Ketchup

Day One

Teal'c and Carter were ready and waiting by the Stargate, but there seemed to be an absence of archaeologists. "Daniel late again, Carter?"

"Uh, yes sir."

Big surprise! I figure the guy works by some time system no-one else has used for five thousand years. "Never mind. While we are waiting, we can arrange the schedule for Daniel watching. I feed the boy wonder. Carter, you do the coffee." You can't trust Teal'c near coffee. He has no idea of a good cup of coffee.

"What do I do O'Neill?"

"Teal'c, you check that Daniel's shoelaces are tied up okay. Now, when we go through the Stargate, I grab Daniel before he goes running off. Carter, you shoot the Goa'uld attacking him from the left. Teal'c, you shoot the Goa'uld attacking him from the right." I catch the look on Carter's face. "Anything wrong Carter?"

"Uh, aren't you over reacting, sir?"

Over reacting? We had just let Daniel off world for five minutes without us, and had ended up going through the point of death in the infirmary routine. I was not over reacting! "I am not over reacting, Carter. I do not understand why Hammond lets Daniel off world. No," I correct myself, "I do understand. Other teams have to spend weeks bumbling around a planet to find out if it is safe or not. We just take Daniel. He's like that stuff they use in chemistry. Paper, uh, turns red."

"Litmus paper, sir?"

"I knew that, Carter. Litmus paper. Take Daniel to an alien planet, and if he doesn't turn red in two hours then the place is so safe that you can take kids there on their Sunday school picnics."

"Daniel Jackson turns red, O'Neill?"

"Yeah. If it isn't his blood, it's ours."

"Uh, sir."

I could have kept going on the subject a lot longer, but Carter interrupted me.

"Ah, Daniel. You decided to join us."

He scurries up like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. The one that's always late.

"Sorry, Jack. They wanted me to take a look at this artifact that SG6 brought back from PX..."

I cut him off. "Forget it Daniel. I'm sure they couldn't manage without you."

They probably couldn't at that. Daniel was good with ancient alien artifacts. You want to know something about an obscure ancient alien artifact, then Daniel Jackson is your man. He's the alien artifact equivalent of one of those baseball geeks. The ones who can tell you all the scores of some two-bit baseball player that died before Abe was president.

So, they dial up the gate, the event horizon billows out, and we step up the ramp. I'm in the lead, and I hear an exchange behind me.

"Teal'c, why are you staring at my feet?"

"I am observing your shoe laces, Daniel Jackson."

And we go through the gate. As we come out the other side, I grab Daniel by the arm.

He gives me that bewildered look. "Jack, why are you hanging on to my arm?"

"I'm stopping you from running off to say hello to whatever is going to disembowel you, or poison you, or zap you with flashing lights."

"Such as...". Daniel looks around. "Really menacing blades of grass?"

There really is only the gate, the DHD, and a lot of grass. We are on an open hillside. A few savage grasshoppers could sneak up on us, but that's about it. I consider for a moment. "Be very careful. There'll probably be an earthquake at any moment."

"Uh, aren't you ...".

I cut her off. "I am not being over-anxious, Carter."

"Aren't you being a little edgy?"

"I am not over-anxious, and I am not edgy, Carter." I look around. "So, where is it?"

"Where's what, Jack?"

"The ancient Goa'uld building. They always build near the Stargate. It's the Goa'uld equivalent of high quality real estate."

"There are no signs of activity here, O'Neill."

And there aren't. There isn't even a path worn in the grass.

"Perhaps we should look over the other side of the hill." Daniel is off before he finishes speaking, but I snag him by the arm.

"Dammit, Daniel! What did I say about not wandering off?!"

"I'm not wandering off, Jack. Anyway, there is nothing here."

"You want to be careful of those savage grasshoppers."

"What?"

"Savage grasshoppers, O'Neill?"

"He's just being a little..."

"Carter, I am not being over-anxious, and I am not being a little edgy."

We head up to the top of the hill, and look down the other side. There it is, down at the bottom of the hill. The ancient ruined building with that pointy pyramid style architecture that our little snake friends just love. "I told you. High quality real estate. With all mod cons, and handy for the Stargate."

We head down the hill. I get Carter to hang on to Daniel, while Teal'c and I check out the entrance. The first room is one of those big ones. Designed to be impressive, with high ceilings. Goa'uld don't take any chances on banging their heads.

"There do not seem to be any signs of recent activity, O'Neill."

He's right. The dust is thick. Daniel will need extra tissue boxes. He'll like the squiggly hieroglyph things all over the walls though. "Why do Goa'uld always write on the walls? They must have been brought up in really bad neighbourhoods."

