What About Me?
What About Me?
by AmyE
Title: What About Me?
Author: AmyE
E-Mail: roamyn@aol.com
Status: Complete
Category: Angst, thoughts
Spoilers: A Hundred Days, heavy
Crossover: None
Rating: PG-13, language
Summary: Sam & Jack's thoughts during Jack's days on Edora
Disclaimer: Stargate and it's characters are the property of Stargate Productions, Showtime, MGC and Gekko. This story was created for the enjoyment of the authoress and anyone else interested in reading it. This story is the property of the owner and may be posted elsewhere as long as the owner is notified.
SAM:
Where the hell is he? Teal'c said he would stay behind and wait for Jack, but I couldn't allow that. I didn't want to worry about him too. "He can dial home when he gets here."
Then we saw it. A large, flaming meteor bearing down on us. We jumped as quick as we could into the wormhole. It wasn't the pleasantest of landings, nor the prettiest, but it got the job done.
We'll send through a MALP tomorrow to look for the Colonel. I hate to wait, but there's no use rushing into a firestorm and putting more people at risk. God I hope Jack's alright.
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JACK:
I can't raise my team on the receiver. I hope that means they got themselves outta here and back to Earth. I'll have to wait out the meteor shower and fires. These caves Garan found are the perfect resting place for now.
~2 days later~
Laira's home still stands. The villagers that didn't leave for Earth are crammed into her small home. Apparently several families were killed during the meteor shower.
What did Paynan say?! "Used to be?!" No, please, no! Run fast dammit! I get to the field where the Stargate......should be. Nothing, nothing but a 10ft deep rut in the ground; lots of rubble, dirt. No Stargate. Son - of - a - bitch!
Laira walks up. "My people, they can never come back. I will never see them again." It's a statement, not a question. I shake my head 'no'. "And you....." I don't want her to finish. I walk away, kicking rocks aside with my foot. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
SAM:
It's been three days since the meteor shower struck Edora. None of the MALPs or transmitters we sent to the Edoran address have given us a reading. I can't look into anyone's eyes as I explain that the Gate on Edora is most likely destroyed. We all know what that means. The Colonel has no way to get home. He's stranded on a distant planet where the inhabitants have no knowledge or use for technology.
The General just cancelled all rescue missions attempted from the SGC to Edora. Daniel's trying to reach the Tok'ra or Tollan to see if they can send an intergalactic ship to Edora. But that could take months or maybe even years. And we don't even know if the Colonel survived the storm. I can't even think about that possibility. In the meantime, the General says Colonel Jack O'Neill will be listed as Missing In Action until his fate can be definitively determined. Double punch in the stomach as it really hits home. Oh God, please don't let him be lost from me.
I close my eyes while he says this. Take a breath Sam, get control.
~next day~
I think I have a solution to dig out the molten wormhole on Edora I believe formed at the time of impact. I can't tell if General Hammond is really listening. He looks like he's lost. I've never seen him this quiet before. He has a commanding physicality that isn't really noticeable until it's not there. He's lost other SGC members before, but none like Jack.
I continue rambling about the particle beam.
I have to come up with ANY possible solution to get back. Please, General let me do this.
"Then I guess you better get started." Hammond says to me.
I guess he was listening. Thank you General! This will give me something to do to keep my mind off missing Jack.
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And now I'm standing on the corner, all the world's gone home. Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved And I'm feeling cold and alone. I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot. But sometimes I wish for more than I've got... - Moving Pictures JACK:
For several days I was crippled emotionally. I couldn't do anything but lay around. Garan and Laira even had to remind me to eat. Laira gave me some work shirts that she had originally made for her late husband. I tried to tell her that the Gate may just be buried, but she ignored me. She gently reminded me that I had a strong, healthy body and everyone was needed for re-building the village and the upcoming harvest.
Yeah, well, I get the message. I'll help them out. But I'm not wearing the clothes. It just makes it too final, too accepting.
