Major Evan Lorne kneaded the sore muscles in his shoulder and resisted the urge to put his head down on the table where he was currently planted. It wouldn’t look good for the soldiers who peppered the mess hall to see a superior officer crumpled into a heap in broad daylight. Given the events of the past few weeks, Lorne needed to work that much harder to ensure that nothing caused him to give less than a hundred percent to the city and its people.
He picked at the tray of meatloaf and mashed potatoes that sat half-empty in front of him. After a few moments, he sat his fork down, pushed the tray away from him, and stood up, his chair scratching against the floor as he did so. The city was quiet now, and he wasn’t as hungry as he’d thought when he sat down. Now was as good a time as any to bite the bullet and go talk to Colonel Sheppard.
Lorne wasn’t looking forward to this conversation, but there were things that needed to be confronted. His performance of late had left him twisted into knots of shame and frustration, and he needed to hammer things out with Sheppard before the Colonel started believing he wasn’t capable of doing his job.
As he trudged down the hall, Lorne nodded at a pair of scientists who were hurrying past him at breakneck speed, babbling to each other in Russian. After they disappeared around the corner, Lorne let out a breath and walked toward the open doorway that led to the city’s improvised driving range.
Lorne suspected he’d probably find Colonel Sheppard there, as it was where the Colonel would often disappear to during his rare moments of leisure. At times, he’d even been known to use it as a makeshift office.
Sheppard had a real office, of course, but he rarely used it. Offices, he’d had once told Lorne, were for reprimands and threats. Any work worth doing could be done anywhere there was a clean table and enough light, and any conversation worth having could be had outside in the sun, or over breakfast in the cafeteria.
When Lorne passed through the doorway, he saw Sheppard standing on a little patch of green, fiddling with his golf club. Cocking his head, Lorne folded his arms across his chest and watched as Sheppard took a couple of practice swings. He didn’t understand his CO’s fixation with whacking balls into the ocean surrounding the city. It seemed like a waste of balls and time. Of course, at the moment, Sheppard didn’t seem to be playing with a ball anyway. Instead, he was swinging into thin air and staring off into the sky as if he were trying to track some invisible ball to its destination.
“What can I do for you, Major?” Sheppard asked without looking away from the horizon.
Lorne blinked, unfolded his arms, and stood up straight. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you, sir. I can come back when you’re not busy.”
“I’m not doing anything I can’t do later.”
“I don’t want to bother you on your downtime, sir.”
Sheppard glanced over his shoulder at Lorne. “I’ve had nothing but downtime this past week, Major.” He sliced his golf club at the air. “In fact, I’m glad you came by. This’ll give us a chance to catch up.”
Raising an eyebrow, Lorne took a few steps closer to the driving range. “Catch up, sir?”
“Yeah,” Sheppard said, his tone light. “We don’t get much of a chance to connect off the field. The occasional post-mission dinner, a workout now and then. It’s been a while since you and I have had a chance to talk, and I figure we should catch up.” He turned toward Lorne and leaned his weight against his golf club. “How you doing, Major?”
Lorne licked his lips. It was a simple question, really. But for some reason, it took him off guard, and he didn’t quite know how to answer. After a pause, he settled on a neutral “I’m fine, sir.”
“Good.” Sheppard nodded. “How’s the team?”
“They’re good, sir.”
Sheppard gazed at him for a moment, as if he were waiting for Lorne to continue. Finally, he asked, “You play golf, Major?”
“Golf? I can’t say that I do.”
“Really?” Sheppard held his club up fondly. “You know, I don’t understand people who don’t play golf. So you like baseball, right?”
Nodding, Lorne said, “I do. Yes.”
“Football?”
“Sure.”
Sheppard pointed. “Now that’s a sport. You gotta love the excitement of a good football game. ”
“Yes, sir,” Lorne’s breath hitched as he took in an unexpected burst of air. Resisting the urge to comb his fingers through his hair, he said, “Listen, Colonel. I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Sheppard stopped fiddling with his club and turned his attention toward Lorne. “Yeah, Teyla said you did. What’s going on?”
“I’m not happy with the way I handled things during the recent outbreak.”
Cocking his head, Sheppard asked, “Why not?”
Lorne frowned. “I . . . tracked our own people down and locked them up.”
“Well, those were my orders.”
“Sir,” Lorne said, taking a few steps toward the edge of the dock. “We had to use force on a few people, and I didn’t even think twice about it.”
“No one was seriously hurt. If you hadn’t rounded them up, things might’ve been worse.”
The weather was balmy, but there was a hushed breeze that took the thickness out of the air. Still, Lorne found himself regretting his decision to leave his jacket on when he came looking for Sheppard. He could feel a film of sweat starting to gather, and he knew it would chill against his skin when he went back into the cool interior of the city.
Stopping at the edge of the dock, Lorne turned to look at Sheppard. “I threw Teyla in the brig.”
Sheppard folded his arms across his chest. “You were doing what I would have done. You didn’t know who she was, and there was an unexplained crisis in your city. So you treated her like an unknown quantity and contained her until you could figure out what was going on.”
