Frightened
Frightened
by Lucy Maria Elmer
Summary: Sam reflects on a man who left an imprint on her soul.
Category: Angst, POV, Romance, Thoughts
Episode Related: 202 In the Line of Duty, 211 TokRa, 312 Jolinars Memories, 313 The Devil You Know, 405 Divide and Conquer
Season: any Season
Pairing: Sam/Martouf, none
Rating: 13+
Warnings: character death
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2004-11-02
TITLE : Frightened.
AUTHOR : Lucy Maria Elmer
SUMMARY: Sam reflects on a man who made an imprint on her soul
CATEGORY: Sam/Martouf, Character Death, angst, Sam pov, set just after the events of Divide and Conquer.
RATING :PG-13
SEASON: 4
SPOILERS: Lotsa Martoufy ones.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on Copyrights or trademarks were intended. Previously Unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author. I also don't own the rights to Toby Lightmans song Frightened. I just thought it was gorgeous and added atmosphere to this fic.
AUTHORS NOTE: For Els and JR and all the peeps on JRs board.
The only one who understands, the only one who gave me Something to belong to, nothing left to undo With you everything is beautiful and I'm not scared to be Falling into unknown. With you, I find the strength to carry on...
I sit tearfully in this silent room, the only sound that of my heart beating and my tears. Your now lifeless hand is entwined in my own and your broken body is lying so peacefully in front of me just like you're asleep. God, how I wish that were true.
For fifteen minutes I sat there cradling you in my arms on the cold Gate room floor. For fifteen minutes I prayed that by some miracle that you would come back to me. That those striking blue eyes that could hold so much emotion and depth within them every time you spoke would open and that you would smile that sweet and warm smile and I'd know that we had more time.
I never wanted to hurt you, you must believe me, but I didn't have a choice. You know I didn't have a choice. You were going to kill an innocent person or yourself and although I know it wasn't you who was in control...I had to do it. You know I did. In those last moments of your life when you called to me I knew that you'd rather die any other way than to take your own life because of the Goa'uld. The enemy we've been trying to conquer for so long. An enemy who I've now lost you to like Daniel lost Sha're, like Jack lost Charlie Kawalsky, like Teal'c lost so many.
I sat there for fifteen minutes and in all that time I couldn't let you go. I still don't want to let you go because that means saying goodbye and there's too much left unsaid for me to do that. There are so many things I should have said to you. So many that I wanted to say but held back because of fear and confusion about my feelings. About your feelings. About what could be if we ever acted on those beautiful, intense feelings that were a part of my being since the first moment that I met you.
They moved you into here so I could have some privacy before the Tok'ra have to take you back home so that Lantash can be blended with a new host. They moved you so I could at least have a little time to try and say goodbye to you without all eyes on me waiting for the normally collected Samantha Carter to break down.
I couldn't cry in front of them in the Gate room. Not really. Not how I wanted to. It's stupid isn't it? I was petrified of showing my emotions to you from the moment that I met you and even when you were taken away from me I couldn't bring myself to cry in front of them for the loss of a man who I held so dear. I couldn't even give you that. What kind of person does that make me? I sat there with tears in my eyes doing everything I could to stop them from falling, just praying that you'd come back to me and that somehow this was all a dream but I wouldn't let myself cry. I couldn't show them what you meant to me. I could never even show you.
As soon as I got here I did break down and I haven't stopped crying yet because in my heart there's always going to be a hole left by your passing. A hole that I'm sure you felt when you lost Jolinar and Rosha. Now I and the remnants of them inside me will grieve for you in the exact same way. A hole has been left inside me that can never be filled, for there is so much love in my heart for you. Both theirs and mine. A love that I never told you about but that I always hoped you knew existed and one that I now realise was mine just as much as it was theirs. I always did realise things a little too late.
I would never ever have wanted to hurt you Martouf. I hope wherever you are now that you know that. I would never have wanted to hurt you physically. Never emotionally and never on purpose though I know I did. I did so many times. Today I inflicted hurt on you and you died. It couldn't have happened any other way. Deep down I know that. I keep telling myself that and I hope you know it too but I feel so...so guilty! You died at my hand. I loved you but I took your life away and the hurt from that is almost too much to bear right now. No one should ever have to do that to a person they hold so dear. I hope I never have to do that again. Every time I think of you now I see you falling to the floor in front of my eyes because I shot that blast that killed you. I see you with your eyes closed and your head cradled in my arms.
