Inside the Dragon's Egg
Having Teal'c and Daniel in the house tended to lift her spirits at the same time their presence evoked a hungry longing for the life she'd left behind. They visited whenever the opportunity arose which wasn't enough, not by a long shot. But, it was frequently enough that, when they did show up, Ally wasn't driven to hide in corners or run frantically through the house in a panic at their unfamiliar presence in the house; Jacob greeted them with excited prattle instead of shy silence; and even Peter seemed to recognize them. He would gaze at them with his huge, brown eyes and give them a milky grin while they talked and laughed and made themselves at home in her living room.
Usually they gave her plenty of warning, but they'd arrived bright and early this morning without even a call from the airport. She'd hastily pulled on a pair of baggy sweats and ran her fingers through her short, unruly hair in an ineffectual attempt to appear halfway presentable before she opened the door to them. Unfortunately, the house was no better. Yesterday had been a long day, and she hadn't even made a stab at picking things up before she'd collapsed into her bed the night before. Toys, books, and small articles of clothing lay haphazardly over the floor and furniture. Too delighted at seeing them to be more than slightly embarrassed at the state of her house, she teased, "You should have let me know you were coming. Next time you'll know better."
When the doorbell rang again, the shared glance between Teal'c and Daniel clued her into something going on , but she was totally unprepared to open her door to the general. He grinned into her shocked face with a satisfied expression of his own. She hadn't seen him since she'd left him frozen in Antarctica over four years ago, and he'd changed a lot in that time. No longer her colonel but general to the whole base. It showed in his eyes even though one of the few trips he'd taken through the Gate since his promotion had seen to it that it didn't show in his face. Daniel had inadvertently set off the right alien device for a change, and the general had lost-or in this case gained--a good fifteen years as a result. Knowing him, he hadn't appreciated it, but he looked great.
But that wasn't why she gaped at him like he was from another planet. Regardless of the color of his hair, he was the last person she'd expected to ever find on her doorstep. When the Asgard had brought him back from his last Ancient headtrip, he'd sent a belated, wedding gift of silver picture frames she'd never used. By then she'd been gone from the SGC for three months and married just as long. He'd sent flowers for her following each birth and gifts for each of the babies-a baseball and bat for Ally, hockey equipment for Jacob, and a golf set for Peter. Irreverent and comical birthday and Christmas greetings and gifts had arrived each year with his name scrawled on the cards. Every couple of months up until Pete's death, she'd received postcards from out of the way places--who knew where he'd gotten them--inscribed 'Wish you were here.' But, that had been it.
In all that time, he'd never even spoken to her by phone. He'd had Janet call her the few, odd times it looked like Daniel or Teal'c weren't going to make it and left it to them or Janet to let her known when they did. He'd had Walter call her if her dad was coming to 'town', and Siler if they needed her input on whatever technical problems came up on base that couldn't wait for her to get the official request and handle through her new position here. He'd been at the funeral-she'd seen his name scrawled in the visitor's book--but he'd snuck in and out without a word.
She'd accepted his absence in her life as inevitable and permanent. She'd thought marriage, three kids, and an entire life separate from him and the Stargate program had erased the hold he had on her.
She'd been wrong.
"Your walking papers, Carter," he said after one more awkward moment of many they'd shared through the years. "Thought I'd take the liberty of delivering them myself." He held out the sealed, yellow envelope in explanation, and she finally understood what he was doing at her door.
Severing her final connection with the Air Force had been difficult. One more thing in a long list of things that had had to be done. She'd cried when she'd filled in the paperwork but remaining in the reserves had no longer been an option. Pete would have managed if she had been called to active duty. It would have been difficult, but with the help of his parents he would have muddled through.
But, with him gone...his parents loved all the kids, and they would manage with the boys if it came to it. The same for Mark and his wife. But, Ally. For all they wanted to love her, Ally had never allowed any of them into her world. Pete had barely made it through the Gate, and no one else had even been allowed up the ramp. Leaving her daughter for the few hours she occasionally lectured or had to actually go in to work instead of networking through her computer was difficult enough. Going on active duty would be an act of abandonment and betrayal she wasn't capable of performing. So, she'd reluctantly turned in the papers that would forever shut the door on Major Samantha Carter of the United States Air Force. And now here they were on her doorstep signed, sealed, and delivered.
With a smile she didn't feel, she reached out a reluctant hand and accepted them. "Thank you, Sir," she said. "Come in." He followed her in and nodded at the guys. Gallantly ignoring the debris the kids had left scattered over the floor, he flopped into the nearest chair.
"Better look them over and make sure they're right," he said helpfully. "You know how these things are."
She'd rather have burned them, but she obediently sat down and fumbled with the envelope. She drew out the pile of papers and for a few seconds stared dumbly at the golden wedding band sitting on top of them before looking up at him.
He cocked his head at her and raised an eyebrow. "Well?" he asked.
She tore her eyes away from him to look beseechingly at Daniel and Teal'c. Of all people, they understood the precarious nature of the situation. Concern and guilt were written all over Daniel's face, and he gazed back at her wordlessly. There was nothing he could say or do to remedy the situation. Teal'c, however, viewed things differently. He was confidant that this was the right thing and any obstacles and objections could and should be dealt with in order for it to go forward. He returned her despairing look with one of confidence, inclined his head, and said, "O'Neill does not intend to leave until you say yes."
She shook her head hopelessly at the pair of them. Instead of sitting complacently around her living room, they should have been giving her a heads-up and brainstorming ways to derail this disaster before it had been laid at her feet. Instead, they'd let her be blindsided by it and now had no help to offer in its aftermath.
She looked back at the general who said, "Come on, Carter. I'll make sure you won't regret it."
"Saying 'yes' is a bit more complicated than that, Sir," she answered.
"Say it anyway," he told her.
She looked from him to the pictures of her children on the wall behind him. "Ally," she began but then fell silent because after all this time how could she explain Alicia Jane Shanahan to him?
"Hey, I know. Daniel and Teal'c keep me up to date. It'll be all right." The gentle acceptance in his words brought tears welling up. He sounded sincere enough, and she knew if he had a problem with taking on the kids he wouldn't have come. But, her problem wasn't how he would deal with Ally. He'd do as well as anyone could as far as that went. That wasn't the problem at all. She looked for support from Daniel. It was the least he could do, but for once deciding to keep out of her business, he shrugged and refused to meet her eyes.
Oblivious to how off track his thoughts were to her own, the general continued, "You know me and kids. Can't help myself. Besides, she's yours-no way I'm not going to love her." Regardless of Ally's erratic behaviors and her muteness, she knew that was true as well. That too had never been her concern or the reason for her own silence down through the years.
Apparently deciding he'd butt in after all, Daniel said, "Sam's right, Jack. There are-"
"Say 'yes' and there'll be time to hash out all of that later," Jack pressed. "It will all work out," he assured them. She wished she could be so sure. He'd never taken being kept out of the loop well even in the small things like deciding if it was a green or blue day. And this secret they'd kept from him for years was no small thing. She had her doubts he'd ever be able to forgive them. Or himself. Because getting past his righteous anger over being kept in the dark would involve forgiving himself for choices he'd made as well. Choices that in his right mind he'd never have considered worth the cost.
