Missing the Stars: This Isn't Home
Missing the Stars: This Isn't Home
by Andrea M
TITLE: Missing the Stars: This isn't Home
AUTHOR: Andrea M
EMAIL: butterflitter@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack
SPOILERS: Into the fire
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 3
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: m/f
SUMMARY: When everything changes, what have you got to hold on to?
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
*Sam*
Stars are such fickle things, one minute they're yours and the next... the next you can only dream of ever being among them again.
I lie in a bed that doesn't yet quite feel like it's mine and stare out of my window at the sky. My vision blurs and I almost wish that it's because of failing eyesight and not because I'm about to cry again. Soldiers aren't supposed to cry. Try telling that to me right now and I'd probably hit the person who said it.
This place doesn't feel like home, I tell myself as a tear slides down my cheek. Give it time, another one replies and I laugh quietly, bitterly. You know you're going crazy when you talk to yourself and hear a reply. Jack would've asked me if I needed to start taking medication.
Jack.
I wipe my tears away, determined to stop crying but it's not really working. I miss him. A lot. I miss him more than anything, even my old job.
Once, I had a really cool job, I got to travel to other planets. I'd just been promoted to Major, I was the second in command to a great commanding officer and I saved the world on a regular basis.
Now I have a desk job.
I rise from the bed and walk over to a box on my dresser, opening it and sifting through the contents. It's all that remains of my old life. There's a medal I received, a patch and some photos. The medal, I remember, was meant to be given to me in Washington, disguised as an award for something far more boring. But instead it was given to me at the SGC by my boss. I was proud. I remember the day that the photo was taken even better.
The group photos. Jack was reluctant, saying that he wasn't at all photogenic. Teal'c was curious and I didn't really mind. Daniel said that if we didn't take it now we might never get another chance. It was just after we'd come back from Hathor's planet and we sure understood what he meant by that. So after a bit of bullying and persuasion, Daniel managed to get us all into the same photo. I have other photos of us. But there are only three group ones. In the first one we're all just standing there looking quite serious. Then it came time for the second one, we just stood there, waiting for the camera to go off and doing our own different versions of smiling. Suddenly Jack had grabbed me around the waist and I had looked up in surprise only to burst out laughing. He laughed too and the timer went off.
So that was how the photo looked. In the third one Jack and I are doubled over laughing, supporting each other so that we don't fall over on the ground. Daniel has his hands thrown up in the air looking annoyed and Teal'c just looks confused. Afterwards Daniel said that we ruined the picture, but he said it with a smile on his face.
But the patch reminds me of another time. We had thought it was just another meeting, only the team leaders were invited to go but we just thought it was something to do with new procedures or extra paperwork or something. It wasn't. I should have had some premonition of dread but there was nothing. Teal'c, Daniel and I were in the cafeteria when Jack came in.
The first time I thought that something might be wrong was when I smiled at him and he didn't smile back. He only looked at me thoughtfully. We waited for him to speak but he only stood there looking at us, clenching and unclenching his hands.
Finally Teal'c broke the silence. "Colonel O'Neill, is something wrong?" he asked.
And Jack looked down at the ground before raising his eyes to us. "Yes," he said "Something is definitely wrong."
And so Jack told us of how the SGC, who should have been the heroes of the entire planet, was being shut down. "It seems that they think the risk is too great, that they agree with our buddies Chronos, Nurti and Yu that our development should be limited." He said, his voice dripping with anger. "The team leaders were asked to break the news to their teams and then get ready to move out. So you see, this is what the politicians do with heroes. This is how they treat us once they get scared. They don't see why they should waste any more money on us when we might just meet more bad guys."
And so we were all reassigned. Jack's voice changed from anger to sadness as he told us what was happening. Teal'c was to be allowed to leave before the gate was shut down, to go wherever he wanted to go. And the rest of us? The teams that had become so close knit that we were like family? We were to be split up. Spread out over the world so that there wasn't the slightest chance that we'd run into each other and plot to spill the great secret. Only told where we were assigned after we'd left our teams.
"So unofficially I guess we're forbidden from seeing each other." He smiled and it had none of the usual brilliance that I loved. "I tried for Thanksgiving and Christmas but they wouldn't budge." The joke wasn't funny and suddenly I just wanted to cry. We sat there in shock, I shook my head, trying to deny it, even as I clenched my fists around the edge of a hard plastic table and dimly heard the outbursts of anger from other teams from outside the fog in my head.
They had an official assembly to tell all of us, and the marines suggested that we hold everyone hostage and refuse to relinquish the base. We didn't though, and sometimes I wish we had. I hugged Janet and Cassie goodbye, they were some of the first to leave. Later that day when SG-1 got the call that we were to be moved out I went to the locker room to gather my things. I didn't have much in my locker except those photos. I know that we all took them. Teal'c had cleared what little things he had already, Daniel was sorting out what to take from his collection in his space. Then Jack came in.
We probably thought about it at the same time, silently we took the patches off our jackets and exchanged them. So now I have his and wherever he is, he has mine. That was actually probably forbidden. We weren't supposed to take anything that could indicate there ever was an SGC so I suppose the photo shouldn't have been taken either.
I think that maybe I would have told Jack then if the guard hadn't come to fetch us, if I'd had just a few more minutes. It's not fair, but then again life has never been fair.
We all watched as Teal'c went through the gate, he'd hugged all of us, nearly crushed me with his strength. I swear I saw tears glistening in his eyes. As the gate shut down, I couldn't really imagine that we'd never go through it again, it was so much a part of our lives. I might not even be able to see my father ever again. We were all to leave separately so on the surface, Jack and I hugged Daniel goodbye, murmuring comforting words to him. I wonder whether he'll ever find his Sha're now? Maybe Teal'c will take on that job for him.... maybe.
Jack and I stood awkwardly for a moment and then he just took a step forward and put his arms around me. One hand wrapped around my waist and the other around my back. We held onto each other so tightly that I could barely breathe but I didn't care. We hugged for even longer than we did after I found him on Hathor's world. I pressed my face against his neck, closing my eyes so that the tears wouldn't show and crushed him against me.
"I'll miss you, Jack." I said, using his name for practically the first time.
"It's not fair Sam," he said, saying my name like it was something to be treasured "We were a good team. You're the best second in command I've ever had. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. I'll miss you a lot."
At that moment I wanted to tell him I loved him and then kiss him for so long that we'd run out of breath and the soldiers would have to pull us apart. But I didn't. It's not that simple... how do you kiss your CO in front of about twenty soldiers that aren't even your friends, they've been sent by the enemy. How do you do that?
So instead, after a breathtaking hug that meant more to me than any number of far more intimate acts committed with past boyfriends we parted. "I'll see you again." I said.
"You can count on it, you won't get rid of me that easily." He said. I could see tears in his eyes then.
I looked back the whole time they led me away and I didn't see his eyes leave me once, like he was committing me to memory. When a soldier put a hand on his arm to lead him away, Jack shook it off angrily, still staring after me. As we drove off I lifted one hand to wave and he echoed the motion. I didn't turn around until we passed a bend in the road that hid him from me. I don't think he did either.
Now I'm in a city far away, with a desk job that's as boring as hell. It's been four months and yet I still cry occasionally. That can't be healthy, can it? It's different to tell yourself that you can't go up to your CO and kiss him when there's not actually a possibility of doing that. And harder to live with as well.
Where are you tonight Jack? Are you even looking at the same stars as me?
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Andrea M
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