~several days later~
Garan is worried about me. He says I work too much and eat too little. That I'm cutting myself off from the village. Well, they're not my people. I have nothing in common with them. I don't want to get to know them. Making friends and loving people is just too hard anymore. They end up leaving you in some way.
I almost yell at Garan, but then I realize he's still just a kid. A scared one at that. He blames himself that I'm stuck here. That's funny 'cause most everyone else blames me that their families are lost to them.
~one week after the meteor shower~
Today's a week. A week since I found out that my life has been irrevocably changed. That I'm stuck on a planet where the inhabitants are still living in the Middle Ages. Sound bitter, don't I?
I've spoken so little with anyone else that now I'm talking back to myself. Laira approaches. I try and tell her to leave, that she doesn't want my company right now; hell I don't even like myself right now. She says she understands that I need to mourn, but there are right ways and wrong ways. She grabs my hand and pulls me up.
She's probably right. If I continue this way, I'll just get dragged back down to where I was when Charlie died. I've got to look on the positive. Maybe someday it'll be okay. If I had to be stranded somewhere, at least it's on a planet with friendly humans and no Goa'uld.
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SAM:
A week. It's been a week since the accident that left the Colonel stranded on Edora.
I've been working at this computer non-stop for four days. Finally Janet had to come take me away for a rest. But how can I rest knowing that my best friend needs me? The more time I spend working on the particle beam generator, the sooner we can get him home. I hope.
Janet's bugging me again about getting some rest. She reminds me that it could takes months before the generator is completed. Shut up, don't remind me! I let it slip that I miss him, miss Jack. Janet looks intently at me. "Is this a problem?"
"No, no." I hurriedly reassure her. "Not at all." She's looking at me more closely again. I don't think she believed me. Hell, I didn't believe it and it came from my mouth. I know I can trust Janet not to say anything. But I wouldn't be surprised if she watches me more closely. Janet gets up and walks away quietly. I've got to be more careful. Maybe she's right. I need to get some rest. Get away from the computer for awhile. Touch base with Daniel and Teal'c, maybe even take a day off to visit with Cassie.
When Jack's around or when I know where he's at, I don't let my emotions get in the way. I know my job, I know the rules. Heck I was taught by one of the best at how to conceal what feelings and thoughts. But now, when I don't even know if he's okay? It's so hard to hide your feelings when the one you love is missing.
~Three Months Later~
Sgt. Siler and I have just about finished with the particle beam generator. We've worked almost non-stop for the last month. Just knowing our goal was almost reached seemed to give us an energy boost. I've hardly spoken to Teal'c or Daniel or Janet in the last few months.
I finally took a break over the weekend to reconnect with my friends. Cassie was a little put out that I didn't visit like I had promised. So I took her to the park and we bought ice cream and sat on the bench and watched the ducks. For awhile we just sat there, warming in the sun. I think it was the first time I relaxed off the base since the accident. It felt good.
Eventually Cassie let her guard down and told me all the things she's been doing during the summer. She told me that her mother told her I was working on getting Col. Jack home; that she knew why I didn't visit, but she still thought I'd make time for her. I told her I was sorry. I was upset about the Colonel and that I hoped my theory was correct and we could bring him home unharmed. But I also gently told her that I couldn't promise anything.
She looked up at me solemnly with those beautiful knowing eyes, right into my soul. She knows! She can tell my feelings for the Colonel aren't just friendly.
She puts her hand over mine, "You're the smartest person I know Sam. You're idea will work."
I give her a hug. "Thank you for your faith in me."
Later on I made arrangements with Teal'c and Daniel to have dinner together. They have been reassigned during SG-1s temporary decommission. Teal'c is working with Makepeace and SG-3. Obviously the initial reluctance Makepeace had with Teal'c has been put aside. Teal'c doesn't gossip, so I don't get much out of him. Daniel's been bounced around from team to team as needed.