She weakly shook her head one more time. He shook his back. "Don't shake your head at me," he told her. She could see he wasn't quite successfully swallowing down a grin. He thought he'd won, thought since she hadn't immediately told him 'sorry' she'd never find the strength to say it. She was afraid he was right. But, there wasn't just the matter of confessing the truth to him. There was the added danger that up until now they'd managed to avoid by keeping him out of the picture. So far the deception hadn't been questioned, but could they really chance everything in this way? Would their cover hold if they brought all the components into close proximity? She was afraid to take that chance and find out. The stakes were too high, the risk too great, and too much hung in the balance.
Somehow, she needed to find the strength to wipe that grin from his face and soul. Unfortunately, the man had never known when to quit. Though his hair color might have changed, that hadn't. Using his quietest voice he said, "Say yes...or tell me you don't love me and you don't want to marry me!"
She almost groaned in frustration. He knew she couldn't do that. Knew that, all things being what he believed them to be, if he'd forced the issue anytime in the last four years, she'd have left Pete for him. That's why he'd never trusted himself to join the others when they came down to spoil the kids; why he'd sent toys and postcards but never came himself. Just like she'd never taken him up on his offer to take her fishing. Neither of them was that strong.
He said her name quietly. She closed her eyes against his demand and knew he'd won. "OK," she said with a sigh, "Yes." It came out sounding as defeated as she felt. For a brief moment he frowned at her, realizing for the first time that her reservations were greater than he'd understood and that there would be costs to her surrender that he'd been unable to consider because he didn't have all the facts. His frown didn't last though. Neither did his forced nonchalance. With a whoop of delight he rushed over and grabbed her for a quick kiss before rushing to exchange excited back slaps with Teal'c and Daniel. She swayed weakly in the wake of his exuberance with a huge smile of her own as she watched him.
"I told you she'd say yes!" he told them.
"Indeed, you did," Teal'c answered. Daniel just shook his head at him and laughed in spite of himself.
"Oh, get that smile off your face, Jackson! One of these days you're going to get around to doing your own proposing, and then you'll understand what I've just gone through!"
"Ha!" Daniel said, "I thought you weren't worried a bit, Jack? I thought it was as good as done as soon as you decided to pop the question?"
Sam shook her head at them. Saying yes had been as hard as walking away from the SGC. Then, even though she knew she was doing the right thing, she'd been overwhelmed with regret, sorrow, and fear. Now, she felt only relief and happiness. For all her worries, she knew she'd made the right decision. "It was, Daniel," she said with a grin.
He came over to give her a hug. "Don't let him run roughshod over you, Sam...he causes you any grief, you just call me and I'll sic Janet on him."
"I'll do that," she said.
Daniel hugged her a little closer, and she knew what was coming before he spoke. He pulled back to meet her eyes and ignored her silent pleas. "Listen, I don't mean to sound negative or anything. But, don't you think there are things you guys should discuss?"
He'd been talking to her, of course, though it was Jack who answered, "Like what?"
Daniel looked at her expectantly, but she wouldn't give him the go ahead he wanted. He was left floundering for something else to say. "You know... the sort of things people talk about before they agree to spend the rest of their lives together-where you're going to live, are you going to have more kids, things in your pasts that might cause you problems now? That type of thing."
"Nah," Jack said confidently.
"Really?" Daniel said. "You think every thing is just going to fall into place without you even thinking about it?"
Jack gave an exaggerated, aggrieved sigh and then patiently explained, "Everything important has already fallen into place." He grinned at Sam. She grinned back even though she knew Daniel was right.
Daniel sighed. None of them had been fool enough to believe Jack wouldn't one day have to be told. And that the longer they waited, the greater his anger at what he was bound to see as their betrayal would be. He'd never thought keeping the truth from him was the wise thing to do, but Sam had been the one paying the price and that gave her the right to call the shots. He'd done what he could to help her through the years, and he wasn't abandoning her now. He held her eye a moment, trying to let her know he'd stand beside her when things finally did hit the fan. He owed her that much. She'd faced all the other fallout more or less on her own, but, if she let him, maybe he could deflect some of Jack's ire when the time came.
"Well, hello there," Jack suddenly said behind them. They turned to see Ally standing in the doorway. Jack slowly lowered himself down onto one knee and extended his hand slightly toward her. The little girl stood stock-still and looked beyond him as though he didn't exist. Sam grimaced. At least, she hadn't gone into what Pete had called 'rabbit mode' and began to run through the rooms silently screaming her terror of the stranger in her house.
"Sir," Sam said quietly, trying to encourage him to stay still and quiet and let her move around him to gather Ally up into her arms. At the sound of her voice, Ally turned to her and looked into her eyes. Sam smiled. Her daughter really connecting with her rarely happened. Each time it did, it was a wondrous and precious gift to be treasured and held close. "Good morning, Baby," she said to her quietly. Ally cocked her head at her, and then to Sam's amazement turned and looked at the general.
As in, took in his presence. As in, met his eyes and held them. Sam had never seen her daughter look at anyone like she was General O'Neill. She drew in a breath that stuck in her throat. It was almost as if Ally had been waiting for him to come all this time. And, maybe she had. Maybe these years of silence could have been avoided if she'd listened to Daniel all that time ago and not kept them apart. But there had been no choice at the beginning, and by the time there had been...it had already been too late. She'd owed Pete far too much to turn her back on him by then. And it would never have been safe.
Jack looked curiously at the little girl. She was a miniature Carter. Whatever Pete had contributed to her genetic makeup wasn't readily apparent. She had Carter's fair hair and blue eyes. He'd been right, just seeing her, knowing she was Carter's daughter, he loved her. She didn't have her mother's easy smile, and her eyes lacked the aliveness that always shone out of Carter's, but otherwise, she was a dead ringer for her mom.
She looked like a normal enough kid to him. But Carter was holding her breath, and Teal'c and Daniel looked like one false move would break the spell. He knew a lot hung on this moment. He planned on living with this little girl for a long time to come, and he wanted to get off to a good start with her. Unfortunately, he didn't have a clue how. He shrugged off the tenseness he felt from the others and decided there was nothing he could do but be himself. "I'm Jack," he told her. "I'm marrying your mom. We're going to be family."
The little girl turned back to Carter as though asking for permission, and Sam gave her an encouraging nod and smile. He'd understood from what he'd heard that Ally didn't relate appropriately to even Carter, but he figured they did better than what Frasier and the guys had been able to pick up on their occasional visits. When the little girl continued to look at her questioningly, Carter said, "You've heard me talk about Colonel O'Neill...he's a general now, but he's ok."
Ally turned from her then and took a solemn step forward to take his hand. He grinned at her and gently pulled her to him. She closed her eyes and laid her head against his shoulder. He patted her back and ran a hand over her long, blond hair. "Hello, Beautiful," he told her quietly. "You and I are going to get along just fine, aren't we?" He held her close and blinked tears out of his eyes. He'd forgotten what it felt like to hold a warm, little body.
