Circimstances
Circimstances
by Inspired_looney
Title: Circimstances
Author: Inspired_looney
Email: inspired_looney@ntlworld.com
Category: Angst
Season: future Season
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: language
Summary: What would happen if Sam just couldn't cope with working with Jack any more?
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
'Why does life have to be so complicated? I hate having to choose, but I don't have any other choice left. If I don't leave, it'll kill me to stay and if I leave, it'll kill me to go. I guess I could be asked to be re-assigned back to Washington, I wouldn't have to see him everyday, watch him, watching me, I could almost pretend he didn't exist. I'd still be involved, but from a distance, maybe that's the only way. I can't go on like this; it's killing me being so close, yet so far away. Knowing the one thing I want most in life, I can't have. I want a life, if that means not with him, so be it.'
Sam was sat in her lab, not concentrating on her work, not really caring anymore. She was almost in tears, so frustrated she wanted to pull her hair out, when he walked in, the cause of most of her problems.
"Hey Sam, whatcha doing?" he quipped
"Nothing" she remarked, suddenly turning away from him and trying to compose herself, unsuccessfully. He could see something was wrong, he thought it was obvious what the problem was, Sam knew he would have been shocked to discover what she was really upset about. The decision was made; she just had to get the courage to do it. "Sir, I'm sorry, I have somewhere to be, you'll have to excuse me," she said hastily. "Hey, what's up? You don't seem your usual self? Why you rushing off, do I smell or something." "I'm fine sir, you smell fine..." You smell more than fine, that's the problem "... I just have somewhere to be" And with that, she left. She had made the excruciating choice; she just had to get on with it now.
She wandered almost aimlessly around the corridors of the SGC, wondering for how much longer this would be her home. She was aiming somewhere, General Hammond's office, but she was in no rush to get there. She composed herself and knocked on his door. "Enter" he commanded "oh Major Carter, how can I help you?" Ok, here goes, "Well, Sir, the thing is, I need a transfer" He looked utterly confused, as if she had just asked him to kill her or something "May I ask why Major?"
"Personal reasons, I just can't be involved here on the base any longer." "Sam, " He looked at her like her father would, wanting the best from her and knowing at the same time, what she's asking for isn't what's best. "You are the world's foremost expert on the stargate, you are needed here." "I may know a lot about the technology, but most people around the base have a basic knowledge, anyway, if anything major happens, I'll just be at the other end of the phone." "Is there a problem within the team? If so I can transfer you to another one?" "No Sir, I just need to leave, please, put in my transfer request?" "How about taking you off any team, you can work as a consultant here on the base?" "No Sir, with all due respect, I want to leave the base, I don't want to be this involved with the program anymore." "Well Major, I don't pretend to understand what you are doing or why, but I'll put through the request. You'd best be ready for some more questions, the Pentagon isn't going to let you away from here without a fight." "Thanks Sir, but my mind is made up, If I don't get my transfer, I'll resign altogether." "Ok, Major, I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything." "Thanks, oh and please don't tell anyone about this, I would rather just leave without anyone knowing" "Ok Major, whatever you want."
'Ok, it's done, now I just need to get through the next few days and I'll be gone, I won't ever have to see him again.'
The briefing the next morning was as dull and boring as all briefings were these days. 'This new guy they'd brought in to replace Daniel was dry as a bone, at least Daniel had always had a passion for his craft, this guy seems almost disinterested' Just thinking of Daniel brought a lump to her throat, but she pushed it away and continued to listen, not daring to look at either the Colonel or the General, for fear they might see how scared and sad she was. The briefing ended finally, as she got up to leave, General Hammond's voice pulled her out of the Trance-like state she'd been walking around in for the past twenty four hours. "Major, a quick word please?"
"Yes Sir" her only reply.
His office seemed smaller than usual; the whole base had become claustrophobic almost overnight.
"Major, I put your request in yesterday just as you asked me to and got calls from various people as it was passed up the chain of command, all asking the same question, Why? I told them as you told me and told them of your threat to leave altogether if you weren't transferred off the base." "And what did they say?"
"Before this morning's briefing, the President himself called me" "The President, how did my request get that far, surely this should be settled within the Air Force?" "Well Major, if you'll let me finish"
"Sorry Sir"
"Sam, no-one knows more about the stargate or is more important to the program than you are. Dr Jackson may have figured out how to work it, but without your dialling device and all the other stuff you helped put together, we wouldn't have got as far as needing Dr Jackson's help. You are one of the most central parts to this program and it was felt at the Pentagon that we should do everything in our power to keep you here. The President was eventually called to authorise us to give you everything within our means to help you stay here. So, Major, what can we do to make you stay?" "Honestly, nothing Sir, I want to leave and if my transfer request won't be granted, I have no alternative. I'll go type up my resignation, gather my things and get out of your hair." "Major, Please, let us help you!"
"Sir, there is no problem for you to help with, it's personal, I just can't stay here anymore" "They are not going to authorise your transfer, but you can't really want to leave, this is your life, you love your work. I know it's not been long since we lost Dr Jackson, if you feel you need more time off, please take it, we'll do anything to keep you here Sam!" "Losing Daniel isn't the problem Sir, as I keep saying, I just need to leave. I need to resolve this today, I want out today! Am I dismissed?" "Ok, I'll make a few more calls, see if they will transfer you." "Thanks, Sir, I'll pack up my stuff."
As she looked around her lab, she realised that General Hammond was right. This was her life, her only love, other than the one she was running to escape. But she couldn't do this anymore, she couldn't be near him, smell him, fight with him, flirt with him, it was just too much now. She knew she would miss him, miss this, but she had to get out. She needed a life beyond the walls of the lab, the confines of the SGC, if this was the only way, she had to take it.
It didn't take long to pack up her things, considering she didn't really have any personal belongings here anyway, it only consisted of her work, all of which were confidential. Most of the stuff in her locker could be thrown away; she wouldn't need her fatigues again, or her old clothes she wore around here when she stayed, working late, which was too often. She rifled through her locker, throwing out most of her stuff, soaps, shampoo, clothes, till she came to that top. Her old grey tank top. She hadn't worn it in almost five years. 'It had been in the first year of the program, we contracted that virus on, oh where was it? Oh who cares, that was insane. I just remember thinking, God I want him, not much has changed, at least now I don't act on it!' Sam closed her eyes and thought back to that day, she could still feel his lips on hers, even if she was the one initiating it. She could still remember what he said "not like this" it was those three little words that stuck with her, would he want her if it hadn't been for the virus? What if he'd come down with the virus just five minutes earlier, she would have had him.
Sam was so engrossed in her memories of that day that she didn't see him come in. She didn't notice him standing there looking at her, wondering what had her so engrossed. He saw the shirt and knew immediately what she was thinking, because now he was too. The feel of her on top of him, kissing him, he closed his eyes and could see and feel it all again. It turned him on just to think about it. He snapped out of it at the sound of someone calling his name, it was her, the woman of his dreams. "Sir" she said, a little louder
"Carter, hey, what you doing?"
"Just having a bit of a clear out, I'll be out of your way in a minute." She looked at the shirt again and tossed it in the bin. It was a memory of him and he was her past. She emptied the last of her locker, tossing most in the bin, a few in her bag as he looked on, "Carter?"
