Don't Get Mad - Get Creative
Don't Get Mad - Get Creative
by Jewels
TITLE: Don't get mad - get creative
AUTHOR: Jewels
EMAIL: jhantor@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack, Humor
SPOILERS:
SEASON / SEQUEL:
RATING: PG13
CONTENT WARNINGS: Language and sexual situations
SUMMARY: Revenge is a dish best served cold... what happens when Sam wants to get her own back on a certain Colonel.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Many, many thanks to DustDevil and Wendy Parkinson, who answered my desperate plea for HELP! and offered suggestions for potential revenge. Various chocy-type pressies go to them. ;)
"So, who's going to tell her?"
"Not me, I value my life."
There was a general murmur of agreement from the group who surrounded the bulletin board, all staring dumbfoundedly at this one piece of paper which had been put up last night, in all probability at some point during the impromptu party. Trouble is, no one had any idea who, and if they had any idea, the alcohol-induced haze had made them forget.
Although the subject of the picture that had been photocopied and stuck on the board was not going to be a happy camper when she found out. In fact, it was more than likely she was going to be incredibly pissed off.
Janet Frasier rubbed the back of her neck and wondered what on Earth they should do about this. Of course, none of them could go to Sam Carter and tell her that there was a photograph of her on the bulletin board. And it wasn't a normal photograph either, Daniel, who had been standing nearby and had quietly excused himself, blushing furiously, a little earlier, had identified it as P3G183. Janet remembered the state that Sam had been in when she had returned through the gate. Some of the nectar that the natives had given her to drink had supposedly been a native aphrodisiac, which would explain her state of undress in the photocopy.
"Hi everyone, what's so interesting?"
Sam Carter's words were like a gun shot. Immediately, the dozen or so people clustered around the board dispersed across the corridor, carefully avoiding looking at the board or at Sam. They all magically picked up conversations as if they'd never left them off. They were all pathetically obvious about the whole thing, though.
"Well, isn't the weather outside nice today?"
"So, the bartender said: 'that's not my-'..."
"Ah! A spider!!"
"QUICK!!! KILL IT!!!"
Sam narrowed her eyes in suspision at the others, then glanced at Janet, who was trying to sneak away before Sam could possibly glance in the region of the board...
Too late. Sam's fists clenched, and she snatched the photocopied sheet off the bulletin board in a surprisingly violent motion. Janet made a mental note to never, ever, cross Sam when she was in a bad mood, as she managed to tear down several other notices as well. The ones that were stapled on.
"I'm going to kill him." vowed Sam in a venomous tone, slowly crumpling the photocopy in her hand. "I'm going to goddamn kill him."
With that said, she stormed off, with a furious glint in her eyes.
Janet blinked after Sam, then started to head in the opposite direction, towards the Infirmary. She had a feeling someone would be needing her medical services in the very near future.
**
*Maybe she didn't see it.*
It was a hopeful thought. At the moment, it was the only thing sustaining Jack O'Neill through the utter mortification that had hit him when he had woken that morning, and the memories of the previous night had come flooding back to him.
Stumbling back from the party, through the SGC, coming across a photocopier and /that/ photo, running several copies off and placing one rather prominently on the notice board...
He was a dead man. That is if Sam actually /saw/ the picture.
He had passed the bulletin board on the way to the mission briefing, and he hadn't seen the picture. Maybe some wonderful person had seen the picture and taken it down before Sam could see it.
And maybe Teal'c would get in touch with his feminine side.
He entered the large room that looked out over the Stargate, to see Sam already sitting in place. She looked up at him, and Jack half-prepared himself for her jumping out of her chair and nailing him with several well-aimed shots.
So he was understandibly surprised when she just smiled cheerfully at him, and returned her attention to scrawling what looked like very complicated equations on the pad that everyone was given, but no one ever used.
He hadn't realised he had been holding his breath until a little voice at the back of his mind, said, *BREATH!!!!!*, and he took in a deep breath. Maybe the day wasn't a total loss then.
**
The mission briefing was what all mission briefings were like. You go to this planet, you look around, if you get shot at, come home and don't go back. If you don't get shot at, great!
Jack couldn't help sneaking glances all the way through the briefing, and didn't know what to think when she didn't notice his glances, and had an air of calm about her which was, frankly, a little unnerving. As long as she didn't start taking potshots at him, he wouldn't start objecting to her attitude.
When it came time to leave through the gate, he was a little confused to see her talking to the commander of the defensive guards that were in the gateroom, who was nodding and looking puzzled at whatever she was saying. He didn't get much of a chance to worry about it, though, as she approached him and said,
"Ready to depart, Colonel."
Jack nodded and gave the order to move out through the gate. Daniel dropped back slightly behind Teal'c and Jack and whispered conspiratorially to Sam.
"Um... Janet told me that you'd seen the picture..."
Sam nodded, her facial expression unchanged. "That's right."
"So... why haven't you murdered Jack yet?"
Sam turned an extremely evil grin on Daniel, who was taken aback by the sadistic glint in her eye. "Because death's too good for him." she told him as Jack and Teal'c disappeared through the gate. She glanced at the event horizon and fastened the clasp of her helmet. "I'm going to make the bastard wish he'd never been born."
**
It had been an uneventful mission. The planet was like many they had come across in the past: cold and wooded. The highlight of the entire trip had been when Daniel had fallen down into the warren of some sort of creature and sprained his ankle, much to Sam's amusement. Which had quickly faded when she was told that she'd have to carry him back to the Gate.
