Aliens Made Me Do It
Aliens Made Me Do It
by Teaphile
Summary: No way did Thor want Jack O'Neill to rule the Earth.
Category: Humor
Season: Season 8
Pairing: none
Rating: 13+
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2005-05-16
Thor had to be kidding. He had to. There was no way in any hell that Thor wanted Jack to do that. No, it couldn't actually be Thor standing there in front of him, shiny grey head reflecting a bit too much light from the briefing room fluorescents. Nope. It had to be Loki, or maybe that weird Heimdall fella playing a joke.
No way did Thor want Jack O'Neill to rule the Earth.
Yet here he was, blinking up at Jack, stating that very idea in more ways than there were Gate addresses, utterly sincere. Jack checked the date. It was not April first.
Jack blinked back at Thor, then glanced over at the remains of his team, two of whom were trying very hard not to collapse on the floor laughing, the third of whom had a large, kinda freaky grin on his face. If Jack was going to have to rule the world, at least Thor could give him the power to incinerate his best friends with his mind.
"General O'Neill," Thor began again in his tinny little voice.
Jack cut him off. "No. In no way am I interested in--not to mention capable of--ruling the world. No. And I can't believe I even have to explain this to you." He glared back at his friends, who weren't sobering up nearly quick enough for his tastes. "Tell him, guys. Tell him I'll screw everything up."
Carter snickered. "Oh no, Sir. I think we'll leave this argument to you." The implied `because you're digging yourself such a nice, deep hole' remained implied, which was smart of her, because Jack was fully prepared to reassign her to bedpan duty. He could do that now. He'd even had it embroidered in really tiny letters on his stars.
"O'Neill," Thor attempted again, clearly not paying attention to anything going on behind him. "We are tired of having to return here time and again to defend you to your own leaders. Therefore we have devised a plan to put you in complete charge of Earth's defenses. This will necessitate you being in complete charge of Earth as well. We believe that is an acceptable exchange."
Jack crossed his arms in front of his chest and muttered to the floor, "Acceptable to you, maybe."
Thor nodded as vigorously as he could without his head falling off. "Exactly. You have never hesitated to put yourself in harm's way for the sake of your people. Surely this situation is the same."
"He's got you there, Jack," Daniel commented dryly, still breathing hard from all the damn laughing he'd been doing.
"Daniel's always been willing to die for the planet too. Why not make him?" Jack thought over what he'd said. "Make him rule the planet, not die for it. Again."
"Uh-uh," Daniel replied. "Been there, done that, bought the Evil Overlord t-shirt."
"Well, what about Carter?" He flung an arm out in her direction. "She's smart."
Thor gave her as close to a smile as he could manage. "Her talents are needed elsewhere. O'Neill, you are the right person for this job."
Teal'c rose from his seat and approached them. "Thor, how do you intend to create a world government with a single appointed leader in power? Earth's peoples are very protective of their freedom."
"Good question, Teal'c." Daniel joined them as well before continuing, "Unless you're intending to use violence...,"
"Which would be a `no'," interrupted Jack.
"...how will you get so many countries to agree to, at best, a benevolent dictatorship?"
"That is a good question, and one with a simple answer," Thor replied.
"Which would be...," Jack shrugged his ignorance.
"Your peoples are still very religious, are they not?"
Daniel nodded. "For the most part, yes."
"Then we will do as we have always done," Thor said smugly. "We will pose as your people's various gods and order them to obey."
"As you have done on other planets, not Earth," Teal'c answered.
"Yes. On other planets where people were not so willing to see the face of their god's mother in food."
Carter winced. "You think we're more susceptible to godly influence?"
"Alien influence," Teal'c corrected.
Daniel scrunched his face up. "Can it really be that simple?"
"Is it at all ethical," Teal'c asked in general.
Jack sighed heavily. "Are we nuts?"
***
As it turned out, it really was that simple. A million or so visitations, a few thousand houses of worship with interactive god-sessions, and some heavy-duty influence bought Jack O'Neill a planet. What he was going to do with it was up for debate.
The first thing that happened was he got a phone call from himself.
"You've got to be kidding me," the clone said right off the bat.
"That's what I said," Jack answered, not caring that he sounded whiny. He was talking to himself, after all.
"And Teal'c and Carter and Daniel all went along with this?"
"I think Thor brainwashed them."
"Or," the other Jack theorized, "he cloned them and inserted new thought patterns into their brains. Maybe the real SG-1 are still on a ship somewhere."
