Childish
Childish
by Jolinars Memories
Title: Childish
Author: Jolinars Memories
Email: jolinars_memories@yahoo.com.au
Category: Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Warnings: minor character death, none
Summary: Sg1 go to this planet and are suddenly 12 to 13 year olds.why.nert nert nert
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Childish
Title: Childish
Author: Jolinars_memories@yahoo.com.au
Category: Humor.
Spoilers: if someone might tell me what that word means, maybe I can put something here other than this pointless drivel. Sequel/Season info: there is a sequel...hahahahaha! sorry...sob Rating: PG
Content Warning: May cause permanent brain damage from high levels of silliness. Length: 3676
Summary: hey! For once in your miserable life, why can't you just read the bloody story, instead of looking at the summary! Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are property of Stargate (II) productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment puposes only. No copyright infringement is intened. It may not be posted elsewhere with out the consent of the author. All other characters, the story idea and the story its self are tje sole property of the Author. I take no responsibility for mental problems or brain malfunctions caused by this story. I hope you have insurance.
~ Sam ~
It's solar flare season again. I need to make accurate calculations so we don't get sent back or forward in time. I can't do that with Jack babbling on in my ear. "Colonel please! Do you want to go time travelling again?" I asked. He stopped talking. His mouth wide open. Lt. Simmons came through the door and bumped Jack accidentally, Jack fell to the ground. His mouth shut over his tongue and cheeks. He screamed in pain. " Carter, give me a hand here I'm in pain," begged Jack pathetically. I helped him up. " Serves you right for being childish" I grinned " now leave me," " Yes master!" he said in a strange voice with his back hunched over like a lunatic. Some people never grow up.
~ Jack ~
Damn my mouth hurt!! Luckily it doesn't stop me from making my wonderful sarcastic comments. Sam had FINALLY finished her calculations. "We're off to see the wizard! Again," I joked. "O'Neill, the planet P4-H-9-294 has no wizards there, I believe you may confused with P8-X-798 which we visited last week," corrected Teal'c, doing that eyebrow thingy he does. "yes Jack, remember, 'the magical giant solar powered penguin wizards', you called them. They gave you a drink that made you lick the 'walls' and run around bumping into trees, saying you were a Taxidermist, that your temporary occupation was village idiot and that when we got home you would climb to the top of the Stargate and fall off it repeatedly, you said that you would take a holiday to Australia and go burn your butt under the sun to make it white and puffy. How you went around kissing the local wildlife and saying 'don't worry my friends I wont eat you, because I love you', and how you put Sam's spare undies on your head and kept on saying it was the air freshener of the future!! And how you put my glasses on your head and did an impression of me I wont repeat for reasons of my ego and sanity and my integrity," Daniel and Sam fell on the ground laughing at my past stupidity. " Well it wasn't my fault, the giant solar powered penguins tricked me!! I swear!! And what 'ego' might this be eh?....Besides Daniel you were no better.....ok, so you didn't go around kissing animals or put Sam's undies on your head, but that's not the point!! You dressed up in leaves and vines and danced around saying you were the fairy queen of the mystical forests of Tatooine! And you poured Ketchup down your pants!! For crying out loud!!" I lashed back. This time it was me and Sam who fell to the floor laughing. "Will you just get on with it SG-1" General Hammond snapped. "Yes MOTHER!" I told Hammond, I'll probably get a court-Marshall for that! I looked at the others "I'm not finished with you Daniel, when we get back, in the parking lot, lunchtime. And don't think you can get out of it just because you're in the military, Carter. I'll do you separately!" I could hardly keep a straight face. We got our act together and we eventually went through the Stargate.
~ Daniel ~
I looked down. My feet!! They were puny, well they were before this but now they were punier. So were my hands!! I looked around for a mirror. No mirrors in the middle of a forest, unless it was populated by very vain squirrels!! What happened? Where were the others?? A bush rustled behind me. A child stepped out from behind the bush. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She stared at me and said: "Daniel?" " Yes, I'm Daniel," I replied. Scratching my head in confusion. "It's me Sam. We are kids you know" She told me flat out. "Are we? How? Time Travel, Solar flare? What??" I asked still confused at our current situation. " But this planet isn't earth!" "Oh, Yah, We're kids alright. Rotten Ol' kids" Said a voice, I think it was Jacks. "Jack?" Sam and I asked together.
"Yes I am the one whom you call 'Jack'" He said in a slightly spooky voice. It was Jack all right. Sam giggled slightly.
"No it couldn't have been solar flares, so now the Colonel can't give me a lecture!!..." There was a long pause " Where's Teal'c?" " You just get out of a lecture and the first thing you say is 'where's Teal'c'?!?!" Jack rolled his eyes in disgust. " I think we are around twelve to thirteen years old." Sam ignored jacks stupid comment. We began to look around for the Stargate and Teal'c. WOW were we stuffed!
