Catching the Darkness
It is much easier to make a declaration of intent than it is to carry it out.
After I made my emphatic statement of war against Ba’al, I promptly collapsed and was rushed back to the infirmary by a very worried General Hammond.
I would like to say that I leapt out of my sick bed and raced off to extract vengeance.
I didn’t. I slept for most of the next day and woke feeling like death warmed up.
Then I lay there.
Reality reared its ugly head and bit me.
Just how exactly did I plan to get back what I had lost?
And could I?
What made me think that the machine could restore what it had taken?
Because the alternative was unacceptable.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I could see that the Doc was worried about me. She didn’t need to be. I was just thinking. Planning.
I knew that I needed as much help as I could get. Usually I was too proud to ask for help, but this was different. This wasn’t just the usual life and death situation. This was about getting back who I was.
I called the Doc over from where she was trying to stay inconspicuous while still keeping a watchful eye on me in case I escaped again.
“Could you ask Carter, Daniel and Teal’c to come see me, Janet? I think that I need to let them into our little secret.”
She didn’t say anything – just gave me a quizzical look and nodded. I watched as she left the room, her shoes making their familiar clicks on the hard floor.
It wasn’t long before I heard the sound of them returning.
“They’re on their way, Sir. Would you like me to leave?”
I shook my head. “Thanks, Doc. Stay, please. You may be able to help.”
Teal’c came in first and took up a position at the foot of my bed. He was closely followed by Daniel and Carter, each looking a trifle concerned. I gestured to them to take the visitors chairs next to me.
“Hi, Guys.” I stopped. This wasn’t going to be easy. “Thanks for coming.”
Teal’c raised an eyebrow at that. I must admit that they weren’t my best opening lines.
“What’s up, Jack?” Daniel bent forward a little in his seat.
“I’ve got a confession to make.” I saw Carter and Daniel exchange puzzled glances. I wonder what they thought that I was going to say. I’m sure that they didn’t expect what they got.
“When I was on vacation I wasn’t really. I was with Thor.”
Carter jumped in. “We know that, Sir. Remember, you called from his ship and told us.” Did she think that I was senile? Of course I remembered!
“No, Carter. I was with Thor before I was on vacation. When you thought that I was with Thor I was with Ba’al.”
Okay – that didn’t exactly come out the way that I had planned it. So much for the undumbing of Jack O’Neill.
Their shocked faces spoke volumes. Poor old General Jack has finally lost it. The cogs have come loose and the wheel is off and flying down the road at full speed.
I took a deep breath and started again.
“When I was on the Tokra base, Ba’al captured me again.”
This time I must have been clearer, because I saw the dawning comprehension on my friend’s faces.
I hurried on “Thor rescued me. I wasn’t on Ba’al’s ship long.”
“How long is long, O’Neill?” There was Teal’c with the awkward questions.
“Just a few days, Guys, but look – I’m here and that’s the important bit.” I was trying for upbeat, but I don’t think that I was pulling it off.
“I don’t get it, Sir. You went with Thor to help the Tokra…”
“And was captured by Ba’al.” I nodded.
“Then Thor rescued you..”
“Yeap – that’s right, Carter. Now the reason …”
She wasn’t going to let me get away with it. I could see her adding two and two and getting five.
“But then you came back to Earth and it wasn’t long before you went on another “vacation”.” I could hear the scepticism in her voice. “And we were told that you were with Thor again. What happened then, Sir, Anubis get you?”
Ooh – cutting sarcasm! But I could see her point.
“That would be no, Carter, as I think that you guessed.” I might as well get it all out into the open. They would probably find out anyway. “I sort of lost it for a while, after I visited with Ba’al. I thought that I was okay, but I wasn’t. I went away and did a bit of recovering.”
I saw the dawning comprehension on the faces around me. Recovering – such a nice coverall word for so many things.
“General Hammond helped, with the Doc here and your father, Carter. They got me through it. I’m okay now.” Doc nodded slightly. “Well, sort of.”
