One More Month
One More Month
by purplepenguin1013
Summary: It was going to be a long month.
Category: Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: GEN
Warnings: none
Author's Notes: Read the previous installments first, starting with Eight More Months. Feedback is always appreciated!
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was created for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 01/29/06
Sam leaned back and shut her eyes, attempting to block out the intensely sterile atmosphere that threatened to overwhelm her senses. The many hours she had spent in similar facilities over recent years had bred familiarity with the odor of disinfectant coupled with a palpable aura of worry and anticipation. However, her current condition made the circumstances more uncomfortable than they would have been otherwise. Jack was going to pay big time when this was over.
She wasn't supposed to end up in the hospital for another couple of weeks. She was supposed to spend the evening sorting through the various gifts she had received at the baby shower that afternoon, putting away the new clothes, organizing the rest of the baby's room, getting thank you notes written. Instead, the house had been left in a state of disarray with wrapping paper on the floor and food on the countertop. She now found herself uncomfortably situated in a local emergency room.
Yep, Jack was dead meat. It was mostly his fault, anyway.
The afternoon had gone surprisingly well. A few weeks earlier Captain Tricia Hensley had been shocked - almost offended - to learn that there were no plans for a baby shower. She had demanded a guest list by the end of the week and instructed Sam to leave an upcoming Saturday open. Sam had just that hoped whatever Tricia was planning was tamer than the bachelorette party the captain had orchestrated for Lieutenant Shriver. Innovative thinker that she was, Sam would never have come up with as creative uses for jell-o as the male strippers hired for the occasion had.
Fortunately for Sam, the shower had been simple and tame. The women Sam knew from work mixed well with her friends from off-base and Sam was surprised by how much she enjoyed the party's traditional goings-on. Tricia had created a perfect mix of fun and frivolity. If she ever chose to leave her career as a weapons specialist, Sam hoped that party planning would be her next endeavor.
The sole interruption came when they summoned the boys, who had been banished to the basement to repair the mercurial water heater, to clear the room of the unwrapped gifts. Sam knew perfectly well that the three of them would poke at the water heater for five minutes tops before getting bored and giving up. Correction: Jack would poke at it with one unsuitable tool or another while Daniel would stand to the side, pontificating about the history of indoor plumbing or something equally as tedious, until he realized no one was listening. He would proceed to mock, ridicule, and question whatever Jack was doing until Jack would turn on him with the tool in hand. Teal'c would then step in, from his spot in the corner where he had before been reminding himself why this existence was better than that as Apophis's first prime, and remove the tools from the others' reach, insisting that they find another activity with which to occupy their time.
Sam knew perfectly well that she would spend the next day fixing the heater herself.
So she had to bite her lip when the three emerged from the stairwell covered with deliberate grease smears, stretching and dusting their hands off as though they had been toiling for hours. Daniel and Teal'c had felt the need the remove their shirts, apparently having worked up a sweat while involved in their manly pursuits. Jack found his way over to her first while the other two went straight for the gifts, strategically flexing and posing in front of Sam's guests.
"Where'd you get the grease?" Sam asked him.
"You left the pieces of your bike that need cleaning on the table."
"And all this time you've been-?"
"Resident Evil."
"Hm. I would have guessed whatever Final Fantasy you're on."
"Daniel wanted to, but Teal'c beat it last week."
Once Daniel and Teal'c finished strutting, the three men returned to their subterranean exile. After watching their retreat, Sam turned back to her guests only to be met with a sea of silent stares.
"Well, Sam, I knew your team was close, I just didn't realize you keep them as a harem locked in the basement!" one of the base nurses began. "I am impressed though, they seem very well trained."
"Oh, quiet, you," Sam laughed, "I'm not their keeper."
"No?" Captain Hensley weighed in. "What about the Colonel?"
"He's my husband, that doesn't count."
"Fine," Tricia continued, "but as far as I can tell Dr. Jackson hasn't dressed himself since he...came back from his trip."
"Hey, you all remember what Daniel wore before he a-... went away. I'm doing us all a favor by taking him shopping." Sam didn't feel it necessary to add that she had also decorated his new house.
"And what about Teal'c?" Lieutenant Chin interjected. "I was there when you told Sergeant Harriman to route all Teal'c's internet purchases through you for final approval."
"I'm just looking out for him!" Sam protested. A curious alien with nothing else to spend his Air Force-supplied income on was not a good combination.
