Circle of Life
Circle of Life
by BadgerGater
TITLE: Circle of Life
Author: BadgerGater
Email: BadgerGater@cs.com
Category: Drama, Romance
Pairing: Jack/Sara
Spoilers: through S5
Season: 5
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Status: Completed
Summary: Jack gets an unexpected gift.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
Author's notes: My take on how the series should end, if they let me write the season finale. Imagine Jack happy.
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<< O'Neill: "At the time. I had to see her again.">>
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This would be my last night at home for a long time, maybe forever, I thought, as I left Cheyenne Mountain and the briefing with General Hammond, the Secretary of Defense, my team, Thor, and representatives of the Tok'ra.
We would either return victorious or not at all.
What's that old line, come back with your shield or on it"
Odds were, none of us would ever be back. Failure was not an option. Losing meant Earth would likely be destroyed. The Goa'uld had run out of patience with us, with the way we'd been snapping at their heels for years now. The treaty had been broken, we were no longer a protected planet.
The final battle was at hand, one last all-out strike, a desperate attempt to stave off disaster and destroy the Goa'uld. And the price would likely be my life and the lives of my team and maybe quite a few others, I thought grimly.
*****
I pulled into my driveway, crossed the walk, turned the key in my door, and started through the empty house. There wasn't much in the fridge, and what was there I threw out, bagged the trash and set it out beside the curb. Even if I made it back, it would be a while, weeks most likely, I was just saving myself a nasty clean-up job later, I told myself.
Yeah, right, Jack. Be honest. Just saving someone else from a nasty job. Who" Sara, probably. She was still the beneficiary of my will, she'd get what little I had, except for a few things I'd noted should go to Daniel, Teal'c and Sam. Well, if I didn't make it back, odds were they wouldn't make it either, so that was a moot point.
I roamed through the house, turned on the TV and turned it back off again. Too restless to focus on anything, not even my rooftop and the telescope beckoned. Tonight, it would just bring to mind the fact that tomorrow I'd be out there, among the stars, somewhere.
Not really knowing what I was going to do, but needing to do something, I picked up the keys and went back out to my truck. I drove to a place I'd visited often and walked silently across the quiet ground. For a long time I stood, just staring at the silent stone, thinking and remembering.
Finally, I muttered, 'charlie, I've got to go. If I don't come back, well, maybe I'll be seeing you," I chuckled bitterly, 'though I doubt you and I would end up in the same place. Just?" what was left to say" "Look out for your mom. This could be hard on her."
I suppose those thoughts are what led me there. I didn't do it consciously, I just started driving aimlessly, until suddenly I found myself in front of my old house, our house, Sara's house now. I pulled up at the curb, wondering what I was doing, not knowing why I was there or what I was going to say.
Something propelled me out of the pickup and up on the porch. My hand paused above the doorbell, then seemingly of its own accord it was pushing the little button and the doorbell was chiming. I turned away, looking back out at the street, turning back as I heard the sound of the inner door opening, and her familiar voice, "Who..." Oh, Jack."
"Hey."
"Hi." She was looking around, seeing no one else with me. "Ah, what are you doing here""
I shrugged, all the words I'd thought to say suddenly dried up, stuck in my throat. "I, ah,"
"Jack, what is it"" she said, softly, more kindly than I'd expected.
How could I tell her when I didn't know myself"
A strange look crossed her face. "Jack, is it really you" Not another one of those clone things..."
I grimaced and suddenly found myself studying my shoes. "No, it's me this time. Promise. The real thing, bad habits and all."
"So why are you here""
"I, uh, Charlie..."
"You came about Charlie" What about Charlie""
"I uh, guess I just wanted to talk to you. For a minute."
Something in my face or my voice caught her attention. She was studying me intently. "What is it""
I shook my head.
"Come in," she opened the door, took my hand, led me down the hallway to the living room. Turning to me, putting her hands on my chest, she asked, "Jack, tell me what's wrong""
I let my eyes drift for a moment, taking in the sight of the familiar room. "I..."
"Jack, what is it" Jack" Talk to me. Please."
I laughed softly. "That's always been the problem, hasn't it" Me, not talking, you needing me to talk."
"You could try."
I wanted to, God knew I wanted to, knew I had so many things I'd never said to her, things she deserved to say, but I couldn't make my lips, teeth and tongue form the words. I stared dumbly at her, and finally, after long minutes of glacial silence, whispered, "I...Sara...you know."
She was watching me, an almost hopeful look on her face. Or maybe it was just my imagination.
"I"." Damn. I was frozen, and in the end, could do nothing more than raise my eyes to her in a wordless, hopeless plea for understanding.
Her face fell. "You show up at my door at this hour and say you want to talk and you won't talk. Nothing has changed. You never change, Jack," she said bitterly. "You raise my hopes, you let me think maybe this time it will be different, you will be different, and then it's the same thing all over again. I can see the emotions on your face but you still can't talk about them. You still think you can hide them, you still think you have to hide them or you can't be you. They're there, Jack, I know they are. You know they are. But you have to say the words, or it doesn't count. It just doesn't count," she finished wearily, and I saw the disappointment on her face as she turned away.
But everything has changed. I've changed. The world, the universe has changed. I'm going away tomorrow and I'll probably not be coming back. It's not like I didn't leave on missions hundreds of times before, dangerous missions, missions where I always knew there was a risk I wouldn't come back to her. But this time, it feels different.
I stared at the wall, at the picture of Charlie on the mantle, ordered myself to speak up. The words sounded hoarse and harsh to my ears. "I had to tell you I'm sorry."
She spun back to face me. "What""
"I want you to know I'm sorry."
"For""
She wasn't going to make this easy. I shrugged my shoulders, staring at the familiar swirling pattern of the carpet. "For everything. For Charlie. For us." And then I did the hardest thing I've done in years. I raised my face and looked into her eyes. "I'm sorry for what I did to us."
She shuddered, hugging herself, staying there, on the other side of the room, keeping her distance. "Damn you, Jack."
I cursed myself, because even now, as desperately as I wanted to, I couldn't say all that I needed to say to her, couldn't explain myself, and I'd done the one thing I hadn't wanted to do-- hurt her more.
Again.
Unable to look at her, I turned to the door. "I'll go," I said softly.
Her hand on my arm was a shock. I turned to face her.
Her eyes stared intently into mine, searching and she must have found something there because her voice softened. "Come with me." Taking my hand, Sara led me, up the stairs, down the hallway, and opened the door to Charlie's room. Still unchanged, after nearly five years. She couldn't let him go, either.
I hesitated at the doorway.
She turned back to look at me. "I know it's hard, but it will help. It helped the other guy, that other you, that time."
I stepped across the threshold, into his room, like stepping back five years, into the perfect life I'd once had. All his things were still there: his baseball glove, his school pictures, the shuttle model we'd built together. As my fingers slowly caressed each item he'd loved, I could feel another piece of that shell I'd grown around my heart, fall away and shatter.
"You'll never forget him"" Stupid question, Jack.
"No. You won't either."
"He's always here, in my heart, as long as I live, but when I'm gone..."
"Gone"... Jack what are you saying""
"I.. Sara..."
"What" Jack, tell me! You're scaring me!"
"He was a great kid." I could hear the hitch in my voice and heard it mirrored in her answer.
"Yes, he was."
"I still miss him."
She nodded, I don't think she could get the words out.
"He deserved better..."
"Yes, he did," she said, stronger now. "We all did."
"No parents should outlive their child."
Sara sighed, and her shoulders slumped.
I let my eyes roam over all the tiny bits and pieces that were all that was left of his life, trying to memorize it. The thought crossed my mind that I'd likely be joining him soon. I didn't know what sort of hereafter I believed in, but I couldn't believe that he was gone, which had to mean there was something. Didn't it" I reached out and touched his jacket, hanging on the peg on the wall, closing my eyes, trying to picture his face and hear his voice, recall the sound of his laughter. The images didn't come, that's how it was now, after so long. I couldn't close my eyes and recapture him in an instant, like I'd once been able to. He was slipping away, less real, more ghostly, just a shadow now.
