Aphrodite
Aphrodite
by Cait Parker
Summary: Lookout, Hathor- it's Sam!
Category: Humor, Romance
Season: any Season
Pairing: Sam/other
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: adult themes, language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 09/07/03
Sam woke up, stretched her arms and yawned. She'd just gotten the best sleep of her life, as far as she could remember. Usually when she slept clear through the night it was because she'd needed it after getting chased by jaffa or being sent on some suicide mission by the Tok'Ra or Asgard. Nights like that never left her feeling this refreshed.
But yesterday's mission had been one of those rare get-the-soil-samples-and-get-out kind of missions. Even better, the Stargate was next to this big crystal-clear lake with a mountain-range background. Nice view, no Goa'uld, and no ancient ruins for Daniel to get hurt in. As Sam was collecting her samples, she heard the Colonel yell.
"Look, Daniel! Rocks!" She looked up in time to see him skipping stones on the lake.
"Artifacts, Jack!" Daniel said, scanning the landscape. "Where?" He'd turned back to the Colonel just in time to see something fly into the lake. "NO!!" he shouted, running to the shore.
Sam was certain she'd have to go in after him. Fortunately she heard Teal'c say something about real rocks.
"There is no need to submerge yourself in the lake, Daniel Jackson. There are hundreds of rocks on the shore, perhaps thousands." Then he'd gone back to watching stoically from next to the DHD.
Sam chuckled as she got out of bed, still thankful for such a simple mission. She walked to her window, opened it, and leaned out into the morning. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
*Ahh, fresh air. Nothing like that recycled stuff we have to breathe day in and day out 28 floors underground.*
When she opened her eyes she saw three monarch butterflies dancing around the blossoming cherry tree outside her window. She took another deep breath to take in the sweet smell of the white blooms.
On the planet there'd been these little white flowers she'd stopped to smell. She knew they smelled like something, and this was it. Fresh Colorado-cherry blossom air. She made a mental note to find some reason to go back. And to come up with a reason for the Colonel to bring his fishing pole. And something with which to tie Daniel down.
Smiling into the happy spring air, she glanced down to the dew-kissed grass and saw two fluffy white bunny rabbits hopping merrily around the yard. Birds sang cheerfully in the trees. She shook her head and closed the window.
God, you'd think I was in a Disney movie.
After she'd showered and dressed, she made her bed, which was a lot less mussed than usual since she'd slept so peacefully. Something on her dresser caught her eye.
Earrings.
SG-1 didn't have a mission scheduled today and she was just going to do some work in the lab, analyzing this or that and maybe reverse-engineering an alien device or two. No harm in looking as good as she felt. She put on a pair of sparkly fake-diamond earrings and went back into the bathroom to do a little more with her hair and makeup.
"Incoming traveler! Closing the iris!"
General Hammond ran to the control room as the klaxons sounded around the base. "Are we getting an iris code?"
"SG-13, sir," Sgt. Davis confirmed.
"Open the door."
SG-13 stumbled through the 'gate, stomping their feet and shaking their arms. Water poured from their uniforms. Their trail down the ramp was marked with mud.
"Welcome back, SG-13. Debriefing in an hour." Hammond looked distastefully at the mud that had been tracked around his gate room. O'Neill sauntered in as SG-6 was leaving for the showers.
"Rotten weather?" he asked Lieutenant... um... New Girl.
"Rain. Lots of rain, Sir," she answered. Captain Blond-Guy nodded.
"I think that planet was created for the sole purpose of getting rained on, Sir. That's all it did. All it did."
Jack nodded slowly, puffed his cheeks, and gestured with his hand. "Well, go get dry, Mi-... Joh-... uh, Lieutenant, Captain."
I really should learn these people's names.
"You needed to see me, Colonel?" Hammond asked as he settled into his chair in his office.
"Yes, sir," Jack replied as he fiddled with a peanut-shaped paperweight he'd found on the General's desk. "I think we need to go back to P4C-457."
