"Welcome back, SG-11. Welcome home, Dr. Jackson." As Jack would say--yeah, sure ya betcha. I shake my head, amused by my own thoughts. A mission with another team, a little time to get out on my own for a while and what did I do? I channeled my teammates for the entire week. I think I'm even getting the Teal'c eyebrow thing down. I quickly drag my attention back to General Hammond, waiting patiently at the foot of the ramp. I can feel the frown forming on my face. Hammond's expression is...slightly odd. He seems concerned, yet at the same time relieved. "Dr. Jackson?"
"Ah, yes...is something wrong?" I stop in front of the general, searching the familiar face for a clue. "SG-1?"
"The rest of your team had to make an unscheduled return to Juna."
"Ah." Fascinating place and not nearly enough time to study it because we were busy overthrowing Heru'Ur's Jaffa. "But...they're okay?"
"They're fine. Everything's just fine now." Hammond is practically beaming. What's up with that? "We'll debrief at 1600 hours. Dismissed." He claps me on the shoulder and walks out of the gate room. Ooookay. I drag my sweaty, dirty body to the infirmary along with SG-11. I'm praying Janet doesn't find some strange something or other because all I can think about is a really, really long shower. I've spent a lot of my life in deserts and I've adapted to that environment. Tropical humidity, on the other hand, just does nothing for me. And P4C-233 was a lush, hot, humid rainforest. Lovely, really, and the people were amazing--obviously descendants of the indigenous peoples of the Amazonian basin. But, call me a wimp (shut up, Jack), I was glad when it was time to leave. I'm seriously afraid that some sort of lower life form was starting to grow in my never completely dry boots. The nurse who greets us in the infirmary does so with a wrinkled up nose. She quickly ushers us to the nearby gurneys, and orders us to exchange our BDUs for hospital gowns. She'll get no argument from me. Moments later I hear the tap-tap-tap of Dr. Frasier's shoes as she enters the room.
"Good god, what is that smell?"
"The joys of jungle rot," Lt. Frye calls out from his berth. "Right now, I'm really hoping it's confined to our clothes."
"Nothing worse than that, I hope?" asks Janet. Funny, she sounds a little apprehensive. I hear the rattle of the curtains as she apparently goes down the row--and suddenly, there she is. And she's got that same look Hammond did. "Daniel."
"Yeah?" I drop my boots to the floor, hoping that Janet will declare them a health hazard and have them burned.
"It's good to see you back, Dr. Jackson."
"I've only been gone a week," I point out. She just gets busy with the routine post-mission physical. It's a little unnerving. It's not that Janet isn't usually very kind to me. When I'm not disobeying orders that is. But...she's being downright solicitous this time. Jack would have a heart attack on the spot if he could see her right now. Janet makes a point of being at her most intimidating when Jack's around. Let's face it, on her worst day Frasier can out macho Jack on his best day. It's not for nothing that he calls her Napoleon. Which is entirely beside the point--something must have happened to SG-1. "Janet, what's wrong?" I'm getting desperate for answers here. "Jack? Sam? Is Teal'c okay?"
"Wrong?" She appears truly puzzled. "As far as I know, SG-1 is fine. Everything's fine." Um...that's exactly what Hammond said. It's obvious to me now that the SGC has been taken over by pod people. "Daniel, relax. There's nothing wrong. Now, hit the showers. That's an order." She pats me on the leg. My dirty, sweaty, possible inhabited by hordes of lower life forms leg. Jeez, Janet, you're a doctor. You should know better than to touch that without gloves. I wouldn't and it's mine. "I strongly suggest a strong disinfectant." Don't have to tell me twice.
A bare five minutes later I'm making a beeline for the SG-1 locker room. I snagged some scrubs before leaving the infirmary. The thought of putting that uniform back on, even if only for the short trip down the hall, made my skin crawl. At least I hope that's the only thing making my skin crawl. The alternative, leaving on the infirmary gown and leaving my behind far too exposed, just wasn't acceptable. I'm drawn to that shower like a bee to honey, but I wonder--if the SGC has been taken over by pod people then shouldn't I do something about it? Shower or save the world? Save the world or shower? What most people, including myself until I came to work here, don't realize is that hardest part about saving the world isn't the part you might think. The big moment, that finite point in time when a word or an act can change the course of history, that's not so hard. I mean, you're there, you either do it or you don't, and then it's over. No, the hard part about saving of the world is the little day to day things. Like kissing arrogantly superior alien butt, eating MREs that all taste like chicken, or not having routine access to indoor plumbing. Shower or save the world? I'm thinking--well, okay, rationalizing--that so far the pod people have been really very nice--so would it really be such a big deal for me to clean up before saving the world? Maybe... Who the hell...? "Harlan?" The rotund little man--android--whirls around at the sound of my voice. He looks like he's going to faint. Can androids faint? After a second he recovers.
