Chains
Chains
by pz
Summary: Sam finds that her priorities change.
Category: Romance
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 04/03/03
Chains - Sam's priorities change.
Authors: PZ
Summary: Written from Sam's perspective. When Sam's priorities changed .
Thanks: To Tina Arena for the inspiration.
No infringement of any copyright intended. This was written just for pleasure.
your arms are warm but they make me feel as if they're made of cold cold steel
a simple kiss like a turnin' key
a little click and the lock's on me
can't move my arms can't lift my hands i won't admit to where i am
but i know baby i'm in chains
i'm in chains
i pretend i can always leave
free to go whenever i please
but then the sound of my desperate calls echo off these dungeon walls
i've crossed the line from mad to sane a thousand times and back again
i love you baby i'm in chains
i'm in chains
i'm in chains
i'm in chains
should have known passing through the gate that once inside i could not escape
i never thought this could happen to me never thought this is where i'd be
but baby baby baby look at me
baby baby look at me i'm in chains
i'm in chains
i never thought this is where i'd be
never thought this could happen to me
Well, I suppose it had to happen one day and it did...Today.
I was working on the Naquadaah generator. Sometimes I think that the quest for ever more power from that thing is like the quest for the holy grail. Never-ending. Anyway I was well engrossed in stripping down the power modulator when an airman popped his head around the door and told me General Hammond wanted to see me. I didn't have a clue what for. We were on a weeks stand down while the Stargate was undergoing it's annual service and as far as I was aware there were no outstanding issues to be tidied up. In fact for the last few months things had been going remarkably smoothly..... With the Goa'uld that is. Not with me! Emotionally I'm a mess, but I'm pretty sure that I don't let it interfere with work. I'm used to it; I deal with it like Daniel does his allergies: keep taking the medicine and learn to live with it.
Anyway I had a quick wash and brush up and went down to the General's office. I won't say I wasn't prepared. This job tends to make you prepared for anything. I knocked on the door and entered. General Hammond was sitting there behind his desk looking unusually pleased with himself.
`Come in , Come in, Sam. Sit down', he said with a wide smile on his face. I do love him. He always reminds me of a favourite Teddy bear, but I know that there is a core of solid steel in there. Anyway, he cut straight to the point.
`Sam, I have some good news; and I have to say that it's more than overdue.'
I didn't have a clue what he was going to say next.
`Major Carter, I am authorised to offer you your first permanent Command'.
You could have knocked me over with a feather, so I suppose my reply must have sounded a little weak `Sir? How? In the SGC?'
The General grinned widely, 'Yes, Major. In the SGC. I have been authorised to create a new SG team. A team sourced entirely from the scientific military. And I want you to command that team. You'll have a roving brief, backing up the other SG teams. It makes sense not to separate out our scientific expertise when not all missions warrant a science presence. Some teams currently have non at all when they could actually do with some.'
I know I should have been ecstatic. Being offered your first real Command is a big step up the ladder. It would surely mean promotion at some time, and I like the sound of Lieutenant-Colonel Carter. Ambition was not a quiet little fire that burned in a hidden corner of my soul, it was a pretty big raging conflagration. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that had been so far in my life. I suppose a shrink would say I was trying to prove myself to Dad. So what was my reaction? Big hug for the General? Beaming smile? Not quite! To be precise it was 'Oh!'.
The General raised an eyebrow and looked at me. Seemed to look right into me actually. I suppose that's what makes him a good commander. He does seem to understand what you're thinking. Most of the time, that is. I hope to high heaven he doesn't understand me this time or not only is it goodbye to the career, but the job as well!
He spoke slowly as he asked me, 'There a problem, Major?'
'No, sir. I had no idea. Just surprised, that's all'. I sounded weak even to myself.
The General's eyes were piercing.
'I see, Major. Perhaps you'd better think it over and come back to me when you've made your decision'. His voice sounded just ever so slightly edgy as he continued, 'I suggest you talk it over with your CO. I haven't raised this with him yet, but I'm sure Colonel O'Neill will approve'.
With a voice that had gone from weak to pathetic I mumbled a response 'Yes, sir. Thank you, sir', and stumbled out of his office.
If he'd asked me three weeks ago, I'd have jumped at the chance. Maybe not jumped exactly, but I would have been happy to consider it. It would never have been easy to leave a team that meant more to me than family, but I think that I would have made a rational decision. So what's changed in three weeks? Sounds like time for one of those flash back things.
