TITLE : Welcome To My Truth.
AUTHOR : Lucy Maria Elmer
SUMMARY: Dr Rodney McKay learns what its like to open your heart up to another.
CATEGORY: Weir and McKay friendship/UST.
RATING :PG
SEASON: Early season 1.
SPOILERS: Hide and Seek and Rising Parts 1 and 2.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on Copyrights or trademarks were intended. Previously
Unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author. I also don't own the rights to any of the songs whose titles I have used in this fic. I just think they're pretty songs and I think the name Welcome To My Truth which is the title to an Anastacia song fits this really well.
Rodney McKay walked tiredly through Atlantis, so many thoughts whizzing through his head that he thought it was going to explode. Usually after a hard days work sleep came to him reasonably quickly but that night it was eluding him. Instead his head was so full of information, thoughts and emotion to do with the new circumstances that all on Atlantis had found themselves a part of and he found it impossible to settle. He was feeling truly overwhelmed and he knew rest wasn't going to come easy that night.
Deciding to get some fresh air he headed outside, nodding a greeting to everyone he passed and checking everything was running smoothly as he went, willing his mind to shut down a little so rest could take over.
When he arrived and watched the water ripple under the nights sky he felt soothed but once again it hit him just how unbelievable the past few years of his life had been. First there was the discovery of the Stargate and then the realisation of what travelling to distant galaxies meant for humanity and for Earth and the implications it had on history. Then there were the problems that came with opening such a device. The Goa'uld threat to Earth and Earths allies. The problems faced by the teams that went off world. And then there was this...Atlantis. They had found the lost city of Atlantis. On a different planet than expected but they had found it truly existed and were now there. He was standing on it. Who would have thought when he was a child that Rodney McKay would be standing on a city that as far as much of Earth was concerned only existed in myth?
Rodney stood looking at the water, watching the lights reflected on it by Atlantis dance under the dark sky. It was so quiet and peaceful out there. So different to the chaos that normally was occurring inside, albeit a well controlled chaos most of the time. Normally he revelled in the madness. He was normally the cause of it. But that night he just needed to get away from it and outside was the only place he could go.
He sat down and quietly let the silence calm his busy mind but when he heard someone sneeze he quickly became aware of another presence with him. He turned around to see a young woman sitting a couple of metres away from him, whose face he recognised but who he couldn't place.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tissue. He then shuffled along the floor to her and handed it to the young woman who smiled at him gratefully.
"Thank you." She told him smiling warmly.
Rodney smiled in response noting how penetrating her brown eyes seemed and how they seemed to look into your soul.
"You are Doctor McKay?" She asked him softly.
"Uh yeah. Yeah I am. And you are.... You're not one of ours are you? " He asked her.
She shook her head.
"No I am not. I am Athosian. I am called Kaiya." She told him bowing her head slightly.
"Ah good....not good that you're Athosian and had to leave your home world because of the Wraith. I mean good that you're not one of our people who I clearly don't remember and which would be very rude of me.... Sorry. Sometimes I ramble." He told her grinning sheepishly.
"That is okay. Your people seem to do a lot of that."
"We do." McKay agreed smiling. "Good observation."
Kaiya smiled.
"Do you often come out here in the evenings Doctor McKay?" Kaiya asked him softly, in a tone similar to Teylas.
"Do you?" He replied looking at the water that surrounded them.
"Only when I cannot sleep. I find it...."
"Peaceful?" Rodney finished.
"Yes peaceful." Kaiya agreed. "You cannot sleep either?" She asked.
"No. Not tonight." He told her simply, pulling his jacket around him.
"Me neither. I tried your Earth drink coffee. Lieutenant Ford offered some to me. I felt it rude not to try it and now I cannot sleep."
"Ah so you're wired." Rodney replied smiling a little.
Kaiya looked at him, her face an expression of utter confusion.
"I am not familiar with the term wired." She told him frowning.
"Coffee has caffeine in it. It's like a mental stimulant. If you drink coffee, especially before you want to sleep it stimulates the mind and makes it busy. Wired means that you`re too preoccupied and energetic and that your mind is too active...it`s hard to explain."
"I think I understand. Yes I do believe I am wired as you say."
"Coffee is also a traditional morning drink consumed by Scientists everywhere to keep them alert and..."
"Hyperactive?" Kaiya offered.
"Depends which scientist." McKay replied smiling. "I think when you've consumed as much coffee as some of us have done in a lifetime you start to grow immune to its effects."
"What is your reason for not being able to sleep?" Kaiya asked him softly.
"Oh no it's fine. Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine." He told her inwardly cursing himself for probably sounding way too fake.
"My people believe that if something is causing worry and stress that to share it may lighten the burden on your heart and mind." Kaiya told him wisely.
"How old are you?" He asked her surprised at her wisdom.
"I am twenty-three of your years I believe." Kaiya told him playing with her long blonde curls.
"That is a very wise statement for someone so young."
"It is my people's wisdom. I just share it when I see the need for it to be shared with another." Kaiya explained.
"I'm fine really. Thank you for the concern. It's my scientist mind. It's always busy." He told her, knowing it was an excuse and wondering if she'd see past it.
Kaiya nodded.
"Does it ever feel like a curse to possess so much intelligence?" Kaiya asked him curiously.
"You think I'm intelligent?" He asked her propping his head up with his arm and looking at her tiredly but with his full attention.
"You call yourself a genius don't you? And you must be intelligent to be here on Atlantis with Doctor Weir and Doctor Beckett. You would not be here for no reason. Your people speak very highly of your intelligence." Kaiya pointed out to him pulling her sweater around her tightly as the air began to chill.