"Yeah"
"Why have you completely emptied your locker? Going somewhere" "Just don't need this stuff anymore,"
With that, she got up, looked at him one last time and left, she didn't even say goodbye, she couldn't. All he could do was stand and watch as she walked away from him, a pained look in her eyes. He pushed the thoughts from him mind and went for a cold shower. 'It doesn't matter how long ago that was, the memories from that damn top still make me quiver.' He had to quash those thoughts, at any cost.
It was 1700hours, end of the day, time to go see General Hammond again, find out her fate. She tentatively knocked at the door, all her belongings in a bag in one hand, her resignation in the other. "Enter" came quietly from the other side of the door She walked in, not daring to look him in the eye. "Well?" she inquired
"I'm sorry Sam, we'll do anything we can to keep you here, they won't transfer you, I'm sorry" "I'm sorry too Sir, here's my resignation." "Sam, I'm not going to process this for a while, I'm putting you on leave for a month, see how you feel after that, if you want to come back, your place will be here." "Sir, I don't want to go on leave, I've made up my mind, please don't make this any harder than it already is. Process it today, now, please?" "If you're really sure Sam, I'll do it now." "Thanks Sir, it has been a pleasure working with you." "Goodbye Sam,"
"Goodbye Sir"
She had a lump in her throat as she walked away, out of his office and out of the base for the last time. She savoured everything. The horrible smell of the cafeteria food. The windowless rooms and corridors. The long ride to the surface above. She passed through the security one last time, only this time when she left, she left her pass behind, she would never return to this place again.
She managed to hold herself together until she got home, the tears welling in her eyes, obscured her vision as she drove, but she knew if she stopped, her emotions would get the best of her and she couldn't allow that to happen.
She parked the car and slowly walked up the stairs, unlocking the door and closing it behind her. She got no further; she collapsed in floods of tears, right there, on the floor. She made the decision, no one forced her, but then why did she feel so bad? She was never going to see him again and as much as being so close to him every single day was slowly killing her, the thought of not being able to see him was tearing her apart, just that little bit faster.
It seemed like hours before she was able to move. Her limbs ached, she felt sore all over and surprisingly rather weak. She was tired; the hours of sobbing uncontrollably behind her door had left her exhausted, as well as all the traumas of the day. She steadied herself and thought about making it to bed, but it didn't happen. She sat down in her comfy chair and fell asleep.
She was still curled up in her comfy chair, sound asleep, dreaming of him, as SG1 assembled on the ramp, the next day, for their latest mission.
Jack was getting impatient; they were only waiting on Sam, what the hell was taking her so long. General Hammond entered the gate room, Major Feretti following behind. Jack eyed him carefully; he was dressed for a mission, kited out in full fatigues. "Hey Sir, what's going on? Where's Carter?" Jack asked inquisitively. "Major Carter won't be joining you for the foreseeable future, I'm assigning Major Feretti in her place." "What's going on? Is she ill?" Jack looked puzzled, why was his second in command not here, she never missed a mission. Then he realised. When he'd seen her in her lab, just two days before, she'd been upset, then just yesterday, she was cleaning out her locker, had she left the SGC? "SG1, you have a go for a standard recon mission to P3X 999, Good luck" General Hammond dismissed them, obviously not wanting more questions about Sam, he still wasn't sure what was going on, but if he thought he was going to get away that easily, then he was wrong. Jack had to know, had to find out what had happened to Sam. "Hold it guys, I'll be back in a minute." He said to the rest of the team and they looked as puzzled as Jack himself did. But Jack was more than puzzled; he was worried, not only about his second in command, but about what he would do if he could not see her everyday. That was his only lifeline, if he couldn't have her as his lover, he could at least be close at work. But on the other hand, if she had quit, it wasn't against regulations anymore, at this though, he was suddenly excited. "Sir, wait a minute, Where is Sam? What's going on? She's never missed a mission before." "Jack, just go, I'll fill you in on what I know when you get back, that's an order!" "Sir!!"
"Jack, GO!"
"Ok, see you in a few hours."
With those last few words, Jack joined the rest of the makeshift SG1 in the gate room and they embarked on their latest mission.
Thankfully the mission passed without event. Feretti collected soil samples, just like Sam used to do. The other new guy did Daniel's old job, just with none of his enthusiasm for it. Jack and Teal'c did their usual keep an eye out, have a look around, but there was nothing there to see. No people about, no fancy things to keep them interested, nothing.
They went home on time, nothing exciting to report. "Get yourselves cleaned up, we'll debrief in one hour." From the look on Jack's face, General Hammond could tell, he wasn't going to wait any longer for an answer. "Ok, Jack, my office." "Yes, Sir."
General Hammond had been thinking of nothing since Sam had left, except how was he going to tell Jack. "Well?" Jack prodded,
"All I can tell you is what I know, Sam wanted a transfer off the base. I told her she probably wouldn't get it, so she said she'd quit if she didn't get it. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong, just said it's personal, but I couldn't get the transfer, so she left last night. I'm sorry Jack, I know it's hard losing two members of your team in such a short space of time, but I don't know what else to do to get her back." Jack was shell-shocked. He thought she had quit totally because of Daniel, but she actually wanted transferred? Why? She loved her work, nothing else could satisfy her, she'd told him so herself. This was her baby, Daniel may have deciphered the symbols, but she did all the main stuff, how could she just leave? His brain seemed to stop functioning on a normal level, all he could think of were all the times she'd been upset lately and pushed him away. He knew he could have helped her, if only she'd talked to him. Why hadn't she talked to him? He was once again awoken from his Trance by his name being called, "Jack, are you ok?" General Hammond was worried; Jack looked like he was going into shock. General Hammond was nearly on the phone to the infirmary when Jack spoke to him. "I don't know why she's gone, but I'll find out, I'll go straight after the debrief." "Ok, well, go get yourself cleaned up and get checked out by the Doctor Fraiser, I'll see you at the debriefing."
With that, Jack left. He made his way to the locker room, looking almost dazed. He went in and everywhere he looked, there were images, memories of her. He looked down to the benches where Sam had attacked him when she was suffering with the touched virus. Where she had sat just the day before, holding that top, obviously thinking back to that day. He couldn't believe she was gone, he felt as though she had died and along with her, a part of him was gone forever. He sat there in silence, unable to believe what she had done; not knowing why she had done it, it was all so confusing. His movements were slow, undressing and showering, always with her, in his mind's eye. He sat silently in the infirmary, letting Dr Fraiser do the usual tests and post-mission physical. She knew there was something wrong, something different, but being Colonel O'Neill, she had a feeling he wouldn't share, so she didn't try.
Debrief seemed to drag on, he wasn't sure he really wanted it to end, he had no clue what he was going to say. He didn't really hear a thing that was said he just sat, staring at his hands. He didn't even realise it was over, he was still sitting there, staring at nothing when the others got up to leave. Teal'c had noticed he was unusually quiet, he stayed a second to ask him "O'Neill, is there a problem?"
The sound of his name pulled him out of his daydream, "No, Teal'c, I'm fine, thanks,"
"Thank you Teal'C, You're dismissed" General Hammond commanded. "As you wish," Teal'C replied, and swiftly left. "Jack, just one more thing before you go, I offered to put her on leave for a month, she told me to just put her resignation through straight away..... Don't tell her, but I couldn't do it. I knew you would want to talk to her, I'm hoping that you could change her mind." "I'll try, I've got to go, I'm off all weekend, so I'll see you Monday." "Ok, Jack, good luck, don't forget, we'll do anything in our power to keep her here, whatever it takes." "Thanks,"
And with that, Jack left, heading for the surface, unsure of what he was about to do. He was leaving with two clear objectives, find out why she left and find out how he could be with her. The second was a little fuzzy, she could stay out of the airforce and they could be together. God how he'd love that, just to be able to hold her and kiss and her, feel her skin next to his, for him, that was his idea of heaven. Or, alternatively, he could talk her into coming back, that way he could go on, admiring her from a distance, till the time came when they could be together. What he really wanted, he wasn't sure. He wanted her so badly, but his work with the SGC didn't seem to mean as much to him without Daniel and Sam.
