Partners in Crime
Partners in Crime
by Blue Topaz
Title: Partners in Crime
Author: Blue Topaz
Email: blue-topaz@lycos.com
Category: Humor, Romance
Season: Season 6
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Summary: There was a big news in the SGC and Major Carter was the last to know.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
PART 1: THE NEWS
It was a big shock all over SGC. The grapevine hadn't stopped fussing about it, although it had been 2 days since the news was out. Anticipation was building gradually, everybody talking about it. Meanwhile, the man that they were talking about was as calm as a lazy cricket that hadn't realized what the winter had in store for him. Every time someone brave enough asked him about it, he just said 'no comment'. His plan was as secure as Scrooge McDuck's first dime; no one could even get close to it. That was why almost everybody stayed on the base the day Major Carter was planned to return after visiting her Dad, even though most of them were on their time-off.
"Receiving SG-1 IDC." The speaker echoed through the 28 floors of the SGC. Sgt. Davis had promised everybody to broadcast her arrival under severe threats from some of the SG team leaders. So, suddenly almost every single soul inside the base ran like crazy trying to reach the gateroom at the same time. There was traffic in the emergency stairs while the elevator was out of question.
30 seconds after that, Major Carter appeared through the event horizon, slightly amused by the fact that there were quite a lot of people inside the gateroom, and they still kept coming. She took off her pack and weapons and handed them to the nearest SF.
"Hi, Sir. Is there something that I need to know?" She asked her CO who was waiting patiently at the end of the ramp.
"Oh yeah. How's Dad?" He answered with the biggest grin.
She approached him, "He's fine. Thanks for asking. So... are you going to tell me?"
"If you ask nicely, I just might."
She was very tempted just to leave the matter alone, but her curiosity got the better of her, "Okay ... if I promise not to tell anyone about what happened in P45 N78 will you tell me?"
"Hey, I said nicely." He looked indignant.
"I asked nicely."
She got her point across and he was conceded, "Hammond got the flu, I'm in charge of the SGC for a while."
"That's good for you Sir, but somehow I don't think that it was the reason why these people ..." she gestured to all the audience, "are here."
"And you are correct."
Any one else, would be very frustrated by now, but she had worked with him for more than 5 years now, so lets just say that her patience was stronger than the normal human being, especially when it came to dealing with him.
"If you're not going to tell me, that's fine, I'll just have to find Teal'c. He'll tell me." She just shrugged and started to walk away from him, however, the gateroom's door was crowded. She made a lot of 'excuse me' noise while trying to get pass it and she could hear a lot of murmurs along the way.
"If only I could do that to Colonel O'Neill."
"She's one brave soldier."
"That should teach him not to be so obnoxious next time."
"Got to wonder if she could teach us how to do that."
"Eat that, Colonel."
She almost made it to the elevator when, "PEOPLE, GET OUT OF MY WAY." the Colonel barked his order and the audience was actually wise enough to follow that order. They moved aside and opened a path for him.
"Carter, wait." He jogged to catch up with her. She had reached the elevator by then, she pushed the button first before she turned around, "Yes, Sir?"
"You're no fun, you know that?" he was mocking her.
"The Air Force didn't pay me to be fun."
"You could try."
"And why should I?"
"To make me happy."
"The Air Force didn't pay me to make you happy."
"Carterrrrr." He was whining like a little boy while she tried her best not to laugh.
The elevator door was opened, she stepped inside, and he followed behind her. Some of the spectators tried to get inside it as well, but the Colonel just raised one hand to stop them. She pushed the button for level 20, where Teal'c's quarter was, the door then closed.
Outside the elevator, people were talking,
"Anyone knows where Teal'c's quarters are?"
"Level 20."
"We have got to get there."
"THE STAIRS." Someone shouted.
And then the mass of people was moving again, towards their new destination, Level 20. There were pushing and shoving once again on the emergency stairs from level 28 up to Level 20. Some people even pulled ranks to get there sooner, but fortunately, no one was hurt in this activity. Only a quarter of them made it to Level 20 before the elevator did.
So, when the elevator door was opened at Level 20, more than 2 dozens pair of eyes greeted the Colonel and the Major.
He stepped out from the elevator, "Wow, that was fast." He said to the people who made it on time.
"Colonel, did you tell her?" Colonel Hayes, the leader of SG-4 asked, still breathing heavily from climbing up 8 level worth of stairs in record time.
The elevator door was closed, but Major Carter was still inside.
"Did that answer your question?"
"How much did you tell her?" Major Briggs, the leader of SG-11 asked.
"Oh, just the background, I haven't told her about the one time deal yet."
"You haven't?" Now, it's Major Feretti, the leader of SG-2 who asked. Seemed like most of the SG team leaders were the only one who were brave enough to talk to him. The others were just there to watch, no one insane enough to ticked Colonel O'Neill.
He crossed his arms and leaned to the wall, facing the elevator door, "Nope."
The audience looked at each other. And then the elevator door was opened again, once again their eyes were drawn to it.
Major Carter stormed out and grabbed Colonel O'Neill collar straight away, almost causing him to lose his balance.
She pulled his face close to hers, "You have got to help me." Her eyes were full of panic.
"Jezz, I don't know Carter. The Air Force didn't pay me to help you." He grinned triumphantly.
"Fine, fine. I'll be fun; I'll make you happy, whatever you want. But YOU HAVE GOT to help me." She shook his collar and therefore his body. She was beyond the point of caring that almost half of the base was watching them.
He grabbed her wrist and made her released her grip on his collar, bringing it down to her side. "Don't worry about it Carter. I've already taken care of it."
"You have?" she wanted to believe, but sometimes when the matter is not life and death, she had a lot of doubt in him.
"Now, now. You know that I'm in command of this facility until Hammond's condition is improved." He said with a conspirator voice, "so... ", He let his explanation trail.
"But what about when the General is back?"
"Well, I told him it's only a one time deal. If he didn't make it on the trial tomorrow, there would be no second time."