"I do not understand, O'Neill."

"We had better get Daniel and Carter inside. You never know when those savage grasshoppers will show up."

Teal'c looks deadpan, and I go get Daniel and Carter. Daniel bounds in like an over-eager puppy, and spots the hieroglyphs. Carter heads for some little metallic doodads over in a corner. Teal'c and I stand there for a bit, keeping a look out for the savage grasshoppers.

"This is really interesting, Jack."

Daniel is in love with the hieroglyphs. Correction, they are not hieroglyphs. They may look like hieroglyphs, but actually they are something different related to something I've never heard of. Daniel goes on about this for a long time, scribbling away in the notebook all the time, and sneezing at intervals. I lose him somewhere after the first three minutes. After fifteen minutes, I wander over to see what Carter has found. She is having an argument with herself about metal alloys.

I decide to check out the other rooms with Teal'c. Just in case the savage grasshoppers are hiding out in there, waiting to leap out at Daniel. We take a look around and find a lot of empty rooms. There is more dust, and some more squiggly not-hieroglyphs on the wall. Daniel will be ecstatic. We go back to the entrance room just in time to spot Daniel wandering off through a doorway in the wall. Dammit, five minutes ago there was no doorway in that wall. He must have found one of his secret passages.

I'm just about to yell at Daniel to come right back now, when there is a crashing sound. I hear Daniel call out, "Jack". This is followed by the sound of something falling a long way. Teal'c, Carter and I sprint for the doorway. We come to a stop at the brink of a hole. Black, round, with one of those bottomless pit looks about it.

"Carter, get the rope. Teal'c, I'm going down the hole, you..."

"Uh, Jack." I look up and see something picking itself up out of the dust on the other side of the hole. Something archaeologist shaped. It sneezes.

"Daniel Jackson did not fall down the hole, O'Neill."

"Thank you, Teal'c." I pause for breath and to count to ten. "Daniel, why didn't you fall down the hole?"

"I can fall down the hole, if you want Jack." Daniel has on his placating, puppy in trouble statement.

"I do not believe that O'Neill wishes you to fall down the hole, Daniel Jackson."

"Thank you again, Teal'c."

"Actually, it's not a hole, it's a well."

"A bottomless well. Probably full of savage grasshoppers."

Daniel ignores the grasshoppers. "There was a cover, but it must have been cracked. It broke when I trod on it, and the pieces fell down the well."

I take no chances. "Daniel, you are not going down the well to look at the pieces. However much exciting, squiggly writing there is on them, you are NOT going down the well." I look around. For some reason, the Goa'uld haven't written on the walls. I suppose every house has that bit of decorating still to do. "Is there anything remotely interesting in this room?"

"Not really."

"Good. Come round the hole. Carefully."

I watch as Daniel walks round the hole to join us.

"Everybody outside." The gang troops back into the entrance room, and I head for the packs. There are some reels of tape that Daniel uses to label his artifacts, and I borrow one. Everybody watches as I attach the tape across the doorway. "No-one. And by no-one, I mean YOU Daniel, goes in the room."

"I think it may be a kitchen."

"I don't care what it is, Daniel. You don't go in there." I turn to Teal'c. You see that hole?"

"It's a well."

"Teal'c, you see that well?"

"I see the well, O'Neill."

"If it moves. Especially, if it moves towards Daniel. You shoot it."

"I do not believe that shooting...."

Carter butts in. "Uh, aren't you getting a little..."

I raise a finger. "Careful, Carter."

"Nervous, sir."

"I am not over-reacting, I am not edgy, and I am not nervous!"

"Sir, you just ordered Teal'c to shoot a well."

"Only if the well moves, Carter."

"I do not believe that shooting..."

I don't wait for him to say it. "Don't shoot the well, Teal'c. And that's an order. We don't want to upset the savage grasshoppers."

Daniel has already wandered back to his not-hieroglyphs. Little things like almost crashing down bottomless wells just can't hold the attention when there are those beautiful squiggles to decipher. Carter goes back to the metallic doodads and Teal'c and I mark time for a while.

"O'Neill."

"Yes, Teal'c."

"Do you have some reason to believe that this planet is infested with savage insects?"

"Yes, Teal'c. My reason is that Daniel is here."

"That is not a logical reason, O'Neill."

We mark some more time. I consider singing that old favorite, ten savage grasshoppers hanging on the wall. I decide against it. Teal'c might join in. I speculate what the writing on the wall might actually say. Apophis was here. Ra loves someone or other. I could ask Daniel, if I wanted a three hour lecture.

This is really boring.

This is really cold.

