NASCAR and Vampire Bats: A Degeneration of Plot
NASCAR and Vampire Bats: A Degeneration of Plot
by Alynna Lis Eachann
TITLE: NASCAR and Vampire Bats: A Degeneration of Plot
AUTHOR: Alynna Lis Eachann
EMAIL: ranyhyn@start.com.au
CATEGORY: Challenge (#1,093), Humor, Romance
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: Season 3
SEASON / SEQUEL: 3
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: mention of death
SUMMARY: SG1, the end of a racing era, and a wayward Army private. Challenge Response (#1,093)
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I've made is as accurate in terms of NASCAR as I can. If you don't watch NASCAR, I'm sure you don't care. Never been to Vegas Motor Speedway, can't vouch for the seats. NASCAR fans will recognize the references. Especially the way this season's going. I tried to make the story funny, but it turned out more "odd, with funny moments." If you read it with a light heart, it'll sound funnier. It gets weirder towards the end. That's what you get for writing it at 12 am on a school night. My French Professor's going to kill me. Feedback if you got it, but only the written kind. The noise that comes out of the answering machine hurts my ears
Challenge #1,093 was:
* Someone must run through the SGC screaming, "Dale Earnhardt's dead, NOOOO!
* Jack must take the rest of SG-1 to a NASCAR race.
* Teal'c must say at least three times, "What is a nascar?"
* Preferably S/J nearly kiss at least 3 times but get interrupted. 5. Daniel wants to go home because the race is too loud but Jack refuses.
* When they return from the race, the same guy is running around screaming, "Nooo the base has been taken over by a vampire!"
Please make this a funny story.
NASCAR and Vampire Bats: A Degeneration of Plot
Papers flying, heart pounding, an Army private ran through the halls of the SGC. His ululating, hysterical cry left a mixture of disbelief, horror and confusion in his wake.
"Dale Earnhardt's dead!" he cried. "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"Thatis why we shouldn't have let the Army in on this project," General Hammond grumbled as the private tore by him, showering the floor with manila folders and computer printouts.
"Who is DaleEarnhardt?" asked Teal'c after the shocked private had raced by Colonel O'Neill's office.
"Wha-? Huh?" Jack looked confused and upset. He had just received similar news from an Internet sports page, and forgotten Teal'c presence. "Dale Earnhardt is, well,wasone of the greatest drivers in NASCAR history."
"What is a NASCAR?" Teal'c queried. Jack's response was interrupted as Sam Carter ran sobbing into his office, Daniel hot on her heels.
"Sam, I'm sorry!" Daniel was saying while Sam collapsed into a chair. "I didn't mean it."
"What did you say?" Jack demanded with a sick feeling in his stomach. He knew Sam was a big NASCAR fan and he already had a pretty good idea of why she was upset.
"All I said is "he's just a driver," Daniel replied. Sam sobbed louder.
"WHAT! 'Just a driver?' Earnhardt was one of a kind, a champion! One of the best NASCAR ever saw! He was NOTjusta driver!" Jack raged.
"What is a NASCAR?" Teal'c queried again. He was very confused. Was a NASCAR a human deity? What did driving have to do with it? Was it driving a vehicle or drivingin golf terms?
Jack ignored him, instead going over to Sam and taking her in his arms. "Shh, it'll be okay. Shh."
Daniel just stood there, also confused. "Did you know him personally, Sam?" he finally asked.
"No," she said, "but I flew at the head of the fly-by formation at the 1998 Daytona 500. It was the greatest leave I ever had! That was the only Daytona 500 he ever won..." She started to sob again. Jack held her close.
--Several days later--
"Guess what, folks!" Jack announced as SG-1 gathered in Sam's lab to study some mission results. "I got us four prime tickets to the NASCAR race in Las Vegas, and we're all meeting at my house on Sunday to watch Rockingham."
Sam met this news with a small smile, Teal'c with his usual stoicism and Daniel with an exasperated sigh.
"Jack, I had plans for Sunday."
"Cancel them."
"Umm, no."
"Umm, yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No!"
"Yes!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"For me, Daniel?" Sam pleaded.
Daniel thought about it. "Well, okay."
"Ha!"
"Shut up, Jack."
"O'Neill?"
"Yeah, Teal'c?"
"I am agreeable to these plans under one condition."
"What?"
"You must answer my question: What is a NASCAR?"
--Sunday--
"Oh my god! Dale Junior's gone into the wall!" Sam cried.
"I'm sure he's okay," Jack said, a hint of dread in his voice.
"That's what Darrel Waltrip said at Daytona!" She countered.
"Look, he's getting out of the car," Daniel said, surprised at his own sense of anticipation. Jack and Sam both breathed a sigh of relief. Teal'c nodded in approval.
The race continued to go badly, and was finally canceled due to rain. The announcers commented that "the sky is crying at Rockingham," and the fans trudged home.
SG-1 went on a brief mission on Monday, missing the resumption of the race, but a teary-eyed Army private (the same one who had informed the base of Daytona's tragedy) told them that Steve Park, one of Dale Earnhardt Incorporated's drivers, had won. He also cursed Sterling Marlin, so Sam punched him out. Jack and Teal'c hid his unconscious body under the 'gate ramp, and three hours later he crawled out to find himself in the middle of a Tok'ra contingent on its way home. They took him with them.
--Sunday, March 4th, Las Vegas--
"It's too loud here, Jack!" Daniel yelled at SG-1's leader. "I want to go home!"