"Dr. Jackson, you have returned safely from your mission. Comtrya!" "Yeah, comtrya to you, too, Harlan." He's got that look on his face--like Hammond and Frasier. The concerned/relieved look. Can androids be turned into pod people, too? Maybe not...there's something else in his expression, something more, something...sad. "Harlan, why are you here? What's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine." It's definite. He is a pod person...android. Just then Hammond comes storming around the corner followed closely by a couple of armed SFs. He shouts at Harlan, who cringes and bows. Hammond hustles him away, sparing me no more than a quick glance. What on earth is Harlan doing on Earth? I thought our doubles were supposed to bury their gate. Of course, if they're as good at following orders as we are.... Entering the locker room I quickly shed the scrubs and rummage through my cubby. I reach for the shower gel and stop. I don't want anything that is in any way, shape, or form tropical. My current supply is all leaning in that direction. I scoot over to Sam's cubby. She won't mind. Heck, she won't know and besides she's the one who got me started on this stuff. Ah, here we go. Mountain flower. I can hear Jack now. He'd have a cow. Don't care--I'm practically quivering at the thought of smelling something other than tropical fruit and salt sea air, and, well--mildew. I grab my towel and hit the first stall. Mindful of Janet's advice, I do a thorough scrub down with the astringent anti-bacterial soap the SGC provides. And, ow, not only does it smell bad but--ow! --It's a little harsh on the more sensitive areas of my body. I figure I've left it on long enough and quickly rinse it, and any unwelcome passengers I may have picked up, down the drain. I pour a dollop of Sam's shower gel in my hand. Oh, yeah! Happily soaping myself from head to foot I start to sing. Hey, Jack does it and if there's anyone who shouldn't sing--anywhere--it's Jack. Teal'c and I finally had to start fighting back. And we've learned to play dirty. The first time Teal'c sang in the shower I thought I was going to die trying not to laugh at the expression on Jack's face. It's not that Teal'c has a bad voice. Really--he has a very soothing, melodic bass singing voice. No, it's the songs he chooses. Chulak folk songs. To be perfectly honest, I'm not crazy about them myself. However, Jack is so annoyed that I encourage Teal'c. In fact, when it was my turn to add to the antagonism, I chose folk songs, too. Backfired at first--how was I supposed to guess that Jack would like Abydonian music? So, the next time I picked some, forgive me, really awful (to western ears) atonal tribal music. Worked like a charm.
Today I can indulge my real taste in music and really throw myself into the 'performance'. I almost don't hear the voices out in the locker room in time. "Is that Daniel?" Oh, my god, Sam? I hear a nearly subsonic rumbling that just has to be Teal'c. Then I hear footsteps. I snap out of my frozen panic at the last minute, grabbing my towel and just barely covering myself before Jack sweeps the curtain away with a dramatic flourish. Jack, Sam, and Teal'c are all standing there staring at me. I've got a towel just barely draping the important areas, suds dripping all over my body and my hair still lathered into soapy tufts.
"Do you mind?" I ask a little testily. Uh oh, they've all got that look. "What?"
"Nothing--it's just really good to see you, Daniel," says Sam. Seeing way too much of me I'm thinking.
"Everything's fine now, Daniel," adds Jack. That's it. I stamp my foot, sending a spout of water across Jack's boots.
"You're pod people, too!" Well, that wiped the 'look' right off their faces. Jack's right eyebrow and Teal'c's left both sit up and take notice. Sam just frowns.
"Pod people?" Jack asks.
"That's my current theory." Jack's other eyebrow starts climbing. "Everyone's been acting weird since I came back from P4C-233. They all have that 'look' and tell me everything's fine, now, Dr. Jackson. Good to have you home." Jack's expression softens. Huh?
"They're right," says Jack as he steps into the shower stall--mind you, the shower's still running--and hugs me. Double huh. Next thing I know Sam's pushing Jack out of the way and she's hugging me. I automatically go to return her embrace, remembering only in the nick of time that at least one hand must maintain control of the towel. When Sam steps back, Teal'c steps in. Oh, my. Oh..."Teal'c, you're injured." He just smiles as he claps his big paw on my shoulder.
"I will be fine, DanielJackson. My symbiote has already repaired much of the damage." If this is better, I'd hate to have seen the original injury. Teal'c makes a slight bow and steps back behind Jack.
"What is going on? What happened?" Please, somebody tell me something. Just then a cascade of bubbles finally slithers over my eyebrow and--"Argh!"--into my eye. Instinctively I grab at my face. Fortunately for me, Jack has quick reflexes. He manages to grab my towel and preserve what little dignity I still possess.
"Ah, Carter, maybe you should wait outside?" I can hear the amusement in his voice. And in Sam's when she agrees. I hear Teal'c's heavy tread as he follows her. Jack turns me around and holds my face under the spray until the soap is out of my eye. "Finish up," he says when I can see again. "We'll wait for you. Got a heck of a story." No kidding. I hurry to rinse off. Jack's voice catches me by surprise again as he calls my name. I look up in time to see jeans, a T-shirt, and a new dry towel being draped over the stall.