Watching the two of them, the others knew Jack had no idea of the magnitude of the moment. To move toward him, to take his hand, to allow him to hold her...it was all more, much more, than Ally had ever done before with anyone.
"Sam," Daniel said. Jack heard the imploring tone in his voice and knew it boded no good. What was Daniel after anyway, he wondered? "Now would be a good time."
"For what?" Jack asked as he stood up with Ally and looked at the strained faces around him. But then the older boy wandered down the hall. Behind him, the baby called from one of the rooms. Sam shook her head determinably at Daniel and went to get her sons. Daniel shrugged at Jack's raised eyebrows and kicked the wall.
There were no forthcoming answers while in strained silence she went about the business of feeding the older two their breakfast. The little guy sat in a high chair and threw Cheerios on the floor by the handfuls, but as far as Jack could tell he never actually ate any of them. Both the boys looked like little Shanahans just as much as Ally looked like a little Carter. Not that he couldn't have guessed the boys were hers as well. Jacob peered at him with Carter-like intensity, and Peter? Well, he was pretty sure the baby was not just randomly tossing Cheerios but actually conducting some sort of baby physics experiment with them.
Jack gamefully accepted a bowl of some sort of healthy, whole grain, flaky cereal when it became apparent Carter didn't keep her kitchen stocked with real breakfast foods like donuts, left-over cake, or even Fruit Loops. The kids were obviously being deprived of a normal childhood, but he'd soon see to that. He slopped milk into his bowl and bravely sat down between the older two.
Jacob offered him a drink of juice from his sippy cup which Jack politely declined. Ally fluttered between him and her spot at the table until he drew her up onto his lap. He pulled her bowl and cup over for her to reach, but she showed no interest in eating or drinking on her own. Carter leaned over and taking her hand picked up the spoon and led her through a bite or two. After that, the little girl repeated the motion over and over again until Carter removed the spoon from her hand and cleared the now empty bowl.
The others made small talk around them but Carter was subdued and didn't join in. He wasn't certain if it was because of Daniel's yet to be talked about issue, or if she was uncomfortable with him being there and seeing the chaos of her life.
"Aren't you going to eat?" he asked her.
She shook her head. "Sir...I...well, Daniel's right. There are things you need to know. Things that are going to upset you."
He put down his own spoon and gave her his full attention. "Ok...I'll try to hear you out. What's this all about?" he asked.
She threw a desperate look towards Daniel and Teal'c, and Daniel came to her rescue. "How much do you remember about the trip home from Taonas, Jack? After we'd gotten the ZPM?"
"Not a thing...I remember Carter getting bossy and ringing down to the surface but that's where I lose it. Why?" Carter mopped up Jacob's juice and refused to meet his eye. Daniel scratched his head and looked perplexed.
Teal'c took up the challenge. "You are aware of the harcesis, O'Neill?"
"Of course," Jack agreed impatiently, "Sha're's kid born with all the knowledge of the Goa'uld."
"It was your belief that the Ancient knowledge you possessed would also be transferred to your offspring," Teal'c continued.
"My offspring?" he echoed. Carter leaned down and began to pick up Cheerios from the floor, but he saw the tears shining in her eyes before she did so. "Carter!" he said louder than he'd intended. "Tell me I don't understand what he's saying," he ordered. But when she'd straightened up and met his eyes, he knew he did. He shook his head mutely at her as though by doing so he could change things. The child in his arms squirmed until she could turn her face up to his and stared at him.
"I ordered you to..." he couldn't finish his question and couldn't face the answer. He closed his eyes against it and shuddered. Ally tensed on his lap and began to rock back and forth. He patted her knee in an effort to quiet her, but it didn't seem to have any effect.
Carter's answer was just a whisper as though she was as afraid to hear it as he was. "You didn't order me, sir...it was my choice."
He opened his eyes into the wide, blue eyes of her daughter. She looked normal enough all right. But he understood now Carter's little girl wasn't normal, and that hadn't come as a surprise to any of them. He'd condemned her to an existence of anything but normality before she'd even been conceived...and for all of Carter's brave words, it wasn't a choice she should ever have had to make.
"Some choice," he said with regret. Not just for the odd, little creature on his lap, but for this life of scattered Cheerios and diapers and hidden dangers he'd landed Carter in when she should have been fighting Goa'uld, discovering new worlds, and writing papers to turn the established theories of astrophysics on their ear. He swallowed. There was nothing he could say to change things, nothing he could do. Ally, becoming even more agitated, raised her arms out to the sides and began to flap her hands. He tightened his hold around her middle to keep her from slipping off his lap but didn't know how to comfort her anymore than he knew how to comfort himself.
Carter reached over to take the little girl from him, but he wouldn't give her up. Ally didn't seem to be aware of either of them. "I'm sorry," Carter whispered to them both.
Ally gave no evidence she'd heard Carter's words, but he scowled at her in response and growled, "Isn't that my line? I've merrily gone along living my life with never a care in the world, and you've...."
"Lived mine, Sir," she finished for him. She'd managed to fight back the tears, but her voice still held a slight quiver. She wanted to add 'without regret', but it wouldn't have been true.
"And Pete's" he said with a harshness that mirrored his growing anger.
"Pete," she said with certainty, "understood from the beginning. I couldn't tell him the truth, but he understood that I needed him for a cover story...and he was happy enough with that--we were happy." It sounded like a weak protest to Jack, but he could understand how Pete could have been happy in the circumstance--he'd have been if it would have been him. But, it hadn't been. He frowned at her. The tears she was still fighting to hold in kept him from turning the full force of his anger on her like he wanted. Instead, he turned to Daniel and Teal'c.
"And you two? You knew all along?" he demanded. Teal'c continued shoveling grainy cereal into his mouth as though he hadn't eaten in a week. Daniel ducked his head and began to pick up Cheerios. "In fact, you more than knew it, you let it happened, didn't you?" Jack said, his anger escalating as their silence spoke volumes.
Finding her voice, Carter tried to redirect his anger, "I was in charge of the mission, remember? You presented the option; I chose to go with it."
He refused to be baited and continued to stare at his two teammates. "You could have stopped it."
Daniel had thought he was ready to take Jack's wrath, but he wasn't. Because he agreed with Jack. He could have stopped it. He hadn't because he'd believed the Ancient knowledge was the key they needed to win the fight against the Goa'uld and the Replicators and whatever threat they'd come across once those two were gone. Jack would never have made the effort (and it had been a tremendous effort) to bring the possibility up if he hadn't thought it was worth the sacrifice. So his protests had only been half-hearted: his arguments feeble attempts at allaying his own guilt.
He'd assumed and hoped the Jack they knew, the one who would never ask Sam such a thing if there'd been another way, was still in there and knew what he was doing. And maybe he had been. Through the limited means of communication available to him, Jack had indicated that although his human mind couldn't handle the downloaded material it was being swamped with the child would be able to as it grew. It had been too much to expect Ally would be born talking and writing computer code. Still, he for one hadn't bargained for the silent, tormented little girl in Jack's lap. Yet he still had to hope she would grow into the knowledgeable fountain of information he'd sold his soul for back on that Al'kesh.