This is really, really boring.

This is really boring, and really cold.

Where are those savage grasshoppers when you need them?

Finally, it gets late enough so that I can order everyone to go and make camp. Daniel wants to stay with his not-hieroglyphs.

"No, Daniel."

"But, Jack."

"No, Daniel. I am not leaving you here at night with that bottomless well roaming about."

"Wells do not move about, O'Neill."

"And there are the savage grasshoppers." I don't give Teal'c the chance to get in. "And you would probably sneeze to death."

"It isn't that cold, sir."

"I said sneeze to death, not freeze to death, Carter. Besides, it's immoral."

"What's immoral, Jack?"

"You spending the night with those hieroglyphs. You've only just met. You weren't even properly introduced."

"They aren't actually hieroglyphs, Jack. They are...."

I carry Daniel outside. This was a mistake. Never carry a manic sneezer who has spent five hours in a pyramid full of dust.

"You sneezed on me!"

"I didn't ask you to pick me up."

"Don't sneeze on me again, Daniel. That's an order!"

Day Two

I head down to a spring for some water, before we head off for another exciting day with the hieroglyphs. Sorry, the not-hieroglyphs. The spring feeds a small pool. Probably too small for fish. The thought of some fishing seems very attractive compared to watching someone make notes on not-hieroglyphs. Maybe Carter is right, and I'm getting a little paranoid about watching Daniel. Maybe Teal'c would like to learn about fishing. He has never really appreciated the joys of fishing.

I head back to the camp, carrying my bucket. "Teal'c how would you like to...". I round the tent, and break off. Daniel is sitting by the fire, nose to nose with a small furry alien. Dammit, I knew those savage grasshoppers would pop out the minute I turned my back. I go for the gun, and then stop when I realize that Daniel is feeding it bits of candy bar, and making noises at it. Oh great. The traditional, Daniel-patented, candy approach to first contact with aliens. The day that we meet an alien race that hates candy bars, we all die.

I spot Carter, standing next to Teal'c and watching the action. I edge across to them, slowly, so as not to worry the alien. "How is he getting on?" I whisper at Carter, while keeping my eyes firmly fixed on Daniel. The alien looks about two foot tall, vaguely resembles a rabbit, but shaggier fur. I don't like the size of the teeth, especially that near Daniel, but the candy bar seems to be going down well. Daniel is making squeaky noises. Doesn't sound like any language I recognize, but a lot of these old languages sound pretty weird to me. Daniel just keeps trying till he finds a way to communicate. I've even seem him do chicken impersonations. "What language is that, Carter?"

"Uh, I don't think that's a language, sir."

Daniel has spotted me. He pats his little alien friend on the head. "I'm talking rabbit, Jack."

"What?" I realize something. "Stop right there, Daniel. Is it, or is it not, intelligent?"

"It's an alien rabbit, Jack."

I pull out the gun, and point it at the alien rabbit. "Back away, Daniel. Very slowly."

Daniel looks at me in outrage. "Don't shoot my rabbit!"

"I am not going to shoot your rabbit, Daniel. I just want some more distance between you and something with teeth that size. Anything with teeth that size is bad news."

"It's a rodent, Jack. Rodents always have big teeth."

"All the better to eat Daniels with."

"It's a herbivore."

"What worries me is if it turns out to be a Danielvore." I lean forward towards the rabbit thing, and snarl at it." The rabbit flaps large, semi-circular ears, and then bounds off across the grass. I put the gun away. "There you are, perfect communication."

"You scared my rabbit."

"Daniel, you are not here to feed rabbits, alien or otherwise." I turn to Teal'c. "What were you thinking of? Didn't I tell you not to let savage grasshoppers near him?"

"It did not look like an insect to me, O'Neill."

"Carter?"

"It didn't look very dangerous, sir."

"It didn't look dangerous." I raise my eyes to heaven. "A peanut butter sandwich could be dangerous around Daniel!"

"I do not understand how a peanut butter..."

I cut him off. "Don't go there, Teal'c."

"Don't you think you're being a little nervous, sir."

I raise a finger. "I am not over-reacting, I am not edgy, and I am not nervous, Carter."

"No, sir."

"So, let's go and spend another thrilling day at the ruins."

So we all head off to stare at not-hieroglyphs. It is just so thrilling. I think longingly of fishing, but the encounter with the alien rabbit has convinced me. It just isn't safe leaving Daniel.

After a while, I turn to Teal'c. "Let's play I Spy."

"I am not familiar with I Spy, O'Neill."

"It's easy, Teal'c. You just pick something that you can see, and tell me what letter it starts with. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with a, or whatever letter. You try it."