I leaned forward, resting my head against the soft cloth of his jacket.
"Jack, what's wrong"" Sara knew me too well.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, on an assignment. It's not likely I'll be back for a long time. If ever." There, I'd said it. The words hung in the air between us.
"Another suicide mission"" she asked.
"No. Maybe. I don't know. This is important. The most important thing I've ever done. If we succeed, so many lives will be saved," I said softly, looking around at the remnants of the precious life I hadn't been able to save. Finally, I looked at her. "I can't tell you anything else. I shouldn't have told you that much. It's just, I didn't want to just disappear. I wanted you to know..."
"Will I know" Will I hear about it, on the news""
"No. Either way, you won't hear anything. Too hush-hush."
Slowly, she reached out a hand to brush my arm. "Jack, you don't have to go."
"Yes, I do."
She looked away. "That's what you always said, that you had to. For us. Well, there's no us anymore, so why""
"Because it's what I do. It's my job. It's," I picked up Charlie's baseball glove, ran my fingers lovingly over the soft leather, raised it to my face to inhale the scent of the leather, old sweat and oil. "Because it's the one and only thing I've ever been good at, the only way I've ever made a difference, for anyone."
"You made a difference for me," she said gently.
"Not enough," I said bitterly, putting the glove down. I turned back to the doorway, stopping to stare at the marks on the woodwork. Charlie's height was marked on the wall, the year written beside it in Sara's neat hand. Mom marked above it, Dad written there too. Tenderly, I traced the marks with callused fingers, remembering how we'd done this each year on his birthday, how he'd been so proud to see the marks climbing up the wall, how he'd grinned and promised he'd grow taller than dad. "He'd have been as tall as me, by now," I said quietly, and behind me I heard Sara sob.
"Jack, please."
I turned and all but ran from the room, down the hall, down the stairs, to the front door. That's where Sara caught up to me. "Jack, wait. Don't go."
My hand was already on the doorknob. I knew I should go and I knew I didn't want to. I knew that if I looked at her again, I wouldn't be able to leave. Taking a deep breath, I stared at the pale blue painted door. "I have to go. I shouldn't have come here and upset you."
Her hand tugged at my arm. "Jack... please. Damn it Jack, look at me."
I gave in, and turned to face her. I don't know what showed on my face, but it was something, a lot, I'm sure, because I saw her face change. Her eyes got big, huge, and scared. "Don't go like this."
"I have to. I don't deserve to be here."
"Where did you ever get that idea"" she asked.
I shrugged. "This is your place now. I don't belong here."
"You've always belonged here."
"Then why did you tell me to get out" Why..."" I stopped myself. This wasn't the time to get into that argument. It was too late, in more ways than one. Why dredge up the past when there was no future" She'd asked me to leave, and I'd left, and now I needed to be going again. Fast.
"I didn't want you to go. I didn't think you *would* go." She couldn't look at me now. "I thought that if I told you to go, I'd get a reaction out of you. I'd get your attention. I'd make you mad and make you fight for me. I thought you'd *see* me, *see* how much I needed you."
"I thought you were angry."
"I was. I was angry, hurt, furious, scared and so alone. I couldn't stand to be here with you and be so alone. Do you understand that" Do you""
I nodded. She'd taught me what it meant to be alone, all right. Just like I'd taught her. There's nothing worse than being alone in a room with the one person who means the world to you, and be unable to do anything for her but hurt her more. It had just taken me a damn long time to figure that out.
Our eyes locked. Oh God, Sara. I put all that hurt into your eyes. I took away the most important thing in your life and for that, I don't deserve your love or your forgiveness. I destroyed your life. I destroyed us.
Why is it you only hurt the ones you love, the ones that mean the most to you, the ones you never meant to hurt"
I wanted to find the words, I wanted to explain it all to her, to tell her how I felt, to beg her forgiveness and let all the loneliness and longing pour out of my heart. More than anything, I wanted to give her back what I had taken from her, the one thing no one could give her back-- her son.
"I can't fix things between us," I whispered, finally. "I don't know how."
"You don't have to." She wrapped her hand around my arm. "Tonight, you came here, to me, like I've wanted you to do for so long. You turned to me for comfort. That's what I've needed from you all along, to feel needed. When we lost Charlie, you didn't turn to me, you turned away. That was what hurt the most, Jack, even more than the way I needed you and you weren't there for me. I was desperate to help you and you wouldn't let me. I saw how you were hurting and you pushed me away, you wouldn't let me help you. I *needed* you but even more than that I needed *you* to need *me*. Maybe you can't understand that, but that's how I felt."
"I'm sorry." My words were no more than a whisper. My throat was closed up so tight I couldn't breathe, my mind empty of all the things I knew I needed to say but had no words for, my guilt, my regrets, my fears, the self-loathing that had driven us apart when what we'd needed most was each other. "I was so lost, I couldn't see what I needed and I sure as hell couldn't see what you needed. I could only see what I'd done, what we'd lost..."
Her voice grew soft. "I know. It took me a long time to figure it out myself, to see what I needed, and by then, I wasn't sure that you still cared about me."
I can be a cold and silent son of a bitch, I know that. I just never realized what that silence could do to someone else. "I always cared. Always."
"I know. I just had to give you the time to figure that out for yourself." She sighed. "Jack, hold me, please. We can't bring Charlie back, but we can still have each other."
I shook my head. "It's too late, Sara. Tomorrow..."
"Tomorrow is tomorrow. Tonight is tonight. Stay. Tonight. Don't go back to your empty house. Please."
I shook my head no. "I shouldn't."
"I can't bear the thought of you going home, alone."
"I, no, I..."
"Jack." For one long endless moment, she stared at me, then Sara took my hand and I surrendered. I gave in to what I'd wanted for so long. Sara led me back up the stairs, not to Charlie's room, but to hers, the one that had been ours. And then she took my face in her hands, pulling it down to her and kissed me, full on the mouth, hard, passionately, and I sighed.
I pulled back, wanting her, yet not wanting to hurt her. "Sara, this isn't right. I'm going away tomorrow."
"Then we have tonight."
"What is this, a sympathy roll in the sheets"" I was trying my damnedest not to do this, not to break her heart all over again.
"No, I want to give you something to come home to, a reason to come back," and she kissed me again.
Oh God. I had wanted her for so long, dreamed so often of being with her and ached for her remembered touch, that it didn't seem real as we undressed each other and fell into the bed.
It was like I'd never made love to a woman before, all the need and hunger of five years wrapped into that one magical night. It wasn't like I'd been a monk during that time and I doubted she'd been celibate either, but I had to admit I'd never stopped loving her or wanting her or regretting how I'd hurt her. I'd never in all my life tried so hard to please her and comfort her. See, there is a difference between love and sex, and this was one and both.
It was funny. I'd known her so well, knew every inch of her like she knew me, and yet, it was different. I felt almost shy, after all this time, to be back with her. I knew the smell and feel of her, her skin, her touch, and yet, it was not the same. New and old, then and now, want and need, guilt and sorrow and forgiveness, love and sex, all wrapped together.
Finally, she fell asleep in my arms, her head cradled on my bare chest, the way she used to after we'd made love in this room, in this bed, this place where we'd created Charlie.
I didn't sleep much. I wanted to remember every moment of this night, to take with me the memory of being with her again, to savor the comfort I somehow could only accept from her. I had failed her so badly, I didn't deserve her and I certainly didn't deserve her forgiveness.
Oh God, Sara, I love you.
I whispered those words to her as she lay snuggled against my chest, my hand stroking her short hair.
*****
I tried to slip out quietly in the pre-dawn darkness, but she moved restlessly against me as I slid out from her embrace and fumbled for my clothes. I'd barely have time to make a quick stop at home for clean clothes and a shave, I thought, but I hadn't wanted to leave, I'd wanted this night to go on forever.
"Do you have to go already"" whispered her sleepy voice from the bed.
"Yes. It's after 4."
"You could stay."
"You know I can't."
"Come back""
"I'll try."
