Sam Carter's Diary part 1
by Sarah Butler
TITLE: Sam Carter's Diary part 1
Author: Sarah Butler
Email: Sarah74656@hotmail.com
Category: Humor, Romance
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Spoilers: None
Season: 4
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Status: Completed
Summary: Sam gets a book for Christmas that inspires her to start writing a diary of her own... A parody SG-1 type version of Bridget Jones' Diary, except a little more child friendly. If you liked the book or the film, you'll love this. (I hope!)
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
Author's notes: Hello everyone! I know it's been a while since I wrote anything, but blame the nasty workload I've got at the moment! Anyway, I read 'Bridget Jones' Diary' and this sort of blossomed in my head... For those of you wondering, this bears no resemblance whatsoever to my angsty diary stories. This one is purely for humour purposes and as such you shouldn't take it to be at all serious. Oh, and before I set you off reading, one last thing: remember - feedback is good!
January 1st
New Years Resolutions:
1. Work less.
2. Sleep more.
3. Get boyfriend (not slimy alien)
4. Stop fantasising about Jack.
Found book in pile of Christmas presents - called 'Bridget Jones' Diary'. V. good and funny so decided to catalogue own life in similar fashion. May be boring and uninteresting but no one will read it so not a problem.
Have managed to get New Year's resolutions list up to four items think can cope with. Bet will not last long but must try for sake of tradition.
Can't think of much to write. Will try again tomorrow. Muse might have recovered from hangover by then.
January 10th
Hours worked: 18
Hours slept: 4 (v.good)
Boyfriends: 0 (not surprising)
Jack fantasies: 3082 (not good)
Remembered about diary. Realised should have made fifth resolution. Fifth resolution is now to write in diary.
Work is boring and hell except when Jack is around. Keep sending sideways glances at Daniel. Think he knows about resolution. Shall promise to talk to Janet for him should he mention it to Jack.
Went off world. Met many slimy aliens. Started to think Martouf/Nareem not so bad, then realised need vacation. Wait - only just had Christmas. Damn.
Just finished playing with doohickeys and is now 4am. Must report for duty at 8am so will sleep now.
January 21st
Hours worked: 10 (v. good for weekday, v. bad as is weekend)
Hours slept: 8 (is miracle)
Boyfriends: 0 (wonder why bother counting?)
Jack related fantasies: 4001 (at last rough estimate)
Spoke to General Hammond about vacation. He said he'd think about it, then promptly gave out yet another special SG-1 type assignment. Think that 'no rest for the weary' was a v. witty comment by Jack. Have given up trying not to think remarks made by commanding officer are v. witty because always are, so is futile. Have decided also to ignore ridiculous suggestion of Daniel's that am obsessing over Jack. Have looked up definition of obsessive on the Internet and have found am not obsessed as only score 8 out 10 in on-line quiz. Have decided also to ignore supposed warning signs as quiz is obviously faulty in some way.
Followed advice of Janet about sleeping more and have bought relaxation tape to become a better and more efficient sleeper. Annoyed that paid $10 for tape of trees rustling when live by a forest, but will relent if sleep improves.
January 30th
Hours worked: 17 (not so good)
Hours slept: 3 (v. bad)
Boyfriends: 0 (must stop counting)
Jack fantasies: too many to count.
Still no word on vacation. Am getting tired and fed up. Tree rustling tape was complete waste of money as discovered there is nothing more irritating than noisy trees when you can't shut the window to shut them up. Janet says sleep efficiency has decreased again. Wonder if it would increase if threw tape into trees outside?
Have realised only resolution so far kept is unwritten one to write in diary. This is v. bad but better than Bridget Jones. Am also impressed with self for not being self-conscious enough to weigh self everyday and write weight in diary. Know this is futile as nothing gives a better figure than fighting aliens. Will aim to prove Stargate travel gives smaller waistline.
February 10th
Hours worked: 10 (v. good!)
Hours slept: 3
Hours spent trying to sleep: 4
Jack fantasies related to Valentines Day: 5843 (not good)
Is Valentines Day in 4 days. Do not know what shall do. Jack cannot send flowers as is bound by airforce regulations. Actually there is no regulation against such an act, but will still not occur because just won't. Cannot let brain get excited over nothing.
