Windows of the Soul
My dreams are filled with the sound of screams.
I recognise the voice – mine.
They are filled with cries and sobs.
Mine again.
They are just dreams. They were never the reality. I’m sure that I would remember giving up.
Giving in.
I have never given in.
Never.
They are just dreams.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
The SGC was ticking over like a well-oiled clock. SG teams explored strange new worlds and boldly went where no one has gone before.
Well almost no one.
Okay – sometimes there were lots of people, but the sentiment is right.
I had my finger on the pulse. Nose to the grindstone. Pedal to the metal.
Or something.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
General Hammond smiled as I walked into his kitchen. He had been home for several weeks now and he was looking good - rested.
“Morning, Jack. Coffee?” When I nodded he pulled a mug from the cupboard, poured me some and handed it to me. He hesitated and I waited, inwardly grinning, knowing what was coming next. “How’s the Base?”
“Oh, you know, George – same old stuff. Nothing to write home about. Boring really.”
He looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes and I took pity on him. It had become a routine – at least twice a week I visited and kept him up to date with everything that was going on, everything that was planned and everything that had happened.
Well – almost everything.
He didn’t know about my little visit with Ba’al. No one knew about that except Jacob Carter and the Asgard. I had made them promise.
It wasn’t something that I wanted to discuss with anyone.
Ever.
I drank my coffee and discussed politics. I was getting good at interpreting what people were really saying when they said something else. Not a skill that I had ever wanted to add to my already impressive collection, but hey – if I needed a skill I had always learnt it. This was no exception.
Of course, I had an ulterior motive for making sure that George was up to speed.
He has to come back. Take charge.
Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy the challenge of being the Big Boss. But I need to be doing what I’m meant to be doing.
Kicking those slimy snake head bastards arses.
Oh yeah – I’ve got issues.
Big ones.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
It was a very slow trip back home in Thor’s ship. It had had to be. Thor had his hands full. Apparently he had me hooked up to those machines.
I wouldn’t know.
I don’t remember.
Jacob was worried. Thor was worried.
You see – I kept dying again.
And I still do.
Over and over. Every night. Every waking minute. All the time.
I feel like my soul is being nibbled away piece by piece and soon all that will be left is a dry husk.
Thor healed my body. Got me over the need. Brought me back time and time again.
And I try to remember.
I really try.
I lost something on Ba’al’s ship and I don’t know what it was. If I can’t remember what I lost, how can I get it back?
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
The President called. He had missed our regular little chats while I was off helping the Asgard. He wanted me to visit. Come to Washington. Have dinner.
I made an excuse. I told him that I needed to go off world and negotiate a treaty with the people of PH-J49. I didn’t tell him that I had volunteered for the task, shocking Daniel into silence.
I didn’t want to have dinner. Not with the President. Not with anyone.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I could see that my team was worried about me They had got use to me being unavailable for our normal cosy chats in the mess hall or Carter’s lab, but I knew that they could tell that I was avoiding them.
And I was.
I have no desire to chat. Laugh. Enjoy. Act as if I’m normal.
My soul has died and I’m not here anymore.
Now the husk is disintegrating into dust.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Doc Fraiser asked for an appointment today. She has wanted to give me a physical since my holiday with Thor. I’ve managed to stall her up until now. Now I can’t avoid her.
“Doc, come on in.” I smile – my practised plastic smile. “Take a seat.”
She relaxed into the visitor’s chair, giving a tired sigh.
“Been busy?” I knew that she had injured members of two SG teams in her infirmary, none serious, thank God. “How is Major Brownlow?”
“He’s recovering well, Sir. Should be able to go home in a couple of days”. She eyed me as she spoke, cataloguing in her head the signs of trouble. The tired eyes. The slump in the shoulders.
Oh yes – I knew that they were there. And they were the visible ones.
“I wanted to see how you were, General.”
I wasn’t surprised. I knew that she would catch me sooner or later. It had actually taken longer than I had expected.
“A little tired, Doc, but that’s only to be expected. I’ve been pretty busy lately.” I gave another smile and tried to inject some genuine enthusiasm into it.
She wasn’t fooled.
“I want you to come to the infirmary, Sir. You didn’t have an exam after your last off world trip, let alone the one before that.” She forestalled my protests with a firm “Do I have to order you?”
“I’ll come after I’ve finished this paperwork, Doc. Okay.” I gestured to my permanently filled in-tray. That didn’t work either.
“Now, General.” She got up and stood with her arms folded, tapping her foot.
Trapped.
I meekly followed her to the infirmary.