"You told me in the debriefing there was nothing there. Carter got her soil samples, you didn't find any natives, and I'd stake my reputation on the fact that if Dr. Jackson didn't get hurt there couldn't possibly be any ancient ruins or Goa'uld threat."
"Yes, sir, but I'd like to get a closer look at some of the life forms."
"Colonel? Is there something you're not telling me about P4C-457?" Hammond knew something was up. Where there was action, there was O'Neill. Otherwise, his 2IC tried his damnedest to stay away.
"The aquatic life on P4C--"
"You want to go fishing?" Hammond stared at O'Neill in disbelief. "You want me to authorize a follow-up mission so you can go fishing?"
Jack carefully placed the peanut back on the desk, avoiding eye contact. "Not fishing, per se..."
He was cut off by the ringing phone.
"Hammond. Yes, Doctor, I'll be right there." He hung up the phone. "SG-13 is in the infirmary with some pretty nasty colds." The two men walked to the door. As the general opened the door for Jack, he glared. "And Colonel?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Request denied."
Sam whistled a happy little tune as she typed up a report on the soil, glad she'd taken the time to pretty herself up that morning. All the men she'd passed in the hall actually looked at her. Not just looked, but given her that head-to-toe look that guys do when they see something they like. "Good morning, Major!" they'd all greeted.
God, it's nice to be seen as a girl again.
Even Daniel- yes, Daniel- had stared as they passed, nearly tripping over the floor in his graceful Daniel-way.
As she typed up the last line with two dancing fingers in time with her whistling, someone knocked on her door.
"Come in!" she chirped, surprised at the sing-songiness in her voice.
"Uh, m-morning, Sam," Daniel stuttered as he entered. "Brought you some, uh... coffee."
"Thanks, Daniel!" She bounded out of her chair, smiling from ear to sparkling ear. She took the cup from the blushing archeologist, and out of pure high-on-lifeness gave her friend a big cuddly bear hug. Her smile faded as she realized how stupid she probably looked. She started to pull away.
"Sam," Daniel breathed, capturing her in his embrace. He turned his face to hers and gazed longingly into her eyes. She pushed him away, horrified.
"Were you going to...?"
"Sam... we can't deny it anymore," he whispered, approaching her.
"Deny what?" she demanded, backing away.
"Our feelings." He kept approaching.
"Feelings?" She kept backing.
"For each other." And approached away.
"Wha-" Her backing was interrupted by her desk. His arms were around her waist, his face moving slowly towards hers. For a panicked moment she thought of scalding him with her coffee, but Jack came to his- her- rescue. As usual.
"Hand check," he announced, looking as confused as Sam felt. Daniel jumped so high she thought he'd hit the ceiling. Leave it to Daniel to get hurt trying to seduce a woman.
"Jack!" He had the appropriate deer-in-headlights look on his face.
"Colonel!" She had the appropriate thank-God-you-saved-me look on her face.
"Am I... interrupting?" Jack looked back and forth between his teammates.
"Yes!" Daniel shouted as Sam shook her head in that get-him-away-from-me kind of way. Jack stepped farther into the lab.
"Daniel?" he ventured cautiously. "What are you doing?"
Daniel stood up straight and tall... ish, sucked in some air and stuck out his chest. "I've come to tell Samantha how I feel."
Jack cocked his head. "How you... feel?"
Daniel looked Jack hard in the eyes. "Yes, about Samantha."
Anger gripped Jack's features. "How you feel?" he yelled, pushing Daniel into a shelf that had, to that point, held a few hundred small yet fragile and vitally important knickknacks. Said knick-knacks promptly decided to take refuge on the floor, obviously unaware of their fragility and vital importance. Or perhaps perfectly aware, but also aware of and unsatisfied with their smallness. Maybe now they'd be satisfied with their super-smallness and utter-shatteredness.
Apparently realizing how out of place he was among the infinitesimally small and shattered knick-knacks, Daniel picked himself up and lunged at Jack, who stumbled obediently into a table whose complex and expensive occupants decided to have no part in the madness and slammed into the wall in desperation. Not wanting to see more delicate-instrument carnage, Sam ran into the hall screaming for security.
