Twenty-Four
Twenty-Four
by SaraJ
Summary: In the aftermath, Jack and Sam still have some decisions to make.
Category: Missing Scene/Epilogue, Romance
Episode Related: 818 Threads
Season: Season 8
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: GEN
Warnings: none
Author's Notes: I wrote and posted this elsewhere back when Heliopolis was out of commission, now that it's up and thriving again, I thought I'd get it up here. Oh, and by the way, the title for this fic comes from the Switchfoot song by the same name, which inspired a couple of the scenes.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was created for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 09/23/05
"Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago... And I'm not who I thought I was..." Switchfoot: Twenty-Four ---------
"So, that about wraps it up then? Anything else to add?" He looked at everyone seated in turn, getting a negative from two, he focused on the third. "Carter?...Carter?"
Her head snapped up and she blinked rapidly when she realized he was talking to her. Her eyes met his and where she should have seen reprimand reflected, she found only curiosity and concern. Still, she cursed herself for not paying more attention during the briefing.
"Sir?"
"I was just asking if anyone else had something they wanted to cover," he repeated nonchalantly.
Still feeling a little embarrassed, she answered, "Um, no, sir."
He eyed her warily for a moment, but didn't press. "All right. Well, in that case," he went back to addressing the whole group, his voice brightening, "and due to everything that's happened around here lately--what with you guys kicking some major Goa'uld and Replicator ass and Daniel's most recent near-death/Ascension experience etc, etc..." Daniel rolled his eyes. "I'm granting you all some well-earned downtime. And," he looked directly at her now, "I expect all of you to use it."
Teal'c bowed his head respectfully and Daniel muttered something in agreement as they both rose from the table and collected their things. She began to do the same, until the General's voice stopped her.
"I mean it, Carter," he practically sing-songed. "I don't want to see you on base for at least a week."
"Sir, I--" she immediately started to protest, ready to list a multitude of important things she needed to get done. Things that simply could not wait, for this reason or that one, anything except the fact that she knew sitting at home doing nothing would only make her feel worse.
But he plowed on, silencing her with an impatient wave of his hand. He stared at her intensely, "I'll tell you what, Carter, we'll make it a long weekend to start--if you're absolutely certain that this base will fall apart without you here 24-7--but you will take it...Even if I have to drag you outta here kicking and screaming."
Sam's brow knitted in confusion. There was something in the way that he was looking at her, almost willing her to protest more. Yes, she thought, there was definitely a challenge in his eyes. It made her feel as though she'd missed something important.
"Sir--" she started to question. He didn't let her.
"Minnesota, Carter. Come fishing this weekend."
In her mind she felt the pieces falling into place as they held each other's gaze. She could almost feel time slow to a crawl. Daniel and Teal'c, so shocked by the request, stopped in their tracks in the doorway to the briefing room. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Daniel's slightly dropped jaw and Teal'c's raised eyebrow. The General had his back to them; she wondered if he even knew they were still here. Then she thought that she should probably be responding to his request, rather than focusing on whether or not he knew they weren't alone when he made it.
Considering it, she knew what she wanted to say. Whether or not that was a good idea, however, was a different story. The same different story it had been the last time he asked. And the time before that. And the time before that. Of course, in light of...recent events--she told him what happened with Pete and he, in turn, explained what happened with Kerry--it was probably a really, really bad idea. At least, right now. Right?
She opened her mouth, her expression softened.
"Daniel? Teal'c?" He addressed them before she could make a sound. His eyes stayed glued to hers, he didn't even flinch. "What do you say? You both up for a little fishing this weekend?"
Daniel, she knew, looked even more confused. His brow wrinkled and his eyes narrowed beneath his glasses. He looked to Teal'c, who regarded Jack with a mixture of surprise and trepidation. Teal'c's last fishing trip did not go well.
"Uh...yeah, Jack. Sure, why not," Daniel finally answered.
"I will accompany you as well, O'Neill."
The General didn't really acknowledge them, his focus still on her. He quirked an eyebrow. "Carter?"
Yes, definitely a challenge in his stare, she thought. He knew she was about to decline again. And he figured that with Daniel and Teal'c going along as well, she'd be more comfortable. She had to admit, she appreciated the gesture...And she was certainly never one to back down from a challenge.
She smiled, just a small upturn of the corners of her lips.