Valentines Day in 4 days!
I wonder is Jack will send chocolates?
Should I send chocolates? Will ring Janet for girls' opinion.
"Hey Janet."
"Sam - are you ringing about Valentines again?"
She is psychic.
"Erm... no..."
"Just one red rose and a box of milk tray."
"Oh. And-"
"No name."
"Right. So-"
"Not even a forwarding address."
"OK. Janet?"
"Yes?"
"Sending anything yourself?"
"Me? Why? I mean why should I? I mean who should I? I mean-"
"Send him chocolates, Jan."
"Oh. Right. Of course."
"See you tomorrow."
"K, Sam. Chocolates. Tomorrow. Right. Bye then!"
Put phone down. Deny to self that have grin on face at mere thought of Jack and Valentines Day in same sentence. Give up trying to deny self and end up grinning stupidly. Will make tea now. Am having spaghetti bolognese.
Damn, have no tomatoes.
Have no onions either.
Have just discovered have no spaghetti either. Have promptly given up idea of pasta in any form and have phoned for pizza instead. With coffee. Mmm.
February 13th
Hours worked: 5 (absolutely never heard of before)
Hours slept: 7 (v. good)
Hours spent daydreaming: 10 (at a conservative estimate)
Jack thoughts: not even going there.
12pm - Valentines Day tomorrow. Was so excited this morning that spilt coffee over last mission report and had to re-write. Jack offered to help and I then proceeded to knock freshly refilled cup onto floor. Not that bothered. It was a nasty cup anyway.
4pm - Just finished re-writing report. Would have been done faster if Jack hadn't kept coming in to see how I was getting on. Not a bad thing, but thought I should mention it. Just for the record. Will go home soon.
9pm - Just got home. Mmm, fancy coffee. Maybe Jack will ring.
9:10pm - Jack has still not rung.
9:12pm - Jack has still not rung.
9:17pm - Jack has still not rung.
9:22pm - Ooh, phone!
9:30pm - Was stupid electricity salesman. Have made vow to kill all such salesmen in future. Ooh, phone again.
9:35pm - Hehe. Conservatory man did not know what hit him. Think some may say am mean, but do not agree. If they want nice, they shouldn't ring after nine at night, should they?
10:45pm - Fed up of waiting. Am tired, so will go to bed now.
February 14th
Hours slept: 2 (not good since went to bed at 11pm last night)
Hours worked: none yet
Jack thoughts: lots
Jack phone calls received: none
Number of times picked up phone to call Jack then decided against it: 42
9am - Oh... it's been a whole hour at work already, and still nothing! Could easily hate that man, if he weren't so damn yummy. Which he is. Will stop thinking along those lines immediately.
10am - Still nothing. Wonder if was wrong to think anything would happen. Need chocolate. Need coffee. Need to stop thinking about it.
10:35am - Still done no work. Keep expecting him to appear around the door. Not good. Ooh, phone!
10:40am - Was just Daniel, asking if I had seen Jack recently. Think scared him with angry outburst about disturbing people when they are trying to work. Tactfully did not mention that have still not done any work today but instead have spent time waiting for phone to ring. Wonder what he is up to now?
1pm - Have given up waiting and have decided to get some lunch after much protest from stomach that it had not been fed since soup last night. Did not have time for breakfast as was too busy getting to work to see Jack. Ooh, talk of the devil! Here he is. Will not smarten self up. Will not let heart go faster. Will not let voice get stuck in throat.
"Hey, Carter."
Muffled squeak that could almost sound like "sir" if heard in the right way.
"You alright?"
Nod.
"You sure?"
Nod.
"Oh. Well. Anyway."
Despite all will to the contrary could not, for some reason, get intelligible sentence out. Was supposed to say 'Did you want something, sir?' but instead said 'mmph!' or something like it.
"Erm, just wanted to say, erm, Happy Valentines Day."
He said what?
"And, erm, here's a card. And, erm, a flower, erm, yeah."
Jack gave me a rose! He gave me a rose!
5pm - He gave me a rose! Still cannot get over fact. Know will only last a few days, but aim to see if can get Janet to freeze it or something, to preserve the gift. Will go and see her now.
5:30pm - Janet says there is nothing that can be done for a rose, and maybe I should take a picture or a video or something. Figures. Will hurry home now in case he rings.
