Cheyenne Exposure
Cheyenne Exposure
by Black Widow
Summary: Jack comes up with an idea to improve Sam's love life.
Category: Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: Sam/other
Rating: PG
Warnings: adult themes
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 04/23/03
Cheyenne Exposure
One fine morning deep in the bowels of Cheyenne Mountain, Jack O'Neill made his way to the SGC rec room. Spotting Teal'c engrossed in a television show, he asked, "Hey T, watcha watching?"
"I am viewing Northern Exposure O'Neill" Teal'c replied.
On the TV screen, Maggie was showing Joel her collection of shrines dedicated to her late boyfriends, all dead from bizarre causes.
"Kinda reminds me of Carter" Jack said. Teal'c raised an eyebrow.
"Ya know, every guy she gets involved with dies a weird death, Hanson, Martouf, Nareem, the Al Gore look alike, even that Orlon dude" Jack said.
"You are correct, O'Neill. I have indeed noticed the similarity between MajorCarter's most disastrous love life and that of the fictional Maggie O'Connor. MajorCarter's suitors have been a most unlucky lot," Teal'c said. Do you think MajorCarter has created memorials to the fallen men as well?"
"Beats me," Jack said, wondering what kind of shrine Carter would create to commemorate Orlin. A little glowy cloud made out of cotton balls and fluorescent paint perhaps?
"It is extremely unfortunate that a woman such as MajorCarter appears to be fated to remain alone, due to the lack of endurance displayed by her admirers," Teal'c said. "One wishes to alleviate the situation, if one could."
"Hey, that's a great idea, T!" Jack said, his face lighting up with enthusiasm.
"Of what do you speak?" Teal'c asked.
"We'll help Carter out in the romance department," Jack said.
"In what capacity, O'Neill," Teal'c said.
"We'll find her a guy and fix her up with him. That'll solve the problem," Jack said. 'I'm such a caring CO, Carter's lucky to have me,' he thought.
"Do you think this is wise, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.
"Sure it is, T. Carter's been moping around the base for months now. We'll all be a lot happier if she hooks up with someone," Jack said.
"Where do you propose to find a 'beau' for MajorCarter? Will it not be difficult to locate such a man?" Teal'c asked.
"Aw come on, big guy, Cheyenne Mountain is crawling with men. Why you can't walk more than a few feet without running into a bachelor," Jack said, smugly congratulating himself for coming up with such a bright idea.
"This is true, O'Neill," Teal'c conceded.
"Mr. Right could be the next guy to walk in that door," Jack said.
Happily unaware of his teammates scheming, Daniel entered the room. "Hi guys, what's up?" he asked innocently. To his surprise both Jack and Teal'c stared at him intently, carefully scrutinizing him as if he were a choice piece of merchandise at an Arab bazaar.
Puzzled, Daniel asked, "what's going on? Why are you guys looking at me like that?"
Ignoring his words, Jack and Teal'c looked at each other, shook their heads, and Jack said, "nah, it'd never work, they look too much alike."
"I concur, O'Neill, MajorCarter and DanielJackson bear a striking resemblance to one another," Teal'c said.
"Too bad, otherwise Dannyboy would be perfect. He's smart, healthy and actually likes to listen to all that geek stuff," Jack said.
"Perfect for what?" snapped Daniel. "Would someone let me know what's going on?"
"You and Sam, you look like brother and sister. I just don't see it," Jack said.
"See what?" Daniel said. Comprehension dawned. "You mean me and Sam? Dating?" he spluttered.
"Cool your jets, pal. You don't make the cut," Jack said brutally.
Daniel relaxed. "I love Sam like a sister, but I just don't see us together," he said.
"Neither do we. However, this doesn't solve our problem. Teal'c and me decided to find Sam a boyfriend, ASAP. You wanna help?" Jack asked.
"Uh, sorry Jack. I've got to work on that uh, uh, thing, yeah, that's it, that thing for General Hammond. It's urgent," Daniel babbled as he rapidly backed out of the rec room.
"I guess it's you and me, Teal'c," Jack said.
Several hours later, a dispirited Jack joined Teal'c in the Jaffa's quarters.
"I don't get it, T. Why are we having such a hard time finding a date for Carter?" Jack asked, discouraged after the 147th straight rejection in a row. "Every guy I talk to is either seeing someone, has a medical condition, or claims to be gay. One guy even made the sign to ward off the 'evil eye'"
"My search has been fruitless as well, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "It appears that the men of Cheyenne Mountain are distinctly unwilling to 'date' MajorCarter."
"I'm going to get to the bottom of this," Jack said doggedly. At that moment an unsuspecting airman walked past Teal'c's quarters. Teal'c grabbed him by the collar, hauling him into the room, as Jack blocked the door. The two men glowered at their helpless captive, determined to get to the bottom of the mystery.
"Wha, what did I do," the airman squeaked, quailing before the combined ferocity of the special-ops trained colonel and mighty Jaffa warrior.
"It's what you didn't do, pal," Jack said. "What's the problem with Major Carter, huh? How come none of you guys want to go out with her? Isn't she good looking enough for you? Or maybe she's not smart enough?" Jack said sarcastically.
"It's not that, sir. Really it isn't. The Major is a lovely woman," the airman said, trembling.
"What is it then? Spit it out, willya," Jack said impatiently.
"It's just that, well, sir, she kinda has this 'reputation'," the airman said.
"Reputation for what?" Jack snarled. "Are you implying that Carter's some kind of bimbo?"
"No, no, not at all, that's not what I meant," the hapless airman croaked out. "It's just that we've noticed that any man who gets involved with her ends up, well, dead."
"Who's we?" Jack demanded.
"Uh, well, everyone," the airman said.
"Everyone? You mean everyone at the SGC?" Jack said.
"Not just the SGC, the folks at NORAD too," the airman said.
"NORAD!," Jack shouted.
"In fact, the NORAD guys are the ones who started the 'Carter's Boyfriend Dead Pool," the airman said helpfully.
"There's a dead pool?" Jack asked incredulously. "You mean the entire population of Cheyenne Mountain, NORAD included, has a running bet going as to when Carter's next love interest buys the farm?"
"Not just Cheyenne Mountain, Colonel. Half the Pentagon is in on it, and some of Senator Kinsey's staff, too," the airman admitted. "Major Griff won $1,500 when Nareem bit the dust. I was sure he'd outlast McKay," he said, shaking his head.
"A dead pool. Sweet," Jack muttered. Turning to Teal'c, he said, "forget it, Rocco, we're not going to have any luck with the U.S. Air Force."
Teal'c promptly shoved the very relieved airman into the corridor.
"What course of action shall we pursue, O'Neill?" Teal'c said.
"Aw, forget it, Carter'll just have to find her own fella," Jack said. "Hey, I know, I'll enroll her in a knitting class. She's bound to find somebody there."
Teal'c stared at Jack, his impassive Jaffa demeanor concealing his disbelief.
"Come on, Teal'c, she'll be pleased as punch. Doncha agree?" Jack said.
Realizing that the brunt of Major Carter's wrath would fall on her CO, Teal'c decided to humor Jack, uttering a noncommittal "indeed".
"Yeah, that's the ticket. Carter won't know how to express her gratitude," Jack said
"Oh, I would not be so sure of that O'Neill. I feel certain that Major Carter will indeed find the words to express her feelings at your intrusion into her personal life," Teal'c said.
"Ya think?"
"I am positive," Teal'c said.
"Peachy," Jack said. "What's next on our agenda? I know, I'll go into Daniel's office when he's off-world with SG11 and reorganize his rock collection. He'll be thrilled."
The End.
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