My Secret
My Secret
by Barbara Louie
TITLE: My Secret
AUTHOR: Barbara Louie
EMAIL: babalouie90@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Romance, Hurt/Comfort
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: 3; seqel to Our Secret
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: male/female relationship, adult themes
SUMMARY: This picks up where Our Secret left off. One secret leads to another secret.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: In order to understand the beginning of this story it is important to read Our Secret. This story picks up directly from that story line. Different character points of view are used throughout the story. Break line denotes a change in character point of view or a new scene. *....* Denotes what is written on paper.
This story can also be found at my site:http://babalouie.homestead.com/MySecret.html
I hope you enjoy the story, your feedback is appreciated.
Jack opened his eyes and looked over at the clock; it showed 2250hrs, it was almost time to go. He gently squeezed Sam, as she lay asleep in his arms, causing her to stir.
"Sam, it's time. I need to go. Walk me to the door?" Jack said in a soft voice.
Sam slowly lifted her head from Jack's chest, then leaned over him and kissed him. It was a very soft yet emotion laid kiss. She wished that he could sense by her kiss that she really didn't want him to go.
When she kissed him, it made Jack wish that he didn't have to leave. Jack remembered the promise that both of them had made, that come Monday morning, they would revert back to Colonel and Major, leaving their secret in their hearts and in their memories.
Jack got dressed and Sam put her robe on to cover her body. They walked to the door in silence, both dreading what was happening. Jack undid the deadbolt, turned and faced Sam before opening the door. He looked in her eyes and could see tears were welling up in her eyes. He pulled her into his arms and held her; he could feel her trembling. He didn't want to leave, he wanted to scoop her up in his arms and carry her back to her bed where he would make love to her again to show her how much she meant to him. Instead, he just held her until she pulled back.
Jack softly kissed her lips as tears rolled down Sam's face.
"Sam, I wish I didn't have to go," Jack said and pulled her back into his arms.
The two stood there for a moment; desperately wishing that time would stop. As they stood there they could hear the ticking from the clock on Sam's fireplace mantle. It was a reminder that their time was up.
"Jack, you need to go. If you don't go now, I'll never let you leave and that would be against what we agreed upon. Please Jack, this is hard for me too," Sam said.
Jack nodded his head, agreeing with her statement. He eased her out of his arms and then kissed her forehead. He spun around opened the door and quickly exited the door, closing it behind him. Slowly he walked away, listening very carefully as he walked. He was listening for her to call out his name, that was all she had to do and he would stay for as long as she wanted him. He strained his ears, but he did not hear his name.
Jack got out to the car, started the engine and sat there looking up at her door. The lights went off and he let out a big sigh. He knew that he never should have done this, not because it was against regulations but because he had opened up his heart again. He pulled out of the parking lot and started his drive home.
Sam heard the door close then looked up to see that Jack was no longer standing in the doorway. He had left but not empty-handed, he had taken her heart with him. She walked to the door and looked out the peephole, watching Jack as he slowly walked away. She whispered his name, telling him to stop, but he did not stop. She knew that all she had to do was to say his name a little bit louder so he could hear her and he would stop. She knew he would turn around and come back to her and he would be hers for a little longer. Instead she walked away from the door and stood in the hallway to her bedroom. She turned out the lights, went to her front window and looked out the window to see Jack driving off.
Sam walked slowly to her bedroom and crawled under the covers. She took the pillow that Jack had used and hugged it. She smelled the pillow and it smelled of Jack. Sam closed her eyes and inhaled the traces of his scent that remained, waiting for sleep to overtake her. She hoped that she would dream about Jack and the things they did this weekend.
Jack arrived at his house and suddenly the house seemed empty. It had plenty of furniture, but it was missing something that could make it feel like home. He knew what it was missing but he didn't dare say her name. He knew that if he said her name or thought about her right now, he would turn around and go back to her apartment; violating their agreement. He couldn't risk ruining her career, she had worked too long and hard to get where she was today.
Jack crawled into bed and looked over at the clock on his nightstand. It was five minutes before midnight only a few more minutes left to think of her as Sam, a wonderful, intelligent, loving and caring person. She had done the impossible, more correctly, she had done what he thought was impossible. She had torn down the protective wall he had put around his heart, shutting off certain feelings. The sad thing was that now he had to hide all of those feelings for her away, he had to be professional. She could no longer be Samantha Carter, a beautiful woman and wonderful lover; he had to think of her as Major Carter brilliant scientist of SG-1.
Monday morning General Hammond started the briefing and noted that as he was talking they all seemed to be paying attention as usual. General Hammond then handed the briefing over to Dr. Jackson, and was mildly surprised that even Colonel O'Neill was paying attention to what Dr. Jackson had to say.
The briefing ended and General Hammond called Colonel O'Neill aside. He asked the Colonel if he was sure that SG-1 was ready to go out on a mission. Colonel O'Neill advised that over this extended weekend he managed to mend bridges with his team. He told General Hammond that this mission was perfect, because it would allow them the chance to get their working unity back. General Hammond then excused Colonel O'Neill and the Colonel exited his office.
General Hammond sat there wondering if they were really ready for this mission. He knew that the friendship that SG-1 had developed had been strained to the breaking point, and hoped that they get back their cohesion as a team.
The Klaxon alarm sounded and the Iris was closed. The IDC code was received; it was SG-1's code. The Iris was opened and SG-1 calmly stepped through the event horizon. General Hammond was glad that the mission was uneventful. He announced that they would debrief in two hours giving them time to clean up.
They stood outside of the showers and flipped a coin. Carter called heads and won the toss. She would be first in the showers. It was one of the concessions that O'Neill had agreed to while mending fences with his teammates.
O'Neill checked the showers to make sure it was clear and then held open the door for Carter to enter as he switched to sign to read "Females Only".