She sat up, pulling the covers around her, her hair tousled and her eyes all sleepy. "Jack, I never stopped loving you. Sometimes I hated you and sometimes I wanted to hurt you as much as you'd hurt me, but I never stopped loving you. I don't want anyone else, Jack, only you. Despite all your faults. You've spoiled me for anyone else. I've had the best, how could I ever settle for less""
I bent down to kiss her once more, hugging her close, my face in her hair, memorizing again the feel and the scent of her. "I will always love you," I said fiercely. "If I don't come back, remember that you and Charlie were the best things that ever happened to me, the best part of my life." I got up and left quickly before I changed my mind and stayed.
"Jack, be careful," I heard the soft words follow me down the hall. "Come back to me."
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It was a long drive home, and then on to Cheyenne Mountain. Not just because of what I knew my team was facing, but also because of what I was leaving behind. Ironic. For the first time in a long time, I had something worth coming home for, and the truth was, it was unlikely I'd *be* coming home. I've got great timing, don't I"
Sara was still on my mind while I finished the preparations for the mission. All four of us were in the locker room, each of us lost in our own thoughts or dreams or memories. I was sitting on the bench and taking one last look around when the room was suddenly bathed in white light and Thor stood in front of me. You know, those little gray guys could work a little on making unobtrusive entrances, but hey, he's pulled me out of a tough situation or two, so I guess I really shouldn't complain about the Asgard transport system.
"Hey, Thor, right"" Those little gray guys sort of all look alike to me. "We aren't late or anything are we" Thought we had ten minutes or so..."
"No, you are prompt as always, O'Neill, but we do have one piece of unfinished business before we embark on our journey."
I stiffened, not liking the sound of that at all. Five years of gate travel will induce a little healthy paranoia, even about the aliens who are supposed to be your friends.
He nodded his little gray head. "O'Neill." He paused, then spoke. "Are you prepared for your mission""
I looked down at the picture I was holding, an old one, of Sara, Charlie and me, all together, all smiling, all alive and whole. I'd been contemplating sticking it into my pocket. Strictly against the regs to carry anything personal into battle, but then, this was no ordinary battle, and the odds were I wasn't coming back and so what could it hurt to carry this with me" I was sort of figuring the regulations just didn't apply. In the end, I tucked the photo into my pocket, closed the flap and nodded at Thor.
He was staring at me quizzically. "You are sad."
Damned perceptive little guy. I shrugged, didn't answer.
"We realize you are making a great sacrifice for us, O'Neill, and we wish to give you a gift, a reward, to show our appreciation."
"You might want to wait with that appreciation until we've succeeded," I suggested.
"Our appreciation is not dependent on your success, O'Neill. We know you have already sacrificed much for the good of your world, and your friendship with us. We would grant you any gift within our power."
"Oh, none needed, Thor. Just doing my job," I said. An idea suddenly crossed my mind. "Though you could name another one of those big and honkin' spaceships for me, and *not* blow it up. So I'd get to see it this time, maybe even take it for a little test drive. That would be nice."
"That is not the kind of gift we wish to bestow on our friend. We wish to grant you a true gift, O'Neill, for all you have endured and all you may yet endure, for our sakes."
"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for my own people."
"Ah, that, O'Neill, I do not believe. Your heart is more open than you know."
I could feel my face turning red. "Well, just keep those Lego-spiders busy over there in your own galaxy. That'll do it for me."
The little gray...man... walked across the room to stand in front of me. With me seated, we were just about eye to eye. He took hold of my hand. "Think, O'Neill, of that which you would desire most."
Unbidden, a picture came to me, of the one moment in my life I ached to undo, the one thing I wanted to have back, the one moment I wanted to erase from time-- that gunshot, and Charlie's small, lifeless body.
Thor blinked, pulling his hand away from mine, and I could read the sadness in those giant, doe eyes. "Oh O'Neill, you know we would grant you anything that is within our powers. But such a thing as that is beyond us, even beyond the great power of the Ancients."
I shrugged. "That's..."
"We cannot restore to you that which you lost, but you will receive a great gift which will heal your heart."
Yeah, right, I thought.
Thor went to each of the others, touching their hands as well, each of them smiling.
When he'd left, I didn't ask the others about their 'gifts,' figuring they'd tell me if they wanted to. Me, I wasn't going to tell anyone. Thor just didn't know humans, or at least this particular one, well enough to understand that he couldn't heal my heart. It was forever beyond repair.
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Two months later, SG-1, battered, ragged, battleworn but still alive, stumbled back through the Stargate.
Unashamedly, I staggered down the ramp and kissed the gateroom floor. A bit theatrical, maybe, even for me, but I was glad to be back.
The Goa'uld were defeated. Earth was safe. Thor's race, the Asgard, were rid of one thorn in their sides and could turn their attention back to their foes in their home galaxy.
Earth would have a respite. Maybe we could even use the Stargate for all the good things Daniel had always envisioned, for re-initiating contact with all those ancient peoples of Earth the snakes had scattered around the universe; with finding new races, new plants, new medicines; with simply embracing the joy of discovering the universe. We really could be peaceful explorers from Earth, as Daniel had said so many times.
We'd done it. We'd won the war. We'd saved the whole honkin' planet and probably the universe, or at least the good guys part.
Holy shit.
Doc spent a lot of time fussing over us. The damage we'd accumulated over those two months was nothing life-threatening, but we all had enough nagging injuries to leave us exhausted, worn down and unfit to do anything but sleep for the first 48 hours. Afterwards, it was round the clock briefings to go over the whole thing, who'd done what to whom and how.
Of course, there wouldn't be any ticker tape parades. We did get a phone call from the President, talk of the Presidential Medal of Honor, the top secret one. Didn't matter to me. I'd survived, my team had survived, my people would survive, Earth was safe. That was all the reward I needed.
*****
Six days after our return, we were finally cleared to go home, with 30 days leave for SG-1. Daniel, Sam and I followed Teal'c to the gate, bidding him farewell as he went to the Land of Light to be with his family. Sam was next through the gate, to meet the Tok'ra and her father on PX-somewhere.
That left me and Daniel. "Give you a ride"" I asked.
"Well, actually, I'm going to Abydos. Visit family and friends there for a bit. But don't worry, I'll be back." He looked at me apologetically.
"Oh, don't worry, Daniel, you're not abandoning me. I'm glad for you, for all of you."
"So are you going to see Sara"" I'd told him about that night, the last night before I'd left Earth all those weeks ago.
"Yeah."
"I really hope it works out for you, better than the last time, when you left Abydos to go home," he said, thoughtfully.
"Me, too."
We looked awkwardly at one another, and then I shrugged, not caring who might be watching up in the control room. I stepped forward and hugged him, then stood at the base of the ramp, watching him walk through the Stargate to his other life. He stopped just inches from the event horizon, turning to give me that little half salute I'd chewed him out for so many times. This time, I saluted back. I stood staring after him a long while after the wormhole shut off, feeling a little...lost. Well, okay. A lot lost.
I went back to my office, feeling empty and alone for the first time in a long time. I knew that winning this war was going to change SG-1 forever, change our team, change all of the SGC. Hammond would probably retire now. I might, too. My battles were over, my war was won. If I truly did have someone to go home to, I was going to make Sara the same offer I'd meant to make her five years ago, after Abydos. I'd retire, she'd have all of me, if she wanted me, not have to share me with the Air Force anymore. I wasn't sure she'd want me. It had, after all, been only one night, one desperately lonely night. I wouldn't blame her if she'd thought about it, thought about me, and had the good sense to change her mind.
I called, got her machine, and decided not to leave a message, but instead drove to her house.
It felt strange, the routine, the normality of it, after all this time, to be back on Earth, doing something as everyday as driving a car. Everything looked fresh and new and real again.
When I pulled into her driveway, her car was there. I could see her in the backyard on her hands and knees, planting flowers, the soft sound of music wafting out of the open kitchen window.
"Sara""
She turned, and this smile, this huge, welcoming smile lit up her face, and she was pushing herself to her feet, and I was running across the yard, throwing my arms around her, spinning her around, and she was laughing, laughing, like I hadn't heard her laugh in years, and I was laughing, too.
