Reflections
Reflections
by Jeanine
Title:Reflections
Author:Jeanine
Category:Sam/other
Rating:PG
Email:jeanine@iol.ie
Archive:Heliopolis; anywhere else please ask first
Feedback:Always welcome...but be nice!
Disclaimer:Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended.
Season/Sequel:Missing scenes from "Point of View"
Spoilers: "Point of View", "Children of the Gods", "The Enemy Within", "The Gamekeeper"
Summary:Missing scenes from "Point of View"
Author's Notes:Blame Cagey. She was ranting about AU relationships and listed the possibilities..."What about Sam and Kawalsky, for kicks and grins? Or Janet and Jack? Or, yes please, Sam and Daniel? Since the show's writers are obviously interested in using the alternate universes to pair off the characters, why not have fun with it?"One and a half out of three ain't bad...
"So...how are you dealing with all this?"
Daniel had finally found Sam in her office. He'd been looking for her since they'd left the briefing room, wanting to find out how she was. Doctor Carter and Kawalsky had been shown to their quarters. Teal'c had disappeared in his customary silent fashion while General Hammond had gone to his office to talk to the President. Jack had muttered something about paperwork and made a hasty exit.
But Daniel had barely noticed any of this. His attention was focused solely onhisSam, who was sitting at the table, her hands clasped tightly in front of her. Her knuckles were white but it didn't look to Daniel as if she was aware of where she was or what she was doing. She was just staring at the table without really seeing it.
Daniel put his hand over hers, trying to bring her back to him, frowning when the contact made her jump. He couldn't help but notice how cold her hands were. "Are you ok?" he asked.
She nodded, her eyes still slightly out of focus. "I'm fine Daniel." She said it almost reflexively, without any thought behind it, certainly without any emotion.
"It must be a lot for you to handle...," he said carefully. What did you say when a you from an alternate reality suddenly showed up to gatecrash your life?
Sam shook her head, still looking down at the table. "You've no idea..." Her voice was soft and bitter.
Daniel sat down beside her. "I think I have some idea..." he began. "I did visit one of those realities. Of course I never met myself...."
That got a small smile from her, although she still seemed very far away. "Yeah...it's hard..."
Now that he was closer to her, he could see that she had something in her hands, something small that she was rolling between her fingers. "What's that?" he asked, trying to steer the conversation to something, anything, that would deflect her melancholy.
To his surprise, her smile got smaller if that was possible, sadder if it wasn't. She opened her palm out flat, and he could see a silver chain glistening in the light of the room. Threaded onto the chain was a ring, a flat silver band. He saw straight away that it was far too large for Sam's hand. It was more than likely a man's ring. It looked somehow familiar to him, although he didn't know from where. Her hand closed over it again now, shielding it from his gaze.
"It's pretty," he managed, not knowing what else to say. "Your dad's?"
"No." Her voice was quiet. "No. It was someone else's."
Daniel sighed. "You know, youcantalk to me," he reminded her. "About anything, no matter how silly it might seem. I mean, Doctor Carter...
"It's not her-" Sam broke off in mid-sentence as if she was suddenly afraid that she had said too much. It wouldn't have been a problem she would reflect later, if it had been anyone else in the room with her. Anyone but Daniel.
But it was Daniel and he wasn't going to let her away with a slip like that. "Then who?" His eyes widened as the implication set in. "Kawalsky?"
Usually, the look on his face would have raised a chuckle, if not full-blown laughter from her. Today, she just shook her head sadly. "No-one was supposed to know," she told him.
From the look of stupefied amazement on Daniel's face, it was evident that no one had. "You. And Kawalsky."
"Is it so hard to believe?"
"Yes!" At some point, he wasn't quite sure when, Daniel had begun pacing up and down. "I mean...you never said..."
Sam was shaking her head. "We both wanted to work with the SGC Daniel. If the powers that be had known about our relationship, it'd never have been allowed. You know that."
"So when we first met. On Abydos. You were seeing each other then?"
"For about a year," Sam confirmed. "Just after you all went through the Gate the first time. All the team were debriefed at the Pentagon...that's when we first met."
"But...when we got back from Abydos...I stayed with Jack...he told me all about the past year. He told .me about his first meeting with you. He said Kawalsky heckled you in the meeting just as much as he did!"