~ Jack ~
Okay, I'm twelve in a big forest, on another planet!! " Oh we're stuffed. Completely stuffed. So fu-" I was cut off!! Damn, I always take the opportunity to swear, it feels good. "Calm down!" We have each other" Daniel tried reassuring us. Didn't work though. "Oh right, why should I calm down!! I have a perfectly good reason to be whacko!!..........ok not a REALLY good reason but we ARE stuck here in the middle of a friggen forest on another planet and we still can't find the Stargate!" I yelled disturbing the silence of the forest, the 'birds' all flew away. The cold breeze swept across my face, lovely. "Like I said, we have each other," Daniel repeated. "Oh, right that's what you say now! Soon it will be 'Lord of the flies', macho man/woman, domanism and cannibalism. It will be the end of our world as we know it!!" I lashed out, I was really pissy for some reason, maybe the air, who knows. "Have you been reading books again, Colonel?" asked Sam, giggling with her cute face... What am I thinking I am in the military!! " I do not believe flies have lords O'Neill. Unless they are some Super-Fly with super intelligence." Said Teal'c. Well we found him. The forest towered above us, and now our complete group we continued to look for the Stargate, and a way to get us back to normal.
~ Teal'c ~
This is a very strange scenario.
"My Symbiote I carry is uncomfortable with the current situation, as am I," I said shifting my weight to my other foot, the forest floor crackled as I did so. "Yeah, and what do you expect me to do about it? Give junior a brain transplant... Actually that doesn't sound that bad. LET ME AT 'IM!" O'Neill ran for me and tried to tackle me, I just held my hand out and stopped him from going further. O'Neill loosened and stood back, expecting a punch or something. "No, just letting you know" I replied as if nothing had happened. We walked around the forest for a short time. O'Neill was speaking of strange things I never understand. Daniel Jackson and Major Carter seem to find him amusing. We came to a large clearing, full of yellow flowers. "It sure looks like earth," Daniel Jackson sneezed. "Too much," "Duh, so does almost every other world we visit, it kinda taints the excitement of going to another planet after a while, you know." O'Neill said, as we stepped onto the flowery grass. "What are we going to do sir??" asked Major Carter. "I don't know, Major, I don't know," sighed O'Neill. The team walked across the yellow field in silence.
~ Sam ~
"There doesn't appear to be any civilization here," Daniel stated the obvious. " Yes, but the probe sent back indications there was life on this planet," I said. "Trust a machine..." Jack grumbled under his breath, and rolled his dark brown eyes. We sat on the other side of the clearing where our weapons and packs were lying. Jack picked up his trusty submachine gun. He checked it wasn't broken or tampered with. " This is...Weird," Jack commented.
Daniel searched his pack, he usually kept Archaeological stuff in there, typical Daniel. " All my stuff's in my pack, I probably wont be able to carry it though, one hundred dollars worth of books down the drain," Daniel sighed. I wonder what was in Jack's pack. I walked over to his pack and knelt over it. I began to open it, Jack jumped in front of me and pushed me out of the way. He stared at me, I stared at him. I could see right over his head. "I'm taller than you!! Sucked in!!" I yelled in triumph. Jack just stared at me blankly. Strange kid. "Major Carter, it appears you have taken on the personality of a child, to match your physical appearance. We must become adults again, then get home," Teal'c put in. I never knew the kid had hair. We explored more of the large field over an hour. "I've got two legs from my hips to the ground, yeah, and when i move them they walk around, yeah. And when I lift 'em, they climb the stairs, yeah. And when I shave 'em they ain't got hairs. Yeah, yeah. I've got two- OUCH!!" I slapped him before he drove me INSANE. "Why can't I sing this wonderful song, I hope you people know I'm bored!!" "BECAUSE when you sing it, it doesn't sound wonderful!!" Daniel spat. "Yeah, Jack, bum!" me, Daniel and Teal'c said together. Teal'c said that? Maybe out personalities were turning into kids. "Okay, dudes, lets find a way out of this mess," Jack ordered, sounding like a child. We walked across the field, the wind blew across our faces, hope was still with us. Hopefully.
~ Jack ~
In the middle of the yellow field was a browny-grey circle with weird writing on it. We formed a circle around it in confusion. "Daniel. Do your thing," Me and Sam said together. " yes jack," Daniel muttered something pretty bad for a kid like him to say. Daniel was already halfway through the translation. Typical. " its says 'push the red button'," Daniel nodded, proud of himself. We looked around for the red button. Suddenly, out of the middle of the circle appeared a red glowing sphere. A button. We all went to push it, but we just bumped into one another. "I want to push it!" I said "besides something good might happen to whoever pushes this button, so, I'm willing to risk it," I pushed the button. Nothing happened. "Heaven forbid I should have any fun!" I groaned. My stomach rumbled, I was hungry, so I got out a chocolate bar. "Yes, heaven should forbid that," Daniel smiled. "Carter, you try," I ignored Daniel. She pushed the button. Nothing happened "Okay, Daniel you try," I said. He pushed the button. A large field of light surrounded us. We were pulled into the button and we found ourselves in a chamber with corridors leading out of it.