"I could have, yes," he finally answered. He looked at Sam who tightened her lips and shook her head no. "And maybe I should have." He shrugged. "I believed you wouldn't..." here he did raise his eyes and look directly at Jack.
"Wouldn't what?" Jack demanded.
"Wouldn't do anything to hurt Sam," he said quietly. That was it in the end. He'd known Jack loved her, and he'd trusted him to get her through what he was asking without having to pay the price.
It had been a faulty assumption. One Sam hadn't shared. He'd understood that the moment she'd turned away from the stasis pod in Antarctica, nodded her head determinably, and started talking.
"I'll hand in my resignation as soon as we get back. The victory over Anubis will be the perfect time for me to walk away with a clear conscience. And the whole restructuring of the SGC will make it all the more believable. I'll talk to Pete. If he's game...we already have an established relationship, marriage and kids would be the expected, next step. If he's not willing--I'll think of something else. Something to provide as much distance as I can from the program, from the colonel. It's the only way, we'll be able to keep the baby safe. If the NID catches the scent of this..." she'd faltered there at the enormity of that danger.
But, he'd long since lost heart and recognized he'd failed to count the here and now expenses of their little experiment. He'd known there'd be a hefty price to pay sometime down the line, but the debt was being called in much sooner then he'd bargained for and he was in over his head.
What? Had he thought this wouldn't interfere with normal team operations? That Sam would continue as an active member of SG-1 through her pregnancy? Had he thought they'd march into their debriefing and say, "Oh yeah, on the way home Jack decided he and Sam should have a baby and see if it wouldn't be born with the knowledge of the Ancients"? Had he thought Simmons' goons wouldn't be a force to reckon with until the child showed its abilities? Whatever he'd thought, it had been both self-serving and self-deceiving; he had no defense against Jack's attack.
Jack growled at him in disgust. "It wasn't even me!" he snarled. "There wasn't enough of me in there to remember my own name, how did you expect me to be there enough to protect her?"
"Wishful thinking," he said honestly. Jack shook his head at him and turned to Teal'c.
"What's your excuse then?"
"I have no excuse, O'Neill. It was not my choice. However if it had been, the outcome would have been no different. You believed the knowledge of the Ancients was worth sacrificing your life. Major Carter believed it was worthy of her sacrifice as well. She made the only decision open to her."
And there it stood out in the open. Carter had made the only decision she could. She wouldn't have refused him--he should never have presented her with the decision. He'd brought her to this. If it wasn't for the child in his lap, he would have stormed from the room. He needed the space, needed the activity. But, he couldn't pluck her off of him and plop her down. Everyone in the room, including himself, would read the wrong thing into such an action. So he sat there, slightly rocking back and forth in an ineffectual attempt to calm the both of them.
He snorted his anger out at them all. "Bra'tac say the same thing?" he asked in disgust.
"He didn't know...still doesn't know," Carter assured him. He frowned angrily at all of them.
Jacob laughed and offered him a soggy Cheerio. Peter babbled away to the puddle of juice he'd spilt in his high chair tray. But the rest of the room sat in uncomfortable silence. The bubbly joy he'd been experiencing only a few, short minutes ago was gone, and it was hard to believe it had even existed. He wanted it back. He painfully swallowed down his anger and hurt and accepted Jacob's leftover breakfast.
Carter watched him let it all go and thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd been right and everything really would work out. She hadn't been unhappy with Pete, not at all. They'd had some great times, and she was thankful for them. But from the time Ally had been conceived, her life had had an interrupted feel...as though she'd stepped out of reality into another dimension full of hidden dangers and missed opportunities. She'd brought an aching loss for the life she'd left behind into that new reality and now for the first time in over four years she felt that loss and pain slip away.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The room had been tiny, more a closet than anything else. But it was as private as they could get on the Al'kesh. The door had whisked closed behind them leaving them in darkness except for a small, muted light coming from a panel above their heads. She had wanted to turn and flee back to Daniel and Teal'c. But she hadn't.
She'd hoped he couldn't read her fear in what little light there was. But, the worry that had been eating her every since he'd stuck his head into the device had mushroomed into full-blown panic at his suggestion. She'd managed, she hoped, to swallow it down in front of the others, while they'd stood about discussing the pros and cons as though this was something that could be decided logically and reasonably.
But, it couldn't. There was nothing logical or rational about this. Maybe, if she hadn't loved him, if he hadn't loved her, maybe there would have been a way to look at it intellectually and objectively. But, she had, he had, and for all she tried to make a militarily sound and defensible decision, she knew she was there because he was dying. Regardless of the changes this would bring to her life and the dangers it would present in the future, she wanted to hold on to whatever she could of him.
All the things he hadn't let her say before had still been waiting to be said, and she thought now he'd have no choice but to hear her out. But she found she couldn't bring herself to say them. Instead, she'd stood mutely before him, and he was the one to speak. It might have been a declaration of love or it might have been an apology. She'd never found out from Daniel because it didn't matter. It had conveyed everything she'd needed to know in its low, rough tones.
He had held her for a moment in a comforting embrace, and then he had pressed his hand into her side and she had felt the unnatural warmth beneath it. It had increased under his hand until she'd felt the momentarily, sharp pain of ovulation in her side, and then the pain and the warmth had dissipated away. He'd shifted his hand low over her pelvis and she'd felt the warmth again as he did who knew what to prepare her body to conceive. She'd closed her eyes and let it wash through her. Then he had gently drawn her down with him to the floor. By then, it had been too late to say the things she wanted to say.
The walls had been too close for them to fully stretch out and the floor had been cool and hard beneath her, so that later, as they awkwardly dressed in the near dark and silence, they'd both been stiff and sore. Right before they'd opened the door, he'd pulled him to her for a last embrace and repeated his words to her again. She'd clung to him, feeling his strength and warmth, breathing in his smell, memorizing the sound of his heart beating against her ear, knowing that his time was quickly running out. And then they'd rejoined the others and moments later learned that Anubis was moving his fleet into position and Earth's future was no more certain than his own.
Time from that point had moved at an incredibly quick pace. Bra'tac had been unaware anything had happened at all, the colonel had returned to his work modifying the rings, and she and the guys had avoided each other as much as possible in the small ship. There'd been, thankfully, no time to discuss the ramifications of what they'd done before they reached Earth. For that brief time, it was put to the side and all their attention was focused on saving the world one last time.
Successfully as it turned out. Her last act at the SGC. She'd married Pete in Denver with a couple of his cop buddies as witnesses the day after she'd finally been released from all the debriefings and paperwork following the defeat of Anubis. She'd worn the blue jeans and sweater she'd driven up in because she hadn't been thinking clearly enough to pack anything else the night before. Pete, laughing at her, had assured her he'd happily marry her even if she was wearing his old, gray sweats.
When she'd arrived unannounced at his door, he'd been surprised and pleased to see her. He'd tried to match her seriousness, but he'd failed miserably. He was never able to really make himself believe half of what she'd told him about her work, and the story she spun for him that night had been no different even for her deadly earnestness. And he hadn't missed the fact most of it was nothing more than lies she'd spun to feed him. Regardless of what he believed, he'd jumped at the chance to marry her and never looked back.