"Actually Sir, if you read the manual, he could do it up to 3 times."
"Well, he doesn't know that, does he? And I'm sure no one would tell him OTHERWISE." He said while looking at the spectators.
"Yes, Colonel."
"No one would, Sir."
"You have my word."
"Don't worry about it Major."
"Not from me."
Suddenly, everybody started to talk at the same time. She looked at them and relaxed a bit, she knew that she could trust them, more than she could trust the Colonel concerning this matter.
"ENOUGH" Colonel O'Neill's bark once more; silence once more. Ahh, the privilege of being in command he thought as he let out a smile of satisfaction.
He looped one of his arms around her shoulder casually and pushed the button for the elevator, "I'll take care of it Carter, don't worry." The elevator door opened, he guided her inside and pushed the button for Level 25, where her quarters were, "I'll tell you exactly what we're going to do tomorrow. We're going to have fun."
"Don't follow us this time." The Colonel managed to say to the very well behaved spectators before the door was closed.
"What's happening?"
"What's the latest news?"
Some people were still coming from the emergency stairs and they missed all the good stuff. All of them were crowded in front of the elevator, people started to talk at the same time, almost resembling the buzzing of a battalion of bees. The one who were lucky enough to see the whole thing passed on the tale to the unlucky ones.
"She was stunned."
"No, she was freaked. Didn't you see how she grab O'Neill's collar?"
"She totally lost it."
"Well, if you were her, wouldn't you lose it as well?"
"True."
"I wouldn't want to be that man."
"He was so nave, did he really think that the Colonel would let him join the SGC."
"Do you think that he'll get out of here alive?"
"With all the tricks that O'Neill has, I can say 'no'."
"O'Neill still silent about his plan for tomorrow."
"Can we get it out of Teal'c?"
"No way."
"Not a chance."
"Are you nuts?"
"Do you want to end up in the infirmary?"
"What about Jonas?"
"I doubt it."
"I'm not even sure that Jonas will be involved."
"Yeah."
"I guess we have to wait until tomorrow."
"Yes."
"Noooo, the suspense is killing me."
"Damn."
"Why can't the Colonel made life easier for us."
"Because he is Colonel Jack O'Neill? Do'h?"
"Are you going to be here tomorrow?"
"Are you kidding? I have to be here."
"Yep, no question about that."
"Damn, we have a mission tomorrow."
"That's right. What a bummer."
"Don't worry, we'll let you guys know what happened."
"I'll bring my camera tomorrow."
"I'll bring my video camera."
"Okay guys, I think it's time for us to break up."
"See you tomorrow."
"What time is the trial?"
"10.00 hours."
"Don't be late."
"Wouldn't dream of it."
And so, the crowd started to break, some went back to their house, some went back to their quarters, some went back to their work, and some just disappeared. But one thing for sure, most of them would be back the day after. Why?
Because it was Dr. Rodney McKay's trial day.
PART 2: HOW IT WAS STARTED
2 DAYS AGO
"Do you know who I am?" Dr. McKay shouted to the guard.
"Yes, I do. But I'm under a direct order not to allow anyone without a valid access to go inside." Airman Whitby was unfazed with his 'I'm an important person so let me in' attitude.
"I don't think you heard me right the first time. Do ... you ... know ... who ... I ... am?" He repeated his question with his finger waving around in front of him.
"You don't have an access, I will not allow you to pass." The Airman told him. Dr. McKay had been bugging him for almost an hour now; it was fun to say 'no' to him because that cold-hearted geek didn't know how to take it. He heard lots of stories about the Doctor insulting Major Carter, how dare he? Major Carter was one of the friendliest people that he knows, she always smiles and greets him when she checks in.
McKay threw his hands up in the air, "Look, just call Major Carter, she'll let me in."
"Major Carter is not here right now."
"Is she on a mission?"
"That's classified." Airman Whitby was enjoying himself, not often that he got a chance to frustrate a Doctor. Besides, it was a slow day, no one had passed his desk for the past 4 hours.
"What about General Hammond?"
"He's not here as well."
"Why?"
"That's classified."
McKay was pacing in front of his desk now.
"Then, who's in command of the base now?"
"Colonel O'Neill."
The mention of that name stopped McKay dead in his tracks. He was considered his next sentence very carefully.
"Can you call him and tell him that there's something important that I need to say to him?"
"Of course, but you have to specify what 'something important' is. Because the Colonel hates clich, and I don't want to piss him off."
McKay glared at the Airman, "No."
"Then, I can't call him."
"Why?"
"It's classified." It was not classified, but the Airman was having the day of his life. Anyone vain enough to insult Major Carter deserved this.
"Fine, tell him that I want to join the SGC."
Airman Whitby felt like he was having a heart attack. His face was as white as a cloud now; McKay wanted to join the SGC? Then heaven must have forgotten how the SGC actually saved the world several times. He had to do something; there was no way in the world that he would let McKay join them. But he couldn't think of any now, hey, why didn't he just leave the matter to Colonel O'Neill's hands? He would sort this out. He dialled the Colonel's extension number.
McKay listened to his conversation carefully.
"Colonel O'Neill, this is the Security Point 1, I have Doctor McKay here Sir."
"Yes, Sir. He said that he wanted to see you."
"He said that he wanted to join the SGC, Sir."
"Uhm, Sir, actually he could. There's a memo about it around a week ago."
"It's not my job to make sure that you got the memo, Sir."
"It's Lt. Keller in the Administration Office job, Sir."
"Yes, Sir."
"Yes, Sir."
"I'll pass that to him, Sir."
"Yes, Sir."
He put the phone down. He had done his part for the SGC, now it's up to the Colonel.
"So?" McKay asked impatiently.
Airman Whitby deliberately took a deep breath and delayed his answer.
"So? What did he said?" McKay pressed.
"Colonel O'Neill said that he needs to look at the memo first then he will meet you here."
"Do you know how long it will take?"
"Knowing the Colonel ... maybe an hour ... or more."
