Without Regrets (32K)
Without Regrets (32K)
by SJ Steinbach
Summary: Sam finally grieves for her father. Jack comforts. Things change.
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Episode Related: 817 Threads, 819 Moebius
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: 13+
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2005-04-13
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O lost days of delight, that are wasted in doubting and waiting! O lost hours and days in which we might have been happy! - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
**
It was late, well after midnight, and they had all called it a night hours ago. He had been dozing in bed when he first heard the creak of the old wooden floorboards in the guest room followed by the squeak of the front screen door. Slipping on the pair of flannel pants and t-shirt he had discarded earlier, Jack followed her from the cabin, careful not to wake up Daniel who was dead to the world on the couch, snoring, or Teal'c who was crashed out in a sleeping bag on the floor in front of the still glowing fireplace.
The spring night was cool and somewhat damp, but the skies above were clear. Moonlight glistened on the lake and illuminated the lonely figure that stood, head bowed in sorrow, at the edge of the wooden dock.
Carter.
He watched. Silently. Guarding and protecting, although there was no danger. In this place, at this time, they were all safe and secure. Still, he watched her as he always did. Watched from a distance. Unobtrusive, lest she know that he there. She hated that. Hovering, she called it, but he couldn't help it. Not now. Not when he knew she was hurting.
Her father, dead. Her fiance, released. And while he privately rejoiced at the latter, he grieved with her about her father. Jacob had been a good man, and he had raised a daughter who was as good a woman as Jack had ever known. They were equally as stubborn, however. It was a trait that had saved them all, time and again, he mused. It was her greatest strength, and her greatest weakness. It was one of the reasons why he had fallen in love with her.
He loved. That was why he watched her from the shadows of the pine trees next to the cabin.
Each night since their arrival in Minnesota, she had slipped quietly from the cabin, away from the three men who were her family, to grieve in private. Each night, without fail, he had followed so that she would not be alone. During the day, she hid her grief behind the friendship and the fishing, hiking, swimming, and grilling. Her brilliant smile giving lie to the pain reflected in her eyes. They all knew it was there, but it was so well concealed that they almost forgot. Almost.
But now, alone, her body was taut with misery. She hadn't screamed at the heavens in frustration. She hadn't ranted at the unfairness of it all. That wasn't her way. She hadn't cried either, and that worried him.
Not that he was an expert in the ways of grief. For crying out loud, he couldn't even master his own, but he knew enough to know that "holding in" wasn't healthy. Doing so had cost him his own marriage, nearly his own life. She had changed that for him. Over the years, her tacit comfort, support, and understanding had been able to bring him back from the depths of his own grief. Such open empathy was another reason he loved her. She deserved no less from him.
He watched as she pressed her hands to her eyes and shook her head mournfully, moonlight glinting off her blonde hair like liquid silver. She was so lovely. So sad. So alone. His heart clenched like a fist in his chest at the sight of her. He didn't know what was different about this night. He didn't know what finally drew him beyond the secrecy of the shadows, but he moved toward her, bare feet silent on the dewy grass.
She turned as he was reaching out a comforting hand to her shoulder, and he suddenly found his arms wrapping around her as she clutched at his body. She trembled and he pulled her closer still, tightening his arms about her so that she became almost a part of him. Sinking as one to the dock, her trembling changed to silent sobs that wracked her body and tore at his heart. He could feel her hot tears seeping though the thin fabric of his shirt, and had she cried aloud he would have known what to do, known what to say. Even soothing sounds seemed wrong somehow. He felt useless, so he did the only thing he could think to do and clung to her as she did to him.
He would never be certain just how long they sat there on the dock in each other's arms. A few minutes? An eternity? It would never be enough for him. Eventually, her tears ebbed and her arms loosened somewhat from his chest. She was cradled in his arms now, head tucked under his chin.
She had long wondered how this would feel, being held by him for more than just a few fleeting moments. His scent was addictive. His touch enthralling. The grief that had tore at her so mercilessly eased, and she could no longer think of any other place she wanted to be. She took one steadying breath, and then another.
"I'm sorry about ..." she began.
"Don't!" he demanded softly, his arms tightening to emphasize his point. "Don't even think about apologizing for this." Turning his head, he rested his cheek on top of her silky hair. "Don't ever apologize to me for being human, Carter."
"I miss him," she said simply, swallowing tightly to prevent the return of her tears.
"I know."
"I guess the little girl in me thought that with Selmak's influence he'd be around forever."
"We all did."
"Even with the extra years we had, there was still so much to do. So much left to say to ..." she stopped as tears welled in her eyes again.
"Hey," he said, turning her face up to meet his. Wiping away the tears on her cheek with his thumb, he cupped her face tenderly in his hands and looked into her eyes. "We never really get to say all that we want to those we love. There's always something left that we regret not -"
"I love you, Jack," she said suddenly, straightening in his arms. His dark eyes widened, and she watched a wealth of emotions cross his face. Surprise. Disbelief. Whatever else there was, she didn't even want to guess, and she continued on before she lost the nerve to say what she had longed to say to him for so many years.