"Sure. I can go fishing."
XXXXX
He supposed that he should have see Daniel's visit coming.
Currently the younger man, one of his best-friends, the annoying little brother he never had, was staring at him from the opposite side of his desk as if Jack had completely lost his mind. This, of course, was not exactly a novel occurrence, but in this case, at least in Jack's mind, it hardly seemed justified.
"Uh, Jack...are you sure you want us to come with you?"
"Yes, Daniel," Jack sighed and his eyes closed for a moment in exasperation. At least he didn't have to look at Daniel's bewildered expression for a few seconds. Plus, if he hadn't taken the breath, he might have ended up shouting to Daniel that no, of course he didn't particularly want him and Teal'c tagging along. But the truth was, it probably was the better idea. And hey, it got him what he did want--Carter up to his cabin at last. Sure it took him six years to do it, but hey, mission accomplished.
"Besides," he added, figuring that he might as well tell Daniel the truth, "I'd probably never get her up there otherwise."
Daniel's lips narrowed. He didn't agree. "I think..." he started to say in response, but Jack didn't want to hear his theory right now. It would probably just make him think, and they all knew how well that always turned out. There was already too much "advice" rattling around in his brain anyhow.
"Look," Jack said abruptly. There was, after all, a very good reason for all of SG-1 to go on this trip. And it was, to be completely honest, the most important reason why he thought to ask her to go away. "Her father just died. Do you really want her to be alone right now? Or worse, maybe holed up here, buried alone in her work?"
That seemed to resonate with the man. Daniel's face softened immediately as Jack's words hit his ears. Despite what Daniel may have suspected was behind Jack's motives, he loved Sam just like the rest of them, and she had been through a great loss. He knew Jack was right.
"When do we leave?"
XXXXX
The car ride up to the cabin went exactly as he thought it would.
Jack never minded the long drives. Sure taking a plane, be it commercial or Air Force transport, was faster and more convenient, but there was a certain Zen quality to an open road that he enjoyed. He liked the feeling of isolation, the lull and calm of a long drive--so long as he had enough coffee to keep himself awake, that is.
Carter seemed to appreciate the Zen as well, something he found just slightly surprising. She never did like just doing nothing; hell, this was probably the first time she'd actually used her downtime for relaxing in years. But as he drove, he could feel the tension leaving her body from where she sat next to him. She still hadn't spoken much, but the progress was promising.
Teal'c still found the idea of driving a bit confusing. He was always one to value efficiency and spending nearly eighteen hours in a car to get somewhere a plane could have you to in three was just downright insane. But he, at least, endured the journey without complaint. Such was the way of a warrior after all.
Daniel made it halfway through Nebraska before reverting back to a three-year old.
"So, Jack, do we plan on stopping anywhere along the way, or are you trying to set some kind of speed record for traversing the entire continent in under a day?"
Jack sighed irritably, "First of all, Daniel, we can't possibly 'traverse the entire continent' because we started in Colorado, not California. Second, while I'll admit that we are 'exceeding the velocity of posted speed limits'," he glared back at Teal'c in the rearview mirror, "we are not exactly going to win the Indy 500 doing it. And third, we have stopped. A few times actually. We stopped for breakfast, we stopped for gas a couple times, and once we hit Lincoln we'll stop for lunch, so you can rest easy."
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Carter's lips turn up in the beginnings of a smile and he couldn't help but consider it a small victory.
Daniel, however, was in rare form, and probably about five seconds away from whining, "Are we there yet?"
"It's just that, while I love a good round of 'slug bug' as much as the next person, Teal'c's gotten pretty good at it and I think I might be starting to bruise."
"I do not believe I could have injured you, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said calmly in his defense.
"Yeah, Daniel, quit being such a baby," Jack added for good measure.
"Sure, easy for you to say, he can't reach you. And we all know he'd never hit Sam, even if it was 'playfully'." He could practically hear Daniel's air quotes.
Jack locked eyes with Teal'c in the rearview mirror, as if to question Daniel's claim. The Jaffa simply lifted his head, but didn't comment. Just as well, Daniel was probably right, and Teal'c wouldn't feel the need to point it out.
Carter was still smiling, and he turned his head to her next. "So there are some perks to being the girl, huh?" he winked at her.
"Occasionally," she smirked.
"Jack..."