Sam chuckled at the memory. "Oh, he did. Him and Ferretti...." She shook her head, seeing the two of them as they sat at the conference table, side by side, identical mischievous grins on their faces, eyes shining. She'd seen them do that double act more times than she cared to remember, usually at her expense. "They always did."
"You mean Ferretti knew?"
"He was Charlie's best friend." Redness crept up Sam's neck. "He....he um...."
Daniel's jaw dropped, guessing what she was having trouble saying. "He didn't." His voice was growing steadily more amazed.
Sam nodded, embarrassment written all over her face. "Besides," she began, trying to change the subject. "Charlie had his own reasons for what he said at that briefing...we were kinda in the middle of a fight." At his sceptical look, she clarified. "C'mon Daniel. You know what I'm like. You know Kawalsky's temper. You think things were plain sailing between us?"
"Guess not. What was the fight about?"
"Charlie didn't want me going through the Stargate. He knew the dangers. He said he didn't want anything to happen to me. I told him that he had no right to tell me what to do, that he didn't own me, that I should have gone through the last time.... well, you can guess. We both said a lot of things."
"So what happened?" Daniel was sitting down again, staring at Sam with undisguised curiosity.
"You remember that first night you were back? Was it meant to be just you and the Colonel?"
"No....he asked Kawalsky..." His voice trailed off as he remembered Jack's face when he talked about Ferretti and Kawalsky on the journey back to his place. "He said Kawalsky was going to stay with Ferretti. All night."
"He stayed for a while. Then he came to my quarters." Sam remembered the knock at the door, the exhaustion on his face when she'd let him in. How they'd just held each other. "He said he wanted to make up...but our fight didn't seem to matter that much anymore. With Lou...and Sha're and Skaara..." She shook her head, looking up at the ceiling.
Daniel paused before he asked his next question. "Why didn't Kawalsky tell Jack? I mean, they were best friends."
"They were close Daniel. But they weren't the type of best friends where they knew everything about each other. Charlie didn't even know that Jack had a son. And you don't know what Jack was like the year you were gone. He wouldn't talk to anyone...no matter how often Charlie called him, went to see him, he just didn't want to know." She opened her hand and stared at the ring, a thousand memories running through her mind. "It just never came up. And then..."
"And then we went to Chulak." Daniel's voice was flat.
"Yep." Sam sighed heavily. "The day we found out about Charlie...I couldn't believe it. I just...I mean, I was with him the night before. And there wasn't anything....When he attacked me in the control room...I mean at first, I thought that Charlie would never hurt me. And then I saw his eyes. And I knew he wasn't my Charlie anymore."
"I know that feeling." Blue eyes met blue in newly discovered sympathy. "I remember when the lift doors opened...you were lying there and he was crouched beside you...he was so worried about you."
"I went to see him...when he was strapped to that...thing." Sam shuddered in disgust. "He was still him...and he ordered everyone out...away from us...he said..." Her voice broke slightly, and Daniel put his hand over hers.
"It's ok," he reassured her. "I understand."
"When we were watching the operation," she continued eventually, "I remember you were so hopeful that it would help Sha're. So you could get her back. And I was hoping it'd work...so I could have him back."
"God, Sam" He squeezed her hand. "And afterwards...when you told me that only Kawalsky could have known the codes..."
"Yeah...well...," A blush stained Sam's cheeks. "Let's just say that there's a few other things he knew as well." She stood up, aimlessly walking in circles, as if that would help her escape her memories, the chain still threaded between her fingers. "But realising that knowing that there was some hope for Sha're...it was a way of making sure that Charlie hadn't died in vain."
"I'm so sorry Sam."
Even though he spoke twenty-three different languages, there weren't enough words in any of them to help Sam through this. So he stayed silent, waiting for her to talk to him. After a moment, her footsteps stilled. "Remember when we were on P7J-989?"
He had to think for a minute. "You mean the Gamekeeper's planet?"
Sam nodded. "When we thought we were back here...and we were in that cell and all of a sudden he was there....that was hard. But at least I knew it wasn't real. Seeing him walk into that briefing room today...all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms. He's him. But he's not. And I don't know what..."
She was interrupted by General Hammond's voice at the door. "Ah, Doctor Jackson, I was looking for you too."
