His jaunt had taken him downtown and his legs had wandered him into a nearby coffee shop. Sitting with a fresh coffee in hand, he watched the coming and goings of those outside. Some wore BDU’s, obviously base personnel. Others were civilians. Or perhaps officers out of uniform.
There were children. He hadn’t seen Human children since he left- Rodney wasn’t sure why he thought of such a thing. People were laughing, joking, talking. They were all so naïve. So innocent. So close to the mountain, but they had no idea.
Gulping down the last of his coffee, he slammed it back on the table. He needed to get away from these people. Needed to get around people who understood the pain he was in. Who understood what he was going through.
He wandered farther, debating if he was really willing to return to the SGC. When a side finally won, he found himself standing outside the mountain’s gates, paying a taxi driver. The guard gave him a weird look, but McKay ignored it, presenting his ID and walking through the lot. He needed his car, which was mostly the reason he had come. But, even as his eyes found his car off to the left, his legs led him to the mountain entrance. The elevator creaked as it began its descent. It climbed down all the levels, halting only half way down the mountain.
He maneuvered through the halls, down the elevator, his mind not processing anything of his trip until he finished. His internal musings had kept him unfocused and only half aware of his surroundings until that very moment when he realized that he was standing in front of Carter’s lab and just inside he could see her hard at work on something. He stepped inside, quietly as to not disturb her. He knew how annoyed he became when someone disturbed him when he was working. Plenty of people had commented on how irked he got. He felt guilty for doing the same to her.
“Don’t tell me you’re bored again, Cameron. Go annoy Daniel or Teal’c.”
“Sorry, I just-”
“McKay?” She spun around. He had stepped back, moving towards the door. “What are you doing here?”
“I- I had to get my car.”
“Oh… right.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. He rocked on the balls of his feet; his hands worked their way into his pocket. “So I, um… you said if I… ever wanted to talk… and I don’t, I’m just… here, so, I um…”
“Close the door.”
“Never thought you’d ask.”
“Rodney,” she scolded with a roll of her eyes. He laughed, but it was nervous and distant, and closed the door. When he turned back around, Sam was sitting watching him. It only served to heighten his nervousness. He took a breath to steady himself and paced over to her desk. Laying his hands on top of the bare surface, he fidgeted, tapping his fingers. Then he moved around, pacing in circles around her lab and examining some of the tools. Most were things he himself had in his own lab.
He stopped moving, feeling her eyes on him. She was waiting for him to begin. “We, um, we had met this… race. They, um, were just hitting their industrial phase. I guess they were at something like our 1900’s, I guess. But that’s pretty advanced for Pegasus.” He paused, looking up at her. She nodded, willing him to continue. He looked down, running his fingers over the surface of her desk before he started again. “They had a lot of political problems. It actually had a lot to do with power supplies. See, they, um, got power from coal, crude oil, like us, but territorial disputes made it hard for them to… It was amazing, the one government we were called in by had practically figured out nuclear power.” He was grinning with the memory as he paused to wet his lips, glancing at her again.
But the expression fell quickly, as did his eyes. “Weir was concerned of course, but they were- they seemed peaceful. She eventually gave me permission to help them finish- mostly at my urging. Me helping the Genii had been a big mistake, I thought… I thought maybe helping them…” His eyes sought hers desperately. She meet them, inwardly cringing as he begged for someone to forgive the guilt he was carrying over him. She wanted to offer him some words of comfort, but she had none. Instead, she simply laid her hand over his arm, comforting him the only way she knew how.
“It was going well. Ja’avid- the lead scientist- we… we worked pretty well together. He picked it all up fast. I made a nuclear reactor; I gave them everything they needed to make it work. Hell, I even helped them make plutonium rather than just using uranium. They…”
Rodney’s voice trailed off. His eyes were down and unfocused. Sam was stunned by his reaction. All she had ever known about Rodney was that he was an arrogant ass. But sitting there, watching some unknown memory flash before his eyes and see how badly it affected him, she knew instantly that the harsh reality in the Pegasus Galaxy had changed him, just as the Stargate had changed so many others. How it had changed Daniel; how it had changed her.
