Five More Months
Five More Months
by purplepenguin1013
Summary: Another chapter in a monthly chronicle of Sam's pregnancy
Category: Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: FAM
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2005-02-06
Sam approached her teammates, adjusting the bag on her shoulder. Teal'c stood stoically, surreptitiously surveying their surroundings. A caffeine-deprived Daniel peered owlishly through his glasses, waiting for instructions that he would most likely ignore anyways. Sam turned towards the Colonel as he began to speak.
"All right, just standard recon today. I've compiled a list of our objectives, here," he said, handing a folder to Sam and keeping an identical one for himself. "Danny and I will investigate this half, while the two of you can take these."
Sam stared down at the government-issue folder in her hands. Opening the folder, she took notice of the meticulous care and planning that must have gone into creating this itinerary. The first page contained a table of contents of their goals, while the subsequent pages outlined each objective in further detail.
Now, had this been a mission to an uninhabited world that showed possibility of possessing valuable resources, or an assignment to infiltrate a Goa'uld mothership, she would have been surprised, to say the least, at the time and attention that Jack had put into creating this document. He preferred to leave the task of painstakingly organizing the team's intentions on paper to others (usually Daniel or herself), while he took on the role of the fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants-space-cowboy who saved the planet in the nick of time, all with a sickeningly self-assured smirk plastered across his face.
Yes, this was the man who had attempted to convince the last president that reducing the SGC's mission report requirements would save enough paper to allow the politician to fulfill his campaign promises concerning the environment. However, due to the nature of their current task, Sam found herself not the least bit shocked at what Jack felt deserved both his undivided attention and the use of government supplies.
With a sigh of resignation, Sam looked up, letting her eyes wash over the large bubble letters adorning the sign visible from three highway exits away:
Babyworld.
From the moment the strip turned blue, this pregnancy had essentially been a group event. Thus, when it came time to consider what material items would be needed to raise a child in the 21st century, it was inevitable that the four of them would together go shopping. Hence the presence of one over-prepared colonel, one inquisitive alien, one bleary-eyed multiple PhD, and one wary mother-to-be in the parking lot of Colorado Springs's largest baby supply store at nine o'clock one Saturday morning.
"Carter, growing roots? Time's a-wasting, let's go," the Colonel positively chirped.
Old habits die hard, and it was amusing to see the various reactions garnered when strangers saw orders and "yessirs" being exchanged between people wearing matching wedding bands. Just last week, Sam had barely managed to convince a man who could have rivaled Teal'c in stature that no, her husband did not need to be taught a lesson in how to treat women. She had, however, left him to his own devices when they were overheard by a gaggle of feminist divorcees. The sheer look of terror and entrapment on his face was worth the silent treatment she had received afterwards.
Taking a deep breath, she readjusted her purse and securely tucked the folder under her arm as she moved quickly to catch up with her teammates.
"Ok, let's meet back here in one hour to compare our findings," the Colonel said as the automatic doors parted before them "Good luck."
After forty-five minutes of shopping, Sam was reminded why she generally opted to let Jack and Daniel take charge of educating Teal'c in various matters of Earth culture. She had a feeling that her explanation of infant cognitive development had done little to assuage the Jaffa's confusion as to the rationale behind a multi-colored musical mobile. The first twenty minutes in the store had been spent in the clothing section, where Sam attempted to answer questions along the lines of, "Major Carter, for what purpose does a human child require shoes that emit light upon impacting a solid surface?" When they had passed an aisle containing breast pumps she quickly interjected, "Ask Colonel O'Neill later," before the alien could begin his inevitable string of inquiries.
Looking up, Sam noticed her husband and Daniel admiring and arguing in front of a display of cribs and bassinettes. Salvation! She marched purposefully towards the pair, stopping between them.
"Hi guys, how's it going?"'
"Oh, hey, Sam," Daniel replied. "We're doing pretty well, about halfway through our list." Sam looked at the open folder in his hands, recognizing Daniel's tiny script in the margins. She even saw a few words written in Jack's messy scrawl. "We're taking notes about the different products and features and prices so we can make a more informed decision later." he told her proudly.
"I see" Sam responded faintly, unconsciously moving her own, barely opened folder, behind her back. "I'm doing pretty well, also, but Teal'c had some questions about strollers, and I thought that since you have that item on your list you two would be better equipped to help him out? I could meet up with you three in another 45 minutes?"
She looked ahead hoping they wouldn't question her lame excuse or notice the wrinkle in her brow that appeared only when her patience had worn thin.
"No problem, T," Jack said, clapping his hand on the large alien's shoulder. "We were headed there next, anyways. You've gotta see the Babybuggy 3000, it's got storage pockets on both sides, an adjustable height mechanism, and this stair-climbing thingy that..."
Victory! She breathed a sigh of relief as she watched the three retreating forms but was sobered at the thought of what they would choose as an appropriate stroller without her. She would end up with something bigger than her car and more complicated that her naquada reactor. Hopefully, Teal'c's incessant questions would prevent them from purchasing anything.
Half an hour later, Sam was feeling much more optimistic. She had gotten through most of her list and felt that she had a fairly good picture of what she would want and need regarding the baby. She had wandered back to the clothing section and found herself fingering the tiny outfits, allowing her thoughts to wander. Her reverie was interrupted when she heard her name over the store's loudspeaker:
"Would customer Samantha Carter please come to the service desk located near the entrance of the store. Customer Samantha Carter to the service desk."
