Never Letting Go
Never Letting Go
by Meesh
Title: Never Letting Go
Author: Meesh
Email: steps.mna@ntlworld.com
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Episode related: 416 2010
Season: Season 4
Pairing: none, Sam/Jack, Sam/Other
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Summary: Samantha's trust in Joe is shattered but who will be there to help her through. Will the person she loves all along be there when she needs them?
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Never Letting Go
"You knew!?" Sam spat the words at Joe. She was shocked, disappointed. She was in more pain now than earlier when her best friend had to tell her she could never have children. After listening to Joe making excuses for what seemed like an age, Sam pulled her dressing gown off and pulled on a pair of jeans and a blouse. "Where are you going?" Joe questioned her. "I'm going out, and as far as I am concerned its none of your business." Taking a deep breath she removed her wedding ring, she stared at the ring resting in the palm of her hand. How wrong she had been about what that ring meant. She thought it had meant no secrets. That they would love one another for the rest of their lives. She screwed up her face in disgust and threw the ring down on the bed. Joe said nothing as she grabbed her keys and walked out.
She instinctively drove to Janet's. She climbed out the car, her hands were shaking, her face tear stained. She was surprised she hadn't got herself killed on the drive over.
She knocked softly, and after a few short moments Janet opened the door.
"Sam, honey what's wrong?" The concern was plain to see on Janet's face. Sam stepped inside, before collapsing in a fit of tears on Janet's shoulder.
Janet steered her into the living room, setting her down on the sofa. Sam clung to Janet, hugging her close. Janet let Sam cry until she could cry no more before asking what had happened.
"He knew Janet, he knew that the Aschen were going to do this. He pretended he knew nothing about it, when we spent the last 3 years trying. I can't believe he has betrayed me, the whole population like this. It makes me sick to think I loved this man."
Janet had a tear in her eye, "Oh Sam, how could he do this to you?" Sam shook her head, "I really screwed up this time," "Don't you dare say that Sam, its not you who screwed up, the Government should have taken more notice of what the Aschen were doing." "But Janet I was the one who did this, I agreed we should form an alliance," Janet shook her head, "You could never have predicted." Janet paused, unsure of how to say what she was thinking without making it seem like an 'I told you so' "Jack knew that this would happen didn't he?" Sam nodded, brushing her hair back out of her face. "He tried to warn me, but I took it personally. I felt like he was getting me back for what happened when Anise thought we wereZatarc's." "I don't follow, what has Jack's opinion of the Aschen got to do with the Tok'ra?" "Not the Tok'ra, Anise's test specifically. When we admitted how we felt, he wanted something to happen. We said none of it would ever leave the room. But he came to see me that night. He asked me if he retired from the military would we have a future. I told him no. I was wrong. I would have loved him unconditionally. But I couldn't let him give up the Stargate programme for me. And look where we ended up. The human race being wiped out, and me, married to a man I don't even love. Well not any more, maybe I never did. I thought I loved him. But all this time, the feelings between me and Joe, they are nothing compared to what Jack used to make me feel like." Janet pulled Sam close to her as her friends tears returned. "And the thing that gets me, is we can't even send ourselves a message, we haven't got a working GDO, I can't go back to Joe now. I threw my wedding ring back at him before I left. Maybe its selfish of me, the fate of the world is at stake here but there is no way I ever want to be anywhere near him again. I'm not going back to him Janet." Sam's eyes widened in fear, the man she had loved had betrayed her so badly, she was now terrified to return to her home. "Its not selfish Sam." Janet's voice came out as a hoarse whisper. "You don't think?" Sam pulled back, out of Janet's arms and curled into the corner of the sofa. Hugging her knees to her chest. "What's selfish in wanting to be loved? I don't think there is anything selfish in that Sam. You deserved to be with someone who loved you, trusted you, and most of all confided in you." Sam shook her head "Joe tried to use the fact that I had kept the Stargate programme and my job a secret for years against me." "Keeping Government secrets is not the same as keeping a secret which not only will wipe out the human race, but would destroy his partners hopes of having children really is it?" Sam knew that Janet was right, Joe had really messed up this time. She had loved him, or she had believed she had, and this is where she ended up. Never able to have children and alone. Sam felt guilty when she realised the human race was going to die out in around 20 years time, yet all she could think about was Jack. "Janet am I being stupid?" she said out loud. "In what way?"
"In not caring now what happens to earth, to us, for thinking if only I had married Jack instead?" "Oh that. Then no, I think you have just realised that the biggest mistake you ever made was settling for second best." Sam nodded and closed her eyes. This hurt, more than anything else in the world. "You should go see him. Jack deserves to know how you feel." Sam signed and bit her lip, she looked like a frightened school girl. "I'll drive you over there, you can call me when you want picking up." Janet continued, she wasn't asking Sam, she was telling her. Janet got up.
"I don't think it's a good idea."
"What you think doesn't matter, it needs to be said Sam, I'm not having you spend the rest of your life asking 'what if'" Sam sighed, knowing it was futile to even attempt to change Janet's mind. She pulled herself up from the sofa. "Let me at least borrow your bathroom. I look a mess." Janet laughed, as Sam went to freshen up. It was strange, encouraging her best friend, and secret crush of many years that she should be with someone else. But Janet figured that she could never tell Sam the way she felt. Sam had never shown any interest in Janet in that way. Janet's only wish, was to see the woman she loved happy. And if that meant getting her and Jack back together so be it.
Sam sat staring out of the car window, through the sheets of rain at the tiny house in front of her. She bit her thumb anxiously, unsure if she was going to right thing. "Just go Sam, I'm on the other end of the phone if things get too heavy, ok?" Sam nodded and without a word got out. She jogged up the path to Jacks house and stood in the doorway, she was drenched from head to toe from the torrents of rain. She knocked softly on the front door, hoping he wouldn't hear, so she could pretend he was out. She could walk away right now back into the warmth of Janet's car and home. Suddenly a wave of realisation hit her, she had no home now, she had left her husband. Where was she supposed to go? She was about to turn and run when the door creaked open and light from inside flooded out. "Sam?" Jack seemed confused to see her stood soaking wet from head to toe in the middle of the night. "I don't know why I'm here," she paused. "I do, Joe phoned," Jack stopped "but I told him I didn't know where you were and even if I did I wasn't going to tell him." Sam smiled. He moved aside and she gratefully went into the warmth of his house. She stood in the hallway, he shut the door looked at her. "What the hell happened to you?!"
She blushed. He walked across to a small doorway and opened it, he pulled out some fresh towels and some clothes of his. "Go and change, the bathrooms over there. Take a shower if you want, I don't want you catching a chill." He pointed to a small doorway and she nodded and gratefully took the clothes. She undressed quickly, suddenly very self conscious. She slipped beneath the warm water of the shower, wishing that the water could was away the pain she was feeling all through her body. Just because she had walked out on Joe didn't mean she wasn't feeling pain right now. After what seemed an age in the shower Sam figured she couldn't hide in here all night. She dried herself off and pulled on the black T-shirt and army issue trousers he had given her. She chuckled to herself as she pulled the green combat pants over her hips. Maybe there was something about the uniform that had turned him on. She ran her hands through her hair and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her make up was a mess again, she didn't look like she'd cleaned herself up since being at Janet's. She sighed and wiped the dark rings of eyeliner and mascara from her face. She left her clothes hanging over the bath edge dripping dry. She walked back into the hallway, she looked round and followed the light emanating from the ajar doorway at the end of the hall. She pushed the doorway open slightly and looked in. Jack was sat in an armchair, drinking a beer and staring listlessly into space. "Jack?"
He looked up and rose immediately. He waved the beer at her and she nodded, he brushed past her, close, a little too close for Sam's liking. He led her to the small neatly furnished kitchen. He opened the fridge and handed her a beer, downing the rest of his he took another for himself. "So why are you here?" his voice remained neutral. "I couldn't ask Joe about the GDO, we can't get through...and," Sam took a large mouthful of beer and paused. She watched Jack, he kept his eyes on hers. "He knew, that the Aschen were slowly wiping out the world population. He said they were 'restricting growth'. He lied to me, every time I got a negative test back, he stood there and looked into my eyes and told me it would be ok, that we would just keep trying." Sam bit her lip, hard, trying to stop herself from dissolving into tears as she had earlier at Janet's house. "Sam, you don't have to pretend to me." Jack murmured, moving forward and wrapping his arms round her. "You can cry all you like, we're not Air Force officers any more, there's no need to keep up your brave solider routine." Sam nodded dumbly in his arms. She pulled away, she wasn't ready for this. She walked back through to his living room and sat in one of his armchairs. He sat opposite her, watching her intently. "Why have you come to tell me this?"
Sam tried to ignore the tone of his voice. "I just, I don't know Jack, I figured you ought to know that we can't pull this off any more, you're going to have to think of something to tell Sergeant Davis on Thursday." He shook his head as he drank more beer. "Sam, stop hiding things from me. We've known each other too long for you to think you can fool me." She smiled. It was comforting to know that even though they hadn't seen one another since General Hammond's death, 6 years ago, that he had considered her a friend. A wave of guilt swept over her. She had shut him out for 6 years, it hadn't seemed that long. What had she done, she had let one of her best friends, her most trusted work colleagues drift away from her. Jack interrupted her thoughts.
"Penny for them?" Sam grinned and looked into her beer. "Just thinking, I have been so wrong over the past 6 years, I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes Jack. One of them was not listening to you." Jack leaned forwards and put a hand to her chin, he forced her to look into his eyes. "Sam, its over. Whatever you said whatever you did, it doesn't matter now." Sam nodded and looked into Jacks eyes. "I thought I loved him, but all this deceit, there's no way I can stay married to a man like that. I wish I had listened to you in the first place. I wish," she suddenly found she was unable to communicate with Jack, a single tear ran down her face, it fell onto his hand, that was still holding the side of her cheek. "Wish what?"
Sam bit her lip, blinked and looked into his eyes. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to say this out loud, after having felt like it for so long. But dismissing her feelings because of the Air Force regulations, and then because they had fallen out so badly. But she knew there was no point holding back. "I wish you had stayed that night." She whispered the words so softly he nearly didn't hear. Jack smiled, he knew exactly what she was referring to, he stood up, gently pulling her to her feet. He wrapped her in a warm embrace and whispered into her ear "I wish I had stayed too, but that's something we can change right now." He kissed her and held onto her, knowing he was never going to let go.
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