"Set me down!" she protested, finally, "you're making me dizzy."
"Good," I said smiling, kissing her. "I take it you missed me""
She punched my shoulder good-naturedly. "Missed you" Missed you" I was so afraid you'd never come back and you wouldn't ever know..." there was something about her look, her smile...
"Know what""
"It's a secret," she said, with a giggle.
"I'm very good at secrets," I said, nuzzling her neck. "What kind of a secret""
"One that won't keep for very long," she said with an odd smile, one hand resting on her stomach. "Jack, I think you'd better sit down." She led me over to the deck, the one I'd built years ago, and I sat beside her on the steps, our shoulders touching.
"Okay, I'm sitting down. Tell me."
She turned to look at me, and I matched her movement, so now we were sitting knee to knee. Taking my hand in hers, Sara took a deep breath. "I know it doesn't make much sense, it hardly seems possible, I know that, but I swear, it's the only possibility, the only conceivable possibility, because you're the only one..."
"What""
"Jack, I'm...."
A strange thought was forming in my head. "Sara...."
"I'm pregnant."
I sat silent, stunned. "But, but... the doctors said...."
"I know. God, it took us years to have Charlie and then the doctors said I couldn't have any more kids. It's a miracle, honest to God, Jack, a miracle."
"But how..."
She laughed, the way I hadn't heard her laugh since that terrible day five years before. "The usual way, dummy, you and me..."
"But we only...It was just once... I mean, we tried all those years..."
"The doctor couldn't believe it. She thought I was nuts when I asked her to do the test. I thought I was nuts. I thought it was all just wishful thinking, hoping..."
"Thor," I whispered, understanding, now, thanking him silently.
Sara shot me an odd look. "We are *not* naming our child Thor!"
"No, never mind. That's not what I meant. Doesn't matter. We'll pick any name you like."
------------------
I didn't go home that night, well, at least not back to my own house. Instead, we clung to each other like a couple of teenagers who'd been separated over summer vacation, touching, holding hands, never letting go of each other, afraid of losing the miracle of finding each other again.
She made supper and I ate it, and to this day I don't remember what it was, because it didn't matter, it was just fuel to keep my body going. After, we went out to the backyard, and sat side by side on the big porch swing, watching the sunset streak the blue sky with glowing bands of orange. It got chilly, and we cuddled closer, gazing up as the sky darkened and the stars appeared one by one. Finally, she laid her head against my shoulder.
We didn't talk much. I've never been good at talking, I've always tried to let my actions speak for me. I wrapped my arms around her and silently promised myself that this time it would be different, this time I wouldn't fail her and our child. This time I'd be different because all that had happened over the last five years really had changed me, and I was damn well going to show her that.
"Sara," I asked softly, "will you go fishing with me tomorrow""
She stirred in my arms, lifting her head off my shoulder. "Fishing" We've been apart for five years and you want to go fishing""
I shrugged. "I like going fishing."
"I'm supposed to go to work."
"To hell with work. Let's go up to the lake and go fishing, you know the place..." I didn't have to spell it out for her. Up at the lake, where we'd made love the first time, on a blanket under the stars; up at the lake, where we'd hiked, cooked, camped, and never caught any fish; up at the lake, where I'd proposed to her the first time.
"I don't have any fishing gear, Jack," she whispered, not getting what I was trying to say.
"We don't need any. We don't need anything, as long as we have each other."
She shifted again, sitting up. "Do we" Do we have each other""
I swallowed, suddenly scared, afraid she'd say no, but needing her answer. "If you'll have me."
She didn't answer.
My heart hammered. Oh God, what if after all this, she didn't really want me back. She didn't have to take me back, just because she was carrying my child. Sara was strong and independent, and maybe over the last five years she'd discovered she didn't need me.
Softly, very softly, she asked, "Was that a proposal""
"Ah, not a very good one, but yeah." Taking her hand in mine, looking straight into her eyes, I bared my soul because she *was* my soul, she carried my soul and held all the keys to my soul, and without her I was just a cynical, lonely Air Force guy with aching knees and an aching back and too many scars inside and out. "I haven't had time to get a ring, and the old knees won't let me do this the right way," I grinned, "but will you marry me""
She looked down at her lap, where her hands were wrapped around mine. "You don't have to do this because of the baby, Jack..."
"No, I'm asking you to marry me because you're the only woman who will go fishing with me. What do you think""
She raised her gaze to meet mine. "I need to *know* what you think, Jack. Now. The truth. From the heart. I can't be guessing, not anymore. I'm too old to go through that again with you. Tell me. No games, no excuses. Find the words and say them out loud, because I need to hear them. I have to hear them. Say what you're thinking. Tell me what you're feeling. I know you can. I know you have the words. It's the only thing I'll ever ask of you, that you be honest with me."
I stared into her eyes and dropped my gaze to stare down at my hands. Stumbling over the words, but for just this once I left out the sarcasm and the cynicism and the smartass remarks and told her what I really felt. "Sara, I don't deserve you, I never have and I never will and you'd be a damn fool to take me back." I forced another breath, and said the rest in a rush, before my courage deserted me. "But I *need* you, I've always needed you. You make me whole. You fill up all the dark, empty places inside me." I stopped, struggling for the words, looking up into the infinite starfilled sky above us. "Loving you is like breathing. It's a part of me that's always there. I don't have to think about it. It just is."
A small sound escaped from deep in Sara's throat, a sob.
"I know being together again won't be easy but I'll try. I'll do anything for you, because I can't go on without you. I tried, but my life was always empty, something was always missing. I'm retiring for good this time, and I'll be here for you and the baby, no matter what. I love you, and I want you to be happy. And I'd marry you even without the baby." Just saying those words, 'the baby' astounded me, amazed and delighted me, stunned me, shocked me and put a feeling of hope in my heart that had been gone for a very long time.
Her voice was very small. "I'm scared."
Shit. I wanted her back so bad, I'd never thought that I might be overwhelming her, that she might be justifiably afraid because I'd hurt her so unforgivably before. "I can't promise I'll never hurt you, but I'll do anything for you, Sara, you know that""
"It's not you I'm afraid of."
I reached out and pulled her close against me again, feeling her trembling. "What is it then"" I asked gently.
"I'm afraid for the baby, afraid of losing the baby. I'm 40, Jack, and I've miscarried before..."
Stroking her hair, I pulled her head in against my chest. "You and the baby will be fine."
"You don't know that. You can't know that."
"Okay, I don't *know* that. But medicine has come so far in the last few years, I know things will be okay. Trust me. I know. I can't tell you how or why, but I know."
I felt Sara snuggle in against my chest, burying her face in my shirt. "I want to believe you..."
"Then do. Just do."
We didn't say anything for a long time. The sky was pure velvet black now, a sprinkling of stars scattered like diamonds tossed carelessly across the heavens.
I sighed, realizing Sara hadn't ever answered me. Maybe she wasn't going to, I couldn't blame her for that. I tried to resign myself to the idea of absentee parenthood, picture myself as the dad coming to visit his kid, like it had been with my own dad the last few years I'd lived at home, after my folks had divorced. My kid wouldn't know anything else, wouldn't know what it was like to have parents who lived together. My kid. I still couldn't grasp the enormity of it, that I was going to be a father again. I'd never thought I'd get another chance. I wiped moisture from my cheeks, wondering where rain drops could have come from on such a perfect, starry night.
I looked up into the sky, and picked out a couple of stars I knew, stars where I'd walked on their alien planets among alien creatures. Where I'd fought and helped win a war, where I'd made friends and enemies, where I'd lost friends and found new ones. Where my friends were now, Daniel and Teal'c and Sam. Far away, but forever a part of me.
It was quiet in the backyard. I could hear the neighbor's TV, and kids splashing in a pool somewhere down the block; a stereo blaring loudly from across the street; a dog barking; cars gliding down the highway. Normal, everyday suburban American life sounds.
I sighed. I'd had all this once, and thrown it away, and if I didn't get it back, well, I could live with that. As long as Sara had what she needed. Everything else I could handle, I could go on without her if I had to, as long as she got another chance. As long as I knew she was happy. That was my redemption, that I'd given back at least some small part of what I'd taken from her.