The trip to P5X-633 was completely routine. Yet another planet with no indigenous population left, but lots of rocks for Daniel to drool over. At least it wasn't raining. In fact it was nice enough to walk about in Tee shirts, so that makes a change. It did have one interesting feature. Interesting enough to merit an overnighter. It had a moon that was so large that it didn't really act as a satellite, i.e. moved around the planet, it was more like they moved round each other in a strange kind of dance. I wanted to observe how this strange phenomenon affected weather. We arrived early morning and it took me until lunch to set up the meteorological recording equipment, but then I didn't have much else to do. Daniel had been rooting in the rocks all morning and was busy filming and transcribing some glyphs that he had found. The Colonel was unusually quiet. He'd just mooched about most of the morning, not saying much, which meant that we'd all got on with our jobs. Teal'c was helping Daniel identify some of the rock markings. When I'd set up the measuring devices there was nothing for me to do, so I strolled over to the Colonel, He was sat on a large flat-topped rock oiling and polishing the small armoury that he always carried. He didn't notice me coming, and when I spoke he jumped.
'Hey, sir.'
'Jeez, Carter. You tryin' to give me a heart attack?'
'Sorry, sir'.
I sat down beside him and watched him for a while until he'd finished and eventually he looked up at me. I noticed that he was decidedly 'down'. The peak of his cap was pulled down low and he was wearing those dark glasses that effectively hid his eyes. His voice was low as he spoke, 'You want somethin' Major?'
'I've finished setting up my equipment, sir. Just wondered what you wanted me to do next', I replied.
I watched his face as he struggled with some indefinable emotion, but when he replied, I felt like I'd been slapped in the face.
'How about keepin' out of my hair for a change, Major. Can't you find anythin' to do yourself? You want baby-sitting or somethin'?', he said.
My feelings must have showed on my face, because as I stood up to leave, he grabbed my arm. 'Oh God. I'm sorry, Carter. Don't run off', he beseeched. I was going to stalk off anyway, but then he took off his glasses and gave me a look with those liquid chocolate eyes that stopped me in my tracks, so I sat down again. I wasn't really offended. I knew his reaction must mean that he was mulling something over. Something he wasn't too happy about. He scuffed the ground a bit with the toe of his boot and then straightening his shoulders he seemed to pull himself together before he spoke.
'Maybe it'd be a good idea to reccy the area, while Daniel's so tied up with his rocks. Teal'c can stay with him. We should be able to cover 15 klicks before nightfall. Whadya' think?'
'Sounds fair to me, sir', I replied, keeping my voice just on the edge of icy. I wanted to make him aware that although he was obviously having some problems, it didn't excuse him being rude to me. We'd worked together so long that you'd think we could discuss things, get a bit personal. But not Colonel Jack O'Neill. He kept everything locked up and shut away somewhere deep inside.
'You gather up a pack, Carter, and I'll go tell Daniel and Teal'c', he said. His voice implied that he hadn't even noticed my cool tone.
It didn't take me long to make sure we had all the necessary equipment. I didn't pack the tent, as we were expecting to be back before nightfall, but I did include some food bars and half the medical kit. I left the other half in Daniel's pack. The Colonel soon reappeared and we set off across the rolling countryside. It was pleasant walking in the sunshine and we covered a number of klicks without speaking. Not that it was uncomfortable. We just knew each other well enough not to have to fill up the silence with inane chatter. Having said that it was pretty unusual for the Colonel not to pass occasional comments. We walked a bit further, then the Colonel just held up his hand.
'Let's stop for lunch', he said.
'Yes, sir', I replied, peeling off my pack thankfully and dropping it on the ground. I got out the canteen and a couple of food bars and we munched, still in silence. After eating, the Colonel leaned back against his pack and folded his hands behind his head. After a moment he started speaking slowly.
'You know what today is, Carter?'
I desperately racked my brains. I was pretty sure it wasn't anybody's birthday, and nothing else sprung into my mind.
'Sorry, sir?', I said hesitantly.
The colonel lowered his dark glasses and looked at me.
'It's five years since SG-1 was formed', he said dryly.
'Five years?', I replied.
'Five years to the day! And what we got to show for it, Carter?'.
I was dumbstruck. The Colonel sounded positively depressed.
'Well, I think we've probably saved the earth a couple of times, sir. And we've picked up a whole pile of technology en route. We've met other......', I was rattling on until he interrupted.
'Yeah, yeah, blah, blah. I know all that stuff, Carter. But what do you have to show for it? Personally, I mean. Don't you get pissed off sometimes with all that hero stuff? Don't you just want some personal success in your life? You know, husband, kids, white picket fence, dog, all that kinda stuff? Even just someone to go out on a few dates with, wake up in the mornin' with. Things that normal people want'.