Things were fairly normal for the next few weeks with SG-1. During the briefings and debriefings General Hammond could see that they were getting back to normal, bad jokes, quizzical looks, excessive talking and the drawing of pictures by a certain Colonel. However, he noticed that the admiring stares between two certain persons were no longer present. He knew that the two had deep feelings for one another and based on their previous actions, he now believed that they no longer felt the same way about each other. In a way he was disappointed because he knew that their feelings towards each other, though they tried to hide them, brought out the best in the other.
The next few weeks of missions were considered milk runs, missions that didn't place the team in any sort of danger; it was General Hammond's way of assuring that they were working together as a team once again.
I heard a noise in the woods to the side of me. I turned to see a Jaffa coming towards me. I opened fired on him, stopping him dead in his tracks. The Colonel saw this and gave the command for us to retreat back to the Stargate. Teal'c, Colonel O'Neill and I lay down cover fire while Daniel ran up to the DHD to start dialing home. We were about 100 feet away from the bottom of the stairs to the Stargate and had taken refuge behind some ceremonial stones.
Daniel finished dialing home, the wormhole engaged and he immediately sent through the signal. He yelled at the Colonel that the signal was sent. Colonel O'Neill yelled for Daniel to go through and have the medics ready just in case. Daniel then ran and dove through the event horizon as fire was exchanged between the two sides.
Teal'c moved closer to the Stargate, putting him in a better cover position. He then yelled to Colonel O'Neill that he would lay down cover fire. At hearing this Colonel O'Neill yelled at me to make our retreat back to the Stargate. He didn't have to yell it twice; I fired one last time and then ran for the Stargate. I was 10 feet away from the Stargate when my view of everything suddenly changed. Everything was tilting downward and I was feeling pain in my leg. I realized that I was falling and put out my hands to soften the fall.
I let out a rush of air as I hit the ground, causing Colonel O'Neill to turn around. I reached to the sore spot on my leg and felt something wet; I instantly knew that I'd been hit.
"Carter!" O'Neill yelled.
"I'm hit sir," I yelled back at him.
A moment later he was there trying to pick me up. Suddenly he pushed me down and I heard him discharging his weapon just above me. He was shooting at the woods to the side of me. The Colonel then grabbed my arm and stood up, attempting to drag me up towards the Stargate.
I felt the heat from a staff blast land close by me and even closer to the Colonel. Suddenly his grip on me loosened and I fell back onto the steps. I looked over to see what happened and noticed Colonel O'Neill lying on the steps. There was a staff blast to his chest, and with that one quick glance I knew what was his fate.
I then felt a large hand grab the back of my vest, hauling me up the stairs to the Stargate. I saw the Colonel's body moving and in my mind I questioned whether or not he was alive. I looked up and saw Teal'c as he pulled the Colonel and me to the Stargate event horizon.
"Do not forget to roll when you come through the other side of the worm hole Major Carter," Teal'c said just before tossing me like a rag doll through the event horizon.
I landed rather unceremoniously on the ramp and then rolled a few feet, anticipating Teal'c and the Colonel to come through. It seemed like an eternity waiting for them to come through the wormhole. Finally Teal'c came through holding onto Colonel O'Neill who was lying at the base of the Stargate.
"General Hammond I would suggest that you close the Iris, " Teal'c stated in a calm voice. Hammond gave the order and the Iris was closed.
I felt the medics start to treat my wound as Dr. Fraiser went up to Colonel O'Neill. One of the medics got in my line if sight with the Colonel and I knocked him aside, telling him that he needed to work on the Colonel first. Just then Dr. Fraiser looked over at me and I saw tears forming in her eyes. Dr. Fraiser shook her head signaling that the Colonel was gone.
"NO!" I screamed as I pulled myself towards him. The medics tried to hold me back but once again Dr. Fraiser shook her head and they released their hold on me. I was at Jack's side a moment later.
I quickly ran my hand over the cauterized wound, confirming my earlier belief. I then pulled myself up so that I was looking at his face. There was no expression on his face that is normally extremely expressive. There was still a bit of denial in the back of my mind that rushed to the forefront when I saw a tear at the corner of his closed eye. For a moment there was a glimmer of hope until I saw a tear fall onto his face, then I realized that they were my tears that had fallen onto his face.
"You can't be dead, it's not right. You can't leave," I said as I laid my head on his shoulders.
"Sam, come on. Let's get you to the infirmary, your leg needs to be treated," Daniel said softly as he touched my shoulders.
I leaned over to whisper in Jack's ear as if he could hear me and spoke to him. "I love you Jack," I said to him and those close by heard my words.
Daniel reached down and helped me up. He was helping me down the ramp when it hit me.
"What am I going to do without him?" I said to Daniel. I then turned to look at where Jack's body was laying, "You can't die on me now. Not now, " I said before everything went black.
I sat up quickly in bed and took a few moments to get my bearings. I turned on the lamp on my nightstand and checked the date on my watch. It showed that only five hours had lapsed since I lay down to sleep. I was thankful that it was just a bad dream. No this was no dream, it was really a horrible, horrible nightmare. I tried to go back to sleep but a part of me was afraid of what I would dream.
For the next two months and half months the level of danger on the missions increased. As the level increased, so did the frequency of the reoccurring nightmare. They had now haunting me every night and I began to dread falling asleep. Along with a lack of sleep my stress level had increased.
The one thing that the dream reminded me of was to be on the alert for Jaffas. I was always looking to see if the terrain on the planet we were visiting was similar to that in my dreams. Every time we landed on a planet I was always uneasy until I looked at the terrain. Sure the MALP showed us what we would be stepping into, but it couldn't show me the things I needed to see to assure that this was not going to be an ambush.
Unfortunately the nightmares and lack of sleep were taking their toll on me; I was becoming edgier on each mission. On many of those fitful nights back on Earth, I found myself driving in my vehicle. I would drive by the Colonel's house, wishing that somehow he would know that I was driving by and would come out and stop me. Then I would remind myself of our agreement and that it would be against regulations, and I would leave the area.