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with w. Wall."

"No, Teal'c, you don't tell me what it is. I have to guess what it is. You don't tell me."

"I have no wish to withhold information from you, O'Neill."

"It's the game, Teal'c. Now, try again."

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with d."

I think about it. "Doorway."

"That is incorrect, O'Neill."

"Drawing."

"That is still incorrect, O'Neill."

There doesn't seem much else around beginning with d. "Doodad."

"Doodad?"

"Those metal doodads Carter is getting so excited about."

"That is not correct, O'Neill."

"Okay, I give up. What is it?"

"I will not give you that information, O'Neill."

"Look, I've had three guesses. I didn't guess right. Now you tell me."

"You instructed me not to tell you, O'Neill."

"The rules say that you tell me after I've had three guesses."

"Are you attempting to obtain this information by deception, O'Neill?"

"For crying out loud, Teal'c, what is it that begins with d?"

"Uh, is there a problem, sir?"

"No, Carter, there is not a problem. Just never try and play I Spy with a Jaffa."

"I won't, sir."

I'm getting hungry. "Carter, are you on food duty?"

"No sir, I'm on coffee."

"Teal'c, are you on food duty?"

"You have three guesses, O'Neill. It should not be difficult to ascertain the correct answer."

"Teal'c, we are no longer playing I Spy. Are you on food duty?"

"No, O'Neill. I am to check the status of Daniel Jackson's shoelaces."

Somehow this gets through to the hieroglyph lover, who looks up from his notebook. "What was that?"

Sometimes Teal'c has no sense of discretion. He helpfully repeats it. "I am to check the status of Daniel Jackson's shoelaces."

Daniel advances with notebook in hand. "Jack?"

I back off, smiling my best friendly smile. "Daniel?"

"Did you order Teal'c to check my shoelaces?"

"It was a joke, Daniel. Stop threatening me with a deadly notebook."

"I wondered why he kept looking at my feet."

My backing off has brought me up against the wall. Nowhere further to retreat. "You know Teal'c. Still working on that sense of humor concept."

"I was mistaken in following your order, O'Neill?"

"Yeah, Teal'c. No checking on Daniel's shoelaces." I try the smile again. It doesn't go down very well. "Suppose I get us something to eat?"

Daniel sighs, and lowers the notebook. He turns away, muttering, "What can you expect from the Army?"

"That's AIR FORCE, Jackson!"

He doesn't pay any attention. He is back whispering sweet nothings to his not-hieroglyphs.

I go get food, and stick my head in the entrance room. "Food, children."

Carter and Teal'c come out of the dust zone, sit on the grass, and start eating. Daniel doesn't come. Surprise. Not.

"Daniel!"

"In a minute, Jack."

I head in. "Food, Daniel."

"I just need to..."

I try holding it under his nose. "Daniel, this is food. Food, this is Daniel."

"Just..."

I try it a bit louder. "Daniel! I, an Air Force Colonel, have personally made you this sandwich. AND YOU WILL EAT IT!"

Daniel jumps. "There's no need to shout, Jack."

Still, he takes the sandwich. Yell an order in his ear, and it sometimes gets through. He takes an absent-minded bite of sandwich, still staring at the wall, then looks suspiciously down at the sandwich.

"Something wrong?"

"I can't eat this."

"What's wrong with it?"

"This is a peanut butter sandwich. I am not safe with a peanut butter sandwich, remember."

"Sure you are, Daniel. Just my little joke." I try the smile again. "Have another sandwich."

He takes the second sandwich. "Is this peanut butter?"

"This is meat."

"What sort of meat?"

"Meat that came out of a tin."

Daniel takes a bite of the second sandwich. "Tastes terrible."

"Terrible tasting meat that comes out of a tin. Maybe it would taste better if you came out of the dust."

Daniel mutters something through another bite of terrible tasting meat sandwich. It sounds like "Later."

"There's coffee outside..."

Even the mention of coffee doesn't do the trick.

I give in. "I'll get you some coffee." I head outside and get a cup of coffee from Carter. Then I stick my head back in the entrance. "Daniel!"

He has his attention on something by the wall. I take the coffee in. "DANIEL, COFFEE!"

Daniel jumps nervously, and makes a gagging noise.

"Daniel?"

He turns round. Omigod, his face and chest are covered in blood. "CARTER! TEAL'C!" I've got the gun out, but there's nothing in the room to shoot except a bloodstained archaeologist and me. No time to check the area. If it got his throat, Daniel could be bleeding to death. Anyway, Carter and Teal'c are running through the doorway, so they can cover our backs. I go for Daniel.