McKay growled. It was official, Airman Whitby had the best day of his SGC life.
TWO HOUR AND TWENTY-SIX MINUTES LATER
"Why isn't he up here yet?" McKay asked the Airman for the 45th time.
"It's classified." Airman Whitby answered for the 45th time as well. He maintained his perfect soldier sitting position for the past 3 and hours just to get on McKay's nerves, and it was paying off.
"Look, can you at least call him again?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I have no reason to do that." He shrugged.
"I've been WAITING for like 2 and an hours, it's A REASON." McKay shouted.
"It is for you. Not for me."
"Argh, that's it. The first thing that I'm going to do after I join SGC is to fire you."
"You have to join first. And even though you're in, you don't have the authority to do that. Only General Hammond can do that."
McKay was seriously considering strangling the Airman at this point, but the sound of footsteps from inside the mountain stopped him. He looked up to see who it was. It was the Colonel, Airman Whitby rose to his feet.
Colonel O'Neill was in a very good mood. His face was decorated with a bright smile.
"Dr. McKay." He greeted after he saw the Doctor.
"Finally! Do you know how long I've been waiting here?"
"Yes, but I don't care." McKay was taken aback.
"I've been waiting for 2 and hours for you, prior to 1 hour of arguing with this Airman on how to get inside the mountain." McKay finger was pointing at Airman Whitby accusingly. Colonel O'Neill looked to the Airman.
"I'm just doing my job, Sir." The Airman said with a knowing smile.
"Keep up the good job, Airman."
"Yes, Sir." He saluted him.
McKay watched the interaction anxiously, but he knew that he had to keep calm. He had a mission today, and the mission was to join the SGC, to be closer to a certain 'artist' that he admired so much.
"Ehem, Colonel O'Neill. I would like to join the SGC." McKay said confidently.
"You would?"
"Yes, I have all the qualifications needed for the job. I know that there's a new guideline on the recruitment now, the SGC can actually employ their own scientist."
"That's about right ... I think." The Colonel just read the memo and quick-read the new manual, but that sounded right.
"So ... can I join you?"
"But you still under the government's payroll, aren't you? And I don't think the Russian's will be happy with this." The Colonel said casually.
"My contract is due in about a month and I have no intention to extent it."
"I see."
"I have the knowledge and I have the clearance, I'm perfect candidate to work here, Colonel."
"You are." The Colonel smiled.
"Really? So ... I'm in?" McKay was floating with joy.
"Ah ... ah ... not so fast. You have to go though a trial."
"Trial?"
"Like a test. Just to see whether you really are 'perfect' for SGC. Every new recruit has to do it."
"Oh ... okay."
"The trial lasts 3 days. Be here at 10.00 hours, sharp?" The Colonel already calculated the time carefully, in two days, his Major would be back from the new Tok'ra base. Of course he had to share his fun with her.
"I'll be here, Colonel. Don't worry." McKay was shaking Colonel O'Neill hands vigorously.
"Oh yeah, one more thing. If you fail this test, that's it. No coming back and harassing the guard again."
McKay was so overjoyed that he agreed to it blindly, "Yes, you have my word Colonel. No coming back, no harassing. Got it." He was so sure that he would make it, he has the brain, and there was no reason for SGC to reject him. He was almost skipping on his way back to his car.
After McKay left, Colonel O'Neill was faced with a confused look from Airman Whitby.
"Don't worry, Airman. There's no way he can join the SGC." He quickly reassured him.
"But Sir, he's a brilliant scientist and we need his brain." The Airman voiced his concern.
"Trust me. I'll design the trial myself." He winked at the guard. And then everything just clicked; Colonel O'Neill was in command of this facility until the General got back (and from what he heard, the General had a really bad flu), so he could actually do anything to McKay.
"I understand, Sir." Airman Whitby was relieved, there was no way McKay could pass the test, not with the Colonel as the mastermind behind it.
"O'Neill." Teal'c appeared from elevator.
"Teal'c, buddy." Colonel approached him.
"How is it?"
"It's going according to our plan." He had a big grin on his face.
"I shall enjoy the day I have my revenge." The big Jaffa had a satisfied smile, they both went inside the elevator.
"Come on, we have lots to do." And then the door was closed.
Airman Whitby was overexcited to think what would await McKay tomorrow. Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c was behind this, McKay was so dead. It was a one-way ticket to great entertainment, and Airman Whitby was not going to miss it. The base was quite inactive these days; this was the refreshing diversion from the base's boring life. He picked up his phone and dialled up Sgt. Green in the Communication Department, she knew how to spread this information around.
"Hey, guess who dropped by today."
PART 3: THE NIGHT BEFORE
McKay had finished his first 2 days, the first day was physical examination (Janet said that he was in a good shape, no diseases whatsoever, but he was allergic to citrus.), the second day was a visit to McKenzie's office (the report said that he suffered from a severe case of self-worship, but other than that he was okay.). The last day (tomorrow) would be the `ultimate' test.
All members of the SG-1 were present in Major Carter's quarters, the time showed 11:23 pm. They had been discussing the trial, Colonel O'Neill briefed his team about his carefully formed 'plan'.
"Any questions?" He asked at the end.
"Uhm, Sir. Are you sure about this? It's so close to breaking the regs." As much as she wanted McKay to fail this test, Major Carter was still concerned about the fact that they were going to cross some fine lines. After Hammond recovered, he would read the report about the trial, they had to be careful, be very careful.
"It's close, but not actually breaking it."
"But ..."
"Do you have a better idea?"
"No." she shook her head.
"It's settled then."
Teal'c didn't say much because he didn't really care about the regs, McKay would pay for what he had done. Jonas didn't say much because his part in this scheme was not that bias, it was pretty straightforward.
"I wish to return to my quarters and prepare myself for tomorrow, O'Neill." The Jaffa said.
"Ah, yes. I'll see you tomorrow Teal'c."
The big Jaffa smiled and bowed his head before leaving the room.