I would return home to bed and hold onto the pillow he had used that wonderful weekend. At first I refused to wash the pillow he slept on, but all too soon his scent faded so I washed it. Yet at night I still held it close to me when I slept. I just wished that there had been something else I could hold onto of him, other than the memory of our secret.
My lack of sleep was affecting my work. General Hammond commented on how my reports were not as detailed as my previous work. This upset me because I took great pride in turning in efficient reports.
Things had gone from bad to worse. First a lack of sleep, then poor quality work, and now I think the ladies in the cafeteria are trying to poison me. The food tasted terrible. The other day I got a tuna sandwich and soon afterwards it decided that it didn't like me and came back up the way it went down. Then the one thing I figure they couldn't mess up was coffee, but they managed to do it. Battery acid would have tasted better compared to what they were serving. I decided that I had to start grabbing something on the way into work instead of eating at the cafeteria.
Morning briefing was the usual stuff. Daniel was talking about how this dig was vital to the very existence of mankind. Usually I would listen to him, but today I just couldn't concentrate. I felt as if I was going to loose my breakfast. I should have picked up something on the way in, but I was running late so I grabbed something in the cafeteria.
I looked over at the Colonel and noticed that I wasn't the only one who wasn't listening. I looked over to General Hammond and I could have sworn that his eyes had glazed over. Daniel must have taken the hint and he quickly drew the briefing to a close. I got up and walked rather rapidly to my quarters so I could chew on some antacids. I just popped of antacids when there was a knock on my door. It was Janet and she was wondering why I had walked right past her. I held up the bottle of antacids and she asked if it was the cafeteria and I nodded my head. She told me that several people had been complaining about it lately and that she would look into it.
We gated onto the planet and I did my usual once over the area. There were some stones in front of the Stargate that Daniel spent thirty minutes on trying to determine their significance. Finally Colonel O'Neill told Daniel to choose the rocks or the digs, because we only had a few more hours before we had to return to the SGC. Daniel chose the digs, stating that he could uncover more archeological artifacts at the site.
We had been at the artifact site for three hours and the Colonel was getting restless. Then I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on edge. There it was a staff blast hit off to the side of Daniel. Daniel rolled away and came up scrambling for cover. We immediately took what little cover there was and scanned the area for Jaffa warriors. A Jaffa fired at us again, and we were able to get a bead on his location. All of us fired in his direction and the Jaffa was dead.
Just then we noticed another Jaffa warrior who was behind the one we shot. This Jaffa retreated a few steps and then blew into his horn, signaling the other Jaffa warriors. Teal'c fired his weapon and that Jaffa no longer blew the horn.
"Colonel O'Neill, I believe it would be best if we proceed quickly to the Stargate in case there is a search party of Jaffas nearby," Teal'c stated.
"Right. Okay everybody let's go," Colonel O'Neill stated.
We immediately started moving very rapidly back to the Stargate. We were about a hundred yards away when the Jaffas closed in on us. Cover fire was laid down while Daniel ran to the DHD and started dialing home as we continued to work our way back towards the Stargate.
We were fifty feet away from the Stargate when we heard it engage. Daniel called over the radios that he just sent the signal. Colonel O'Neill yelled for Daniel to go through and for Teal'c to take up a position by the gate. We laid down cover fire for Teal'c while he moved into position about ten feet away from the gate. The number of warriors was rapidly decreasing as we fired into their midst, but that didn't mean that we were safe. The Colonel yelled for me to hotfoot it back to the gate, he didn't have to tell me that twice. I fired once more, turned around and ran for the gate. Once I got even with the Colonel, he too turned and ran for the gate. Staff blast were all around us, one blast hit the steps leading up to the Stargate.
Suddenly my point of view changed, I realized that I was falling and put my hands out to soften my fall. As I fell I felt pain race through my leg. When I hit the ground my hand went to my leg. I looked down to see that my hand was covered with blood and there was a chard from the steps protruding from my leg. I looked to the Stargate thinking that they had left me when I saw the Colonel spin around and run back to my position.
"Carter!" O'Neill said.
"My leg sir," I replied.
"Can you make it?" he asked.
"I don't think so sir," I replied.
Colonel O'Neill fired a few rounds into the oncoming Jaffas, and then grabbed my arm to help me up. Suddenly he dropped my arm and I fell on the ground. I heard the Colonel fire a few rounds into the woods to the side of us. Then everything went in slow motion.
The Colonel again grabbed my arm to pull me up and I could feel my arm rising higher, which meant that the Colonel was standing up. I knew what would happen next if I didn't do something quickly. Using all my strength, I started to standing up and then launched myself at the Colonel, knocking him to the ground. Pain seared through the side of my body as we fell to the ground.
I was trying to help her up when I spotted the Jaffas coming out of the woods to the side of us. I pushed her back down and I heard a muffled cry of pain from her. I fired at the approaching warriors and stopped them in their tracks. I looked down and grabbed Carter's arm and started to drag her to the Stargate. I knew that she wouldn't be able to walk with the injury to her leg, so I was going to carry her through the gate. Suddenly she jumped up and knocked me down, with her falling on top of me.
Teal'c called out to us and I signaled that I was okay. I then called her name and she looked up at me. I could tell that she was in a great deal of pain by the expression on her face. She smiled at me and then her eyes closed and she went limp.
"Carter!" I screamed.
"Colonel O'Neill, we need to go now," Teal'c shouted as he fired, killing an approaching Jaffa.
Teal'c picked up Carter and then helped me to my feet. I took Carter from his arms and carried her in my arms. She was limp and fear ran through me. I quickly felt her neck for a pulse and it was there. Just then a blast from a staff weapon hit three feet away from us, spraying us with bits of the stone where it had hit. Teal'c turned and fired in the direction from where the blast came. Another group of Jaffas were approaching us. I felt his hand on my shoulder and he said that we must leave now. All three of us went through the wormhole to the other side.