"Jack, get off my shirt!"

"Daniel, keep still. Where are you wounded?" I make a discovery. "Daniel, this is tomato ketchup."

"I know it's tomato ketchup, Jack." Daniel pushes me away, and starts dabbing at his shirt with a paper tissue, but it doesn't stand a chance. It is going to take a lot more than one paper tissue to save that shirt.

"Why are you covered in tomato ketchup, Daniel?"

"I am covered in tomato ketchup, Jack, because some idiot came up behind me and yelled just when I was putting tomato ketchup on a foul tasting sandwich. It is one of those plastic squeezy bottles, and when I jumped I squeezed the bottle."

"I didn't know you liked tomato ketchup."

"It hides the taste of some of the revolting food we eat." Daniel looks down at his clothes. "It also ruins shirts."

"I'm sorry, Daniel."

The Ketchup Kid heads out, presumably looking for somewhere to wash.

"Teal'c, keep an eye on Daniel."

Teal'c heads off after Daniel. Carter looks thoughtfully across at me.

"I am not getting nervous, Carter!"

"No, sir."

"Do you know anything about tomato ketchup bottles?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Are they all plastic and squeezy?"

"I think you can get glass ones."

I consider this. Daniel. Glass. No. "Add tomato ketchup to the essential equipment list. Plastic bottle."

"Yes, sir." Carter pauses. "Uh, sir?"

"Something wrong, Carter?"

"I'm not sure that tomato ketchup is going to look very good on an essential equipment list."

"If Daniel needs ketchup, he gets official Air Force ketchup. I am not having any further ketchup smuggling while I lead SG1! And you, Carter, are officially responsible for guarding the ketchup between meals."

"Guarding the ketchup, sir?"

"Daniel is only allowed access to the ketchup at meal times. I aged several decades before I found out that blood was really ketchup. If that happens again, Carter, I will hold you personally responsible. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir."

"Put a note on the essential equipment list. Tell them the ketchup is essential for deciphering ancient hieroglyphs."

"How would ketchup help you decipher hieroglyphs?"

"Tell them we use it to fill in the grooves so they photograph better. Be creative, Carter."

"Yes, sir."

At this point, we hear the distinctive sound of a staff weapon being fired outside. Carter and I sprint for the doorway, colliding on the way out. When we get outside, there is Teal'c, Daniel, and a patch of burned grass.

"What did you shoot, Teal'c?"

"I believe I saw a grasshopper, O'Neill. I could not determine if it was savage or not."

I look at him for ten seconds. Anyone other than Teal'c, and I would think... No, Teal'c would never come up with something like that. On the other hand... I turn to the Ketchup Kid. "Daniel!"

Day Three

"This is more revenge, isn't it?"

"What are you talking about, Jack?"

"Getting Hammond to let us stay longer. You're making me keep looking at those hieroglyphs in revenge."

"They aren't hieroglyphs, Jack."

"I don't care whether they are or aren't hieroglyphs, Daniel."

"Jack, I just need a little longer to get the basic information available for the follow-up team."

"The metal alloys are really exciting too, sir."

"I am not excited by metal alloys, Carter."

"These are metal alloys not available on Earth, sir. If we can duplicate the process..."

"I get the idea, Carter."

"We just have one more room to cover, Jack."

"I am so happy."

So, Teal'c and I mark time again. We are now in the large back room. Some sort of Goa'uld living room maybe. A nice place to invite the neighbors round. Daniel is working on a doorway near the entrance. Carter has found some more metal doodads to play with at the far end of the room. I have found a nice patch of undisturbed dust, and I'm trying to teach Teal'c to play checkers.

"Look Teal"c, this is the board. Now all we need is..." I check my pockets. "Have you got any money, Carter?"

"I don't usually find it very useful on a mission, sir."

"Damn. We need something to use for counters." I think for a moment. "Daniel, can we borrow those bits of broken pot you found?"

"I believe those will be too large to be suitable for the purpose, O'Neill."

The answer to that is obvious. "We can break them up a bit smaller."

"You can't do that, Jack! Those are valuable archaeological finds."

"I was only joking, Daniel."

And so begins another long day of watching dust settle. It isn't so bad for Teal'c. He can always meditate, and he has the odd moment of excitement when Daniel or Sam wants to consult him on something. I just get to watch the dust whiz up in the air when people move, and slowly settle down again. It makes a man feel completely pointless.

Eventually, it is time to dig out food again. My major excitement of the day. I wander over and hand Daniel an MRE. He looks at it as if he has never seen one before. "No peanut butter sandwiches?"

"The last of the bread turned green and we buried it."