The glare she had given Jack after he had issued /that/ order had not been a particularly pleasant one. He knew he was pushing it. If she had even /heard/ about the photo... the consequences didn't bear thinking about.
The evening after they had returned, he received a note pushed under his door. It was simple, handwritten in an almost illegible handwriting - the sure sign that this was someone who typed a lot... either that or it was Daniel - and consisted of only two things. A place and a time.
--The Gateroom. 22.30hrs.--
That was it, no signature, no nothing. Just those words. He wondered whether it was some sort of trap. He would not put it past anyone in the SGC to try and play a prank on him. He wondered if he should take his sidearm.
'Oh, for crying out loud! You're being a wimp. Just go there! You're a big boy, you can handle it.' At least that was what this little mental voice kept telling him to do, and considering how insistent it was, he finally caved to the little voice's wishes and went unarmed. Against his better judgement.
The Gateroom was deserted, which was odd. He would have at least expected the blast doors to be up, but they were down, everything locked shut. He was suspicious. Who wouldn't be? Mysterious note, utter desertion of the gateroom, Carter standing right behind him with a grin on her f...
"WHAT THE...? Carter??"
"Carter? Being formal are we, Jack?" she was almost purring, which put him on edge. Sam NEVER purred. "You weren't so formal the other night..."
"Um... no..." he said, distinctly unnerved by the way that she had sidled up to him and was now pressing against him, smiling at him.
Smiling. She was smiling.
Not good.
"Sam... what are you doing?" he asked as he felt her hands working beneath his jacket.
"Isn't it obvious?" she asked softly as she pushed the jacket off his shoulders.
"Yes, but... the Gateroom?!"
He could hear the smile in her voice and feel the curve of her lips as she pressed her face into his neck. "Why not? No one's going to be in here for hours..."
"Yes, but... oh god!"
From there on, he lost the power of speech, and of coherent thought. The next few minute became a blur for him. Later he would vaguely recall Sam running her fingers over every part of exposed skin, clothes being pulled off, carelessly strewn around the Gateroom and her tongue doing wonderful things to him.
Until it was all interrupted by a very nasty stabbing pain in the region of his shoulder blade.
He jerked back away from her as he felt the sharp stab of pain into his shoulder muscles and then saw Sam's almost feral grin as she jerked back her arm and he realised that she was the one that had stabbed him. His body grew heavy, as if his limbs no longer had the strength to support him, and the Gateroom swirled around him as his vision grew dim.
The last thing he saw was Sam recapping a hypodermic syringe she must have stolen from the infirmary. "Sweet dreams, sir." she murmured as he lost consciousness entirely.
**
Sam moved quickly, she knew exactly how long she had to finish up in the Gateroom, and had absolutely no intention of going over her time limit. She quickly pulled on her clothes and buttoned them up so she was at least respectable. Then she flitted all over the Gateroom, picking up the discarded clothing and shoving it inside an arms store that was on one side of the room. She looked at them for a second, then pulled out a shirt and dropped it on the floor next to her unconscious CO. After all, she didn't want him to come after her with a gun the moment he regained consciousness.
She made a mental note to thank Janet Frasier for pointing out which drug would have the fastest effect on the Colonel. And for 'accidentally' leaving that syringe lying around. Apparently Janet had been just as incensed about the photo as Sam was, but didn't want Sam to actually kill anyone.
Pity.
She locked the arms store and shoved the key in her pocket and glanced over at Jack, noticing the tell-tale signs of someone about to fight off the effects of sedative and regain full consciousness.
She smirked to herself and blew him a kiss. "Have fun, sir." she told him as she put her swipe card into the lock to open the doors and stepped out into the corridor beyond.
Sam fastened up her blouse as she started down the corridor, smiling at John Delaware. "Gateroom's all yours." she told the commander.
"Thanks, Captain." He and his team started forward, but he hesitated and turned back to her. "Out of curiousity, why did you want to be on your own in the Gateroom? Isn't SG-10 due back any time now?"
Sam smiled secretively. "Yes, they are." she responded and continued on her way to the control room. She just had to see this.
**
"Off-world activation." the airman monitoring the gate intoned. "Incoming travellor. We're receiving SG-10's signal."
Hammond nodded. He hadn't been able to sleep, and he also wanted to know what Sam Carter had been doing entering the control room looking more than slightly dishevelled. "Open the iris." he ordered, stifling a yawn.
"The blast doors?" murmured Carter questionningly.
"Oh yes, and open the blast doors." Hammond ordered, and promptly froze as the blast doors came up. He wasn't the only one. The entire control room came to a stand-still and several wandered over to the window in a sort of daze. All the soldiers on the inside of the gateroom were similarly stunned, and one of SG-10 had actually stumbled and fallen on his exit from the gate from shock. Maria Jarvis, the female member of SG-10 was standing with a huge goofy grin on her face, mentally thanking whatever gods there were.
In the control room, there was a dull thud, masked by the shrieks of laughter that came from one Samantha Carter, who looked as if she were now having breathing difficulties.
"Sir," Jack O'Neill said, opting not to salute considering that if he were to let go of his shirt, which he'd just been a tad too slow in snatching up from the floor - hence the stupefied expressions - he'd be in much more trouble than he was already. "Permission to return to my quarters and get some..."
"Granted colonel..." Hammond managed to force out through the block in his throat, and over Sam's slightly hysterical laughter.
Trying to hold onto a shred of dignity, and his shirt, Jack turned and walked out of the room, trying very hard to ignore the tactless laughter which had broken out in the gateroom.
Carter was a dead woman.
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