"Close the Iris! I need a medic, NOW!" I screamed. I could hear feet running up the ramp to us as well as thuds behind me as the warriors were striking the now closed Iris.
"Hang in there Carter," I whispered to her before the medics took her from my arms.
I looked at her as they laid her on the gurney and saw her wounds. She had taken a staff blast to the abdomen area, but it looked like her field vest had taken the blunt of the blast. There was also a gaping wound in her leg and blood was flowing from that wound. Before I could say or do anything Dr. Fraiser and her medical team were wheeling Sam out of the gate room. Dr. Fraiser was shouting out orders as they rushed Sam to the infirmary.
I walked down the ramp and started to run after them only to be stopped by Daniel. I shoved him aside; no one was going to stop me from getting to her. Then huge arms surrounded me and held me still. I started to struggle, I had to get free and find out what was happening with Sam.
"Colonel O'Neill, you must let the medical team do their job. You can not help Major Carter at this time," Teal'c said.
I stopped struggling and he released his hold on me. I looked up and General Hammond was looking at me. He told me that Major Carter was getting medical treatment and that she was in good hands. He then advised that we would debrief later. He told us to report for post mission examinations.
I walked down the hall barely conscious of Daniel and Teal'c by my side. We went through our post mission exam and were informed that Major Carter was still in surgery. One of the nurses suggested that we get cleaned up so when Major Carter got out of surgery we would be allowed to see her. I started to object, I wasn't leaving the infirmary, and then Daniel told me that we should get cleaned up for Sam. Hearing him say her name made the anger in me rise up. I wanted to punch him out, how dare he call her Sam; she wasn't his to call that. Then just as quickly I calmed down, realizing that he was her friend too. I hopped off the bed and we quietly walked to the showers to get cleaned up.
I saw Jack turn red with anger the moment I called her Sam and I thought it was odd. I usually called her Sam but some reason he seemed stressed by my familiar use of her name. I thought he was going to punch me out like he did when he was infected with the alien virus. Thank goodness he calmed down and we went to the showers. I knew that the situation upset him and he made a point of isolating himself from us while we were in the locker room. Teal'c and I finished up before Jack and we told him that we would meet him in the hall outside the infirmary. He mumbled something from the shower and we left him there.
Finally I had a chance to ask Teal'c what had happened. Teal'c explained to me how Sam had been injured on her run to the Stargate. Jack went back to get her and as he was picking her up, she knocked him down, preventing him from being hit. In knocking down Jack, Sam was hit by a blast and fell on top of Jack. Teal'c told me that he picked up Sam and started to carry her, but Jack took Sam in his arms and carried her through the gate.
They still cared for one another, but had gone back to hiding their feelings. That was why Jack looked like he wanted to kill me back in the infirmary. I was afraid that Jack's covert mission had destroyed the bond between them because they stopped flirting with each other. But Jack's actions showed that he still cared very deeply for Sam.
I brushed a stray strand of hair from her face as I watched her, wondering what I was going to say to her. I had to talk to her before I spoke to anyone else. I had to know the answers to some very important questions that only Sam could answer. I had to put my being a doctor ahead of being a friend.
I was in the room and could hear Daniel talking to the Colonel out in the hallway. They were all waiting on me to tell them some good news, but I couldn't tell them anything, at least not yet.
I had been in the recovery room with Sam for about 30 minutes before she woke up. I was shocked when the first thing she did was to ask if the Colonel was okay. This was so unusual because the casual flirting between them had come to an abrupt halt after the Colonel had returned to active duty. I reassured her that the Colonel was okay. I advised her that I had some bad news about her vest. I told her that her vest didn't make it, it took the blunt force of the blast and that was the only thing that saved her life. Now it was my turn to ask the questions.
"Ah, Sam. I need to ask you some important questions, so stay with me," I said.
"Okay Janet, I'll try," Sam replied in a sleepy voice.
"Sam, have you been regular? I mean have you had normal monthly menstruations?" I asked.
"Yeah, I've been regular ever since you put me on the pill. We were using that to regulate my system because of the problems of my being blended with Jolinar. I've never missed a day," Sam replied.
"You're sure that you haven't skipped any days?" I asked.
"Positive," Sam replied. "Why are you asking?"
"When you were hit, you were struck in the abdomen area, but like I said the blunt of the blast was taken by your vest. While you were on the operating table, there was a dramatic change in your blood pressure and heart rate. Then I noticed blood on the table that wasn't coming from your leg," I said in a shaky voice. "I tried to control it but it was too late. Oh Sam, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this. You were pregnant and you had a miscarriage," I said fighting back my own tears.
There was a look of shock in her face. I knew at that moment that she did not know that she had been pregnant. The tears rolled down her cheeks and I was at her side comforting her in an instant.
"Oh my God, Janet, I didn't know. I didn't know," Sam barely managed to say before grief swept over her.
My heart was breaking for my friend. I hated that I had to tell her, but I guess it was better than some stranger telling her. I was trying hard to remain profession, but I couldn't stand to see my best friend in such pain. It was too much for me to hold back, and soon my tears were flowing.
Several minutes later I managed to get Sam calmed down, and now came the hard part. I informed her that based on the development of the fetus; I estimated it to have been about eight to ten weeks old. I asked her if she knew who the father of her child was, and she told me she did.
"Janet, the father was a guy I picked up at a bar. It was just after Colonel O'Neill returned from his covert assignment. At the time I didn't want to talk to the Colonel, so I went out to a bar. Picking up the guy at the bar was the last thing on my mind that night, but it just happened. We went back to my place and we were together for the weekend. I've bumped into the guy a few times since then, but we haven't been together since that time," Sam stated.
Sam and I talked, then cried, and talked a bit more. I asked her if she wanted anyone to know about the miscarriage. She asked me if we could keep it between us and I said that no one else would know. I noticed her tense up and knew exactly what she was going to ask next. I informed her that she was going to be okay in time, there were no complications and that she should be able to have children in the future.