Seeing Sam look away and surreptitiously wipe her eyes, Daniel spoke. "Is there news General?"
"I just spoke to the President. Doctor Carter and Major Kawalsky can stay."
Daniel looked sharply at Sam, and if the general saw her blanch at the news he didn't call her on it. "That's good then...isn't it?"
"Well son, I'm not so sure about that, but who am I to overrule the President?" Hammond looked at Sam. "Colonel O'Neill has gone to tell Doctor Carter."
"Has anyone told Major Kawalsky?" Sam wouldn't, couldn't, look at Daniel.
"Colonel O'Neill will, after he tells Doctor Carter."
"Would you like me to tell him?"
Hammond considered it for a moment. "As you wish. I suppose the sooner he hears, the better."
After Hammond had left, Daniel turned worried eyes on Sam. "Are you sure about this? Because I'll..."
"Daniel." Sam's voice brooked no argument. "I'll tell him."
>*<*>*<
Her hand hovered over the door for an instant before she actually knocked the door. She was aware that the airman on guard was looking at her curiously, and she only hoped that the shake of her hand wasn't visible. Hearing Kawalsky's call of "Enter", she took a deep breath and pushed open the door.
Her breath caught in spite of herself when she actually saw Kawalsky. He was lying on the bed, arms folded behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. She found herself caught up in a rush of memories, of all the times that she'd seen Charlie lying like that.
She was only made aware that she was staring when he sat up, frowning. "Are you ok Sam?...I mean....Major Carter."
Sam shook herself mentally, forcing her brain to remember why she was there, even if her body was screaming at her for...other things. "I'm fine Major. And....Sam is fine."
"OK then...Sam. What can I do for you?"
Again, Sam's brain supplied a litany of requests, none of which she gave voice to. "I just came from General Hammond."
Hope flared in Kawalsky's eyes. "And?"
"You can stay." Hope gave way to exultation in Kawalsky's eyes, then just as quickly, something disappeared. Sam had known her Kawalsky for too long to miss the flicker of emotion in his face, gone as soon as he realised that it was there.
"Isn't that what you wanted?"
Kawalsky's shoulders slumped and he sat down heavily on the bed. "It is," he admitted. "It's just....I'm wondering where we go from here, y'know?"
Sam continued standing, looking down at him, knowing just what he was feeling. "I wish I had some answers."
Kawalsky looked up at her. "I'm not worried about me...it's you. Both of you."
Sam shrugged. "I'm sure that Doctor Carter and I will be able to work something out." That didn't convince her, and it didn't convince him either.
"Yeah. Sure you will." She returned his sardonic smile with a small one of her own. "It's just....Sam's been through a lot the past few days. Having to deal with you being here...and Jack as well...it's gonna be hard on her."
Sam's brow furrowed, having lost him momentarily. "What does the Colonel have to do with anything?"
It was Kawalsky's turn to show amazement. "The Colonel? You mean you two...."
An uneasy suspicion had formed in Sam's mind at his first reference to the Colonel, and it was confirmed by the look on Kawalsky's face. Her reaction came straight from the heart, the shock of the notion apparent. "No!"
"Really?"
"It's against regulations," she reminded him, uncomfortably aware of the fact that the alternate reality Carter and O'Neill that Daniel had encountered were engaged to be married. "I take it that your Sam and Jack are....?" She couldn't complete the thought.
"Married." Kawalsky took in the look of shock on her face before staring off into the distance, processing the new information. "I just...you two...my Sam and Jack...you're just...I mean, you're Sam and Jack." He looked over at her, still having trouble with the concept. "You mean you never?"
"Never." Sam took a deep breath, even as her brain screamed at her that what she was about to say was madness. "You see....when I met the Colonel...I was already involved with someone else."
"Oh. Serious?"
She moved closer to the bed, sitting down gingerly, leaving a large space between them. "Yeah...at least...he could've been."
"What happened?"
She couldn't look at him, couldn't look at the eyes that she loved, yet didn't know. "He died."
"Oh." There was a long silence. "I'm sorry Sam."
Her voice was barely a whisper. "Yeah. So was I."