"Yeah when they want something and when they're not busy laughing about my whining and me." McKay said quietly, immediately feeling uncomfortable for opening up and playing with his bootlace so as not to look up at her.
"You believe you are not well liked?" Kaiya asked him.
"What you asked earlier about whether I believe possessing so much intelligence is a curse? I don't believe it is. I like knowing all that I know about Science. I've been able to work with a brilliant Scientist back on Earth called Samantha Carter and here with Doctor Weir. I've been able to come here and to work on the Stargate programme back home. I've been able to make a difference and to make discoveries that are so incredible and incomprehensible. But I do think there is a curse that comes with that kind of knowledge and that's arrogance. Arrogance is something that I have bucket loads of."
"Bucket loads? I do not understand the expression." Kaiya told him.
"It's okay. Just wallowing in self-pity." He commented.
"Science makes you feel good about yourself? You're comfortable in the knowledge that you know so much on the subject? It`s something that you can immerse yourself in and forget about everything else?"
McKay studied the young woman in front of him, amazed at her knowledge and wisdom.
"Sometimes." He told her a little uneasily.
"I am like that with my music. When I sing it is as if all else ceases to exist and I am just there in the song. Nothing else matters."
"You're a musician?" Rodney asked her.
"I am. I love to sing. My people speak highly of my voice though I do not believe I possess as big a gift as they say that I do." She told him modestly.
"I used to play piano." Rodney told her then noticing her confused expression. "...It's a musical instrument back home. I used to love it. I was pretty good too. I would have loved to do it as a career. You know professionally...as a job...but I was told I wasn't good enough." He told her regretfully.
"And so you became a scientist?" Kaiya asked him.
McKay nodded.
"Yeah I did. And look where I am now. I always wanted to play the piano. I'd still love to play the piano. I love music. But I gave it up because I took notice of one criticism. Now here I am. One of the best Scientists involved in this project doing something so unbelievable and incredible and which I love. No one can say I'm not good at this like they did with music. And so I get arrogant. I act like I'm better sometimes. I don't listen to people and I'm cocky. And so yeah in that way I am cursed because it drives people away. "
"Is this why you cannot sleep? You are worried about what people think of you here?"
"I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed that's all. I don't know why I'm talking about this..." He told her getting up.
"Because you need someone to listen and you don't want it to be one of the people who matter to you in the way that they do." Kaiya offered. Looking inside at the people who had welcomed her own people into Atlantis.
McKay looked at her for a moment and began to pace.
"It is all right to talk. I will not reveal anything you say to my people or your own. Even the brightest flame has to flicker sometimes."
"You know I don't care if they don't like me here. I don't care if they think I'm whiny and arrogant and sarcastic. I don't care if they think I have a superiority complex or that I'm afraid of everything. I don't care because I know they couldn't do this without me." He told her.
"I think you do care. You want them to respect you as the person that you are as well as the scientist that you are. You're worried that as you do they see your faults magnified and do not accept them."
Rodney looked at the floor.
"Every person is unique. Every person has different characteristics that make him or her individual. The people that surround you grow to accept these. It is a part of who you are. You are invaluable here as you say and they know that. They also accept the things about you that you're uncomfortable with. You're a community. A team. They accept you and like you for who you are."
"I just sometimes wonder if who I am repels people away. I don't want it to keep happening. It's happened since I was a child. I don`t want to be away from home like this and have no one because they think I'm just cocky and uncaring." He told her quietly.
"The side of you I am seeing.... This is a side to you that not many people see?" Kaiya asked.
"Yeah I guess it is. I have a reputation to keep up." He told her with a small smile.
"I will not tell." Kaiya replied.
"I know." McKay told her knowing within him that this was a true statement.
"This side to you. The gentle and pensive side. The side of you which is more sensitive and unsure. It is a side you rarely show to them."
"Not really."
"Why? It is a part of you. Why do you not show it to them?"
"I guess I'd rather keep up appearances. I'd rather they think all those things about me than for me to have to open myself up to them. I'd rather do this than let myself get hurt."
"You trust them with your life every day..."
Rodney laughed, Kaiya smiling too.
"That I'm not so sure about." He told her grinning. "The things we've had happen since we arrived here..."
Kaiya nodded.
"So why if you trust them with your life can you not trust them to see this part of you that you hide? I'm sure they know it's there. I've seen it in you when you are with Doctor Weir. Sometimes then it is most apparent. Your race is very complex. You are worried that they think you are whiny and arrogant and superior, and yet you'd rather they think that than see all of your personality. You'd rather they see you in a way that at times you would rather not be seen in, than for them to see you in the way I see you now and the way Elizabeth sees you."
"How do you know how Elizabeth sees me?"
"From observing you both I can see that you are close. With her you sometimes let your guard down in both your interaction with her and your care for her. I believe that in time this will be the same with the others as you all grow and become more familiar with each other." Kaiya told him.
"Do you think she sees me as arrogant?"
"She sees who you are. She sees all everyone else does and maybe a little more. Do not be ashamed of what makes you the person you are."
"I'm not ashamed of myself. For the longest time I just wasn't accepted okay? That's how I got to be the person I am today. I know I shouldn't be ashamed of that. Why should I be? I'm great now." He told her nodding his head as if he was agreeing with himself. "But then if I really thought that we wouldn't be having this conversation would we." He muttered. "What is happening to me?" He asked Kaiya softly.
"Even the best person must have doubts about something. I have to admit that it is my belief that no one person is better than anyone else is. People are just talented in different areas and a lot don't know it. If you assume that you are a better person than everybody else is then it may cause you problems. Maybe that is why you feel so uncomfortable, and if people have problem with you the reason why they do. "
"Are you saying they do have a problem with me?" Rodney asked Kaiya quietly.