I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant? I didn't show any of the signs. Well now that I think about it, I kept saying that the food tasted bad and it was making me sick. I just wrote it off because it was cafeteria food. Other than that, there were no signs. I mean I was on the pill and that is supposed to be dependable. I then asked Janet how I could get pregnant if I was on the pill.
"Well Sam, sometimes the body decides on it's own what it wants. Your body chose to ignore the chemical balance brought on by the pill and decided it was going to be hospitable to his little boogers. It appears that your partner also had awfully potent little guys working on his side too," Janet said. "It would not be the first time that someone got pregnant while taking the pill."
I was pregnant with Jack's baby. Not only did the timing coincide to when Jack and I were together, Jack is the only man I had been with in years. We were going to have a baby. A part of me was jumping up and down over the news only to crash back down because I lost the baby. Then the responsible part of me said that it was probably for the best, because then our secret would be out. I would never deny Jack the chance to be a father again, but then our careers would be over.
I was struggling to stay awake, the shocking news, my injuries and the drugs were taking their toll on me. I barely heard Janet say that my visitors would have to wait until tomorrow to see me. At that time I didn't care, I was too tired to care.
Doctor Fraiser walked out of the infirmary and over to me. All of a sudden I felt cold, like the news she was about to give me was going to be disastrous. I remained seated because I knew if I had stood up I would probably fall down.
"Well Colonel, it appears as if SG-1 will be minus the use of Major Carter for a while. She is okay, but I'm recommending that you guys come back in the morning if you want to see her," Dr. Fraiser stated to me then looked at each of us.
She knew that we wanted to see her but she informed us that Sam was not to be disturbed right now and that she had just fallen asleep. Everyone including myself thanked Dr. Fraiser for her good work.
We walked to the elevators and went to our respective quarters. In my quarters I kept looking at my watching and wondering if the battery in it was going out because time seemed to pass very slowly. I tried to do some preliminary paperwork for the mission but my mind kept on flashing to what I had seen, Sam laying on top of me with a staff blast to the abdomen area. I tore up the piece of paper then crumpled up the pieces, throwing them in the trash. I knew what I had to do and no one was going to stop me.
I peered in the infirmary to see if anyone was around. It looked clear so I entered in the infirmary and carefully crept towards Sam's bed. I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye and I ducked for cover by a bed. I could hear the sound of high-heeled shoes come to a stop. I looked out from under the bed and noticed the feet of a certain doctor. The feet then turned and walked back towards her office, away from me. I slowly got up off the floor and walked over to Sam's bed, the last bed at the end.
I quietly pulled up a chair and sat there looking at her. I knew she was in pain because it was written across her face even as she slept. I had practically become an expert the facial expressions of Sam as she slept. I looked around to assure that no one was coming, and then I stood up and kissed her forehead.
"I'm sorry Sam, it should have been me and not you that got hit. Doc says that you're going to be okay. I'm here if you need me," I said.
I sat back down and took her hand, just holding onto it. It felt warm and soft. I struggled not to kiss her hand; I had to keep our promise. At that time I realized that I couldn't keep my promise, at least not right now. I looked around one more time to see if anyone was around, then kissed her hand. "I'm here for you always," I whispered.
I moved my chair to a respectable distance from the bed and sat there looking at the monitors. I looked at her face and it seemed softer now, as if she was more at peace and not in as much pain. I had planned on staying just a little longer in case she woke up and then I would leave before everyone came in.
I opened my eyes and he was sitting there, asleep in the chair. It made me feel good to know that he was here. Then the pain hit me and I tried to move to a more comfortable position. He woke up and asked if I needed Janet. I told him that I would be okay and I was just going to go back to sleep. Then he surprised me by saying that he would be here when I woke up again. I closed my eyes and let sleep overtake me. I knew when I woke up everything would be all right, and just maybe I would tell him my secret.
My feet were killing me; I had been on my feet for 12 hours. I slipped off my shoes and put my feet on the cold cement floor. The floor felt wonderful, it was so cool and relaxing to my feet. I started doing my paperwork and heard a noise and then it stopped. I resumed doing my work when I heard the noise again. I recognized it to be someone snoring. If it was one of my people I was going to wring their neck. I tried to put on my shoes but my feet were refusing to go into the shoes, so I walked out of my office in my stocking feet. I heard the noise come from the direction of Sam's bed. I couldn't believe that Sam snored, so I walked over to check on her.
I looked and saw Sam asleep and Colonel O'Neill asleep in a chair next to her bed. He was the snoring culprit. As quietly as possibly, I pulled the curtain closed around Sam's bed, secluding them away from any prying eyes. I didn't want her or the Colonel to be disturbed.
I returned to my office and thought about what I saw. I know that it was typical of the Colonel to stay up with a teammate when they were injured from a mission, but I had told him she could not have any visitors. Deep down inside a part of me was hoping that the Colonel was disobeying my orders because he still cared for Sam. I know that she likes him but she will never admit to it. I was afraid that they had destroyed their relationship after O'Neill's covert mission, but from what I saw, it looked as if I was wrong. There was still something between them even though they denied it to themselves; I knew better.
I walked in the infirmary and was rather surprised that Jack wasn't sitting outside waiting for me. I noticed that Sam's curtain was closed so I stepped back out, believing that they were probably giving her an exam. I ran into Janet as I was exiting the infirmary and asked her how Sam was. She told me that she knows that Sam is awake and up to seeing visitors.
As we walked to her bed I could now hear voices. I recognized the voices to be Jack and Sam. It appears that Jack came in early.
"Hey Sam, you look much better," I said.
"Thanks Daniel. I just wish that I felt better, I'm still sore," Sam said.
"So Jack, you decided not to wait for us?" I asked him.
"I just walked back here a minute ago. What took you so long to get here?" he asked.
"Well you look like you've been up all night. I'm surprised you didn't sneak in here to check up on Sam," I said. I was trying to bait him into admitting his feelings.