I stared at him, and I guess my mouth must have been open. In all those five years, he had rarely if ever spoken at such a personal level. He turned on his side, took those glasses off again and looked intently at me.
'Haven't you ever noticed how emotionally crippled we all are? The team that is? Look at me. Divorced. No kids, not any more'.
I winced at his hard tone, but he continued.
'Oh yeah, there's been a couple of relationships. Not your everyday ones, of course. One night 'cos I was drugged with a cake and Laira, who I haven't even been back to see since. Danny boy's wife had a kid by a snakehead, then died, and he's had a couple of ill advised flings, one with a snakehead, one with a mass murderer. Teal'c has a wife and son he never sees much and there's you of course'.
He hesitated for a moment before continuing.
'What about you Carter? You're young, smart, beautiful, and you live on a base full of men, so how come they're not queuing up for you. Oh, I know there's the Major Carter fan club, not so's you'd notice or do anything about it. Five years is a long time to go on just a few stolen kisses and a couple of admirers. Looks like you've got the kiss of death as well! You can't make love to a Naquadaah generator.'
He must have heard my sharp intake of breath because he stopped and looked at me intently.
'I'm not trying to be cruel, Carter. Just honest'.
'That doesn't make it any less hurtful', I flung back at him.
'Sorry. Got a feelin' it's gonna be one of those days when I say that lot,' he mumbled.
I stood up and put my pack back on without saying any more. To be honest, I couldn't have even if I'd wanted. I knew what he was driving at, and the worse thing was I knew he was right. As a team we were the best. As a group of individuals, we were pretty sad really, by any measuring stick. We were all married to our jobs. The Colonel stood as well and we continued on our survey of the area. The afternoon passed quickly, with neither of us saying much. As we rounded a small hill, the Colonel suddenly stopped and looked at his watch.
'Damn! We haven't been watching the time, Carter. Damn, damn! We aren't going to get back before nightfall. I'd better call Daniel'.
He fished out his comms unit and called Daniel, telling him that we would be back in the morning. After he'd finished, he looked thoughtful for a moment and then said 'I guess we should go back as far as we can tonight, Carter and then set camp'.
I answered him tersely 'Yes, sir', and started retracing the path that we'd come. He followed, still in silence.
We walked for another hour or so. The light was getting very dim when I tripped on a boulder that I could no longer see. I felt a warm hand immediately grab my arm and steady me. He didn't let go as he spoke.
'You ok, Carter? I think we'd better set camp while there's any light left at all. You make a fire, I'll set the tent'.
'Sorry, sir. No tent', I offered hesitantly.
'No tent?', he queried.
'Didn't think we'd need one, sir, so there was no point in carrying it. Sorry', I said.
I was waiting for the sarcasm, but to my surprise he just spoke softly, 'Doesn't matter. Looks like a nice night for sleeping under the stars'.
He helped me find wood for the fire and we soon had it blazing merrily. It was a beautiful night and the huge moon filled half the sky, casting a kind of pearly light over everything. I was sitting near the fire with my arms wrapped round my knees when he started speaking in a voice so low I had to struggle to hear him.
'I'm sorry, Carter. I didn't mean to hurt you, before. I don't know what's up with me today'.
'That's ok, sir. You're right you know', I replied.
I saw him turn to face me in the firelight, his eyes glittering.
'Ya' think?'.
'Sure. Look at us. Great team, sad people'.
He nodded.
'There is more to life, y'know Carter', he said.
'Is there, sir? At least you've known more. I haven't. I know I've been engaged, but that was a long time ago, and it wasn't real anyway. At least you had Sara and Charlie. They were real'.
'Yeah, they were. But that was a long time ago too, Carter. So how come there aint a Mr Carter?', he asked.
I thought for a minute before answering quietly, 'Just never had the time, I guess, sir. First there was studying, then Desert Storm, then SG1.'
'Yeah. But in the five years I've known you, I don't even remember the odd fling, Carter. Not a real fling. Not a wake up with someone in the mornin' fling. There was time for that at least. It doesn't always have to be the ultimate one? Sometimes it's just nice to be close to someone for a while, have a good time' he persisted.
'I suppose there was time. I don't know really. Just never happened', I answered lamely. I was not going to tell him the real reason. I was not going to tell him that I hadn't had any serious affairs because I was in love with my CO. That all other men looked like little boys in comparison. That I lived my life in some sort of sad waiting and hoping game. Since that time we'd had to admit to the Tok'ra how we felt, the subject had been strictly out of bounds. We'd done as promised and left it in that room. It seemed almost a lifetime ago, but it hadn't changed how I feel. Not how I really feel, deep inside.
