Ghost Story
Ghost Story
by Annika
Title: Ghost Story
Author: Annika
Email: annika_rj@yahoo.com
Category: Drama, Romance
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Season: any
Holiday: Christmas
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: character death
Status: Completed
Summary: Jack regrets a mistake he made a year ago.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
Author's notes: This one is the product of my listening too much to Toad the Wet Sprocket, and it goes out to Mona: Happy B-Day Mona!
Another winter comes his icy fingers creep
Into these bones of mine these memories never sleep
And all these differences, a cloak I borrow
We kept our distances, why should it follow
I must have loved you?
Ghost Story
It was snowing outside. It was snowing big, white fluffy snowflakes. They landed on the already settled snow, adding another layer to the hardened white mass, then floated toward the cars, and the people passing by his car.
He was cold, so he turned on the heating; after two hours, he still couldn't bring himself to go into the house. Not while she was there. He took out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, and started looking at them thoughtfully. She didn't like his new habit. She didn't like a great many things about his life. But then again, she hadn't been here before. She didn't know. And besides, it was not a new habit at all. He had stopped. He looked at the pack again. He stopped in part because of her, he took it up again because of her, and now he's going to stop because of her. It was ironic, he thought, then he threw the pack outside, in the white snow. He looked at the house hoping it would change something. It didn't. She didn't go away. She wouldn't. Not because she wanted to stay, but because she couldn't leave, she had no place to go. Damn... it was not her fault, it had been his, all his. Was she punishing him?
He loved her he realized all of a sudden. But he couldn't be near her. He couldn't stand her sitting by the window for hours, curling up on the couch while they watched TV, and refusing to eat. He couldn't see her hanging her head while he talked with her, and looking into her big and empty eyes. She was so different from the woman he knew, yet, she was the same. But then again he was sure she wasn't. Her face had changed, she was thinner, sadder. Her hair was longer, shoulder length, and straight. Why couldn't she look the way she used to? It shouldn't have been hard. He missed her short crop. She had looked funny, playful, and approachable. Now she was a doll, appropriate for display.
Christmas was coming, he thought sadly while listening to the carols on the radio. Those old songs always made him feel sad. He had no one - almost no one - to share Christmas with. He had friends, yes, and people whom he knew, but no family. No one. No one since his son... He chased the thought away. She was there, in that house he didn't dare enter. She was there waiting for him. If he looked really carefully he could see her near her window, head propped on the glass, empty eyes staring out at the falling snow. He never found out what exactly she was looking at for hours, each day. Maybe nothing, maybe she was just thinking. But about what? About what happened to her? Why would she do that?
Damn it. It had been his fault, and she was paying him back. She was paying back everything, and the only thing he wondered was whether she even knew she was doing it.
Hundreds, no, thousands of miles of snow covered ground stretched out ahead them. Teal'c and Daniel were to his right, Carter to his left. The gate has disengaged. They stepped down from the stone platform onto the snow. It was fresh; he could feel it crack under the weight of his boots. He signaled the team to move ahead. They were supposed to find some naquadah by sundown. The Tok'ra had told them they might find some on this planet, so they came. He didn't particularly trust the Tok'ra, but they seemed to be right this time around. After only a couple of yards Carter reported she'd found something.
The planet seemed to be barren. No one, and nothing, could possibly survive in that perpetual winter. Someone probably placed the Gate here because of the naquadah supply, but no one settled down. It would have been suicide. He looked across the plains. Mountains could be seen far way, also covered by snow, and something that looked like a forest of trees with really thick barks. Maybe wildlife, he thought turning back to Carter who was still fiddling with some Tok'ra gadgets around the area she got the readings from.
"It's too damn frozen to do anything sir" she called out, slightly upset. She had been looking forward to working more with naquadah reactors, and this had been her one big chance. "I think we could do it, but we'd need a mining crew over, and we definitely need to come back during the summer."
"So there's a summer on this planet after all?" asked Daniel looking around with a displeased look on his face. It was clear he didn't like the place very much and would rather gate back to sip his warm cup of coffee in his warm office.
"Indeed; there must be summer," announced Teal'c leaning on his staff weapon. His short but insightful comments always amused him. Teal'c had a sense of humor, he just didn't know it.
"I guess it gets somewhat warmer. Like the Antarctic..." trailed off Carter looking him straight in the eyes. He remembered. It has been so damn cold. But she had been there to help him. He chased the images away.
"Okay kids... So I guess we're heading back and report. I bet the General will keep this place in mind. We can always send another team back later. I gather the thing won't go anywhere."
Daniel sighed. He was happy do be off the planet, to a warmer climate. Summer in Colorado Springs could be fun, he had to admit that, and Daniel knew how to make the best of it. Teal'c picked up his staff weapon and started to move toward the Gate, with big, confident steps. He turned back to look for Carter, to motion her to move back, but she had gone further out.
"I think there's more over here." She called back at him.
"I bet there is, but we ain't gonna get it out now. So let's move out Major."
"Yeah... I'm coming. Just need to check something."
He gave her a nod, then looked around to make sure no dangers lurked around. He saw nothing, so he started his way back toward the Gate. Teal'c and Daniel were waiting for him to give the command to dial out, but he just raised his hands, shook his head, and they knew Carter was up to something, that she'd found something to play with.
They heard a loud thump, then a short cry. It was Carter... something had happened to her. He started running toward the last place he had seen her, but she wasn't anywhere in sight. Daniel and Teal'c were right behind him, screaming at the top of their lungs. There was no answer, not even an echo.
"Carteeeeeeeeeeer!" he cried out again. He could see her trail in the snow, where her small combat boots left their marks. But no Carter, she was nowhere to be found.
"O'Neill!" Teal'c called and he hurried to see what the Jaffa had found.
Teal'c was standing next to a five feet wide crack, looking down into nothingness and darkness. Daniel almost slipped, but he caught him and dragged him back.
"Carteeeeeeeeeeer!" he called down into the abyss, but again, no response came. "Oh my God!" the thought just started to sink in. He had let her wandering all by herself, and now she was gone, somewhere at the bottom of that bottomless pit. "Carteeeeeeeeeeer!"
He looked again at the window he last saw her. She was still there, head pressed against the cold glass. She had taken up the habit of wearing his clothes. She was again wearing his sweat-pants, one of his t-shirts and flannel shits. They were too big for her. They had always been, but now, with her being half the size she used to be, they looked even bigger on her.
Her hand was touching the glass. She was drawing something on it, but he couldn't make out what it was. Did she know he was already home? Did she know just how much he disliked being around her? She must have; or was she just waiting for him, like she did every day. She used to do that a lot. She used to stand there, on front of the window, and wait for him. And when he'd come home she'd ask him how he was, and how was work. She'd say she missed him, then they'd eat. He'd eat. She'd just sit next to him at the table and look at him eating, and say nothing for hours. She slept a lot, so she never bothered him in the late evenings. But sometimes she'd come down from her room and tell him she had a bad dream, and wouldn't go back to bed unless he came with her. He hated what she had become, but there was nothing he could do, except sitting on her bed till she went back to sleep, gently holding her hand. And then she'd fall back into a restless sleep, and not wake up till late in the morning, when he was already gone.
He had been on leave when they called him back at the base for something urgent. He had taken a leave because he knew they would start sending out teams to fetch the naquadah he and SG1 had found. And he didn't want to be there, to see it again. It had been almost a year now, and a bad one too.
Right after it happened, they sent in people to try and find her. But the crack was too deep, and they never found anything. They looked for almost a week, then the General, heartbroken, called off the search. She couldn't have survived as long in that cold anyway.
That year had been one of the worst of his life. He wasn't discharged from the service. There was a hearing, he, Daniel and Teal'c had to testify. But it led nowhere, although he wished they would discharge him. They established it was not his fault, although he knew better. He shouldn't have let her behind. So he still went to work, he still commanded the SG1. They got someone new. Some new kid fresh from the Academy. She was okay, she was competent. But seeing her everyday reminded him of the woman he'd lost. He'd taken up smoking again. Occasionally he drank, but not much. He had to work; he had to make sure he didn't kill anyone else.
So, almost a year after it happened, they sent people back to get the naquadah she had found and had paid with her life for. Summer had come on the ice-planet. They'd found something that day, and that's why they called him. They had found her backpack almost a half a mile down, and they brought it back to the base. And that's when she came back.
The snow was still falling, heavier than ever, and he lowered the window to have a feel of it. It floated onto his palm, and melted in a couple of seconds. He was warm, his hand was warm. She was still at the window, most probably unaware of his car across the street. He sighed. It was Christmas Eve, and his house wasn't even decorated. It looked sad among all the other houses. He looked across the street. Children were playing outside in the show, although it was already getting dark. They were building a snowman. He smiled, and suddenly decided to go in. She was waiting for him for hours now. He had no right to do that to her. No right to make her suffer more than she already had suffered. He started the engine, and drove the car in the driveway, getting off as fast as he could rushed in the house. She was already up, in front of the door, waiting like she'd always done it. She didn't say a thing, just watched him take his jacket and boots off with hurried movements.