'Anyway' he thought, 'This is all just speculation, until I know why she left, I don't know what would be best for her, I got to remember this is about her, not me!!!'
He drove slowly, unusual for him, he very rarely observed the speed limit, but today was different. He wanted to see her, to find out what was going on, but at the same time; he didn't want to get there. He didn't want to find out that she'd thrown her career away, because of him, he didn't want to believe it, but the look in her eyes the other day when she was daydreaming, holding that shirt, how could it be anything else.
He slowly rounded the corner, into her street, parked behind her car. He looked up at the house, all seemed quiet and normal, but this was no normal day.
He sat there, in his car, in front of her house, for what seemed like an eternity. He finally got up the courage to get out and go in. His legs shook as he walked up the path. He had no idea what he was going to say to her, but he knew he had to try. His hand was shaking as he reached up to ring her bell and inside, she was jolted out of her dream.
She hadn't moved from her seat, spending half her time sobbing, the other half sleeping after wearing herself out. She was starting to feel numb when the bell rang. She had been daydreaming again, looking back over all her memories of him, the day they met that first mission. All the way through to all the times they faced certain death and ended up saving the world. Looking back now, it seems scary. The number of times she had nearly died, all the things that had happened in the last five years, but somehow, at the time, she was never scared, she always knew, he'd be there to save her, or she him. She loved him more than life itself, but if she had to live without him to have some semblance of a life, then that's what she has to do.
The ring of her bell woke her from her dream like state, 'Who's that,' She wondered, 'I'm really not in the mood for people, I'll just ignore it.' The ringing was insistent, whoever it was wasn't going to go away in a hurry. 'Oh just go away, I don't want to see anyone!!!!' But they weren't leaving. The next sound came from her window, a knock followed by a voice "Carter, you in there? Answer the Door" 'Oh great, just who I don't need to see, he'll never understand.' "Carter I'm not going away till you open the door, I'll break it down if I have to!" 'He wouldn't, would he? No, he'll think I'm not in and leave, he wouldn't break into my house.'
She prayed she was right, the one person in the world she couldn't dare to see right now was him. She hadn't moved since she slumped herself in her seat last night, she was a mess, she definitely didn't want to see him.
"Ok Carter, here's the deal, I know you're in cause your car is here, if you don't answer this door right now, I'll assume something is wrong and break it down, I'm going to count to ten, ok?" 'Great, there is no escaping him, he really is crazy enough to break down the door.' "One"
"Sir, just go away, I don't want to see anyone!" "Two"
"Sir Please"
"Three"
"You break my door you're paying for a new one" "Four"
'Damn it, he's not going'
"Five"
'I like my door'
"Six"
'Who cares, I'm moving anyway'
"Seven"
"Sir, you break in, I'll call the police." "Eight, Carter you wouldn't dare."
"Wouldn't I, Holding the phone now, Go AWAY!!!!" "Nine, Carter, call them, I'll tell them the truth, I was worried about you since you just quit your job for no reason." "Sir, You wouldn't dare"
"Ten, open up Carter, I will break in!" "Ok, Ok, give me a minute till I find my key." "Fine Carter, but I'm not going anywhere."
She knew exactly where her keys were, but she had to at least try and make herself look remotely presentable if she was going to convince him she'd made the right choice, for the right reasons, even if she wasn't sure.
She'd left the base in jeans and a tank top, with nothing but her bag. She went into the bathroom and tidied up her hair and straightened up her clothes, washed her face and looked in the mirror, 'As presentable as I'm going to get I guess.' She walked to her door, picked her keys up off the floor, where she'd just dropped all her stuff the night before, and opened the door. "Hey Carter, about time too!"
"Sir, what do you want?"
"I want to talk to you"
"About what?"
"Why have you left the SGC."
"With all due respe.... No, you know something, fuck respect, you're not my commanding officer anymore, I don't take orders from you anymore and I sure as hell don't need to explain myself to you. My life is no longer any of your business. Goodbye, Jack."
With that she started to slam the door in his face, but he was too strong for her, he pushed the door open again, pushing Sam into the wall with it, then squeezed into her house.
"Ok Carter, here's the deal, I'm here, I'm going nowhere until you talk to me, so if you want to get me out of here quicker, talk, otherwise you're putting up with me for the foreseeable future." "Fine, stay there till you starve, I don't have to talk to you, I don't want to, I'm not going to, end of story. Now I'm going for a shower, I expect you to be gone by the time I'm finished."
With that she left the room, headed for her bathroom. 'Oh god he smelled so good, I hoped he wouldn't do this, he shouldn't have come here, oh god, how am I going to get rid of him'
She turned the shower on and sank down behind the door, sobbing once again. Down the hall Jack was cursing himself, 'I should've been more prepared, how the hell am I going to get her to open up, she's so defensive right now.' He walked up the hall to the bathroom door, intending to wait till she came out and corner her, give her nowhere to run to, just keep pushing until she gives in. 'But oh god, I hate to see her like this, she's so upset and I just want to put my arms around her and hold her, keep her safe and tell her everything will be ok, I wish she'd let me.'
He reached the bathroom door and heard her there, sobbing. He knocked lightly on the door, "Hey Carter, what's wrong, you ok?"
"I'm fine," Sam replied between sniffles, "Will you just go away and leave me alone." With that, he'd had enough, she was extremely upset about something, he'd never seen her like this before, he couldn't just stand by and watch, he was going to help her, even if she didn't want it, she was getting it. He pushed at the door slightly, there was something blocking it, "Sam, are you sitting behind the door?" "Jack, go away!"
"Sam, I'm going to push this door open, I'm worried about you and you're going to talk to me now, whether you like it or not. I suggest you either open the door, or move so I can push it open." He pushed lightly at the door again and this time it opened.
Steam poured at him, making it difficult to see at first, but he persisted and eventually saw her, as he never had before, looking completely downfallen and vulnerable. By now she was sitting on the side of her bath, the shower still running. Her tear stained face refusing to look at him. She had to hold it together, get rid of him, even if it meant making him think she hated him, it seemed like her only option. "Ok Sam, what the hell is going on?"
She stood up, as controlled as she could, reached behind her and turned off the shower. She looked up at him, seeing those big brown puppy dog eyes, she just wanted to break down in his arms, but she knew she had to be strong. She mustered all the hatred she could, before almost spitting the word to him. "I don't know why you're here, or why you think you have a right to force yourself into my house and treat me like this. I am not in your second in command anymore and I don't need to take orders from you. My life is exactly that, my life, I don't want you here, I don't want to ever see you, speak to you or hear your name again as long as I live. Now, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!"