"I don't want this left unsaid, Jack. I don't want to regret never telling you that I am in love with you. I tried to forget, tried to move on with my life and find something that was more ... attainable. But I just couldn't lie to myself anymore. Dad was right. Everything he tried to make me understand before he died was right. I wasn't happy with Pete. I tried to be, but how can you be happy marrying one man when you are in love with another? I so sorry if I hurt you by -"
"Shh," he said, pressing his fingers against her lips to stop the flow of words. "Just ... just don't say anything else," he begged. "Sometimes you really do talk too much, Carter." Her blue eyes widened in dismay at his response and suddenly she was embarrassed. She had said too much. She shouldn't have said anything at all. He saw the uncertainty on her face, and a smile tugged briefly at the corners of his mouth. "You think too much, too," he chuckled before desire took hold of him and he claimed her lips with his own.
At first the kiss was tender, hesitant, and uncertain, but she would have staked her life on the fact that she had never experienced anything like it before. It was overwhelming. Her fingers twined in his short hair as he caressed her body beneath her sweater with his strong hands. "Jack ..." she moaned, but then his arms pulled her deeper into his embrace, his lips deeper into their kiss, and she was lost.
God, she was so sweet. Finally, a kiss unimpeded by viruses or time loops. This was Carter. His Carter, not one from an alternate timeline, and she was moaning his name against his mouth in her desire, arching her body into his with her need, clinging to him in a way that he had only dreamed of ever happening.
Reluctantly, he ended their kiss with a final caress of her lips, and she protested their absence from her flesh. Her eyes opened lazily, their blue depths questioning and concerned.
"You know I'm not that complex," he admitted with a rueful grin. " 'I love you, Jack' told me everything I wanted to know." Gazing down at her as she lay on the dock beneath him, he pressed his lips to her forehead. "I love you too, Carter," he whispered against her skin. "More than I will ever be able to show you."
He had never seen her smile in quite that way before. It was a smile full of her love for him, and it was brilliant. It warmed his soul. "What do we do now?" she asked hesitantly in a whisper against his neck. "The regs ..."
" ... are still there," he finished, tugging her into a sitting position next to him. Taking her hand in his, he looked into her eyes. "I don't have all the answers," he said seriously. "If I did, I sure as hell wouldn't have waited eight years to tell you how I feel." He shrugged. "I know this, though. I love you. I need you. And for as long as we've got, I want you with me. Trust me, Carter. We'll find a way."
She smiled again and pressed her lips to his. She knew that being together wasn't going to be an easy task, but right now, here in his arms, she didn't really care.
Jack was enjoying their second kiss even more than their first when she suddenly pulled away. He groaned in frustration and reached to pull her back, but she resisted.
"By the way," she said seriously, "call me Sam."
"Nope. No way." His answer was emphatic, solidified with a firm shake of his head.
"But Carter's a little formal, don't you think? I mean after all we are going to be -"
"Look. I've loved you a long time. Way before the armbands and the za'tarc doohickey. Although I hadn't really acknowledged it even to myself before that," he admitted, then shook his head to get back to the point at hand. "Anyway, after all that, calling you 'Carter' came to mean something else - something more."
Her eyes widened in surprise and curiosity. "What? What does it mean to you when you call me Carter."
He shook his head. "Oh no, if I told you then it wouldn't be ..." His words trailed off as she began kissing his neck, instinctively finding the sensitive spot just below his left ear. Sweet!
"What does it mean?" she asked softly in his ear between kisses.
Might as well give the lady what she wants, he thought. Then, not even willing to let the night air share in the secret meaning, he whispered the truth in her ear.
At first she pulled back, startled at the endearment she never realized he was calling her all these years, and she searched his dark eyes with her own. She saw honest emotion and love there, and then she smiled with pleasure.
"Yeah. On second thought, I think I can live with you calling me 'Carter'."
He smiled impishly and gave her a quick peck on the nose. "Thought you might."
He stood, groaning as his knees protested the sudden movement, and held out a hand to her. "C'mon. It's late. It's cold. I'm old. Let's go to bed."
He laughed outright at the lustful look that appeared on her face when he mentioned going to bed, but he shook his head. "I mean sleep, Carter. I want nothing more in the world than to make love to you, but it's been a long couple of days, and there's still a lot to talk about. I wanna do this right," he insisted as he caressed her cheek with his palm. She nodded her understanding and agreement.
"Fine, but if you think I'm spending another night in a bed without you, Jack, you can just forget it right now."
"Just as well." He took her hand in his as they walked back toward the cabin. "I've got cold toes, and you'll make a dandy foot warmer." He winced in mock pain when she punched him in the shoulder, then turned when she tugged at his hand.
"Tomorrow, Jack?" she asked, her face filled with a mixture of wonder and hesitancy.
"Tomorrow," he promised, kissing her gently. Wrapping his arm around her shoulder, they continued on to the cabin together. Tomorrow, everything was finally possible.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to SJ Steinbach
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