"We're gonna decorate the house Samantha! I've decided we have to do that!" he smiled at her. He couldn't' bring himself to call her Sam. Sam was the woman who fell in the crack, who died on that stupid planet. She was not Sam, not the real Sam, so he called her Samantha, and she didn't seem to mind much. She never minded anything.
"Why?"
"It's Christmas Samantha, it's Christmas!" he didn't know how to explain it to her, he had never thought about it himself. She seemed puzzled now. She had probable seen what his neighbors had done. She must have, she was staring out the window all the time.
"You want to put things on the house, make it look pretty like the rest of the houses, right?" she asked suddenly looking cheerful. Or something close to cheerful; she never laughed before.
"Yes... I want to put things everywhere. And you're going to help me with that." He was already rummaging through his closet for the boxes containing the Christmas decorations. "There it is!"
He pulled one big box after another, and opened them all. She pushed back a couple of feet. She didn't like disorder and he had just made a mess of the whole living room. She wasn't approving. He took out a fluffy red Santa hat and placed it on her head, smiling.
"That's better! Now you look like you're in the Christmas mood."
She looked up at the brim of the hat, and raised her hands to touch it, but felt reluctant to. She finally laid her hands on the big white fluffy pompon at the end of it and smiled back at him.
"It feels like snow! Like freshly laid snow! I like it!"
It had been his biggest victory in two months. She smiled, and she admitted to liking something. She was happy. He smiled again.
"Would you like to go outside into the snow?" She never went out before. She refused to leave the house, even by car. Her face hardened all of a sudden. She looked at him, then out the window again, and touched the soft hat again. She was considering it. She was thinking about it. He moved away slowly, picking up a coat for her, warm woolen mittens. He put his own coat on, and he moved toward her.
"It's okay... really... there are kids outside, they are playing..." he gently placed one of her hands inside the coat as she stared dumbly out the window, then the other. She posed no resistance. He started to button her coat, and then took her small hands and placed them inside the mittens. "There... you're all set."
She looked reluctantly at him and he took her hand starting to walk toward the door. She followed him obediently until he opened the door and there was no barrier, between her and the world. She stopped and dragged him back a couple of feet. She didn't want to go. His face saddened.
"There's nothing to worry about. Really! C'mon Samantha!"
She looked scared, her eyes were almost full of tears, but she stepped out reluctantly into the snow. He could feel her grow tense, even through the thick mittens. But she wasn't going to run.
"It's okay!"
She nodded, and stopped for a couple of seconds. He looked at her carefully, but there was nothing explicit he could make out in her expression. She was staring at the snow, the falling fluffy flakes floating down gently, at the children playing on the front lawn. She seemed changed somehow, he couldn't really tell how.
"I don't think I ever thought about having children before," she said in a low voice staring at the neighbor's three kids trying to put the nose on the snowman. "Somehow, it never before came up. Not with all the work, and the military, and the... the program."
He smiled. It was the first time she ever spoke about her personal like that. It was the first time she sounded like her old self, and not spook woman who took over his house and life two painful months ago.
"Would you like to?" he asked all of a sudden, although the subject was not comfortable to him.
She just smiled and leaned her head on the side, her eyes still on the small children not far away.
"Yes... I guess so. Now that I think about it yes."
He squeezed her hand harder, then pulled her out into the snow. "Would you like to take a walk? For half an hour, not more?"
She nodded slowly, following him. They walked for hours in the falling snow. She seemed happy now. She seemed calm. Something he never saw in her before. He couldn't understand her, but he didn't hate her at all. On the contrary...
The snow kept on falling, and they could see it in the darkness every time they passed a streetlight, or a car drove by. The snowflakes were as big and as fluffy as they were all afternoon, and by now they lay down more than five inches of fresh snow. The houses were all decorated and they could see inside some of them. People were gathering, children were frolicking about dressed in their best clothes, excited about the gifts they will most probably find tomorrow morning under the tree. In one of the houses an old couple, probably the grandparents, were helped by youngsters to something that looked like a Christmas table. They all looked so happy, so pleased, so... full of joy, he envied them. He envied their security and their houses full of laughter. He envied their simple and uncomplicated lives.
"Wouldn't you like to grow old just like them?" she said all of a sudden, then turned away. "Surrounded by a big family, with children and grandchildren, and a dog... I think I'd like a dog."
