Let Them Eat Cake
“General O’Neill”
I just about jumped out of my skin. You’d think that I’d be use to it by now, but having Thor materialise in my back garden just as I was carrying the beers out from the house was so totally unexpected that he caught me completely off guard. My hand flew to my chest and I managed to hold my heart in place for long enough to breathe again.
I quickly checked my guests – just Daniel and Teal’c at the moment, but there were others due to arrive. “Thor buddy, what are you doing here?”
“We decided to avail ourselves of your generous offer. We were honoured that you invited us to the celebration of your birth.”
Oh … My … God!
It really wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t to know, was I? It was just an innocent comment – you know – the sort of thing that you say to fill an awkward gap in the conversation. I had no idea that Thor would take it so seriously.
It had been during a break in one of these interminable meetings that are about as riveting as watching a plank warp. Hammond keeps sending me to them - I swear that man hates me. All the usual suspects were present – the Asgard, the Nox, the Tok’ra, rebel Jaffa and a few other assorted odds and sods. Even had an Unas rep for the first time. We were standing around making small talk and it just slipped out.
Shit! Might as well kill me now before George arrives.
Wait a second!
“We?” I had this very very deep sinking feeling.
“Yes, General O’Neill, we discussed it and decided that it would be the prefect opportunity to observe human celebratory customs. The others will be arriving presently.”
“Others?” I could barely bring myself to ask.
“Lya of the Nox and the Tok’ra Garshaw have also expressed interest in joining us. I believe that Master Bra’tac was quite excited by the invitation.”
Bra’tac excited. Now there’s an image that you don’t get everyday. I could just picture Bra’tac’s little smile of anticipation. He knew exactly what he was doing. I’d have to watch him.
Damn – I’d have to watch them all. Maybe I could fix this before General Hammond … Crap!
“General O’Neill!” Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, George was interrupted by the sparkle of an Asgard transporter device.
“It is good to see you again so soon, General. I hope that you don’t mind, but Anise expressed a desire to join us for the festivities. The Asgard were kind enough to make our travel easier.” Garshaw graciously nodded to Thor and turned back to me with a polite smile.
“General O’Neill.” The other Tok’ra woman standing on my lawn gave me more than a polite smile. She stepped up and placed her lovely arm on mine and purred into my ear. “I am pleased to be able to spend some time with you. We have much to talk about.”
This day was just getting better by the second.
I had no idea that the General could turn that lovely shade of puce. He gave me a furious glare and spoke. “I’m afraid that you’ll have to wait, Freya. I have something very important to discuss with the General.”
I had never thought that I would ever be sorry to leave Freya/Anise’s beautiful clutches until that moment. George’s grip on my arm was tight and determined. We ended up in my living room, standing eye to eye and toe to toe. At least we were for about the five seconds that it took before I looked over into the corner and started shifting my feet.
He had his hands on his hips – not a stance that he took very often, in fact I only remember one other time… Oh shit! Time for very swift explanations.
“Sir, I didn’t invite them. I..”
“Are you telling me that Commander Thor and Councillor Garshaw are lying, General?”
“No, sir. No. Never.” I knew the right answer to that question. “It’s just that they misinterpreted a casual comment.”
“So you didn’t invite them?”
I hesitated for just a second, but I couldn’t do it. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I may have invited them, but I didn’t think that they would accept.” I was getting more desperate with every word. Puce does so not suit George.
“Jack!”
Oh thank God! I turned eagerly at the sound of Daniel’s voice calling from the garden.
“In here, Daniel.” Great, a distraction.
“I am here, human.”
Oh goody! More company. What fun.
I managed to stagger back out into the garden. Yes – there was Bra’tac, a sardonic smile on his face, and Lya, looking as arboreal as ever.
“Get rid of them! Now!” I didn’t think that General Hammond could hiss. I’ve never heard him hiss before.
“How, sir? Tell me and I’ll do it. Gladly!” I could hiss back with the best of them. I am an expert hisser after many missions where quiet conversation was essential.
“Who do you wish to get rid of, General?” The sweet tones of the Nox woman wafted clearly to me from across the BBQ. Are these people like some sort of super heroes? Super hearing. What will it be next? X-ray vision?
