Untouchable
Untouchable
by JollySam
Title: Untouchable
Author: JollySam
Email: billiebox@hotmail.com
Category: Humor
Episode related: 501 Enemies, 502 Threshold
Season: Season 5
Pairing: Sam/Jack, UST
Rating: PG
Warnings: minor language
Summary: Trying my hand at humour. SG-1 get a little tipsy.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
OK, I've been told my 'friends' (!) that my fic is getting boring & my endings are awful - and all the same! To be fair, they could have a point! So, I'm gonna try a little bit of humour. However, I'm only every really funny when I'm drunk, so that's what they're gonna have to be! Kudos!
UNTOUCHABLE
"I can't see...Jack, there's two of you! Wow! How do you do that? Hic!" cried Daniel, as he slumped onto a sofa, in Jack's living room.
"Oh, Danny-boy, you're such a cheap date!" his friend answered, sitting down opposite him - noting that his own movements were not as smooth as he would've liked.
"Date? Hmm....haven't been on one of those for a long, long, long, long time...."
"Me neither, spacemonkey."
"What is that, anyway? Spacemonkey? I am not a space...a space...hic!"
"Maybe you shouldn't have that third beer."
"Oh, don't be an ass, Jack, you know I've had more than two!"
Jack had to concede that point - there were quite a few beers missing from his fridge by now. But he and Daniel had made a mutual agreement that tonight they were going to get totally and utterly obliterated on alcohol. The stress from the last few days had taken its toll - but now Teal'c was back to normal, and SG-1 was back in one piece. General Hammond had given them all some downtime, so Jack and Daniel had gone to Jack's for food and drink. They had asked Sam and Teal'c along, but the Major and Jaffa had replied that they would be busy.
"If Carter's in her lab, I swear to god..." growled Jack from the other side of the room.
"Ooh, lets find out, shall we?" Daniel exclaimed, his excited voice very nearly verging on a giggle. Jack sighed.
"No, Danny, she won't be there. I'm sure that she wouldn't have turned down a night with us to work on one of her little doohickeys!"
"You so sure, Jack? Maybe her and Teal'c had a little something to do together..."
Jack choked on the gulp of beer he had just taken. "What the?... Carter and Teal'c?! I don't think so, Danny - man, you're going senile long before your time!"
"Jealous, Jack?" The tone was slightly amused, as Daniel watched Jack walk straight into his trap.
"Me?! Jealous?!" Jack's voice slid up an octave. "Of who?!"
"Well, you and Sam...."
"Daniel."
"OK, OK," Daniel knew enough about Jack to know when to back off. He could be scary as hell when he was angry.
As Jack turned towards the TV, Daniel picked up the telephone. The alcohol in his blood was ordering him to do it, and he obeyed. The dialing tone merged into ringing after he had dialed the number of Sam's lab. Then...
"Carter here."
"Well, hiiiiii Saaaammmmm!"
Jack's head snapped round towards him before he could even blink, his jaw dropping as he saw that Daniel was on the phone. The damage was done now. Dammit, Daniel!
"Hi Daniel, you sound a little....inebriated," Sam was continuing.
"A little tiny bit! Why aren't you here? Where's Teal'c? Jack and I are all alone, and there are sooo many beers left in the kitchen... You shouldn't be in your lab - it's against the rules."
Sam couldn't stifle her laughter. She could almost hear the archeologist pouting.
"OK, Daniel, I've finished what I was doing now, and I sure Teal'c has to - do you want us to come over?"
"Ooh, yes pleeeeease!"
"Right, we'll see you in 15 minutes."
"We'll be here! Hic!"
"I'm sure you will." Then Sam hung up, shaking her head at how drunk Daniel could get so quickly.
"Danny, what the hell did you think you were doing?!" Jack shouted.
"Just finding out whether she was in her lab or not. She was. She laughed at me."
"I should think so to. So they're coming over?" he asked, trying to sound innocent.
"Yes, Jack, Sam is coming over."
"Danny...."
Sam knocked on Teal'c's door.
"Teal'c? May I come in?"
The Jaffa answered, and she walked inside.
"Major Carter, may I inquire after your injury?"
"Oh, I'll be fine, Teal'c - you needn't worry about me! Daniel and the Colonel are getting drunk, and they want us to go over to the Colonel's house to join them."
"Are you sure that you are well enough to go through the ritual loss of control that the Tauri persist in pursuing?"