"Daniel, when I say no visitors, I mean no visitors. The Colonel knows better than to violate my rules, right Colonel?" Janet stated in a stern tone.
We talked for a few minutes and then were joined by Teal'c and General Hammond. We all wished Sam a speedy recovery and started to leave. I stopped by Janet's office and asked her what time Jack really showed up in the infirmary. She told me that he got there ten minutes before I arrived. I asked her if she was sure and she said that she was, because she stayed here all night looking after Sam. I looked at her and something made me question if she was really telling the truth.
I was exiting Janet's office and looked over to Sam's bed. Jack was standing a proper distance away from the bed and they were quietly talking. Jack looked up and then called for me to wait for him. Then I saw him touch her hand, he gave her a smile and we exited the infirmary. I knew that I was right; there was still hope for these two.
As I walked with Daniel my mind started to wander. I knew that Sam was hiding something because she didn't want to talk which is unusual for her. My feelings about something else being wrong were confirmed when Dr. Fraiser came by last night and closed the curtain, giving me some privacy with Sam. Then this morning she didn't give it away that I had been there all night, not even Sam said anything. Something else had happened to Sam and I was going to find out. Now I just had to think of how I was going to do that. Daniel said my name and made me realize that I had ignored what he had been saying.
"What Daniel? I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention. I didn't sleep very much last night," I said.
"Well that was obvious Jack. Come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee," Daniel said as we walked to the commissary.
"So Sam, how are you really feeling?" Janet asked.
I told her that I was still a little sore and she said that was to be expected. She then went into greater detail about my injuries, obviously avoiding talking about my miscarriage.
The next couple of days the Colonel had established the pattern of coming in a little earlier than the rest of the group. He would ask how I felt and then just sit there and soon afterwards the rest of the group would show up. He looked like he wanted to say something but he never did.
"Sam, I'm going to release you and I want you to go home and rest. I figure that you will be able to relax more without the Colonel coming in and bothering you so early in the morning", Janet said.
"He's okay Janet. He keeps asking if he can do anything for me, and offers to sneak food in for me," I said.
"Well you need to make sure you eat because your body needs food so it can heal properly Sam. You're on medical stand down right now and I will need to see you next week for a check up. I don't want to see you on base until that time," Janet said.
She quickly went over what I could and couldn't do when I got home. Then the team came in with a wheelchair and whisked me away from the mountain back to my place. They made sure that I was well stocked up on food and offered to take shifts watching me. I know they meant well but I just wanted some peace and quiet, and I was thankful that they took the hint and left.
The next morning I hobbled out to get my newspaper and found the Colonel sitting on the steps waiting for me. We had breakfast and then watched a movie, or at least I started watching a movie. Sometime after the first twenty minutes, I fell asleep. When I woke up my head was in his lap and he was stroking my hair and just watching me.
I remembered when I last woke up like this; it was that weekend before he was reinstated as my Commanding Officer. I wanted to curl up in his arms, I wanted to tell him what had happened, but I couldn't; it would violate our agreement. I'm beginning to think that it was a stupid agreement. I sat up and asked him to leave; he was polite and left.
The Colonel returned three hours later saying that he was going to help me around the house. It was so hard for me think about chasing him off, because I really enjoyed his company. I knew I had to stop this because if I didn't then we might slip and our secret and my secret would be revealed. I couldn't risk that; I can't even begin to image how the Colonel would react to my secret. So rather than risk spilling the beans, I asked him to leave which he did.
He again returned several hours later with the excuse of trying to help me as I prepared for bed. He was finally getting to be too much. I could feel myself weakening, wanting to feel his arms hold me, wanting to be loved again by this wonderful man. I shook my head trying to get a hold of myself. I told the Colonel that I was fine and that he did not need to come by all of the time and check on me. I told him that I had his phone number and I would call if I needed help. He left looking disappointed.
The next morning he was sitting on my doorstep waiting for me. I told him that I was fine and that I didn't want his company. He walked in anyway and fixed breakfast. Finally he asked what was wrong with me because I would not talk to him. He kept on asking me and I couldn't take it any more.
I snapped. I yelled at him to get out, saying that I would never heal if he kept on making a nuisance of himself. I know I hurt him with my words because of the look in his eyes. Unfortunately it was necessary in order to get him to leave. If I didn't make him leave then I would probably end up in his arms. The only time I've felt safe and secure was when I was in his arms. I wanted to feel safe again and to know that everything would work out, but that would go against our agreement.
I can't believe what she just did. She threw me out of her place, telling me not to come around. She said that she wanted to be left alone so she could sleep. I didn't believe a word she said. I listened at the door after exiting and could hear her crying. I made her cry, but I didn't know what I had done.
I still suspected that something else was wrong and I was going to get to the bottom of it. I thought about it as I drove to the base. I knew that sometimes Sam would confide in Daniel and he was my only hope.
"Ah Daniel, ya got a minute?" Jack said standing at the door to my lab.
"Sure, come on in Jack. What can I do for you?" I replied.
Jack said that he had just gone by Carter's place to make sure she hadn't fallen or anything like that. He then said that she screamed at him and practically threw him out. We both agreed that this was unusual behavior for Sam. Then he asked me if I knew anything. Unfortunately I had to tell him that I didn't know what might be wrong with Sam.
We walked to the cafeteria and had some coffee while we talked. I noticed that he seemed to take his time as he talked about Sam, almost as if he was thinking carefully about what he said. Finally I had to ask what had happened when he went to go talk to Sam after his covert operation.
"What do you mean, what did I do. I apologized. I said some mean things to her and had to let her know that I didn't mean them. Then I just asked her what I could do to make up for disrupting the team. That was when she suggested the coin toss for the showers and mentioned that she would like to win once in a while. I really didn't see anything wrong with that so I gave in. That's all," Jack stated.
That sounded like a typical Sam request. She would never ask for anything outrageous, just simple courtesy. I started to wonder what mean things he said to her until I heard a name that got my attention; I heard him say Janet's name.