They sat for a moment before Kawalsky stood up, pacing around. Sam guessed that it was his way of trying to break the mood, and she was grateful. At least, she was until he began to speak. "That's why I'm worried about Sam. Our Sam. I mean, she's not even used to Jack being gone. What's it gonna be like for her to see him walking around, but not even know her? She's got all these memories...and they don't exist for him. Can you imagine what that feels like?"
Sam opened her mouth, but words wouldn't come. A strangled croak was all that came out. There was a lump in her throat that was threatening to choke her, and she suddenly got the distinct impression that the walls were closing in on her. Her tear filled eyes met Kawalsky's and one hand automatically went to her chest, as if it was trying to keep in her sobs.
Kawalsky didn't know what was happening, or why, but he knew the best thing that he could do was stay calm. So, masking his own panic with years of Air Force training, he closed the space between them in a few short strides and gripped her by the shoulders, holding her firmly. "It's ok Sam....it's ok...just take deep breaths ok? You can do it...in and out....that's it...." When she showed signs of responding, he nodded. "Now, we just want to get you some air ok?" Her overalls were buttoned right to the top, and reaching out, he quickly unsnapped the first couple of buttons, revealing the black T-shirt underneath.
Then it was his turn to struggle for breath.
Around Sam's neck was a silver chain, with a silver ring hanging from it.
The same chain and ring that were hanging around his own neck.
"What...?" he gasped when he was able to speak again, even as the knowledge of what must have happened in this reality took form in his mind. "Where did you...?" He hadn't moved from his position of crouching in front of her, and his hands remained on her shoulders.
"You gave it to me," Sam managed to whisper.
Kawalsky reached out and touched the ring gently, catching it on the tip of his finger. Seeing it closer only confirmed what he already knew - it was his grandfather's ring, given to him the day he graduated from the Air Force. It was the most precious thing he owned, the only personal thing he'd taken with him when he went through the mirror. "He was the guy?" When Sam nodded, he continued. "What happened to him?"
"We went to Chulak....the Jaffa home world," she told him quietly. "He was taken by a Goa'uld....it wasn't mature at first, he didn't even know it was there...when we did, we tried to remove it, but it didn't work."
"Wasn't it against regulations?"
Sam shook her head. "We weren't working together when we first started seeing one another. It never came up. When we both go assigned here, we knew we couldn't tell anyone because we were on the same team. We would have been ok though...when the SG teams were first formed, he got command of SG2....our relationship wouldn't have mattered." Kawalsky could see the pain in her eyes as she lost herself in her memories. He wasn't sure if she even knew that he was in front of her. "Once we survived the fight that is...."
Kawalsky tilted his head. "Fight? What was the fight about?"
"He knew the dangers of the program....didn't want me involved. He had this idea that he wanted to protect me or something...."
"Was that so bad?"
A bittersweet smile crossed Sam's face. "I guess not. I just wish we could have saved him."
Still kneeling in front of her, Kawalsky finally let the ring drop from his finger, settling his hands instead on top of hers, which were clenched tightly in her lap. "He was a very lucky man."
Sam stared down at his hands covering hers, and once again, a thousand memories assailed her. How he'd phone her when work separated them, how his anecdotes would lift her day. How his eyes would dance when he laughed. How he looked at her last thing at night and first thing in the morning. Simple things, like going to see a movie together, or walking through the city together. Holding his hand. The way his hands had felt against her skin. The same way these hands felt now - except that it wasn't him, and it never would be again.
It just looked like him, and sounded like him, and smelled like him, and felt like him.
A sob rose up in her throat, and without thinking she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. After only an instant of hesitation, he returned the gesture, hands running up and down her back, murmuring words of comfort. "I miss him so much," she whispered, so softly that she could barely even hear herself.
"I know."
When she regained some control, Sam pulled away. "I'm sorry. You're just...." Kawalsky reached one hand up and wiped away any trace of her tears, letting his hand linger as she closed her eyes and leaned into it. When she opened her eyes and found herself looking into his, she forgot to think, forgot who and where she was, and followed her heart. It only took the slightest of moves to lean forward and meet his lips. She felt him freeze against her and in that instant, her heart sank. Then, his arms wrapped around her and he responded enthusiastically, opening his mouth to hers, exploring her with his tongue. One of his hands reached up to cradle the back of her head, as her fingers ran through his hair. It felt so right...so familiar...so nice.