"All I am saying is that sometimes arrogance can drive people away. They respect you and think a lot of you. You are a part of their team. Part of the family that we have here. But doesn't it tell you something that we keep coming back to arrogance in this conversation? Maybe they are not the ones who have a problem with it. Maybe it's a part of you that you feel uncomfortable with too."
"I like that I'm respected for something. I like that I am one of the best at what I do. I like that for once people can't say that I'm not good enough because I'm here and to be here you have to be one of the best."
"I agree you do. And it's not wrong to like the respect that you have earned for yourself and to feel good that people can`t say that you`re not good at what you do. We all know that you're good here. Maybe you don't need to keep proving it all the time or keep saying it. Those things don't make it any truer than we already think it is. You seem to have a side of you that is so different to the one you show them all. You're thoughtful and deep. You care what they think about you whether you tell yourself you don't or not. You care what she thinks. So why not show them this side sometimes? It's not bad to be the way you are. You're a proud man and a talented one and you've earned it. She like's you for who you are, and for who she knows that you can be. Don't be afraid to embrace all of your personality." Kaiya told him wisely then yawning.
"You're getting tired?" Rodney asked her, his thoughts drifting to Elizabeth as he wondered how she saw him.
Kaiya nodded. and got up. She walked to where she could look over the water and watched it ripple, breathing in the crisp night's air.
"This must be hard for your people." Rodney commented. "We prepared ourselves as much as we could for this but you had to flee for your lives to Atlantis."
Kaiya turned around to face him.
"It has been hard leaving home. But being here with such brave and intelligent people.... It has been enlightening. Hard...but enlightening. Learning about other cultures is always refreshing. Besides...there's good company here." She told Rodney, her eyes twinkling.
"See we're gonna make a scientist out of you yet." Rodney told her grinning.
Kaiya smiled in return.
"So I saw that twinkle. You like someone don't you?" He teased.
Kaiya blushed.
"Someone you...met here?" He asked her, Kaiya's gaze falling to the ground as she smiled sheepishly.
"I knew someone had to fall for my charms." He teased her.
Kaiya laughed.
"I am sorry Dr McKay. I'm afraid it is not your charms I have fallen for as you say."
Rodney got up and walked over to her, he studied her carefully.
"Let me think. It's Shepphard right? I bet its Shepphard. All the ladies love his boyish charms."
Kaiya shook her head.
"So it's not Shepphard. Beckett? You've fallen for his Scottish accent and want his babies?"
Kaiya giggled and shook her head.
"So it's neither me, nor the cute Major and it's not our resident Scotsman...?" Rodney commented thoughtfully.
"Were we not talking about you?" Kaiya prompted trying to steer the conversation away from where it was headed and the embarrassment that was sure to come with it.
"Why yes we were young lady but I have opened my heart to you so I think you should share something from yours with me." He told her smiling still.
"You believe I owe you something for listening to you because you told me about your thoughts and feelings?" Kaiya replied innocently.
"No. No I didn't mean it like that. There I go again sounding like a jackass."
"A jackass?" Kaiya asked raising her eyebrows and trying to hold back a smile.
"Oh god please don't go repeating that phrase to your parents. I'm sorry. I was just trying to lighten the mood."
"It is all right. I was merely trying to make you realise that sometimes you have to consider other people's feelings. You cannot expect something in return just because somebody has done something to help you."
"I know that. I really do. I'm not that selfish. I'm sorry. I tease people. It`s just my way. I don`t mean any offence."
Kaiya nodded.
"I know. And if you must know who I am...fond of.... It is..." Kaiya started.
"It's Ford isn't it? You like Lieutenant Ford." Rodney commented.
Kaiya blushed.
"I didn't mean to. I didn't expect to. I just.... Do." Kaiya told him. "And I don't know what to do about it yet or even whether to do anything."
"Liking someone is nothing to be ashamed of. It's natural." He reassured her.
"It just hasn't really happened to me before. Have you ever liked someone Dr McKay and not known what to do about it? Have you ever been in love?"
When Kaiya asked Rodney found his thoughts drifting to Elizabeth. If he had been asked that question previously he immediately would have thought of Samantha Carter but he didn't think he'd ever loved her. He thought she was beautiful and intelligent and he wouldn't have said no to taking her out and getting to know her further. But love? No. He didn't love very easily.
Since they had begun working together on the Atlantis Project he and Elizabeth had become close. She was intellectual like he was. He could talk to her, and she treated him with a lot more respect than some of the others on Atlantis did. With her he wasn't afraid to be himself and she let him be himself and accepted him for it even though he knew at times he could be a little too much for her. She even seemed to like him where as some of the others seemed to just tolerate him at times.
When he was with her he wanted to tell jokes and to make her smile the warm smile that brought reassurance to so many. He wanted to make her proud and help make their difficult situation as easy as he could by helping her any way he could. He wanted for her to be happy and to know that people respected her and cared for her welfare as much as she cared for theirs. He wanted her to know that her warm heart was appreciated and that she was. She was a remarkable woman. That he grew more and more sure of every day and he was honoured to be working with her and that she called him a friend. Just one smile from her made his heart flutter and....
Rodney looked at Kaiya who was frowning.
"Are you all right Doctor McKay?" Kaiya asked him.
"Uh yeah, I was just..." He started before drifting off into his own thoughts again. What did it mean that when asked about love he thought about Elizabeth? Were his feelings for her deeper than he thought? Was his heart trying to tell him something? Was this just a crush like with Sam? How had his thoughts drifted to her without him even realizing it?
