What Do You Do With A Drunken Colonel?
by Debi C
TITLE: What Do You Do With A Drunken Colonel? Pt 1 of the Drunken Colonel Saga
Author: Debi C
Email: debi27@stic.net
Category: Series, AU, Humor, Romance
Pairing: Daniel/Sam
Spoilers: Stargate, Children Of The Gods, Divide And Conquer, Forever And A Day, Between Two Fires, 2001, and probably many more whose name I can't remember.
Season: 5
Series: The Drunken Colonel Saga
Rating: PG-13
Content Warnings: language, minor character death
Status: Completed
Summary: What do we do with a drunken Colonel who was sitting, and thinkin, and drinkin, and thinkin some more.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
Author's notes: One night a while back, during a pounding rain storm, I was sitting and thinking, and wound up with this strange little plot bunny. I make no excuses or explanations for it. So with apologies to Anyone it might offend or tickle your fancies read it or not at your own risk. Only bad words to warn of, and it is an Alternate Universe. So this is in answer to the Question: What do we do with a drunken Colonel who was sitting, and thinkin, and drinkin, and thinkin some more. The series is not finished yet.
The Drunken Colonel Saga Pt. 1
What Do You Do With A Drunken Colonel?
by Debi C
Jack O'Neill was sitting on his deck drinking his beer. The bar-b-que was over. Janet and Cassie had been there since early afternoon but had left about twenty minutes or so. George had stopped by on his way home but only stayed about half an hour. Teal'c was in the guest bedroom doing a quick kel-nor-reem, siesta or whatever. Carter and Daniel were sunbathing and chatting out on the grass on some blankets.
He was on the deck ostensibly to keep the coals in the grill from burning down his house, but actually he had settled there over an hour or so ago with a cooler just within reach...and he'd been reaching...a lot. He didn't feel drunk yet, just that really mellow glow of alcohol and carbohydrates where the answer to everything is very obvious to anyone who wanted to think about stuff. Not that the same conclusion would ever appear remotely feasible to anyone else who hadn't reached the comfortable plateau of over indulgence that he had.
O'Neill watched the two younger members of his team as they spoke quietly about esoteric 'things' that were way beyond his comprehension. He didn't even try to listen as he knew that what they were talking about wouldn't interest him in the vaguest way. But he loved to sit and watch them. Undoubtedly they were the two most attractive people he knew, both so similar yet different in their own individual ways. Carter was a photographer's dream: all long lissome legs and arms, small waist, strong hips, breasts not too big but still enough to peak the interest. Daniel, while not anywhere near the muscular macho type, was beautiful in a graceful athletic style. Again the long legs, but where she was slender he held a sinuous power in check. In the past few years, Daniel had matured, broadened and developed into a vigorous agile man. And he loved them both way more that he was supposed to. And he didn't give a tinker's damn about it.
His kids. His family. He had failed once to be a caretaker to someone he loved more than life... but here...now...they were his success.
It was a shame they the two of them didn't have kids of their own. They were both plenty old enough to have several by now, but with life the way it was through the Stargate it hadn't happened. Daniel was a widower, and showed no real interest in forming another relationship to anyone. Carter, well, her potential mates hadn't fared real well either. Poor ole Marty had turned out to be a zatark, Nareem, if still alive, was trapped on a Goa'uld occupied world and Ambassador Joe got left behind with the Aschen. Sucker punches, every one. And then there was him. Failed father, failed husband, just plain failed. Doomed...shit...where's that last beer at, anyway?
So the Colonel sat in his lounge chair, thinking and drinking and thinking so more. He watched as Carter and Daniel got up and brushed the grass off of each other. Then Danny reached down to pick up the blanket and Carter reached forward to help. They wound up overbalancing each other and falling down on the blanket on top of one another. They wrestled playfully for a minute or two, and then Danny gave her a hand up and put his arm around her waist to steady her. She laughed and hugged him.
It hit him like a lightening bolt! Of course, it was so obvious! How could he have missed it? It was perfect, absolutely fucking perfect. Solved all the problems, gave him all the answers and ... did he say it was perfect? He sat there and grinned at them like a kid in Disneyland.
Daniel and Carter turned to look at O'Neill. He was... smiling... grinning... chuckling ... chortling ... he was acting very odd. Daniel flipped the blanket over his arm and approached the older man sitting on the deck laughing at them. Carter followed him at a safe distance. "Jack, are you okay?"
O'Neill giggled again and said...not unexpectedly..."Ya-sur-ya-bet-cha!" in a loud happy voice.
"Sir, what are you laughing about?" Sam asked in amazement as she watched her teammate charily approach their leader.
"I got it." Jack was still grinning to beat the band. "I figured it out. It's perfect."
Daniel had reached the edge of the deck and made his way up the stairs to Jack's level. "This is a good thing, right?"
"It's wonderful, best idea I've had in years." Jack assured him, beaming happily.
"What's your idea, Jack?" Daniel said in an extremely calm voice. "Tell us so we know too."
"Okay dokey." O'Neill nodded and patted the lounge chair beside himself for Daniel to sit down next to him. "C'mon, Carter. Ya gotta hear this too. It's perfect."
She sighed and stepped up on the deck then settled Indian fashion on the dry wood floor. Daniel had slid down next to Jack's chair, also sitting on the decking. O'Neill graciously handed both of them a beer from the cooler.
"Colonel, how many of these have you had today?" Sam looked at him suspiciously.
"I dunno, Carter. Not too many, but plenty...if you know what I mean.' He smiled at her indulgently.
She and Daniel exchanged glances and then turned back to Jack. They waited expectantly. He sat and smiled.
"You wanted to tell us something." Daniel prompted him.
"Oh. Yea." He appeared to remember something terribly important and paused a moment to gather his thoughts. "Listen, kids. You both know I love ya a lot." The two nodded in unison while exchanging meaningful glances. Jack continued. "Well, I do. A lot. But I was thinking what's happened to us the last coupla years. Us losing people we cared about. People we maybe were gonna be with but, well; now they're gone. And it's only us now. Ya know. The three of us." Daniel and Sam both were listening to him now. He knew that he'd hit a nerve on both of them. "Well, I was sitting and thinking that we all got cheated here. But you two, you two really got hammered." Jack noticed that his kids had gotten really quiet really fast so he had to get it out quick. "I think that we need to change the game. We need to make something happen here."
Daniel spoke quietly, "Jack, look. I know that you've been drinking all day, but maybe you should be a little concerned about what you're saying here." The blue-eyed gaze caught O'Neill's and held it. "Jack..."
O'Neill leaned over and laid his hand on Daniel's bare shoulder. "Danny, listen. Then you can tell me to shut up. But listen first."
Daniel broke his gaze and looked down at the hard wood.
Jack continued. "Look. You two are the best people I know. You are smarter and better looking and nicer and better then anybody else. Anybody else. So why are you alone?"
"Who should we be with, Sir?" Carter asked, shaking her head. "What are you talking about here?"
Jack looked up at her and replied. "Us. Damn it, us." He took a deep breath then continued. "Look, here's my idea." He paused. "Carter, how old are you now?"
"Thirty-nine."
"Thirty-nine. Okay. First, you got to get pregnant."
"Pregnant? With who?" She didn't quite know what to say, or think for that matter.
"With Daniel." Jack continued. "You get pregnant and then I'll retire."
"Wh..wa..wait a minute." Daniel stuttered. "You want me and Sam to get pregnant?"
"Yes, then I'll retire and get the house ready." Jack continued on casually. "When she's due..."
"Are we going to get married?" Sam looked at both men.
"I don't care. It doesn't matter to me." Jack replied honestly. "Do you want to get married?"
"Well, I always thought I would be." She looked at Daniel, then down. He looked at her then back towards Jack.
"Fine," Jack continued. "But first get pregnant, then get married. Are you gonna marry Daniel?"
"I don't know..." Sam looked at Jack then back at Daniel.
"Jack, I don't think...." Daniel started
"Fine," Jack interrupted. "I'll marry you if you want...but first get pregnant. Then I'll retire."
Daniel tried again. "You want me to get Sam pregnant, and then you'll marry her and retire? Why should I get Sam pregnant? Can't you get her pregnant?" Daniel was starting to babble.
"I don't know. I could probably get her pregnant but I don't want her to be pregnant with my kid. It'd be a waste. You need to have the kid. It's better, smarter for the baby, I mean. I'd just have a regular kid. With you two, it'd be really smart and good-looking.
Sam was still not there yet. "Why are you retiring?"
Jack looked at her patiently. "So I can raise the kid. Your kid. See, that way you can both stay with the SGC. And the kid will have a full time caretaker. We can all live here if you want. You and Sam can get married if you want or if not, I'll marry her and we'll raise the kid. But the whole point is the kid. See?"
Daniel and Sam replied in unison. "NO." Then Sam said. "Sir, we don't get it. We don't understand. Explain it again. Please!"
"Okay, look. I love you both. You're both great, smart, wonderful, perfect people. None of us have a family. You and Daniel are, um, maturing. You need to have kids before it's too late. Who better to have the kid that the two best people I know. And look, I'm gonna be retiring anyway pretty soon. But you two can stay on if you want to. And I'll be here to watch the baby, and to take care of the two of you. No problem." There he'd finally gotten it all out.
"But Jack." Daniel said slowly. "Sam and I don't love each other."
Jack smiled at him. "Yes, you do."
"But Sir, I love Daniel but he's like my brother. I don't..."
O'Neill shook his head. "Carter, you're not getting the point. Look, think baby. Think good of the human race. Think genetics." He paused. "Do you know how many stupid ugly people are having babies even as we speak?"
"Uh, no."
"Take my word for it. Lots. And they don't care. But with you two, see the kid will be really smart and it'll have blond hair and big blue eyes and long legs and..."
"Jack."
"Yes, Daniel."
"It wont' work." Daniel shook his head. "Genetics don't work that way. There's literally thousands of DNA permutations that could occur. The child could be allergic, myopic, brown eyed, skinny and stupid."
"But it's less likely to happen than if I marry Jane Brown."
"Who's Jane Brown?" Carter asked, confused.
"She's the new janitor. Look, I know what you're saying but you gotta admit that you and Carter have a much better chance of having a genius than me or Ferretti."
Daniel quirked a lip. "You and Ferretti don't have much chance of having a baby at all."
"Stop it Danny. You know what I mean." Jack shook his head at the younger man. "And you don't have to get married, ya know. You two could just have babies and leave them with me."
"Now it's plural? Babies?"
"Well, why not?" Jack asked. "Why only have one. I mean lets do more and if you don't marry each other then when you do get married I can baby-sit them too." He sat back and watched the two stare at him. Then he declared. "I like kids."
The End.(?)
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