“The insects, Lya. Flies. They can be very annoying around food.” A beautiful recovery, if I do say so myself. There was an audible laugh from the direction of my two oh so supportive team mates.
“Hi. Sir. Where will I put the ….” Carter’s words stammered to a stop as she rounded the corner of the house and stopped dead, open-mouthed. I couldn’t blame her. We had one grey naked alien, a woman with a forest growing out of her head, an armour covered warrior holding a large weapon, two women in robes – one extremely scantily clad, and a puce colored general. I think that it was the puce colored general that shocked her the most.
“Happy birthday, Jack. Having a good day?” Jacob Carter took the bowls of salad from his daughter and placed them on the table. He let his gaze wander around the gathering and turned back to me with a grin the size of Texas.
I could hear George on his cell phone, issuing rapid orders. Something about cordoning off the house. My new neighbors had already scrubbed me from their Christmas card list. This would be the icing on the cake as far as they were concerned.
“Hey. Great party, Uncle Jack. Going to introduce me?’ Cassie was practically bouncing with excitement. She and the Doc must have just gotten through before the cordon was thrown up. “Here, I got you this.” She thrust a parcel wrapped in brightly patterned paper into my hands before I could even answer. “Open it. Now.”
“What is that, O’Neill?” Bra’tac eyed the box with a suspicious stare. They obviously didn’t go in for gift wrapping on Chulak.
“It’s a gift, Master Bra’tac” Teal’c came to stand next to the Jaffa. “It is tradition for the guests to give a small token to the person whose birthday it is.”
“Now that you remind me, here you go Jack.” Jacob tossed an envelope in my general direction. I managed to catch it while still holding on to Cassie’s box.
“Open mine first, Uncle Jack.” Jacob smiled at the glare that he received from the teenager and gave a nod for me to go ahead.
I walked over to the table and carefully unwrapped the parcel, watched by an interested crowd that looked like something out of a Barnum and Bailey circus. Somehow Jacob, Bra’tac and Thor had managed to acquire beer bottles and were sipping at them with varying degrees of pleasure. I gave Daniel a quick look, trying desperately to warn him to watch Thor, but he seemed to be studiously avoiding my eyes.
I finally unfurled the gift from its cocoon of wrapping paper and tissue and held it up. A black T-shirt was revealed. Emblazoned across the front was a picture of Thor with the words “I lost my spaceship in a poker game and now all I have is this lousy
T-shirt.”
Ever wanted to bang your head against something until you were unconscious?
The general hilarity from the human contingent was in direct contrast to the puzzled silence from most of the aliens.
I glared at the Doc and she managed to control her giggles enough to speak. “Don’t look at me, sir. She’s old enough to pick her own presents these days.”
“I do not understand, O’Neill. I thought that your government desired to keep our existence a secret. Will not the wearing of this apparel endanger that?” Thor was peering closely at the shirt. “Also I am confused as to why you would wish to wear an image of an Asgard.”
It suddenly occurred to me – perhaps Thor couldn’t read English? Before anyone could explain the joke to him, I picked up Jacob’s envelope. Maybe I could distract them. I had the flap half way open when a horrible thought struck me, Jacob’s sense of humor was even worse than Cassie’s. I looked up at the expectant faces and realised that I had to open it now. No choice. Jacob had seen my hesitation and gave me a very Teal’c-like lift of his eyebrow.
My heart in my mouth, I pulled a piece of paper from the envelope and read it. It was with great relief that I found myself holding a ticket to a concert – Mozart. Cool.
After that I started to relax a little and actually began to enjoy myself. That was until Thor approached me while I was turning the hamburgers.
“I contacted Chaka and…” I think that for one brief second my heart actually stopped beating. A Unas. Here. In my garden.
I must have looked a little pale because he hurried on. “Unfortunately he wasn’t able to come. I am sorry if it upsets you. Perhaps I could…”
“No!” I don’t know what he was going to suggest, but whatever it was, I didn’t want to know. I must have startled him, because he took a step back.
A warm hand wrapped itself around my upper arm. “General O’Neill. You seem troubled. Is there anything that I can do to help?” The gentle warmth of her breath felt soft across the back of my neck. For just one brief moment I leaned into her before reality hit.