"Oh."

"Eat Daniel. Nice food. Tastes like chicken." It does at that. Possibly a chicken that died from an especially repulsive disease, but it tastes like chicken. I smile encouragingly. "You like chicken."

"I liked chicken the first three thousand times, Jack."

"Try it with ketchup." I wander casually down the other end of the room, to join Teal'c and Carter. We all peer furtively over our shoulders, watching Daniel take out his tomato ketchup bottle, and squirt it on the pseudo-chicken. He looks across at us suspiciously, and we all pretend to be interested in one of Carter's metal doodads.

"Do you think he'll eat it with ketchup, sir?" Carter sneaks another look over her shoulders.

"I really hope so. We have got to find a better solution to feeding Daniel. The General didn't seem very happy when he caught Teal'c trying to smuggle three giant pizzas through the Stargate."

"I don't think your explanation about Giant Pandas really helped, sir."

"That was a good explanation, Carter. Daniel is exactly like a Giant Panda. He needs a special diet to tempt his appetite. If he doesn't get it, he stops eating and fades away. Just like a Giant Panda that doesn't get enough bamboo."

Teal'c has been following the conversation with careful attention. "And you believe that tomato ketchup will turn an MRE into bamboo, O'Neill?"

"We can only hope so, Teal'c."

We all peer over our shoulders again. Our Giant Panda is sniffing suspiciously at his bamboo. He looks across at us and we all look pointedly at the metal doodad.

"So, Carter," I say in a carefully loud voice. "What is the purpose of these metal doodads?"

"I'm afraid I don't know, sir. They seem to be the right shape to fit into these hole, but when I try it nothing happens." She picks up a metal doodad and slots it into a metal doodad shaped hole. The metal doodad lights up and makes a humming noise. "Ah. Perhaps it has to be the right hole."

"Good thinking, Carter. I wonder what it did."

I am interrupted by a sort of heavy stone-on-stone grinding noise. I turn and see something sliding down to block the doorway, and I sprint and make a dive for the opening. Daniel is nearest the doorway. He dives as well, and slides through, notebook still in one hand and ketchup in the other. I'm that fraction too late, and stop my slide just in time to avoid turning into a nasty patch of mashed human. As it is, the door traps the edge of my sleeve, and I have to tug hard to get it back. Our new door is solid stone and very tight fitting. There is something red and sticky oozing from under it.

"DANIEL!"

"I'm here, Jack." His voice comes from the other side of the stone door.

"Did it squish you?"

"I'm fine, Jack. I rolled on the ketchup bottle on my way out." There is a thoughtful pause. "I'm rather covered in ketchup again."

Carter and Teal'c arrive and examine the door.

"Carter, open the door."

Carter heads back and takes the metal doodad out of the hole.

"The door isn't opening, Carter."

Carter puts the metal doodad back in the hole.

"The door still isn't opening, Carter."

"I can see that, sir."

Carter comes over and has a conference with Daniel through the door. Then she goes back and tries the metal doodad in a lot of other holes.

"Carter, there is still a certain lack of openness about this door."

She comes over and has another chat with the door.

"Are we making any progress, people?"

"Daniel thinks the door may be opened from the entrance chamber. There is a similar arrangement out there."

"I know. I saw the doodads."

"Jack." Daniel's voice comes from the other side of the door. "I'll try and open the door from the entrance chamber. If that doesn't work, then I could go through the Stargate and get some back up."

I am not prone to psychic visions of the future, but at this moment a picture of the future appeared to me in ghastly clarity. The SGC detecting an incoming wormhole. It is SG1 making an unscheduled return. They open the iris, and Daniel Jackson arrives, alone, and apparently covered in blood. Medical personnel leap on him and after extensive tests discover that the blood is actually tomato ketchup. Daniel then explains that SG1, pride of the SGC, has managed to lock themselves in a Goa'uld bathroom and can someone please go let them out. I bury my head in my hands. It would take the rest of my career to live it down.

"Daniel."

"Yes, Jack."

"I will be very, very grateful if you manage to open the door."

"Okay Jack. I'll..."

Daniel stops as we all hear another grinding sound. No, make that several grinding sounds. Somewhere, some very large lumps of rock are moving around. I look hopefully at the door, but it isn't moving.

"Carter, what?"

I stop, becoming aware that something is falling on my head. Soft, trickling. It seems to be sand. I look up, holding a hand to keep the sand out of my eyes. Several holes have opened in the ceiling, and sand is pouring through them.

"Jack, what is happening?"

"It's okay, Daniel. Someone is pouring sand through the ceiling at us."