“Rodney,” she called to him softly, running her hand softly over his arm. He started at her touch, but when he looked up at her, she knew he didn’t see her.
“I don’t… I can’t… remember what happened… I was walking back to the house I was staying at. It was a nice night… it was a dark night… I can remember the hands grabbing me, the way- the rough hand that was holding my mouth shut. The feel of the material against my face. But I can’t remember their faces, I can’t remember how they knocked me unconscious, where they took me, how long it all took- just that it happened… I… They… They wanted nuclear power too. I didn’t want… I… I helped them, Sam. I helped them…”
/-
It was cold. That was his first conscious realization. The air was frigid and utterly still. He could feel the condensation forming on his lips; his tongue rolled over them and his next breath only served to make them colder.
He was on the ground, of that he was sure. It felt like stone- something hard. The paving seemed uneven- like stone blocks awkwardly set together. At least something hard was digging into his shoulder and his hand was starting to go numb. He wanted to shift, to find a more comfortable position, to ball up in hopes of warmth, but he didn’t dare move.
Slowly he let himself blink his eyes open. They opened briefly, but closed shortly after. There was no light, or at least none shinning too brightly. He opened his eyes again; there was nothing. He blinked once, trying to clear and focus his eyes. Once again he was met with utter darkness. Finally the fear of it startled him and he moved his head suddenly. But this only made him wince and ball up against the stone floor anyway. Something was right by his forehead- an unevenness in the floor. He was sure his forehead was bleeding, but he couldn’t be sure. Again he just tried to blink and, as he calmed down and took a few quick, deep breathes, he realized that something was around his head. A blindfold. There was something- the knot perhaps- was digging into the back of his head.
And finally, after he stopped, he noticed for the first time a sound. He wasn’t sure what it was. A pinging. A loud, echoing something. Constant, but slightly irregular…
One… two… three… ping… one… two… three… four… ping… one… two… ping… one… two… three… ping… one… two… three… four… five… six… ping… one… ping…
His lips had gone dry; it was instinct to wet them. Each breath made them number; each breath made his throat drier.
/-
She was hugging him. He didn’t know when he had sunk down into the other chair. He didn’t know when she stood or when her strong arms had wrapped around him. He didn’t know when he had started crying, but he found that he wasn’t embarrassed in front of her. Not right then.
Rodney stilled, sniffing some time later. But despite his calmed state, he didn’t try to move away from her. She had rested his head against her chest, her hand holding it against her body as she smoothed down his hair. He was never one to pretend that he didn’t have sexual fantasies about Sam Carter and he had never denied his feelings for her to anyone, even himself. But sitting there and being held by her like that- the reality of it made his head spin. Or maybe that was his pounding heart.
She shifted against him when she noticed him quiet, pulling away from him. Rodney looked up at her. His eyes were damp and the warm liquid still traveled down his cheeks. He found himself gazing into her blue eyes, his own thanking her for helping him lift the heavy burden from his chest. Her hand was still buried in his hair. She snaked it around, wiping the right side of his face dry. He sniffed again, raising his own hand to wipe the other.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“Don’t apologize. You needed that.” Rodney just nodded, no longer trusting his voice. He sniffed again, rubbing his eyes to clear it of the moisture.
“I don’t usually do this.”
“Rodney. Stop apologizing.”
“Sorry.” He sniffed again, fighting to control his breath. Once again he rubbed his eyes. They were undoubtedly red and puffy, and his face must be awkwardly spotted. “I’m disturbing you. I should… I should go. But thank-you for listening.” He rose, rubbing his nose and sniffing.
“Rodney?”
“Hmm?” He called, turning back from the door.
“You’re actually going to go out there like that?” She shook her head. “Maybe you’d like to help me with this?”
“Help you… with what?”
She gestured to her computer, cocking her head to the side. Rodney looked out the door, noticing the abnormal amount of traffic outside. With a nod he joined her at her desk.
Hours later he was amazed to say that he had found himself bickering over some inane piece of technology. They had no idea what it did and it seemed to them not to be important. Their bickering came naturally but Rodney didn’t mean anything by it and Sam knew it. It was becoming more like banter than a disagreement.