Sam burst into a fit of giggles.
"Oh, yes, Teal'c. I believe I am quite well enough for that! You sure you're up for it?"
"Yes, Major Carter. Now that I have regained my place in SG-1, and have repledged my allegiance to the Tauri, I feel able to take part in any task. I will, however, not consume any alcohol."
"Of course not, Teal'c. I'll drive!"
Jack was pacing. He was actually pacing.
"Jack! Calm down! They'll be here soon!"
"Look, Danny, if you hadn't..."
Ringgggggggggg.....
"That's the doorbell, Jack."
"I know that Danny."
"Gonna answer it?"
"Of course I'm gonna...oh for crying out loud."
Jack stalked over to the front door, and opened it to find his two other team mates standing in shadow.
"Well," he began, stumbling slightly, "come in!"
He turned on his heel, not quite knowing how to react to his beautiful, SOBER 2IC being in his house whilst he was, well, blind drunk if he was being honest.
"Ummm....Sam?" Daniel spluttered.
"Yes Daniel?"
"What...what happened to your face?"
"Oh..." Sam touched her cheek gingerly. "Umm...well..."
"Major Carter and I were sparing, as I felt that I needed to release some excess energy. I managed to land a particularly successful hit on the side of her face."
"Jesus, Carter," O'Neill breathed - shocked that she would even consider fighting hand to hand with Teal'c.
"He needed to, sir. I couldn't leave the poor lockers to bear the brunt, now could I?" she replied, mocking him gently. "Mind if I help myself to a drink?"
"Sure thing."
2 Hours Later......
"That is so not true! I do have a social life...I have a good social life!" Sam shouted, defending herself vehemently.
"Rubbish, Carter! You sit in your lab all day long, figuring out ways to save the world, and our asses! You CAN'T have a social life!"
"That's true, Sam."
"I concur, Major Carter."
"I..."
"When did you last go on a date, Sam?" asked Daniel. "Jack and I were talking about it earlier, and we haven't been on any for ages and ages and..."
"Yes, Daniel, she gets the picture."
"Sorry, Jack."
Sam blushed slightly, and then suddenly her brilliant - if mildly fuzzy - brain devised a way to get back control of the conversation.
"Well, you lot don't need to date. You're always having too much fun with alien women to want human dates!"
The men in the room looked at each other in shock.
"That is not true," began Jack and Daniel in unison.
"O'Neill, did you not become physically intimate with a woman on Argos, where you began to age rapidly?"
"Yes, but..."
"And don't forget Laira, sir."
Ouch, that hurt, Carter.
"And Daniel," Sam continued, "what about you and all of your women!" Forgetting his feelings for a second, she began a list: "Sha're, that woman who gave you a sarcophagus addiction - god, I can't even remember her name, Kiera, Sarah...ok, so she was human, but now she's a...a...oops...sorry Daniel." She trailed off guiltily.
"Don't worry about it, Sam."
She jumped up from where she was sitting so that she could give him a hug. He reciprocated. Jack felt his jealously rise like bile in his throat. He swallowed it. It tasted bitter.
"I have not been in any such situations, Major Carter." Teal'c argued.
"Ahh, but you have had Drey'ac, and Sharn'oc."
"That is true."
"But what about you, Carter?" Jack countered. "Men are falling in love with you at every turn!"
"Yes, but I never get...intimate with any of them, do I?"
"But there was Narim, Martouf, Abu from Simarka, Orlin, Jonas......excuse me?? Initmate?!" he stuttered at the end of his sentence - realising what she had said.
"Well I am human, sir - I do have needs, you know."
"Yeah, but you're Carter! You're aloof, brainy, beautiful, classy, feisty......untouchable. No guy's good enough for you."
The silence stretched out. No one in the room moved, or even breathed for a few seconds. The Teal'c broke it.
"Major Carter, I do not believe that Daniel Jackson is well. I will drive him home in your car, with your permission."
"What? Oh. Yes, thank you Teal'c."
Daniel mumbled something incoherent as Teal'c lifted him up onto his shoulders and hoisted him outside.
"Goodnight O'Neill, Major Carter."
"Night, Teal'c."
"Goodnight, Teal'c."
Then there was silence again. Sam heard her car pull away, and she saw Jack shift in his chair, uncomfortably.
Silence.
Well done, O'Neill, now you've really blown it.
"So, Carter. A sparing match with TEAL'C?"
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