MEMOIRS OF
BRIGADIER GENERAL JACK O’NEILL
(Retired)
Part I
Chapter Three
By Arrietty
2004
I felt as though I was suspended in midair: sounds washed over me that I was unable to grasp and make sense of. Slowly, I worked out each little nuance as it made itself recognizable to my ears. Loud beeps slowly filled the room, one coming from just by my head. All were going at different rhythms, and then a non rhythmic sound penetrated through the muffled noise, the sound of someone talking. The person was angry, I could feel and hear the anger without understanding the words. I had to know why that person was angry; I felt it was important for me to know why. But the answer to my question eluded me as the harsh sounds receded into the background of the general noise that filled my head.
I jerked awake, sound and light assaulting my senses as I tried to sit up. Realization had hit me full force as I remembered who the person was and why he was angry. I heard a crash as I knocked over a small table beside my bed as I staggered onto the floor. I felt numb, no pain, nothing, all my limbs felt like rubber. Sounds were getting louder, there were voices calling out things I could not understand. The beeping that I had heard before was going wildly erratic. Blurred images came towards me.
“General? Get back into bed, you are injured.”
“Doc? Is that you?”
I felt warm hands take my arm and gently push me back towards the bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, blinding light shone into one my eyes. ‘O’Neill, you’ve really done it now. Gone and busted your head right and good this time.’ But no, the same light was shone into my other eye, causing pain to shoot down into the back of my head.
“Doc. Why do you always have to do that?”
I heard muffled voices, but I still couldn’t work out the words clearly. Grabbing the arm, that had been holding the torturous instrument, I forced out painful words.
“Janet? I’m sorry, I couldn’t save her.”
It went quiet. Only the noise of beeping monitors filled the room. My vision was still blurry, but I was starting to make out the forms of people.
“O’Neill.”
“Teal’c. Are you all right?”
“I am, and Daniel Jackson is recovering well.”
Letting out my breath slowly, I felt the warm hands on my arm as they checked my IV shunt. “Janet?”
“I am Doctor Melling, General O’Neill. Doctor Fraiser is no longer here.”
The steady beep of machines started to go erratic again.
“General? Can you hear me?”
As I slid into blessed oblivion, I could hear the steady rumble of Teal’c’s voice as he asked if I was going to be all right.
~*~
2025
I know I’m supposed to tell about the time I spent in the infirmary, but I can’t. It was a time that went in a blur, I couldn’t focus and I found I kept forgetting that they were gone. I lost count of the number of times Teal’c explained to me what had happened on Baal’s planet. Finally, one morning I woke up and remembered, and I didn’t forget. But it was too late.
~*~
2005
I had missed New Year. I had slept right through it all; in fact I had slept through a lot. It was now nine days since that fateful day on Baal’s planet.
The first question I asked Teal’c, “Did you bring her back?”
“I did not succeed. We left it too late; for that I apologies, O’Neill.”
“We can go back and get her now.”
Teal’c looked almost sorrowful as he fought to find the right words. I began to feel desperate.
“Teal’c, we can can’t we?”
“Baal released the toxin into the planets atmosphere. We could not return to retrieve her body, nor will we be able to.”
Stuffing more feelings into my overfull drawers of emotion, I let my tactical mind take over.
“What about Baal? What happened to him?”
“Of that, we are unsure.”
Daniel seemed okay; he was hovering around me like a mother hen. The armored plates fitted into our vests that had saved me before had now saved him, but not Carter.
Apparently my head had received a good whack and I had had a severe concussion. The outside was mending perfectly. The inside, well that was a totally different can of worms and one that I was not going to delve into. Keep the lid tightly sealed shut was my motto. Don’t let anyone in there and stir things up, it was all nicely packed away in the tidy little drawers. The only problem I was having with this one was that the drawer wasn’t big enough.
~*~
I had been up two days before they had the memorial service I wanted to wear my sunglasses, but it is hard to convince seasoned airmen that the sun was too bright twenty-eight levels underground. I didn’t speak at this service Hammond was there, but I couldn’t look at him or Jacob. Jacob had finished his mission and the SGC had been able to contact him. That alone had been a miracle - since the disintegration of our alliance, they had been impossible to contact. I could still feel the combined wrath of Jacob and Selmac emanating from his body; it had festered and increased with time. I noticed a marked absence of Anise; just as well, as I don’t think she would have felt very welcome.
Hammond spoke about Colonel Carter, the courageous officer that she was, what a great mind that had managed to get the Stargate systems in place. All of her military attributes filling the room. Things were mentioned that had come to be part of everyday life for all of us here at the SGC. Colonel Carter’s exploits were praised and remembered by everyone, but me. The memories that flooded my mind were the gentle and quiet moments, the times that we just were. Slivers of calm inserted into our crazy existence of saving the world. The sacrifice was always thought to be necessary, but now, I have doubts.
I watched numbed through as Jacob received the flag from General Hammond. He stood there, in full dress uniform. He too, I could see, was wondering if this was all worth it.
~*~
I was back, sitting in General Hammond’s chair. Never could quite claim it fully as mine. Teams were exploring new worlds just like normal. No sign of Baal, or any snake infested Goa’ulds for that matter. They seemed to have disappeared out of the universe. The only mounting battle that I was fighting was the pile of paperwork that was teetering dangerously on the edge of my desk. How Hammond managed to keep his desk so clear was beyond me. Half an hour later, I realized that I had been totally lost in thought and the pile hadn’t got any smaller. I lost the battle with the paperwork as I reached across to retrieve the top folder, it fell on the floor. I have no idea if it made any noise as it was drowned out by the crash of my office door banging open against the wall.