"Doctor McKay?" Kaiya called again. "Are you unwell? Would you like me to get Doctor Beckett?" Kaiya asked.
"No Kaiya I'm all right. And it's Rodney." He told her warmly.
"All right. Rodney." Kaiya replied, repeating his name.
"You know when I was younger I really liked this girl. She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. She was smart and musical and so easy to talk to. We got on really well and I loved spending time with her. One day I got up the courage to ask her out. I bought her flowers and everything. Of course everyone thought I was a geek because I love science and played the piano and you know what happened when I asked her? She turned me down because she didn't want everyone to see her going out with the geek."
"That's very unfair." Kaiya commented.
"I was heartbroken. I truly was. She was the first girl that I ever really loved. So yes I have been in love, although I find it hard to love now and yes there have been times I've liked someone and not done anything about it because as unmanly as it is to admit I don't want to get hurt like that again. I don't want to take that chance only to be told I`m just the friendly neighbourhood geek. Not that I`m that friendly."
"Sometimes you have to take that chance I think. If you live your life not trying then you don't live at all. Not really. The love of your life could be right under your nose and you could miss the chance to be with her because you are afraid. No one deserves to be lonely."
"No one deserves to get hurt but it happens." Rodney pointed out. "I don't think I will ever truly find love. Not really. Who could love me?" Rodney asked quietly.
"What you said about hurt is very true. What you said about finding love that is not. She would never hurt you."
Rodney sighed.
"You keep mentioning her. You mean Elizabeth don`t you?" He asked Kaiya softly.
Kaiya looked at him with her deep brown eyes.
"You care for her a great deal."
"She's our leader. She's a friend...a good person." Rodney told the young woman quietly, not looking her in the eye.
"Who you care very much about. It is all right. I will not say anything." She told him softly and sincerely.
"She's too good for me. Elizabeth and Shepphard...that I could understand." Rodney told Kaiya and then let out a chuckle. "Who'd have thought Rodney McKay would be saying that?" He commented.
"Dr Weir is an incredible person. She has done all she can to welcome my people here and to help us all settle as a team here but even though she's a leader...our leader it doesn't make her any less lonely or any less one of us. If you keep thinking that she's too good for you then how will you ever really get to know her? She needs friends just as much as we all do." Kaiya pointed out.
"She's in a different class Kaiya. She's good with people. She has a warm heart. She's got so much care for others. I'm so different to that. I'm not good with people. I'd just push her away...or drive her away and she doesn't deserve that. Besides she has someone back on Earth."
"That does not mean you cannot be friends. You really should not think so badly of yourself." Kaiya told him.
"Sometimes I just wish that I were better with people you know? I just wish I wasn't around only for the brains and the comic relief. I wish I could be someone that truly means something."
"I thought you did believe that about yourself and your abilities. You tend to act like you believe that is so."
"It's called a front Kaiya. Not that I don't believe I'm brilliant..." He told her with a smile. "But you know what I mean."
"I believe that everyone was put in their various situations in life for different reasons. Maybe you are here to keep our spirits high and to keep things interesting. Rodney you are smart. I think you have had to deal with a lot of hostility because of your intelligence and I believe that hostility has made you the man that you are today but you're not all bad. You have to believe me when I say that and you have to believe that she sees that. When that entity was here.... Whatever it was...the shadow...you helped save us."
"I did what I had to."
"Then surely you must see how much good there is in you? You took action that could have cost you your own life to make sure we all had a chance to live ours. That's a selfless thing." Kaiya reassured him softly.
"Thank you." Rodney told her softly. "Really. For listening. It's been nice to talk to someone." He added honestly grateful.
"You should do it more often." Kaiya told him. "You should take my peoples advice and my own. Don`t let your heart be lonely."
Rodney nodded.
"Maybe I should." He replied in agreement. "I think you should go for it with the Lieutenant. Talk to him and get to know him. He's a good kid."
"I always thought so." Kaiya agreed.
"You've got nothing to lose." Rodney told her.
The pair was interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. They turned around to see Elizabeth standing there behind them in her civvies.
Rodney swallowed hard as he thought to himself how beautiful she looked. She was in a simple pair of jeans with a vest and a fitted jacket and yet she looked stunning.
"It's a beautiful night." Elizabeth told them looking out at the ocean and taking a deep breath of the nights air.
"It is indeed." Kaiya agreed.
"How are you Kaiya? Are you and your family settling in all right?" Elizabeth asked her warmly. putting an arm around the young woman.
"We are settling in as well as can be expected. Jayden is having nightmares but I am sure that with time they will pass. We are getting used to our surroundings just as you are."
"Jayden is your little brother right? The adorable little blonde haired boy with those cute curls and blue eyes?"
Kaiya nodded.
Rodney stood amazed at how much detail Elizabeth seemed to know about the people of Atlantis, both the Athosians and those from Earth. She had such a way with people and seeing her interact with Kaiya and show such concern for the young woman's well being and her families warmed his heart.
"He told me that you showed him the Stargate I think you call it this morning when he was a little upset? He was telling me earlier that Doctor Lizzy was showing him the big stone ring." Kaiya told her smiling.
"What can I say? I was a sucker for those tearful baby blue eyes. How old is he?"
"He's three of your years."
"He's adorable."
"I'm sure my parents will be honoured to hear that you think that." Kaiya told the older woman sweetly.
"So what are you two doing outside? Is everything all right?" Elizabeth asked them both concerned.
"We couldn't sleep. Kaiya's wired on some of Fords coffee and I came out to clear my head."
"You came to clear your head.... What's the matter? Are you all right?" She asked him quietly, so much concern apparent in her eyes.
"I'm fine. There's nothing for you to worry about. My mind is like a hamster on a wheel that just never stops running on. It always seems to be busy. " He told her hating to see her looking so worried and wanting to reassure her a little about his state of mind.
Weir laughed and Kaiya looked at them both confused at the hamster reference.
"Oh Kaiya, I meant to tell you. Lieutenant Ford is inside waiting for you. He wants to apologise for the coffee thing? Someone told him you were still up and I think he feels bad." Weir told the young woman.
"All right. He is just inside?" Kaiya asked motioning through the door, her eyes sparkling.
"Yes he is. Be gentle with him." Elizabeth told the young woman patting her on the shoulder before Kaiya began to walk to the door.
Kaiya turned back around before she left the pair.
"I hope you have sweet dreams Rodney. It was nice talking to you. Good night Doctor Weir. Sweet dreams to you also." Kaiya told them both smiling sweetly.
"Sweet dreams Kaiya. Say hello to your family for me." Weir told her.
Kaiya bowed her head and turned around.
"Kaiya?" Rodney called behind her.
The young woman turned around again.
"Sweet dreams.... And thanks." He told her sincerely.
"It was my pleasure." Kaiya told him smiling before walking back inside to leave the pair to talk.
For a couple of minutes the pair stood there in silence. After talking to Kaiya Rodney felt different somehow. More enlightened in a way. For the first time in a long while he had spoken about all of his insecurities and about past hurt and it felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He had never shared that with anyone before. He would like to with Elizabeth but wasn't sure how to even start to bring it into a conversation with her. For some reason he trusted her without question, but then would she really want the sarcastic and whiny Rodney McKay who she had arrived at Atlantis with revealing is innermost thoughts and feeling with her? Would it shock her to know that he had a heart after all?
He wanted Elizabeth to be aware of that fact more than anyone else on Atlantis. Talking to Kaiya had made him realise what aspects of himself he was uncomfortable with and he wanted to change them. He couldn't change who he was but he could try and be easier to be around for his colleagues sometimes and he wanted to be different with her. He wanted her to know that for all his faults he would be there for her if she ever needed him and that she could trust him. He didn't want her to think that because he could be brash he would be uncaring. That would never be the case with her. It was caring for her that made him want to be a better man.
As Rodney stood looking at the ocean, a pained expression on his face which made Elizabeth's heart break a little she realised just how little she really knew this man that stood beside her. She knew he was more intelligent than a lot of people on Atlantis and that he was incredibly witty. She knew he was sarcastic and a bit of a hypochondriac but when it came down to it she had no idea what was going on inside that head of his. Standing beside her was a man who every day seemed to antagonise someone, but that wasn't all there was to him and she knew that. There was no way that a man who had so much depth in his eyes and so much capacity for pain and who kept his heart so hidden couldn't have more to him than he showed them. She only wished that he would open up to her a little and that she could see the man he truly was, for at times there was a gentleness in his voice which she knew couldn't come from a man with a heart of stone. It was such gentleness that whenever he shared it, it disarmed her because more often than not it was meant for only her.
"You know we're going to have to find a way to stop that hamster wheel from spinning so you can get some rest. We can't have one of Atlantis' best minds sleep deprived." She told him breaking the silence.
He smiled softly.
"You know I've never seen you sitting out here before so late. I take it you weren't
expecting to
find Kaiya?" She asked him.
"No I wasn't. I'm glad I did. She's a good kid. I just needed some air and I needed to clear my head." He told her.
"It worried me when someone told me you were out here. I know that you sometimes find it hard here but it's not like you to shut yourself away from everyone." She told him concerned.
"I didn't shut myself away from everyone. Kaiya was here." He pointed out. "And what makes you think I find it so hard here?" He asked her a little shocked.
"You came out here intending to be alone. You admitted yourself that you didn't expect Kaiya to be here...and of course you find it hard here. You don't need to pretend to me that you don't. I know sometimes people are quick to joke about you and I know how hard it is sometimes for you to be around people..."
"And how do you know that? You don't even know me. Not really." he replied getting a little agitated.
"It's because you don't let me. We're all finding it hard here Rodney. You have to believe me when I say that. I didn't mean for what I just said to sound like an attack on you. I just want you to know that I'm aware that there's always a lot more going on with you than what you show. I'm concerned that's all."
"You don't need to be. Why does it shock you that I have feelings just the same as the rest of you?" He asked her quietly.
"It doesn't shock me one little bit. It's something I'm not always used to witnessing but I know it's there. I've seen it and its a part of you I like because it lets me see so much more of you. The concern is because I know you have it in you to be a kind and gentle man. I know that you have feelings and fears just the same as the rest of us...but you don't share them with anybody. That's a lonely way to live your life Rodney."
"And how would you know?" He replied sarcastically and he could see the hurt appear on her face. He immediately cursed himself for sounding so angry and causing her hurt. He never wanted to hurt her and he wished he could take it back.
"Because I'm the same as you." She replied a little tearfully. "Don't you think it's hard for me too? I'm the leader. I have to be brave all the time for the sake of our people and for the Athosians. I have to be in charge and be responsible all the time. I'm responsible for so many lives..." She said quietly, sitting down.
Rodney sat down at her side.
"There isn't a time or place for me to break down or to show any hurt or upset. Every minute of every day I worry about what kind of example I'm setting and whether or not I'm being a good leader. Any emotion I'm feeling, any weakness I'm feeling... I have to push it all aside until I'm alone in my quarters because I can't afford to show any weakness in front of all of you."
"You shouldn't have to leave it until you're by yourself. It'll just build up. You probably have more reason than we do sometimes to be feeling overwhelmed and upset. You can't keep it to yourself Elizabeth." He told her with such gentleness in his voice that she felt a tear roll down her cheek. Just those simple words had touched her more than he could ever know.
"I don't have a choice Rodney. You do. You can talk to me or to Dr Beckett. I know you get on with him and I know he'd listen. I have to be strong for the sake of everyone here."
"No you don't. Not all the time. No one should feel that they have to be strong all the time." Rodney told her feeling concerned.
"Maybe you should take your own advice." She told him quietly.
"Maybe I should. Look I know you probably wouldn't ever believe me but if you need to talk I'll listen. I know I can be a jackass but if you needed it I'd listen without a shadow of a doubt. You don't have to be strong in front of me. I'll always think you're one of the strongest people that I know no matter whether you scream or cry...nothing could change that and I'd never tell anyone anything." He told her looking at the ground shyly and playing with his bootlace.
Elizabeth looked at him and when he felt her eyes on him he looked into them. She could see he was telling the truth.
"I've shocked you now haven't I? I bet you weren't expecting that." He told her trying to break the tension. By turning it into a joke.
"No I wasn't." She admitted. "You'd really do that?" She asked him.
"I would for you." He admitted softly. He looked her in the eyes for a moment before quickly looking away, wondering if she was going to get up and leave.
She opened her mouth to say something but he cut her off.
"You're one of the only people here that I really talk to. You and Beckett are two of the only people I really want to talk to. At the moment anyway. I don't trust very easily. I can talk guy stuff with him and you...I trust you, and more often than not you put up with my tantrums and sarcasm and arrogance when other people don't have the patience. It means a lot to me that you do that and if I can be a friend to you or help you in any way...I just want to be able to give something back for the trust and friendship you`ve given me." He explained.
"Rodney..."
"I'm sorry. I should go..." He told her suddenly getting freaked out and jumping up quickly.
"I don't think so. You're not getting away with it this easily." She told him motioning for him to sit back down.
Sulkily he sat at her side. He'd never felt as exposed emotionally as he was feeling right now and it scared him but he wanted to see this conversation out because he was having it with her.
"You know that was one of the nicest things anyone has said to me. One of the things when you lead is that everyone looks to you for comfort. More often than not you're left wondering who you can go to you know?" She told him.
Rodney nodded.
"Yeah. Sometimes being smart can be lonely too. Some people are intimidated. Others are scared away by my dazzling wit and sarcasm..." He told her, the both of them smiling. "You were right when you said I sometimes find it hard to be around other people." He admitted so softly that she almost didn't hear it.
"But you don't find it hard to be around me?" She asked him.
He shook his head, looking at the ground.
"Well I happen to think you're doing a pretty good job here." Elizabeth told him. "It was brave of you to admit that Rodney." She told him reaching out to him and rubbing his back.
"Thanks." He told her unable to look her in the eyes.
"Look at me." She told him putting a finger under his chin and tilting his face up so he was looking into her eyes. "You have no need to be lonely okay? Whatever you believe you are my friend, sarcasm or not. I trust you. I wouldn't be talking to you now if I didn't, and I'm so grateful that I have you here at my side. Whether you show the others or not I know what a kind and considerate man you really are under all that bravado and sarcasm I don`t find it hard to be around you either."
"You sure about that?" He asked her raising an eyebrow and smiling.
"Okay maybe I do some of the time but I think we could all say that about everyone here at some point."
"Very diplomatic reply there Dr Weir."
"I know. Wasn't it?" She replied quickly making them both laugh.
"You're a good leader Elizabeth. There isn't anyone here who could do a better job. You're the heart of Atlantis." He told her. "And I think everyone here would agree that under the circumstances you're doing an amazing job. The fact that you take time to get to know everybody...I`m not sure I could do it."
Elizabeth blushed.
"You know talking to you tonight..." Elizabeth started.
Rodney looked up at her and braced himself for some kind of rejection.
"You've found it weird I know." He replied sadly.
"No. No I really haven't. That's the thing. It's made me realise something I've had in front of my eyes all the time."
"A jackass?" He offered.
"Not this time." Elizabeth replied smiling. "Johns always around for a shoulder to lean on you know? He's a good man; but sometimes I feel as though I have to hold back from him. I'm not sure why. But tonight with you...it's been different. I think I've found the comfort I've needed all along."
Rodney blushed as Elizabeth looked out at the ocean.
"I think I have too." He replied.
The pair were interrupted by the sound of music coming from inside. Both looked at each other frowning and then followed the sound to one of the scientists stereos which had some how been connected to the communications systems. Music was now playing all over Atlantis.
"What's going on here?" Elizabeth questioned sternly putting her hands on her hips.
"We uh...we..." The scientist stuttered.
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow willing him to continue and Rodney stifled a smile when he saw how frightened his colleague was that he was going to get into trouble.
"You...." She prompted motioning for him to continue.
Major John Shepphard walked up to Elizabeth and Rodney. Teyla was at his side.
"Dr Riley figured out how to connect his stereo to the communications system. It's been a long day. We just thought it might be nice to lighten the mood a bit and let the Athosians sample a bit of Earths culture." John told her smiling the boyish smile that usually let him get away with so much.
"So you figured you'd play Linkin Park all through Atlantis?" Elizabeth asked as the loud music continued and the others looked at her in shock.
"You know who Linkin Park is?" John asked her shocked.
"I'm not as ancient as you think." Elizabeth quipped. "The poor Athosians don't look like they think much of this music. Except the children. Is that Ford teaching them and Kaiya to head bang?" Elizabeth asked watching an energetic Ford and Kaiya laughing with a lot of the children who were all standing around him in a group.
Tyler smiled as she watched her people and as Weir looked around she noticed a lot of the other Athosians smiling with the knowledge that their children, who had been driven away from their home because of the Wraith, were enjoying themselves on their new found home.
"Come on Elizabeth look at them. It's been hard on all of us. Can't we just keep the music on for a little while?" John asked her with pleading eyes.
Elizabeth turned to Rodney who shrugged. Then she looked around at everyone again.
She held up her hands.
"All right. But please change the music to something a little more easy on the ears that everyone can enjoy." She told Dr Riley.
The scientist nodded and sighed in relief. He then pulled out a cd and a minute later Stings Desert Rose was playing throughout Atlantis.
"So this `head banging` Dr Weir spoke about..." Teyla started. "It is part of an Earth dance?" She questioned.
John looked at her and smiled.
"Kind of. It's more like something adolescent boys do when they're listening to rock music. It's like a sign of appreciation."
"Adolescent boys?" Ford shouted. "Thanks." He added, the Athosians and the Earth team all smiling.
"You know the females of my race have a native dance." Teyla told them.
Shepphard, McKay and Beckett who had now come to see what all the commotion was about all raised their eyebrows.
"You do?" Shepphard asked his voice sounding a little strangled. He cleared his throat.
Weir shook her head exasperatedly.
"We do. Ladies..." Teyla called out.
The women standing in the immediate area all looked up at Teyla.
"Let us show them some of our culture." Teyla told them softly. The women smiled.
"Oh please let them." Beckett muttered putting his hands together as if in prayer.
Rodney laughed at his friend and the expression on Elizabeth's face as the level of testosterone in the room soared.
As soon as the beat of the song started all of the Athosian women started to gracefully move in rhythm to the song. The men and children all began to clap while a lot of the team from Earth began to sing along.
Shepphard watched Teyla in awe as she moved his expression matched on Ford's face as he watched Kaiya.
"Look at `em go Rodney." Beckett told the scientist smiling as he nodded his head in time to the music.
"I'm looking trust me." Rodney replied.
Elizabeth glared at them and then sighed.
"Why don't you have a go Elizabeth?" Shepphard asked her grinning.
"Oh no. I don't think so." She quickly replied shaking her head.
Teyla looked at her.
"I will show you what to do." She told the older woman softly.
Elizabeth shook her head again.
"Trust me I lack rhythm." Elizabeth said them blushing. "You'd lose all respect for me." She told them all shyly.
"That could never happen. You can do this Elizabeth." Rodney urged her softly.
"Yeah come on." Shepphard urged, enjoying the teasing.
"Really I can't." She said sternly.
"Sure you can. Teyla will show you. Embrace the culture." John replied grinning.
"You can do it. You show them." Rodney whispered so softly that no one else caught it.
She looked at him and smiled.
Teyla offered her hand to Elizabeth which Elizabeth took and then after a few moments of unsure ness she was moving to the rhythm of the song just like the Athosians, albeit a lot more unsurely and a lot more shyly.
The room went silent as they watched their leader join in with the Athosians and Rodney could tell she was getting uncomfortable even though she was smiling. Having all eyes on her when she was speaking about political matters and the leadership of Atlantis came naturally and she was used to it...but having all eyes on her when she was dancing she wasn't used to.
Rodney began to clap in time to the music and then the whole place came alive. Everyone started clapping, more of the Earth team joined in with the dancing and lots of people were singing. As she danced Elizabeth looked at Rodney and smiled.
"Thank you." She mouthed silently.
"Any time." He mouthed back.
When the song stopped the whole place erupted in clapping and whistling and the Athosians bowed their heads gracefully. Elizabeth walked back over to Rodney's side and covered her face with her hands.
"You did well." He reassured her.
"I'm never going to be able to look anyone in the eye again." She told him embarrassed.
Rodney reached out to put a hand on her back but then pulled away for fear that he would be overstepping the line.
"I think it is now your turn to show us an earth dance." Teyla told Shepphard grinning mischievously.
The Athosians all nodded their heads in agreement.
"It is only fair." Teyla told him.
"Okay we'll show you an Earth dance. Dr Riley if you please..." Shepphard asked the scientist who looked through the cd collection that the science team had brought with them and settled on Shakira's song Underneath Your Clothes.
"Very funny." Shepphard said to the scientist who just shrugged.
The Athosians looked at Shepphard expectantly and he turned to Weir. Rodney's heart jumped into his throat when he thought that Shepphard was going to ask her to dance.
"Seeing as you're our leader Doctor I think you should set an example by showing the Athosians an Earth dance to this song."
"I've already danced this evening. Why don`t you do it?" She asked Shepphard.
"Aw come on don't be a stick in the mud. They showed us one of theirs. You wouldn't want to deny them seeing part of our culture would you?" Shepphard teased.
Weir sighed and Teyla smiled at her sympathetically.
"All right. Fine. Seeing as you're too much of a coward." She told him sternly. "But if I have to dance then Rodney has to dance with me."
"Yeah." Rodney replied loudly. "What?" He then asked shocked.
"Dance with me.... Please?" She pleaded quietly.
Rodney looked at her. There was no way he could ever say no when she was looking at him like that.
"I have two left feet..." He told her embarrassed trying to make excuses.
"It's okay. Rodney please?" She asked him again.
He nodded.
"Okay." He told her. "But only because it would be unfair not to show them, and only because you asked so nicely. I wouldn't do this for just anyone you know." He told her.
"I think this song calls for a slow dance." Shepphard pointed out standing with his arms crossed and a smile plastered on his face.
"Aye I think you're right." Beckett agreed.
Rodney glared at him.