"Or maybe they've all just taken one too many hits to the head. Whatever the cause, here I am," Jack forced out between his teeth.
"You are in so much trouble." With that the clone hung up, leaving Jack to deal with his, quote, friends.
"Supreme Commander, Jack?" Daniel still waltzed right into his office without knocking and still used that purposely light, disbelieving tone with him. Some things never changed, even when you ruled the world. Jack thought briefly about how change was necessary for life. He'd heard that other rulers had articles of protocol for being addressed. He could draft something up pretty quickly. Change is good. They said so on TV.
"What else was I going to call myself?" Jack rounded his desk to grab another cup of coffee. "Emperor? Exalted One? Lord Pretend-My-Shit-Doesn't-Stink?"
Daniel held up a hand in defense. "All right, all right. It's a fine title. I just meant that it's a bit, you know, derivative. Maybe you'd want something a little more orig-." He finally caught Jack's glare. "Okay. As long as Thor doesn't mind you stealing his title."
Jack sat again, bracing one foot against the desk. "Thor loves it. Called it an `homage'. Shouldn't you be going through the Gate or something?"
Daniel cheerfully plunked down in the opposite chair. "I'm helping you run the world. We all are. It's a big place, you know."
"I don't have advisors for that?" He waved the cup of coffee in the direction of the outside world, sloshing liquid everywhere.
"That would be me. And Sam and Teal'c." Daniel peered at the paper in his hand. "And General Hammond, who called a few minutes ago. He wants to know what you and Thor were smoking. He also wants immediate access to various highly-classified CIA files, `as a favour to an old friend'." He handed over the message, managing not to dip it in the coffee Jack was trying to sop up with a set of requisition forms.
"He's always wanted to know the truth about Marilyn Monroe's death." Jack looked at the forms more closely. Oops. He crumpled them into a little ball and aimed it at the garbage can. Daniel would never have to know why he didn't get the micro tools he'd asked for.
Blonde hair crossed his vision in the distance. "Carter, get in here," he yelled, just loud enough to penetrate to the briefing room. Or so he thought, until Daniel winced.
She popped her head in, but didn't enter. "Yes, sir?"
"What's the situation topside?"
This time she did come in, taking the chair next to Daniel, who shot her a clearly sympathetic look. "Spit it out," Jack ordered.
"For the most part things are fine," she said, but her discomfort was written all over her posture. He'd have to talk to her about her lying skills.
"But?"
"But some atheist groups are burning you in effigy."
Jack blinked. "That's new and exciting."
"It's a very nice effigy. Quite detailed," Daniel remarked.
"There's already a website you can buy them from," Carter piped up, a little too excitedly.
Jack's glare was rapidly losing its effects on his friends. "Maybe I'll buy one. Spruce up the old office a bit. What's everyone else up to?"
Daniel took another paper out of his pocket. "Teal'c's with Thor, getting ready for the Combined Earth Forces briefing next week, Paul Davis is already talking to several Earth heads-of-state who want you to move your capital to their countries, and several dozen people are working on your address to the UN on Friday." He handed the page over.
Taking it, Jack stood. "Okay, I need SG-1 active as soon as possible, so find me some other people who can handle administration. Steal staff from the Pentagon or something."
Carter stood as well, a serious look on her face. "It might take a while before we can get out again. We all have lectures to give and people to talk to." She paused, studying her toes before looking back up. "It's pretty bad up there, Jack. The governments gave in without knowing the whole story. Once we talk about actual alien threats, once the general public knows most of what we know, we're going to have to do some pretty fast juggling. There could be riots."
"But we're not letting on about the whole, `some gods are fake' thing?"
Daniel shook his head. "No. That would just undermine the work the Asgard did. It's too fresh to play with right now."
"Damn. And here I thought ruling the world would be candy and flowers."
His two friends started to leave, but Daniel paused at the door, snapping his fingers once. "I almost forgot. Jonas Quinn sent a message to you. He said, and I quote, `I always knew you had it in you'."
"Well, I'm glad someone did."
***
Jack considered himself the fastest two-fingered typist in the world. Possibly galaxy, but there was no need to get cocky. No, indeed. He briefly wondered if he should make it a competition, just to be sure, then realized that meant he might lose, so he contented himself with just typing out his new laws as quickly and error-free as he could while he openly laughed at Carter and her use of unnecessary fingers.