I know how much it hurt you to know that inside me I carried what was left of your soul mate and yet there I was distancing myself from you so much. It hurt me too. I always hoped you'd understand why I was doing it and how hard it was for me. I was confused. I was frightened. There was such intensity whenever I saw you and so much emotion. I had carried your soul mate of 100 years inside of me. Someone who loved you so much that I can't even begin to describe it. I don't think there are any words to describe it. Within just a few hours of having Jolinar inside of me I seemed to be left with an imprint of 100 years worth of love and devotion to you and from you and that's why I pulled back from you. How could I know whether the feelings that I had for you weren't just Jolinars? How could I know whether it was my heart that was drawn to you or whether it was just because of Jolinars feelings that I felt so close to you? So I pulled back from you and I did that nearly every time I saw you until now, when it's too late to change it.
My heart ached so much when I saw you because I knew within me how much love you gave Jolinar and Rosha and how much they loved you in return but all I could do was pull away. The very first moment I met you I saw their love for you and your love for them. I felt it so deeply. I saw things you shared intimately. That's why I was so confused. That's why I struggled so hard because I always had doubts that it was the part of them that I had within me that you cared for and not me, and that it was only the part of them in me that cared back. But like you had grown fond of me I too had grown fond of you. I had love for you in my heart Martouf and I hope that you know that now.
I always thought that we'd have so long for me to work through all those emotions racing inside my heart. It's silly really. I've seen death. It's a part of our job. Every day we face dangerous situations where any moment could be our last and yet still I couldn't bring myself to work through what I held in my heart for you, or at least tell you what I had come to realise. I should have told you when you came to see me about my options but I couldn't do it. I got scared. The minute you told me that you'd sent word to my dad I wanted to tell you how I cared for you, because you obviously cared enough about me to be able to know what I needed even before I did myself. Then when you told me you'd grown fond of me I wanted to scream it even louder...but I couldn't do it. I was a coward. It was the last few moments that we spent together and I was a coward and now I'm left praying that you knew.
I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted one of us to leave this universe without the other knowing what our feelings were. If I had truly been the Zaytarc and I had gone today I would know exactly what you felt for me. I always knew. You didn't even have to say it. You told me when we were together where I was being held. You told me you'd grown very fond of me although in my heart I knew there was a lot more depth to your feelings than that but did you ever know how much you meant to me? Thinking about it I'm not sure I ever told you and that breaks my heart. You couldn't even bring yourself to tell me the full extent of your feelings even knowing that you could lose me and that was my fault. You were so used to me holding back from you to be completely honest of your feelings. You were so scared I would reject you.
You meant so much to me. You were worth so much more to me than I ever let you know. Those feelings may have started off because of Jolinars being inside of me. The moment I saw you for the very first time everything that she had felt started to be realised to me, but from those feelings my own started to grow for you. Every time we met I was able to understand just why Jolinar and Rosha loved you so much and every time my feelings grew stronger. You were a wonderful man. You were caring, gentle, intelligent, tender and sweet. No matter how much I pushed you away you were always that kind person and you still smiled and still showed concern even when I was not the easiest person to be around. You looked out for my father when I couldn't. You looked out for me when I didn't even realise I needed it. You truly cared for me. How many people can say they've had someone in their lives like that? You were a blessing to my life.
Dad liked you, you know? He thought of you like a son. This is going to hit him hard but in a way I envy him. He really got to know you. He got to spend time with you that I now wish I had been able to. I think if anyone knew our true feelings for each other that it would be him. Since I was little he always knew what I was feeling. Even when we were growing apart he did and that really used to get on my nerves. Then when he got sick and we got closer that bond once again became stronger. I'm sure he knew how much you meant to me. Your people helped give my father his life back when he was nearly at deaths door. You wouldn't leave him behind. I should have realised then how big the loss would be in my life if you were no longer able to be a part of it.