They'd driven back to Colorado Springs that afternoon to pick up what she'd needed from her house, made arrangements with moving and cleaning companies to deal with the rest, dropped by the post office to file a change of address, and driven back to Denver the next morning. Their move out-of-state where she could work in a civilian capacity in Research and Development and he could work with the local police force had followed quickly thereafter.
When the news of their marriage had filtered back to the mountain, Daniel had sent a spray of red roses, a photo album, and a card signed with his and Teal'c's names. Janet had sent a gift certificate and card, and the general had sent a check. His parents had flown out to meet her and brought a lifetime of family stories, easy acceptance, and armloads of gifts for their new home and unknowingly heaped shame upon Sam who knew only too well she was there under false pretenses. But slowly her marriage and her life with Pete had taken on its own reality.
When they'd eventually let the news of her pregnancy out, his parents had volunteered to move out to help care for the baby while they worked. Sam had hardly thought it was necessary, but Pete had jumped at the offer. Of course, Ally had been born silently screaming out her terror at the world, and even Sam had to admit they could use any and all help they could get. His folks had done the shopping and ran errands--things that were impossible for her to do with Ally and things Pete couldn't find the time for between work and trying to give Sam all the backup he could. To her embarrassment, his mother provided most of their meals that first year, and it was his father who vacuumed and did most of the washing up.
Ally had been more than a 24 hour job. As an infant, she slept only when exhaustion forced her and then only for fifteen to twenty minutes at a time. If she was awake, she wanted to be held, and she'd 'cry' and fight when anyone but Sam held her. Even with Sam, she 'cried' for hours day and night and couldn't be consoled. Her first several weeks were a blur in both their minds, and if not for his folks and her friends they would never have made it.
If they'd had to actually listen to her frantic screams they would have all surely been driven mad. But, from birth she'd never made a sound. The doctors shook their heads and offered no explanation and no hope. Her silence made her care all the harder. They were afraid to leave her alone for fear she'd need them and wouldn't be able to let them know. They'd tried placing a pad with a motion sensor under her but it had driven her into a frenzy. Eventually, his dad had hung small wind chimes on her cradle which rang with her movements without upsetting her further.
Sometime near her first birthday, she had begun to sleep more and cry less, and things in that regard had continued to improve. Unfortunately, by then other behaviors had been added to her list of peculiarities. They'd had to accept life with Ally was never going to be easy.
Pete had found the one child more time-consuming and worrying than he ever could have imagined. It hadn't occurred to him to consider having another. At least not yet...not until they'd had a chance to catch up on a few years' worth of sleep. But Sam had felt she owed him a child of his own. She hadn't; she was all he wanted. Ally and all the challenges she added to his life were a small price to pay to have Sam. All his protests hadn't convinced her of that though. She'd given him Jacob as though he were the purchase price of his love for her and Ally.
Jacob was a sweet, good natured baby who added a degree of normality to their lives he had thought they'd never experience. He was glad she'd insisted on a second child, but her motives--never spoken, never addressed, but painfully obvious nonetheless--saddened him. He wished he could convince her she didn't owe him anything. That he loved her and was happy to be her husband. He'd have come begging her himself if he had thought he had any hope of winning her-- in fact, waiting for the day when he would screw up his courage and do just that, he'd had the ring already picked out before she showed up on his doorstep like a dejected stray.
But instead of being convinced, she'd gone on and gotten pregnant with Peter as though he'd upped the price. He'd accepted the news as graciously as he could and found he was delighted at the prospect of another child. But he'd never had a chance to meet his second son. He'd been dead and buried almost three months before Peter was born.
And now her old life was suddenly encroaching on her new. She was afraid the two realities were incompatible and neither would survive the melding. She was marrying Jack O'Neill...or would be in just a few minutes. He'd wanted it done before the next crisis erupted under the Mountain and required his presence. She'd never been able to picture him as a general, but now she could see it clearly. Proposal at 0815; wedding, complete with paperwork, cake, flowers, and out-of-town guests in the form of General Hammond and Janet, at 1400. It had all been planned and scheduled before he'd ever arrived. The pace had left her little, if any, time for evasive maneuvers and second thoughts. And here they were at the courthouse with the children freshly bathed and dressed and both the guys and newly arrived guests in tow.
The only thing she'd managed on her own was to call and invite Pete's folks. They were waiting on the smooth, wooden benches outside the courtroom. They stood nervously to meet the man who would be taking the place of their dead son. She'd sprung it on him at the last minute that they'd be there. As he'd had other things on his mind, he hadn't thought about the awkwardness of meeting them until he saw them. They, however, were more interested in hugging their grandsons than interrogating him. A quick handshake from Pete's dad and a nod from his mom about covered it.
They both took a brief second to murmur hellos to the little girl standing like a statue where he'd sat her beside him, but he noted neither tried to touch her. She was off in never-never land, staring through the grownups legs; unaware of her own existence, let alone theirs. He wondered if he'd ever get used to it. The others hadn't downplayed her 'problems' when they'd spoken of her down through the years.
Daniel, Teal'c, and Janet had each taken personal leave during her first year to offer what aid they could to Sam and Pete as they tried to care for an extremely difficult infant. Still, he hadn't realized the extent of her pathology. He'd been concerned and sorry Carter's first taste of motherhood wasn't smooth sailing, but he'd missed the tragic truth of the matter, and he'd felt no personal responsibility. More the fool him.
A friendly woman passing by soon made it apparent he still hadn't gotten the full picture. He'd felt Carter tensing on the one side of him and heard her begin to say, "No, please don-" as she moved to reach Ally even as he'd heard the kind woman's voice cooing, "What a beautiful little girl you are." And then all chaos ensued. Ally was flailing about like a wild thing, her mouth open in a terrified, silent scream. In shock and surprise, the startled woman was all but in tears. Daniel, Teal'c, Janet, and the Shanahans were profusely apologizing to her. Jacob hid under the bench, and in his grandmother's arms, Peter loudly gave voice to the screams his sister couldn't.
And through it all he stood rooted in shock while Carter attempted to quiet their daughter, first by physically restraining her and then as the little girl's terror wore itself out with softly murmured words. She took several hard hits from the little girl's thrashings in the process and both their soft, blue dresses were wrinkled and mussed before Ally finally sobbed against her mother's shoulder.
Several onlookers who had stopped to watch the show moved off down the hall. Carter looked over at him and mouthed, "Sorry." Her face was flushed and in it he could read her distress over the spectacle. With an effort, he swallowed down his own and encircled the two of them in his arms. He laid his head against Carter's hair and rubbed his hand down Ally's back for a brief second before straightening up and saying, "Think you better freshen up a bit, Carter, so we can get this show on the road." Her father-in-law caught his eye and nodded approvingly, and he felt like he'd just passed a test.
Ally clung to Carter so hard, he didn't think he'd be able to pry her loose, but with great shuttering sobs she came to him. He settled with her onto one of the wooden benches and held her close. He didn't expect it to have any impact on this fey, little changeling, but he made the effort anyway. "Listen, little girl, I love you," he murmured as firmly as he could into her ear, "but I'm not having you acting like that ever again. You will not be throwing yourself around like that. You hit your mom more than once. I won't have it. What if it would have been one of your baby brothers? It's not happening. Do you understand me?" She sat absolutely still leaning against him, and he said again, "Do you understand me?"