~ Teal'c ~
We walked around the chamber with our weapons ready. The floor was elaborately decorated. As was the walls. There was a circle in the middle of the floor, much like the one we got sucked into, except this device didn't have a button on it. "What should we do?" Asked Daniel Jackson. "We should split up, find a way out of this place," O'Neill scratched his smooth tanned face. "I'll go that way," Major Carter told O'Neill, pointing to a corridor on her left. "Okay peoples, keep your walkie-talkies on. Move out," O'Neill made a signal for us to leave the area. "Be careful," O'Neill winked at Major Carter, sheepishly she moved away. I walked down a dark corridor to my right. I was just about to light a flare when the walls suddenly lit up, fired by primitive oil torches. 'Spontaneous combustion," I told my self. The walls were decorated with beautiful pictures of animals and people of all ages and sizes. I turned a corner and the walls had pictures of death, destruction and alike. I turned another corner, the walls were covered with pictures, priests and enlightened people. I got out my walkie-talkie. "I think you people should see this, meet me in the main chamber," I spoke into the piece of Tau'ri technology.
~Daniel~
I walked into the main chamber, Teal'c, Sam and Jack were waiting. "Please explain!! Where have you been?" they asked in unison. Jack stared at me semi-serious. "er, um, well, if you really want to know, nature called if you know what I mean," Jack and Sam nodded, giggling. Teal'c just displayed an utterly confused face. "its a term used for going to pee or produce excrement. You understand that?" I said smugly. "oh," he nodded in acknowledgement.
"Puh!! Must have been some long piss! Is that why those huge water coolers in the SGC are always empty?" Sam Laughed. "For crying out loud, leave the guy alone," Jack said. "its not his fault he has a very weak bladder!" He grinned at me and winked. I wonder what he was thinking...Bastard. "So Teal'c, what was so important that you had to bring us back here? To this dump?" Sam asked with a mean tone. Not like her, maybe she was a snobby kid. Probably. "Come, see for yourselves," Teal'c signaled us for us to follow. Did I mention he had hair? He led us down a wide corridor, that was lit by oil torches. There were Assyrian or Babylonian pictures on the walls. Pictures of all differently aged people, animals and life. No writing strange. I made a face when we went around the corner to see death and destruction paintings. We turned another corner, the walls were covered in Spirits, gods, priests and alike. "Ahhh, Voodoo," Jack smiled. Sam smiled too. "Riiiight," I smirked.
"Are you smirking at me?! I said, ARE YOU SMIRKING AT ME!! STOP SMIRKING AT ME!!!" Jack said then started to howl with uncontrollable laughter. I don't get it. "Any one you know here?" asked Sam, kind of meanly. What was up her ass, other than shit... "well there's: Marduk, Adad and Astarte," I replied. This was weird, the first two gods were Babylonian but Astarte is a Syrian goddess. These people would be very interesting to talk to. "Anyone else?" Asked Jack, watching Sam roll her eyes. "Nup, not off hand anyway," I shook my head.
~ Sam ~
We walked out of the apocalyptic voodoo corridor, as Jack told me it was. Now he was a COOL kid!! The area in front of us lit up. There was a large pedestal. On it was a large blue, green, red and pink cube. It gave off a soft glow. Daniel was the first to look closely at the cube typical of that geek. It should be me, I'm the scientist! I sat down beside Jack on the dirty floor. He began to sing. "I'm to sexy for my khaki jacket, to sexy for my khaki jacket, too sexy for my khaki jacket, too sexy by far.....I'm too sexy for my wonderful submachine gun, too sexy by far!" I joined in, "we're way to sexy for the SGC, to sexy by far! We are way to sexy for Space Monkey over there inspecting that neon cube thingy, to sexy for space-" Teal'c Slapped us across the cheeks. "Ahhh!! OOWWWE!! Teal'c you bastard!" I yelled at him. He looked at me really hurt. Tears welled up in his eyes. Please don't cry! He cried. He sat slumped on the dirty floor with a marble effect and balled his eyes out. What a baby! Oh man! This was NOT like Teal'c at all. I jogged over to comfort him. "I'm very sorry Teal'c, I lost me cool," I apologised. I grabbed him and gave him a big warm hug. Jack put his hand on my shoulder, I turned and looked at him. He smiled at me. I slowly let go of Teal' and I fell into a warm embrace with Jack. My head sunk into his warm shoulder.....mmmm. I reluctantly pulled away then headed for Daniel. He thought I was going to attack him because he began to run away. I caught him and hugged him too. He kissed me on the forehead forgivingly. I looked at Jack, he was Jealous, I shrugged at him. "I'm sorry I've been a snob," I said moving a lock of hair out of my eyes. "Group hug!" Jack yelled excitedly. Jack ran at me, full speed. Oh, bloody hell. The others followed, the force of Jack and the others pushed me to the floor, I squirmed under the weight. The human ball was mangled while hugging and hugging and more hugging. Too much hugging! I got tired and fell into my friends arms.
