Not What You Say

TITLE: Not What You Say
AUTHOR: Anthony C Docimo and Jan Monroe
EMAIL: Keenir@hotmail.com & Jmonroe@luna.cas.usf.edu
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack
SPOILERS: Vague hint of SETH and EMANCIPATION
SEASON / SEQUEL:
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: None
SUMMARY: Response to a challenge: Jack and Sam try to explain how they returned to earth "Married."
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:

"Welc- SG-1, what happened?" Hammond asked as the team came through to the Earth side of the Stargate.

"Oh, nothing much," Daniel Jackson said. Only it came out as "oph, mummthm mph."

"Dr Jackson, why're you wearing those things around your mouth?"

"May I, sir?" Jack asked. "Slave," he said to Daniel, only half joking, "You can take it out...we're home free."

"Mmph-ac," Daniel coughed, taking the scarf out of his mouth.

"De-briefing right away sound okay, General?"

"Agreed. Follow me."

**

"So, you're saying that - what? That Dr Jackson's translation got you in trouble?" Hammond asked, trying to understand it.

"No sir," Jack answered. By now, him and Sam's wrists were no longer tied together. "Daniel translated it right...it was a matter of interpretation, unfortunately."

"Why's that? We've always been understood before."

"Sir, on most worlds we've been to, me being the senior officer, and Carter being the only woman on the team....most worlds didn't automatically assume that, therefore, Sam was my wife....Or that Teal'C and Daniel're my servants."

"I'm just glad they didn't make _sure_ we were eunuchs!" Daniel put in.

"As am I," Teal'C agreed.

***FLASHBACK:

Seventeen Hours Earlier, Upon Entering P4Y882:

First thing Jack O'Neill did, apart from taking a breath after coming through the wormhole, was to feel the stumble growing in his chin. "I _had_ to volunteer to help field-train SG10, didn't I?" he grumbled. Daniel meanwhile, was clean-shaven, as ever.

As they looked down the terraced hill from the Stargate platform, they saw several houses that Daniel said looked to be of Greek influence in their design. Each house sat alone on a separate raised plot of land; alone, but for a small garden next to the house.

"Daniel," Jack said, "Any particular reason these're here?" pointing to the gold-topped canoes which were tied to posts at the top of their terrace.

"Well, they could be ceremonial, or maybe a tithing to somebody-"

"Goa'uld?"

"That's one possibility," he agreed.

"Perhaps they are functional," Teal'C said, watching the elevated nature of the houses.

**

It took a few minutes, but they all agreed that - in order to find out anything about this land - they'd have to leave the Stargate's terrace.

They'd now been walking for almost a minute towards the nearest of the elevated houses, hoping that they could learn _something_ about this place from them.

Upon later reflection, Teal'C would realize that they hadn't heard the hoofbeats sooner, due to the type of soil that was so prevalent here.

"Destination?" asked the man on horseback. As he pulled up to the SG team, he leaned over, touching each man's chin. When he reached O'Neill, he bowed, as much as one can do from horseback to a man on foot.

His stirrups were leather, but that didn't necessarily mean that these people were metal-poor. "May I assist you?" he repeated, to Jack.

"Sure. You know a nice place we can rest for the night?" since the yellow-orange sun was setting now.

He bowed. "Of course.

"You are from the Far Lands past the mountains?" their guide asked after they were almost at one of the elevated houses.

"Far away, yeah," Jack agreed.

When they got to the house, their guide - Hasb, he introduced himself - got off, and tied his horse to a vertical post. He then led the team up a ladder.

**

"Where's the rest of our team?" Sam asked, after the woman of the house had seen to Sam and Jack being seated on low chairs before the table. House servants brought out a plateful of small meat cubes, and five cups of opaque drink - one for each person at the table.

After they'd gotten up the ladder - an easily defensible position of entry and exit, O'Neill'd realized after looking at the receiving end of a crossbow - they were promptly split into two groups. Jack and Sam were to go with Hasb, while the crossbow-holder took Daniel and Teal'C around to another side of the house.