It was nice being with them again for a prolonged period. Of course we'd seen each other - they would make a point to stop by the lab once or twice a week to see how the work on the generator was progressing. But we really didn't get to spend too much time together.
Daniel found several planets with historical ties to earth-based cultures. He was excited about taking a leave to study all the new information at his fingertips.
Teal'c apparently went back to the Land of Light to visit his son and wife, ex-wife - what do you call her? Apparently Ry'ac is getting ready for his next step in Jaffa training. Teal'c participated when Ry'ac received his second-class Jaffa status this summer. I can't believe he's ten already.
How time flies.
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JACK
I've taken up canoeing. There's a small river that runs past the village. It has a calming affect on me. Today, after my daily jaunt, Laira hinted to me that she'd like to have more of a relationship. Tonight we're going to the festivities to christen Paynan's new home. Perhaps Laira and I'll dance together. I don't really like dancing, but it's a big ritual here.
I had often looked at her before and appreciated her quiet intelligence and grace. But I hadn't really seen her beauty because it's not right in front of you. It comes from the strength of her soul and the beauty of her heart. It's reflected in her face, but I kept thinking so much about myself and my situation, that I neglected to notice her for the woman that she is.
Perhaps I'll take her up on her offer.
~late at night~
Laira wants to have a child. No, she wants to have a child with me. There is a difference. I look down at her sleeping next to me. Her body instinctively curls up and molds together with mine.
She told me she thought I had finally finished mourning my "other" life. I might have, but I will never stop missing it. While the Edorans have come to accept me as one of them, I will never forget my other family.
Can I be happy here? Yeah, I think so. Completely happy? I don't know yet.
I've made a crudely worked chess and checkers set from wood and am teaching Paynan how to play and bet. One thing Edora has going for it, is that's it's more relaxing than Earth.
~2 days later~
Talk about irony. Yesterday morning I gave Laira leave to burn my Earth clothes and get rid of everything else that might remind me of 'before'. Except the sunglasses and my dogtags. Had to keep those. The sunglasses come in handy and with the dogtags, well, ya never know. But, anyways, during dinner Laira told me that my walk-talkie had begun speaking. I ran to the empty field; sure enough Teal'c, that son-of-a-gun, was digging his way up from a buried Gate through the nacquada. Happy as I was to see Teal'c, I still can't help thinking about Laira. Even though she loves me, she trusted me enough to tell me about the walkie-talkie. If she hadn't, Teal'c probably would've suffocated before making it to the surface.
This morningall the Edorans that were stranded on Earth came back through. The Gate and the DHD have been dug out. Sam and Daniel came through to make sure I was okay and to see that the Edorans got back home safely.
We're getting ready to leave now. I've tried to delay it as much as possible. I don't want to leave without Laira. I tried to get her to come back with me. But she reminded me that she belongs on Edora. I understand her desire to help her people though. She's a village leader; they need her.
I'll come back. Soon. I made a promise to Laira that I would. We still have that treaty to work out also. Perhaps I'll retire here someday, if she'll still welcome me.
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What about me?
It isn't fair.
I've had enough
Now I want my share.
- Moving Pictures
SAM:
First relief, then hurt. Relief that he's okay, that he's coming home with us. Hurt that he wants Laira to come back with him.
I was trying to explain how we determined the Gate was only buried, but the Colonel just walked away. I thought perhaps he was confused. But he walked directly towards Laira and put his hands in hers. I couldn't watch, so I turned away. I'm sure the pain showed on my face because Daniel looked hard at me. I guess I'm not so good at hiding my feelings. Dad would be so disappointed in me. First for falling for my superior, second for letting my feelings get to me and interfere with my job, third for wearing my emotions.
Can I trust Daniel not to say anything to Jack? I have to. Can I every work with Jack again in a purely professional manner? I have to. If not, I'll be removed to another team. At least on SG-1 I can be near him. If I can't have his love then I want to maintain his respect.
Perhaps someday I'll go to another land and fall in love with someone else.
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