In the infirmary, Janet Frasier laughed wickedly to herself as she shone her flesh-burning pen light into Jack's eyes.
*What other Major can inflict such torture on a Colonel and get away with it? Life is good.*
"Well, there's nothing wrong with you." She crossed her arms and gave the evil eye to the men sitting side-by-side on the cot. "So why did you feel the need to try to kill each other?"
"He started it," Jack accused.
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Didn't."
"Did!"
"Quiet!" the doctor commanded, knowing they could go on like that for hours. "Now Colonel, why did you push Daniel into a shelf of really breakable things?"
Jack threw his arms up in exasperation. "He was trying to kiss Sam!"
"Until he interrupted!" If looks could kill...
Sam entered the room, looking rather uneasy. "Everything ok?"
Janet swung around. If looks could kill...
"Ok? Ok? God Sam, you could have the Colonel at the least suggestion, now you have to come in looking all look-at-me and seduce Daniel too?"
"Whoa, Janet..." Sam backed away, hoping for a doorway and not a desk.
"Don't you 'whoa, Janet' me, Missy! You know every man on this base thinks you're wonderful anyway with your scientific explanations and model-soldier attitude, and then you walk in here all dolled up and playing innocent when they start fighting over you!" She picked up a clipboard so she could slam it back down. "And another thing..."
Sam was already halfway down the hall, not wanting to hear what the other thing could possibly be.
"Come in," Hammond ordered whoever was knocking at his door, not really wanting to know anything else that was happening on his base. He'd already had an entire SG team catch a cold; been informed by the cleaning crew that the base was out of floor-cleaning stuff; been informed by the cleaning crew that nevermind, they found the floor-cleaning stuff in Teal'c's quarters and would now use the floor-cleaning stuff to clean the floor in the gateroom; been called to a disturbance in Major Carter's office to find O'Neill and Jackson trying to beat the life out of each other; had to file a report on why the SGC would be requiring replacement scientific stuff that was worth more than his life; and had to remove a splinter from Lt. Graham's thumb and give the young technician a lollipop to get him to stop crying. Why Dr. Frasier couldn't take care of the splinter was beyond him.
"Sir?" someone ventured, forcing the General to stop shaking his head and pounding his fist. He fearfully raised his eyes up the slender, curving hips and waist, up the long, poised neck, past the luscious lips and adorable nose to meet the heavenly blue eyes of...
"Major Carter," he sighed. "What can I do for you today?" He smiled brightly and gestured for his little Major to sit down.
Taking a seat, she gave him a puzzled look. "Dr. Frasier just yelled at me, sir."
She's like a defenseless little girl getting bullied...
"Why'd she do that, sweetheart?"
She furrowed her brow. "For making Daniel and the Colonel fight, apparently."
"Were they fighting over you, honey?" The furrow in her brow furrowed.
"I... I think they were... sir."
"Some people just can't act their age. They're too immature for you." He stood up, gazing down into those big blue eyes. "You need an older man. Someone mature enough to know that violence doesn't solve anything."
I hope she forgets that whole sending-a-nuke-to-Abydos incident.
"Sir?" She stood up and backed towards the door.
"Sam. Just stay in here, with me. I'll protect you from those hormone-laden adolescents." He reached his hand out to give her a comforting touch on the shoulder, but her shoulder had already followed the rest of her out the door.
In the locker room, Sam was dressing herself in the baggiest, most awkward-fitting fatigues she could find. She'd just washed all the make-up off her face, mussed her hair, and tucked the earrings safely into her locker. Several women had come and gone since she'd been in there. Some gave her the evil eye, some ignored her altogether. One had muttered something under her breath, annunciating the word "slut." Sam was feeling extremely nervous about the whole situation.
The door opened once again and Sam was about to hide in a locker when she heard a cheerful "Hi, Major!" It was Lt. Ella Manning, SG-13's linguist.
"Lieutenant," Sam replied hesitantly. "How's the cold?"