"I'm going to do some research for tomorrow, Colonel. If that's alright with you." Jonas said.
"Yes, go. Make it as difficult as possible." The Colonel said with a big smile.
"I don't see how I can make it difficult, Colonel. All I have to do is ..."
"Jonas, I don't want to hear it. Just go and do your job." Colonel O'Neill interrupted him.
"Ah, yes. See you Colonel, Sam." Jonas was a quick learner so he quickly he made his escape.
And so the Colonel and the Major were alone inside her quarters.
"Are you alright?" He asked tentatively.
She sighed and slumped to her bed, "Why shouldn't I be?"
He closed their distance and sat next to her, "You tell me."
She looked at him, "He's annoying."
"Hey, I'm annoying, but I don't see you panicking like this because of me." He was not satisfied with her answers.
"That's true." She smiled at that. Not often Jonathan O'Neill admitted that he's annoying. He always had his way with her, he could turn her feelings around as easy as turning the back of his hand.
"That's true what? That I'm annoying? Or you've never panicking because of me?"
"That you're annoying."
"I'm going to overlook this insubordination this time Major, considering the fact that you have just recovering from a panic attack." He mocked her.
"You said it first."
"You don't have to agree to everything I say."
"On the contrary, Kind Sir, I have to. You're my CO." as soon as the words left her mouth, she wished she could take them back.
He just stared at her, thinking how great it would be if he weren't her CO.
"It sucks to be your CO. I have to deal with all the insults every day." He pouted while she was giggling, relieve washed over her.
"I'm afraid you're stuck with me, Sir."
"Yeah." Softly, he gazed at her. He didn't mind the 'insults', he didn't mind the techno babble, and he didn't mind being stuck with her.
She turned her head to the door and sighed once again, "He was giving me the creeps."
"Who? McKay?"
"Yeah. First, he made all those degrading comments about me and then he told me that he was jealous of me. And he blamed all those things on his unhappy childhood. I could handle him, I know I could but the thought that he will be here everyday ..." she shuddered, " I think I will need to see McKenzie regularly."
"Hey." He nudged her shoulder with his gently, and then she looked at him, "I will not let that happen. Trust me."
"I know. Thanks."
COLONEL O'NEILL
There is no way that McKay will set a foot in here, not while I'm still around. Carter doesn't want him here. I know she doesn't. And all I wanted is for her to be happy. If that includes using my position to do certain things, then so be it. There is no chance that McKay could pass this test. And I have my buddy, Teal'c right beside me on that. Good thing that I'm in command of this base (not that I want Hammond to be ill.)
MAJOR CARTER
I know that he's going to haunt me someday, but I always thought that the mountain was secure enough and that Moscow and Colorado Spring are far enough. I can't believe that I was so nave. Sure, I could stand him for a certain amount of time, but if he does get the job, I'll see him every day. Oh Boy, the Colonel better kept his promise. His plan is ... very manipulative, and I have to say for the record, it's not a standard recruitment test.
TEAL'C
If there is a real God, then I must say thank you for the opportunity that the God had given to me. I shall have my revenge tomorrow. O'Neill and I have planned this for 2 days; it is the perfect 'plan'.
JONAS QUINN
Colonel O'Neill told me that SG-1 is going to do the trial of Dr. McKay. He was a brilliant scientist, but I don't like his attitude. And I could've sworn that the Colonel didn't want him to join us as well. All you have to do is look at his plan, it is clearly designed to make McKay traumatised.
*AIRMAN WHITBY (AND MOST OF THE SGC PERSONNEL)*
Why does Colonel O'Neill have to be so discreet about his plan? Damn that man, just because he's in command, he thinks that he could do anything. Well, he could. But still ...
*MAJOR BRIGGS (AND THE REST OF SG-11 MEMBERS)*
Why do we have to have a mission tomorrow? Nothing interesting had happened in the base for weeks, and when it does, we wouldn't even be there. I wonder if the Colonel would let us skip this mission just once ... slim chance ... but it couldn't hurt to ask, right?
DR. RODNEY McKAY
I'm going to join the SGC soon, and see her everyday. Ohhh, it's going to be Heaven on Earth for me. I can't wait for tomorrow. My angel, here I come.
GENERAL HAMMOND
I have a bad feeling. Not because of the flu, there's something else. Could it be the SGC?
PART 4: THE JUDGMENT DAY PART 1
The sky was blue and the birds were singing, green trees and wild animals were living their peaceful life. Little did they know what was about to happen beneath their beloved mountain. Four culprits-to-be (two very eager, one reluctant and the other just tagged along) were facing one very thrilled Doctor inside the Lecture Room 6 at Level 9.
"Okay, Dr. McKay. Please sign here." The Colonel handed him a piece of paper.
"What is it?" McKay asked while he was signing the paper. That was a big mistake, you HAVE to read everything, including the small print before you sign any type of document, as McKay was about to learn.
Major Carter snatched the paper as soon as McKay signature was on it, "Oh, it's just the usual. You know. The one that stated that you wouldn't hold the SGC responsible for any physical or mental damage that can be induced by this test." She scanned the paper carefully, satisfied that she got what she wanted, she nodded to her CO. McKay's fate was in their hands now, literally and legally.
McKay was taking it lightly, "Good joke." He said while pointing his finger at the Major. She could only let out a half-hearted smile. Oh boy, if he only knew.
"Let's start the test now." The Colonel was so exited.
"So, what do I have to do?" McKay couldn't wait to get started.
"There are 4 tests that you have to pass. We will conduct one test each. First, Jonas will do the Memory test, and then Carter will do the Scientific test, after that I'll do the Logic test and the last but not least Teal'c will do the Endurance test. Got it?"
"Yes. Memory, Scientific, Logic and Endurance, got it." McKay clasped his hands together.
"Good. Oh yeah, one more thing, you will know the results of all four tests once you've completed them all. So, even if you fail the first one, you still have to do the other 3." At this point, the Colonel and Teal'c were exchanging a conspiratory glance.
"No problem. When are we going to start?"