It was Kawalsky who pulled away first, but Sam took some satisfaction in the fact that his breathing was as harsh as hers was. "We shouldn't be doing this right now," he managed. "With what I've been through the last few days...and your relationship with the other me...this is a real bad idea."
Sam nodded, unable to pull her eyes away from his lips. "You're right. You're right. Bad idea."
"The worst."
They stayed like that, staring at each other, both knowing that the other was lying through their teeth. It was Sam who eventually broke the deadlock by standing. "I should go."
Kawalsky stood too. "Yeah. I'll probably see you around....later..." There was doubt in his voice, but there was hope there too.
A real smile, the first one that day, split Sam's face. "Count on it." Impulsively, she leaned forward and kissed him again, lightly, quickly, but with no less intensity. She left the room smiling and began to head towards Doctor Carter's quarters, hoping to catch Colonel O'Neill on the way.
>*<*>*<
Her smile had disappeared by the time Sam stood in her lab, staring at the Asgard generator on the bench, remembering everything that they'd done the last time to try to make it work, trying to remember everything she knew that might possibly make this work. Hopefully, having two people on this would make things easier, because she didn't have a clue how she was going to pull this off.
And it wouldn't help matters that she wasn't exactly operating at full capacity. That there was something on her mind that just wouldn't go away. Someone who wouldn't go away.
Except that that was just what he was going to do. Go away and leave her. Again.
She'd known. She'd known the minute he came into that briefing, when he asked Hammond if he could stay and participate, what he was planning to say. She could read Charlie like a book; she knew what he was planning to do. She'd known ever since she'd seen him looking at Doctor Carter in the infirmary, once he'd realised just what entropic cascade failure would do to her. Her Charlie would never have let anything happen to her. And this Kawalsky wouldn't let anything happen to this Sam either.
Still, it had taken all her military training and discipline not to stand up and beg him not to do this. To stay in this universe, in this reality, with her.I already lost you onceher subconscious mind railed at him.I don't want to do it again!Losing him once had been hard enough...learning how to sleep alone, hugging his pillow to her night after night, wishing that he was there. Little things, like seeing his toothbrush beside hers, the clothes that he kept at her house, his favourite coffee mug with the chip at the side that he wouldn't let her throw out. Seeing or hearing something, wanting to turn around and tell him about it. It had taken months for those feelings to go away - even now, they still sometimes blindsided her.
She'd mentioned to Daniel how seeing him during the whole Gamekeeper fiasco had thrown her, but she hadn't told him the full story. About how she'd felt when Kawalsky had asked the Colonel if he didn't miss having him around. When he'd reminded Daniel how he'd always made him laugh. He'd always made Sam laugh too. And when he'd looked at her...even though he'd called her Captain Carter, the way he always did when they were around the others, there had been a look in his eye that she'd missed for so long, for so many long and lonely nights. And when he'd said to her that no-one ever got old there, as good as dangling the carrot of an eternity of life with him in front of her, she'd been torn between begging him to take her with him and closing the distance between the two of them and strangling him with her bare hands.
But that wasn't real. That was some computer generated being, an amalgam of their memories and imaginations and wishful thinking. This Kawalsky was real, flesh and blood, heart and soul.
During the kiss they had shared earlier, Sam had known that it wasn't the Kawalsky that she had loved. And to her surprise on reflection, she didn't care. All she knew was that he was there, back in her arms as if he had never left. Janet had told them all that he was Major Charles Kawalsky in every physical way, and Sam could back that up. In appearance and voice, in touch and taste, he was Charlie. For whatever reason, through whatever miraculous combination of circumstances, he'd come back to her. And in the hours between the kiss and the call to the infirmary, she'd done something she never normally let herself do. She let herself dream. About herself and Kawalsky, and about the plans they'd made, the things they'd always wanted to do. Dreams that she'd been forced to abandon two years ago suddenly came out of storage and became things that she could now dream about doing again.
And then, it had all fallen apart.
The hell of it was, she wasn't even angry with him. How could she be? If he'd done anything else, if he'd stood by and let Doctor Carter die, or go back without him, then he wouldn't be anything like the Kawalsky she'd known. And while this wasn't the Kawalsky she'd known, she'd learned that in every way that mattered, he was just like him. Her Charlie would have done the same thing, she had no doubt. So she wasn't angry. It was just another reason to love him.
