "Now let me help you."
I sighed and let the Doc check me out. My worry for my friend doubling with every passing second.
He'd been trying to get me. Not Apophis. Me.
Why Daniel? I thought in horror, what did that son of a bitch do to you that would make you attack me. I know you. I know you wouldn't hurt a living soul. What the hell is going on in that head of yours?
"Dan'iel."
I saw her standing there waiting for me, her hands reaching out towards me.
"Dan'iel, we can be together now," she called, "My love."
"Sha're," I called feeling joy sweep through me.
She was standing at the top of the mountain waiting for me. Her long black hair flowing in the wind, her smile joyful and sweet
I started towards her as fast as I could. My wife was alive. She was alive and I would never be alone again.
I was finding it harder to think straight, and despite the cold I was sweating.
"Jack, what happened? Do you remember?"
Okay, Janet, I could focus on Janet that was easy.
"My shoulder, I think Daniel stabbed me with something." I reached around to rub my aching arm and my hand came into contact with something stuck in the leather. Oh shit, not good. Janet didn't think so either when I showed her the needle.
"Oh my God Jack, we need to find out what was in that needle so I can give you an antidote if necessary."
"What was in your bag, cause he didn't get that at my house, I swear!" I tried to smile but I could tell from her face that she was too worried to even notice. "Janet, have a look in your bag, see what's missing, then we'll know what's up with me apart from this delightful headache!"
Okay, if she doesn't smile soon I'm going to start panicking, actually, might do that anyway. Don't want to worry Janet but whatever Daniel gave me is starting to take effect and thinking is way too hard, don't even want to think about moving... maybe later.
I could see my love on the hill before me, and I ran towards her as fast as I could, desperate to be with her once more. My ears were ringing but I shook that off as a result of the bang in the car, but now my eyes seemed to be playing tricks as well, Sha're seemed to flicker as I approached, and just as I reached where she stood, she vanished and I was left alone in the darkness.
"NO! Sha're come back to me" I cried, howling for my love but all that came back to me was the echo of my own voice, haunting in the darkness. Why had she left, where had she gone? And then I knew, as if waking from a nightmare only to find that the dream was real. She was dead, had been dead for two years, and Jack, my friend, my best friend who had never let me give up, was in danger because of me.
Then I heard the laughter in my head.
"You have done well Daniel Jackson," the voice of Apophis mocked me, "For a dream that can never be you have killed O'Neill for me. Enjoy your life foolish man. Enjoy his death."
I screamed in horror as it suddenly hit me what I'd done. I collapsed to the ground tears streaming down my cheeks.
I'd just betrayed not only Jack but I'd betrayed absolutely everything Sha're fought for.
This is fun.
Blackness with swirly lights around me. I'm pretty sure my eyes are closed though I wouldn't actually want to have to put money on it.
Janet.
I can hear her talking.
What's she saying? Sounds like bone. No, that can't be right. Phone. She's got her cell-phone.
Good.
Maybe we can get to the SGC and they can take this lump of cotton wool out of my head. Trying to focus on her voice. A nice, very calm professional voice, which is shaking with worry.
"Janet," I croaked.
"Yes Colonel?" I can feel her hand touch my forehead.
"Think people will get the wrong idea. Us out here in a car on a beautiful full moon and starlit night," I joked, "Might think something else is going on." She started to laugh.
Good, that's always a good sign. I can make her laugh things aren't so bad.
"So, how we doin'?" I asked managing to come back into normality, well what passes as normality in my life. I'll open my eyes in another few hours.
"I called the SGC," Janet said from behind me, "They're sending a truck to get us and Sam and Teal'c will find Daniel."
"You know when I get my hands on Apophis he is going to wish he'd stayed dead," I growled, "This is my fault."
"How is this your fault?" Janet asked me.
She sounded like she was rummaging through her bag and the back of the car.
"I should have kept a closer eye on him on the planet," I snapped, "If I hadn't let him wander off we could have stopped this."
"Okay Colonel," Janet sighed, "Get off the guilt trip. This was in not your fault."
I frowned, "Maybe not Doc," I told her, "So how come I feel so responsible?"
I pulled my knees up to my chest resting my chin on them. I feel so stupid. How could I have been so gullible? To believe that I could get her back after so long.
Maybe because I wanted to believe.
It's been so long since I'd had her with me, since I'd held her in my arms and just for that chance maybe I would do anything.
I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday. Seeing her lie there with a hole burned in her chest. I saw the light of the Gould die and there she was looking at me. Those beautiful eyes that I used to just gaze into for hours, which had always been filled with laughter and joy just staring at me filled with sadness.
I didn't even manage to tell her that I loved her. I didn't find my voice until it was too late.
Now I'd betrayed all that had kept me sane when I'd lost her. My best friend, the one person I'd always been able to count on no matter what and I'd killed him. I had to face them; I had no choice. I wasn't going to let Apophis win.
Painfully I pulled myself to my feet and started back to where I had left Janet and Jack. Oh God, Janet. Not only had I attacked my best friend but also someone else who cared for me and there aren't many of them about.
I had to get back and help her.
"Where is that damn truck?" Janet was losing her professional cool- not good in my book.
"Janet?"
"Colonel, thank goodness, I need you to stay awake for me, keep your eyes open."
"I feel really weird, what did he give me anyways?"
"A mixture of Insulin, Morphine and Hydralazene. Not a good mixture but it could have been worse."
I didn't want to think about that; I was feeling strange enough thank you.
"Colonel, I need you to tell me exactly how you feel and if you are hurt anywhere else from the crash.
The crash? Oh yes, I was in the car. "Daniel?"
"He ran off Jack, don't worry, we'll find him when the truck gets here. Now, how are you feeling?"
"Head hurts, dizzy, confused."
I got back to the jeep just as Janet started to talk to Jack about how he felt. Looking at the state of them both I couldn't help but recoil in horror, Janet was sporting a collection of bruises from earlier at Jacks house, and Jack didn't look at all good, blood down the side of his face from the impact with the tree, but that was likely the least of his worries.
"Janet, Jack, you guys okay?" Okay very lame but what else could I say.
"Daniel! Stay where I can see you." Okay, not the reception from Janet I'd hoped for but I can't blame her in the slightest.
"Daniel, you okay?" Jack, so quiet I almost missed it. He looked really bad.
"Oh my god, I am so sorry, it was Apophis, he programmed me, he did beat me Jack, he made me think I could be with Sha're again..." I was sobbing uncontrollably now, barely able to get the words out but he seemed to understand. Janet was looking less hostile too, although she was still far from welcoming.
"Daniel, talk later, be okay..."
"Colonel? Dammit Daniel, I need your help, we have to keep him awake, keep him talking if you can, if not, keep an eye on his breathing while I monitor his pulse.
"Jack, wake up, you've got to stay awake for me."
Nothing. He didn't move but somehow I could feel him still fighting and that gave me comfort. "Janet, what did I give him? What will it do?" I had to know; I had to know what damage I had done to my friend, whether I would lose him anyway.
Janet seemed to recognise the hopelessness in my eyes, but was brutally honest as ever.
"You gave him a mixture of three drugs; Insulin, Morphine and Hydralazene."
"I have to know Janet, what will that do to him?"
She looked up from the pad where she'd been writing Jack's vitals down.
"Insulin treats diabetes, it affects the body's ability to use sugar as I'm sure you know. Side effects of an overdose are faintness, sweating, headache, confusion and eventual loss of consciousness. Morphine you know, although an overdose could cause respiratory problems and loss of consciousness, and Hydralazene is used to treat high blood pressure, side effects of an overdose being headache, rapid pulse and dizziness."
She looked at me sadly. "I'm not going to lie to you Daniel, Jack is strong but add a head injury into the equation and I just don't know. We need to get him to the base immediately, but even that may not be enough this time, the combination of the three drugs is putting a huge strain on his internal system."
I was still sitting there numbly two minutes later when the truck finally arrived. It wasn't until they came to move Jack that I realised that I'd been holding his hand the whole time, and now I didn't want to let go.
"Daniel? You have to let him go now, let the medics help him." Sam, looking at me with such compassion in her eyes. She didn't know this was my fault, but I couldn't seem to say a word.
"Come on, we'll ride along behind so we can get you checked out while the doc is in with the colonel.
I let Sam pull me into the car and leaned against her numbly as we drove back to the SGC. Sam just wrapped an arm around me in comfort and every so often she said something to me but I didn't hear it. All I could think of was Jack.
The moment we got to the SGC I was dragged to the infirmary, given a check-up then a sedative. As I drifted into unconsciousness I could hear the monitor flat-line from the bed next to me.
Monitors beeping, harsh lighting, people talking in subdued whispers. Yep, ladies and gents we are once more in the infirmary. My least favourite part of this base; discounting of course the storage room where Daniel almost shot me once.
Daniel?
As I tried to move I felt a firm hand pushing me back down.
"Colonel, don't even think about moving," Janet's stern voice came through the fog that was in my head.
"Doc?" I croaked, "Is Daniel okay?"
"He's sleeping just now," she told me, "I had to give him a sedative to calm him down. He's completely distraught over what just happened."
"He gonna be okay?" I would've opened my eyes to check her expression if they were co-operating.
She gave a soft sigh, "Only time will tell Colonel. Whatever Apophis did to him almost killed you and he's not going to forgive himself for that."
Oh I really, really wanted to use some of those pain giver things on Apophis at that moment. The scum sucking snakehead used Sha're to hurt Daniel and that was unforgivable.
"You need to rest just now," she said, "Get better yourself then you can worry about Daniel."