"Not bad. My nose is a little stuffy, but I feel pretty good, ma'am." Manning eyed her suspiciously. "What was all that in the infirmary?"
SG-13 must have still been there for Janet's tirade.
"I have no idea. Daniel was trying to kiss me, Jack walked in, they destroyed my lab, and Dr. Frasier says it's my fault." She shrugged.
"Everyone's talking about you, Major. It sounds like every guy on base is enamored with you and every woman wants you for target practice," Manning explained. Sam shuddered. "It's like every woman on base has PMS and wants to take it out on you."
"You seem friendly enough," Sam observed.
Manning shrugged as she fumbled through her locker. "I don't have a clue why everyone's acting this way. My guys and I were talking about it in the infirmary and we can't make heads or tails of it."
"Your guys?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, the rest of SG-13."
"You don't want to kill me... they don't want to seduce me..."
Manning chuckled. "We could play bodyguard for awhile, if you want."
Sam smiled and shook her head, thinking of all the times she'd held her own in the face of danger, thinking of all the times she'd saved SG-1 from peril. She couldn't believe she was actually considering hiding behind the two lieutenants, one captain, and a major who she outranked. She couldn't believe she needed anyone to protect her from her teammates, her best friend, and the general, not to mention everyone else on base. Her teammates...
Teal'c... maybe jaffa are immune to whatever everyone has.
"Lieutenant, I would really appreciate that. Do you think you and your team could escort me to Teal'c's room?" That guy could withstand anything.
Manning looked at Sam warily. "Might not be a good idea, ma'am. We heard him singing and when we asked about it, he threw the guys out and told me that on Chulak it was the song guys sang as a pre-mating ritual." She looked Sam straight in the eye. "He literally threw the guys out into the hall."
Sam took a moment to process what she'd just heard. Manning had just told her that a) Teal'c literally picked up 75% of SG-13 and tossed them into the hall, b) Teal'c was singing, and c) Teal'c was preparing to mate. And with the way things were going around here today, Sam guessed that probably meant that he was preparing to mate with her. She shook her head to clear it.
"Ok, I'm ok. You're ok. The rest of your team is fine. Let's go to the infirmary and try to work this out."
"Yes, ma'am." Manning led the way out of the locker room and just barely had time to render Maybourne unconscious as he pranced around the corner to pounce on Sam.
"What's with the freakin' personal guard? So you're trying to be Hathor now? Some dirty old Goa'uld?" Frasier hollered. "Are you going to spawn a bunch of little Carters and make the guys carry them in their stomachs? Look out Apophis, Sam Carter's coming to seduce you to death!"
Sam continuously tried to get a word in edgewise while Capt. Meier and Lt. DeMarco restrained the doctor. Major Payton finally shoved a big wad of gauze in her mouth.
"Janet, have you run any tests to see why everyone's acting this way?" Sam asked. Janet gave her a look that said Of course I did, what kind of doctor do you think I am? Then she tilted her head and narrowed her eyes in a way that said, distinctly, Bitch.
"Well then maybe it's me," Sam suggested. Janet spit the gauze at Lt. Manning, who was guarding the door, which was locked but being pounded on by multitudes of lusting men, all crying out for Sam.
"Oh, so you're telling me you're just so absolutely wonderful you can come to work one day wearing too much make-up and cheap plastic earrings and have every man on base in the palm of your hand? I don't think so! And if you mmph--" Payton had been ready with another wad of gauze.
"Maybe I caught something, some alien bug. There weren't any people on P4C-457, but maybe it was something else. There were these flowers I was smelling after I got my samples... Will you run some tests?"
Janet jerked herself out of the men's grasp and de-gauzed her mouth. "Gladly," she spat. As she gathered the necessary torture devices, Sam made herself comfortable on a cot. When Janet had everything she needed, she stood in front of Sam, more than ready to take a blood sample. She tied the rubber thing around Sam's arm a little- no, a lot tighter than was necessary, picked up the gleaming, blood-thirsty needle, and grabbed Sam's wrist. "This is going to pinch a little," she warned, raising the needle high above her head.