"Too loud?" Jack laughed. "The race hasn't even started yet!" He settled back to watch the pre-race preparations. He knew he'd be on his feet as soon as the race started, so he might as well enjoy the comfort of sixth-row seats right across from pit road. He looked over at Sam. She was wearing a Dale Earnhardt jacket and baseball cap, and between her seat and Teal'c's was a rolled-up bed sheet on which she'd painted a message in honor of Earnhardt. As he watched, she picked it up and started to unroll it. Teal'c helped her and they soon had out to its full (or rather king) size, holding it up for the whole track to see with the help of some other fans. Daniel sat just under it, having a sneezing fit due to his allergy to Cheer with Colorguard, Sam's detergent of choice. He pawed at it occasionally, as if to move it out of his way, but Sam and the others ignored him.
Jack had a sudden inspiration. He leaped out of his seat and made his way over to Sam. He took her corner of the sheet out of her hands and handed it to a Jeff Gordon fan, who looked startled. "Screw the regs, Sam," he said, and kissed her soundly. Just as they were really starting to enjoy it, the announcer declared the start of the opening ceremonies and the Gordon fan demanded that they move out of his way. Jack grudgingly moved back to his seat as Sam re-confiscated her corner of the sheet.
The opening ceremonies were nice; when the Air Force jets flew over the track and the third plane veered away to form the "missing man" formation, Sam and Jack both stood and saluted, much to the consternation of the Gordon fan.
"Hey, sit down there, Lieutenant," the short, chubby man mocked Jack.
"That'scolonelto you, Bubba," Jack retorted. Sam laughed and Jack started to kiss her again, but someone let go of the tribute sheet and they had to jump after it. It wrapped itself around Daniel, who sneezed some more. Teal'c disentangled it from him and rolled it up again. Daniel continued to sneeze.
The cars were on the track now, and all around SG-1 people were starting to stand to see them pass by. The Gordon fan was on his feet, too, but Jack took great satisfaction in the fact that Teal'c had the seat in front of him and pretty much blocked the little man's view. As the race began the man was trying to climb on top of his seat, but other fans pushed him down so he wouldn't blocktheirview. Teal'c began to unroll the sheet again, and during the third lap SG-1, Daniel included (still sneezing), held it up again for all to see.
The team had a great time at the race, even though Jeff Gordon won. The chubby man laughed and laughed at this, but Sam and Jack ignored him. They were kissing again. This time they weren't interrupted.
The team was just leaving the grandstands when Jack's cell phone rang. It was General Hammond, informing them of an emergency at the SGC. He told them that a helicopter would take them to the nearest Air Force base. As Jack hung up, he could see a security guard rushing towards them, a determined look on his face. The chubby Gordon fan, anxious to find a food vendor, sneered as the guard approached SG-1.
"You're gonna get it now, you bastard!" He told Jack.
"Colonel? Colonel O'Neill?" The guard reached them just then. "I've been instructed to take you and your team to the infield. There's a chopper waiting for you."
As Jack and his team followed the guard back through the crowd, the Colonel turned and grinned at the chubby fan. The man just stared in amazement.
--SGC--
"So what's the emergency, General?" Jack asked as his team filed into Hammond's office.
"We've been taken over, Colonel," Hammond declared.
"By what?" Jack asked. He was answered as a black form flew through the door and settled on the General's head.
"Alien vampire bats," the General sighed, trying to dislodge the offending creature. It would not budge. "We need Doctor Jackson to translate the inscription on the box they came in."
"They came in a box?" Jack asked incredulously.
"Yes. SG-7 brought them back. Their linguist thought the box contained jars of marmalade."
"No kidding, sir?"
"Sure, yeah," Daniel mused, already looking through photos of the box in question. "Vampire bats, marmalade, I can see how you could get them confused in this case."
"Aren't they dangerous," Sam asked.
"No," Hammond replied. "Apparently they only drink from those who carry adult Go'ulds in their bodies."
"How did we find this out?" Daniel asked, still perusing the photos. Before the General could answer, they heard a scream. As they ran out into the hall to investigate, they were treated to the sight of the Tok'ra Aldwin running full-tilt down the corridor, a vampire bat clinging to his arm. He was screaming like a girl. Sam heard laughing and turned to see Martouf leaning against the wall trying to hold in a fit of giggles. He looked up to see General Hammond and SG-1 staring at him, and he doubled over laughing again. The bat on the General's head pricked its ears with interest. When Martouf looked up again it was to see the black creature two feet from his face, fangs bared. He yelped and ducked, running towards Hammond's office for cover. SG-1 parted to let him through, and the General slammed the door shut as soon as they were all back inside. The bat hit the door with athunk!
"That," Martouf said once he'd finally stopped laughing, "is the best entertainment I've had since the Belote Tok'ra cell organized the last New Year's celebration."
"You celebrate New Year?" Jack asked, surprised.
"Of course," Martouf said. "It falls on, according to your calendar, April 15th."
"Figures," Jack said. "Tax day."
--Epilogue--
"...have found him to be unsuitable to become the host of a Tok'ra," Martouf said.
"Any special reason?" General Hammond asked.
"Just one," Martouf replied cryptically.
"What?" The General prodded.
Just then the Army private ran by the office door. Papers flying, heart pounding, he continued to run through the halls of the SGC. His ululating, hysterical cry left a mixture of disbelief, horror and confusion in his wake.
"The base has been taken over by vampires!" he cried. "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"That!" Martouf replied.
The End
Martouf lives. So does the Intimidator. We miss you, #3.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Alynna Lis Eachann
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