"Daniel, I told you we were driving. I told you it was going to be a long drive. And I told you to bring something along that would entertain you." Jack could feel his patience wearing thin, and he found himself once again questioning why he didn't at least try and ask Carter to come up here with him alone. He'd only been rejected a half dozen times before.
"Well, actually, I believe your exact words were, "I'm sure you can find something suitably boring to bring with you..."" Daniel snarked.
"Yeah, like I said, something to entertain yourself."
"But..."
"Daniel, so help me, if I have to utter the phrase, 'don't make me turn this car around...'"
Carter giggled beside him, a full-blown smile on her lips.
Victory, indeed.
XXXXX
He found himself watching her from where he stood near the kitchen window. He, Daniel and Teal'c, being the enlightened men of the twenty-first century that they were, had shooed her out of the cabin's tiny kitchen after they ate...
"Go sit down, Carter. The boys and I can handle the toiling and scrubbing." He fought back a grin and tried to make his voice sound appropriately self-sacrificing.
"That's big of you, sir, considering we ate on paper plates." She fought back a grin of her own, trying not to indulge or encourage him.
"Ah, but there're cups--and silverware. Utensils don't wash themselves, you know."
"No, sir."
She hadn't been able to fight down the indulgent smile at that point and he'd once again found himself feeling absurdly accomplished for it. But she'd moved out of the room and eventually wandered back outside, out to his small dock. Now she sat in the lawn chair she'd occupied for most of the day, unmoving, her head bent toward the water and her arms folded across her body. As he watched her he felt the ease and levity of the day disappear, leaving a familiar ache in his chest and an itching in his limbs. He wanted to be able to go to her. He wanted to--
"Go talk to her, Jack."
Daniel's calm voice cut through the haze of his thoughts. Jack shook his head sharply, as if the movement would rid his brain of its traitorous cargo, and his gaze moved away.
"Seems like she wants to be alone right now."
Daniel didn't miss a beat, didn't let him get away.
"And didn't we bring her up here so she wouldn't have to be?"
He didn't know what to say to that, and he couldn't argue with it. Daniel was right, they'd--he'd--arranged this trip especially for her. Because for all her insistence that she was fine, that she was grateful for the few precious extra years she'd had, the fact remained that her father died last week. And then she'd called off her wedding, and part of him knew why; the same part of him that didn't want to ask why, just in case he was wrong; the same part of him that wanted to take Daniel's advice and run with it. But if he went out there now, what would he say? Would he even have to say anything? She'd never really expected it of him, she knew he was a bit lacking in the art of vocabulary eloquence. Yet actions, however small, were dangerous and he was fast losing the tight rein on his self-control. Jack sighed loudly, his frustration with his thoughts showing as he moved away from the window.
Useless. Foolish.
If he hadn't had his back turned, he would have seen Daniel and Teal'c exchange respective frustrated and pained glances. The Jaffa had been silent up until now but Jack suspected he was just waiting for a good moment--and giving Daniel a go in the process. Daniel, who just would not be silenced.
"What's stopping you now, Jack?"
The younger man sounded exasperated, even a little angry, and it pissed him off. What right did he have to judge? Didn't he understand how hard this was--how hard it's always been? Jack stopped short, near the front of the cabin now.
"Tread carefully, Daniel." Jack's jaw clenched as he practically growled the words.
But Daniel, determined, unyielding, well-intentioned Daniel: he'd gone toe-to-toe with Jack O'Neill many times before. He knew just how to push--and he often did. Now would not be an exception.
"Answer the question. Now, after all that we've just accomplished. After it looks like we just might have finally won." Daniel's voice dropped to its softer, almost pleading cadence, "You won't take a chance. How many more do you think you'll get?"
"We still have our obligations, Daniel."
"Obligations which only stand in the way because you let them."
Jack shook his head incredulously. For crying out loud, not Daniel too? Just how many times was he going to have this conversation?
"Look, I'd be lying if I didn't say that the thought of you two...together kind of freaks me out sometimes," Daniel paused, taking a much needed breath from his rant. When he continued, his voice was softer, and he stared Jack down with intense blue eyes. "I believe you can make each other happy. And after everything we've been through, after everything we've done...If that was the only good thing to come out of it, well then I'd say we did a pretty good job."