I'd thought Sara had fallen asleep when her quiet voice suddenly said, "yes."
"Yes, what""
"Yes, I'll go fishing with you, and yes, I'll marry you."
"You sure"" I asked, finding it suddenly hard to believe my own ears.
"Well, I might change my mind about the fishing, but I've already got the rings, and I never quit using your name, and this house and a baby will be way more than I can take care of by myself, so, yes, Jack. I'll marry you because after everything that's happened, I love you. Despite all your faults."
"Faults" Me""
She patted my arm. "Faults, you, yes, plenty. Me too. Now let's go up to bed. I'm sleeping for two, remember."
------------------------
It's funny, but that day years ago when I'd first walked into General Hammond's office, he'd asked me if I'd ever thought of writing a book. Hadn't meant to, then. I am writing my memoirs, now, though. I don't know if anyone will ever get to read them, they're still classified, as are all of the things SG-1 did. Maybe my children will, someday, or maybe my grandchildren.
Yeah, you read it right. Children. Twins. Wished I'd had the chance to thank Thor. I don't know how he did it, I just know he did, because one baby would have been miracle enough.
But I'm getting ahead of my story.
I'll never forget George's face when I walked into his office that day just two weeks into my leave.
I knocked on his door, heard his usual "enter," and stepped into the office. "Good morning, General."
Hammond looked up from his desk in surprise. "Jack" What are you doing here" Don't tell me you're bored with the time off already. I thought you'd still be in Minnesota."
"Had some personal business to attend to first, Sir. Haven't had much time for fishing. Yet."
He was looking at me strangely. I figured it had something to do with the stupid grin I couldn't keep off my face. "So what can I help you with, Son""
"I came to give you this. For real this time. The last time. Seriously."
He picked up the letter I slid across the desk towards him, unsealed the envelope slowly, and read the brief words. He chuckled. "Well, I can't say this surprises me. I just thought I'd probably beat you to it, that you'd at least wait until your 30 days leave was up. I'll be retiring by then myself, son."
I grinned. "I've got a lot of things to do, so I thought I'd get this out of the way first. And it was a promise I needed to keep."
"A promise" To retire""
"Yes, Sir. I'm glad you're sitting down, George, can I call you George now" Because that's not all."
"Don't tell me you're taking up politics" Writing that book""
"Maybe the book, Sir, since someday all of this just might become public knowledge. Actually, Sir, the rest of the story is that I'm getting married."
"What"" George, bless him, looked flummoxed.
"You know, Sir. Married. Hitched. Tying the knot. Permanently adopting the two step. Giving up the wild, hedonistic, swinging bachelor life for wedded bliss."
"Isn't this a little sudden, Colonel" You've only been back two weeks."
"Actually, no, Sir. It's taken a long time."
"But..."
"General, I'm re-marrying Sara."
"Your ex""
"Yes, Sir. We, ah, started, ah, ah, talking again, before the last mission." I think my face got rather red.
The General, being a very perceptive man, didn't need me pointing out any details. "I'm happy for you, son. Very happy."
"Thanks." I shuffled my feet, looking down at the carpet, then raised my eyes to tell him the last bit. "And uh, remember Thor and his little promise of a gift""
"Of course. This is a wonderful gift, Jack. It's hard to live alone when you've had a family," Hammond paused. I knew he was thinking of his late wife and my late son. "I know."
"I know you do, Sir." I looked down again, lifting my face with a grin so wide it made my jaw hurt. "And you won't have to worry about me keeping busy in retirement. I'm going to have a full-time job at home. The dad-diapers-formula thing."
It was one of the few times in five years I'd ever really, truly stunned General George Hammond.
"Yup. Kid on the way. In about six and a-half months..."
In about two seconds flat he was on his feet and around his desk faster than I'd have thought an overweight and ready to retire two star could move. His hand was shaking mine so hard I thought the fingers would snap. "Jack, that's, that's, Jack, that's wonderful news." Was that a hint of a tear I saw in the General's eye" Couldn't be. Of course, there weren't any in my eyes, either. Naw, not us, a couple of hard as nails old warhorses charging toward retirement.
"You'll come to the wedding then, Sir""
"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Jack."
"Well, you better not, General, because I need someone to give the bride away.
He was a great CO and great friend, and I think he was nearly as happy for me as I was for myself. I vowed that he would be one of the people I was going to keep in touch with after we'd retired. I owed him more than I could ever say, because he'd called me back out of retirement, overlooked my not so little fib about what had happened on Abydos, got me back on active duty and gave me a command. Unlike General West and most likely everyone else in the Air Force, he hadn't dismissed me as damaged goods. He'd listened to me, counseled me, defended me, kicked my butt when I needed it, but most of all, he'd never given up on me, even when I'd given up on myself.
-----
When our 30 days leave was up, and all of SG-1 back for at least a few days as we closed down our unit, Sara and I hosted a small get together at my house. I wanted her to meet my military family, and I wanted them to meet her. A nice, informal barbecue with George, Daniel, Teal'c, Sam and Doc.
The day before the party, we cleaned the house and prepped the backyard, bought groceries and that night fell into bed exhausted. I spooned up behind Sara, wrapping my hands around her already rounded belly, feeling wonder at the new life growing there.
"Tired"" I asked.
"Yes."
"You didn't over do it""
"No. You wouldn't let me. I'm pregnant, not an invalid. Exercise is good for me." She snuggled against me and sighed contentedly. "I'm glad to be meeting your friends at last."
"You met them once before."
She had to pause a moment to think back. It had been four years ago, and only a few brief moments in the hospital corridor, and she'd been frightened and stunned. "I remember." How could she forget" Seeing me, or at least someone or something she thought was me, collapsing, blue sparks flickering over me, and then later, that image of Charlie. Sara shivered.
"Hey, you okay"" I asked.
"Just thinking," she bit her lip, then went on. "Jack, you never really explained what happened, that time, at the hospital, the day I met your friends." She didn't add the rest, the day she'd seen that walking, talking, image of their dead son. "Jack..."
I didn't know what to say. I owed her an explanation, owed her the truth but I was bound by oaths of secrecy to the USAF and the SGC. "I can't..."
She sighed. "I understand," she whispered wearily.
Damn. I couldn't do this to her. I owed her, owed her far more than I owed to my former career. So there *were* some things I couldn't tell her, but she deserved an explanation, a better one that what I'd made up on the spur of the moment later that night. It was time for the lies, deceptions and secrecy between us to end. Once and for all. Maybe it wasn't what I should do, maybe it was breaking my word, forsaking the military code of silence to tell her, but I had to. I was not going to let us start over without telling her the truth. I was not going to fall into that trap of half-truths, vague evasions and outright deceptions that had tainted our relationship in the past. My special ops, undercover days were over. Period.
"No, it's time you really did understand," I told her, shuffling around on the bed until I was lying on my back, Sara lying on her side, tucked under my left arm, her head cradled on my chest. "I'm not in the Air Force anymore, and even at that I shouldn't tell anyone, but you deserve to know the truth." I paused and took a deep breath, wondering where to start.
"When General West sent for me, he had a rather unusual assignment. There's a top secret base under Cheyenne Mountain, and they had this... thing there, a big honking ring thing... that they'd found over in Egypt years ago. Someone figured out it was a contraption aliens had left here, a thing to travel between planets, but they didn't know how to use it, not when I first got there, anyway."
Sara squirmed, pulling back to glare at me. "So you've been traveling to other planets" Right, Jack," her voice was angry and disbelieving. "Look, if you can't tell me the truth, you could at least make up something that I'd believe."
"Sara, honest to God, it *is* the truth. Daniel figured out how to work the gate, how to get us to other planets."
"So you've been to other planets" Talked to aliens" Zipped around the sky in UFOs" Sure. I know your mother dropped you on your head when you were a baby, but I've never been *that* gullible. Damn it, Jack..."
"Sara, please. Listen. I couldn't make up a story like this, you know me better than that."