She was pulled out of her reverie by the arrival of the Colonel and Doctor Carter. Thoughts of Kawalsky were put to the back of her mind as best she could as she tried to figure out how to save the world of her alternate self.
>*<*>*<
Meanwhile, Daniel and Kawalsky were walking down the hall on their way to the quantum mirror. They all knew that it was necessary for someone from their side to know how to work it, and that Daniel was the obvious candidate for student, with Kawalsky as teacher. However, he'd be lying if he said that that was the only reason. He was more than a little curious about Kawalsky, who he'd never felt that he knew all that well. In the wake of Sam's revelation that morning, he felt as if he'd never known him at all! And he was worried about Sam, about how Kawalsky's presence here was affecting her. He'd known from looking at her when Kawalsky appeared that something was wrong with her - he'd never imagined anything like the story she told him. As someone who knew what it was like to lose the person you loved more than anything, the person you'd planned on spending the rest of your life with to the Goa'uld, as someone who knew how it felt to have that person turn up again when you weren't expecting it, he was concerned for her. And as someone who knew what it was like to find the person you loved again only to lose them again, he knew the pain that she was going to go through. He knew that she was going to need someone to be there for her. Hopefully, if he knew Kawalsky a little better, knew what he was like, he'd be able to help Sam a little more.
Of course, for that to happen, Kawalsky would actually have to talk. And he wasn't doing a whole lot of that.
"Everything ok?" Daniel asked. "You look kinda...preoccupied."
Kawalsky shrugged, probably meaning the gesture to come off as carefree. Instead it looked forced, strained. "I'm ok Doctor...Daniel. Just realising what's at stake here."
"Sam." Daniel spoke what was on both their minds.
Kawalsky sighed heavily. "Yeah. I'm just wondering what's gonna happen if we fail."
Daniel fought back a sigh as he too considered the worst case scenario. "We'll just have to make sure we don't fail then."
Kawalsky nodded. "She's one hell of a woman."
"That she is."
"Her and Jack...they never?"
"Never." Daniel's response was quick and firm.
"And she hasn't...." Kawalsky stopped walking when he took in the look on Daniel's face. "You know don't you?"
Daniel stopped walking too and, with hands in pockets, heaved a sigh as he looked up to heaven. "Yeah. I know."
"For how long?"
"She only told me this morning. I knew something was wrong with her and kept after her until she told me."
"I just...." Kawalsky leaned against the wall for support. "I never expected her to feel like that. About me. Our Sam...she only had eyes for Jack. And we all looked at her, y'know? I mean, c'mon, she's pretty easy on the eyes." A non-committal shrug from Daniel was the only response. "Don't tell me you never looked at her."
Daniel blinked at the veiled accusation. "We're on the same team...I'm married..."
Kawalsky gave him a look that screamed "Whatever" at him, clearly not believing him for an instant. "There wasn't a man in the SGC that wouldn't have loved to fill Jack's shoes. Sam's a looker...she's smart...friendly...everyone loves her. But when she's with him, she just lights up. She looks at him like there's no-one else in the world....just him. And I was there today, and there she was, looking at me that way."
"Except it wasn't your Sam."
"And it didn't matter a damn." Kawalsky's voice was flat, with no emotion whatsoever. It was the voice of a man who had been close enough to reach out and grab what he most wanted in the world, only to have it snatched away from him. Daniel Jackson knew that voice. "All I wanted to do was stay there with her for the rest of my life."
"But you can't."
"But I can't." Pain crossed Kawalsky's face as memories of three days ago overwhelmed him. "I was there. When he died. He was laying on the ground, and Sam was holding him. She was just trying not to fall apart. And he was saying things to her that I couldn't hear. And then he looked over at me. And he told me to take care of her for him. Never to let anything happen to her. I promised him that. And I'm not going to break that. Not even now."
Daniel was silent for a moment, not even being able to imagine the quandary that Kawalsky was in, wanting to do one thing, but being pulled in another direction entirely. His own happiness, or fulfilling a promise he'd made to a friend? Knowing the decision that he'd come to, he was filled with admiration for the man, and he was pretty sure that it was the same thing that their Kawalsky would have done.
It was Kawalsky who spoke next, giving voice to Daniel's concerns as well as his own. "I'm just worried about your Sam. How she's going to be after this."