He smiled.
"I'd like a dog too. We could get a dog if you want to. I'll still have to think about the children though," he laughed at her and she smiled back. He wasn't sure she got his joke. Or maybe it hadn't been a joke after all; sometimes he forgot what she was. "I guess we should go back home now," he said calmly changing the subject and pushing his hands deeper into his pockets. "It's getting colder, and it's late."
She nodded, and followed him back to the house, the only house on the block that had no decorations on.
She didn't speak much afterwards, but he could sense a change in her. She was smiling at him, and she helped him decorate the house. It looked homely now, or at least that's how he felt. He had never decorated the house after... after what had happened with his son, he had never celebrated Christmas like normal people do. He had just gone over to Daniel's and had a drink or two, or showed up occasionally at the Commissary on the base to please the General. This time around it was different. She was there with him, for him and no one else. She came back for him.
She was awkward; she was not exactly the Samantha Carter he used to know, but something... something else... Something strange, someone he knew somehow, but was not right. And yet it was in a strange and twisted way. She was Sam, she was his 2IC, she was that person, yet she wasn't. Somehow he didn't know; he had a spooky feeling around her, but he wasn't sure whether it was because of what he felt, or if it was because of her, because of who she was. Of what she was. He looked up at her while she laid the tablecloth on the table: she was beautiful, still wearing his big baggy clothes, her hair falling over her face, but somehow unreal, untouchable. And all of a sudden he was not afraid of her anymore.
Every feeling of anxiety, hate, or worry has passed. She was there, he was there, and that was all that mattered. She had given him something he had never before gotten: a second shot at making something right, and he cherished that. He was the one who made the two months hellish, not her; she had been there to help him, he realized all of a sudden.
And he felt peace.
It was Christmas morning when the call came in. He was still in bed, and she was sleeping like she always did in the room next to his. It was Daniel who called. At first he thought all he wanted was to wish them a Merry Christmas, but Daniel was upset. Something was wrong with him, something had bothered him. She came in and stopped in the doorway, the phone must have woken her up. Her head was leaning on the door, and she was looking at him strangely.
Daniel was at the Base. They had called him in earlier. Now he and the General wanted him, Jack, to go over as well.
They had found her body.
They had found her body on Christmas Eve.
They had found her body under tons of layers of ice, perfectly preserved after more than a year.
He looked up at her, and said nothing. She knew, he knew, they both new. But no one else did.She smiled, and turning around left the room.
He put the phone back in the hook and followed her, not exactly knowing why. She had known all along. She must have. And, somehow, he had known too. He had been attracted to her, and terrified by her presence at the same time, but now he was happy. Now he knew - he hoped - she was there to stay. He was happy with her around, with someone waiting for him everyday, asking him how his day had been. The fear was gone, and hope had settled in, but now she was leaving him, and that was the reason they had brought up her body now. She had settled whatever she had to settle, whatever she wanted to do, and she had to go, this was not her place anymore.
"Did you came back to punish me? To torment me?" he asked sadly, looking into her empty eyes. Never before did he realize just how empty they were, how lifeless. It wouldn't have been any other way.
She just smiled, looking back at him. "No... that's not why I came..." her eyes were empty, but her voice was still full, and he understood.
She was gone.
He could still hear her laughing in the hall, if he listened carefully in the night, and catch glimpses of her moving about the house with the corner of his eye. He could never be sure whether it was truly her or he was just going mad, but he felt her there. He never said anything to anyone about her being in his house for two months. There was no point in it. No one would understand, and most probably they'd lock him in a small dark place with white padded walls. He knew he wasn't crazy though. The kids, the kids across the street remembered her. They had seen her with him, and at his window waiting. He had asked them. But no one else would understand. No one else saw her, and they would have never understood that he did; that she came back to him.
What she had wanted he never found out. She didn't say. But he guessed it was something she never had, maybe a real life, a house, someone to wait for at home, children. Why she picked him, he knew; he had loved her. Whether he had found it or not, he was unsure, but he knew she had somehow helped him overcome her, and his feelings of guilt and hatred.
We always want what we can't get, he thought, and shrugged throwing the still burning cigarette into the snow. It was winter again; one year had passed since he was last here, at her grave. He could never bring himself to come, although he had thought about it often. Maybe it was because he knew she wasn't really there; or maybe because he had nothing to offer this time.
"Merry Christmas Sam..." he whispered walking away. There were things he had to settle, a house to decorate. It was that time of the year again.
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