Sprawled across my desk clutching falling files, I looked up into the furious face of a General… Tok’ra… whatever you call him. Both Jacob and I had sort of avoided each other since the memorial service. In fact we hadn’t spoken face to face yet at all.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JACK?”
Uh oh it was the General, not the Tok’ra, speaking. When Jacob was like this, I usually preferred Selmac.
“Trying to stop a paper slide actually.” Giving up, I let the rest drop to the floor as I slowly stood up and took a couple of steps back. Jacob was not just angry - he was beyond angry.
“Nothing?” I tentively asked.
“That is right, Brigadier General Jack O’Neill, absolutely NOTHING!” He had started at a whisper, his voice getting louder until it I am sure it could be heard topside.
“What…are…you…doing…about…getting…my…daughter…back?” He had begun to lean further over the desk towards me. I was thankful that the desk was of solid oak and that Jacob pounding it with his fist with every word was not going to do it much damage. ‘Rather the desk than me.’
An angry Jacob I could just about cope with, but an angry Tok’ra, nope. I backed right up against the bookcase, as soon as the flash of light appeared behind Jacob’s eyes.
“I apologies for Jacob’s behavior just now.” Selmac spoke calmly and quietly. But I still didn’t relax fully; you never knew when Jacob just might pop right out again. And I did not…want to be within flying fist distance when he did.
“He is very distressed and I will not let him go back to the planet as it will kill us both.”
Without warning, my legs began to tremble. Being a rather unfamiliar feeling I let myself sink down into my chair, gesturing to Selmac to follow suit with the chair behind him. He gave a small smile as he sat down, nodding his thanks.
“Jacob will not like me telling you this, but he needs help. Help that I cannot give.”
I leaned forward on my elbows, resting my chin on my hands and listened as Selmac spoke.
“He feels guilty that Sam was killed, he believes it was his fault because he was not there. That if he had not been called away to another mission, the extra person would have been enough to prevent her death.”
He then proceeded to explain what Jacob was going through. At first I was embarrassed for Jacob that his personal feelings were displayed like this, but the feeling of embarrassment turned into discomfort. Selmac was describing my feelings right down to a ‘T’. By the knowing look that Selmac was giving me, he was fully aware of my uneasiness. It really hit home, when Selmac said that Jacob had thrown a tray of food at Anise when she had tried to speak to him. I silently cheered the action, and then remembered the smashed bottle of beer that was still dripping down the living room wall of my house; it most probably had congealed to a sticky irremovable stain by now.
“Selmac.” He stopped talking and waited for me to continue. “I want to talk to Jacob.”
Selmac closed his eyes and as his eyes opened Jacob looked straight at me and just said two words.
“What next?”
He looked tired, beaten, not the Jacob I knew. He looked like I felt; dead inside.
“We…go kick some Goa’uld butt.” I stood up as I finished my sentence. The realization of what I had said dawned across Jacob’s face at about the same time it hit home to me. He nodded.
“Selmac thinks it might be a good idea, but first of all we have to find them. They have gone, disappeared. We have no idea where they are. The Tok’ra have only come across three Goa’ulds since the demise of Anubis, and they were very minor Goa’ulds without power or many Jaffa. Baal has gone too.”
I could see the despair leave Jacob’s face as he spoke, he was like me. We needed some action, something that would release all the pent up emotions and grieving.
“So, Jack. What do you mean as in ‘we’? A team, would you let me have a team?”
I stayed standing and looked blankly at him, then shook my head. “No. No team, Jacob. - You get me.”
“How?”
“That is if you’ll have me.” Smiling sidewise I then sat back down in my seat.
“But, Jack, you‘re needed here.”
“No I am not, Jacob. They don’t need me, I’m not doing the job to my fullest ability and I’m not cut out to be a desk jockey.” Softening my voice, I continued to speak. “When Selmac was talking about you, Jacob…” Jacob looked uncomfortable, so I finished quickly. “He might as well have been talking about me.”
Jacob’s head shot up and he looked straight at me. Leaning forward he stared hard at me before he spoke, “Selmac knew it; he was right.”
He looked down at his hands for a bit, before looking at me again. “Jack, I knew about the zatarc incident. I had just sort of hoped that things had come right over time, and when Pete came on the scene, well…” His voice broke slightly, and then he looked around the room before continuing. “I wish I had talked to her about it, before…”
I watched Jacob’s eyes begin to tear, and then it hit the fan. ‘Where are those sunglasses when you need them?’ I violently stood up, turned away and faced the bookcase stuffing my clenched fists deep into my pockets to stop me from smashing the glass doors. I closed my eyes tightly as I tidied my emotions back into their neat little drawers and shoved it all away again. When I was ready, I turned back, but Jacob had gone, and I hadn’t even heard him leave.
“First things first,” I muttered to myself as I bent down and picked up the mass of files and dumped them onto the middle of my desk. Without hesitation I lifted the red phone that sat on my desk and spoke into it.
“This is Brigadier General Jack O’Neill; may I please speak with the President?”
~*~
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