In the Firelight
In the Firelight
by Deanna
Title: In the Firelight
Author: Deanna
Email: dldilbeck@earthlink.net
Category: Angst
Season: any Season
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Summary: Old Memories never stop haunting Jack.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Sleep eludes me, even though weariness is burrowed deeply in every muscle and joint. We had hiked for what seemed days, stopping only for brief periods of rest, then marching ever onward. Our mission: to locate mineral deposits scanned in the region. We never allowed for torrential downpours and mudslides along the way. Colonel O'Neill never wavered; never stopped. He was relentless in his pursuit, a man on a mission. Although I'm not certain what mission he was on, or if it was the same as the rest of us. Now, as I watch him in the firelight, I see the wages of a war, a war of pain and sorrow, playing across the planes of his face and I understand. I know what today is. It has been embedded in my mind since the day he told me almost three years ago. I know the pain I see written there is one of a man haunted. He must be replaying it all. The unspeakable, unstoppable, yet all too real horror of helplessness never ceasing or relenting its demands for retribution. Self-recrimination and blame holding on with claws of steel embedded in vulnerable flesh daring him to even try to remove them. I see the myriad of emotion pulling him under its spell.
As I watch helplessly, he lowers his forehead to rest on the heels of his hands, a silent shutter quaking across his shoulders. I long to go to him, to wrap my arms around him; comfort him, help him discover joy again. But to do so would break down the walls, the barriers we have so assiduously built for the past five years. My fingers clinch into fists, nails biting into flesh, as I restrain myself from reaching out, from touching him.
A spark from the fire rises up slowly and he watches as it drifts away on the night breeze. I wonder what he is thinking. Does he still berate himself for the sins of his past? Does he long to go back and undo their hold on him? What person wouldn't? Especially him, his strengths are in control; command; accomplishments of objectives. To have failed in the most important mission of his life must be a heavy cross to bear.
The soft light of the campfire sparks off the tears that run in silent rivers across his cheeks. The wetness on my own face belays my stoic expression, my attempt at neutrality in the face of overwhelming emotion. I cannot sit idly by for another second.
I rise quietly and slip up behind him, not making a sound. He stiffens anyway, aware of me as only he can be, whether by instinct or psychic connection neither of us questions.
"Jack?" His name falls softly from my lips, a whisper in the stillness of the night, awkward, yet right, in this piece of time and space. He holds out his hand to me. I slip my fingers inside of his, relishing the rough, callused tips and the warm wide palm. His fingers close over mine and he draws me down to the log beside him.
"Couldn't sleep, Sam?" His voice is rough, raspy, the sadness in it still evident. He doesn't look at me, just gently caresses my thumb in a slow, circular motion. I don't answer him right away for fear of falling off the edge of this precipice. Its height so deep I may never find my way up from its depths. Finally, I find my voice, although it sounds as rough as his.
"Is it hard?" I don't explain my question any further. He knows what I'm asking. He understands the unspoken part of my question.
"It is sometimes. Sometimes...sometimes I don't even remember until it passes. Most of the time it's only a vague ache that is easy to push aside. Six years seems like forever - and only yesterday." He looks at me, the flames dancing across his face, making his dark eyes hooded and mysterious. I nod in mute understanding, even though I have no true experience to put against his pain. He holds my eyes a moment longer than necessary, stretching out the silent communication so taunt I want to scream away the emotions weighing us both in place.
I finally look away. He loosens his grip on my hand, allowing me to withdraw mine should I want to. I don't. He closes his more tightly around mine, smiling slightly at my unintended sigh. I gently bump his shoulder with mine, a tease without repercussions. He smiles for real this time and bumps me back, almost sending me off the log with the force of his shove. He forgets sometimes how much lighter and smaller I am. Reaching out his other arm, he hauls me back on my end of the log with one swoop of strong toned muscle, pulling me closer to him than before. Our hips and thighs press up against each other, his arm stays surrounding my waist balancing me beside him. I let him pull me closer, I silently relish the feel of being surrounded by him. A dangerous emotion, yet one I let loose just for this moment.
The night air is cool and the fire is dwindling. His warmth makes sleep creep up on me and I unintentionally snuggle in tighter to his side.
"Sleepy now?" His voice seems even deeper, more strained. I open my eyes and look up at him. He is so close I can't focus on him so I pull back a bit, my head tilted up, our noses almost touching. My breath catches in my throat at the emotion I see in his eyes. A tingle in the pit of my stomach branches through my bloodstream as he moves imperceptibly closer, his breath touching my cheek, his lips a mere fraction of an inch from my own. I couldn't breathe if my life depended on it. "Sam?" It is a whisper of frustration and a question all in one.
I want to throw caution to the wind. I want to answer his unasked question with a passion that is, at times, beyond bearing. I instead stare deeply into his eyes, loosing myself as I so long ago lost my heart. I feel my pulse pounding so hard that surely he must hear it. His fingers release mine and move up to trace the line of my jaw. I swallow the moan in my throat as he runs one callused thumb across my bottom lip. His eyes close at the emotion generated between us. I need to stop this now before I loose all control. I can't. I don't want to. I want to feel his lips consume mine. I want to tremble under his caresses and fall headlong into the abyss of total abandonment to his touch. I feel his breath steal across my cheek once again; his lips touch the softness there. He lingers for a second, yet it seems like an eternity. I don't breathe, holding onto the moment like precious jewels. His hand slides across my stomach and around my back and he pulls me tight to his chest. His face buries against my neck, warm lips pressed in a petal soft kiss to my collarbone. I tremble in his embrace and long for so much more. But, I can tell by his hold on me tonight this will be all that happens. Tonight will open up a storehouse for far more. Every moment will await our culmination. Every second will stand still waiting on the joining of our spirits. Time will not continue as before.
We mutually, yet regretfully, pull apart. He looks at me with such tenderness I long to fall into his arms weeping for the joy it fills me with. He smiles. I smile. He sweeps a hand through my hair, tangling in the layers and gently tucking a wayward strand behind my ear.
"Thanks, Sam", he stands slowly, drawing me with him. He hands me the automatic that was sitting beside him, his fingers brushing across mine in a slow, languid dance.
"See you in the morning?" I release his hand, the one I had forgotten I still clutched onto and smile up at him. "In the morning, sir. Sleep well."
The end
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