I could almost see the wheels in her head spinning madly. "I'm supposed to believe this..."
"Only because it's the truth. I swear ..." I told her the whole story, well, okay, not the *whole* story, but enough. I told her about the Stargate, the first trip to Abydos, meeting Daniel and leaving him behind; retiring; Hammond calling me back; retrieving Daniel, losing Daniel's wife and finding Teal'c. I left out a few things, like how nasty the Goa'uld really were. I didn't tell her about the times I'd been dead, or when I got snaked by Hathor; I didn't tell her about being left behind for three months on Edora, or about Earthly enemies like Maybourne or Kinsey. No need for her to know stuff like that, it would only worry her. But all the rest I laid out to her-- the Stargate, gatetravel, aliens, other worlds. I tried to just cover the basics. And then I ended with my little gray buddy Thor, and his promise to me, and how because of it I knew she and the baby would be all right.
I know it was a lot for her to take in.
She didn't utter a word during the whole recitation. Finally, I finished, "I know this sounds like the plot from some bad science fiction TV show, but I swear to you, it's the truth."
"It's too weird not to be. You don't have that kind of an imagination," she whispered, stunned.
"Yup, as they say, truth is stronger than fiction."
"Stranger, Jack, the truth is stranger than fiction."
"That, too."
She laughed. "God, Jack, it's all real" You've *really* traveled to other planets and met aliens..."
"There'll be one in the living room tomorrow."
"What""
"Teal'c. My favorite alien. He's from the planet Chulak. But you'll like him. He's a real gentleman. Just don't ask him to show you Junior."
*****
Our family dinner went well. General Hammond charmed her, Daniel brought out her motherly instincts, Sam and Doc told her a few embarrassing stories about me, and Teal'c, well Teal'c bowed and kissed her hand and won over her heart in about three seconds flat.
Somewhere in the middle of it all I looked around the room and saw all these people, people that meant so much to me, all together, all *happy* and I choked up. Diving for the door before I made an absolute blubbering fool of myself, I ducked out onto the darkness of the deck and stood leaning over the railing, looking up at the night sky.
Happy. Who'd ever have thought that" Because not only were *they* happy, but I was, too.
When I heard the door open and footsteps coming up behind me, I turned, surprised to see who it was-- ol' Doc Fraiser, smiling at me.
"Colonel."
"Just Jack, now days."
"Right," she smiled. "Old habits die hard, though...Jack."
I smiled. "That's for sure."
She stood next to me, leaning on the railing, quiet for long minutes. "I'm being reassigned. Washington, D.C."
"Heard that. Promoted, too. Congratulations."
She smiled. "Yes. Cassie and I will miss this place, these people, you," she pointed back into the brightly lit living room where our friends sat. "It was a hell of a ride, Sir... Jack."
"Yes, it was."
"Things sure quieted down after SG-1 called it quits. My infirmary has never been so quiet," she said with a laugh. "Sometimes, it gets downright boring."
"I'll bet."
"I'm very, very happy for you." Doc's voice was quiet. "You deserve this, to be happy, to have found your family again."
I ducked my head. "Sara deserves it. I'm just the lucky bastard who gets to tag along."
"You never 'tag along' anywhere, Colonel...Jack. You're not the type." She sighed. "Being a parent is hard, but incredibly rewarding."
"Yes, it is. I'll miss you and Cassie. She...filled a need."
"I know. I used to watch you with her, and sometimes, when you thought no one was watching, you would get that look on your face... my heart ached for what you'd lost, what I knew you were missing..." she paused, her tone getting lighter. "I used to worry about you, a lot, about all that sorrow you carried around, locked up inside..."
"Sorry, I thought it didn't show."
"Most of the time it didn't, except to those of us who knew you well." She smiled. "The look is gone, by the way."
I nodded.
Silence descended.
"Colonel..."
"Jack..." I corrected.
"No. Colonel, I just wanted to say, you are the finest officer I've ever been privileged to serve with. Cassie is planning on the Air Force as a career, you know, and I just hope that someday she'll get the chance to serve with someone as good as you."
I shrugged. What could I say" Doc never would let me have the last word, but I tried. "You're pretty damn good yourself, Doc," and I reached down and hugged her.
She sighed. "I'm going to miss all of you, despite all the trouble you caused me," she said, her voice suddenly shaky. "Now I think we'd better go back inside before someone misses us."
*****
It was nearly midnight as I picked up the last of the dirty dishes and empty coffee cups. Sara had slumped tiredly on the couch, looking into the dying embers of the fire. After making my last trip to the kitchen, I dimmed the lights and snuggled up beside her.
"Thanks," I said.
"For what""
"For having them over."
"You miss them, don't you""
In the dim light, I nodded.
She smiled. "They mean a lot to you. I can tell."
"They were my life, my only family for a long time. They kept me going, when I had no one else."
We were silent so long I thought Sara had dozed off, when I felt her squirm against my chest.
"Should I be jealous""
"Of my team" No. Why""
Her voice was soft and direct. "No, not all of them. Just her."
My heart thumped. "Her" Who" Doc" Well, yeah, sure, she's seen every inch of me, but she's a doctor, you know" Professional interest only, although I do have to say I'm sure I impressed her mightily."
"That wasn't the her I meant." Sara's hand wrapped around mine. "You know that. Good try, though, flyboy. But it didn't work."
I shrugged. Sara always could see right through me, better x-ray vision than Superman. And she could put the fear of God in me, too.
"I need an answer, Jack."
"No, you don't need to be jealous of Carter. Ever. I guess I just didn't think you'd doubt me."
"I don't. I know that once you committed yourself to me, to us, again, that you'd never be unfaithful, not physically. But in your mind, that's another thing. If you'd rather be with her..."
"God, Sara, no." I took a deep breath, and thought hard about how to put it in words. It wasn't easy, because I'd never really figured out how I actually felt about Carter. "We're just friends and teammates. I care about all of them, a lot. There was a time, yes, when I thought I wanted there to be something more. When I was tired of going home to an empty house every night, when I was..."
"I never expected you would be celibate for five years, Jack."
"I wasn't." The room got very quiet. "A man has, ah, needs, you know. And I'm not, ah, *that* old and decrepit. Everything still works, you know." I reached over and patted her well rounded belly.
Sara sighed. "I know."
"But it wasn't the same, it was never the same as what you and I had. I did, you know, ah, with a couple of other women, yeah, but nothing that lasted, or ever would have." I pushed the memories of Laira and Edora out of my head, because I'd only done what I'd done there because I'd thought I'd never see home or Earth or anyone I knew or cared about again. It had been a thing born of desperate loneliness and need.
"Jack, it's okay. We were divorced then."
"Yeah, well..."
"It's not easy to think of you with someone else, but if there was someone there, someone who gave you comfort when I couldn't, then that's okay." I felt her fingers slide up along my arm. "I dated, had a couple of short term relationships, but nothing ever felt right. I guess I never quit missing you and what we had."
I ordered myself to ignore those pangs of jealousy imagining her with someone else. "We were the greatest," I tried to make the tone light.
"We were." She snuggled in against me. "We won't be the same, you know that."
I sighed. "I know." I bit back the smartass remark, the 'we're not getting older, we're getting better' cliche, because I knew this wasn't the time and place for anything but flat out serious talk. I had to prove to Sara that I'd changed as much as I had to prove it to myself. "No, not the same. We've changed too much. But the most important thing is still the same, that we need each other."
"I was never whole without you."
Sara always could put things into words, things I couldn't say, things I felt but didn't understand until she named them for me, this woman who filled my heart and soul the way no one else ever could. "Two halves of a whole," I said, remembering how she'd once described us.
I think that pleased her, that I remembered. "Yes."
"Better together than apart."
"Yes." She paused. "But you never finished answering my question." Sara never would let me get away with easy answers. Tougher than any commanding officer I'd ever dealt with.
"Carter and I were really close to, well, making one hell of a big mistake. But I was her CO, and we didn't, and then, well, things changed and we never did, and in the end we were both pretty glad. It would have been a great way to ruin a great friendship."
