All we can have for now 2: I will wait
All we can have for now 2: I will wait
by Shana
TITLE: All we can have for now 2: I will wait
AUTHOR: Shana
EMAIL: ursula.maurer@t-online.de
CATEGORY: Romance, Series
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4; sequel to All we can have for now
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: The story continues...
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the sequel, and some people (read: my brother) say sequels are always worse than the first part. I hope mine isn't so bad!! Enjoy reading and send feedback, I need to know what you think! Thanks Nyah for your feedback which made me write this sequel. Thanks Carrie for your opinion, thanks Kylie for beta-reading again.
"I'll wait Sam" he says again. My mind changes. I'm not going to screw this now. It's now or never and I want him. "You don't have to." I say and eagerly kiss back. After some time which seems like an eternity to me we pull apart to gasp for the air we so desperately need. "You want that?" he asks me. What a question! "Yes" I breathe against his lips before capturing his again. He feels so good, this is what I always wanted. These feelings for him are deeper than anything I've ever felt. Now I know that this is it. True love.
Suddenly the image changes. I don't know how, I'm in a hot, small cave and Jack's dying. He's been shot obviously. The sight brings tears to my eyes. There's no 'how have I gotten here' as I rush to him and check his condition. "Sam" he manages to say and I can hear that it takes all his strength. "Jack don't say anything." I order, and fumble out the medic set I have in my bag. "I'm dying." He coughs. "No you're not!" I almost yell, I can't believe it, I don't WANT to believe it. "Save yourself Major. That's an order!" "With all due respect sir, NO!" Now I really start to shout, and finally grab out some medics. "Major GO! I'm dying, don't risk your life! I don't want you to die." He almost softly tells me before crying out in pain. Tears stream down my face but I'm still not leaving. I won't leave him behind. "No Jack, no NO NO NO!!"
With another scream I start up. Where am I? It's totally dark. "Carter? You okay?" I hear the Colonel whispering and then touching my arm. "Yes fine." I say and my mind finally starts to remember. I must have dreamt. I'm on a mission on P4X539. "Just a bad dream sir." I add. "Okay." He answers and removes his arm. "Have I woken you up?" I ask, blushing. I'm glad about the darkness, and glad that it didn't really happen. 'He's alive Sam. He's okay. Nobody's going to take him.' I think, trying to calm myself down. His voice interrupts me. "You've been screaming 'no' for several times. I figured you were dreaming and decided to wake you." "Thanks. Did I wake Teal'C and Daniel?" "Don't think so." Silence falls between us. Suddenly it's making me feel uneasy to be alone with him in this tent somewhere after having had two very PERSONAL dreams. Since this kiss it often happens to me. Of course I won't ever tell him, or even admit to myself that it's because I'm afraid it changed something between us. I've been pretty successful pretending everything was the same, though the longing I still feel sometimes has become worse. Like now. I want to hold him so tight and never let go after the shock of losing him in my dream. I don't do it of course, 'against regs' I think. Damn regs! They steal my private life, they steal my happiness, they don't let me love him. I sigh, I love my job, and I knew I would have to pay a price if I went for it. "Carter?" he asks again. "Huh?" I wonder, I thought he was already asleep again! "What was that sigh for?" "Oh nothing. Good night sir." I close my eyes and cuddle up in the sleeping back again. "Night Carter." He whispers back, also making himself comfortable again.
During the mission neither he nor I ever mention this again, and I hadn't woken up Teal'C nor Daniel apparently, either. If I had they were at least sensible enough not to tell me. The planet turns out to be a great one for Daniel. He finds lots of rocks. 'Sam you're thinking like Jack!' it hits me. Then I immediately remind myself of 'Colonel, not Jack!'. Oddly enough I always call him Jack in my thoughts.
We come home through the Stargate three hours earlier than due. General Hammond is visibly confused, but Jack... I mean the COLONEL 'for god's sake Sam, it's Colonel, and stop thinking like him!' explains to him that it's because we haven't met any civilisation though there once must have been one because of the artefacts as Daniel adds. Hammond lets us take a shower and sets the briefing for 1600 hours.