“Sort of? Jack? What do you mean by sort of?” Daniel was always good at seeing the trees in the wood. Things were obviously falling into place, because he answered his own question. “That’s why they bled you, isn’t it Jack? They were talking about you being filled with evil. I couldn’t understand it at the time, but now I do. Ba’al did something, didn’t he, Jack?”
So I finally was able to explain about the machine.
Carter looked horrified. The Doc’s reaction was immediate.
“I want you to have a CAT scan right away, General. We’ll do an MRI as well. You should have told me sooner. Who knows what that machine did to you.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t know myself, Doc. I just remembered.” I looked up into the appalled faces of my team. “Okay, while Doc does these tests I want you to get working. We need all the information that we can get about Ba’al. Where he is. Where his ship is and if possible, where that machine is. Carter, I want you to see if you can find out anything about the technology involved. I don’t know if its even possible, but I intend to get back what I’ve lost.”
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
The test results were interesting. There was this large unexplained white patch in my brain. Doc went into overdrive. She wanted to schedule me for an exploratory operation immediately. I refused. I knew the cause and I didn’t think that there was anything on Earth that could cure me.
I needed Ba’al.
There was a phrase that I never thought that I would hear myself say.
I needed Ba’al.
There had been no recriminations. No “why didn’t you tell us”. We got down to the planning without any fuss.
My team knew that this was too important to waste time arguing.
When I was finally out of the infirmary, George and I sat down and mapped out exactly what we needed to do. There had been no discussion about whether to try this or not. He knew that it had to be done.
He only needed to look into my eyes.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I was resting in my quarters when Daniel came to me.
He looked as tired as I felt.
We had been going around in circles for days now. Elusive little clues to the machine had shown up in some early manuscripts, but nothing that gave any concrete information. The most that we had been able to conclude was the Ba’al had adapted some Ancient technology – not successfully it seems. Jacob Carter had brought any reports that the Tokra had on Ba’al for us to look over. I could almost feel the guilt radiating from him as he stood in the briefing room. Selmak had remained very quiet, only offering the odd clarification of what we were reading. Jacob had left with a promise that the Tokra would give any help that they could whenever it was needed.
Too little, too late.
All this activity was keeping me going. Stopping me from dwelling on what Ba’al had done to me.
Keeping me sane.
God help me if it didn’t work.
Don’t go there, Jack.
Stay focused.
That was the problem. Whenever I took a break and tried to rest or sleep, I couldn’t help trying to remember.
I must have relived Charlie’s death a thousand times, straining to feel what I felt at the time and for so long afterwards. What I still should feel.
I never thought that I would want to remember such pain.
Until I couldn’t.
And I realised that it was part of what made me who I was. All the bad moments had to be there to combine with the good and make me – me.
I had lost myself.
“Jack?” Daniel’s soft call broke me out of my thoughts. Probably a good thing. They had been getting a little morbid there.
A little morbid! That’s an understatement. Why didn’t I try to remember the good moments? Why go over Charlie’s death so many times? I sat up with a groan of frustration.
“Come in Daniel.”
He didn’t look much better than I did. At least, than I thought that I did. I hadn’t exactly been looking in any mirrors lately.
Hadn’t for months now.
He reached over and turned on the light. Didn’t make anything look better, just brighter.
“Jack, Sam, Teal’c and I have decided to take a break. We thought that we would go somewhere off base for dinner. Try to unwind a little. Get ready and we’ll met you up top in half an hour.”
I noticed that there was no asking involved here. I had been ordered to go to dinner. I couldn’t fault them for their good intentions. And they were right.
“Alright. I’ll get changed and be there.” I didn’t miss the surprise when I agreed so easily.
“Umm, okay Jack. See you then.” That’s what I like to see. A Daniel at a loss for words.
As I was putting on my jeans, I realised that this would be the first time that I had been out for dinner for weeks. Even before our disastrous trip to Planet Vampire I had been too busy to do more than drop home to mow the lawn. It would be a nice change to have something other than mess hall food for once.
Things were looking up. I was actually looking forward to something.
The place was crowded and noisy. At least we could talk without being overheard. I had driven Teal’c over in my truck and we found Daniel and Carter already there. They had managed to get a booth at the back of the room.