"They are eating with our servants," Aislah - the owner's wife - answered.

The drink, Jack found out, was heavily sugared water.

It was three minutes of relative silence, other than chewing the cubes, and sipping the water, before Varkeb - the house owner - spoke. He spoke directly to O'Neill, as though they were equals.

"One of your servants wears the mark of a jaffa. Such has not been seen in these lands for many tens of years."

"He is a jaffa," O'Neill replied evenly. Eyebrows shot up, clearly impressed.

"Would you consider selling him?"

"Nope."

"Why? He is, after all, only a eunuch."

"Would you excuse me?" Jack asked, then got up and tracked down Daniel and Teal'C. He could just see the guys response to this information. Keeping a low profile had never seemed so appropriate...in more ways than one.

**

"Now _this_ is awkward," Jack said.

Night had fallen half an hour ago, going from a sunset to pitch black outside with frightening rapidity. Right now, Daniel and Teal'C were sleeping on guest cots with the other servants.

Him and Sam, on the other hand, had a room all their own. Not particularly big though. But it was enough for two people.

There was only one bed, or a fancy cot, depending upon your perspective. They'd been sitting on opposite ends for a while now, utterly silent, musing over their situation.

"I'll take the floor, sir," Carter volunteered.

"You insist, Major," Jack said, and began to lean back on the bed-cot.

Sam glared at him. "Aren't you going to contest it?"

"You kidding? I've got about a dozen reasons not to!"

"Such as?" she asked, standing up, crossing her arms. Jack O'Neill began to wonder if Sara Carver - his ex-wife - was any relation to Samantha Carter. The pose adopted was mind-bogglingly similar.

Despite this - or perhaps because of it - Jack began to tick off on his fingers, "One, you said it first. Two, you keep saying you're just as tough as the rest of the team - even though it's hard to be as tough as Teal'C. And..."

" 'and' what?"

"It's cold! Or -

"Or are you going to toss me down a blanket?"

"Actually, I was thinking about sharing, but if you want to sleep on the floor, I won't stop you," O'Neill snickered.

"The floor," Sam laid down her gear and pulled out her sleeping bag. She knew that she should let it go. She had lost the argument but she could not just let him win. She noticed that Jack was almost asleep, now was the time. "Sir, when we were trapped in the Antarctic, I always wondered why a man would wear a side

arm so close to his most...delicate...equipment."

"Carter, one more word out of you and I'll tell the General that you volunteered for the new arctic survival training," Jack growled. He didn't like her implication. The biggest problem... she was right. It wasn't his side arm that her leg had been rubbing against most of that night...not that he was complaining any. It had certainly keep his warmed. That was one of his only warm memories of that mission. He knew that morning would come too soon and thought like those were not conducive to a good nights sleep. He heard a faint giggle but refused to respond, instead he rolled over and turn his back to her. He didn't want her to get even a hint that her comments had caused a physical reaction in his 'delicate equipment.'

Daniel and Teal'C found that the morning had came much sooner for them than for Jack and Sam. The kitchen slaves were up two hours before dawn. The room went from relative quiet to a noisy work room and the unusual sounds awoke both Daniel and Teal'C.

Daniel's curiosity was in full swing. He watched the workers and started asking questions. He reminded Teal'C of a very small child who's only words were "yes," "NO," and "why." At times watching Danieljackson was like watching a child, the similarities went much farther than the vocabulary and included a disregard for safety when interested in any objective and the ability to shut out anything that didn't interest him.

The slaves laughed and continued working. The overseer came in while Daniel was on one of his tangents.

"What is that spice?... What does it do?... Can I have a sample?" Daniel asked barely got the last question out before he was grabbed from the rear by the overseer.

"You are interrupting their work," the overseer stated as he held Daniel off the floor.

"I didn't mean any harm. I was just curious," Daniel explained as his feet swung freely over the floor.