How can I envy my father when he is going to be suffering with such grief? What kind of person does that make me? The symbiote inside him has known you for much longer than my father has and like you did when you lost Jolinar and Rosha both symbiote and host are going to be grieving as one for the loss they are faced with. The pain is going to be intense and it is one I am going to be able to relate to. How can I envy him when it is like he has lost a son? Maybe because I feel guilty for not spending enough time with a man as sweet and loving and intriguing as you.
When we needed the Tokra I know sometimes I appeared quite wary and uncomfortable around you when you arrived on the base. I want you to know that I looked forward to your coming so much. I couldn't wait to see those eyes and that smile but I could never tell you that. Maybe I should have done. I was too afraid to admit it because of what it could mean. Because my heart was calling to yours more and more every time I saw you and all I could think was I needed to distance myself from that because how could I be sure that it was what I was feeling and not just the remnant of Jolinar inside me. Now your heart can't return those calls because it's no longer beating. You are no longer here and it's too late. All that's in front of me is a shell, your soul now gone to wherever it is where we go when we die and all I can think of is that I pulled the trigger and how unfair it is that ultimately the Goa'uld took you away from us. The enemy we've been united in trying to fight for so long.
My thoughts drift back to the last time we spoke. When you visited me where I was being held and told me about Anise's discovery that I could kill myself if I couldn't do what that Goa'uld had intended of me. Your face is imprinted in my mind. How lost you looked when you told me about the difficult choice that I had to make. Neither of which left me with much hope. Even then I couldn't bring myself to tell you what you meant to me. Not even when you tried to persuade me to choose an option which could have at least gave me a chance at having back my life if I had been the Zaytarc. Now I feel so stupid. How could I have let you just drift in and out of my life like that? A man with whom I felt so comfortable talking. about anything. A man who truly loved me for who I was.
I knew for sure what I meant to you when I was in that room. I could see it in your eyes. I could see the worry and care in your face, and then you knelt down in front of me and you held me. You told me that you didn't want to lose me again and you sobbed, and even I cried because I could feel the hopelessness of the situation. I could feel that nothing good was going to come of this. You comforted me and soothed me when I felt so lost, but never did I think that I would be sitting here now without you. If anyone was going to die today I thought it would have been me. Not you.
I should have told you! I should have told you how much I cared when you held me in your arms and we both cried, but I kept quiet. I just rubbed your back and kissed the top of your head and told you it would be okay. I should have told you right then how much Jolinar and Rosha loved you. I should have said right then that I did too because deep down I knew that by the end of the day one of us would no longer be alive. I could have said so much more to you Martouf but I didn't. I let the moment slip away and now you're gone and I'll never have that chance again.
You made me feel so beautiful. Every time your face lit up when our paths crossed I saw myself through your eyes. I've never seen myself like that before. You gave me a wonderful gift. I only hope that when you looked at me you saw my true feelings rather than the facade I built up because I was so frightened. Frightened by how much I could see that you cared for me, and frightened by my own feelings for you. It was just so intense and I think that was why I pulled back. I'd never felt that intensely about a person before and until now was so sure I wasn't capable. So I told myself it was more Jolinar than me...but on reflection I don't think it was and I think if things were different and you were to wake up now things would be okay...and I could be with you.
I can hear footsteps outside and I know they've come to take you home. I still can't stop the tears. My heart is screaming for you. It needs you back with us. It needs you to know everything I feel but I know that's not going to be. You'll probably never know those things now unless by some miracle in heaven you can hear my hearts calls.
I lift your hand up to my mouth and kiss it and then rest it against my cheek that is now wet with tears. I owed you so much that I never gave you while you gave me so much that I never thanked you for. I can't believe I'm never going to see those eyes open again.
As they knock on the door I rest your hand gently back onto the bed where you lay and lean over and kiss your forehead. My tears fall on your cheeks and make it appear as if you have shed some of your own.
"Goodbye Martouf. I hope you know how I felt about you but just in case you don't.... I love you. I always did. Sleep now my angel. One day I'll see you again and you'll know my love for you but for now...good night."
I'm frightened by the love that's in you... But it's alright... And I'm frightened by the love that's in me... But I know it's alright... it's alright...
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Lucy Maria Elmer
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Frightened
by Lucy Maria ElmerSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis