Misconceptions
Misconceptions
by Vickie
TITLE: Misconceptions
AUTHOR: Vickie
EMAIL: victoriajane@victoriajane.fsnet.co.uk
CATEGORY: Romance, little Angst
SPOILERS: 100 Days, Shades Of Grey
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG, I suppose, but only for the idea of hate
CONTENT WARNINGS: male/female relationship
SUMMARY: Sam gets to thinking and comes up with a few... misconceptions
STATUS: Complete, but please email if you want to continue it
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: I haven't made any money from this and I don't own any of the Stargate characters - if I did, Sam and Jack would be a lot more friendly by now!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay, the whole idea of Andorra is true - look it up!! This whole thing just came from me stumbling on the place in the dictionary. Hope you enjoy it.
My god! Well, I never knew that: the Andorrans shared a planet name with a small country in Southwest Europe. But, thinking of that made me think of what had happened the last time that we saw the Andorrans: something that managed to squash feelings that were developing nicely, the feelings that really shouldn't have been there in the first place. The feelings of ...well,somethingtoward my Commanding Officer. The instant he turned away from me as I was explaining just how I managed to save his (really quite cute) butt once again had me convinced: the feelings that had just been painfully squashed weren't reciprocated. Hell, I doubted if he even saw me as anything other than his 2IC.
But now I know for sure. He doesn't see me like that, and that is just fine by me. No problem. I have almost managed to convince myself of this, and, if things keep going the way that they have been, then I will soon be totally convinced. Today, though, was a big help. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that he hadn't been acting like himself since the day that he met me. At first, the side of me that likes to think of him as something other than my CO thought that maybe his words were true, but not in the sense that the other half of me knew that they were. The side of me that knows the truth knew that his words and the look of dislike in his eyes were shielding nothing, no fanciful notions of there being something more behind his words, something all sappy and romantic there in his eyes - that all I had to do was openmyeyes and look. But, I refused to do that, thinking that all would be well, because if I just ignored what I knew was there, then we would somehow be able to be together, and then everyone would be happy. Well,Iwould be.
But there was nothing like that there. Nothing but dislike and a little hatred at my general interference which I now know had always been there, but I just chose to see it as something else: after all, they say that love and hate are pretty close in the grand scheme of things, don't they? So was it any wonder that I mixed the two things up when I saw aspects of him that he didn't think I could see? After all, he had made it clear from the start that he didn't like scientists, and here I was, 100% scientist, taking on the Air Force as a hobby, something to keep me entertained until I managed to worm my way into NASA. But now there's no chance of that, thank you very much. NASA, at my age, wouldn't be too likely, given that I have, for all intents and purposes, been off doing my own thing for the last coupla years. And all because I wanted to prove to him that I was one of the guys, that I could be relied upon and everything lese. And it had taken me this long to do that. So long to prove myself to someone who didn't care (in the way that I wanted him to, anyway) that my chances at going into NASA were decreasing by the day. As was my attraction for my CO, to be honest. *how many more times do I have to tell myself that before I actually believe it?*
"Sam?" Daniel said, disturbing my random thoughts. I looked up at him, and he walked in, bearing a steaming cup of something. "Brought you this." he said, offering the cup. I took it from him, smiling.
"Thanks." I said, sipping the liquid without questioning it's identity. Daniel laughed a little. "What?" I asked.
"Do you take your hot water with or without coffee?" he asked. I looked down at the cup, and smiled as I saw that it is indeed just hot water. I placed the cup on the table, next to some papers and sit back on the chair.
"Where were you then, Sam?" Daniel asked, placing his hot water next to mine.
"Sorry?" I said, looking at him as he disturbed my thoughts for the second time, and this time he is more than welcome to, though.
"Where did you go just then?" he repeated. I looked at him, then at the book open on the table. The dictionary that told me where Andorra was.
"Southwest Europe." I said. He gave me a puzzled look. "Never mind." I said, shaking my head. I took a deep breath, looking at the two steaming mugs of water. "So, why'd you bring me a cup of hot water?" I asked, tearing my mind away from its musings and back to the present.
"They didn't have any coffee left in the commissary, so I thought I might be able to steal a teaspoon of your stuff." he said. The stuff he was referring to was a jar I always kept with me for emergencies such as this. I nodded, and told him to take it. He looked at me oddly, and I realised that my mind must still be in Southwest Europe. Time to drag it back firmly to the here and now.