~ Jack ~
That was fun. I looked at Daniel with a silly jealous look. He did the same to me. "Aye, aye, aye," I winked and grinned. He giggled. He went back to his night club neon lighting voodoo cube. I got bored. I paced up and down the hall humming the tune of Oops I did it again. Daniel looked at me as if I was fruity! Ha! He probably thought I was. "WELL, I'm NOT gay! But I might be soon if you continue to look at me like that!" I said stupidly. He quickly went back to his cube.
"Do you need help there Daniel Jackson?" a man stepped out of the shadows, wearing a blue tunic. He curtsied. Oookkkayy! "yes, how'd you know my name?" Daniel pushed his glasses up his nose. I scratched my butt. Sam rolled over and said something in her sleep. Teal'c just sat there. "I have been watching you for ages now. I know all your names. I also know that Daniel Jackson can't figure out this cube," The man smiled at us. "Yeah, what's your name?" I asked watching his every move. He was allot bigger than us. "I am Nebu, the keeper of the cube," Nebu continued to smile. I wonder could he be a pedophile? I gave a 'keep your distance' at Daniel, he obeyed. Sam and Teal'c had better be safe. "This cube was a toy for the last emperor to rule this planet. It can make you grow younger, age, die, replicate, meditate, deformed and become any mammal of your choice," the suspected pedophile continued to grin at us. I wonder if he took happy pills. "how does it work?" asked Teal'c, standing assertive as always. "Just put your hands on the sides and give it a command. It will reverse anything it has done to you. I don't know about death though, may do," Nebu laughed. He went back into the shadows. Disappearing. "Wait! Why were we turned into kids? How? We didn't touch the cube," Daniel asked, but it was too late, Nebu had gone. There was a disturbing silence for a few minutes. "I'll wake Carter, you can turn yourselves into adults first." I said. "k," that was all he said in return.
I walked over to the sleeping Sam. I knelt over her tranquil body. I shook her violently. "Carter, Carter, Sam, Wake up. CARTER!!" I shook her harder than before. She moaned and rolled over. "hmm, Teal'c I wonder if you kiss her on the lips she will wake up," suggested something Sam wouldn't like, haha, I am evil. "I am uncomfortable with that idea O'Neill," Teal'c protested. "Well, just because you're a Jaff'a doesn't mean you can get out of everything!" I snapped. Sam sat up fast, with a disgusted look on her face. "go away you gross and silly people," she coughed. "I'm not gross....I can be, but not now." I smiled. She stood up, she was a little drowsy. She began to fall, I came to the rescue and helped her up. She leaned on me and I took her to the cube. Daniel and Teal'c were already done. They looked down on us. "Civilians and aliens first, then ladies," I muttered. She stepped on a stair leading to the pedestal. I explained how to make her adult again. She put her hands on the cube and said" "Make me 34 again,"
She was turned into a bright light. She became an adult again. My turn. I put my hands on the cube. I blacked out. I woke up again, big, YEY, standing in the same place as before. "This is a neat little thing, but it should stay here for now," I said. "Okay lets find the Stargate and get out of here," as I gave the order everyone went to fetch their stuff. We were in the tapestry corridor in no time. I was first to arrive at the main chamber, the others braked next to me. "Ah, Jack. How do we get out?" Daniel asked as we stared up at the ceiling that loomed high above us.
~ Daniel ~
Nebu stepped out of a corridor, still smiling. "I will send you back to the Stargate," he touched a blue, red and gold device on his hand. I raised my sidearm.
I saw the Dial-Home-Device in front of me. I looked around for the others, they were behind me. "that was too easy, I don't like it," Sam said worriedly. "Hey, I am the skeptic here, I was supposed to say that," Jack grinned. "Did I ever tell you guys that.....I like Traffic lights?" Jack was still childish. I started dialing us home. I placed my hand on the red orb in the middle and the unstable wormhole exploded, then flattened out into its stable state. Sam sent the GDO transmission.
We stepped through the gate.
On the other side, General Hammond-who me, Jack and Sam secretly call Yabber Bum, was there to greet us. "Welcome back to planet Earth. Debriefing at 15 hundred hours," He ordered. "Yes Master!" We all said with our backs hunched over like bloody idiots. We'd probably get into trouble for that.
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