He had recoiled slightly as she had started her torrid of words to him, but as always with his second in command, her eyes gave her away. She was aiming for hatred, but pain and sadness was all that was there. "Sam," he said softly, "If I truly believed a word you have just said to me, I'd turn around and walk out of here without saying a word, but you can't fool me, I thought you'd know that by now. Five years we've been working together. Five years, fighting side by side to save the world. Five years of not knowing what was to come or what dangers we were going to face next. I've lost count of the number of times we've nearly died and the number of times you've always been there to save my life. You thought that by shouting at me, all but telling me you hate me would make me leave. But that's not good enough. You see Sam, in five years, you've kept your emotions in check, when you were angry at me, when you were sad about something, when something really excited you always keep your face neutral, but it's your eyes, Sam, your eyes defy you." Listening to him talk to her, so soft and gentle and, oh so him, her resolve melted. She slid down the side of her bath and slumped on the floor. The tears that had been threatening since he came into the bathroom finally were overflowing, one at a time. Just one single, solitary tear, coming over her eyelashes, slowly making it's way down her check and catching at the side of her mouth. Another one followed, then another, then another, running down her face, some catching at the corners of her mouth, some sliding right down to her chin. She didn't dare look up at him; for fear that she'd not let him go. She still knew she had to, but how? Telling him she hated him wouldn't work; maybe all that was left was the truth. It broke Jack's heart to see her so upset, all he wanted to do was put his arms around her and hold her, but he didn't dare, in case she pushed him away again. He sat down next to her, facing her. He reached his hand over and lifted her chin, so she was looking straight into his eyes. He dried her tears with his hands, which made more overflow. "Sam, please let me help you!" he was pleading with her. It was upsetting him to see her like this, so much so, he could feel the tears stinging his own eyes, but he was desperate to hold onto the little control he had. She stared into his eyes, she could see the hurt in them, and it looked almost like grief, like someone had just died. She hated seeing him like that and decided to give in and tell him why she left, at least, mostly why she left, she had no intentions of telling him how much she cared about him. "Look, Give me a little time to get myself together, have a shower, get cleaned up and I'll tell you everything, deal?" "Sure this isn't an excuse to get more time to think up more excuses?" "I promise"
"Ok, I'll wait in your living room."
"Sure, there's beer and food in the kitchen, help yourself." Thinking about food made her realise, she hadn't eaten all day and was, in fact, starving, "On second thoughts, can you go for a pizza? There is this great little Italian on the corner, they do a great veggie pizza." "Ok, only if you promise not to lock me out?" "Take the keys, they're in the back of the door, lock it on your way out." "Anything specific you want or don't want?" "Just tell them it's for me, they know what I like, take off anything you don't like." "Ok, I'll be back soon."
He dragged himself away, wary of leaving her in the state she was in, but she would recoil back into herself if he didn't at least try and co-operate with her. So, with a last look, he left.
She sat on that floor for what seemed like an eternity, trying to decided exactly what to tell him, exactly what he wanted. How was she going to get through this? She eventually pulled herself up, turned the shower back on, her movements slow, almost unsure. She stripped her clothes, slowly, dropping them on the floor, one at a time. She stepped into the shower and let the hot water run down her skin. She put her head under the stream and let the water wet her hair. She ran her hands through her hair and let the water hit her shoulders. The tension in her seemed to drain away with the water. The knots in her neck and shoulders were massaged away by the hard stream of water. She was lost in her thoughts and the massaging water; she didn't hear him come back into the house. She had lost all track of time. He'd been gone for at least thirty minutes and when he came back into her house, he could still hear the water running. "Sam" he called, but got no answer.
He started walking towards the bathroom, "Sam" he called, just a little louder, still no reply. He got to the bathroom door and he didn't need to call for her again. She was standing there, plain as can be, letting the water wash away the agonies of the last few days. He was in two minds now, she looked so peaceful, the best he'd seen her look since he arrived, he didn't really want to make her move, but she'd been in there for about thirty minutes, and the pizza was getting cold. He could see her outline through the frosted glass door, so perfect and curved, so beautiful. He wished he could just join her in the shower, help make her more relaxed, but that wasn't why he'd come here. He turned away, facing out from the bathroom, "Sam," he called, this time she turned. "Oh, hey, I didn't hear you come in. There is beer in the fridge, open up some and I'll be five minutes." "Ok,"
She turned off the shower and grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her while she got a smaller towel to rub her hair. She started to get dried when she heard his voice from the hall, "Hey Sam, you got loads of different kinds of beer here, any preference?" "Which ever is strongest" was her only reply. He laughed at that, it was typical Sam.
The summer sun was starting to fade, casting a warm orange/red light over Sam's house. As Jack looked around the room in this new light, he thought it almost looked romantic, as if the sun was trying to tell him something. Sam noticed this as well, but knew she had to be strong. She had made her choice and she was sticking to it. She finished getting dried, and with the towel still hanging from around her, she walked to her bedroom to get dressed. "C'mon Sam, this pizza is getting cold." "I'll just be a minute."
She looked around for something to wear, knowing, the right clothes could set the tone of the conversation that was to come, she wanted to be casual, but definitely not sexy, in any way shape or form. She had noticed more than once, the looks Jack gave her when he thought she didn't see and knew exactly what kind of clothes would turn him on and as much as she would have loved that, ultimately, that was not her goal. She selected a pair of old faded jeans, that hung rather loosely over her hips, she matched this with a baggy sweater that hid the beautifully formed body that Jack adored so. She pulled a brush through her hair and glanced in the mirror, before joining him in the kitchen for some food.
He watched her as she walked towards him, her old baggy clothes doing nothing for her gorgeous figure, but still turning him on. She looked so comfortable in them, so at ease, which made her look sexy as hell, 'Probably not the look she was going for' ran through his mind.
"Oh God I'm starving, didn't realise how hungry I was until I smelt that Pizza" Sam remarked as she picked up a slice and began shoving it in her mouth. Her usual grace gone, she just wanted food and she wanted it now. She ate one slice after another, pausing only to swig her beer. Jack looked on in silent amazement. She was shovelling the pizza into her mouth, with no thought to him sitting there, it wasn't like her. She was almost eating like a typical guy. Dropping toppings and cheese hanging everywhere. He smirked at her and she looked up at him, a smile on her lips, "What" she asked, pizza still in her mouth. Jack just laughed, "Nothing" he replied, a smile erupting on his lips as well.
Sam finished the slice she was on, took a slug out of her beer and slowed down. "Sorry, I was hungry, haven't had anything to eat in a while." "Why not?"
"Erm.... Well..... It doesn't really matter." "I'm not buying that today Sam. You asked for a transfer from the SGC, you didn't get it, you quit. I don't understand it Sam, you love you're work." "Look, I get you're worried about me, but really I'm fine. Yes I loved my work, but I don't want that anymore. I want to change my life and if leaving the SGC is the only way to do that, then so be it." "Change your life? Why would you want to do that? I thought you loved your life?" "I did but... you are not going to leave until I tell you are you?" "Nope, might as well just get it over with." A small smirk appeared on his lips, he had won, she had given in, he was honestly starting to doubt he'd get her to this point." "Ok, I tell you then you go?"
"Well, I've had two beers, and it is kinda strong, so I'll need to sober up first." "Fine, but no comments, no suggestions, deal?" "Deal."