She lifted her eyes to stare into his and then moved her head close to his ear and in a soft, whispery voice said, "Yes, Sir." So. She did have a voice when she wanted.
He nodded his head in acknowledgment and said, "That's all right then." And then Carter, looking still slightly the worse for the wear, was back. It was showtime.
Thankfully, when he'd made the appointment, he'd asked the JP for the shortest, simplest ceremony possible thinking the boys would be ready for afternoon naps and not at all inclined to sit quietly. He'd been right there. They wiggled and squirmed on their grandparents' laps. Peter squealed and whined his discontent with the proceedings while Jacob giggled and talked just a bit too loudly at his grandpa. But, the ceremony, brief and disrupted as it was, ended with them legally married and from the lightness in his own heart, Carter's smile, and the happy faces of their friends and family he had no last minute doubts or regrets.
Laughing and chattering, the whole group began to move the party off to Carter's for cake and congratulations. Daniel stopped them momentarily in front of the building to shoot pictures of everything from the two of them to the whole group before finally letting them load up in the vehicles and drive off.
The kids were all asleep before the party broke up: Jacob curled in a ball under the coffee table, Peter sprawled out on the end of the couch, and Ally, who worn out from her exertion at the court house had long since fled the noise and confusion of the celebration, in bed with her favorite blanket. With a last handshake for Jack and hug for Sam, General Hammond took his leave and headed off to the airport in a taxi. Laughing, Janet, Daniel, and Teal'c made their own good bys and headed off to see the sights of the town.
And suddenly, they were alone and husband and wife and neither quite knew what to do about it. It was Sam, who in the end, overcame her awkwardness and led him to her bed where she'd awakened that morning Sam Shanahan, Pete's widow, and where she spent what time they had before the baby was up clamoring for his late-afternoon nursing as Sam O'Neill, Jack's wife.
It was all the time they had. While she'd fed the baby and he'd taken a quick shower, the call had come in. He'd been off to the Mountain on the next flight out before the others were even awake. She tried not to mind--of all people, she knew how it was. She might as well get used to it. He'd have had to leave them the next morning anyway; who knew what he'd had to promise Walter to get him to clear his calendar long enough to come in the first place. She doubted he'd be able to eke out any more time right away.
In the meantime, she had obligations here. This would have had to happen during one of the few times she had work commitments that required her presence outside the house--she was committed to lecture at the Institute the next three Fridays besides being in the midst of some rather important research which she'd either have to wrap up or leave in the hands of one of her colleagues. And there was packing and the house to see to. They never had had that time to talk and work out all the details of their new life together. She had no idea if he intended on house-hunting or moving them in with him. She wasn't really concerned. Except if they'd be staying in his house by the river, he'd need to put a fence up first. When this crisis was over, she would mention it to him. All the other 'things' could just fall into place, but not that.
The boys didn't understand he'd become a part of their lives and didn't look for him. But Ally did. She walked through the house flapping her hands and silently keening until finally accepting he wasn't there. Then she stood for hours in front of the door and wouldn't be directed elsewhere. She stared at the closed door as though she could will it to bring him back. Her distress was pitiful to see. Sam tried to assure her again and again that he would be back, but she would not be comforted. She wouldn't eat at the table, though Sam was able to get her to take a few bites from her spot in front of the door.
She kicked and 'screamed' her way to bed, and as soon as Sam put her down ran back to the door. Sam didn't try again. She brought her a pillow and her blanket and let her sleep there.
In the morning, Sam awoke to Ally standing beside her bed with silent tears on her cheeks. "Oh, honey," she said, pulling the little girl to her. "He's not gone for good. He'll be back..." It was a promise she was very aware she really couldn't make. He worked in perhaps the most dangerous place on the planet. He'd be back if he could, but a lot could happen 28 levels under Cheyenne Mountain.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
He snuck in the back door of the auditorium and stood there quietly for a few minutes watching Carter lecture to a full house. Who'd have thought a lecture on the 'Theoretical Physics of Hyperspace' would draw so many? As far as most of these geeks knew hyperspace only existed in the mind of J. Michael Straczynski and the like. Didn't they have anything better to do with their time? He'd had plenty of chances to listen to Dr. Samantha Carter, Astrophysicist going on and on about hyperspace and never found it all that compelling. Certainly not enough to give up three hours of a perfectly fine Friday afternoon better used fishing.
Not then anyway. Not when he'd be going through the Gate with her bright and early Monday morning, and Tuesday, and more mornings than not. But right now, when he'd seen her barely ten hours in four and a half years...well, techno-babble never sounded so good. Never looked better either. He could easily hang out and enjoy the lecture as long as it lasted. Though maybe not standing.
He'd have slipped into the first empty seat he could find if Pete's mom hadn't not only helpfully told him where to find her, but also that he'd find Ally in the front row. Apparently, she sat quietly enough if not approached and being where she could see her mom, even in a crowded auditorium, was less disturbing to her than being left at home. He figured if he hadn't given her a thorough knowledge of astrophysics from the Ancients, she probably had a passable one from listening to Carter all these years. He moved as quickly and as unobtrusively as possible to the front and sure enough there in an island of empty chairs was one tow-haired, not-quite-four year old.
He slipped quietly into the seat over from her. Carter wouldn't thank him if he upset her and gave her students a demonstration in abnormal child psychology in the middle of her lecture. The little girl sat like a stone and refused to acknowledge his presence. That was all right. He could be patient...she was bound to warm to him sooner or later. Kids almost invariably did, and this one had seemed to think he was all right the last time they'd met.
He focused his attention back on Carter. He'd gotten out of the Mountain hours earlier than he'd hoped, and she wasn't watching for him to drop in. Lecturing to a group had never been her favorite activity, but he could see she'd grown relaxed in it, joking and smiling, interacting with her students in a natural manner that explained to a degree why the place was packed.
She'd been intent in explaining something or other at the white board when he'd moved up to the front, and he knew the exact moment she noticed he was there. The smile that spread across her face would keep him going for a long time to come. Her voice petered out for a brief second, and she had to glance at her notes before she could get back to her teaching. Even then, she lost her train of thought and stared at her notes long enough that her audience began to move restlessly in their seats. She looked up from her notes with an embarrassed grin and nodded towards him, "Ladies and Gentleman, General Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force. Glad you could make it, General."
It was the last thing he'd expected, but with his usual aplomb he stood and gave a small bow towards the audience. "The pleasure's all mine, Doctor," he said. "Please continue." With another brilliant smile for him, she did so. He couldn't imagine what her students thought of it, but her daughter suddenly realized whom she'd been so studiously ignoring. She threw off her stone persona and scrambled from her chair to his lap. He drew her close and whispered, "Hey, there, beautiful. Missed me?"