8pm - He has not rung. Should I expect him to?
8:21pm - Ooh, need food.
8:25pm - Damn, have nothing in. Am reluctant to eat pizza from Dominoes again. Will phone Fred's instead.
8:27pm - Fred's is closed. Maybe will look in cupboard or freezer for ready meal.
8:33pm - Have found some form of microwave pasta meal. Will eat this.
8:42pm - Why isn't it cooked?
8:44pm - Damn, forgot to put microwave on. Have turned on microwave and tried again. Hate cooking.
9pm - Have decided he will not ring, so have decided to have bath instead of moping in front of TV.
9:12pm - Mmm... love sudsy bath.
9:15pm - Damn, telephone! Scrambled out of bath putting water everywhere and rescued phone extension. Swear will kill if it is another phone salesman.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Carter."
Argh. Is him!
"Oh. Hello. Sir."
Pause.
"Did I catch you in the middle of something?"
"I was just in the bath."
Damn, shouldn't have said that!
"Oh."
Large pause, and a sound which sounds like he is swallowing something.
"Look, I can, erm, ring back if you like."
"No, it's alright. Really."
"OK."
Another pause.
"I was just wondering... You want to catch a movie or something?"
Yikes!
"Er, yeah, sure!"
Have date with CO! Success! What to wear?
12pm - Have returned from date with CO. Must remember not to call it 'date'. Is informal meeting outside of work. Must remember. Am very, very happy.
February 26th
Hours worked: 15 (bad)
Hours slept: 5 (not bad)
Jack thoughts: 3542 (or other such number)
1471 calls: 36
Have made February resolution. Get answer phone. Have decided that having to ring 1471 every time one needs to know if someone has rung is inefficient use of time that can be better spent working. I mean sleeping. Have also made promise to Jack that will sleep more. Am not very optimistic that this will happen. Never mind.
Have abandoned temptation to wait in kitchen by phone for Jack to call every evening. Have moved phone extension to sitting room where there is a computer and more comfortable chairs.
March 1st
Hours worked: 14 (hmm...)
Hours slept: 8 (practically a miracle!)
Jack thoughts: should give up recording these
Number of Internet quizzes filled in: 12
7pm - Have found (through Janet) the joy of online quizzes. After debacle of 'obsession' questionnaire it is clear that they are not all to be trusted, but are none the less some amusement. After large search finally found a quiz which did not accuse me of being workaholic (silly notion) and will so on trust quizzes from same source. Wonder if Jack knows about internet quizzes? Wonder if Jack has Internet? Will phone just as excuse to talk to him. Not that need such elaborate excuse.
7:06pm - Damn. CO is not home. Wonder where he might be? Will call cell phone instead.
7:10pm - Cell phone turned off. Hmm. Curious.
7:15pm - Daniel has no idea where Jack is. Sure there is no need to panic though. Is probably in car and forgot to turn phone on. Will watch TV to take mind off silly dilemma.
8:30pm - Janet just rang. Said she saw Jack at O'Malleys with someone and did I know. When I told her I knew nothing about it she shut up and refused to tell anymore. Oh what is happening? Must calm down. Will not get obsessive over new girl. Might not even be girl. Could be airforce general. If so why would Janet ring? Bad thought. Need chocolate.
8:45pm - My life is not worth living. Jack was obviously with another girl. Doesn't love me. Never did. Never had date, and flower is dead in vase. Life is cruel.
10pm - Have finished chocolate. And ice cream. And half tub of cookies. Will go to bed now as feel a little sick. Ooh, wait, phone.
10:34pm - Was Janet again. She says she saw mystery person leave Daniel's house 5 minutes ago. She refused to comment when I asked her why she was spying on Daniel's house, but says that this means that girl slut is not Jack's girlfriend! Wayhay! Life is good again! Now must investigate mysterious woman to satisfy natural curiosity. Eugh, feel sick, will do it tomorrow.
March 14th
Hours spent working on SGC business: 4
Hours spent trying to figure out who mystery woman is: 10
Hours slept: 5 (bad)
Spies or Russian intelligence agents discovered: 0
Hurrah! Have finally discovered truth behind woman in restaurant and at Daniel's home. Turns out woman was merely looking for Daniel to deliver a letter and package sent to Jack's house under his name. Neighbour told woman Jack went out and to try O'Malleys as is his favourite restaurant. Janet caught them when she was there. He has no girlfriend! Hurrah that there is no other woman, terrible that he does not have me as his girlfriend. Have decided it is imperative actually do some SGC work as am paid to do before General Hammond discovers large internet and phone bill that have now run up and wants to know why.
March 23rd
Hours worked: 10 (not bad)
Hours slept: 9 (amazing)
Number of times saved world today: 1
Number of Naquada reactors fixed: 0.5 (at best guess)
11am - Have decided that saving world is not all cracked up to be. Saving world does not give you extra cable channels, free pizza or date with commanding officer, so is therefore not really all that good. Would resign and get desk job, but have decided would not improve date prospects either. Sigh. Is terrible. Jack has not spoken to me in at least 2 days. Have rung house but no one home. Have not seen any signs of him since yesterday morning. Would be worried, but no one else seems to be.
1pm - Daniel just came in and asked if had seen Jack. Said no, and he said he hadn't seen him since yesterday either. Hope he is ok.
1:30pm - Now am worried. Got call from General Hammond who has also not seen Jack since yesterday. Maybe will call around.
1:36pm - Teal'c has not seen him either.
1:43pm - Neither has Janet. Oh god. What to do? Will ring his house. Maybe he is ill.
1:50pm - Still no answer. Maybe had better check in person.
2:15pm - Oh god. Jack not home, last message on answer phone was last night. He has not been home. Where is he? Confused and worried. What to do?
2:17pm - Maybe he has been abducted? Better phone General Hammond.
2:19pm - Bad idea. Am supposed to be working, not looking for lost Colonel. Will sit down. Need to think.
2:45pm - Really worried now. Must get water, or will hyperventilate in Colonel's lounge and be found dead in morning by milkman or other such delivery man.
2:49pm - Is that a noise? Sounds like door. Will investigate.
3:10pm - Don't believe it. Was Jack! Apparently he went out with next door neighbour yesterday afternoon because off illness of dog or next door neighbour. Vet kept dog in overnight so they got back late, and Jack slept next door. He woke up late. Have been panicking over Jack oversleeping. Cannot believe own stupidity. Said as much to Jack. Don't think should have yelled quite that much. Was own fault after all.
3:45pm - Am sitting on bench on sidewalk not far from Jack's house. Cannot believe own stupidity. Oh god - here comes Jack.
"Carter?"
"Mmm?"
"Carter, are you ok?"
"Sure. Why not? Why shouldn't I be? I'm peachy. Just peachy."
Cannot look at his face. Will not look at his face. Do not- oh damn.
"Sam..."
Oh... Not the puppy dog eyes! How to concentrate on being angry with the puppy dog eyes? He's not playing fair. At all.
"Mmm?"
That's right! Stun him with large and varied vocabulary!
"I'm sorry you were worried. Really I am."
Mustn't say anything...
"I didn't mean to worry you."
Nothing...
"I hate to think you were worried about me."
Nothing...
"I wouldn't want that. You mean too much to me."
Oh heck...
"It's all very well saying that now! You were just gone! Like, like, poof! And no one had seen you... You could have been anywhere... I was so scared..."
Think that went well.
"I'm so sorry... Can you forgive me?"
Damn puppy dog eyes!
"Mmm..."
"Thanks, Sam. It means a lot to me."
Will not do nodding dog impression, will not do nodding dog impression, will not-
"You want a lift back to the base?"
-do nodding dog impre- What? Base? Oh hell! Had forgotten all about work!
"Carter?"
"Er, yeah. Thanks."
Well that went well. Hope Hammond did not notice absence.
4:20pm - Found note from Hammond on desk about briefing. Do not know when it appeared, am v. sure was not there this morning. Will not accept suggestion that was worrying about Jack too much then to be thinking about memos as is silly thought. Am already 15mins late. Hope that Jack can be even later. Am not vindictive, just feel that there should be some justice for the puppy dog eyes.
4:25pm - Damn. CO already at meeting. How the hell did he get here so fast? Apologise profusely and sit down. There is no justice.
4:27pm - Never knew briefing could be so boring. Must be alien plot to take over planet. Put all important people in briefing and talk until they fall asleep. Take over world. Is so simple, cannot believe has not been tried before now.
4:28pm - Since when has there been pens in the folders at briefings? Must be new addition to pack. Surely would have noticed if had been there previously.
4:36pm - What is Jack drawing?
4:37pm - Will not wonder what Jack is drawing.
4:38pm - But what is it?
4:39pm - Will ask later. If am still awake then.
10:56pm - Hurrah! Have been released from briefing. At last. Need sleep. Must get home before pass out on floor. Has been long day.
March 30th
Hours worked: 7 (amazing)
Hours slept: 2 (v, v. bad)
Times forgiven Jack in last hour: 48 (bad)
Number of plots for April Fools Day: 3431 (in the last 10 minutes)
Time spent plotting: 10 hours (at a conservative estimate)
Have discovered from Daniel that is April Fools Day in 2 days time. As Fisher Price says - 'Oh, the possibilities!'
March 31st
Hours worked: 2 (should be good and yet bad)
Hours slept: 5 (not good)
Times forgiven Jack in last hour: 14 (very conservative)
Number of finalised plots for tomorrow: 11 and a half
Time spent plotting: 14 hours 26 minutes (to date)
Am looking forward to tomorrow with immense glee. Feel like want to skip home or cackle like evil Disney witch. Know in heart that it is not good to dwell on misfortune of others but will smile anyway, as is Jack and he is deserving.
Cannot wait until tomorrow!
April 1st (April Fools Day!)
Hours worked: 0 (wonder why am on SGC payroll at all?)
Hours slept: 4 (too excited to sleep)
Pranks/plots successfully executed so far: 0 (but is early days yet!)
Pranks plots left to execute: 12 (unless more come to mind)
Measure of Jack's amusement at events on scale of 1-10: 9 (at the moment)
8am - Have arrived at SGC in time to set up many plots to pay back CO for puppy dog eyes and other such offences. Am just heading to commissary to get necessary ingredients and plot devices.
9:45am - Damn! Ran into Daniel on way to commissary and have only just got away. Poor thing was upset over Janet and some rocks. Wish that could have been better counsellor/friend but was so insistent on him leaving that feel it took twice as long as should have. Have now got first plot factor so will head to Jack's office. Hope he is late in today.
10:07am - Damn again! As luck would have it, Jack was in early. Cannot execute plan a, b, c or d and had to come up with good excuse to be in CO's office. Not sure he bought scientific mumbo-jumbo that threw at him - am sure he is smarter than he lets me believe. Must now move to plan e.
10:50am - Will kill Janet Fraiser! After many promises to help carry out many April Fools Day activities was left for half hour trying to comfort best friend crying over Daniel and hypodermic needles. Feel greatly that pair are v. stupid and should talk to one another, as would greatly improve moods of each and relieve pressure off their other friends when they are trying to implement evil conspiracies against their commanding officers. Must now scrub plans e, f, g, h and i. Am only left with j, k and l. Should get moving as only have just over hour left.
11:15am - Stupid computer! Equipment thought of as most reliable and important piece of machinery that own has stopped working in hour of need. Make mental note to find most devastating virus off Internet and unleash onto system as punishment at first possible opportunity. Cannot now invoke plans j or k as require use of files only present on PC. Would take hours to re-write programs. Hours of work wasted. Still have plan l, and 45 minutes to carry out. Should get going.
11:37am - Cannot find Jack. Maybe he is hiding?
11:49am - Getting desperate now. Only have 10 minutes left!
11:56am - Is not in office, commissary, infirmary or anywhere have looked. Must be hiding in broom closet or other such secretive place.
11:58am - Do not believe own luck. Had so many plans and can carry out none of them!
11:59am - Gaagh! Jack has just walked in, and am slumped in his chair in his office. Not the easiest of situations to explain to CO.
"Hey Carter."
"Erm, hi sir."
Do not know what to do. Jack is being v. quiet and walking towards me.
"Sir?"
Oh my god. Is he going to do what I think he is going to do?
12:01pm - He kissed me! He kissed me! Cannot believe Jack kissed me!
"I guess the jokes on me, huh Carter?"
Cannot believe what has happened. This changes everything. All dreams, coming true at once. Think might faint.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Sarah Butler