Crap!
Anise! Or Freya? Or… Oh whatever!
I stiffened up and took a step sideways – straight into Bra’tac.
“Careful, human, or I may forget that this celebration is in your honour.”
Being at the receiving end of one of Master Bra’tac’s stares is not a good feeling. After apologising profusely I retreated back to the relative peace of the BBQ, where Daniel had taken over and was doing a fine job avoiding everyone while turning the food. I managed to wrestle the tongs from his hand, even though he did cling to them rather desperately. I think that my muttering of “My tongs. My food. My party.” were the deciding factor as he relinquished them and backed away slowly.
I had a few wonderful minutes of peace before Lya smiled and walked towards me. Now Lya I could cope with. She wasn’t going to jump on me and stick a tongue down my throat. She wouldn’t threaten me with grievous bodily harm. She wouldn’t laugh at me – I was looking over at the Carters and Fraisers as I thought this.
She wouldn’t spoil my birthday party.
“General O’Neill, I wanted to wish….” She stopped as her gaze fell on the food. I’m sure that I saw her face blanch. “They are flesh?”
Peachy. Should have guessed. Vegetarian.
Lya managed a strangled “Excuse me,” before gliding away towards the trees at the edge of my property in what for her was a run.
At least Thor seemed to be enjoying himself. He was happily chatting away with George and Garshaw. Somehow even Garshaw had acquired a drink, she was holding a glass of white wine and, if I hadn’t known better I could have sworn that she was giving George some very interested looks. He had a smile that I hadn’t seen from him at all lately – fond. Umm! At least someone was enjoying themselves.
It really wasn’t fair. It isn’t much to ask – to be able to just relax and enjoy yourself on your birthday.
I poked at the steadily blackening meat and made a conscious effort not to start on a third beer. This was really turning into a sucky day.
It wasn’t until we had all sat down around the table that I noticed that someone was missing.
Lya.
The last time that I had seen her, she had been heading for the trees. I don’t know who was more worried, Hammond or I. Obviously the thought of a Nox wandering around Colorado Springs wasn’t filling George with happiness, any more than it was me. I tried my best to get the aliens to go and wait in the house while we went looking for her. Bra’tac didn’t take at all kindly to the suggestion.
“I will not hide like a frightened child,” he declared, his look scathing. “I will assist with the search.”
It took the combined persuasion of myself, Teal’c and George to get him to agree not to come. We left Thor, Garshaw and Bra’tac sitting in front of my copy of “The Wizard of Oz” under the watchful eye of Doc Fraiser and Cassie. Anise said that she was ‘tired’ and was already stretched out on my bed before we had even left. I didn’t argue – I SO did not want to go there, but I did give myself a mental nudge to remember to change the sheets.
We divided up to search - Jacob, Daniel and I taking the large expanse of forest bordering my property, and Hammond, Carter and Teal’c taking to the surrounding streets. I could just picture Lya wandering blindly across a busy street or getting totally lost up in the hills. My imagination was in overdrive.
Remind me to never have a birthday party again.
It just isn’t worth it.
After about forty minutes of traipsing through the woods, we finally stumbled across the Nox woman. Literally – I did, tripping and falling flat on my face. She had been sitting under a large tree, almost completely blending in with the foliage when I dropped gracelessly at her feet. Spitting dirt and dead leaves from my mouth I looked up to see her smile brightly, her head cocked to one side like a inquisitive animal.
“When the heart is weary nature cries for notice.”
Crap! Just what I needed to round off an otherwise perfect day. Trite sayings.
I couldn’t resist. I groped my way to my knees and answered, my voice brimming with sincerity.
“Although a tree falls in the forest my screams cannot be heard.”
This time Jacob didn’t even try to conceal his laughter. The loud bellows echoed across through the trees, scaring off any wildlife in the vicinity. After he was able to control himself, he came over to me and put an arm around my shoulder.
“Come on, Jack. I think that it’s time we got back to the party,” The whole walk back was punctuated by the kind of sniggers and giggles that I do not associate with an ex Air Force general. Even Daniel seemed to be getting in on the act, holding his hand across his mouth and giving me sideways glances with absolutely no pity in them.