She did the usual tests and gave the results a puzzled look.
“Well, Doc?”
“Apart from your blood pressure being slightly high, Sir, your results are well within normal parameters.” She almost sounded disappointed.
Don’t you just love those Asgard machines?
“Told you that I was just a little tired, Janet.” I hopped off the exam table quickly. “Better get back to the office.”
“Wait, General.” She wasn’t going to let me off that easily. “Is there anything that you want to talk to me about?”
Smiling my smile, I answered “Nope – everything’s fine. Like I said, I’m just a bit tired. Sorry that I didn’t get the exam done sooner.” I waved a casual hand in her direction and moved to the door. “See ya later, Doc.”
My acting ability has increased ten fold.
I can now act as if I’m normal.
As if I’m still here.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Daniel tried next.
He cornered me in the mess.
“Jack! Come and join me.”
I held my loaded tray carefully, negotiating my way between the tables.
“Daniel, how’s it going?”
His lips pursed. You see, I had asked him in Cantonese – a language that he was still struggling to master. I can’t help myself. He’s such an easy target.
“I’m fine, thank you, Jack. Fine. But I was wanting to ask you the same question.”
“I’m fine too, Daniel. Thanks for asking.”
I took a mouthful of my orange juice, swishing it around in my mouth. I always seemed to have a nasty taste in my mouth lately.
“Come on, Jack.” He lowered his voice. “You aren’t fine. I’ve known you too long for that.”
“I appreciate your concern, Daniel, but I should know if I’m fine or not. Go ask the Doc if you aren’t convinced.” I took another sip of the orange juice before standing up, leaving the rest of my meal untouched.
I left him sitting there.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I could see the concerned looks. When I left my office. When the klaxons sounded and the gate opened and I crawled out of my hole. I still cared about my base. Still cared about my people.
I just didn’t care about myself.
I am not here.
I’m empty.
Something has gone from me and I can’t remember what it is.
It’s lost.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
General Hammond smiled at me as I walked into his kitchen.
“Coffee, Jack?” He asked, already pouring it into the mug. “They’re worried about you, son.”
I smiled back.
Keep smiling, Jack.
“I don’t need to ask who, George.” They had all taken turns – first the Doc, then Daniel, Carter and Teal’c. They had saved the big guns till last. “They don’t need to be.”
He watched my hand holding the mug. Was he expecting to see it shaking? The signs weren’t that obvious, Thor had seen to that.
“I know that the stress of commanding a base like the SGC can seem overwhelming at times, Jack. Believe me, I know. Perhaps you need to take a break, get away for a bit. You’ve been working non stop for months now.”
The tremors inched their way up my spine until I couldn’t contain them. God! He thought that I couldn’t cut it. That the job was too much for me.
The job that I had groomed myself for all these years.
The job that I loved.
It was the only thing that I can do well at the moment and they probably wanted to take it away from me.
I held myself firmly and sipped the hot liquid.
The cup shattered on the tiled floor.
I could see his eyes and the compassion in them almost undid me.
Almost.
“Has someone complained that I haven’t been doing my job, General?” I reached over to the paper towels and knelt to clean up the mess.
I could stay hidden if he couldn’t see me.
“No, Jack. I’m sorry if I gave you that impression.” I could feel him looking at me. “Your friends are just concerned about you.”
If I stay on the floor he can’t see that I’m empty.
Then I saw him out the corner of my eye. Kneeling. He used a hand to steady himself and came down to me. He shouldn’t have done that. He wasn’t recovered yet. I couldn’t stop myself. I looked into his eyes.
The first time that I had looked into anyone’s eyes since I had got home.
I rested my back against the counter and bent my knees up to my chest.
I could hear the sharp intake of his breath.
“God, Jack. What’s happened to you?”
He had found me out.
I only said one word before I shut myself down.
“Ba’al”
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
The knock sounded loud on the door. I could hear it from my position on the kitchen floor.
The footsteps were familiar. I had heard them crossing the infirmary floor too many times not to recognise them.
If I keep my eyes closed she might not see me.
“General?” That touch on my shoulder, as familiar as the footsteps. “Jack?”
Didn’t they know that they couldn’t help? I was spirally downwards towards the darkness.
And it was reflected in my eyes.
“Jack?” Her voice echoed in my head, leaving sharp corners.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I could feel the softness of a pillow under my head and the warmth of a blanket. I could hear the sound of a bird somewhere nearby.
I wasn’t home. Not in the mountain.
I was lost again.
I stayed quiet.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
In my dreams I could hear the screams.
It sounded like my voice, but I knew that it wasn’t.