The little girl nodded her head against his shoulder and sighed a whispery 'Sir' so quietly he almost couldn't hear it. Then they both settled down and let Carter do her job. To all appearances, they both listened enraptured to the discussion, but his mind, at least, wondered far and wide. If the kid had recognized him from the knowledge he'd somehow or another managed to pass onto her through his genes, where'd that 'Sir' come from? He didn't run around thinking of himself in that way. It should have been 'Jack' if anything.
It was Carter who seemed to think of him in that manner. She'd done it even on the way to pick up the marriage license; he'd about blown the whole thing over it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"For crying out loud!" he angrily bellowed in his best command voice, "We're getting married today, Carter! Call me Jack!" The incongruity of his statement didn't hit him until she submissively lowered her eyes and gave him a quiet 'Yes, Sir.'
His anger deflated like a balloon. He quietly said, "This isn't going to work. Pull over, will you?"
Her hands were shaking on the wheel as she signaled the turn and brought the car to a stop on the side of the street. It wasn't going to work. After all these years, it wasn't going to work. How could it? She'd deceived him, kept him out of the loop, made him the outsider...how could it possibly work after all of that?
"Listen, Carter," he said gently, "let's forget this whole 'Jack' and 'Sam' thing when it's just us...but when we're out in public, we're really going to have to work on it or people will think we're nuts. What do you say?"
She blinked at him, tears and confusion in her eyes. Was that it? Was that all he had meant? That after years of 'Sir's and 'Carter's it wouldn't work to make the switch to 'Jack' and 'Sam'. She could live with that. People could think they were nuts all they wanted. "All right," she said, trying to keep the tremble out of her voice and with an effort biting off the 'Sir' at the end.
"But," he continued, and she knew it had been too easy to think names and titles were all he'd been talking about. "I don't want a command relationship with you, Carter...I want a marriage. I don't want to be your commanding officer with bedroom privileges-I want to be your husband. If we can't have that...if after all these years, it's all too ingrained and there's no hope we can change-we need to call this off."
Call it off. That was the last thing she needed. "Is that what you want, Sir?" she asked.
"No, it's not what I want. But, you deserve better than having me shout orders at you all of your life. That's not what marriage is about." He waited quietly for her to say something...agree his whole idea had been insane or fight for it, but she sat staring at the traffic passing in front of them without speaking. Then with a sigh, she put the car in drive and turned the blinker on.
He couldn't bring himself to ask what she had decided, couldn't face it being over. The years of waiting and hoping had been livable because there had always been a chance hovering somewhere in the future. The years with Pete had been dismal and gray knowing that chance had evaporated with her marriage. The months since Pete's death had been a confusing turmoil of uncertainty and possibilities if he could only find the strength to face them.
These few, short minutes since she had said yes had been a light at the end of the tunnel despite the upsetting information he'd learned along the way. He'd felt younger than he'd been when he'd married Sarah, released from every worry that had ever pestered him, every trouble that had ever beset him. It had been nice while it lasted, but now he almost thought he could feel an ulcer of worry eating a hole through his stomach wall and dark, gray clouds loomed over his future like a perpetual storm.
Finally she spoke, "Then we change, because I've spent way too many years trying to not be in love with you already." She signaled and merged back into the traffic without waiting for his reply.
"All right," he answered. "You know the Flower Shop? They said they weren't far from the court house?"
"I've seen it," she said.
"Well, we need to stop by once we've got the license...they're supposed to have some flowers ready."
"What if I wouldn't have said yes?" she asked. He shrugged in answer. "Anything else I need to know about?" she continued.
"Well," he said, "I guess there's the cake too...I'm supposed to call and let them know when and where to deliver it."
"Flowers and cake," she said with a smile, "what if I would have said no?"
He grinned over at her, "That wasn't going to happen. I was afraid you'd want more time to plan something fancier than the JP, but I figured we'd eat the cake one way or another."
She laughed. "This is fine, Sir."
"That it is," he agreed. He glanced guiltily over at her and casually added, "Janet and General Hammond will be flying in about 1...Daniel and Teal'c will pick them up at the airport after lunch."
Surprised, she stared at him for almost a minute too long but at the last second managed to avoid rear-ending the turning vehicle in front of them. "You really were sure of yourself," she stated.
Ignoring the near mishap, he answered, "Well, Janet is Daniel's doing. He said she'd never forgive him if he knew about it and didn't tell her. And the general invited himself."
"Really?" she said skeptically.
"He sent your papers back from Washington with a note attached saying if they meant what he thought they did, he expected an invite. Honest. I did try to contact your dad...but, no go."
She shook her head at him. "Anything else?"
"So you mind?" he asked. "We can plan a real ceremony sometime, if you want, but with my schedule..."
"No," she said, "this is fine."
"Ok. What about clothes?"
"What about them?"
"I brought my dress blues and my civilian funeral suit...or we can just go as we are?"
She laughed again. "Whichever you want is fine with me, but I think I'll probably change into a dress."
"You've got to decide," he said.
"Not your funeral suit," she said her laugh fading at the memory of the last funeral they'd both attended. It had been packed as funerals for cops lost in the line of duty generally are. There'd been full honors and it had gone on and on. She'd thought it would never end. And then the funeral dinner afterwards with Pete's parents bravely trying to hold up under their own grief and support her as well. Ally a frozen statue in the corner and Jacob making everyone laugh at his antics through their tears. Daniel and Teal'c awkward and out of place amongst Pete's cop buddies and myriad aunts, uncles, and cousins.
And Pete's captain going on and on about how he had died as though she needed reminded he was a hero. She didn't. She'd known it every day since she told him she had a problem and he'd promised to be the solution, no questions asked. He'd kept his end of the deal. Even when Ally was her most challenging, he'd never once turned to her and asked what she'd brought into his life.
"No," Jack agreed quickly, mentally kicking himself. It wasn't the suit he'd worn to Pete's funeral, but he didn't think it would help matters to assure her of that fact. "He was a good man, Carter," he told her.
"Yes," she answered, "he was. Took you long enough to figure that out though." She grinned over at him letting the solemnity of their conversation pass away.
"Guess it did," he allowed. "Never did trust any of your followers...but Pete, well, you have to admit he didn't make it easy stalking you like that."
She didn't feel like defending Pete's rash actions one more time so she said, "My followers? You make it sound like I had a whole string of them!"
"You did."
"Did not."
"Did so."
"That's ridiculous, Sir and you know it!"
"I know no such thing! What about Simmons?"
"Simmons!"
"Not him...the kid--Graham."
"He was JUST a kid!"
"So? How abou-"
"If you can be jealous of a kid like Simmons, no wonder you never liked Pete!"
"Exactly," he crowed as though she'd made his point for him.
She looked over at him, "Simmons got over me years before Pete," she said. "Did you really care way back then?"
"Oh, yeah, I cared, Carter. You betcha."
"More than you should have?"
"Not that I was admitting it to myself then, but, yeah, more than I should have...and I've got news for you--Simmons isn't over you yet."
"Give me a break!' she said pulling into the parking lot and turning off the ignition.
"It's true," he asserted.