Lorne glanced up at the sky. “Sir,” he said. “The pills made me lose touch with reality. Teyla tried to get through to me . . . But I honestly don’t know what I would have done if Colonel Carter and the others hadn’t knocked me out.”
“Everyone who lost their memories still retained their personalities,” Sheppard said, ambling over to his golf bag and sliding the club inside. “You’re a good man, and I don’t think you would’ve hurt her.”
Biting the inside of his cheek, Lorne shook his head. “Sir, I was hopped up on pills. Good man or not, I could’ve hurt her.” He grabbed the hem of his jacket and crushed the fabric with his fingers.
“Again,” Sheppard said. “You were acting on the information you had. If you hadn’t taken those pills, you would’ve lost your memory completely. What do you think would’ve happened to you and your men then?”
“In time, we wouldn’t have known ourselves or each other.”
“And you’d have been armed. Maybe the pills screwed with your head, but they helped you hang on to some shred of your memory.” Sheppard selected a different club from his bag and walked back the green. “Given the alternative, I think things turned out pretty well.”
Lorne let out a sharp breath. “Sir, I know that. I know . . . I get it.” He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not trying to be disrespectful.”
Sheppard deposited the club onto the ground and took a step toward Lorne. “No,” he said. “You go on.”
Lorne glanced toward the open doorway as a couple of techs wandered by. When he was still with the mining detail back on P3X-403 with Colonel Edwards, they lived and worked out of tents or outside against the barren terrain of the planet. Since they didn’t have an office, they had to settle for a patch of land covered by a tarp or clearing by the woods to talk things out. Whenever Edwards wanted to bitch about the lack of supplies from the SGC or to chew Lorne out about whatever was ticking him off that day, they were pretty much out in the open, kind of like he and Sheppard were right now.
Not that Sheppard was chewing him out, but the feeling of being exposed was the same.
“Major,” Sheppard said. “Say what’s on your mind.” He was standing right in front of Lorne now, face to face.
Lorne clenched his jaw. He might as well get it out in the open. “You say I was following orders,” he said in clipped tones. “But from where I was standing, I did a lousy job.”
“How do you figure?”
“I lost control,” Lorne snapped. He let out a breath and added, “I lost control, and that pisses me off.”
“So what do you want me to do?” Sheppard asked. “You want me to yell at you? Would that make you feel better?”
“Yeah,” Lorne said, throwing his hands out to his sides. “Maybe.”
“Fine,” Sheppard snapped.
They gazed at each other for several moments, neither of them saying anything. As the silence settled around them, the realization that he’d gotten snippy with his CO started to creep into Lorne’s consciousness.
Before he had a chance to apologize, though, Sheppard narrowed his eyes and said, “Look, Lorne. I have no reason to yell at you.” He folded his arms across his chest. “Believe me. I know what it’s like to lose control.”
“This isn’t the first time,” Lorne said. “I almost shot you, Colonel.”
Sheppard gazed at him. “Are we talking about the sleepwalking incident? Again, not your fault. Alien entity.”
“But I had no control over my actions.” Lorne swallowed and shook his head. “I don’t even remember what happened that night. I woke up and found out I almost killed my CO.”
“Listen, Lorne,” Sheppard said. “There are some things we just have no control over. And unfortunately, we’ve encountered a couple of them recently.”
Lorne gazed down at the cold surface of the dock. “I feel like I’ve let you down.”
“Let me down?” Sheppard gazed at Lorne, a puzzled expression on his face. “You didn’t let me down.” He looked Lorne directly in the eye. “Look, if I wasn’t happy with your performance, you’d know it.”
Lorne nodded. “Yes, sir.”
“You’re a good officer.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“And Major?” Sheppard said, as he walked back to the green. “Lighten the hell up. Okay?”
Lorne felt himself start to relax a bit. “Okay, sir.” He gestured toward the interior of the city. “I have some paperwork to do, if you don’t mind.”
“Better you than me,” he smirked. “Hey, Major? You’re off tomorrow, right?”
“I’m not on the roster, sir.”
“Good.” Sheppard took a ball out of a nearby bucket and tossed it lightly in the air. “I want you to meet me back here tomorrow after breakfast. I’m gonna teach you how to play golf.”
Lorne raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware that golf was part of my duties, sir.”
“Well, it should be.” Sheppard said. “It’ll give us a chance to spend a little time together. And it’ll be fun.”
“I’m sure it will be.”
Sheppard gingerly sat the ball down on the green. “Ronon loves it.”
Lorne grinned. “Yes, sir. He’s always telling me how much he likes it.”
“Just wait and see. It’ll be fun.”
Chuckling softly, Lorne headed toward the doorway. He could feel the knots in his shoulders start to loosen, and he found himself strangely looking forward to tomorrow morning.
“Hey Major?” Sheppard called. “One more thing.”
Lorne stopped in his tracks and turned back toward Sheppard. “Yes, sir?”
“I . . . probably wouldn’t spar with Teyla for a few days,” Sheppard said with a grin. “Just in case.”
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