They must have worked for nearing four hours on the device with no success. Their jesting hadn’t been the cause of it; it simply didn’t appear to do anything. In four hours, he hadn’t thought once about what happened. His mind hadn’t wandered back to the Pegasus Galaxy; in fact it didn’t seem to even be in the Milky Way Galaxy for a time. It was at this point that Rodney leaned back in the chair, wheeling it back. “Is it just me or are you hungry?”
“What time it is?”
He sighed, checking his watch. “Four thirty… I don’t think I ate lunch.”
“They should be about to serve dinner.”
“I’ll take that.” He smiled, rising from his chair before her and opened the door, holding it opened to let her out.
“Why, McKay, you’ve become such a gentleman,” she teased, leaving Rodney smiling.
“Please, call me Rodney.”
She looked at him a moment with a frown drooping in her brow. “Rodney? I’ll try to remember that.”
The doctor smirked to himself, continuing down the corridor with her. After a few paces more, he glanced at her. “Does this mean I get to call you Sam now?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Think about it. Then I want to think more about you calling me Rodney.”
“Too late.”
“Why’s that?”
“I’ve already decided I like calling you Rodney.”
“You’ve never called- yes, you have haven’t you?”
“Yes I have.”
“That’s not fair.”
“All’s fair in love and war.” His pace slowed as he looked at her. Sam took a few more steps before realizing that he had fallen behind. Turning, she sent her brightest smile back at him. “Are you hungry or not, Rodney? Because I’m starving.”
“I’m coming, I’m coming, woman. Hold your horses.” She laughed in response and continued on her way.
They talked more than they ate as they picked at their food, discussing and rearguing the points they had already gone over. Sam was stuck on the symbols around it but Rodney was convinced they wouldn’t reveal much. “Since when does one find instruction manuals right on the alien machine?” was his opinion.
Rodney was focused on the radiation the machine emitted. Carter was certain it was a shield of some sort, despite what the inhabitants of P3X-9891 had told her when they gave her the device. She doubted they had built it, or that they had ever discovered how to make it work. Rodney wasn’t convinced it was a shield either.
Picking at the last of her meal, Sam looked up at Rodney as he finished off his soda. “Think we should take a break?”
“Tired of me already?”
“No. Just if I don’t leave before too long, Mitchell will be arriving in my lab and he has a tendency of… well, he can be worse than General O’Neill.” His thoughts drifted to the image of the General he had meet on a few occasions fiddling with Carter’s things. He didn’t know this Mitchell, but he could understand what she was talking about.
“Right. At least you manage to get home at a decent hour.”
“Sometimes. But I have a tendency of working then anyway.”
Rodney smirked. “Gonna work on this?”
“I might.”
He nodded. “Okay, so I’ll get going then.”
“Okay.”
It took Rodney nearly an hour after he and Sam parted ways to make it home. He stopped to check on the things in his locker- he had left his Atlantis uniform, his vest, and a few things that he didn’t need there on Earth in a base locker for safe keeping. There was something in one of his vest pockets, something he brought on every mission with him. Holding it between two fingers, he looked down at the picture. It was old and worn, the corners tattered, the one edge more so as it had been torn down the center years ago. A blonde haired teen hugged a young man. They both smiled at the camera. A hand crept into the corner, but the rest of the person wasn’t visible. Rodney slipped the picture into his back pocket.
He stopped at the coffee shop and sipped at the hot liquid on the way back to his car. He stopped before he reached it, deciding instead to sit outside and enjoy the sun. It wasn’t a usual habit of his- he claimed that it was because of his sensitive skin- but his mind was cluttered with several thoughts, thoughts he seriously needed to sort out. Sitting in the warm sun, his mind went over the data he and Sam had collected that afternoon and over everything they had discussed.
His mind strayed to his sister- how much he missed her, their last conversation. She had yelled at him for not coming, he had told her he couldn’t. She had asked to know what was so important, he said he couldn’t tell her. She wanted to know why she couldn’t contact him, he couldn’t answer. She wanted to know why he was so worried, he just said good-bye.