She shook her head and said, "Let's go do this." They'd left the boys with the guys but Ally was strapped in the back seat. She'd been quiet the whole trip and when he picked her up she was like a rag doll in his arms. She'd checked out and went somewhere he couldn't follow. He tried a few jokes and tickles under her chin but she didn't respond at all.
"Hey, Carter," he asked as they started across the parking lot for the door. "How do you get this kid to smile?"
She soberly glanced over at the two of them, gave a small shrug, and said, "Ally doesn't smile, Sir."
~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*
Even trying, she'd thrown a good half dozen 'Sir's into the conversation. She couldn't help herself...it was ingrained. Ingrained and passed on somehow to her daughter. Ally hadn't responded to him because of any knowledge he'd given her of himself...she'd have run and hidden under her bed if that was the case. She'd responded to him because she knew him through her mother's eyes.
"Well, what do you know?" he whispered to himself, and Carter's daughter glanced questioningly up at him. He smiled. And she smiled back. "Ally doesn't smile, Sir," Carter had said, but she did...a big, beautiful smile just like her mom. And how about that? The kid couldn't look less like him if he'd tried...and he supposed he had. He must have used that Ancient knowledge to manipulate things, to produce this particular little girl who no one would look at and think, "Now that must be Jack O'Neill's kid!"
Unexpectedly, he had to blink tears from his eyes. The crisis under the Mountain had been serious and complicated. He'd been briefed on the plane there and hadn't gotten more than five minutes of peace until it was all over eight days later. And then there'd been all the ensuing paperwork and reviews. What time he did have, he'd spent on the phone trying to get someone to go out and fence his house front and back. Seemed there wasn't a fencer in Colorado who wasn't booked for the next year. Only after he'd put on his general voice did he get someone to hop to it; even then he'd paid enough to fence half the county.
There hadn't been time to work through the knowledge Carter's daughter was his own. Or that he'd purposely, knowingly chosen to dump all the world's problem on her little head. He'd given her life, but not to be freely lived. It was given conditionally with a million strings attached, each a deadly snare to trap her in. She'd never be a normal, little girl laughing at his antics and chasing butterflies in his safely fenced yard. She'd never be safe, never even have the innocent notion of safety. Her mind, if it contained the knowledge of the Ancients, was full of the knowledge of evil and danger. No wonder she'd chosen to live in silence. No wonder she panicked or froze in the presence of strangers.
He'd condemned her personally. Not just any kid that they might have conceived that day, but this particular one. For whatever reason, he'd determined that she was the one. He'd like to think he'd had only sound, defensible reasons in mind, but he was afraid at least some of them had been nothing but his own personal whims. Sure he wouldn't have wanted her to be identifiable as his child, but really! Surely there'd been a few genes in there he could have picked that wouldn't have made her in the exact image of the woman he loved. He'd willingly played around with destiny, manipulated her to make her not only the person they needed for their purposes but also the child he wanted. If it wouldn't have marked her as his, would he right now be holding Charlie's clone? He hadn't had the right. And she most likely was well aware of it.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to her. She frowned up at him in response, told him, "Shhh," and turned back to watch her mom wrapping up her lecture. He took her rebuke quietly. She hadn't gotten any of his looks, but his unwillingness to discuss personal issues had been passed along without anything lost in translation.
He'd always been told she was totally nonverbal...beyond nonverbal, mute. Incapable of speech or even producing sound. Yet, he'd heard her speak three times. Ally never talked, but she did with him. Ally never smiled, but she had at him. Because she knew him, knew she was safe with him. She knew a lot more than she had ever let on. She'd be four in a couple of months and she'd been living a lie for all that time.
He'd thought right when he thought he could pass on the knowledge of the Ancients to a child. For good or bad, his daughter knew things no one else on earth could even comprehend. Who knew what she'd do with it...what had they been thinking unleashing that kind of knowledge on a child? She could as easily use it to destroy the world as save it.
She squirmed on his lap and lifted her face once more to his. She solemnly stared up at him, and he wondered if she could read his mind. Be good, little girl, he thought. Be good. Be as sweet and loving as you look. Be your mother's daughter, not mine. In the name of country and duty, I've done things no man should do....don't be like me. He didn't realize he was crying until she reached up a small hand and wiped a tear away.
"Sir?" Carter asked. He looked up to find the lecture was over, the hall already almost empty, and Carter standing concerned before them. "What is it? What's wrong?" she asked anxiously. He glanced at Ally who was staring unseeingly through his right shirt pocket and then back to Carter.
"Nothing," he lied. "Just got something in my eye." He ran a hand over Ally's back knowing Carter would notice, knowing that because of it she'd put his momentary reaction down to tenderness for the child or regret for their lost years, and knowing that she'd respect his difficulty in expressing such things and drop it. Ally had known he wouldn't give away her secrets, and he knew Carter would never press him for his. No matter how much he wished it wasn't so, they were a pair, the two of them. Like father, like daughter.
Though they weren't alone in their sins this time. Carter had started this weave of lies years before and done it so expertly he'd never considered it was anything more than she claimed. He'd always thought she couldn't tell a lie if her life depended on it. But, she'd managed it for the life of his daughter. Managed it quite well. Of course, she knew the danger as well as he did--she'd been only a needle's length from being killed for what Adrian Conrad's goons could learn from her dead body. The galaxies were full of bad guys who wouldn't hesitate to do the same to Ally if they knew she existed. Regretfully, it was all too possible the good guys maybe shouldn't either.
Daniel had been shaken to the core when he'd been shown by that Harcesis kid what absolute power could do to a man. And they'd chosen to hand it over to a child. Children weren't good because their parents were good, decent folk. Just because he had used the Ancient knowledge to save the world, it didn't mean his daughter would. And if she chose to use it for evil--they'd never be able to stop her.
Never. Not just because she'd have all the advantages and they'd have none, but because she was theirs. Their child conceived for all the wrong reasons but loved and cherished all the same. He wouldn't expose the lie that was her life, wouldn't make a move to draw attention to her, wouldn't endanger her in anyway. He'd give his life to keep her safe if that's what it took; accept even the sacrifice of Carter's if it became necessary. And God forgive their sins and help them if she grew into a woman who loved power more than duty or one who resented what they'd done enough to seek vengeance.
He smiled, rose, hugged and kissed Carter, and for all the world looked like a man who was finally getting to hold his wife after being apart way too long. A man with no worries and only happy days ahead. But his anticipated joy of being with Carter was long forgotten, his gut was tied in anxious knots, and the happiness of his future was tied up in the child in his arms. And he didn't know if that was good or bad.
*********** Waiting ************
Gaze with wariness, into the murkiness,
Where you can glimpse--if you dare
A thousand possibilities,
A myriad potentialities,
Though perhaps not so many probabilities,
Within the Dragon's egg.
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Inside the Dragon's Egg
by OffworlderStory Bemerkung:
This piece leaves the show at the al'kesh scene of Jack's second Ancient mindtrip on the way back from Taonas in 'Lost City' and assumes Janet didn't die in 'Heroes'. The first is important because it's the what-if of the story. What if the Ancient knowledge could be passed down genetically like the Goa'uld? The second is only important in that I loved 'Heroes' but hate its consequences and bring Janet back every chance I get.)Site Navigation
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