I slid next to Carter and picked up the menu. I don’t know why I bother really. I only ever order one thing when I’m out – steak.
The food wasn’t exceptional, but there was lots of it. After a couple of beers, I found myself relaxing for the first time in ages. We talked about anything and everything. It almost seemed like a normal night out. I drank a couple more beers and relaxed some more.
It got noisier.
I couldn’t hear what Teal’c was saying. Carter and Daniel were smiling and nodding as if they agreed with everything that he said and I just went along. I smiled and nodded and didn’t talk.
It was relaxing not to have to talk.
“Sir!”
I looked up from my glass and into the concerned face of Carter.
“Yeah, what?”
“I asked if you were okay, Sir. You haven’t said anything for a while.”
I smiled back at her. “I’m okay, Carter. Just enjoying myself not having to think of anything for a change.” I couldn’t stifle the yawn. “Sorry. Must be more tired than I thought.” Once started, the yawns just kept on coming. “Look, Kids, I think that I’m going to go home. Try to get some sleep in my own bed for a change.” I raised my hand to stop their protests. “You stay and enjoy yourselves. I’ll see you in the morning.” As I got up, I remembered. “Could you give Teal’c a lift back to base, Carter?”
“Sure, Sir. Have a good night.” Teal’c gave me a farewell nod. Daniel got up at the same time that I did and walked with me to the exit.
“Are you sure that you’re okay, Jack? You seemed to zone out for a while back there.”
“I’m fine, Daniel. Don’t fuss.” I keep on going. “See, ya.”
I drove for a few miles before the darkness hit.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
“Oh man!” I clutched my head and groaned. I felt like shit. The inside of my mouth was a dry as the Abydos desert.
“Sleeping Beauty awakes.”
The sound of a deep voice got through the drums in my head and I raised myself up on my elbows to take a look around.
I groaned loudly and let myself fall back onto the bench to the accompaniment of laughter.
I was in jail.
I was also in deep shit.
I’m a general for Christ’s sake! Generals don’t get arrested.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
This would have to have been one of the most embarrassing days of my life.
The cops had thought that all their Christmases had come at once when they had found my ID. Apparently they had followed me as I drove erratically home and nabbed me in my own street. So all my neighbours had seen the unedifying sight of General Jack O’Neill, United States Air Force being breathalysed and dragged off to the local lockup. When they threw me into the cell, I had gone straight to sleep, so they left me there to sleep it off.
I didn’t remember a thing.
George came to get me.
I only had four beers. I kept telling him that.
Four.
He hadn’t said a word. Just beckoned to me and looked disapproving. He looked even more disapproving when I could barely stop my hand from shaking enough to sign the release forms.
The disapproving look didn’t get any better when I threw up in the police parking lot.
I hadn’t had a hangover this bad in years. George practically threw me into the car. His driver was careful to keep his eyes front and center, but I could see the little sideways glances when Hammond wasn’t looking. George didn’t speak all the way back to base.
They really need to do something about the potholes in the road up the mountain. Every tiny bump sent daggers into my skull. After my fifth moan, I noticed that George was smiling.
Four. I had four beers.
“My office, Jack. Now!”
At least he was speaking to me.
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I would like to state officially that it is not my fault!
I only had four beers.
I told Doctor Fraiser that. I thought – get her on my side. She’d understand.
No.
She proceeded to yell at me.
Tell me how stupid I’d been after being so weak from all that blood loss and lack of sleep. Apparently, I hadn’t been as recovered as I had thought.
I got no sympathy whatsoever.
George was really pissed. If he hadn’t known the Police Chief and managed to explain to him some of the circumstances, the shit would have really hit the fan.
He has confined me to base. Me! It’s not like I’ve ever done something like this before.
Well – not often.
So now I’m slinking around the corridors trying to avoid the Marines.
My life sucks big time.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Carter found some new information. She had been sifting through the material that Daniel had come up with and found a reference to the machine. The text had led my two geniuses to some diagrams and the excitement was palatable.
It looks like there may be an answer after all.