"Do you regret it" That you never did..."
"No. Not now. At the time, yeah, I cursed the regs more than a few times. But looking back, I know the regs were just our excuse. If we'd both really wanted to, ah, get horizontal, Air Force rules wouldn't have stopped us. We'd have found a way around them. But we didn't. I think we always knew it wasn't meant to be. Some things aren't. Other things are." I kissed the top of her head where it rested against my chest. "This is where I belong. This is where I've always belonged, with you. It just took me a long time to figure that out, that what I'd been looking for was here all along, right in front of me. My heart was always here with you and it will always be here with you."
I felt Sara's soft sigh. "For a man who hates to talk about his feelings, Jack O'Neill, you do a pretty damn good job of sweet talking a girl."
"Ah, 'tis the blessing and the bane of the Irish. That's how I got you to marry me the first time."
"And the second."
*****
We kept the wedding small. There wasn't much time to plan it, and neither one of us wanted any big thing. It was, after all, the second time around for us, and we just wanted to share it with the people who meant the most to us. Of course, my idea of no big thing wasn't exactly Sara's idea of a no big thing, so it ended up a much grander affair than I'd expected.
Honest to God, I think I was more nervous the second time around than the first. Nearly strangled myself with my tie, couldn't tie my shoe laces because my hands were shaking too much, and cut myself shaving.
Daniel will never let me live it down. We stood in the back of the little chapel at the Academy as the guests filed in; well, he stood, I paced.
"O'Neill, is this pacing and humming part of the wedding ritual"" inquired the Jaffa.
"Humming" I don't hum."
"You were humming, Jack," Daniel insisted, his face lit up with a small grin. He was enjoying watching me sweat. I have never thought the good old USAF Class A uniform was exactly comfortable, but that afternoon it was damn near torture. I loosened the collar, undid the buttons on the jacket, buffed my shoes for the 12th time and brushed imaginary specks of lint off my shoulder. "What *is* taking so long"" I growled. Glancing up at the clock, I couldn't believe it was still running, because I'd have sworn the damn thing hadn't moved at all.
"There are still 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour, Jack." Daniel reminded me, trying to be helpful.
"Right." So I paced some more and worried. "Maybe I should go check on Sara," I suggested reaching for the door.
"Ah, no, Jack," Hammond blocked my way. "It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the ceremony."
"Right. Bad luck. Don't need that." Paced again, Teal'c following along behind me, hands clasped behind his back, mirroring my steps. Finally, I stopped. "Teal'c, what are you doing""
"Is it not customary for the groom's men to follow him during his preparation for the joining ceremony""
"Ah, yes, but you don't have to *copy* every move I make, Teal'c."
He nodded. "It appears I do not understand the mating rituals of the Tau'ri."
"Neither do I, Teal'c, neither do I," I mumbled, looking out at the crowd in the church. Small wedding, Hummmph. That's what she'd said, small wedding. Hell, there were lots of people out there, tens, dozens, probably hundreds. "Who are all those people"" I muttered.
Daniel was enjoying my discomfort, that much I remember distinctly. "There are only about 40 people out there, Jack. Sara's friends. Your friends."
I stopped pacing, sitting on the edge of a desk. "Geez. Seems like a lot more."
A hand reached out and touched my shoulder. Daniel. "Jack, you'll live through this. I promise."
"Is the wedding ritual so dangerous then"" asked Teal'c innocently.
"I'd rather face the Goa'uld," I muttered in answer.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "On Chulak, the most dangerous thing at the ceremony is the father of the bride. If the groom's wedding gift does not please the father, the 'groom' may be disemboweled."
"Disemboweled"" Oh, that was just the perfect image to make me less nervous.
"What gift did you give"" Daniel, ever curious, asked.
"The preserved head of an enemy Jaffa, the first one I had ever killed in battle. To hang over his doorpost. As a warder against evil."
I swallowed. "Remind me never to attend a Jaffa wedding, will you"" I got up and paced some more.
Finally, after I'd all but worn out my shoes, 1300 arrived. I heard the music start. My heart was thumping so loudly I'd thought I was having a heart attack,and I had to take a quick deep breath to steady myself. God, now that the time was here, I couldn't move. I couldn't set foot outside the door.
"Jack..."
I looked at Daniel in utter terror.
"Jack, come on. It's just a wedding."
"Easy for you to say," I mumbled at him. "Wait until I come to yours."
He grinned and pushed me out of the room and toward the front of the church. There was a sea of faces looking back at the three of us. Here and there I saw one I knew: Doc, Cassie, Sam and Jacob, Katherine and Ernest, even Sgt. Siler.
And then the music started and I forgot all about anyone but my bride. She wasn't dressed in white but she was the most beautiful bride I'd ever seen. Sara was radiant, glowing, I think there was some part of that which was simply the expectant mother thing. One hand rested lightly on General Hammond's arm as he escorted her to my side. With a smile, he took Sara's hand and placed it in mine. "Good luck, son," he whispered and stepped aside.
The minister's words passed in a blur, and then we were exchanging rings, Daniel handing us the plain gold bands we'd both kept, still symbols of our love for each other.
"You may now kiss the bride," the pastor said.
I turned to Sara. "My favorite part of every wedding ceremony," I smirked, and she laughed. We kissed and then the music was playing again, and we were walking out the door. Doc was crying and I think Sam was too, and General Hammond looked like the proud dad, Danny like the eager little brother and Teal'c, well, Teal'c looked, well, like Teal'c always does. Serene. But I saw a bit of a smile here and there. I think even he was happy for us.
The reception was in my backyard. We toasted each other with sparkling water, smeared cake on each other's faces, laughed and danced and never stopped holding hands.
*****
After the wedding, we settled in to our new life together. If Sara was tired of her newly recycled husband underfoot 24-hours a day, she never complained, bless her. She cut back her work to part time, and I spent weeks preparing the nursery in our new place. We'd decided to buy a new house out in the country, and put both of our places up for sale. Not an easy decision, but we were both determined to start over.
The first step of that meant letting go. It was hard, for both of us. I took her hand and we walked into Charlie's room. Neither one of us knew were to start.
Finally, I picked up a box and walked over to the toybox. I opened the lid, and picked up a football, a Denver Broncos football, with the old logo. I held it in my hand, and I could feel his small hands next to mine. A single tear leaked down my cheek. Damn it, this wasn't working. How was I going to help Sara through this when I couldn't even hold back my own tears" And then I looked across the room to where she was sitting, crying too. So I slid the toychest across the floor.
One by one we picked up each toy, moving it from the toychest into the cardboard box we were going to take to the homeless shelter. We kept a few things we thought his little brother or sister might want, but we soon filled the first box and the second.
Carefully I took each picture down from the wall, removed each item out of the closet and dresser drawers, and lifted every book off the shelf. God, it was hard. We cried together, but we laughed, too, and talked about our first child and how much he'd meant to us and how much we missed him. It was, I suddenly realized, what we should have done years ago, the last bit of healing that needed to be done, this letting go. We'd never been able to do that before. Maybe it had taken this long for us to be ready for this day, to examine each bit of his life, to keep the most precious reminders and let go of the rest.
Finally, we were sitting on the bed, the room bare, and she leaned against me and sobbed quietly. I held her and I'm not ashamed to say, cried with her.
We donated most of his things to charity, kept a few special items for ourselves, and afterward, sleepless, exhausted and sad, hugged each other long into the night.
-----------------
Two days later, we went together to the doctor for the ultrasound. We looked so out of place in the waiting room, surrounded by all those so very young couples. Finally it was our turn to go in. I held Sara's hand as the doctor talked quietly to us.
"Mr and Mrs. O'Neill""
"Jack and Sara," I countered, shaking her hand.
She nodded. I think she was younger than me. "I'm Dr. Levaris." She was glancing through Sara's medical records. "Your records indicate you are three months along, Mrs. O'Neill, and you haven't had any problems. Correct" "
"I've been feeling great, actually, " Sara smiled.