"Sam's pretty strong." As soon as Daniel said the words, he knew that he wasn't convincing anyone, least of all himself. Because as much as Sam wanted to be strong and was strong, he knew she wasn't strong enough to withstand going through losing Kawalsky again. He'd lost Sha're once, and that had been bad enough. Sitting by and watching her walk through the Stargate with Apophis a second time had nearly killed him. It was Sam who had pulled him through that, even though she had her own problems with her father's illness. They'd cried on each other's shoulders, solidifying a bond of friendship already forged in fire. She wouldn't be able to get through this on her own. But she'd have him to help her.
As these thoughts went through his mind, Kawalsky called him on his words. "Not that strong."
"No. But she will be fine. She's got good friends to help her."
"Like you?" There was an unmistakable edge to Kawalsky's question.
"We're friends." Daniel's voice was even. Too even.
Kawalsky looked hard at him, could see the emotions whirling behind the other man's glasses. Shaking his head, he let the issue pass. "Just do me a favour. Look after her ok?"
Daniel nodded. "Sure."
>*<*>*<
Sam stood in her lab and stared at the Asgard generator on the bench. The now working Asgard accelerator on the bench. She still couldn't believe that the two of them had pulled it off....that they'd been able to put their awkwardness over the situation aside and come up with a solution.
For the first time in her life, she wished that she hadn't been able to figure it out.
She knew that she was just being selfish. That it had to be done, to save Doctor Carter's life. To save the Earth, albeit in an alternate reality. She was a soldier, she was part of SG-1, that was what she did, what she was expected to do. Even when she didn't really want to.
How could you feel good about saving the world when it felt like it was going to kill you?
She was aware of his presence before he spoke, before she even registered the footfall, heard the door close behind him. "Good job there," he told her, coming up alongside her, staring at the generator.
"Yeah. I didn't think we'd get it for a while." Was she doing a good job of hiding her feelings she wondered? Could he tell that this whole thing was tearing her apart inside?
"Hey, who'd bet against you?"
Sam's knuckles were gripping the edge of the table and she couldn't help but notice that they were white. She jumped a little when Kawalsky placed a hand over hers, his fingers rubbing over hers gently. She closed her eyes, committing the touch to memory, filing it alongside the other memories that she would have to make do with from now on.
"Your hands are freezing," he observed.
"Yeah...well...." What did you say in a situation like this?
Kawalsky didn't know what to say either. So he settled for the truth. "I wish I could stay."
The soft sincerity in his voice made her throat seize up, made her close her eyes tighter against his words, against the emotion they evoked. "I wish you could too." Turning, she buried her head in his neck, feeling his arms go around her, rocking her slightly. She allowed herself the luxury of staying there for a moment before straightening herself, albeit reluctantly. "I guess it wasn't meant to be."
He reacted as if she'd never spoken. "God I'm gonna miss you."
Shivers ran the length of her spine at the longing in his face and voice. "Charlie don't....this is hard enough."
He placed his hands on her shoulders, before running them down her arms and taking her hands in his. "I have to....or I'll never get the chance to tell you this again. Look...I'm not good with fancy speeches...I never know what to say. But what I do know is that I never thought that I'd be lucky enough to have someone look at me the way our Sam looked at Jack. And I sure as hell never thought that that someone would be you. And it doesn't matter that it can't last...it doesn't matter what it took to get here....all that matters is that it happened. Does that make sense?"
Tears stood in Sam's eyes as she nodded. "Yeah."
"And that's why I know you're wrong Sam."
"I am?"
"Look at the two of us. There's no logical way that we should ever have met. No way that we could have predicted this. But it happened anyway. It must've been for a reason right?"
"I wish I could believe that," she whispered, her scientist's instincts kicking in. Despite his Air Force training and his no-nonsense approach on the job, Charlie had always been the romantic of the two of them. And, she reflected, in spite of his profession that he never knew what to say, he always ended up saying just the right things.
A lot like someone else she knew.
"Then believe this." Leaning forward, Kawalsky took her in his arms and kissed her. It wasn't the passionate kiss of their earlier encounter, instead it was gentler, softer. It was the kiss of a future thwarted and a present that was all too soon coming to an end. It was a kiss of goodbye.