We just have to get to the machine, connect me up and download my brain back into my head.
Easy.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Jacob Carter came through again. Ba’al has crawled back into his hole, leaving the machine on his ship. We’re heading for it.
Daniel, Carter, Teal’c and I.
Heading for Ba’al’s ship. Jacob is going to get us there and wait.
Yeap.
No problems.
Sure.
I’ve tried to sleep, but I just keep reliving every dirty, nasty, awful moment in my life in glorious Technicolor but without the background music track. You know, the da da da da one that tells you to get ready for an adrenalin rush.
So now I’m just sitting here.
In the dark, as usual.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
We ringed up to the ship. Prepared for anything except what we found.
No one. No guards. No one.
“This is strange.” I led the way off the platform and out into the corridor. We were relying on my memories of my time as Ba’al’s captive to guide us. Not the best guide to be sure, but the only one that we had.
We stayed alert all the way through the empty corridors, towards the chamber that the machine was housed in. We were almost there when our luck ran out.
The Jaffa rounded the corner, zats at the ready. I can’t say that we were taken by surprise, we had been on alert since the moment that we stepped on to the ship, but it was unexpected.
Teal’c yelled a warning and we all scrambled for whatever cover there was, firing as we did so. I winged one as I rolled before coming to rest against the wall. Carter and Teal’c managed to find a small alcove opposite me. Daniel wasn’t so lucky. He took down one of the guards. Then I heard the yelp as he fell.
“Cover me.” I saw Teal’c give a nod and leapt from my position like a sprinter starting a race. Grabbing Daniel as I went by, I squeezed us both as much as possible into the same small space already occupied by the other half of my team.
I could see the door that had been our objective standing open tantalizingly just in front of us down the end of the corridor. I signalled my intentions to Carter and Teal’c and ran frantically towards it, ducking and weaving as I went. They laid down covering fire, eliminating two more of the enemy in the process. Coming to a screeching halt, I spun on my heels, raised my P90 and raked the Jaffa with bullets. They went down like ninepins.
Teal’c had lifted Daniel across his shoulders and begun the run for the door before the enemy could even react. Carter followed hard on his heels, covering his back as he ran. The Jaffa found themselves between a deadly hail of bullets. They dived for cover as Carter and Teal’c slid into the room beside me.
Our luck had held again.
I lowered my weapon and slammed my hand on the keypad, shutting us in and the Jaffa out.
We all sat for a few seconds gasping for air and letting the adrenalin drain out of us.
“Carter, check out the machine. Teal’c watch the door. I’ll look after Daniel.” I crouched down next to my friend.
Damn – it looked painful. He had a bleeding gash across his forehead from where he had fallen against the corner of the corridor. Combined with the effects of the zat, he would have one hell of a headache when he woke up. I quickly wrapped a bandage around the wound and pulled him closer to the large machine in the middle of the room.
“Carter?” I hoped that she couldn’t hear the note of apprehension in my voice.
“It looks like Ba’al hasn’t changed the basic controls, Sir. They seem to be the same as the ones in the diagrams that we found.” She gave me a reassuring smile. I knew that I hadn’t fooled her.
“O’Neill” Teal’c had his head near the door. “I can hear something being moved in the corridor outside.”
I moved nearer the door and listened. He was right. There was the sound of a large object being dragged along the metal floor. I looked up at him questioningly.
“I do not know what it is, O’Neill. Perhaps some sort of weapon.”
I nodded in agreement. “There’s not much that we can do about it. Be ready to fall back behind the machine if you need to.” With a pat on his shoulder, I left him to check on Daniel.
He was moaning his way back to consciousness.
“Daniel – stay down. You’ve got a pretty good cut on your head.”
He opened his eyes and looked up at me. “Jack? What’s happening?”
“We’re in the room with the machine and there’s a corridor filled with Jaffa trying to get in. Carter’s figuring out the machine now.”
“Okay – same old SG-1 adventure then?”