Teal'C watched the exchange but did not attempt to rescue Daniel from the overseer. O'Neill had been specific "stay out of trouble." Those instructions appeared to be too difficult for Jackson. He had managed to find trouble again.

The overseer was not appeased, "One more word out of you and I'll gag you."

"What?" Daniel asked, not sure that he had understood the overseer correctly. He abruptly found himself face down on the floor with a scarf being stuffed into his mouth. "Llllccc"

Teal'C watched the overseers actions but refrained from commenting. Daniel was not hurt and this would keep him from causing more trouble. Teal'C also thought that O'Neill would approve, having threatened to gag Daniel on several occasions.

Meanwhile:

O'Neill had awakened early but was still in bed, planning out his day. He thought about getting out of bed but Sam was still sleeping and he was enjoying the view. She looked so young in sleep. At times like this she seemed all of 17.

He heard a noise from the doorway. Someone had knocked on the door and O'Neill thought that it was Teal'C or Daniel, and called, "Enter."

He was surprised to see his hostess standing in the doorway, "Did you have to divorce her here?"

"What?" O'Neill didn't know why this woman thought he was married to Sam and how did he divorce a woman that he wasn't even married to.

"You made he sleep on the floor, that is the customary divorce action." She stated this as if O'Neill was stupid for not knowing the marriage laws. She turned quickly and left before he could explain or cover their mistake.

"CARTER!" he yelled at her. He reached down and gently shook her awake. "We have a problem."

She yawned, and blinked at him, not yet awake enough to speak. "W't?"

"According to our hostess, we are now divorced," He didn't know just how much trouble they were in but the look on her face was priceless. It was a mixture of confusion, horror, anger with a hint of hurt. He didn't want to know where the hurt came from but he totally understood all the others.

"Would you care to explain exactly what is going on?" Sam asked. She had slept through the interesting part.

O'Neill's explanation was short and simple consisting of only the facts. He didn't include how this was effecting him. After the shock, he found that the idea of being married to Sam wasn't so bad. This wasn't the first time they had been paired like this and he was getting used to the idea.

"What does this mean?" she asked thinking of all the teasing she would get from Daniel. He tended to remind her of a little brother, always following, getting into trouble, and teasing her.

"I have no idea but this world has been interesting to say the least," O'Neill finished gathering his gear and left Carter alone to get ready for the day.

O'Neill picked the best spot that he could find and stood guard duty at the door. He didn't know all the complications this "divorce" would cause. For a seemingly nice, friendly world, this was getting really complicated--fast. This mission had gone from okay to strange. The team was split. He trusted Teal'C to keep Daniel alive . . . but keeping Daniel out of trouble was almost impossible.

Jack didn't have to wait long. His host approached him at his post. "How much do you want for your slave?"

"I'm not going to sell the guys," Jack stated firmly.

"No, I want your old wife. After all, you don't want her any more," his host stated.

Jack quickly realized that he had to claim Carter if he was going to get her off this planet. "I was punishing her last night. She said something that I didn't like so I made he sleep on the floor. I'll let her beg for my forgiveness before nightfall. Then she can sleep with me tonight."

"Without marriage? Do you wish to being down the wrath of the gods upon us?"

Jack was caught, "According to our laws, I am responsible for her. I can't sell her. I can't leave her behind and I can't do anything to her without her permission. Our laws give women many rights. Sleeping on the floor was the worst punishment I could give her."

"Then you are divorced."

"NO!" Jack almost yelled. He wished that the word 'divorce' wouldn't keep coming up. "As soon as we can, we'll leave. Then this won't concern you anymore."

"I can't let you take an unmarried woman from this house. It will anger the GODS!"

"I need my slaves. I will tell you of my decision after we eat," Jack was buying time and hopefully some advice from Daniel on how to get out of this mess.

Their host left and Daniel and Teal'C appeared soon after. Jack did a double take when he saw Daniel gag. He had wanted to do that so many times in the past that seeing it was a joy. He started laughing and the more he laughed, the more Daniel blushed. Sam heard the noise in the hall and opened the door. She was slightly dazed by scene before her. Jack finally calmed down and ushered all of them into the room.