"We start when you are ready." Jonas said.
"I am."
Jonas took a step towards the projector, "Please take a seat, Dr. McKay." He pointed at a set of table and chairs in front of the projector screen, the projector was behind the chair.
"I will show 5 pictures, every picture is going to be on the screen for only 5 seconds. So you have to concentrate, I'm going to ask 10 questions at the end, and you have 5 seconds to write down the answer on the paper that we have provided. Are you clear about this?"
McKay took a seat, "Crystal." he said with a smile. This is easy, his memory was good, and he would pass this one with no difficulties.
"Okay, let's start then. Are you ready?"
"Yes."
Jonas turned down the light inside the Lecture Room, and then the projector was humming, the first picture was up. It was a picture of the gateroom, with several people around it. McKay tried his best to record every detail to his brain. But then, he heard something.
"Colonel, is it hot in here?" Major Carter's voice.
"Now that you mention it, it is kinda hot." Colonel O'Neill replied.
"Permission to take of my... Sir?" She didn't say it, but McKay's brain went to the only black garment that she was wearing. He heard that she wore a cute number of tank top under it.
"It's against the dress-code, Major." McKay was wishing that the Colonel would just said yes.
"But Sir, I'm boiling in here. Beside you're in command now. So ... "
"I got your point. Okay, you can take it off." McKay mentally cheered.
"Thanks Colonel. You won't regret this." McKay could hear her struggling to take 'it' off. He made a mental note to thank the Colonel later on.
"Uhm, Sir. I need help here."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Can you pull this for me." McKay almost jumped and rushed to her side.
"Done."
McKay could hear that the Colonel took a deep breath. Involuntary, his head turned around to see them. He could not see them. It was too dark. And then suddenly, there was a bright light inside the room. The sight that greeted him was Colonel O'Neill holding a boot, and Major Cater was one boot short. The Colonel noticed him and grinned, "McKay, weren't you supposed to concentrate to the screen?"
Damn, he was so distracted by Major Carter taking her boot off that he hadn't paid attention to the screen. Jonas gave him a piece of paper and a pencil.
"I'll start with the first question."
"Wait ... can I take a look at those picture again? I was distracted."
Jonas frowned, "You said that you were ready. I'm afraid I cannot allow you to look at it again. Don't worry Dr. McKay; they are multiple-choice questions. You can guess if you're not sure. Let's start with the first question." McKay face was as white as a ghost.
Colonel O'Neill smiled, he had taught Jonas well. He handed back Major Carter boot, she took it from his hand and sighed.
"I can't believe I just did something that low." She muttered.
"Desperate time calls for desperate measure, Major. And it's only the beginning."
Meanwhile, in the commissary there was a wide screen TV on display. Sgt. Siler managed to hook the TV to the security camera inside the Lecture Room 6 at Level 9, where the test was held. Almost everybody gathered around it, some had two-way radio with them, to update the on-duty personnel who couldn't leave their posts.
"Did you see how McKay turned his eyes from the screen?"
"I can't believe he was dumb enough to do it."
"Something happened when the light was out."
"Yeah, it wasn't something that he could see, it was dark."
"So it must be something that he heard then."
"Can we get an audio?"
"No, we would have to bug the room."
"Anyone brave enough to do it?"
"Not me."
"Why don't you do it, Sir? You're brave, aren't you?"
"Hey, I'm brave, not stupid."
"Any ideas?"
"What about the ventilation system?"
"What about it?"
"Well, we don't actually have to put the bug inside the room, just get someone to put it just outside the room's air vent window."
"That's right."
"We could actually do this."
"Okay, Barlow, you do it."
"Me? Why me, Sir?"
"Because you're small enough to actually get inside the ventilation system."
"That's right Paul."
"Come on Paul, you can do it."
"But if Colonel O'Neill knows..."
"He won't."
"Come on Paul, we won't do that to you."
"I'll buy you a drink later on if you do this."
"If it's bothering you Barlow, then I'll make it as an order."
"Uhm ... okay. I'll do it."
"That's the spirit."
Back to the Lecture Room.
Jonas had finished his part, now it was Major Carter's part.
"Okay, here's the rule. I have a naquada generator here and..."
"Wo ... wo ... aren't you going to check the results of my Memory test first?"
McKay interrupted her.
"As the Colonel said earlier McKay, you're not going to know the results until you finished all of the tests. You better start listening to people when they talk to you, you know that?" she said with a harsh tone.
"Oh, yes. My mistake. Sorry." McKay was so sure that he failed the Memory test, so there was no point to do the other test. But it was the rule so he just had to do his best. At least this way, he could show the Major that he was not a total loser.
"Okay, so as I said. I have a naquada generator. I deliberately sabotaged it, and you have to fix it in 5 minutes. Now, you don't have to fix it completely, all you have to do is to make sure that the generator won't blow up. I'll give you 30 minutes to read the generator's manual and familiarize yourself with it." She tossed the book to him.
"Got it. Read the manual and fix the generator." He started flicking the manual and concentrated.
Major Carter joined her teammates across the room.
"Are you completely sure that we absolutely have to do this?" She whispers to her CO who was grinning.
"If we want to discourage him from trying again, I believe we do, Major Carter." Teal'c answered, also whispering.
"Sam, are you having doubt about this?" Jonas asked in concern.
"Carter, are you going to chicken out?" the Colonel was worried that his Major was going to pull back. He needed her to execute his plan.
"NO." She said a bit loud, but then she lowered her voice again, "but he already failed the first one, so I couldn't see why we make him failed the second one."
"Trust me, Carter. Once we finish with him, he will be a different man."
"Ohhh ... he better be." Or all her forfeits would be wasted.
"Say ... how good are you at acting?" The Colonel asked.
"I got A in drama class in high school." Translation: quite good.
"Good enough for me."
"What about you?"
"Me? I played Peter Pan once."
"Really?"
"Yeah, in kindergarten." Translation: not quite so good.
"Do I have to worry here?"