That’s my Daniel – even a knock on the head can’t get rid of his sense of humor. I grinned at him. “Yeap – same boring old adventures. You stay here and I’ll go see how Carter’s doing”
She must have heard me, because she called over her shoulder. “I think that I’ve pretty well worked it out, General. I think that I know how to reverse the process.”
As I got nearer I could see her fiddling with the dials on one side of the large machine, changing their settings. I shuddered when I saw the hard slab in the middle of the equipment, my memories of my time here rushing back.
“You think, Carter?”
“We can only give it a try, Sir. I don’t think that I ‘m going to be able to work out more than I already have.” She pointed towards the wires dangling over the slab. “You’ll need to lie on here and have these attached to your head. The actual process should be fairly fast.”
“It didn’t seem fast when Ba’al was trying to suck my memories out.” I couldn’t help it. The thought of being hooked up to that machine again was making me start to shake.
There was no alternative. I had to do it.
“Okay, Carter.” I pulled out my radio. “Jacob, this is O’Neill.”
“Jack. What’s your situation?” Jacob’s calm voice echoed through the instrument.
“We’re about to try the machine. Daniel’s taken a knock to the head and we’re trapped in the room. We may need some backup to get out of here. We should be ready to go into about…” I glanced at Carter and she held up three fingers. “In about thirty minutes.”
“I’ll see what I can do. Contact me when you’re ready to move. Carter out”
Well – everything was taken care of. Teal’c was watching our backs, Jacob was organising our rescue and Daniel was recovering. No more reason to procrastinate.
Get it over with O’Neill.
“Let’s get this done.”
I jumped up onto the cold slab, feeling like I was lying in a mortuary. Carter fumbled around for a bit, getting all the wires attached to the right places. I could hear my heart pounding, my tension growing.
“Ready, Sir?”
“No, but do it anyway.”
She must have hit the switch because the pain was immediate.
I couldn’t help myself.
I screamed.
The wires were digging into my head. Deeper by the second.
Through the agony I could hear Carter’s voice.
“OhGodOhGodOhGod”
Over and over.
I felt my body shaking as waves of pain hit me again and again.
“Should I turn it off?” Carter was asking a question. I knew the right answer.
“No. Finish it.”
And then I screamed again.
It seemed to go on for ever.
Then it was over.
“Sir?” I saw Carter’s face looking down at me. There were tears in the corners of her eyes, ready to fall. “It’s finished. I’ll take off the wires.” I felt her gently removing them, each one feeling like a long pin being pulled from my head. I could feel the trickles of blood from the holes that they left.
I lay there. Panting hard.
I knew that I had to get up. We had to get out of here.
Now that the machine had stopped I could hear a loud buzzing coming from the direction of the door. We had to move.
I lay there.
“Jack?” Daniel’s voice came from near me. “Are you okay?”
I swallowed. “Yeap – just peachy, Daniel. Just peachy.” I made a supreme effort and lifted my hand, wiping the blood from my eyes. “Give me a hand here, Carter.”
With Carter’s help I got to my feet. A little wobbly, but upright. Daniel was holding himself up on the edge of the machine, looking pale. He looked at me with a worried frown.
“Jack, there’s blood all over you.”
I could tell. It kept running into my eyes. I tried to blink it away, but there was just too much. The buzzing sound was getting louder and I was getting dizzier by the second.
“I think that we better get out of here, Kids.”
There was a loud bang and everything went dark.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I missed the finale to SG-1’s exciting adventure on the Goa’uld ship. I missed the Tokra taking the Jaffa from behind just as they blasted their way through the door. I missed being ringed back to Jacob’s ship and I missed most of the trip home.
I swam my way up to the surface just as we were entering Earth’s atmosphere.
The machine worked.
It must have.
I had spent the last few days remembering every feeling that I had lost.
Every terrible feeling.
I knew what despair was again.
I remembered how it felt to lose my only child.
I remembered.
And I was glad.
I had back what I had lost.
I was filled again.
I had regained my soul.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
The SGC seems different somehow.
More lively. A vibrant living thing filled with people who enjoy what they do and feel that it matters.
That it’s the most important job on the planet.
I appreciate the feeling all the more for having forgotten it.
The feeling of pride.
The End
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