After the door was closed, he started, "Daniel, you can take off the gag...for now. We have a problem."

Jack told the entire story. He left out the conversation about 'delicate equipment' but told everything else. "Now camper, what are our options?"

Daniel had not laughed out right but had a smirk on his face. "You are never going to get them to understand. As I see it, you have one option...get re-'married'."

Teal'C just nodded.

"We can't get married! Do you know what that could do to our careers?" Jack practically yelled.

"Jack, the only way that we are getting out of here in one piece is for you two to get married. Personally, I know which bed I'm in in the infirmary by the ceiling tiling. I don't want to wake up there any more." Daniel didn't know why Jack was being so bullheaded about this. It wasn't like he as suggesting that him and Sam have kids and do all the happily ever after stuff. This was just an expedient way out to this mess.

"Teal'C, why was Daniel gaged?" jack asked, trying to put some distance between him and marriage question.

"He asked too many questions," was Teal'C's simplistic answer. "The overseer later stated he wanted to cut out his tongue but since Daniel was not a household slave he was simply gagged."

"Nice of him," Jack's sarcasm wasn't up to his normal level.

Sam finally stirred herself to join the conversation. "Two options. One lets us go home with good diplomatic relations with this planet. The second has us running for our lives, hoping and praying that everyone lives. I'll take the first."

As proposals went, this was not how she had envisioned it. She had thought it would be the guy asking, them alone with a session of heavy breathing to follow. But here she was, do the asking and the guy she was asking wasn't madly in love with her and was trying to find ways out of it.

"So, I tell our host that we are going to remarry and leave right after. We do the ceremony and we run," O'Neill wasn't happy with the situation but couldn't think of a way out. Daniel stoop up and started for the door, "Hold it, Didn't you forget something?" Jack asked as he held up Daniel's gag.

"Do I have to wear it? Couldn't you just say that you don't use gags?" Daniel was trying every trick that he knew to avoid the gag again.

"I told them I was punishing Carter and now we are going to get married. Personally I think your options are the gag or having your tongue cut out. Which do you want?" Jack had definitely lost his sense of humor.

"Gag."

Teal'C didn't comment on the events but looked at the other team members with twinkling eyes. These humans could get in to so much trouble with so little effort.

Events moved rapidly from there. The wedding was set up. The major and the colonel stood before the high priestess of the village. This planet's version of the wedding rings was a knotted cord. The priestess tied the knot and they were officially married.

Teal'C and Daniel had all the gear stashed close by so they could go quickly but calmly to the gate. They made their goodbys and hoped that their host didn't try to keep one of the slaves.

Jack was never so glad to see the gate. This mission was going to take lots of explaining.

~~~~

In The Briefing Room:

Daniel had only one finial question. It was one that he knew would cause Jack to explode, but he asked anyway, "General, are they legally married?"

The general's reaction was shock so Daniel want on, "SGC and the military acknowledged my marriage to Sha're even thought it happened off world. If we continue this then Jack and Sam are legally married."

Jack and Sam looked at each other, then to Daniel and the general. Daniel and his big mouth had just made their lives a whole lot more interesting.

The general finally spoke, "I don't know, son. I'll have to contact the lawyers and ask. Dismissed."

SG1 left the room and as they were walking down the halls jack whispered to Sam, "You know, until this mess is figured out, you have exclusive rights to that delicate equipment we were discussing."

"What makes you think that I would be interested in that equipment?" Sam flirted.

"Since you were so interested in discussing it last night, I thought that you might want to make a personal inspection later tonight, say after dinner at my place."

As a dinner invitation it left much to be desired but the personal inspection was tempting. "Won't we be violating some regulation?"

"We are officially in limbo. I see this as a 'don't-ask' situation. Besides don't you want a wedding night?" Jack asked, trying to tempt as well as soothe fears at the same time.

"Your place, 19 hundred hours?"