I heard her move away and managed finally to prise open my eyes. Looking over I saw Daniel asleep in the bed next to me. At least they put him somewhere where I could keep and eye on him. He looks so young when he's asleep but he's mumbling to himself. I try to make out what he's saying not really surprised he's talking in Abydonian. He does it a lot if he's upset; he seems to revert to that language. Possibly waiting for the comfort only one person could give him then I hear it.
The phrase is something he says a lot and I discreetly asked Kasuf once what it meant. It twists my heart every time I hear it cause I know exactly what he's dreaming about.
It means, 'I have failed all I love'.
I was a good boy and went to sleep again following Doctor's orders for a change, hope Janet doesn't get too used to this! I woke up feeling a hell of a lot better.
"Hi there," Sam smiled down on me.
I turned and saw Teal'c looking down on me with a serious expression, boy am I glad I was looking at Carter when I woke up. Teal'c would have scared me into a coma.
"Hey," I grinned back pushing myself to sit up, "You two okay?"
Sam laughed slightly, "Just fine sir, how are you feeling?"
"Like I could rip Apophis' head off his body," I grimaced.
"You would have plenty of help," Teal'c joked, which always takes me by surprise and this was no exception.
I couldn't help my smile before I glanced over to the other bed, "How is he?"
Sam's eyes dull a little, "Quiet. Anytime he's woken up he asks how you are then just disappears into himself."
"Dr Fraiser is extremely worried," Teal'c jumped in, "I believe her assessment was that he may need to see Dr Mackenzie again."
"So the quack can lock him up again?" I snarled, "Over my dead body."
Suddenly I heard a quiet voice saying my name. Turning round I saw him staring at me his blue eyes filled with worry and guilt and pure grief.
I gave him a smile, "Hey there Danny-boy. How you doin'?"
He just looked at me, blue eyes brimming with tears. As they started to slide down his face he looked away. I looked up and Sam and Teal'c.
"Could you guys pop back later?"
They both seemed to understand that me and Daniel needed space so left, promising to look in later on.
"Danny?"
No response, dammit he wouldn't even look at me, maybe felt he couldn't after what we had been through.
Okay, this was not a time to follow doctor's orders I decided and started to turn off then unhook all the monitors around me. I climbed slowly out of bed, wincing as my body objected.
"You shouldn't get up Jack."
"In your opinion, Doctor Jackson?"
"Actually, in mine, Colonel O'Neill. Get back in bed this minute!" Oops, Doc Fraiser.
"I'm feeling better Janet, can't I go?" Not much hope but worth a try I thought.
"Colonel, you've been unconscious for two days, and asleep for most of another, there is no way I am letting you out of the infirmary until I'm sure you are fully recovered."
I sank back onto the edge of my bed. Two days, no one mentioned that! No wonder Danny was frantic.
"Janet, I'll get back in bed AFTER I've talked to Daniel, you can run whatever tests you want now, then I need to talk to my best friend."
There was still no sound from Daniel but I was sure he was still listening, and yes I wanted him to know that he was, is, will always be, my best friend, no matter how much we have to go through. Thankfully Janet seemed to take pity on me, and just took a blood sample and tested my blood pressure and breathing before leaving us alone, or at least as alone as you can get in the infirmary.
"Danny, we need to talk, your place or mine?"
"Jack, we're both stuck in here, remember?"
"Okay then, your bed or mine!"
Finally, a smile! Small progress but at this point I'd take what I could get. I smiled widely as he sank down at the end of my bed.
"Jack, I..."
"Danny" I interrupted him, "No apologies, what happened wasn't your fault and no-one blames you."
"Janet thinks I should talk to Mackenzie about things."
"Mackenzie is an ass! You need to talk about what happened, agreed, and you need to deal with the feelings that the whole mess brought up, but the people you need most are your friends. We have all been through that memory trip, all been drugged by a snake-head, not something in Mackenzie's experience I bet!"
"Jack, how can you just sit there and talk to me like nothing happened? I tried to kill you; technically I did 'cause your heart stopped. How can I ask you to ever trust me again, knowing that about me?"
Okay, I was losing this; I was too tired to think straight so I was completely and totally honest.
"Because you are my best friend, Danny, I love you like a brother. I couldn't protect you and I am sure as hell not going to blame you 'cause as a result of your pain I get hurt."
Daniel was so quiet I thought I'd lost him, hell, I wasn't entirely sure I'd even spoken aloud!
"It'll be a while before I can trust myself Jack."
"I know Danny, but we'll all be there." I was fading fast, my body refusing to stay awake but I needed to know Danny would be okay, that we'd all be okay.
"We're a team, Daniel. We all help each other."
"That's true Sir, and right now Teal'c and I need to get you both well," Sam was back, Teal'c with her guiding Daniel back to bed as Sam straightened my sheets.
I looked across at Daniel as Teal'c fussed with the sheets.
"Teamwork" I said smugly. "Hey, we could all go fishing, great for team-bonding, I know this place where the fish are as big as your arm..."
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