I stayed silent.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
“Jack?”
I lay on my back looking up at the ceiling. The cream paint was slightly chipped in one spot. I could feel the cool breeze from an open window.
“Jack?”
The bed moved as he sat on the edge next to me.
“Come on, son. You have to talk to me. I can’t stall them for much longer.”
He sounded desperate.
I turned my head and looked at him.
He looked desperate too.
I could feel the tug of a needle in the back of my hand and the dullness of drugs in my body.
The darkness hadn’t gone.
It had crept up and beaten me.
“He’s beaten me.”
“Who has, Jack? Who did this?”
I managed a small soft sound.
“Ba’al.”
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I could hear them talking. Quietly, as if they were scared of waking me.
So I opened my eyes.
I’m perverse even when I’m hiding.
George and Jacob. The Dynamic Duo.
I recognised the room. The spare bedroom in Hammond’s house. Not a hospital. Not the Base. Hammond’s house.
“Jack?” Jacob had seen me. Caught me out. “I came as soon as I could.”
He must have interpreted my look as one of inquiry, because he carried on with his explanation. Arriving through the Stargate to find that I wasn’t there. Being told that I had gone on leave for a few days. Asking around. Worried.
I didn’t really care.
Finally George had admitted that he knew where I was. It seems that he and Janet had been hiding me.
Clever George.
“I told him, Jack. Everything. About Ba’al.”
I turned and looked at him.
I knew that my eyes would explain.
They did.
He took a step back.
I knew what I had lost now.
My soul.
I was empty.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
Time is passing. The air is getting cooler. The bird isn’t singing.
Time is slowing down.
Each death is taking longer now. Taking its time with me.
I didn’t think that there was anything left to feel.
But there is.
Now I’m screaming on the outside and the drugs aren’t helping anymore.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
George looked tired.
I reached out my hand to touch him and felt him start. I looked at the hand that I had rested on him and saw the bones sticking up from the skin. It was shaking.
Those Asgard machines must have worn off.
I could feel that bad taste in my mouth again.
Defeat.
“How are you feeling, son?” The same question, but how long ago was it that I had last heard it? I had to know.
“How long?”
Not much, but something.
‘Ten days, Jack. It’s been ten days since you collapsed in my kitchen.” He must have seen the panic on my face, because he hurried on. “Don’t worry. I’ve covered for you at the Base. Only Janet and Jacob know. Jacob has told everyone that you were asked to help the Asgard again while on leave.”
I managed a weak laugh. The Asgards were the ones that got me into this position. Them and the Tokra.
It must have been rough on Hammond.
“The Base? Who?”
He knew what I meant. “I’ve been going in four days a week, Jack. It’s been in safe hands.” He gave a knowing little smile as he said it. “Jacob has stayed here with you the whole time.”
That was a turn up for the books. Jacob the Tokra able to be here when he was needed. He must have really been feeling guilty.
“Jacob told me what happened, Jack.” He looked straight at me, braving the sight of my eyes. “Why didn’t you tell anyone, son? We could have helped.”
“How, George? Exactly how could you have helped when I didn’t know what was wrong myself?” My voice rose. “Tell me, George. How?” I went to sit up, but quickly gave up on that idea when I felt the waves of dizziness. My voice was hoarse, unused.
I was angry.
Angry was good.
He put his arm around my shoulder and I was undone.
I told him everything.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I sat back against the pillows, glaring at the Doc.
“It’s no good looking at me like that, Sir. I’m not going to take out the IV yet.” She walked around to the other side of the bed to take my pulse. “If you can manage to keep down your lunch today, I’ll take it out tomorrow.”
I grunted.
I do a good line in grunt.
“I take it that that means you are pleased and that you want to thank me for my patience.”
Doc does a good line in sarcasm.
Things seemed to be getting back to normal between us. It had been a bit touch and go at first. She had been very annoyed that I hadn’t told anyone what had happened.
She had been irked.
But between the Doc and the General they had saved my career.
I couldn’t really be annoyed with her for long.
My dreams will never go away, but I can accept them.
I can remember without hiding away.
o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o
I walk down the corridors of the SGC and smile at everyone that greets me. They seem pleased that I am back. General Hammond has returned to his office. We share some of his workload.
I am ready to return to active duty with my team.
Carter, Daniel and Teal’c seem overjoyed that everything is back to normal.
At least I think that Teal’c is overjoyed.
Everything is sunny and the world still turns.
Except I don’t look into anyone’s eyes any more.
I can’t stand the reaction.
You see, they know that my soul is gone and I remain empty.
The End
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