Jack didn't know what to say to that. Instead, his attention focused on Teal'c, standing just behind Daniel, looking...well, stoic as usual, but also a bit impressed. He clearly agreed with Daniel's assessment.
"And what about you?" he asked is Jaffa friend. "Any insightful comments you'd like to add to the gallery?"
There was a time when Teal'c would have been distracted by Jack's colloquialism and called him on that instead of answering the question. Now, however, Teal'c merely stood there silently for a moment, considering, his chest puffed out as he took a deep breath.
"I believe Daniel Jackson has made his argument quite effectively, O'Neill."
"And you agree with him." It wasn't exactly a question.
Teal'c took a moment here too, before answering, "You and Colonel Carter are two of my closest friends. Like Daniel Jackson, I care a great deal for your happiness...I also believe that it would not be an exaggeration to say that I know quite well the pain this situation has caused both of you."
Jack looked down and nodded in affirmation. Teal'c most definitely knew better than anyone else, had been witness to what should have been private moments, and had all too often been a caring presence when the secret was just too damn hard to keep locked up.
"You said it yourself, Jack," Daniel picked up again. "We just 'kicked some major Goa'uld and Replicator ass.' We're seeing the end of a war that we never thought would."
"Oh for crying out loud, Daniel! Will you just cut to the chase?"
"What Daniel Jackson is trying to say, O'Neill, is that perhaps now is the time for all of us to consider our place."
Daniel nodded, "What if now's your chance?"
Jack sighed, "What if I don't have a chance?"
Daniel's expression steeled and he strode purposefully to the door. He opened it wide and swept his hand out, beckoning Jack to go. "Why don't you go find out?"
Jack hesitated, his eyes going from Daniel to the open door, through which Carter sat alone on the dock not twenty feet away. It wasn't about deciding what he wanted, he'd known that for years. He'd also all but given up on ever getting it, he'd even made his peace with that. But in the last few weeks, everything turned on its head; and suddenly, what he wanted seemed right there in front of him again.
Make a decision. Make a choice. Take a chance.
He must have hesitated too long, however, because before he really knew what was happening, Teal'c had grabbed his arm and was forcefully shoving him out the door. And before he could even think to say something in protest, Daniel shut the heavy oak in his face.
One decision made, apparently.
XXXXX
"Hey."
She looked up at him as he moved to sit in the empty chair beside hers, seemingly unstartled by his appearance. She'd probably sensed his approach, like he could always do with her. It was something they had from the beginning, but what was once a necessity for soldiers in the field he, on his most nostalgic days, liked to think had adapted to become something purely about them.
"Hey," she answered with a short nod before looking back out at the water.
They sat in silence for a good while, relaxed in each other's presence despite the fact that he couldn't stop fidgeting. It wasn't in his nature to be completely still, and to do so probably would have made them both feel awkward and uncomfortable. The sun had gone down behind the trees a while ago and the fading light meant that the temperature had dropped significantly. He knew they wouldn't be able to stay out here long, was surprised that she'd been out here for as long as she had.
"Getting a bit chilly out here, don't you think?" he asked casually, trying to get things moving. The weather? He was honestly talking about the weather? Good God, he hoped Daniel wasn't trying to listen in on this or Jack would definitely be in for another "lecture" later.
She laughed a little and sighed, "Yeah, maybe a little. It's not so bad."
Well, at least she didn't look at him like he was crazy, he thought. But still, this wasn't the conversation he was supposed to be having.
"Sam..."
"It really is beautiful here," she interrupted, her eyes focused on the pond. "Thank you."
He turned his head, watching her carefully, waiting for her to explain. Her head turned to his after a moment, probably wondering why he hadn't spoken. She continued with an explanation. "All those years, you never stopped asking."
He shrugged his shoulders, trying desperately to keep his voice light, to keep the atmosphere joking, "I figured eventually I'd have to get lucky."
She smiled, nodding indulgently, and he felt an enormous relief pass over him. How the hell did he get so lucky that she actually found his lame attempts amusing? But joking aside, he wanted her to know that this meant something to him. He held her gaze, his whole face serious now, a desperate attempt to make her understand.
"Looks like I finally did," he added softly.
Her smile faded but her blue eyes, soft and understanding, stayed focused on his darker ones.
He broke the stare first, satisfied that she knew what he was trying to tell her, he tore his eyes away from hers before he could do something extremely stupid.
They were both looking at the water again, or perhaps looking at nothing at all, too lost in thought to notice anything their eyes processed. The pond was smooth and still as glass, reminding Jack of Daniel's quantum mirror with its inky reflective surface. If he stood he would probably see a perfect image of the two of them, or maybe he'd see the reflection of an alternate universe that had just been created. One in which, considering their odds, another Jack O'Neill felt free to run his fingers though Samantha Carter's hair, or hold her close and press his lips to hers.
But before he could convince himself that all the other Jack O'Neill's out there shouldn't be having all the fun, Carter's soft voice carried to his ears.
"You know, I always kinda wanted..."
"I know," he said before she could finish. He knew what she was trying to do, that she thought she might have hurt him somehow by turning him down so many times. But it wasn't her refusal that hurt, it was the fact that her refusal was the right choice.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." He paused for a moment before deciding to continue, but he wanted to reassure her, "It might have been a bad idea anyway...It was never about you saying yes or no."
She stared at his empty pond, her brow knitting slightly. Then she chuckled, "It's not about catching the fish."
He smiled. A much brighter smile than those he'd worn before, happy with her analogy, happy that she got it. "It's about letting the fish know you still...care enough to make the effort."
She smiled brightly as well, turning to find him staring at her again. "Right."
Still grinning, he nodded. It wasn't exactly how he wanted the conversation to go, and they still hadn't said nearly enough. But it was enough for now, they still had time ahead of them.
"Come on," he held his hand out to her as he stood. "It's getting cold out here, and I did promise Daniel earlier that I'd kick his ass all over the chessboard tonight."
Sam laughed lightly, "Well I certainly wouldn't want to miss that." She took his offered hand and let him pull her up out of her seat. Looking rather shy, he laced his fingers with hers. She made no move to pull away; instead, he was almost surprised to find that she leaned into his side slightly as they walked back to the cabin.
XXXXX
He shifted on the bed once more, this time flopping onto his back. He could feel the springs of the worn mattress prodding at his vertebrae and thought, not for the first time, that maybe he should have given Daniel the pull out couch. Then Daniel would be the one tossing and turning, and he wouldn't have to listen to the younger man's snoring.
Although, with his luck, Daniel would be just fine on the pull out, happily snoring away. The man had always been able to sleep anywhere on earth, and any other world for that matter.
Jack sighed deeply and his head lifted off his pillow to take a quick survey of the room around him. Daniel was, of course, out cold at the foot of Jack's bed, on the air mattress he'd dug out of the storage shed. Teal'c was similarly unconscious on the folding cot they'd set up along the far wall of the cabin. The Jaffa was probably one of the few people Jack had ever met who actually seemed to enjoy sleeping on one of those things; but then, that might have had something to do with the hundred or so years that Teal'c really hadn't needed to sleep at all.
That left Carter, who was occupying the only bedroom in the little cabin, his bedroom. And he was out here, listening to Daniel snore--had it always been that annoying?--and timing Teal'c to see how long the man could stay in his statuesque sleeping position--it really wasn't natural that he could be so still--and trying his damnedest not to look at his closed bedroom door--his self-discipline was definitely improving. Though thinking about these little details probably wasn't helping his insomnia at all.
Of course, neither was his brain's insistence on replaying his earlier, non-conversation with the woman in question. He'd completely dropped the ball when Daniel and Teal'c had sent him outside to talk to her, but then again, how exactly did one start the conversation in question? Simply blurting out the words "hey, remember how we kinda admitted that we loved each other a few years back? Well, despite everything that's happened since then, I never stopped," wasn't particularly romantic...it was barely articulate. In fact, if he had just tried to blurt out the words, it most likely would have had a lot more stammering and a lot fewer nouns and verbs. Luckily, Carter saved him with her fishing analogy, which somehow managed to get the same point across.
It wasn't enough though, it wasn't right. He didn't want to continue to fall back on their safe phrases and non-conversations. He wanted to give her something more, all the promises they'd been too afraid and too honorable to make in the past.
His head turned and his eyes slid to the short hallway, and the closed door--damn, wasn't supposed to do...Wait a sec, why's the light on?
Jack sat up fully in the bed, his brow furrowing slightly. It had to be close to two AM and Carter had left the boys to their own devices hours ago, after Jack started to beat Daniel at a third game of chess, with Teal'c patiently offering suggestions as Daniel's frustration grew. What was she still doing up? Almost immediately, his blood began pumping faster in his veins, his senses awakening even more as he tried to fight his instinct to go and check on her. She was probably just up reading or something, hell, maybe Daniel was keeping her awake too, though to be fair, Jack didn't think the man was quite that loud. She insisted that she was fine, and though he knew as well or even better than most that she still had a little ways to go, there was still no reason why he should get out of bed and walk to her door.
So why was that exactly what he was doing?
His legs carried him the few feet to the bedroom door quite without his knowledge or consent. He stood there, bouncing on the balls of his feet, his face screwed up in apprehension and confusion. He leaned toward the door, so close that his ear was practically pressed against the hard wood grain. He could hear nothing on the other side, no sound at all, and yet the fact did not ease the concern, the need, he felt.
His hand was halfway up to the door before he pulled back suddenly. What the hell was he doing? For starters, he was barefoot, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and a T-shirt, for crying out loud. He had every reason to suspect that she would be similarly under-clothed. Not that he didn't think he could control himself around her, he wasn't exactly a teenager anymore, but he still felt like he was tempting Fate. Of course, there were probably a thousand other reasons why he really, really shouldn't raise his fist and knock on that door.
And yet, again, that was exactly what he was doing.
The soft knock sounded deafening to his ears. He even turned his head back to the great room, just to make sure Daniel or Teal'c hadn't woken at the sound. Naturally, neither had stirred in the slightest. He started bouncing on his feet again as he tried to find something to do with his hands. He could really use some pockets right now...Or pants, pants might have been a good idea too, or...wait, she still hadn't answered.
Jack frowned at the still closed door. Surely she'd heard him? Maybe she'd fallen asleep with the light on? Great job, O'Neill, get all worked up when she's just probably just fallen asleep reading some astrophysics journal, he berated himself. How many times had he walked into her lab to find her asleep at her desk? Different location, same situation. Well, at the very least, he could go in and turn off the light, and make sure she at least had a blanket or something over her.
Slowly, he turned the knob and pushed the door open.
XXXXX
From where she stood with her back to the door, staring out the window, she didn't hear his knock. She also didn't hear him when he entered the room a few moments later, the lack of response on her part enough to spur him into action. And she gathered from the concerned, almost distraught, look on his face when she finally did acknowledge him that she hadn't heard him the first couple times he'd called her name either.
"Sam?"
She turned her head toward him, blinking rapidly and shaking her head a bit, startled to see that he was right next to her when she was sure she'd been alone a moment ago.
"Sir? Sorry, I guess I wasn't paying much attention." Sam moved to sit on the edge of the bed, her hands tucked under her legs as she sat.
He watched her carefully from the window, following her movement with warm eyes. "Hey, that's all right," he made a sweeping gesture with his hand as he moved to sit close beside her on the bed. "I just thought, you know, maybe you'd fallen asleep with the light on or something, so I..."
"I didn't wake you, or Daniel or Teal'c, did I? I haven't actually been to sleep yet," she stopped for a moment and he heard a soft sigh. "I guess I just have a lot on my mind."
She met his eyes for just a moment before concentrating her gaze on the floor, but she could still feel his stare. He watched her now just as he had when he sat with her in her father's observation room just days before.
"Understandable," he said softly.
"What about you?" She looked back at him, wondering why he was still awake at this hour.
"What about me?"
"You couldn't sleep."
"Ah, yeah--I guess I just got used to not having to hear Daniel's snoring," he smiled.
A small smile graced her features and she giggled a bit. "You're not exactly the most silent sleeper either, sir," she teased.
"I'm not as bad as Daniel."
She continued to smirk, appearing to consider the statement, but finally offered a response. "No, definitely not."
"That's what I thought," he smirked back.
Silence fell and they simultaneously bent their heads to look down at their hands. Something heavy seemed to settle in the air around them. One of them was going to crack soon, she knew it. This kind of tension was relatively new for them, and the rarity of their truly, horribly awkward moments meant that neither of them lasted long when it was silent. She held back a satirical chuckle at the thought that somewhere, her father could probably be watching them right now, laughing it up and wishing he had some sort of timer he could use to see how long they held out.
"So?" Jack's voice cut through her thoughts and she mentally congratulated herself.
"So?"
"So...you couldn't sleep?"
"Oh, right. Yeah, I guess I just..." she trailed off with a long sigh and shook her head. How could she explain the thoughts that ran through her head? She was sure that he could guess correctly about what was keeping her awake, but after all her assurances, he still didn't really seem to believe she felt the way she did. However, the truth was important with them, so she suspected that she'd have to try again.
"I miss him," she started, but as the words left her mouth she suddenly felt as though she didn't really know who she was referring to. "I am grateful for what we had." Her brow furrowed and she let out a disparaging laugh, "God, I don't even know who I'm talking about."
Jack, too, looked confused, if not a bit uncomfortable. "Maybe a little of both?" he offered understandingly.
She gave him a thankful smile, "Maybe. I guess it's just that with my father, I don't feel the kind of grief, or have the sense of loss that I felt years ago when I thought I was going to lose him to cancer...But I still miss him. A lot."
He didn't say anything, just sort of nodded his head sympathetically. She was happy with that, she didn't really need him to respond; plus, she knew how uncomfortable this sort of talk made him, how bad he thought he was at it. Sam figured in that respect they were actually perfect for each other; he was always willing to listen, and she didn't really need him to talk.
She felt his arm come up to wrap around her shoulders and she immediately leaned her head against him. This was another thing she loved about him, he might be a man of few words, but he was never afraid to get his point across in other ways. He was affectionate and tactile, and as her body settled into his easy embrace, she felt her worries begin to drain away.
Just as her eyes slipped closed and her breathing began to slow, she heard his soft voice whisper near her ear. "Come on. Time to sleep, I think."
She stood with him and he pulled back the covers on the bed. As she crawled in and laid her head down, she felt the bed dip behind her. She felt his chest press up against her back, his left arm moving over the top of the comforter to rest along her waist, holding her to him gently. She smiled inwardly and exhaled a deep, long breath. This made her happy. This was what she wanted. They hadn't kissed, hadn't done anything that they hadn't done before--though, granted, they couldn't exactly use the excuse of trying to keep each other alive in this situation--but still, she felt happier now than she had for a long time. And she found herself, once again, questioning why she ever thought this wasn't enough.
"It wasn't right."
He didn't answer right away, probably trying to determine what she was talking about. "Pete?" he asked finally.
"Yes."
Another pause, and she felt him take in a deep breath before, "You did love him." It wasn't a question, he knew it was fact.
"I did." She wasn't going to lie.
"He made you happy."
"He did." Now it was her turn to pause. She took a breath, let it out. "For awhile, anyway. It just wasn't right. There were a hundred different reasons why it wasn't, not the least of which was that I knew there was someone else." She felt him hold her tighter. "And I want, and need, the man who cares enough to hold me and tell me that it's okay that I loved and was happy with another man for awhile."
He turned her in his arms so he could see her face. He looked down softly at her and his hand caressed her cheek. "It is okay. We couldn't..." he stopped. She heard him huff dejectedly. "Hell, we might still not..."
She stopped him, reaching up and placing her palm on his cheek now. "You are everything I want."
He let out a slow, deep breath, stunned by her promise and the weight of it in her eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out at first. She could see him tumbling something over in his mind, trying to find the right words. "I wanted to...Earlier, I..." He was stuttering and stumbling, and while she found it horribly endearing, she could tell he was beginning to get frustrated with himself.
She smiled reassuringly and he relaxed and closed his eyes for a moment. Then he swallowed, and this time, when he opened his mouth, he blurted out the only thing he could think to say.
"I love you."
She felt her eyes water and her heart tightened in her chest. His simple, heartfelt sincerity did more for her than a thousand flowery, clichd speeches could.
"I love you," her words came out as a choked whisper, no less sincere than his own.
He let out a breath then that sounded like it was hiding a relieved laugh. He moved to lay down behind her again, pulling her close. Her eyes closed as she felt his warm breath on her neck.
"So what now?" she asked softly, already feeling sleep pull at her.
"We'll think of something," he whispered, his voice confident. "We'll make it work."
XXXXX
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Twenty-Four
by SaraJStory Bemerkung:
I wrote and posted this elsewhere back when Heliopolis was out of commission, now that it's up and thriving again, I thought I'd get it up here. Oh, and by the way, the title for this fic comes from the Switchfoot song by the same name, which inspired a couple of the scenes.Site Navigation
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