"Whoa!" everyone shouted simultaneously as Sam jumped back and Meier caught Janet's stabbing arm. Just then Dr. Warner appeared from behind a curtain.
"How'd you get in here?" Manning demanded.
Dr. Warner shrugged. "I heard Major Carter would be here so I pretended to be comatose. Dr. Frasier, I didn't know anyone could check vitals so violently." Janet beamed at the compliment. Dr. Warner took the needle from Janet. "Allow me." He turned to Sam, looked deep into her eyes, and stroked her arm. "I promise I'll be gentle..."
"Pheromones!" DeMarco exclaimed.
"Bless you," Payton said as he handed the lieutenant a tissue.
"No! Pheromones... it's a chemical your body secretes--"
Meier turned ten shades of red. "You swore you wouldn't tell anybody about that!"
"No, sir, everyone's body secretes it. It has nothing to do with your--"
"Ok, I got it! Sheesh!" Meier leaned back against the door he was guarding and slid to the floor, avoiding any and all eye contact.
"Anyways, they're a natural aphrodisiac. When you get close to a woman and smell her perfume, it's not the perfume that makes you... uhh..."
"It's the pheromones," Sam finished for him. "You don't even realize you smell them. I think you're on to something, Captain."
"What about the women?" Manning asked. "Why are they all talking about what they would do if they had you, a canteen, and a picture frame all in the same room?"
Sam didn't even want to think about what they might be considering with those items. "Well you know how when women are around each other a lot, either working or living with each other..." She hesitated and eyed the men.
"Go on, we're all mature here," Payton insisted, expecting some kinky confession about what women do behind closed doors.
"Ok, Major. When women are around each other a lot, their menstrual cycles start to fall around the same time." Three groans rose up from around Sam and Manning. "It's the same thing- a chemical that you can't smell. Those flowers I smelled must have somehow increased my pheromone level. None of you are affected because you're stuffed up. You can't smell it."
"So how do we fix it?" Manning asked.
Sam shrugged. "We wait," she concluded, hoping her body chemistry would eventually return to normal.
The next day, as Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c sat in the commissary apologizing for numerous attacks on each other (one in which Daniel actually managed to hurt Teal'c- by making the jaffa stub his pinky toe while in barefoot pursuit of Daniel), the entire base seemed to be back to normal. Well, almost the entire base.
"What do you mean, no coffee? (crash) It's the commissary! (clang) It's morning! (smash) Find some, make it, and have it ready five minutes ago!!" A blond with messed up hair and baggy pants continued her tantrum on the subject of fruit. "I... hate... bananas! I want a grapefruit. No, not an orange... just because it's round and grown in Florida does not, in any way, make it a grapefruit!" After another round of breaking things and scaring people, Dr. Carter/Mrs. Hyde stormed out.
Jack looked up to see Lt. New Girl standing across from him at the table. "What's wrong with her?" he asked, remembering the lieutenant as part of Sam's personal guard.
"Well, everyone was acting so funny yesterday because of some... chemical imbalance," she looked around at the predominately male population in the commissary, "but now Major Carter's... uh, chemicals, are back how they're supposed to be. She'll be fine, just give her some chocolate and be nice to her for a few days." She walked over to SG-13's table.
"Thanks, Hen- uh, Fe-..." Jack settled on an appreciative wave.
"Lt. Manning, Jack," Daniel informed.
"Ahh. Thanks Manning!" Lt. New Girl laughed and waved. "If Carter's chemicals are how they're supposed to be, why's she acting so scary?"
"She has PMS, Jack," Daniel said, blushing.
"PMS?"
"Yes."
"Pretty Mean and Scary?"
"Jack..."
"Pat My Shoulder?"
"Jack!"
"I, too, am unfamiliar with this term, Daniel Jackson."
"Teal'c, just let it go..."
"Pull My... Sfinger?"
"I do not believe that is a word, O'Neill."
"Pardon My Spanish?"
"JACK!"
The End
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