"I might leave the SGC." I suddenly blurted, the admission as much a surprise to him as it is to me - I had never in a million years intended to tell the one person who was most likely to go and tell the one person who was most likely to want me stay. Ah - no! Got to stop thinking like that.Hewouldn't care either way if I stayed or went.
"What?" Daniel asked, as soon as he recovered the use of speech. "Why? he demanded. Okay, now what do I say? Because I fell in love with my CO and I think that he might just hate me?
"I'm not happy." I told him truthfully. I'm not lying, after all. It's just that that isn't the whole reason, the whole truth.
"I don't believe you." he told me, taking a sip of the cup that now contained coffee. "This has something to do with Jack, doesn't it?" he asked. Well, give the boy a cookie!
"No."
"Once again I find myself not believing you." he said, his shock gone and replaced with humour, the only way he could make his accusations and not offend me. Amongst other things.
"I'm going to request a transfer today." I suddenly told him. Damn, gotta stop with this wave of honesty. Daniel looked at me, once again lost for words. "Before I get too old." I added, hoping to whatever gods weren't goul'd that I was sounding convincing.
"You can't." Daniel simply said.
"Why not?"
"I won't let you." he said simply, then stood up. "And I don't think that Jack will either."
"Where are you going?" I asked him as he began to back out of the room.
"Uh, nowhere." he said, then turned his back and was gone. Now, why do I have a really bad feeling about this? He's gone to tell Jack, of that much I am sure. And Jack will scour the base looking for me ...no. Stop. Jack will probably just shrug, saying something like 'she should go. It's what she always wanted.' But that would mean he listened when I spoke, didn't just tune me out as I have come to realise is exactly what he does - stop. Again, this trail of thought is not doing me any good. It doesn't do anyone any good to constantly think about a person who happens to dislike, maybe even hate, them. I know that hate is a strong word, but I think that it might just be appropriate. And I also think that I might just be making progress, as the other half of my mind doesn't pipe up trying to save the situation. It doesn't come back with the idea that love and hate are so similar that one could easily be mistaken for the other.
Standing, I took a deep breath and wonder weather I should leave the base and go home or go straight to the General's office and request a transfer. Going to see the General would only keep me on base longer, and I can't risk running into the Colonel. No - he wouldn't even be bothered. I am going to the General's office, I tell my feet as they head for the elevator. They stop and turn me round, going deeper into the belly of the monster. Sorry, Base. If I get the transfer approved today, I don't ever have to come back here. And that would mean no more Jack, no more hate in his eyes, no more Daniel, no more Teal'c, no more General Hammond, no more Janet, no more Dad - could I really do that?
My feet turn me round once again, and I go back to the elevator, resolving to give this a night's thought. Not emotional, day-dreamy thought. Proper, logical, serious thought. Basically, do the pros outweigh the cons for me leaving? The elevator stopped me as I'm half way through making my mental list, and I stepped into the small box, and waited for the doors to close, waiting to be taken to the surface and towards a night's heavy thinking. Hell, it was what I did best. May not make people the most cheerful, but there you go.
The doors were almost closed when a hand stopped them, and they opened under the pressure. The person who stalled the box taking me to the surface stepped in, and my stomach did an involuntary back flip as I saw the Colonel. Crap. Looks like all godsaregoul'd. Or, maybe some Roman or Greek Goddess of love was watching over me ...no. For the last time, bloody stop it, woman! The elevator had already begun its ascent, and he still hasn't said one word. But, wouldn't he have let the elevator go if he knew that I was in here? Like I said, and like I have been told, I think too much. Far too much. Too much to notice that the elevator has stopped.
No. It hasn't stopped. Another floor stopped it, but no-one else stepped in. And now we're moving once again. And now he's facing me, saying something. I can see that look in his eyes again, and think that maybe I should stop thinking and begin listening.
"...so is it true?" he asked. I saw a glint of something that I cannot identify in his eyes, and hope that my silent answer of nodding a yes is the right answer to the question, whatever it was referring to.
"Sam, you can't do that." he said, taking a step closer to me. Given that there wasn't all that much room in the small space to begin with, we were now pretty close.