"Ok, well......Do you know how many dates I've had in the last five years? Well I'll tell you; I've been out with four guys, four. You realise we've saved the planet more in the last five years than I've had dates? I want a life. I want to be able to come home at night and for someone to be here when I come and I want to be able to discuss my life with them." Sam was desperately trying to keep control, of both her voice and her face. She couldn't let her eyes once again give her away. Jack was watching her, amazed and at the same time, not surprised. The very nature of their work meant it was difficult to date and Sam was a young woman with her whole life ahead of her, he couldn't deny her the chance to live it to the full. "I'm so sorry Sam, I had no idea you felt like that." "Yeah, well, you were my CO, it was my job to not show emotion." "Yeah, but Sam, I would hope that I am also your friend. I thought you knew you could talk to me." "I couldn't Jack. I had to deal with this myself. No matter what else we are or aren't, you were my CO and I had to keep this to myself. I tried to make it work and I know what we do is really important, but I'm not getting any younger. We risk our lives almost daily and even though it's probably the best job in the world and the most worthwhile job, I want more. It may be selfish of me, but I can't help it." With that, her voice cracked. It was the truth, half way at least, even if she could have managed without the boyfriend and the kids she so desperately longed for, she couldn't stand seeing him everyday, knowing she wanted him to be the boyfriend and father the kids. He noticed her voice failing her. He reached his hand over the table and placed it on top of hers. Her eyes jerked up and met his. She could see nothing but care and worry there, which touched her heart, but she couldn't become any more vulnerable to him Slowly, she withdrew her hand; never taking her eyes from his until it was far enough away. She lifted her bottle of beer and finished it. "You finished?" she asked, not daring to look at him, "Yeah,"
She lifted his bottle and put them both in the bin. She cleaned up the empty pizza box and wiped the unit where they'd been sitting. She did anything to avoid looking at him. "You want another beer?"
"Yeah, but you should have a coffee, you've still got to drive home." "Nah, I want another beer."
"You sure you'll be able to drive home?" "Well, put it this way Sam, I am NOT leaving, until I'm sure, that you are OK. So that is going to be no time soon. I can start to sober up when I actually believe you are fine." "Jack, I'm fine and even if I wasn't, it's not your problem anymore. I'm not your second in command, I don't even work anywhere, let alone on something even remotely related to what you're doing, so it is not your concern." "Sam, it is my concern, whether you like it or not, I care about you, a lot more than just as my second in command. I know you, I'll know when you're ok and I'm going to worry until you are ok, so get use to it, I'm not going anywhere."
She realised this was a battle she wasn't going to win and let it drop. He took two more beer from the fridge, opened them and gave her one. She still hadn't met his gaze since she moved her hand from his and he had noticed that.
"Sam, I didn't make you uncomfortable earlier, did I?" She knew instantly what he meant, because he had made her extremely uncomfortable. She couldn't be this close to him, it wasn't safe. "I guess a little. For five years now you've been my CO and you weren't allowed to do something like that, that simple little gesture could have gotten you in so much trouble. I'm still not used to the fact that it's not against the rules anymore." When she finished what she was saying, she realised just what she had said. It wasn't against the rules, that was true, but she had said it like she wanted that from him, which, ok, she did, but she didn't want him to know that. "Sam, I'm sorry. I saw you were upset and I wasn't thinking rules and regulations, fact of the matter is, whether you were still my second in command or not, if I saw you upset, I'd try to comfort you. You were always just too good at hiding your emotions."
She took a drink from the bottle he had handed her and moved to sit in her living room. He sat down on the couch and she took a seat in her comfy chair, where she had spent the previous night and most of that day, until he'd shown up.
They sat in silence. Neither one of them was daring to speak first. Neither one really knowing what to say next. He knew the reason she had given him for quitting was a good and valid one, but he didn't buy that as being the full story. He had a feeling there was something more going on. They finished their beer in silence. She had spent the last ten minutes staring at the floor, not daring to lift her head, scared that her eyes would give away her true feelings. When the beer was finished, she decided she wanted something stronger, this was just not numbing the pain enough. She stood up and in doing so, startled him slightly. He had gotten used to the silence that surrounded them. It wasn't easy, but being with her like this had never been easy, other thoughts had always been on his mind, as much as he had tried to deny them and push them away, they were always there, as they were now. He looked up at her as she stood. She moved slowly and gracefully back to the kitchen. He assumed she was going for another beer and just went back to drinking his, slowly, as he suspected, he would not get another. In the kitchen, she had taken a glass from her cupboard and a bottle she had kept well hidden. It was a bottle of Jack Daniels, unopened. Her brother had given it to her the previous Christmas, but she wasn't a heavy drinker, beer was her normal limit, but this situation called for something more. She pulled the lid off and slowly poured some into the glass. She swallowed it hard and fast. The liquid burnt her lips, mouth, throat and stomach on the way down, but that didn't deter her. She poured another and drank that too, then another and another and another. She turned to look at Jack, sitting peacefully in her living room, blissfully unaware of the damage he had caused her, just by being so damn handsome, kind, generous, sweet, loving, giving, and a million other choice words she could use to describe the man she loved, yet could never have. She couldn't stand seeing him. She wished he would just go. She poured another drink and as she raised it to her lips, her hands suddenly felt like butter and both the glass and the bottle slipped and landed on the floor. At the sound of the sudden crash and breaking glass, Jack jumped. He looked into the kitchen to see Sam standing there, staring down at her feet, with broken glass all around. He went straight to her. There was blood on the floor and she looked pale, almost ghostly white. For a minute he thought she had done something, something he would never forgive himself for, but then he noticed, her hands by her sides, with no blood coming from them. He was so relieved, but wondered, what the hell had happened? "Sam, what happened, I thought you were getting another beer." Then he noticed it. The distinct smell, he knew all too well. "Sam, this is not the way to convince me you are ok? Drowning your sorrows, it really doesn't help." She looked almost like she was in shock. With a quick move, he leaned over the glass, put one arm around her shoulders, another at her knees and lifted her up over the glass. This quick and unexpected movement seemed to shake her from her trance. "What.... What's going on, what happened?" "You were going crazy with a bottle of JD, I guess you dropped it?" He placed her gently down on the couch and sat down at her side. "Oh, yeah, right...... oh, my feet hurt!!!" "Yeah, I'll bet, dropping a glass bottle when you have bare feet, not a smart move. You got some first aid stuff, we'll get you cleaned up?" "Em, yeah, bathroom, in the cabinet."
The effect from the Jack Daniels was slowly wearing off as the pain in her feet intensified.
Meanwhile, Jack was standing over the sink in her bathroom, unsure of what to do next. 'What the hell was she doing? She never drinks hard liquor, never, what was she thinking of? This must be worse than I thought.' He was getting more and more worried about her as the night went on. As she had said herself, the stargate was her life, it was all she had, now that she had quit what was she going to do? Drink herself into a stupor? He sure as hell wasn't going to let that happen to her. He looked into the cabinet and took out some antiseptic, some bandages, a cloth and a pair of tweezers, just in case there was any glass still stuck in her feet. He found a small bowl and filled it with some hot water. He took all the things he needed and carried them to the living room where he laid them down on the coffee table, before looking over to see Sam lying there, sound asleep.