"Uh, that doesn't sound okay, Jack. How much sand?"

I assess the situation. "Quite a lot of sand, Daniel."

"Can you stop it?"

"Teal'c and Carter are already trying." If it weren't serious, it would be funny. Carter is sitting on Teal'c's shoulders, trying to block one of the holes with a jacket. They are both getting buried in sand. The holes are too big to block, too small for even Carter to get through. I watch for a few seconds.

"We can't block the holes, Daniel."

"Jack, I've got to get the door open."

I agree with this assessment of the situation. Right now, the three of us are looking like ants stuck in the bottom of an hourglass, with sand pouring on top of them. The bottom foot of the door has already vanished. This is not good.

"You do that, Daniel." I start pulling myself out of the sand, before I get buried. It is surprisingly difficult. "Watch your step," I add absentmindedly.

There's a thoughtful pause from the other side of the door. I'm about to tell Daniel to hurry up before we get buried alive, when he says. "I think you could be right, Jack."

I could? About what? "Uh, I'm always right, Daniel."

"If we've set off some sort of burglar alarm, then there could be traps out here as well."

This registers in my brain. "Oh, great."

"I'll just try..."

Daniel stops talking and there is the sound of some sort of energy weapon firing.

"DANIEL! Are you okay?"

"It shot my ketchup bottle. Now it must be detecting my movement."

Daniel is off in thinking aloud mode.

"There's a small hole, where the beam came from. So, if I..."

I hear the sound of an energy weapon again.

"Daniel?"

"It's okay, Jack. I squirted ketchup in the hole, so it can't detect me moving. Now the question is - what happens when I move on to the next flagstone? Maybe it would be better to..."

I climb up some more shifting sand, listening hard for clues from the other side of the door. Actually, I didn't need to listen that hard. I hear more grinding sounds of stone-on-stone.

"Daniel?"

"I hit the next flagstone with my ketchup bottle, and a pit opened in the floor. Well, that simplifies the options a little."

"How deep is this pit? Are we talking shallow, broken ankle, major injuries, or never needing to worry about anything again?"

"Broken ankle I would think. Not that the ankle would be a problem."

"Why wouldn't the broken ankle be a problem, Daniel?"

"Because all the little pointed stakes in the bottom would break my fall, Jack."

Oh great. We have now lost three feet of door under the sand. I know Goa'uld like high ceilings. I will never criticize their high ceilings again. Even so, we only have a limited amount of time.

Daniel is off again. "Now the pit stretches almost the whole width of the room, but there is a small ledge on either side. I can inch along that, but it runs out a few feet before the end of the pit. Then you have to jump. The flagstone you land on just has to be trapped. Jack?"

"Yeah, Daniel."

"I have to go."

There doesn't seem to be any other option. "Take care, Daniel."

I've been sinking into the sand during this conversation. I pull myself out from under the sand again, and check on the others. Teal'c and Carter are pulling the packs out and stacking them on top of the sand.

"Have your pack, sir." Carter shoves my pack across the sand at me.

I'm fully occupied with sand. "Do I want my pack?"

Teal'c explains. "If you lie on top of it, O'Neill, it prevents you sinking into the sand."

I drape myself across the pack. It does help a bit. "Oh, great. Sand surfing. Do you think it could make the Olympics?"

"I doubt it, sir."

"O'Neill, how is Daniel Jackson?"

"Daniel is fine. He blinded an energy weapon with tomato ketchup. Now he's teetering along the edge of a pit full of sharpened stakes. After that, he gets to jump on to a booby-trapped flagstone."

Teal'c and Carter consider this.

"It is unfortunate that we are not in a position to assist him."

"Yeah, Teal'c. I was thinking that."

"Still, I am confident in the abilities of Daniel Jackson."

"Yeah, Teal'c. Absolutely nothing to worry about, except we are getting buried in sand again."

We dig ourselves and the packs out of the sand again, and try some more sand surfing. The ceiling is getting closer. If I weren't lying down, I'd have to bend my head.

"I don't suppose that there is any point in you trying those metal doodads in the holes again, Carter?"

"I don't think so, sir. I've still got some of the metal artifacts, but the holes are under several feet of sand."

"Good point, Carter."

So, not much to do, except wonder how Daniel is getting on, periodically dig ourselves out of the sand, and watch the ceiling get closer. My fault. I shouldn't have complained about things being boring. I could use a little boredom right now.

Time passes. Hard to tell how much. I've still got my watch, but I keep losing the flashlight in the sand. Anyway, Daniel has been gone quite a while. No chance of any news from the other side of the door, because the door has been buried for some time. Despite the fact I'm almost lying down, I bang my head on the ceiling while I'm digging out my pack. The remaining air seems to be full of sand dust, so we all tie things over our mouths. This is not looking good.