The outfit she was holding fell to the floor as Sam reached for her cell phone. The immediate logical explanation was that the base needed her, and if her phone wasn't working properly, they would call Jack, who would know how to find her. She flipped open the device, perplexed to find it was operating normally. She looked around to get her bearings, realizing that the service desk was on the opposite end of the store from where she was. She began the trek, speed dialing the base at the same time, asking to be patched through to the control room.
Her worry increased as the phone rang a third time and still no one answered. The flustered voice that finally responded to her call only heightened her concern.
"Uh, hello...I mean, Control Room, Siler speaking."
"Sergeant!" Sam replied hurriedly, pausing in her tracks. "Is everything alright? Were you trying to get a hold of me?"
"Um-" Sam pulled the phone away from her ear as Siler's voice faded and a resounding smack echoed through the speaker, as though the receiver on the other side had been dropped. "Sorry, ma'am, slippery fingers. I, uh, no, no one tried to call you, we are fine, everything's normal..."
Sam narrowed her eyes, listening to the background noise occurring twenty-eight levels underneath a mountain. Was that-? No, it couldn't be; they had been warned. The excited cheer that she heard next clinched it, however.
"Siler, I certainly hope you and the techs aren't using the gate ramp for jello wrestling again. After Simmons nearly lost his head when no one was clean enough to close the iris against that incoming wormhole, I thought you had learned your lesson."
"Ma'am, we'll get that cleaned up right away."
"See that you do," she finished sternly, snapping her phone shut.
Evidently, the base was not trying to reach her.
She continued across the store, intent on reaching her destination. She passed displays of toys, books, and furniture, but stopped short when she encountered what must have at one point been the stroller display.
A scene of carnage lay before her. Everything from stroller wheels and handles to tiny screws and nuts and bolts lay strewn across the floor. An entire row of shelving appeared to have fallen over and now leaned precariously against the adjacent shelf. Sam gulped, praying that an unexpected miniature tornado had caused the destruction. The store was large enough; maybe it had its own weather patterns? However, deep in her stomach, she had a feeling that the blame would lie with something or someone much more familiar to her.
Her suspicions were confirmed as she turned a corner to find herself at the service desk. She locked eyes first with Daniel, whose face immediately colored as he ashamedly averted his eyes from her steely gaze. She glanced at Teal'c, who usually acted like the supervisor in such situations, keeping the other two out of trouble. However, this time the man stood aloof, his nose turned up in the air in an almost haughty manner, uncharacteristic of the normally modest Jaffa. She then turned towards her husband, raising a questioning eyebrow, and pursing her lips into a thin line. He offered nothing but met her stare with an equally formidable scowl, arms crossed over his chest. Was that blood on his arm? Sam closed her eyes for a moment, regaining her composure before looking to the fourth figure.
"Sir, I apologize for their actions. We will pay for the damages and-"
"Thank you" the decidedly pissed off store manager cut her off. "We will send you a bill. I just ask now that you please remove them from the premises." With that he, turned on his heel and stalked off, leaving Sam to herd her boys towards the exit and away from the prying eyes of curious onlookers.
Once outside, Sam stopped and stood with her arms crossed over her chest, waiting for the other three to realize she was no longer with them. Teal'c noticed her absence first and stopped abruptly, reaching an arm out to each of the other two, gaining their attention. They turned slowly to face the Major.
"Well?" she asked.
The three exchanged glances, clearly attempting to decide who should try to explain what had happened. Daniel found himself under the gaze of all three others and scrunched his nose in annoyance. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, searching his extensive vocabulary for the words that would put their actions in the best light.
"You see, Sam, the three of us were talking, and we realized that our choice of stroller would be one of the most important purchases. We went through the various factors that would have to be considered in getting a stroller perfectly tailored to our needs."
"Daniel, an intensive discussion did not cause the damage I saw in there."
"No, I'm getting to that..." he trailed off, unwilling to continue. Jack picked up instead.
"We decided that the best way to pick a stroller would be to test them. You know, do an experiment. Like scientists. I thought you'd appreciate us using a foolproof method to pick the best stroller for our baby!"
Sam interrupted, "Dear, foolproof implies that even an idiot couldn't mess it up."
Jack winced at the insult, realizing his attempted flattery had backfired.
Seeing his friend in trouble, Daniel tried again. "So, um, we each picked our favorite and, um, tested them for the various factors that we thought would be most important-"
"How did you test them?"
"Well, it depended on what we were testing for-"
"What factors did you test for?"
"Oh, stuff like strength and speed-"
"How did you test strength?"
Silence.
"Sorry, Daniel, I didn't hear that."
Properly chastised, he spoke in a small voice "We climbed to the top of the shelves and dropped them from above."
Almost afraid to hear more, Sam continued, struggling to keep her voice even. "And how did you test for speed?"
Somewhere a bird squawked. A car backfired. A light breeze ruffled the leaves on the trees.
"We raced them, Major Carter," Teal'c spoke up. "In each trial, my vehicle displayed superior velocity, agility, and acceleration. I was victorious." A smug grin slowly stretched across the Jaffa's face. "In the final run, Colonel O'Neill and Daniel Jackson were unable to maintain control of their chosen vehicles. The results of their collision drew the attention of the management."
Well, that explained the blood.
"Now, that's not true-"
"No, you didn't-"
Sam stared as the three began to argue amongst themselves.
It was going to be a long five months.
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