Dr. Levaris looked at us over her glasses. "I see you've been getting regular pre-natal care. Good. I can't stress the importance of that enough, and of the need to take care of yourself. This is a high risk pregnancy, for both you and the baby, due to your age and your previous history of difficulty in carrying a fetus to term."
I swallowed, nodded, clasped Sara's hand tighter. "We'll be just fine."
Raising her eyes from the chart again, the doctor looked over at me. "I'm sure you will. Many couples your age have successful pregnancies, but we do want to take every precaution. So, then, let's get that first ultrasound, shall we" See the first picture of your little one""
Sara was prepped and we were left to wait a long time before Dr. Levaris returned.
I held my wife's hand firmly in my own and leaned forward to kiss her. The doctor spread gel-like goop over Sara's swollen belly and moved a little gizmo around on her stomach. Odd, fuzzy pictures appeared on the nearby TV monitor.
"Hmmm."
My alarm meter went immediately into high gear. Doctor's saying 'hmmm' have never meant good things in my life. Oh God, after everything, after Thor's promise and this whole miracle please God there can't be something wrong.
Sara's eyes were huge, staring into mine. I tried to give her a reassuring look. "Doctor""
"Umm, well, this is a bit of a surprise." She didn't sound worried, thank God.
I was studying the hazy black and white images on the monitor, and not understanding a thing.
"Surprise""
"Yes," she looked across at me. "Mr. O'Neill..."
"Jack..."
"Maybe you ought to be sitting down."
"What""
"Sit, please. Mr...Jack"
I sat. The doctor smiled.
"So what is it, Doc" Girl" Boy" Puppy"" I asked, trying to break the tension.
Sara giggled nervously. I somehow refrained.
"It's a girl."
I turned to Sara in triumph. "See, I told you."
"And a boy."
"What""
"Twins," the doctor beamed.
"Twins"" Sara let her head fall back on the bed, but she was smiling. "You're sure" Twins""
"Oh yes, definitely." The doctor pointed out shadowy lines on the monitor. "There and there, two heartbeats, two heads, two sets of arms and legs. Definitely twins."
"Oh God," said Sara.
"Ahh, Thor actually," I muttered.
Sara looked at me and we laughed. Damn that Thor, he's one alien who knows how to carry through on a promise.
------------------------------
Six months later, I was there in the delivery room when my children came into the world.
We'd been enjoying a quiet dinner when suddenly Sara, who'd been pushing her food around the plate and not eating it, looked up at me.
"I think it's time."
"Time for what"" I asked, always full of clever questions.
"For a trip to the hospital," she said with a grimace, followed by a smile. "I've been having contractions all afternoon."
"For crying out loud, Sara, why didn't you say something""
"I didn't want it to be another false alarm. Like last week," she looked so serene and calm. Good thing she was, because I sure wasn't.
*****
"Jack this is all your fault."
"Yes, I know it is."
"Damn you, Jack."
"Yes, Sara."
"Jack... please."
"Sara, breathe."
*****
Sara screamed.
I was holding my breath, not even aware I wasn't breathing until I felt my chest starting to ache. And then I heard the sweetest sound in the whole world, the sound of my child's cry. A nurse handed her to me. My daughter, our daughter.
God, she was so tiny, so perfect and tiny, all pink and squalling like a banshee, but I didn't care. I think I was crying louder than she was. I moved up toward Sara's head so she could see the baby. "Here she is," I smiled through the tears that coursed down my cheeks. "She's perfect, she's perfect, Sara," and then I was bawling so hard I couldn't say another word.
I didn't know if the tears on Sara's cheeks were tears of joy or pain, both I imagine, but it didn't matter. I kissed her, her skin tasting salty and sweaty.
The nurse took my daughter out of my arms, and I was back coaching Sara, and then the second baby was born. The doctors and nurses were smiling all around and someone handed me another crying child-- my son, wailing his protest at this bright, cold world.
I was smiling and crying and trying to talk to Sara and coo to the babies, and then all of a sudden it hit me. I was a father again. All that responsibility. I'd never felt that much responsibility when I'd had the fate of the whole damn planet on my shoulders, when I negotiated with the Goa'uld and fought alongside the Asgard and nearly got sucked into that blackhole. That was nothing, nothing compared to this, to knowing these two tiny miracles were entrusted into my care, that I was their father.
I was grateful and humble and stunned and I knew I didn't deserve the miracle, wasn't worthy of the trust their existence placed on me. I vowed to each of them as I held them, that I would protect them every day of my life.
------------
The christening was the last gathering of SG-1 and the SGC team, all those who had once been my only family. Daniel stood as godfather for his namesake, of course, Daniel Jonathan O'Neill, along with Teal'c; and General Hammond and soon to be Col. Carter were godparents for their namesake as well, Georgia Samantha O'Neill.
So of course, they're spoiled rotten. That's what happens when they've got a full-time dad. I'd missed out on way too much of Charlie's childhood, put Sara through too much worry and fear, and this time by God I was going to get it right. I do a little consulting for the Stargate program, I think they just want to have me around in case Thor returns, because for whatever reason the Asgard seem to like me; I give a few lectures at the Air Force Academy; do a little carpentry work; and mostly, I'm a dad, something I'd thought I'd never get a chance to be again.
The General and I get together to have a beer on occasion, a couple of old retired military guys shooting the bull about the good old days. I tell him all about the kids. He laughs and calls me Son, and I remember how much I owe him, for luring me back to the Air Force, bringing me into the SGC and all it meant to me and to Earth.
George and I had a long conversation about the whole thing, right before he retired. Daniel was already living on Abydos, happy back among his adopted people, still deciphering that golden room full of ancient Egyptian images. There's a woman there I think he'll marry, maybe raise a couple little archaeologists of his own. Sam was getting the recognition she deserved for her talents; the glowing recommendations Hammond and I had given her hadn't hurt her career, either. Bet she ends up running the SGC some day. She deserves it. Teal'c has become the liaison between Chulak and Earth and as such visits us now and again. It's always good to see him. Janet will probably end up as the Surgeon General. She's been transferred to Washington D.C. where she takes care of the president and a whole herd of government big wigs. It's more prestigious than the SGC, but like she told me once, never as exciting. Although, she'd admitted, things had sure calmed down in her infirmary when SG-1 stood down for the last time.
Sometimes at night, I still can't sleep. It's not because of the nightmares, I don't get those anymore, but because I feel so good. I slip out from Sara's embrace and go to the nursery, and just sit and stare at those little miracles.
Oh, it's not all perfect, true. Being parents again at our age isn't easy, I'm already dreading the terrible twos, but we'll manage. The O'Neill twins, even if they are just like Dad, can't be any more trouble than the Goa'uld were, can they"
It's funny. I take the kids out to the park, to the grocery store, everyone asks me if they're my grandchildren and I laugh. I'm not offended. Despite the gray hair, well, nowadays it's almost white, I feel young, younger than I have for many years. I've got a lot of accumulated aches and pains from the work I did but they don't matter. The part of me that was shattered for so long is whole once more. Oh, no, I, we, haven't forgotten Charlie, and we never will. The ache is still there, in my heart, when I think of my first born son, but the pain is bearable now, for me and for Sara.
It was Dickens, wasn't it, who wrote, in a Tale of Two Cities, that 'it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.' He was close to getting it right. I survived the worst of times, and now, for me and for Sara, it's the best of times.
I'm going to teach my kids about the stars, and about life and about love. I am going to guard them and protect them and cherish them above all else. I truly believe that this is what Thor meant, back that very first time I met him, after I looked into that alien memory storage thing and ended up going to the Asgard home planet. When I came home after meeting the Asgard, and I told Daniel that we were going to be all right with that meaning of life stuff, see, I think it had already started then, my journey from who I was then to who I am now.
Life changes us, often in unexpected ways.
It's odd how my life has been tied to the Stargate. When I first stepped through it, I was a different person, lost in the darkness of my own soul, damned and alone, uncaring and ready to die. When I finished my Stargate missions, I was a man blessed by friends and family, a man who had regained his soul and had everything to live for. Now, now I'm just Jack O'Neill, USAF retired. Husband. Father. Luckiest man in the universe.
X*X*X*X*X
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