The Colonel was obviously not in a mood to be put off, so he persisted, 'Don't buy that, Carter. There must be someone who catches your eye? Someone at the SGC?'
'No, sir', I murmured wondering exactly what he was fishing for. This was definitely stretching the boundaries of that agreement that we had.
'Ha.!', he said triumphantly, 'There is. I knew it. You pining away for someone, Carter? Unrequited love and all that. Come on, who is it?'
He was really starting to annoy me. It was as though all that Zay'tarc thing had never happened, and I heard my voice raise a pitch, as I replied, 'None of your business, if you don't mind me saying, sir'. At that I turned away from the fire and grabbed for my bedding roll, saying 'I'll turn in now, sir.' Before I could get away from him, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back round to face him. His hand was burning my skin where it touched.
'Sam, I'm sorry, again. I know that it's all I seem to have said today, but I do mean it.'
I didn't know whether he was aware that he'd used my first name. I was used to 'Carter' or even 'Major'. It was familiar, safe. But 'Sam' was more personal. Outside our usual relationship of CO & 2IC. I was feeling decidedly weak at the knees. He was still holding my wrist as he spoke, 'Come on, let's change the subject. Come for a walk to the top of that hill and let's admire the view. We don't get much chance normally. It's usually raining'.
He let go of my wrist and I followed him away from the fire and up to top of the hill where we sat on some rocks. The view was stunning. The velvet black of the sky was dominated by the huge moon, which looked so close you could reach up and touch it. Stars peppered the rest of the night sky. The moon cast a soft silvery glow which seemed to light everything up. I guess I was hypnotised by the moon because I just started speaking slowly, 'I guess this is why we do it, sir. How privileged we are to see what so few people ever will. It kind of makes everything else seem mundane. There's only you, Daniel Teal'c and me sat under this whole enormous sky. Everything else pales into insignificance'.
I heard him sigh before he spoke, 'Yeah. Guess you're right'.
It was just about then that I sunk into complete lunacy. I guess it was that moon again. Before I knew what I was saying, I carried on speaking 'You were right again, sir. There is someone. Someone more special to me than I could ever express. Only I can't tell him.'
I heard the sharp intake of breath before I continued recklessly, 'So, like you said, sir. Unrequited love and all that!'
'Why is it unrequited?'
'Situation, sir. Has to be that way'.
'Is he married?'
'No, sir'. I was staring to enjoy it in a perverse kind of way. It was like a game of cat and mouse. He must know how I feel about him. We'd said it. In front of witnesses. And there was that time we were trapped under that city. Not knowing who we were. It was as though we were different people then. I guessed that he was fishing for reassurance.
'Does he know how you feel?', he said, then added as an afterthought and a raised eyebrow, 'It is a he?'
I had to restrain from giggling out loud, 'Yes, sir. It is a he. Very much a he, and I don't know if he knows or not. I think he does know, he just doesn't want to know, doesn't want to admit it'. I wondered if the little barb had hit home.
'Oh,' the relief evident in his voice made me realise either he didn't know, or he was ignoring my digs at him, 'Why don't you tell him then?'
'It's like Pandora's box, sir', I replied.
'What?'
'You know, Pandora's box. Once she let out the evils of the world, she couldn't put them back. I'm afraid that once I tell him I won't be able to unsay it. It'll change how we are. He won't look at me in the same way. It'll spoil things'. I was starting to regret getting into this discussion, but he had the bit between his teeth.
'Why would you want to unsay stuff? Don't you mean the things you say? If they're true, they can't be wrong'. His voice was firmer as he spoke, 'Life's too short to stand on ceremony'.
'I can't', I said lamely.
He took hold of my shoulders and turned me to face him. We were standing really quite close and my head was whirling. The whole thing had gone too far. Much, much further than I intended. The game had become serious.
'Listen, Sam. I'm your CO. If you have an emotional problem, you can discuss it with me', he said, far too softly, I know this kinda' stuff is not my speciality, but I should try harder. It is part of the job and I want to help you if I can'.
The use of my first name again was the straw that broke the camel's back and before I could stop it, I was sobbing. I could tell he was absolutely horrified, I was and he must have been, but he didn't try to stop me or say anything, so I just leaned against his sleeve and had a good cry. It was like months and years of emotions all spilled out
When I'd finished, I pulled away from him and as I was hiccupping, trying to get my breath, he spoke again, ' Sam, the jerk's not worth it. Nobody should make you feel like that'.
This time I just started laughing and he looked completely confused. I laughed until tears were running down my face and I had to bend over to get my breath.
'I don't think he would appreciate that description', I stammered.