"So do you think you can do it?" Jack said.
"Huh?" I replied.
"Daniel, I said that I think that Janet might know something else. I was wondering if you could talk to her and maybe she would open up to you. I mean you two get along pretty good, don't you?" Jack asked.
"I don't know Jack. I don't think that Janet would hide anything from us. She told us about Sam's injuries and nothing really sounded unusual. Are you sure that you're not just being a little hyper sensitive about Sam?"
"Daniel, knock it off. I'm always trying to find out more information when any member of my team is injured. You just don't realize it because you're always the one in the infirmary. I always get Dr. Fraiser to give me more information about what you can and can't do when you've been hurt. You just don't see that because you're laid up."
Then he started talking about how he has gone into her file cabinet before to look at the medical records. He said that he has checked to see if I had to get extra allergy treatments or how I reacted after returning from a mission with allergy problems. I never realized he did all that. He said it is a part of his job as our leader, to ensure that his team is at its peak performance.
There was a knock on my door just as I walked into the kitchen. I went to go see who would be bothering me this early in the morning. I looked out the peephole and saw that it was the Colonel. I took in a deep breath and let it out; trying to calm myself so that I would not yell at him again and then I opened the door.
"Hey Carter. Look I know you told me not to disturb you and I'll leave in just a moment. I just wanted to check and see if you were okay. We're all concerned about you," Jack said.
"I'm fine sir. I appreciate this but you could have just called."
"You know I said that to Daniel and he said that I had to check on you in person. He said that he wouldn't believe me if I didn't. So before I leave, can I get you anything?" Jack asked.
I advised him that I was fine and that I was still a little sore. He noticed that I wasn't using the crutches Janet had sent home with me. He asked if that was wise and I told him that it would help me to heal if I worked my leg some.
He looked at me and for a moment I thought I saw something in his eyes. Something that showed that he wanted to say something else, and then he averted his eyes. When he looked back at me his professional look was back in place.
I told him that I was really fine and that I just needed to take it easy. He said he would pass on the message and handed me my newspaper. He walked down the steps then out to his vehicle and never looked back. I had finally made up my mind about my secret; it would have to always remain my secret.
"So what did she say? How did she look?" Daniel asked impatiently.
"She looks okay. She's not using the crutches; she said that she wants to exercise her leg so it will heal quicker. She really didn't have much to say," I replied.
Then I asked Daniel if he was able to get any other information out of Dr. Fraiser. He said that he couldn't tell if anything else was wrong. He said that in the back of his mind he suspected that she might be hiding something, but he decided not to push it. I asked him if she was on base and he advised that she was coming in late, she had a conference with Cassie's teacher.
Then an idea came to me. I knew that there were too many people in the infirmary during the day and with Dr. Fraiser coming in later, the timing would be perfect. I then laid out my plan to Daniel on how he should invite Dr. Fraiser to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee so they could talk.
Daniel blushed when I suggested he ask Fraiser out for a cup of coffee. Then it hit me; Daniel liked the Doc. I don't know why I hadn't seen it before. This was great; I had been worried about the guy ever since Sha'ure died. Now I see that he was getting on with his life, and I was happy for him. I continued explaining my plan to Daniel and he said that it was a good idea. He even told me where she kept her keys to her file cabinet in case they were locked.
I went to the cafeteria as planned and waited for the two of them to come in. Daniel looked over at me and gave me a wink. They got their coffee and joined me at my table. We made small talk and then I made an excuse of having a headache and left them alone to talk.
I walked into the infirmary and as expected, most of the staff were busy doing something else and didn't notice me. I walked to the file cabinets and noticed that they were locked. I went to Dr. Fraiser's desk and opened the top left drawer and saw that the keys to the file cabinet were right where Daniel said that she kept them. I wondered how he knew that bit of information. I took the keys and returned to the file cabinet.
I quietly opened the drawer that contained Sam's medical file. I opened her file and started skimming over the report. Of course not being a doctor I could not understand everything so I went directly to the doctor's private comment section. This was where they talked plain English and I knew I would understand what happened. I was reading the comments and they seemed normal. Then I read further down and was shocked.
*Due to the severity of the injury suffered by the staff blast and the possible fall onto the steps to the Stargate on P5R-387, the patient's suffered a miscarriage. *
*The patient suffered a miscarriage. * I read that one part over five times. I couldn't believe what I just read. I read on further.
*Based on the development seen, the fetus was estimated to be eight to ten weeks old. *
I read that section and felt my legs start to wobble. I braced myself against the file cabinets to keep from falling. I didn't want to read any further but my perverse curiosity got the best of me and I continued to read.
*After speaking with the patient, it was learned that she was using birth control pills at the time of conception and there had been no disruption in the patient's regular menstrual cycle. The patient had regular cycles and was not aware of her condition until she was informed of the miscarriage in the recovery room. *
I closed the file, put it back in place, returned the doctor's keys to her desk and left the infirmary. No one seemed to have noticed me, which was good. I was struggling to control my feelings until I could go somewhere and release them. I went to my office and sat at my desk. I felt numb all over.
Sam was pregnant, and based on the baby's development; Sam was pregnant with my baby. I closed my eyes and a wave of emotion washed over me. Pregnant, she had been pregnant and was going to give me a child. Then I started to wonder what she would have done if she would have known that she was pregnant. Would she have kept it? Would Sam have told me? Would she let me help her raise the baby?
All of those questions were running through my mind and then it hit me. Sam lost our baby because of me. I was to blame. One life was sacrificed for another's life. It shouldn't have happened. If I had been playing closer attention on P5R-387, then she would not have miscarried. What had I done to her? She was home all by herself trying to work through this. No wonder she didn't want me around, I made her loose the baby.