"Give me a reason." I managed to say. The logical side of my mind had temporarily shut down, and the emotional, romantic side was now in charge, resulting in the question that I asked instead of the one that I should have asked: 'Really? And why is that?'. That might have just shut him up. But, no. He's still talking.
"Because you are brilliant at what you do and you're needed here!" he said, and that was all it took for the logical side of me to wake up once again.
"I'm also needed -wanted- at NASA." I said.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked, stopping the elevator's ascent, probably because he knew that this was going to be a long conversation. Or argument. Depends on your point of view, I guess. I saw it as an argument that he was just waiting to participate in.
"NASA have made a personal request that I come out of civilian life and go to work for them." I told him. I made my voice as emotionless as I could manage, but I wasn't all that successful.
"Would it make any difference if there was a personal request for you to stay here?" he asked, his voice noticeably quieter.
"Nobody wants me to stay here." I told him, becoming increasingly uncomfortable with this conversation. I didn't believe a word of what I had just said, it was just that I couldn't tell him that working with him was too difficult, too stressful. After all, it is not nice to admit that someone hates you. He might not see it, but it is there, unmasked in his eyes, masked to his consciousness.
"Everybody wants you stay here." he said, trying to convince me. I shook my head silently, and took a step to the side so I could get this box moving again. He caught my arm as I went to push the button and turned me so I was facing him once again.
"What are you running from?" he asked, his voice back to normal.
"Nothing." I replied.
"I don't believe you." he said. I shrug - you know, it was just this morning that I was able to tell a lie and at least be reasonably convincing. What the hell had happened in the last six hours to make such a difference? Or was it just that I was so transparent when it came to this man?
I yanked my arm back from his grip, but he held tighter.
"What are you running from, Sam?" he asked, repeating the question from seconds ago.
"It's not what, it's who." I said before I had a chance to stop and think. It was out, shocking him and making him realise exactly what was going on before I had a chance to stop it.
"Who?" he asked silently. He already knew. "Why?" he asked, releasing my arm. Okay, this is the time that I have to face it. I knew that it had to be done some time, I just thought that it would be some time when I was clear of this mess, that I would be married and everything else. Only then would I be able to cope with the idea that there was someone out there who hated me for no other reason than I was good at my job. Myscientistjob.
I took a deep breath, slumping against the far wall of the elevator as he watched.
"You don't like me." I said, looking at how scuffed my boots were. He didn't reply. I couldn't have brought myself to say that he hated me, even though I knew it was the truth all along.
"Sam - " he suddenly began.
"Look, I know it, you know it, that's all there is to it. So let's leave it at that, shall we?" I said, and could feel tears begin to well up. Dammit, this was one time that I didn't need to cry. But, I continued with what I had to say anyway. "We both know it," I said, emphasising the fact, "so I'll be gone, hopefully, by the end of the week." I said, and the tears threatened to spill. I continued my focus on my boots and they began to blur. I reached up without looking away from my tear-blurred boots and restarted the ascent. I stood up slowly as the box began moving. He hadn't said anything, and I wasn't even sure I could hear him breathing. The atmosphere was charged, that much was obvious. I thought that it was because I had just said what we both knew. I thought about it some more, and the tears began to fall. Oh, for gods' sake -
"Sam." he said. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was awfully close. And there was hate in his eyes, but not on the rest of his face. Something else covered his features. "How can someone so clever be so stupid?" he asked, smiling slightly as he wiped away the tears that had fallen from my eyes. He then leaned in to kiss me. My breath caught in my throat, and my stomach did that familiar backflip. This was what I didn't need. Not that I am complaining, you understand.
Thetingthat alerted us that the elevator had reached the surface made us spin apart, and I looked up at him, amazed.
"Where would you get such an idea?" he asked quietly. I went to tell him exactly where I had come to said conclusion, but hew stopped me with a light kiss, apparently not wanting to know the answer to the question he had asked. "We'll speak later." he said, kissing me once more before leaving the elevator. He smiled as he disappeared from my line of sight. It was only the doors threatening to close on the lift that spurred me into action, bringing me back to where I was. I dashed out of the elevator, and practically floated to my car. I simply couldn't believe that. How could I have been so wrong?
Guess love and hate are closer than I thought.
The End!
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