He'd thought about it long and hard; what was the point of being the ruler of the world if he couldn't make and change laws? Anything else and he'd just be a figurehead, which was not Jack O'Neill's style. Command was command, no matter what your title.
So, from now on certain things would and would not be happening on Earth. His boring, annoying friends had put the kibosh on his first attempted law (no child shall be without a dog), calling it unreasonable and citing examples of poverty and allergies, both of which he intended to eliminate as quickly as possible when he got permission to co-opt the budgets of the richest countries. Yeah, right. Like that would happen. Thor hadn't given him that much power, although he did have this nifty little gadget....
So, laws. The free space shuttle rides had been vetoed as well, although that one had made it all the way to NASA first. He suspected certain people were humouring him.
"I hereby decree," he muttered as he typed, "that-." He was cut off as the phone rang. Glaring at it, he answered. It was one of those certain people.
"Hey, Jack. Could you by any chance contact the-."
"Daniel." He waited until he was sure he had Daniel's attention. "Is this related to that flying orb thing you guys found yesterday?"
"Ah, no."
"Ask not what your Supreme Commander can do for you, Daniel."
Daniel chuckled lightly. "Got a lot of requests?"
"You wouldn't believe the things the people in this mountain want."
"I think I might."
"Major Philips wants mandatory etiquette instruction in all elementary schools."
He could hear Daniel cock his head to one side. "Yeah, I could get behind that. Especially if it included special sessions on supermarkets and public laundry rooms."
Jack glanced at his computer screen. "What do you think about a law stating that a TV show cannot be cancelled before a minimum of one season has passed?"
Daniel sighed. "Have you thought about any serious laws yet?"
Jack affected an offended tone of voice. "Of course. I've covered global freedom and equality already. Right to a fair trial, reasonable health care, education, and all that." He paused for effect. "Now I'm working on a good definition of pornography."
A chuckle carried over the phone line. "A good definition of pornography or a definition of good pornography?"
"A little of column A, a little of column B."
"You work in mysterious ways."
"I try." A dark shape loomed in his doorway. "Listen, Daniel, I've got to go. Teal'c's back."
"Sure. Send him my way when you're done."
Hanging up, Jack beckoned Teal'c in with a wave of his hand. "What's up? How's the new Jaffa camp settling in?"
"Quite well, O'Neill. We do have one request, though." Teal'c sat across from him, eyes hopeful.
"Shoot."
"A group of Jaffa would like to settle here, on Earth. They would like to become familiar with the cultures of their new allies."
"Huh."
"You seem surprised."
"That's because I am." Jack scratched his head idly. "I just never thought anyone would be interested. You guys are so mysterious and everything."
"I am mysterious, yet I have made Earth my home," Teal'c replied with no trace of irony.
"Right." Tapping a pencil lightly against the edge of the desk, Jack considered. "They realize they won't have much access to the Gate?"
"I have informed them of it."
Jack shrugged and dropped the pencil. "Okay. I'll see what I can do."
"That is all I ask."
***
One of the things Jack hated most was having to deny things to his friends. He took great pleasure in denying the requests of various world leaders who wanted more power than they had, but he loathed having to turn down a friend. That's why he'd always tried to put himself in positions where he didn't have absolute power. Passing the buck was always the way to go. So much for that plan, he thought as he tried to phrase his next sentence to Teal'c.
Luckily, he didn't have to. Teal'c had already read his facial expression. "You cannot allow the Jaffa to immigrate?"
"Sorry. I can't find a country willing to take them in, and it's not in my power to order anyone to do it. So unless they can claim refugee status...."
"I understand."
"Really? Could you explain it to me?"
Teal'c just smiled at him. "I will tell them tomorrow."
"Good. Just don't ask me to." Jack stood and pulled on the jacket of his dress uniform. "You ready to go to the hoedown?"
"Hoedown, Sir?" Carter asked as she strutted into the office in full dress, Daniel in tow.
Jack put on his best innocent look. "Throwdown?"
"Refereed cat fight," Teal'c contributed.
Daniel shook his head as he straightened his tie. "You sure you're ready for this Jack? You know you can't just shoot them; they are elected leaders. Kind of."
Jack grabbed his hat and ushered them out the door. "That's what I'm hoping to fix."
***
Two months, three days, six proclamations, a hundred and seventy-two documents, and nine flunkies later, Jack O'Neill had had enough. "I didn't ask for this," he fumed as he paced past Teal'c again.