"Oh, no. Don't worry. I've had lots of practice during my Black Ops. days." Translation: he was better than her actually.
"Oh ..."
Lt. Paul Barlow was crawling inside the air vent and cursed his misfortune to have such a small body. He finally reached his destination. He couldn't resist the temptation to take a peek inside the room. All SG-1 members were standing in one corner of the room while Dr. 'I'm so smart' McKay was on the opposite side, reading a book.
He put the bug as close as possible to the air vent window; his job was done. He was crawling backward to get out of there as soon as possible. It made him wonder though about what people are willing to do in the name of entertainment.
"Your time is up McKay." Major Carter told him
"Ah, yes. Okay. I'm ready." She put her hands in front of him, palm side up. He looked at her questioningly.
"The manual?" She said as if it was the most obvious thing.
McKay just grinned sheepishly and gave her the book. Teal'c brought the reactor and put it on the table where McKay had his first test. He gave McKay an intimidating glare before he retreated back to his teammates. Meanwhile, Major Carter handed McKay some tools for his test.
"Okay, you're 5 minutes starts..." Major Carter set her watch to the timer mode, "now."
McKay quickly opened the generator shield and started to work on the problem. He looked for the core of the generator, the most important part of it. Ah, he found the problem, Major Carter opened a hole in the cooling tube, and all he had to do was plug the hole. He was looking for the tool to do that when the corner of his eyes caught something.
His Angel was standing so close to Colonel O'Neill. Teal'c and Jonas were next to them, but they seemed oblivious to what the other two were doing. She had both of her hands on either sides of his face. Looked like her hands were tracing the line of his face and she gazed at him affectionately. McKay was stunned. His Angel ... with another man ... Arghh. This was so wrong.
Major Carter was enjoying herself in her role as she slowly she let her fingers run down his face. His breath was getting heavier, and so was hers. She could feel his hands rested on her hips. The brown eyes in front of her said everything that she wanted to hear; she only hoped that her eyes were doing the same things to him. They were lost in their own fantasy world.
Beep beep
Her watch told her that McKay time was up. Without breaking their eye-contact and close proximity, she said, "You're time is up, McKay."
Splat
McKay was covered in yellow paint now. The generator 'blew' up, but he was still too stunned to move.
"You failed to disarm the bomb." She said while still looking at her CO eyes.
"Ah, thank you, Major, I think you've managed to get the dust out of my eye." Colonel O'Neill said, his eyes were still locked with hers.
"Anytime Sir," She moved away from him, very slowly. She composed herself before turning her attention to McKay, "I think you need to take a shower and change your clothes, McKay. Jonas will show you where the shower is."
Jonas approached McKay and poked him, "Hey."
McKay woke up from his disorientated state, his brain still processing what he just saw, "Huh?"
"Let's get you to the shower." Jonas then dragged McKay to the shower room.
Inside the commissary, people were talking.
"I can't believe this. He screwed up twice."
"McKay was frozen."
"Maybe he saw a ghost."
"I quite like the yellow paint thing though."
"Can someone develop a picture from the security camera?"
"I can."
"Brilliant."
"I want one too."
"Me too."
"I'll send it though our mailing list, don't worry."
"Thanks Carrie."
"You rock, girl."
"Hey, anyone know why he was so distracted?"
"I bet it had something to do with Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter."
"Are you kidding? Teal'c and Jonas were blocking the view. Of course it had something to do with them."
"Yeah, it was the lamest excuse ever. Dust in his eyes?"
"But it works."
"Definitely works."
"It's so typical."
"What do you mean?"
"We just put a bug inside the room, hoping that the audio would clear things up for us."
"Yeah?"
"So?"
"What's your point?"
"The bug didn't help."
"I guess you're right."
"What else can we do?"
"O'Neill is one sneaky Colonel."
"We'll just have to wait and see."
"Yeah."
There was silence in the room.
"Anyone want to go to the locker room and see yellow McKay?"
PART 5: THE JUDGMENT DAY PART 2
"Welcome back, Doctor."
McKay was wearing an SGC black T-shirt now, but the paint left a shade of yellow on his face and hair.
"I screwed up, didn't I?" McKay was heart-broken, he hadn't made it and he knew it. He couldn't join the SGC for sure.
"Ah, yes. But don't worry. You still have 2 tests to do." Colonel O'Neill smiled innocently.
"Will that make any difference?" McKay was impassive he had lost his fighting-spirit.
"Now, now. Didn't you know that we keep all our recruitment test results and make a list every year to know which one was the worst? You don't want to be at the top of the list, do you?" O'Neill tried to bait him. He knew that McKay's pride was important to him.
"You do?" he asked in disbelief.
"Of course we do. That's why you should try your best for the rest of the tests." There was no such thing, but then again there was no fun in it if McKay didn't put forth an effort to do it.
McKay thought about it for a while, but he knew no matter how long he thought about it, the result would always be the same. "Okay Colonel, I'll do my best."
"That's the spirit. Let's start the Logic test."
"Okay, what do you want me to do?"
"Just sit there." McKay sat where the Colonel wanted him to, and then the Colonel gave him a piece of paper and a pen.
"Here's the deal, I'll ask you one question and you have to answer it according to your logic. I'll give you 2 minutes to write it down on the paper. You can write more than 1 answer for the question. Do you have any questions?"
"No."
"Just let me know when you are ready."
McKay took a deep breath, "I'm ready. Let's hear it."
"Okay, I'm only going to ask the question once. Listen carefully." The Colonel paused for a while, "There were three cockroaches on the wall, two were female and the other was male. The two females fought each other, but the one who fell from the wall was the male. Why was that?"
In the commissary
"Oh, man"
"That guy is unbelievable."
"Should've known that logic and O'Neill were never on the same track."
"I can't believe that I actually respect that man."
"How did he end up as SG-1 leader?"
"What kind of logic question was that?"
"It's so frightening that Thor actually likes that guy."
"Someone please tell me that Hammond will be back."