When they drew apart, tears rolled unrestrained down Sam's cheeks, and Kawalsky's eyes were none too dry either. "I'm going to miss you Charlie," she managed to whisper.
"Me too."
Sam reached up impatiently and brushed her tears away. "I don't know who it's going to be worse for," she mused. "Me getting used to being without you again, or you, being able to see me all the time."
"But it's not gonna be you." Kawalsky's hands played with the ends of her hair, so much shorter than Doctor Carter's, the lone distinguishing characteristic between them.
An ill-timed chuckle from Sam surprised them both. "Now you know how it feels."
He laughed too at that, drawing her into another hug, holding her tightly as if he was afraid that she would slip away from him. She sighed as she felt a kiss to her temple, and closed her eyes, not wanting the moment to end.
She didn't know how long it was until the phone rang. They looked into each other's eyes and saw the regret there, the realisation that their borrowed time had finally come to an end. Picking up the phone, she heard Daniel's voice on the other end. It was a quick conversation, with him trying to be as sensitive as possible, her staring at Kawalsky, wondering if she could find a way to turn back time. Inevitably though, she hung up the phone. "They're waiting for you."
>*<*>*<
They still make a great looking couple.
The thought came unbidden to Kawalsky's mind as he stood back, looking at Sam and Jack, in the throes of a final goodbye. He had the utmost sympathy for them. He knew what it was like to say a goodbye like that. And he had a good idea of how Sam was feeling. Saving the universe didn't feel so good when it felt like a part of you was dying.
On the other side of the mirror, he could see the other Sam...his Sam, as he'd come to think of her in so short a space of time. She was looking at Jack and Sam too, no doubt wondering what they were saying, what they were thinking. Then she looked beyond them, right at him. He could see the tears glistening in her eyes, knew the effort it was taking to keep them back.
He looked across the room at Daniel, whose hand was hovering over the mirror, ready to step back into his own world. The archaeologist chose just that moment to look at him. Kawalsky glanced pointedly into the mirror, reminding Daniel without words of his promise. He was gratified to see the other man nod once, firm and resolute before touching the mirror. In an instant he was on the other side.
Kawalsky watched the whole thing unfold. She tried to smile bravely upon seeing Daniel, and even though the man's back was to the mirror, he could almost imagine the look of sympathy that was on Daniel's face. He walked around behind Sam and stood there, following her gaze through the mirror.
Pain flared on Sam's face and she looked down. Frowning, Kawalsky looked over at Sam and Jack, only to see them kissing.Oh boywas his only thought.Wonder how that's gonna make Jack feel.He'd watched the other Jack, and while he was more like the Jack Kawalsky knew than he'd ever believed possible, in one way, he was totally different. It was obvious that this Jack had never thought of Sam in a romantic way. And from the look on Sam's face, she was beginning to find that out too. "You're not him, are you? Then can I just pretend?" He could hear her whisper of anguish and it tore at his heart.
Jack stepped over to the mirror and stretched out his hand. Unobtrusively, Kawalsky took a step closer to Sam, wanting to be there for her. He could see the other Sam, biting her lip, Daniel's hand on her shoulder. With a final half smile, Jack touched the mirror and vanished to the other side.
Kawalsky's eyes met Sam's in the mirror and held until the mirror turned black.
He didn't snap back to reality until he heard Sam's sobs and instinctively he took her in his arms. "What do we do now?" she cried softly.
Still staring at the mirror, at the place where Sam had been, Kawalsky said the only thing he could think of. "We go on."
>*<*>*<
Sam was alone in her apartment, looking through old photographs, wandering down memory lane. A smiling Kawalsky played with Schrodinger in one, made faces at her in another. A series of shots showed them in California, laughter and love shining from every frame. She was lost in memories when a knock at the door brought her back to herself. Smiling, she stood, not needing to open the door to know who was on the other side. "Hey."
Daniel blinked in obvious surprise, much to Sam's amusement. "Hey. Are you ok?"
She nodded, leaning against the doorframe. "I'm fine."
"Really?"
She shrugged. "Not really. But I will be. You want to come in?"
"Are you sure? Because if you want to be alone...."
"Daniel." The single word stopped her. "I don't want to be alone anymore."
Nodding, he stepped through the door, letting it swing shut behind him.
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