A sharp knock on my door brought me back to reality. Daniel entered and asked me what was in the file. I couldn't tell him what I learned. So instead I told him that there were too many staff members around so I couldn't check her file. Daniel seemed disappointed and asked if I wanted to try it again. I told him maybe after the weekend, right now I really had a headache. I told him that I was going home to relax with a cold beer to start off the weekend right. I asked him if he wanted to join me; he declined like I knew he would.
Daniel walked me to the elevator and I tried to pay attention to what he was saying. I told him that I would see him Monday morning and left for the surface. I had a lot of thinking to do, but first I needed some questions answered. I got in my truck and left the complex en route to see Sam.
Jack stood outside of Sam's door. He looked at his watch and noticed that it was 2000hrs. He started to knock then stopped just before hitting the door. He then turned and walked down the steps. At the base of the steps he quickly turned again and bounded up the stairs taking them two at a time. He reached her door and knocked soundly on her door.
Sam had been crying; she was still upset about the miscarriage when the knock on her door startled her. She looked at her watch and thought that the deliveryman was early. She got some money out of her purse when she heard the knock again. She called out that she was coming as she hobbled towards the door. Sam opened the door without looking out and instead of the deliveryman, she saw Colonel O'Neill.
"Oh, sorry sir. I thought you were the deliveryman," Sam said.
"I get that a lot. Am I interrupting something, I thought I heard you talking to someone," Jack said.
"No sir, I was watching television," Sam replied.
At that time they both looked at the sound of someone coming up the stairs. It was the deliveryman with her food. Sam paid him and he quickly left. She held open the door and asked Jack if he wanted to come in. He quietly entered her apartment. He noticed the box of tissues, the spent tissues on the coffee table and that the television set was off. Sam went into the kitchen with her food and asked if he wanted some, stating that she had plenty. Jack's stomach growled loud enough that Sam heard it. She chuckled and said that she would take that reply as a yes.
Jack joined her in the dining room and they ate. There were the typical questions of how she was doing, and catching her up on what everyone was up to. They finished dinner and moved to the living room, turning on the television set. Since Jack was unsure of how Sam was going to react, he sat in the chair while Sam sat on the sofa. His seating choice was noticed by Sam and she figured that he was holding up his side of their agreement, they would not be together again.
They sat there in silence for a few minutes, both pretending to watch television. Jack decided that he needed to know how she felt. He wondered if she hated him since he caused her to loose the baby. He was going to have to tell her everything, including how he found out about her condition.
Jack cleared his throat, getting Sam's attention.
"Sam, please listen to everything that I have to say before you scream at me," Jack stated.
Sam said that she needed to tell Jack something. Jack told Sam to go first, because he thought that what he had to say might be tied in with her information.
Sam cleared her throat and then started telling Jack about her dreams. The tears started to roll down her cheeks and Jack moved to the sofa to comfort Sam. She finished by telling him about the miscarriage and how she asked Janet to hide it. Then she told Jack that he had been the father of the baby. She leaned into Jack and she started to cry again. He put his arms around her and comforted her, telling her that they would work through this together.
A few minutes later Sam said that she was surprised that he was so calm. Jack said that now it was his turn to confess something. He told Sam how worried he was about her and that he figured that something else was wrong by the way she had been acting. He said that he managed to get Dr. Fraiser distracted so he could sneak in and see if Sam's medical file revealed what was wrong.
Jack held her and told her that he read about the miscarriage, the estimated development of the fetus and said that he sorry for her loss. He said that thought of him being a father again was some of the most wonderful news, but he was upset that he had caused her to choose his life over the baby's life. The two hugged with Jack gently rocking Sam in his arms. Both were emotionally drained and fell asleep in each other's arms.
When Jack woke up, Sam was still asleep in his arms. He gently picked her up and carried her to bed. He tucked her in and was closing the bedroom door when he heard her call his name.
"Jack. Please don't leave. I don't want to be alone tonight. This is so hard for me and I just want someone here," Sam stated.
"Sam, you don't have to go through this all by yourself. Let me help you and in turn you will help me. The baby was a part of both of us, and right now I think we need to lean on one another to get through this," Jack said as he took off his shoes and lay down on the bed above the covers.
He lay down and Sam curled up to him resting her head on his chest. They lay silently like that, just holding onto one another.
"Jack, come under the covers with me. I need to feel you next to me," Sam said.
Jack got up and started to slip under the covers with his clothes on. Sam asked him to take off his pants and shirt, and she did the same with her clothes. They both got under the covers in their underwear and Jack spooned up against Sam. They snuggled into each other and sleep overtook them.
Jack opened his eyes and saw that it was 2250hrs. He lay there remembering the last time he looked at the clock and what it meant. He smiled at the clock knowing that this time he was not leaving her. He felt her move, and then readjusted his hold on Sam pulling her a little closer to him.
"We're in this together Sam. I'll stay with you as long as you'll need me and as long as you'll let me stay, "Jack whispered.
"That could be a very long time Jack," Sam whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere," he stated.
"But the regulations still haven't changed. Are you sure about this?" She asked.
"There's only one thing I'm sure of at this time. That one thing is that right now I need you as much as you need me. Everything else will work itself out in time," Jack said.
"You know, I could get use to this if you're not careful," Sam said.
"Oh I'm already used to this. I just hope we can do this more. Right now you need to rest. Go to sleep Sam, I'll be right here when you wake up," Jack said and then kissed the top of her head.
"I'll hold you to your word Jack."
"Wild horses Sam. Wild Horses," Jack said as he wrapped his arms securely around Sam.
Nothing, not even wild horses would ever drag him away from her again. He listened and noticed that Sam's breathing had slowed, signaling she was asleep. He again kissed the top of her head, and then closed his eyes waiting to fall asleep with Sam in his arms. He knew that everything would work itself out in time but he wouldn't worry about it right now. All he needed right now was to be with Sam. Jack snuggled up closer to Sam as she slept.
"I plan to hold you a lot more in the future Samantha," Jack whispered to her, giving her a light squeeze as he dozed off to sleep.
Finis
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