He almost didn't have the heart to wake her. She looked so sweet and innocent, lying there, fast asleep. Her blond hair half covering her eyes, her lips with a sweet smile, she actually looked almost happy, for the first time since he'd arrived. She'd been smiling and laughing when they were eating, but he could still see her eyes then, there was pain and hurt and sadness in them. They were shielded now, by the soft lids that protected them and lying like that, she almost looked angelic. That was until you smelt her breath. The smell of the alcohol was over powering and not the nicest smell in the world. He looked down to her feet, could he possibly clean them without waking her? He doubted it. He could see pieces of glass still embedded there and it would hurt when he removed them. "Sam," he whispered into her ear. "Sam, come on, you need to wake up, we need to clean your feet," She stirred gently, making a slight moaning sound, but never opened her eyes. In her head, there was no pain, no fear no doubt. There was just him and her and nothing holding them back. Back in the land of the living, Jack slowly brushed her hair off of her face, while whispering her name. He had no idea he was fuelling the dream and her moans weren't moans of recognition of him trying to wake her, but moans in her dreams as he did things to her, took her to places that only he could. He realised the soft approach was not working. She was drunk and in a heavy sleep. She was so drunk, maybe she wouldn't wake up when he was cleaning her feet. He got off the couch and sat himself on the floor near her feet. He wet the cloth and started to run it over her feet, washing away the blood. It was time to pull out the glass before he disinfected the cuts. He lifted the tweezers and positioned them above the first piece of glass, checked she was still sound asleep. He lowered the tweezers and gripped the first piece of glass. He slowly and carefully started to lift it out. It wasn't deeply embedded, but it was rather large. As it was nearly out, Sam stirred; she started to turn onto her side, when she was awakened by the sharp sensation on her foot. The glass had ripped through a little of her skin. "Ow, God, what was that"
Her eyes were wide; she was looking down at him, not remembering what had happened. "You dropped a bottle Sam, some of the glass stuck in your feet. I was going to your bathroom to get stuff to fix them up, when I came back you were sleeping, rather heavily, I couldn't wake you. Just sit still Sam, I need to get this glass out before you do more damage to yourself." Carefully and slowly, he extracted the offending piece of glass and set it down on the table. "Oh, I think I drank too much."
"How much did you drink?"
"Too much"
"Look, we need to clean these cuts up, I don't think you need stitches, but it might be best if I took you to the ER." "No Jack, please, just give me the anti-septic and I'll clean them up." She looked deep into his eyes, pleading with him, she didn't want to go out and she had a feeling that if he decided she was going, she was going to be powerless to stop him. "You are in no state to be doing that. There is still glass in there, I'll take it out, just don't move." Sam sat back and closed her eyes. Her head was pounding; she just wasn't used to drinking hard liquor, let alone half a bottle. He looked for the next piece of glass, and with a very slow meticulous movement it was free. He sat it down next to the first bit and carried on, searching for and removing the glass. "All done, now just to get this cleaned up." "Thanks, god that hurts. Why the hell was I so stupid? I never drink anything other than beer, I know what it does to me, this was so stupid!!!" Jack lifted the bottle of anti-septic and looked up at Sam's face. She was really beating herself up about this. He knew she hated being so helpless and almost dependent, but since she had left the SGC, that is precisely what she had become. "Why did you do it Sam? I thought we were doing fine, talking, having a beer, why go for the hard stuff?" She looked down at him. She had been trying desperately to keep the truth from him and after everything that had happened that night, she wasn't about to let it all be for nothing. "I can't explain Jack, please don't make me!" She looked at him imploringly, silently begging him to let it go. He silently agreed, but she could tell, just from the look, that he wouldn't let it go for long. He took the top of the anti-septic and dabbed some onto the dry end of the cloth. He began dabbing the cuts on her feet and she winced. "I know it hurts Sam, but we got to clean them or they'll get infected, I still wish you'd let me take you to the hospital." "No, I'll be fine."
He finished cleaning her up.
"Ok, I need more than this, you got a pad or something I can put on those cuts?" "Yeah, there's some stuff in the kitchen drawer, under the sink, second one down." "Ok, don't move, I'll be right back."
She smiled up at him, grateful for his help, 'Even' she thought 'if it was going to be her undoing.' He came back out and took his place on the floor. He started to place medi-swab patches over the various cuts on her feet. He secured them with medi-tape he'd found and finally bandaged them with the bandages from the bathroom. "You should probably stay off them for a day or two, let them heal before putting pressure on them" "No, I'll be fine. I need to clean up the kitchen." "You are kidding me right? You are not going near that glass with nothing on your feet and you're not putting anything on your feet right now, you'll hurt them even more. Stay there, I'll do it." "No, look, Jack, I can manage. I think it's time you went home." He looked up at her then, staring deep into those sapphire blue eyes. They were tired and sad and pleading with him to let her be, but he knew he couldn't leave. He didn't want to walk away and chance the fact that he may never see her again, without really understanding why she ran away. Ran from the work she loved so much, the airforce that had been her whole life, And him, whom she had admitted once, she had deep feelings for. He couldn't let her go, he just couldn't. "Yeah, right, look Sam, I don't know why you ran away from the SGC, but I am sure as hell not going to run away from you. Whether you like it or not, you need help. You need to stay off your feet and you need to deal with whatever it is that caused you to run in the first place. If I need to fight you every step of the way, I'll sure as hell do it, so you'd best get used to me, I'm not leaving."
With that, he stood up and walked to the kitchen to clear up the glass.
She looked up as he left. Why was he doing this to her? Why couldn't he just leave?
Over in the kitchen, Jack was standing over the sink, the emotion welling up inside him, 'Why the hell is she being like this? Why won't she let me help her?' He felt the tears sting his eyes, he just couldn't let her go, not without a fight. He started to pick up the large pieces of glass and dried up the alcohol. He swept up the rest of the little pieces of glass and dumped them in the bin. He went back to see Sam and once again she was sound asleep. He lifted her up gently and carried her to her bedroom. He laid her down on her bed and pulled a blanket up to her neck. She turned over and snuggled into it. Her hair fell across her face and he sat down next to her and swept it away. She stirred slightly. She was half-sleeping, half-awake. She thought she was still in a dreamland, where Jack was sitting next to her, watching her sleep. She loved this dream and didn't want it to end. She lay still and quiet, not realising he was really there. "What are you doing Sam? I can't stand this. I want to help you. I want to be near you, with you, always, don't push me away like this, please." At the sound of his voice, she stirred, remembering where she was and what was happening and that he really was here; he had really said those words. He looked down at her, so peaceful and beautiful, lying there, totally unaware of the pain she was causing him. He leant down and kissed her forehead and let his hand stroke her face. He went to stand up and she grabbed his hand. "Jack" she whispered her voice still husky from her sleep "I'm sorry." "Sorry for what?"
"That doesn't matter, I just wanted you to know that I need to be alone. You have to let me work through this myself. I'm sorry if this is hurting you, but I just have to do this." "I need to understand Sam, I need to know why you left. You said it was because you have no life, which is fair enough, but I think there is more to it. You love your job too much, you never minded the sacrifices you had to make," He touched her face again, looking down at her with hurt-filled eyes, "Or the sacrifices we had to make.....You need me to let you go so you can move on, but I need you to understand, I can't move on, not without you." He was really hurting; she could see it in his eyes. It was now or never, the truth was the only thing left. "Jack, I left because I can't do this anymore. Yes, I do want a life, love, and a family. You've been there, done that, I haven't, I need that." "I want that stuff too Sam, everyone does, I just don't think I could go through it again." "I guess that's where we are really different then. I'm giving up everything I've ever known to follow that dream and you never could." Her words stung him, more than she had intended, she was just trying to be honest, but she saw the look that crossed his face when she said it, it hurt her to see it almost as much as it hurt him to feel it. "Jack, I didn't mean that the way it sounded." She sat up and stared directly into his eyes. "All I meant was that I....I don't know what I mean, god I hate this." "It's all right Sam,"
"No, it's not."