The music began to play. Weir and McKay stood side by side embarrassed as the Athosians watched them.
Rodney looked at Elizabeth and then the Athosians. He reached out a hand to her, which she took. They then slowly moved closer together. Rodney put a hand gently on her waist and clasped her right hand in his own. She put her other hand on his shoulder and they began to move to the music.
Everyone watched them silently but this time both of them were oblivious to everyone else. All Elizabeth was aware of was how safe she felt in Rodney's arms and of the strong heartbeat that she could feel pounding in his chest as her body was pressed closely to his. All he was aware of was the beauty, dignity and good nature of the woman he held in his arms.
Elizabeth moved her hand from his shoulder so it was cradling the back of his neck.
Rodney looked at her and smiled, using his thumb to stroke the soft skin of her hand that was entwined with his.
"That is a beautiful dance." Teyla told Shepphard wistfully as they watched the pair.
"Yeah they're certainly getting into it." He agreed. "Teyla would you like to dance?" He asked her offering his hand to the pretty young woman.
"I thought you would never ask." She told him taking his hand.
Kaiya stood watching Elizabeth and Rodney and smiled.
"Who would have thought the bumbling Scientist could be so tender." Ford commented a little shock evident in his voice.
Kaiya turned to him.
"There is a lot more to people than what you see on the surface." Kaiya pointed out.
Ford nodded.
"There really is." He agreed as he watched McKay. "I'd like to learn more about you. See some of what's under the surface" He said to Kaiya, his cheeks reddening.
"I would like you learn more about you too." She told him also blushing, looking into his eyes and then looking at the floor.
"I'm not much of a dancer but would you do me the honour of dancing with me anyway?" He asked her.
Kaiya nodded and took his hand in her own. They too began to dance.
As the song continued Elizabeth looked around to see many people dancing as she and Rodney were. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, friends and colleagues were all dancing. It warmed her heart to see their joy after a hard start to their time on Atlantis.
"I think they've got the gist of it don't you?" Elizabeth asked Rodney who nodded.
She slowly parted herself from him and walked back outside, her arms crossed. For a moment Rodney stood there alone watching everyone else as a new song started and they carried on dancing. He'd never felt as lost as he did just then. Holding her had made him feel complete and though he knew that it could never go on forever he couldn't understand how she could have just left him there like that.
He walked over to the doorway and watched her standing there with her back to him.
"Was I that bad?" He asked her frowning.
Elizabeth turned around and he could see teardrops on her cheeks.
"I didn't step on your toes did I?" He asked her trying to make her smile.
He walked over to her and found himself brushing the tears off her cheeks with his thumbs.
"What's the matter?" He asked her frowning with concern.
"Simon used to make me feel safe." She told him.
"You miss him." Rodney commented.
"Yes I do." She admitted.
"It's all right to miss him. You loved him. You left him behind. Of course you miss him."
"Did you leave anyone behind that you loved?" Elizabeth asked him curiously.
"My cat." He replied. "Apart from that no I didn't. Like you said earlier I find it hard to be around people. People find it hard to be around me. My family's here now though it certainly is a dysfunctional one."
"I'm not sure what I left at home. Not really. I mean Simon made me feel safe but...if I could just leave him like that...by videotape...god how horrible am I to do that to him? How could I love him if I could do that? I miss him but I'm not sure if it's him I miss or being with someone who cares for me like he did." She admitted.
"You were excited about coming here. It was too good an opportunity to miss that's all." He soothed. "You're not a horrible person. Don't ever say that."
Elizabeth shook her head.
"Maybe I was trying to give myself a way out by leaving him the tape. Maybe I've been kidding myself for so long because I've been scared to be on my own."
"How could you ever be on your own? How could anyone let you be alone?" He told her. "And I mean that in a completely non stalkerish way just so you know."
Elizabeth smiled in spite of herself.
"That's not all I'm about you know. More than anything I want to do this. I want to be a good leader. To command a good team. To do something worthwhile."
"But it's nice to have someone to go to." He offered.
Elizabeth nodded.
"I'm sorry. I came out here to see if you were okay and now we're here talking about me." She told him wiping her eyes.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. This is what friends are for." He reassured her. "You listened to me earlier and I promised you that I'd be here to listen to you. I don't always break my promises."
Elizabeth looked at the man who stood at her side and ran a finger down his cheek.
"I felt safe in there with you. When things are as uncertain as they are its nice to feel safe. Thank you for opening up to me Rodney. Thank you for letting me not be the strong leader all the time. Unlike Shepphard in there." She told him smiling.
"He looks like he's the cat that got the cream right now." Rodney pointed out as both he and Elizabeth looked through the door back inside where people were still dancing, and Shepphard was dancing with Teyla.
"So you think there's romance in the air?" Elizabeth asked him watching Shepphard and Teyla.
"Yeah maybe. You?" He asked her.
"Maybe." She replied shivering a little.
Rodney took off his jacket and placed it on her shoulders so she was warmer.
"You know there is another way you could help me keep warm?" Elizabeth told him.
Rodney looked at her confused.
"We could finish our dance."
Rodney smiled and put his arms around Elizabeth, gently pulling her over to him. He rubbed his hands gently up and down her back to warm her up and she rested hers around his neck so her hands were linked at the back. Both looked into each other's eyes and smiled.
"So how are you finding your time on Atlantis?" Elizabeth asked Rodney as they swayed in time with the music.
"It has its ups and downs but right now it feels like home." He told her smiling.
"Yeah. I think you're right." Elizabeth told him as she rested her head against his chest and they danced under the nights sky with the gentle strains of music flowing around them and the ripples of the water shining under the lights of Atlantis.
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