'Hmmph', he growled.
And then it happened. Pandora's box flew wide open. It was bursting at the hinges anyway, and it all finally gave way. I stopped laughing and looked him straight in the eyes, and at almost in a whisper I said, 'It's you, sir. Now don't you see? You're the one, so there's nothing you can say, and nothing more that either of us can do. I don't know what you think has changed since we admitted there was more than should be between us. I feel the same even if you don't', and with that I spun on my heel and ran down the hill as fast as I could in the dim light of that moon.
Without stopping, I grabbed my bedding roll with one hand and headed away from the fire and into the short scrubby brush land. I was running at full pace, feeling as though I'd jumped out of a plane and was free falling. My breath was coming in short, spasmodic bursts. There was no way back. No way I could put what I'd said back into the box. Suddenly I hit the ground, literally. In the dim moonlight I hadn't seen a large tree root that caught round my ankle and caused me to fall face down onto the ground. I was scrabbling in the dirt when a pair of strong hands wrapped around my arms and pulled me up. I wriggled, but he kept tight hold until I stopped. I couldn't look at him, so I just hung my head down and stared at the floor. Without saying anything, he put his hand under my chin and tilted it back up so that all I could see was those dark, smouldering eyes. Now I really was freefalling. Without saying a word he slowly bent down towards me and kissed me. It was so soft at first I barely felt it, then he just wrapped his arms completely round me and kissed me until I couldn't get my breath. My head was spinning. I rested my head against his shoulder and he just stroked my hair softly. My legs were so weak he was holding me against him to support me. After what seemed an eternity we separated and holding my hand, he pulled me back to the fire. He still hadn't spoken and I was afraid to speak in case it broke the spell. But slowly and hesitantly he did speak, his voice almost dream-like, 'Sam, I've wanted you to say that for longer than I can think. I've been in torment. I'm your CO. If I'd spoken first, I didn't know whether you would misconstrue it. I needed you to say it. Do you understand?'
'Yes, sir', I said, treading very warily.
'Sir?'.
'Yes, Jack', I said, trying to feel at ease with the unfamiliar use of his name. He'd been 'sir' for so long.
I watched as he ran his hand through his greying hair. I knew what he was going to say, what he had to say.
'Sam, we can't go any further with this. You know that, don't you? Not at the moment, that is. Will you wait a little while for me?', he said anxiously.
'After five years, I think I can wait a little longer, Jack', I replied, not at all sure I was telling the truth. When I saw him smile broadly, I knew that I'd wait another five years if he asked.
'You cold?', he asked when he saw me shiver.
'A little', I replied.
He unfastened his shirt and held his arm out to me and I snuggled under it, with him wrapping the shirt round me. The heat of his body was blistering but magnetic, even through his tee shirt and I wrapped my arms round him. He looked down at me, his eyes so liquid I thought I would drown in them. Without hesitation he kissed me again, but this time we didn't stop. Why should we? Two adults, alone, under that beautiful moon. He held me so tenderly, kissed me so much I shook like a jelly. I wanted him so much my whole body ached, but he stopped.
'I haven't told you what you mean to me, Sam', he said huskily.
I held my breath in anticipation as he stroked my face with his fingers.
'I once said that I would die rather than lose you. They were dry words in a difficult situation, but they were true. You mean more than life to me. It kinda crept up on me. I always knew you meant a lot to me, but I didn't realise how much I loved you until I thought I'd lost you. I love you, Sam'. He spoke as though he was released from the constraints that had bound him for years. He buried his face in my hair and I heard him say with a muffled voice, 'I love you, Sam, I love you'.
And that was how it all happened. From the moment of that first kiss, the chains binding me to him have been as secure as if they were made of steel. I could no more leave him than leave life. So you see, when General Hammond made me that offer that I couldn't refuse, it was actually much harder to accept. That night on P5X-633 took away all my choices. I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I would always choose career over any man, but I don't think that I could live from day to day without being with him, so I went back to see the General and I told him I couldn't accept his offer. I could see he was disappointed, but I just said that the relationships in SG1 were so special that I couldn't break it up. I said that we still had a lot more to offer with our existing format and there wasn't much he could say. He did ask me whether I had discussed my decision with my CO, and I told him that I hadn't. I knew that the Colonel would go ballistic, but I'll deal with that later. It's not that I expect a lot. I know that we can't be together in the fullest sense, but neither can I be without him, so we'll just carry on for now. Live day-to-day, and who knows maybe steal a kiss now and again. But that's all in the future.
End of Chains. Continued in Message.
Go Back
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to pz
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Chains
by PZSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis