Be Careful What You Wish For
Be Careful What You Wish For
by Alexandra
TITLE: Be Careful What You Wish For
AUTHOR: Alexandra
EMAIL: kiwilass@btinternet.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack - established relationship; angst
SPOILERS: None
SEASON / SEQUEL: Interminate - post 4
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Not a happy story, angst, male/female relationship
SUMMARY: Jack's thoughts one night.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors. Lyrics from 'Wait' by Sarah McLachlan from her album 'Fumbling Towards Ecstasy' used without permission. No infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: And no, there will be no sequel. This is just something that's been bugging me to be written, so I did. Thanks to Rach for reading it over for me - even if she isn't a shipper, lol.
***
Jack lay on his side, gently stroking the blonde hair of his friend and lover. Tonight had been the first evening they'd had to themselves for who knew how many weeks. They spent it relaxing as best they could, trying to take their minds off what was happening. They cooked dinner, downed a couple of bottles of wine, and fallen into bed to make love. It had been wild and intense, as though they were trying to justify everything they were going through.
But he was beginning to doubt it was truly worth it.
The strains of the Sarah McLachlan CD Sam had put in earlier came to him from the living room. She had become passionately attached to this particular album for some reason, and as he listened to the lyrics of this song, he suddenly understood why. It was practically written for them and their current situation - and him especially.
*Under a blackened sky
Far beyond the glaring streetlights
Sleeping on empty dreams
The vultures lie in wait
You lay down beside me then
You were with me every waking hour
So close I could feel your breath*
That described their relationship - past and present - perfectly. All those nights off-world secretly longing for each other, then finding out the attraction was mutual, leading to many nights off-world longing for something they knew they couldn't - shouldn't have. Then finally acting on their desire - love - for each other, only to be pounced on by those who had been trying to bring them down for years as soon as they had been naïve enough to think they wouldn't be caught.
*When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years*
Oh yes, that was it, that was them right there.
*Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
But to be consumed again
Oh I know would be the death of me
And there is a love that is inherently given
A kind of blindness offered to deceive
And in that light of forbidden joy
Oh I know I won't receive it*
And that was just it - if he stayed, she'd only come to resent him for all that had happened. He wouldn't have her love at all. He had started this; insisted that if they were careful they wouldn't be found out, came up with all the reasons why they should, and what they might lose if they didn't. Now they were in this mess. She said she didn't blame him, and he knew she sincerely believed that, but how long would it be before she did?
This court martial was taking its toll on them already. They had lost the respect and trust of their friends and colleagues, leaving them with only each other. They tried desperately not to take the strain out on each other, but sometimes it became too much. What would happen when they no longer could restrain themselves from saying words that should never be uttered?
He knew the final outcome of the trial already - he would ultimately lose everything he had and held dear. But there was no reason why Sam had to.
*You know if I leave you now
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
It's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this*
Exactly. She would be better off without him. Oh, sure, they would still face punishment, but if he left now, he might be able to protect and maybe save at least some of her career. It was the least he could do for forsaking his responsibilities as a commanding officer; for not being able to keep his personal feelings in check. Sam had been willing and able to; he should have been able as well. If he left now, it might go some way to making up for that. She'd be angry and hurt and feel betrayed, but eventually she'd come to understand that he did it for her, for the best.
Theirs was simply a relationship which was doomed from the beginning. It was time they faced that.
The song ended and Jack moved the covers back as gently as he could, and slowly stood up. He went to the draws and opened them quietly, taking only what he'd need for the next few days. Then he turned to find the clothes he'd shed earlier, putting them back on before finding a bag to put his things in. He stopped briefly in the bathroom to get his toothbrush, and to lightly run his fingertips across Sam's cheek. She stirred slightly and sighed.
"I'll always love you Sam," he whispered. Then he left before he lost his courage. He got as far as the front door before he heard her voice behind him.
"Jack? Where are you going?" she asked softly. He could hear the pain and distress in her voice and it almost killed him. She knew, and she knew him well enough to already know the reasons why. He hesitated, resting his forehead on the edge of the open door, his fingers white on the doorknob. He didn't turn; he knew that would be his undoing.
"I'm sorry, Sam. We both know this is the right thing to do," was all he could manage.
"No, we don't," she said, her voice stubborn and desperate. "Jack, please..."
"I'm sorry, Sam," he repeated, and closed the door behind him.
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