"Years in Black Ops. And that was the only question that he could think of?"
"Was that actually a question?"
"My 10 year-old daughter could ask more intelligent question than that."
"Where was the logic?"
"Hey guys, it looked like McKay couldn't answer that question."
The TV set became the centre of attention, it shown McKay was scratching his head while trying to write something down on the paper. There was silence in the room as realisation was drowned.
"McKay can't answer the question."
It pretty much summed everything, so no one said anything. Eyes were still glued to the TV set.
"Uhm, any of you know the answer?"
No one opened his or her mouth.
"I take back everything I said about the Colonel earlier."
"Me too."
"Ditto."
"Me three."
"So do I."
"The man knows what he's doing."
"Can't argue with that."
"He gets my respect back."
"Totally."
"Times up, McKay. Stop writing." The Colonel took the paper from the table and examined it for a while, yep, just like he thought, McKay got it wrong. But it didn't matter, now it was Teal'c's turn, "Teal'c, he's all yours."
"Thank you, O'Neill." Teal'c wore one of his evil smiles while McKay was sweating. McKay was a bit weary about the big Jaffa, and the fact that he couldn't answer Colonel O'Neill's question didn't help much. Oh yeah, and there was the incident when he almost 'erased' him. And from what he heard, the Jaffa had an immense memory much like an elephant.
"Doctor McKay, please follow me."
McKay visibly shrunk, "Uhm, what are you going to do?"
"The last one is the Endurance test. It is not complicated. Do you see the box there?" Teal'c pointed at the big box on one of the corners of the room, "All you have to do is step in there."
"That's it?" he asked unconvincingly, it sounded too easy.
Teal'c raised his eyebrow, "As you said, that is it."
McKay just wanted to get this over with, he had the worst day of his life. He was wondering when everthing went wrong, he woke up with such a confidence this morning that he would ace this test, but now, he just couldn't wait to go home. He walked to where the box was and got inside.
"Have fun Teal'c." He could hear the Colonel voice before he noticed that Teal'c also went inside and closed the box.
Uh oh.
"This is the Endurance test, we will see how long you will last before you are unconscious."
Back to the commissary
"Damn."
"Arggg ... just when things are getting interesting."
"Where did they get the box from?"
"I should've known it. They borrowed the box from the storage this morning."
"You should."
"Why didn't you put a camera or a bug or anything in it?"
"Hey, I didn't think that they would use it for the test. Do you know what kind of things that the SG-1 had requested?"
"Oh, do tell."
"Yes, yes, what kind of thing do they requested?"
"Spill the beans."
"Dish everything out."
"Uhm, it's actually classified. Sorry."
"Noooo."
"Damn it, don't you ever do that again."
"You want to end up in the mercy of Doctor Fraiser?"
"Hey, it wasn't my fault."
"Teal'c could beat him to death in there."
"You think?"
"How long do you think McKay would last in there?"
"You asked the wrong question. How long WOULD Teal'c stay in there?"
"50 bucks for an hour."
"You're on."
"No, I'd say 50 bucks for half an hour. McKay couldn't last that long."
"40 for half an hour."
"40 for 45 minutes."
"45 for an hour."
"40 for 20."
"50 for 45."
"45 for 30."
"50 for 10 minutes, Teal'c is good, very good."
"Hey guys, Teal'c is out."
"He is?"
"You must be joking."
"That was quick."
"Did someone time it?"
"Yes, I think it was just over 3 minutes."
"Three?"
"It can't be."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Wow, Teal'c is THAT good."
Inside the Lecture room
"Teal'c, that was fast." Major Carter raised her eyebrows.
"Well Carter, it's not about the quantity, but the quality. Am I right, Master Teal'c?" The Colonel chipped in.
"You are correct, O'Neill. I am pleased to say that Doctor McKay did not pass this test." The Jaffa felt really good about this, he had his revenge.
"Ah, it's official then. He was our worst failed-candidate." Colonel O'Neill smiled in satisfactory manner.
"It is." Teal'c nodded his head.
"Hey guys, what do you want to do with Dr. McKay?" Jonas asked.
"Call the infirmary. Let them take care of him." The Colonel couldn't care less about the Doctor.
Jonas went to see how McKay was while Teal'c phoned the infirmary.
The Colonel looked at Major Carter.
"You see Major. I keep my promise, there's nothing to be worried about." He said with a smug grin.
"Well Sir, I must say that I'm sorry for doubting you earlier."
"No sweat Major."
"So ... if you don't mind me asking. What's the answer to your question?" She was curious, the question was not an average logical question by any means.
"You mean you don't know?" He pretended to look surprised.
"I had my guess, but somehow ... let's just say that your logic is different from mine."
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"You have a ... unique way of thinking." She managed to choose her word carefully.
"Oh, thank you."
"So ... what's the answer?"
"Oh, that. It was because the male cockroach was cheering and clapping his hand while watching the females fighting, so he lost his grip on the wall."
She stared at him blankly, thinking how on earth that it could be possible. But then again, it came out from his brain.
"Oh." That was all she managed to say.
Back again to the commissary.
"Uhm ..."
"Was that ... "
"Did you ... "
"How ..."
"Is it just me or ... "
"Where's the logic in that?"
"Please remember, it's the Colonel that we're talking about."
"Yep, there was no logic in him at all."
"Someone please check his brain."
"Didn't we have to pass a test before joining the SGC? How did he make it?"
"He didn't have to do any test. He was the first man that went through the gate."
"I see."
"I lost my respect in him ... again."
PART 6: BACK TO NORMAL
It had been a week since Dr.McKay's trial, six days since the party at the commissary to celebrate the fact that McKay wouldn't be joining the SGC, five days since Dr. Fraiser announced that McKay could leave the infirmary, four days since McKenzie had the most interesting case ever, three days since Dr. McKenzie gave up on the case, two days since the SG-1 had to ship McKay back to Moscow accompanied by a nurse (the Russian wanted their gate-expert back and was willing to pay the cost), one day since Hammond was back to the SGC. Long story short, it was a normal SGC's week.