I'm just coming to the conclusion that Daniel hasn't made it, when there is the sound of grating rocks again. Sand starts pouring away beneath us, sweeping us with it. Now I know how a spider feels going down the drain. I'm nearest the door still, and I go sliding down a sudden slope. The top of the doorway appears, and I'm sand surfing through it head first. On the other side, I get a brief view of sand pouring down into a pit full of spikes, when someone grabs my ankles. I am glad about this. I'm not eager to meet the spikes, and also the stone floor is sliding back into place. I'd hate to get in its way.

"Are you all right, O'Neill?"

"I'm fine, thanks Teal'c."

The floor is back in place over the pit and the remaining sand stops moving. We start digging ourselves out, and the Ketchup Kid appears out of the haze of sand. He is covered in red, sticky stuff, but he appears to be in one piece, and without any spikes sticking in him.

"Everybody okay? Jack, Sam, Teal'c?"

"We're fine, Daniel." I dust myself off, and sit back down on the sand. "This sand surfing really takes it out of you."

"Uh, I suppose it does, Jack."

"So, you didn't fall in the pit. How did you manage jumping on to the booby-trapped flagstone?"

"I threw my ketchup bottle at it first." Daniel points across the room. "It killed my ketchup bottle."

I heave myself up again, and head across to take a look. A very large lump of stone appears to have fallen from the ceiling. A sad patch of tomato ketchup is oozing from beneath it. "Never mind, Daniel. It died nobly. Anyway, we are heading back through the Stargate now. There will be more bottles of tomato ketchup."

"I haven't finished work on those inscriptions yet!"

"I might have known." I turn to Carter and Teal'c. "We escape certain death by inches. Well, call it two feet, judging from the way I kept banging my head on the ceiling. And he just wants to get back to his hieroglyphs." I turn back to Daniel. "Well, you can't."

"Why not, Jack. It seems quite safe now."

"For one very good reason. Your hieroglyphs are buried in tons of sand. I am not digging out tons of sand. I have spent enough time digging sand today."

"I do know that, Jack. I've got this idea. If we turn the pyramid traps back on..."

"Turn them back on?" He's mad. The strain of inching along beside that pit must have been the final straw. "If you do that, Daniel, a huge pit opens up in the floor, full of nasty spikes."

"Exactly, Jack, and the sand falls in the pit. We just need to turn things on and off a few times. We keep opening the door and letting the sand out. Then opening the pit to let the sand fall in."

"No, Daniel."

"But, Jack."

"NO, DANIEL!"

Daniel looks at Carter. "Sam?"

"I don't think so, Daniel."

"Teal'c?"

"It does not seem a wise course of action, Daniel Jackson."

"But..."

"Daniel, we are collecting our equipment, we are cleaning off your tomato ketchup, and we are leaving. Without delay, without discussion, and without any more playing with pyramid burglar alarms. You can suggest your bright idea to the follow up team. If they are completely insane, they may even try it."

* * * *

So, we head back through the Stargate, and General Hammond appears to count how many of us there are, see if we are all in one piece, and generally say hello.

"We weren't expecting you back quite this soon, Colonel O'Neill. I thought Dr Jackson wanted some more time with the inscriptions."

Daniel opens his mouth, but I wave a hand at him. "Hush Daniel." I turn back to Hammond. "We hit a few problems when we accidentally set off the burglar alarm system, sir. Lots of nasty traps. Rooms sealed off. Being buried alive in sand. You know the sort of thing."

"It sounds hazardous, Colonel."

If it wasn't for Daniel's PTDD, we would all be dead, sir."

I can feel Daniel, Teal'c and Carter looking at me. Teal'c is about to say something about how he is not familiar with this device, but fortunately Hammond gets there first.

"PTDD, Colonel?"

"Pyramid Trap Disabling Device, sir. Marvelous thing. Got Daniel past an energy weapon, and a pit full of spikes."

General Hammond looks at Daniel. "I wasn't aware that you had made such a device, Dr Jackson."

Daniel opens his mouth, then shuts it again and looks at me.

"It's more a new application of existing technology, sir."

"I'll be interested to see it, Colonel."

"I'm afraid that it was completely destroyed by the last trap, when a huge rock fell on it. Still, we hope to have another one soon. I don't want SG1 to go off world again without a PTDD, sir."

"That seems a good idea, Colonel."

I turn to Carter. "Carter."

"Yes, sir."

"Put the PTDD on our essential equipment list."

"Yes, sir."