"Uh, thanks, Jack."
"Yeah, sure ya betcha." Well, whatever is going on, Jack seems to be in a good mood. Of course, that could just be another sign he's been podded. I towel off and gather my stuff. Uh oh--no way I'm letting Jack see this. I wrap the bottle of shower gel in my towel. I'll return it to Sam's locker after they're gone. Finally, I rejoin my teammates.
"So?" I say as I toss my towel in my locker.
"Give that to me," snaps Jack. "It's wet." Know that--keep your hands off. Guess Jack reads my expression correctly because he quickly backs off.
"So," says Sam. Nope, too tired to play this game.
"Just tell me already." I yank some clean socks and my shoes out of my locker. "And what's Harlan doing here?"
"Harlan? Here? You sure about that?" asks Jack all false innocence.
"Bald guy, says comtrya a lot." Jack just looks at Sam and Teal'c. "Look, just explain to me why everyone keeps looking like I've risen from the dead. Again."
"That's because you did...kind of."
"Huh?"
"Harlan came to the SGC for help," explains Sam. "Our clones were going on missions."
"Why?"
"Because they're...us." "Oh." Duh. "They got into trouble."
"How?"
"Because they're us," Jack snipes. Again--oh. "They went to Juna."
"Well, I can see how that might be a little disconcerting for Darien and his people but...." "Juna had been taken over by Chronos," says Teal'c. Oh. That would be more than a little disconcerting. "The robot DanielJackson, Major Carter, and Teal'c were captured by his Jaffa."
"So they needed to be rescued," I surmise as I bend over to tie my shoes.
"Carter and Teal'c did. Daniel was already dead." I nearly fall off the bench in shock. This is...strange.
"Um...how?" Jack scowls at me. He can't believe I actually want to know.
"He was decapitated," Teal'c announces. "Oh." Jack was right. Bad idea. I think I'm going to be sick. Sam puts a gentle hand on my shoulder, her face concerned. Don't mind me. Just having a near death experience by proxy. Jack picks up the tale. I'm fairly certain he's not giving me all the details but I get the picture. I regain my equilibrium in the meantime.
"Okay, I can see that this was not the most pleasant experience. But I still don't get why everyone's acting weird with me. You, I mean, they all died."
"Yeah," says Jack. "It was strange seeing the other Carter go down. But I knew the real one was fine." One last time and all together--Oh! Jack, Sam, and Teal'c could reassure themselves about each other but I wasn't there. They saw one dead Daniel Jackson, no live ones. "I don't know. We collected the bodies. Maybe Harlan can do something with O'Neill, Carter, and Teal'c." Jack shrugs. I get the impression he's ambivalent about the idea.
"Um, what about me?" Sam grimaces. Even Teal'c looks a little disturbed.
"You were kind of a mess," says Jack.
"The power pack the robots used to travel off of 989 had a self destruct," says Sam. "In case of tampering."
"And?"
"They tampered," Jack explains. "One of Chronos' goa'uld lackeys got a little too up close and personal." Jack gestures expressively. "Boom."
"Story of my life," I mutter.
"Your head came out of it okay," offers Jack. Sorry, that does not help. "I thought about bringing it back."
"Excuse me?" I blurt out. Sam gives Jack a suspicious look. "Ah...why?" "Was going to have it mounted. For my den." I can't believe he said that.
"Sir?" Sam's outraged on my behalf.
"That...uh...that's seriously twisted, even for you, Jack."
"Thanks." No shame at all. "Hey, but we did get a honkin' big goa'uld spaceship out of the deal."
"Ha'tak?" I ask.
"Bless you," says Jack.
"Indeed, DanielJackson. It is in fact Chronos' command ship," says Teal'c with a gleam in his eye. Jeez, flyboys and their toys. An overhead page interrupts our strange reunion. "Guess we should go talk to Harlan," Jack says to Sam. "Teal'c, better get to the infirmary." Teal'c nods and leaves. Sam gives Jack one more disgusted look (like that's ever going to stop him) and makes her exit. "Daniel?"
"What?" Sorry, I seem to have taken root here.
"You okay?"
"Fine, I'm...a little weirded out. But fine." The mental image of my head stuck on Jack's wall alone will give me nightmares for weeks. "Go on. I'll catch up with you in a couple of minutes." I finally detach my butt from the bench. Jack gives me a little smile and starts for the door. As I turn to my locker I hear Jack pause behind me.
"Ah, Daniel?"
"What?" I look back at him.
"Mountain Flower?" Oh, he didn't. Jack grins maliciously. "Busted," he crows and he's out the door. I wonder if robot Daniel had to put up with this. I suppose he did. He had my personality and robot Jack had Jack's. His Jack probably tormented him as much as mine does me.
I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.