No pity at all.
The house was totally silent as we approached it. Even the television was quiet. Something felt ‘off’ somehow and I glanced over at Jacob to see if he had picked up on it. Daniel and Lya were behind us, engrossed in a fascinating conversation about some civilization of other that the Nox had had some contact with. She seemed none the worse for her adventures in the woods as she held her dress slightly up to allow it to clear the small branches on the ground. Jacob seemed completely unconcerned.
I opened the door cautiously. I don’t know what I expected. After the day that I had had Anubis could have been waiting, gift clutched in bony hands.
It wasn’t Anubis.
There was a large cake ablaze with candles sitting on the coffee table. A chorus of “Happy Birthday” was being called from the people standing facing me, all with large grins on their faces.
“Here, sir.” Carter thrust a champagne glass into my hand and I almost spilt it as Cassie pulled me towards the cake.
“Blow them out before they get wax everywhere,” she urged.
As I bent down, I noticed that there were only ten or so candles tastefully arranged around the edges of the chocolate cake. I was relieved. I had been worried about my smoke detectors if the true number had been put on it. Mind you, they probably wouldn’t have been able to fit them all.
I blew hard, making sure that all the candles were put out in the one go. And as far as wishes go – I couldn’t think of a single thing that I wanted to wish for. I seemed to have everything right there with me.
“Enjoying yourself a bit more now, Jack?”
I smiled back at the General. “I am now, George. I’m sorry about today.”
“Nothing to be sorry for, Jack.” George interrupted.
“No – nothing.” Jacob Carter came to stand next to me, accompanied by Thor and Bra’tac. They were each holding a plate of birthday cake and I was glad to see that Bra’tac had left his staff weapon leaning against a side wall.
“Did you enjoy your present, O’Neill?” Thor asked looking up at me.
Had I missed something?
A present from the Asgard?
I tried to think of something to say, but my mind was blank – something that seemed to be happening more and more as this day went on.
Fortunately Thor continued without waiting for an answer. “I thought that seeing you had been so kind as to give me lessons in Earth culture, I would do the same for you. Did you like your lesson in Asgard humor?”
I wonder if a blank mind is a curable medical condition? I had the sudden desire to go get the Doc and ask her. Maybe lie down. For a very long time.
Bra’tac had that glint in his eyes that made me want to grab for the nearest gun. “Do not look so worried, human. I am sure that eventually you will work it out.”
Huh?
Then Thor put me out of my misery.
“When I mentioned to Jacob Carter that you had invited us to your party, he suggested that it might be an opportune time to teach you something of our favorite type of humor. He informed me that on Earth it is called ‘practical jokes’ and that you would enjoy the experience.” Thor was obviously very happy with himself.
“Jacob and Commander Thor came to me and we worked out the details – with Master Bra’tac’s help of course.”
“I can take credit for very little. It was you, Hammond of Texas who refined the plan and coordinated it.” Bra’tac and George gave each other mutual little congratulatory bows.
I felt like throwing something at them.
It had all been a set up!
I managed a few words. “Who else was in on it?” I glared over at my team, innocently sipping from their glasses and eating forkfuls of cake.
“Now don’t go getting upset with them, Jack.” Jacob took me by the arm and led me to a chair. “It was just the four of us.” He grinned widely. “You have to admit that we got you good.”
“This is to make up for your taking ten years off my life since you’ve been promoted, Jack. We thought that you deserved a bit of your own back.” George was grinning as widely as Jacob. Then he raised his voice and spoke to the whole room. “I think that we should give General O’Neill his real present now, ladies and gentlemen.”
Carter stepped forward, holding out a small plastic document holder. “We all put in and got you this, sir.” She indicated Daniel and Teal’c. “With General Hammond. Happy birthday.”
I opened it, half expecting it to explode in my face.
Air tickets.
To…
I stared at the destination in amazement.
“You have four weeks leave, effective immediately. And, this time, I expect it to be taken,” George ordered, smiling at the look on my face.
He didn’t need to order me. This time nothing was going to stop me.
The End
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