Her guests seemed less than convinced.
Sam had awoken a few hours later, sprawled out on the couch she had crashed on after the women left. Looking around she realized that the boys had yet to keep their promise to take care of the post-party clean-up. An unnatural silence pervaded the house. Sam knew what three men playing video games sounded like, and this was not it.
Maneuvering herself up off the couch, Sam ambled towards the basement door, hoping the boys wouldn't be so involved in their game that she would have to descend the stairs to get their attention. Stairs were less than enjoyable when you couldn't see the three steps ahead of you because of the extra twenty pounds attached to your front.
She opened the door and was prepared to yell down in hopes of startling the boys out of their PlayStation-induced stupor, only to pause at the sound of hushed whispers. She crept partway down the staircase, stopping so she was still hidden from view.
"Jack, it's not gonna work."
"Yes it is, Daniel, if I just apply a little more force here..."
"Hey, that hurts! And stop acting like you understand the physics behind this enough to be able to fix it."
"I spend enough time around Sam, I'm sure some of it has rubbed off. Let me just yank this..."
"No! Get away! Sam's the only one who's allowed to yank anything from this point on!"
Silence.
"Daniel, Carter had better not be yanking anything, or you're gonna lose more than that hand."
"I am not losing my hand! We can break this instead!"
"No way, if Sam finds out we broke her new toy five minutes after she got it she'll kill us."
"Us? It's not our fault. You're the one who took it out of the box to `test it out.' I just asked how it worked. You swore it was child-proof and there was no way something like this could happen!"
"Yeah, I said it was child-proof, not Daniel-proof."
"O'Neill, Daniel Jackson, should we not focus our efforts on extracting Daniel Jackson's hand without causing further injury before Major Carter becomes aware of the situation?"
It was then that Sam noticed a white trail on the floor, starting at the foot of the stairs and heading around the corner. Upon closer examination, the trail actually resembled sausages three or four times the size of the largest normal sausage, linked together. Oh, they didn't...
Sam continued her descent as rapidly as possible, no longer attempting to hide her presence. She rounded the corner and confronted the room's occupants. Jack's cringe expressed a blatant fear, while Teal'c wore the smirk he used in place of an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt, and Daniel...just looked like he was in pain. Her gaze then trailed down his outstretched arm. A circular, white piece of plastic enveloped his hand. She could see his four fingers awkwardly sticking out through the hole in the middle; however, his thumb was still crushed between his hand and the plastic.
"Please tell me that is not the top to my brand-new Diaper Genie."
The boys had the good sense not to respond.
The bottom of the device lay abandoned on the floor and Sam could see the trail of diaper-sausages ending inside.
Fixing her husband with a look that told him she would deal with him later and throwing a similar look in Teal'c's direction for good measure, Sam tried to figure out a way to remove Daniel's hand. Unfortunately, there was already some bruising appearing around the base of his thumb.
Only Daniel could dislocate his thumb on a glorified trash can.
Sam had realized they would need a doctor to keep from injuring the thumb further. If they had headed to the base, the problem probably could have been dealt with immediately, assuming there were no medical emergencies.
Daniel, however, insisted they not bother the SGC infirmary with his personal problem. Mostly, Daniel was afraid of the base grapevine.
Instead, they went to a local emergency room, and Sam had spent the last four hours uncomfortably seated in a molded plastic waiting room chair, contemplating ways she could off her husband and her two "dear friends" without getting caught.
So far, death by weed whacker seemed most gratifying, although clean up would be a bitch.
Just as Sam was expanding her list of People to Maim to include the person who invented the unopenable plastic packaging for electronics and Ryan Seacrest, a shame-faced Daniel entered the room, followed by an ER doctor. They both stopped in front of Sam.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry" the doctor began, solemnly. "We were unable to save the lid."
The apologetic doctor handed Sam three pieces of plastic while Daniel cradled his bandaged hand to his chest. Jack jumped in to ask about taking Daniel home before Sam could take her frustration out on the doctor.
"Sam, I'm really sorry. I'll get you a new one, don't even worry about it."
"Whatever, Daniel, let's just go."
Undeterred, Daniel continued, "Look on the bright side: we now know we can get from your house to the nearest emergency room in under ten minutes in case mini-you decides to make a rapid appearance."
He gave her a brilliant, mildly drug-induced, smile.
It was going to be a long month.
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