"No, you did not," Teal'c responded in far too reasonable a tone. "The highest honours are bestowed, not solicited."
"'Bestowed'," Jack mimicked. "Like it's a freakin' gift or something. Did I tell you they won't let me solve world hunger by redistributing wealth?"
"That sounds unreasonable."
"That's what I thought. I hate this."
"There are many people on this world and others who would enjoy the position you are in." Teal'c settled back in his chair and stretched out his legs, putting Jack off his stride.
Jack glared down at him. "There are plenty of people who are enjoying me in this position." He continued to pace, gesturing violently. "They laugh and laugh, but they have no idea. It's torture."
"We do not laugh at you."
With a snort of disbelief, Jack finally stopped pacing, only to climb up his desk and stand there. "Don't think I don't know what you and Carter and Daniel talk about."
"We discuss how best to do our jobs and help you do yours."
"You `discuss' how to keep me from screwing up the planet."
"That, as well."
Jack couldn't help the wry smile that crossed his face. "Ingrates."
Teal'c stood and gazed out the window into the briefing room. "Perhaps you should ask Thor for guidance."
Climbing down from his desk again, Jack perched on the edge. "Oh, I'm going to ask Thor for something, all right, but it's not guidance." As Teal'c turned with a questioning look, Jack continued, "Don't you ever think something's not quite right with that species? Like maybe the millennia of cloning have taken their toll?"
"You are talking about cognitive function?"
"Yup. Like maybe the lights aren't even on?"
Teal'c appeared to consider the possibility. He met Jack's gaze. "No. I believe that is a product of your feelings of incompetence."
Jack rolled his eyes dramatically. "Thanks, Dr. Freud."
Teal'c was laughing at him, in that Teal'c way. "You are welcome. I have other tasks that await me, your Gloriousness."
Laughter escaped before he could contain it. "Aw, now who put you up to that?"
Teal'c merely smiled in response. "I am sworn to secrecy."
"I'm gonna kill them both."
"They would prefer to be taken to Paris for dinner."
"What?"
"They decided on Tokyo initially, but neither wants to fly for that long just for free fugu."
"Fugu! Free? They're expecting me to pay for this little culinary adventure?"
"I believe they are waiting for you to `stop sulking and start schmoozing'."
With a sigh, Jack moved back to his chair and sat, enjoying the little squeak it made. "I suppose there must be some perks. All that pain should be worth something."
"Worth even free fugu?"
Jack grinned. "If I have to shove that poison right down their gullets myself."
***
Okay, so the trip to Paris had been worth it. The four of them had opted out of Tokyo for various reasons, but Paris they could handle. Over the week they'd been wined and dined and had tomatoes thrown at them by the greatest people in Europe, and now Jack was dreading going back to the mountain.
They'd skipped out--as much as it could be said the ruler of the world skips out--on a lot of meetings, but he just couldn't bring himself to mediate one more purely political dispute about the dairy trade and non-pasteurized cheese imports. Jack knew his own set of flunkies would be mad. They'd frown. They'd whine. They might even shake their heads in disappointment. They'd get over it, eventually, but until they did he probably wouldn't even be allowed to sleep without a guard. For his protection, of course. He wondered how long he could take it before he finally snapped.
So he was more than a little glad to abruptly find himself on Thor's ship. Thirty minutes and some solid bargaining later, he was in his office holding a little device, a miniaturization of a machine he'd coveted for years. He knew how to use it, too. He smiled to himself as he hooked it up to his computer and let it program itself to his specifications. The Asgard might be damned annoying at times, but they did have some cool little toys.
Now all he needed was some free time in the middle of the night. And a zat.
***
The zat was the easy part. Finding an hour when the mountain was mostly empty was becoming increasingly difficult, but Jack managed. Three AM worked well, especially since he'd ordered everyone home early the night before. The only other people on his level were the tech in the control room and a couple of marines. It didn't take much work to start up the Asgard miracle device, make sure it worked properly, zat the poor lieutenant in the control room, dial up the Gate and zip out to the Alpha Site.
As he slurped Jell-O in the little commissary, Jack wondered who would enter his office first and find his little surprise.
***
Daniel poked his head around the door. "Jack?"
A figure flashed into place, standing behind the desk. "Please state the nature of the political emergency."
Daniel cautiously approached the figure, peered at it, then casually bisected it with his hand. It wavered, just a bit. "Well, crap."
END
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