After a while his thoughts strayed to Sam herself. Old feelings and new. He still felt rather numb, but that afternoon of getting back into the thick of things helped to make him feel more like himself. She still entranced him like she had before. He still loved her smile, her laughter. He once found himself starring off into her crystal eyes- she snapped her fingers in his face and he wrote it off as deep thought.
The deeper in thought he became, the more he forgot about the people around him, the less he sipped at his coffee, the less bothered by the sounds of life around him. The deeper he got, the less he was able to control his train of thought. Eventually his mind drifted to a dark corner of his mind, one he had tried desperately to forget.
/-
Slowly he let himself blink his eyes open. They opened briefly, but closed shortly after. There was no light, or at least none shinning too brightly. He opened his eyes again; there was nothing. He blinked once, trying to clear and focus his eyes. Once again he was met with utter darkness. Finally the fear of it startled him and he moved his head suddenly. But this only made him wince and ball up against the stone floor anyway. Something was right by his forehead- an unevenness in the floor. He was sure his forehead was bleeding, but he couldn’t be sure. Again he just tried to blink and, as he calmed down and took a few quick, deep breathes, he realized that something was around his head. A blindfold. There was something- the knot perhaps- was digging into the back of his head.
And finally, after he stopped, he noticed for the first time a sound. He wasn’t sure what it was. A pinging. A loud, echoing something. Constant, but slightly irregular…
One… two… three… ping… one… two… three… four… ping… one… two… ping… one… two… three… ping… one… two… three… four… five… six… ping… one… ping…
His lips had gone dry; it was instinct to wet them. Each breath made them number; each breath made his throat drier.
Ping… ping…
A leaky faucet. It was the first thought that came to him after listening for a time. The incessantly irregular dripping. Water was coming from somewhere, but he was too tired and too cold and it was too dark for him to try to search the source out. Maybe he should have, maybe he shouldn’t have surrendered so easily. Maybe he should have fought harder, found a way out, found some way to escape. But for once it just didn’t seem worth the energy…
/-
He pressed his eyes into the balls of his hands, taking deep, steadying breaths to calm his mind.
Rubbing his nose, he looked around him. No one had stopped to take notice of him, no one ever did. Sam was the only one who ever did notice.
At some point he found himself back in his car, driving down the road. He steered automatically, letting his memory lead him. The scene played over, only it was silent. The sounds were gone, but so were the real sounds of the world. The road blended with the image of the planet.
A thought had occurred to him earlier when he had ordered his coffee. He didn’t recall parking his car or unlocking the door to his apartment. Vaguely he recalled removing his coat and picking up the phone, but his focus returned when he heard her voice.
“Carter.” She waited a beat for a response. “Hello?”
“Oh, sorry,” Rodney shook his head, hitting himself as he muttered about his stupidity under his breath. “Sorry, um… You know you sound very sexy when you say your last name like that.”
“I know you didn’t call just to harass me.” Her words sounded annoyed but he could hear her smiling.
“I might have.”
“Rodney.”
“Okay, so… I might have called about a serious topic.”
“Which is?”
He thought he heard a motor stop, then a car door slam. “Where are you?”
“At home.”
“Oh.”
“Oh… what?”
“Oh, I just… was kind of hopping you’d still be on the base.”
“Why?” She sighed. He heard another door open, then close. “What’s up?”
“I had an idea about that… what are we calling that thing, any way?”
“‘We’?”
“As in ‘we the people of Earth’?” The sarcasm was there, but he only half felt his old wit.
“Nice save. And I have no idea.”
“Well, the device from P3X-9891- that’s just a boring title. Can we name it something like ‘the greyish object with seventeen symbols’?”
“You don’t think that’s a bad name?”
“Yes I do, but it explains exactly what it is.”
“Are we seriously having a conversation about this?”
“Sorry, if I’m not surrounded by supposed geniuses, I’m surrounded by military lackeys. I have trouble forgetting that I can actually use big words with you.”
“So what was this thought?”
“I don’t know. Probably nothing.”
“I have the computer simulation of the device here at my house.”
“Are you looking at it?”
“No. But what’s your thought.”
“That- well I’d need another look at the thing. I-I don’t know. Weird, stupid thought. Forget I called.”
“Rodney, are you just trying to get me to invite you to my house?”
He blinked, then looking up, finding only a wall to meet his gaze. “Hadn’t actually thought about that…”
“Come over; I was going to work on this thing any way.”
“I shouldn’t.”
“I live on Crescent Lane.”
“Crescent Lane?”
“Yes. Number 35.”
“Okay. I’ll be over… as soon as I can find it.”
“Okay.” She laughed and he couldn’t stop the smile from gracing his features. “It’s just off Main Street. See you in a little bit.”
“Yeah. Bye.”
Rodney lowered the phone from his ear slowly. He took a moment to stare at it, as if the object itself could give him an answer. He spent the moment utterly amazed by her invitation. And then, as if rational thought had suddenly returned to him, he rushed to set the phone onto the cradle. He always left his keys in the hall by his coat. Grabbing those things, he made it half way down the hall before he realized he knew nothing of the layout of the city. He had no idea where Sam might live. Main Street was… well, he really didn’t know.
McKay was always known for his ego, his pride, but he was hardly above the traditional male stereotype of stopping at the gas station and asking for directions. It took three wrong turns, two U-turns, and stalking the street before finding the right number.
It was a normal, sub-urban house. He smirked, almost amused by the irony. Sam was nothing if not the complete opposite of “normal”. The thought of her living in a classical “white-picket” house with modest trimmings and a well tended garden brought images of a superhero in disguise. He almost imagined her with a different name when living in her house- Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter was just her equivalent to Superman or Spiderman or… well, he wasn’t up on his comic books.
Stepping up the walkway, he rapped gently on the doorway. He was fidgeting and, as if it would stop it, he turned to face the road, watching as the occasional car drove by.
“Rodney.”
“Sam,” he replied, whipping his head around first before his feet followed. For a moment he rocked on his heels, finally asking, “Can I come in?” Sam moved aside, a blush in her cheeks telling him that she was somewhat embarrassed. He shifted past her, turning to wait for her to close the door and lead him into her house. He shifted his weight, uncomfortable in the new surroundings. The computer strap shifted off his shoulder; he fixed it.
“Why don’t we work in the living room? I have my computer set up in there.” Rodney just nodded, gesturing for her to lead the way. She brought him through the hallway, past the stairs, and into an open area. There were two couches and a couple of recliners scattered about the room. A coffee table was placed near one of the couches, on which Sam’s laptop was opened. She offered him a seat, then stayed standing to offer him something to eat or drink. Against his characteristic of being chronically hungry and addicted to caffeine, he declined.
“Shall we get started?”
“Sure. What was this thought of yours?”
“Well,” he took a deep breath and started his rant.
Three hours later, after two sandwiches and one pot of coffee, the two scientists were finally on their way towards an idea of what the device did. It was Rodney’s belief that the abnormal energy readings that they were getting from the device resembled the ZPMs. Sam agreed that it could possibly be some kind of power source, but neither of them could determine how to use it.
“So do you think it’s actually Ancient?”
Rodney shrugged. “The symbols look Ancient.”
“But Daniel can’t read them.”
“Just because he can’t read it, doesn’t mean it’s not Ancient… It looks Ancient.”
“You already said that.”
“I meant the design.”
“But if they already had the ZPM, why would they make this thing?”
“I don’t know. Why would they make anything they made? Maybe it’s supposed to be portable.”
“ZPMs already are portable.”
“But,” he said shaking his fingers, slapping them together as he often did when an idea struck him, “They have to be placed in an interface between the ZPM and the device it’s powering.”
“So?”
“So? So, you’re right, that makes no sense…” he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Why don’t we take a break?”
“We just took a break.”
“Two hours ago.”
“Hmm?” Rodney relaxed away from the table, shifting his weight against the cushions to get a better look at her. He watched as Sam bit her bottom lip, staring down at the screen. He smirked; she looked cute.
“Can I ask a question?” she said slowly. Rodney couldn’t remember a time that she had sounded so hesitant. She glanced up at him. “One that’s on kind of… shaky ground?”
“Shaky ground? That sounds dangerous.” She wasn’t smiling, but he smirked nevertheless.
“How long did you stay on Atlantis before… before you came to Earth?”
Rodney sighed, looking down at the floor between his legs, looking at his hands, at the coffee table, at the clock on the far wall, anything but her big blue eyes and her round face. “Three weeks… I spent a few days in the Infirmary. I talked to the shrinks. I felt fine. And then… all of the sudden I just…”
“Just what?”
“I wasn’t sleeping well. It started to affect my work. People began to notice that I wasn’t eating and sleeping.”
“And why send you to Earth? They have doctors there who could have helped.”
Rodney just shrugged. “Because they tried. I refused to talk to them. They tried to tell me that I couldn’t go into my lab or the control room. I was supposed to rest. But I ignored that order- got myself into some trouble.” He stole a look at her, even though he was afraid to see her reaction. She seemed pitying almost. Sorrow had crept into her eyes and her face seemed to soften.
“So they sent you to another world where you’d be on vacation?” Rodney shrugged. “I wouldn’t consider that a vacation. I always need to be working on something. I imagine that you’re the same way.”
“Oh I am. Why do you think I ended up at the SGC half asleep? It’s in my nature…” At that point, he was looking at her, smiling with a hint of mischief in his eyes. Sam suspected that this was him at his most unguarded state, when arrogance and self-importance weren’t necessary to survive in the world of science. But the moment passed too quickly for her liking. His walls returned and a look of recollection told her he was considering why he was there on Earth. “I didn’t have a break down suddenly or anything, if that’s what you’re asking. Somehow I think I’d be in therapy, not on vacation.”
“That’s what you’re calling this?”
“Sure. Why not? Two years in another galaxy, first time back home without responsibilities… vacation,” he shrugged.
“So… they just sent you back?”
“I just- I’ve been working a lot lately and with everything going on… Elizabeth just thought I should come back home for a little while.” She stared him hard in the eye, watching for any sign that it wasn’t entirely the truth. But he didn’t waver under the scrutiny, something she thought a person like Rodney even telling the truth would do. She had always thought of him as something of a coward when it really came down it, but when she found out he was going to Atlantis, she would admit to being surprised. But seeing him over a year later, she was even more surprised at the changes in him.
“Right. Sorry.”
He cleared his throat and looked back at the image of the device. “So… you still think that it’s some kind of weapon?”
“I can’t think of anything else.”
He sighed. Sam looked over at him. The other day he had looked close, if not in the middle of a breakdown. Exhausted, withdrawn, confused. But sitting in her living room- which she was still trying not to think about- on her couch, he looked like she imaged she did. A little tired and running mostly on adrenaline and caffeine as they both had been since college years. Maybe they had seen the Rodney she had a few days ago, maybe they hadn’t.
She watched as he played with his fingers. She had learned over the past few hours that it was something he occasionally did when in deep thought. He leaned into the cushions, tossing his head back against them, groaning with the strain of the movement. It was then she realized how casual they were. Back in her office, it was as professional as she might be with Siler or another scientist. Perhaps she would even say that by the end of it, it was as professional as she would be with Daniel. They sat sometimes next to each other, sometimes apart; sometimes talking, sometimes fixated on the device or on data; sometimes they bantered, broke their strain of thought to stave off the inevitable frustration while other times they argued, because of that frustration. But Sam knew it was also because, in those hours, they had found that arguing was only a derivative of their odd banter.
But sitting and working in her house was not professional at all. It wasn’t even something Daniel and she had ever done. But there was McKay, a man she would have called an arrogant bastard not worth her time days ago, sitting with her, chatting amicably between long rants about theories, about data, about laws of physics and laws of science. She was sitting next to him, with her feet curled underneath her, wearing jeans and a thin shirt, leaning into her couch watching him as he, dressed just as casually, reclined with his eyes closed and legs crossed beneath the table. If someone who didn’t know them walked in, she was sure they would think he was a good friend, maybe boyfriend. The scary part of that thought was that it didn’t bother her.
The scary part of the past few days was that she found herself thinking back to a few years ago when she first meet him and then their second encounter. He had pissed her off, irked her so badly, but in the end she realized that it wasn’t his cockiness or his attitude that did it- well maybe the first time- but it was the fact that for the first time in a while, she had finally meet someone who could keep up with her on a level no one else had ever come close to. Not Pete, not the Colonel, not Teal’c or Daniel, not any of her boyfriends in the past.
It had bothered her then. It had blinded her to a few facts that now she saw quite clearly.
Grey blue eyes were suddenly focused on her. She returned his gaze. It wasn’t the first time she had thought he had beautiful eyes. It was, however, the first time she let herself really look at them and take them in- let herself be taken in by them. They were soft, capable of displaying every thought, every feeling. The capability of being so opened, and yet Rodney built walls around himself and blocked off the world from him.
She let herself see him for the first time as a man and not another scientist. She let herself see the softness in his eyes when he looked at her. The subtle way his face relaxed and the corners of his lips twitched with a smile. His feelings for her were something he never bothered to keep a secret, but it was also something he made sound so under him, a simply lustful attraction or some insignificant crush. The way he was looking at her had her thinking otherwise. Something about the way he looked at her pulled at the pit of her stomach and compelled her to do something.
He was still watching her. It seemed like a long time later, but her rational mind told her it had only been moments. His smile was faltering and confusion was slowly creeping into his brow.
Rodney wondered what was running through her mind in those minutes. Was she thinking about him or someone else perhaps? Or maybe it wasn’t a person that had captivated her thoughts, but something else entirely. Maybe her gentle face wasn’t meant for him. Maybe it was an old memory. A fond one. Or maybe…
It was this rant that Rodney’s mind was on before he realized Sam’s eyes were getting bigger- no, closer. She had shifted her weight and had started to lean closer to him. The feeling of her breath against his cheek was the most amazing feeling. So gentle, so warm, so real. For a long time he wasn’t sure if what he was seeing was real or an imagined thought of his, the situation so like the many scenes that had played through his mind. It was when her lips touched his, sending a jolt through his system, that he believed it was really happening. Rodney leaned into her, his eyes falling shut.
The kiss was short compared to others, but it was still pleasant. Rodney pulled away, sucking on his bottom lip in thought. He was still staring at her lips when the urge to lean forward began to over power him, pleaded with him to capture her lips and to not submit so easily to being rational. His control only came when he looked up and caught her eye. Shock was most obvious, but it was not the only thing that clouded her blue orbs. What he saw made the compelling pull of lust fall too dramatically to a sickening trepidation. He searched her eyes for any sign of disgust; he didn’t know what he had found.
Against his desire to stay, he leaned back away from her. He couldn’t help but notice her face relax ever so subtly. He looked away, biting the inside of his cheek. His first instinct was to leave before she changed her mind. Before she was able to open her mouth and tell him that it had been a mistake. But he didn’t want to leave. The hope that she would lean back into him and kiss him again overpowered the anxiety of anything she might say. Overpowered the dread that was slowly growing.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” she said quietly. Rodney shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”
He started to shake his head more forcefully. “It’s okay,” was the only response that came to mind. “I-” Rodney paused. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. If he wanted to tell her that he liked it, that it was perfect. That she was lovely, gorgeous. Or should he insist that he should go?
He looked down at the coffee table, at the floor, at the fold in her jeans just below her knee. The curves led his eyes back to her face. “I should probably go.” All she could think to do was nod. He nodded back until he slowly realized that it was the only movement he was making. “Unless…” Rodney trailed off again. He knew what he was trying to say to her, he just didn’t have the nerve to actually ask it of her. He saw in her eyes that she understood- understood that he wasn’t asking for more kissing, more anything sexual- but she made no motion to suggest it.
“Okay,” he whispered softly, “I’m gonna go then.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. It was… there is no word to describe it that’s not cheesy.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Later that night, Rodney wouldn’t dream his usual nightmare. He would instead relive the feeling of the despair he felt when he stood and she didn’t grab his arm, or when he made it to the door and she stood holding it for him but didn’t ask him to stay. But this would be followed by the reality of their kiss, extending into more erotic thoughts, only to be crushed, blending and blurring and returning to the rejection and the heartache he felt when he left.
He wouldn’t wake up until late that morning. He would eat, then drown his sorrows in an early morning cartoon before taking a cold shower and trying to pretend that he didn’t care.