"Lt. Jennings, did something happen on the 3rd and 4th of November?" The General asked his personal aide. He was looking at the signing sheet, the one that all SGC's personnel had to sign every time they passed the check point. Now, apparently the paper showed that most of his men were at the base on those days, even when most of them were on their downtime.
Lt. Brian Jennings was informing the General with all the events for the past 9 days (the flu was quite bad), he was quite enjoying his job because the General was such a great man to work with, until the General popped out the question. The trial was very entertaining, despite the fact that only the SG-1 knew what really happened, but it was still fun to watch yellow McKay. And McKay in McKenzie's office, also the way McKay lost his dignity, so was when McKay suddenly developing a claustrophobia, and when McKay...
"Lt. Jennings." Hammond called his aide once more, he was concerned, Lt. Jennings is a good officer, and he was rarely zoned out like that.
Jennings snapped out from his daydream, "Ah, yes Sir. The 3rd and the 4th of November..." Jennings pretended to searched for something from a pile of Colonel O'Neill's reports, " the 3rd was the day Major Carter came back from visiting the Tok'ra and the 4th was..." he knew what happened on the 4th, but to maintain his professionalism, he once again flicking through the paper, " Dr. McKay's recruitment test day." Jennings then closed the reports and put it back on the table and took another file, "Now, Sir. SG-11 found some unusual mineral in P75 T6G and Major Carter..."
"Wait, did I hear it right? Dr. McKay had a recruitment test?" The General is a General for a reason, he could smell a fish when there was a fish. And something was very fishy here.
Lt. Jennings shifted uncomfortably, he had a big responsibility to make the General 'unaware' about the trial, "Yes, Sir."
So much for making him 'unaware' there.
"Where's the report about that?"
Jennings sighed under his breath, he took a file from another pile of files, "Here it is, General." He handed Hammond the file.
Hammond took it and was reading through it when the phone on his desk ringing. He picked up the phone.
"This is Hammond."
Lt. Jennings tried to listen to the conversation.
"Ah, Colonel Chekov, how are you?"
Whops, the Russian.
"Is that true?"
"How is Dr. McKay now?"
Uh oh. Seemed like McKay hadn't recovered from the whole thing.
"I see."
"Don't worry, Colonel. I promise you I'll take a look at this matter."
"Yes, Colonel."
"I'll see you."
General Hammond put the phone down.
"Jennings, tell Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter that I want to see them now. We'll resume this later on."
The General could feel a big headache coming.
"Yes, Sir."
Lt. Jennings was grateful, he wouldn't want to be at the end of all the General's questions about McKay. He quickly got out from the General office and went to find the Colonel and the Major.
The Colonel and the Major were standing in front of Hammond's office now, she looked tense while he was ... untroubled. Lt. Jennings had told them that the General want to talk about their 'little fun' last week.
"Relax Carter." He said to her before he knocked at the door. She glared at him accusingly.
"Come in." The General called.
"We didn't actually break the rule, don't worry." He opened the door and stepped inside. He was right, they didn't break any rule, but it was so close, too close in fact. She shook her head and followed him, at least she was not alone.
"You're looking for us, General?" the Colonel asked.
"Yes, Colonel, Major, please take a seat."
After they were seated, the General gave them a stern look.
"I've just been on the phone with a certain Russian General."
"Yes?" the Colonel played innocent.
"They voiced their concern about the Doctor's condition after he came back from Colorado Springs."
"What about it?"
"Don't play dumb, Colonel. I know what you were doing. McKay is a brilliant scientist, if the test was not conducted under SG-1 supervision, he would be joining us right now." Hammond was not a stranger when dealing with Colonel O'Neill.
"Well, Sir. He just has to live with the fact that he could not." The Colonel was smiling.
"Major, do you want to say something?" Hammond turned to the Major.
"No Sir. He failed the test and there's nothing I can do about it." She was well trained by the Colonel.
"I see." The General conceded, besides he didn't like McKay either. If the Russian wanted to continue the matter, there was no evidence anyway, he could just hand them the security camera tape. From what he heard, McKay was more shaken mentally than physically.
"Anything else, Sir?"
"I'm going to overlook this once, Colonel. But next time you're going to do anything this again, please give me a warning first."
"Will do, General." The Colonel knew the General well; he was only doing his job by questioning them.
"Okay. You're dismissed. I believe I have lots of paperwork to read."
"Yes, Sir." The two officers then left the room, leaving the General alone in his office.
After the door was closed and they were outside, the Colonel looked at his Major.
"Hey, want to celebrate?" he asked.
"Celebrate what?" She was confused.
"The fact that McKay won't be joining us."
"We did have the party, Sir." They walked side by side down the corridor.
"Well, yeah. But that was a communal party. I'm talking about a private party."
"Private, Sir? How private?"
"Oh, let's see. I'm thinking about 'Ligna', the new Italian restaurant. There's me obviously, and then you, if you want to join the party. And ... that's it."
"Just you and me?" she was interested, but then again, there was always something between them.
"Yeah, me and you. What do you say?" he was trying to make it sound casual.
If she could get away with her contribution in McKay's trial maybe she could get away with this one as well. The Colonel had shown her that there were things that worth taking risks for, "I'd love to."
"Great, I'll see you at 19.00 topside?"
"See you there."
"Bye."
And then they were separated to their own destination. Unknown to them, Lt. Keller, the base's grapevine queen was walking behind them and had been listening to their conversation. Private party, huh? Her brain worked quickly, maybe she could ask Sgt. Ford to put bugs on every table at 'Ligna', and she was not taking any chances now. Experience had shown that you could not be too careful when dealing with SG-1. She quickly located one of the base's phones. She picked up the phone and dialled some numbers.
"Guys, we got another major situation."
AN: Thanks for Minda who beta-read the whole story for me. The logic question was not mine, I heard it somewhere. Please send feedback as always ... :) blue-topaz@lycos.com
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Blue Topaz
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