After having been checked out by Janet I walk to the locker room and change the sign on the door. I know I'm late, the guys already showered. Well it means I'm alone and can take my time. I keep thinking about this night and my dream. It had been cruel seeing him die. All the fear and love I had felt then is coming up again now. I stop the thought and use my special safety technique. I bury these forbidden feelings, throw them deep down on the bottom of my soul and think of something very physical. This time it doesn't work. My mind wanders to Jack again. 'COLONEL' I try to drum into my head again. I can't do anything against the little tear that cascades down my cheek. Another one follows, until I cry freely. I try to stop it, I am military after all, but I can't. It's like something more powerful than me forces me to cry my heart out. I sit down because I feel like I can't keep standing, my knees are to weak. My back leans against the shower wall, the water is still running. Feelings overwhelm me. Fear, hope, love, relief, shame. 'I can't ever lose you.' I silently cry. I feel it again, he is dying again and I can't help him. A feeling that seems to strangle me and break me inside. I don't want to feel that, I'm a soldier, I have to be strong. I'm not allowed to have these feelings. As easy as I began to cry I stop. Like there were no more tears. Then I stand up, suddenly ashamed of myself. I'm usually not alike. I put new clothes on. I'm angry, how can I be so emotional about something like that. I slam the door of my locker and it noisily flews closed. The locker next to mine opens by the pace. I knows whose it is, it's the Colonel's. 'He hasn't closed it properly' I think and want to shut it when my eyes see a small book on top of his clothes, still opened. I read 'mission on P4X539' and notice it's his journal. Curiously I decide to read two or three sentences.
The mission was really boring, just Daniel was excited like a little child. He found tons of rocks. Every time he found one I thought that just HAD to be the last one but somehow he managed to find another one, and another one, and another one. I swear if he had found one more I would've gone nuts.
I smiled. That's just him. He won't ever understand Daniel and his artefacts. I want to shut the locker now, it's none of my business what my CO is writing into his journal. But my look drifts down and finds my name. And not Carter or Major, no, he's writingSam. Now I gotta read some more sentences.
One night I had a dream about Sam. She was lying on the ground seriously hurt and was dying. I couldn't help her and she wanted me to leave. But I couldn't. I would never leave her behind. I cried and though I'd never have thought I'd say this again, I know I love her. But I won't get to tell her that, it hurts.
Anyway, I woke up by some screams and it was her. She was obviously dreaming and shouted 'no'. I was so startled, but I felt relief when I noticed Teal'C and Daniel hadn't woken up. I woke her up and she said she was fine. She seemed to be embarrassed, I wonder what she'd dreamt. I wish it had been about me. God I wish I could have held her afterwards when I noticed she was alive. That no one had taken her away from me. But she just said 'goodnight sir' and fell asleep again. I haven't slept much then. I couldn't. I was scared of dreaming about her death again. It was so terrible, it was like dying myself, just a million times worse. I wish I would be allowed to feel this for her. She means everything to me and I'll never be able to tell her. I won't endanger her career and she deserves so much better than me. What have I to give?
Tears began to well in my eyes again. This was his emotional side, usually hidden behind his military, sarcastic mask. He feels like me, I realise. Oh my God, it's getting worse again. I thought it couldn't after the kiss but now it does. I don't want to hurt myself further, I want to close his journal, forget I ever read it and what is written in it. I want to stop the tears, but I have no idea how. This is too much for me to deal with. I had a lot of military training, but this love for him and from him for me is something more powerful than any military feeling. And love is what makes me read the last paragraph.
She deserves a young, smart, beautiful, techno-babbling guy. I'm none of this.
Again I stop. 'Yes you are' I think. 'You're not old, you're smart and you are beautiful. Okay you're not techno-babbling but you make me smile. You're the bravest person I know Jack'. This I shouldn't have thought, I'm lost in my feelings again.
I wish I could've held her this night, make her see how much I love her, care for her. I wish I could make her happy the way she makes me happy. She's the one, I know it. I can't deny it anymore but I have to. Tomorrow I'm going to be the sarcastic, military man again. I'll go on pretending. I'll wait for you Sam.
As I close the book a tear falls down on it and I carefully wipe it away. This love won't ever go away no matter how hard I try. I hear footsteps outside. Hurriedly I place it in his locker like I've found it and close the locker. I wipe my tears away and hear Jack calling "Carter?" "Come in sir." I manage to call back, trying to let my voice sound normal. He opens the door and pops his head in. "You're late. You coming?" with that he opens the door. "Yes, just a moment." I answer, grab my things and leave. When I walk by I whisper "I'll wait for you too Jack" and then head for my quarters. I don't see the look of joy and horror pass over his face anymore.
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