She paused; she was looking deep into his heart and soul. She wasn't sure how to continue, but she knew she had to. She thought if she could just find a way to start, the words would come. But that first word, that illusive first word was the most difficult one to grasp. "Jack, please, I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, everything is such a mess." Tears nipped at her eyes and she put her head in her hands. He didn't even think twice. He reached out and put his strong arms around her shoulders and pulled her in close. "Sam, it's ok, it's alright. You just need to tell me the truth and let me help you. God knows neither of us could feel worse could we?" He was trying to make the situation light and he was at least for a minute, succeeding. She laughed through her tears and moved her hands from her face and stretched her arms round his waist. "Jack, I'm so sorry, I just couldn't do it anymore, I'm not as strong as you are." "Do what Sam?"
"Stand beside you everyday and ignore these feelings I have, it was driving me crazy, seeing you everyday and not being able to act on my feelings. I thought I could handle it, god, I have done for almost five years, but" she stopped and looked up at him "I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry." "Oh God Sam, you've got nothing to be sorry about." He moved his hands to hold her face in them. "It was driving me crazy too, but I always figured neither of us could give up the work, so there was nothing we could do about it. I would rather have been with you as your friend, seen you everyday. Been able to go out and have a beer, a game of pool, whatever. I would have done and still will do everything I can to make sure I get to see you as much as possible." "You can't make the regulations go away and it doesn't matter anyway. If I really want a family, I'd have to give up on the SGC anyway. I can really see me going on missions and coming home to a screaming baby, it wouldn't work and I don't think they'd let me even try. More than anything, I want some normalcy." He ran his hand through her hair and pulled her close to him. Holding her tightly. She felt the shivers running though her, but she wasn't cold, it was him. His touch was almost electric. It made her feel weak, like she'd do anything for him to just touch her more. She knew this was dangerous, but she just couldn't stop herself holding onto him. Needing him close to her. He held her as she sobbed in his arms. She cried and cried until she exhausted herself. When she had no more tears to shed she pulled away from him. Not daring to look into those eyes. She had always promised herself she would never do this, never cry in front of him and here she was, sitting on her bed with him after completely losing all control. "Sam, Please, don't start running again. You have got to stop this. We've started getting a little honesty here, lets keep that going." He kicked off his shoes and sat up next to her on the bed. He put his arms around her from behind and pulled her down to him. "It's been a long night Sam, lets get some sleep." She knew there was no turning back now, this was going to hurt, she couldn't stop that, and she may as well rest before round two. She turned over onto her side and curled herself against him. Reaching out and touching him, holding him. He held onto her tight, terrified to let her go. When she closed her eyes and let everything go she was surprised at just how tired she was. She was asleep within minutes, safe in his arms, a place she had been longing to be. He watched her sleep, too fascinated by her beauty to rest his own eyes. He watched as her chest rose and fell against his with every breath. He ran a hand through her hair and over her face. He didn't want to ever let this moment go, he knew then, that he had to do everything in his power to make sure this moment could happen again and again and again. The only difference being, she'd smile before she went to sleep. He watched her for as long as he could keep his eyes open; eventually they stung with the tiredness in him. He snuggled in closer to her, placed a light kiss in her hair and closed his eyes as his head rested just above hers, her golden hair slightly tickling his chin.
Sam awakens early the next morning and recoils at the feelings surrounding her. 'That's a guy, isn't it, God what did I do?' Her head was spinning slightly from the remnants of the effects of the Jack Daniels. It took her a minute to open her eyes and she was shocked by what she saw there. With his arms tightly around her, holding her firmly in place, was the man she had dreamed of waking up to many times. She pinched herself to make sure it wasn't a dream, then it all started coming back. She wrestled herself from his grasp and he stirred, but didn't awaken. She tried to get up, then noticed the pain in her feet. Her drunken exploits returning to haunt her. She walked slowly, with her weight on her heels, wincing at every step. She made it to the door and down the hall to her kitchen, where she gratefully rested on a stool. 'I never thought walking from my bedroom to the kitchen would be such hard work.' She thought to herself, as she heard movements from the bedroom.
As his eyes focused on the strange room, he too had to piece together what had transpired the previous evening. It came back to him in bits, the Pizza, the Jack Daniels, the glass and the cuts, then the feel of her sobbing in his arms and finally the best feeling in the world, watching her sleep, while holding onto him, almost as if for dear life.
He looked over at the alarm clock, it was almost noon, he had slept for about four to five hours and he had to admit, he was still exhausted, but he had to finish sorting things out with Sam before he went back to work the next day. 'God knows, I'm not sure I really want to go back without her.' He thought as a tear escaped his eye. He wiped it away quickly and composed himself before moving to see her.
It was a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon and the sun was shining brilliantly into her kitchen. She heard the door to her bedroom open and close and footsteps as he approached. She didn't look up to see him; still feeling slightly embarrassed about what had happened the previous night. She had been awake for about an hour, but was still mentally, physically and most of all emotionally exhausted. He looked at her, sitting there, silently. Her back was to him so he couldn't see what she was doing, he didn't care, and he was just almost content to stand there and watch her. The yellow sunlight coming in the windows, cascading off her golden hair made her look even more beautiful than he had thought possible.
She knew he was there, but didn't want to be the first to speak, to make contact. The events of the previous night were weighing heavily on her mind and she had no idea how she was going to get past them. He knew how she was feeling. The events of the previous day were so unlike the Sam Carter he knew, but then again, that person was all military; she didn't have that refrain anymore. He knew he had to be the first to act or speak, she would just sit there, so unsure of what she was doing and feeling to do or say anything, but he didn't know where to start. He had so many things he wanted to say to her, wanted her to know, but he couldn't find the words to tell her.
He walked up behind her and laid his hands on her shoulders. She flinched at his touch, unsure of what he was doing, or why. He turned her head around to face him, gently stroking his thumbs along her cheekbones. She looked up into his eyes, unsure of why he was doing this, wanting him to stop because it was wrong, but it felt so right. 'How can something be so wrong when it just feels so right' was all that she could think. She looked up, deep into his eyes. She could feel the tears once again start to well inside her. He was also staring deep into her eyes, watching her watching him, wondering just what was going through that busy mind of hers. He started to lean in towards her, she just looked up at him, eyes full of fear and love, sadness and a loneliness he knew was mimicked within himself. She didn't move her eyes from his, till his lips were softly pressing upon hers and she finally closed them. He closed his eyes as she closed hers and held her face in his hands. His lips pressed softly against hers in a tender kiss, that she gratefully reciprocated. They stayed like that for what seemed like a long time, feeling safe and loved in each other's arms. Their minds blank and calm, an unusual feeling for her, her mind never usually stopped racing. It did not stay clear for long, she was soon thinking hard and fast once again. It took her mind a few minutes to process the information her body was all too willingly accepting. When her brain finally comprehended what her body was doing, she made her mind overpower her body and knowing this was wrong, she pulled away from his grasp.
"I'm sorry Jack, I shouldn't have let that happen" She turned to move away from him, but he caught her and pulled her back to him. "Sam, don't start running again, I don't think I can let you go now that I've got you." "You can't have me Jack, don't you see that?" "No, I don't, I want to be with you, there is nothing standing in our way now, why can't we be together?" "Do you think I could stand that? Listening to you talk about the SGC and your missions and everything you do? That would hurt about as much staying at the SGC and trying to ignore my feelings." "Sam, you can't leave the SGC. You are needed there far too much and I do get it. If I'm there and you are not, you would probably grow to resent me because you left for me." "I can't say that that would never happen and I don't want it to. I want to remember you the way I know you, loving and caring, tender and sweet. I don't want anything to spoil that memory."
They were still standing, motionless in her kitchen, Jack was holding onto her tightly, desperate not to let her go, staring deep into those rich sapphire eyes that held a world of pain and sorrow within them.
"Sam, we need to sort something out, you'll never be happy if you are not there with us. We can survive just now; we can try and work around it. Maybe have some time together before you come back. We can try, we just can't do nothing?" His voice was pained, he wanted her so badly it hurt inside and she felt the same, but neither of them could see a way past it. There were too many regulations, too much standing in their way. Sam dropped her head, feeling the pain he felt all too clearly. "There is no way around it. I go back as military, we can't be together, I go back as civilian, I'll hate not being military almost as much as not being there at all, we still could probably not be together, there are still the regulations. Military personnel must be careful of their civilian relationships. I don't go back and we are together, as you've already said I will end up resenting you because you are there and I am not, or I don't go back and we don't get together. We both hurt for a while but eventually we get over it and move on. We take the memories we have of each other and remember them always. No hatred or resentment, only love." "Sam, what if you always miss the SGC? You may get over me, but you may never get over leaving. You would end up resenting me anyway and the memories would still be tainted."
She looked up at him; her voice somehow had managed to hide the tears that had been streaming down her face. "I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, all I know is that I can't go on like this." Her red eyes were boring into him, searching for an answer to a problem that couldn't be fixed. Her voice started to break into whimpers and she seemed to almost collapse into his arms. She let herself go. Everything that had been holding her together seemed to go out of her in one fail swoop as the realisation of the pain that she felt hit her full force. She sobbed in his arms for what seemed like an eternity. Her brain, while still racing with thoughts and feelings of what was going on, could not stop her. He held her tight, trying helplessly to make it all better, at the same time realising, no matter what he did, he could never make their problems go away. Her tears once again wore her out and she felt weak as she stood there in his arms.
"Lets go sit down, Sam, we really need to figure out exactly what we're going to do here." She followed willingly as he held her up and walked her to her living room and sat down with her on her couch. She was still holding onto him, something in her refusing to let him go. He held onto her as much as she did to him, but for once, he had to be the strong one, the adult. Since the day they first met, he never took any kind of adult responsibility when it came to matters of the heart, he laughed and joked it away. She had always been the strong one, the one who did things properly, respectfully, responsibly. She could no longer be strong, therefore he needed to be.
"Sam, we need to sort this out."
"I know, I just don't know how?"
She finally released her grip and sat up next to him. He let her go and watched as she wiped her eyes. "God, I must look a state?" she laughed as she stood up. "Hey, where you going, thought we were going to talk?" Jack asked, puzzled, "I'm just going to wash my face. Can you get us a drink?" "non-alcoholic!!"
"Yeah, don't think my stomach could take any more alcohol." They both laughed at her statement remembering the mess she had been in the previous evening. She walked two steps and could move no further. She slumped down on the arm of her couch and gasped at the pain in her feet. With all that had happened since she'd gotten up, she forgot about her feet. Jack was immediately by her side, "Here, I'll help you,"
"Thanks,"
He put his arm around her waist and helped her hobble to the bathroom.
She sat on the edge of her bath, while running the cold water to wash her face. She dried it off and got up to look in the mirror. 'How the hell did you manage to get yourself here Sam? What are you doing? You need to get rid of him, full stop, end of story!'
She knew what she had to do and all the reasons why, but knowing something and actually managing to do it were two entirely different things.
Leaning against the walls for support, she slowly, carefully walked back down to where he had returned to sit. She didn't sit next to him, instead opting for her comfy chair across the table from where he sat. She curled herself up and sat as comfortably as possible with her sore feet, but she never grimaced once from the pain. If she was going to convince him to go, she had to show strength and resolve. No more weakness. No more emotion. She had to get rid of him, nothing else mattered.
"Look, Jack, I know you are worried about me and I know you care about me, but the way I see it, we can never be together unless the airforce change the rules." She kept her voice straight and even, never letting it quiver once. "I need you to go now. I'm not fine and I won't be able to be fine until you are out of my life. I can't work with you everyday and not be able to touch you and admit my feelings. I need to get over them and to do that, I can't be around you. I'm sorry if I am hurting you as well, but please understand, I don't have any other choice."
She was staring him straight in the eyes. The truth, the whole truth finally had been told and it hurt like an arrow to his heart.
He didn't know what to say or do. He looked totally shell-shocked by what she had said; he just couldn't believe it. He knew it was hard for her, for both of them, but he had believed they would work it out. A lump came to his throat and he fought hard to move it away but she could see his pain and was sorry for causing it, but she couldn't think about him in this. She had to do what was best for her.
"I'm going to go away for a while. Once these cuts heal up I'll go stay with Mark and his family, get a little normalcy back into my life. What I'll do then, I don't know, maybe try for a teaching position somewhere, or do research, I'll figure it out and I will be okay." "I know you will Sam, you are really strong, I knew that the first day we met," a smile came to both their lips with that memory, "I just don't know how I can go on without you. First Daniel, then you, I feel like my whole world is falling apart and all the pain and terror we go through, just doesn't seem worth it anymore." "Jack, you have to keep going. The work you do is really important, the SGC needs you, more that you'd care to admit. You need it as well. Don't give it up, you'll regret it." "I could say the same thing about you Sam?" "I might, I can't say I won't, but I know, for this point in my life, I made the right decision. You've lived your life, been married, had a kid, done the family bit, even if it was cut short, I need that." The lump in his throat came back with the thought of Charlie, but he knew she was right. He had to let her go, let her live. He had been where she wanted to go and as much as he'd love to go back there with her, he knew, just as she did, that it was impossible. "I know you are right Sam, I just don't know how to let go?" "A clean break, it's the best for both of us." "I'd better go. I don't think there is much more we can say." "Yeah, I think you're right."
She smiled at him, that smile that could turn his whole world upside down. It was quite possibly the last time he'd see that smile and he was going to miss it. The tears were coming to both of them, but both were determined to leave without giving into the sorrows they were feeling.
He got up and started to walk to the door. She moved to get up to show him out and winced at the sudden jolt of pain. As if by instinct, he moved quickly to her and put his arms around her waist, holding her up, making sure she was ok. "I'm fine Jack, I'll see you out."
She didn't dare look up into his eyes. She knew that if she did the tears would start to flow. "No, Sam, you stay there, I'll see myself out. You want anything before I go?" He knew he had to leave, but was determined to prolong this moment for as long as he could. The thought of never seeing her again was tearing him apart. "I could use some painkillers and some water. Aspirin is in the bathroom cabinet, there is bottled water in the fridge." He moved slowly to get the items for her, desperate to stay and help her, to not let her go. He gave her what she had asked for and moved to leave. She didn't look at him, she just stared at the bottle in her hands. "Goodbye Sam" His voice was starting to break, the tears so near the surface, it was difficult to hold them back. "Goodbye Jack" She didn't look up. She couldn't let him see the tears now rolling down her face.
With those last few words, he opened to door and walked out of her life, forever. 32
1
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